Romantism

I'm trying to see how many chapters of fics I can update before I go to sleep.

Total quota: One out of god knows.

Oh, and did I ever mention how this fic takes place in the late eighties in America? No? Well, you should've noticed. It's pretty obvious.

ELEVEN

My Day as Orochimaru's Bitch

I think I've brushed my teeth at least five times this morning.

The taste of saliva that isn't mine is still in my godforsaken mouth! It's like, so I get mouth raped, and then I go home and rape the mouthwash in response, and then I go to sleep, where I am mouth raped in my dreams (did I say dreams? I totally meant nightmares), and then I wake up still tasting Orochimaru's tongue, and I finally brush my teeth. Repeatedly.

Does nothing work?

I threw my toothbrush in the sink, angrily, and stomped out the bathroom. After stalking to my living room, I sprawled out on my incredibly comfy couch in nothing but my boxers and turned on the TV to some Saturday morning cartoons.

Even Pound Puppies help at this moment.

So I just sit there, hugging the couch cushions and watching a show I shouldn't even be watching because it's kind of embarrassing, and then the phone rings.

One ring, two ring, obnoxious ring, annoying ring.

Sometimes people just don't know when to give up.

I don't answer the phone, choosing to watch Pound Puppies instead.

"Hey, you've reached Jiraiya. I'm not here at the moment, so please hang up and don't even bother leaving a message. Unless you're a woman and you're hot, then you can leave as many messages as you want. And Tsunade, you don't count, so don't even try. BEEP."

"Jiraiya, I'm going to fuck you up so bad your grandkids will feel the burn." Tsunade's irked voice said through the phone's speaker. "I know you're there, Jiraiya. You don't exactly have a life, and the Pound Puppies aren't your friend like that. Answer the damn phone!"

"Jesus Christ," I muttered, yawning. "How do those damn dogs never get caught?"

"Don't ignore me!"

"Already done." I leaned across and turned up the volume, dead set on ignoring society today.

"I thought I said--!" and the message length was cut off. Thanks Panasonic for being so damn half-assed.

I relax once more, watching those mutts frolic about avoiding the antagonists.

After a while, though, I got bored and got up to get some food. Wandering into my kitchen, I poke my head into a bare cupboard and sneeze at the sheer amount of dust inside. The refrigerator isn't faring much better, since I think the ice has gone on strike.

Grocery shopping? Very yes.

The door started knocking as soon as I was about to get dressed, and I cursed the heavens for not acknowledging my need for Saturday Privacy.

Knock, knock

"I'm coming!" I yelled, rubbing at my neck in irritation. "Shut the hell up!"

Knock, knock

"Oh my FUCKING God!" I wrenched open the door, glaring at whatever came in front of me first.

"Hello idiot."

I slammed the door shut. "Go away!" I shouted.

"Open the door, moron." Orochimaru hissed through the wooden barrier that is my door. "It's rude to leave a guest standing outside in the cold rain."

I scoffed. "It isn't raining, bastard."

"Check your window."

So I did.

Huh.

It really is raining. And pretty hard, by the looks of it.

So I went to open the door, but then I remembered the entire 'I live in an apartment' thing. "You're in the fucking hallway!" I snapped.

"How long did it take you to figure that out?" I could hear the bastard rolling his eyes. "Dumbass."

"Fuck you!"

"If you don't let me in right now, I'll make a scene."

Him? Make a scene? "You don't have the guts," I growled.

"Oh really?" Orochimaru sucked in an obnoxiously loud breath.

He started banging on the door.

"Open the damn door, Jiraiya!" he cried, his voice high pitched and obviously meant to sound like a woman. "You never answer my calls anymore! You're always avoiding me! Was it really a one-time thing? You told me you loved me!"

"The fuck?" I said, very scared.

The banging became louder.

"If I had known you were such a jerk, I would've never had passionate, hot sex with you!" Orochimaru continued, making sobbing sounds. "Open the door and face me like a man! I'm sorry for ever loving you!"

Okay. This is really weird.

The banging stopped and I heard a faint thump against the wood, and then another woman's voice.

"Jiraiya!" Oh shit, it was my mangy old neighbor. I should've known better than to let any associate of mine get loud when she's around. "Open this door! This sweet young woman has just had her heart broken and you want to act cold and ignore her?! Not on my watch!"

I heaved a sigh and cracked open the door.

"Granny," I growled. "That ain't a girl."

"And now you want to insult women?" my neighbor hissed. She threw open my door and pushed Orochimaru inside, who held his head down while sobbing quietly. "Sweetheart, just come to apartment number 32 if he bothers you again." She glared at me. "And I'll be watching you, Jiraiya."

When she left, I slammed the door closed and stuck my tongue out at her.

Orochimaru abruptly stopped sobbing.

"Well," he murmured. "That was quite fun. I think I'll do it again sometime."

"Oh HELL no," I snapped, crossing my arms against my bare chest. "Now she suspicious that I'm some sort of playboy that pimps out girls!"

"It was that convincing?" he replied thoughtfully. "I should become an actor."

"No, you should tell me why the fuck you're here and how the hell did you get my address!"

The black-haired girly-boy waved a hand in dismissal. "Tsunade gave me twenty dollars to come and take you to the mall. She said your fashion sense is severely lacking. And I must say I agree." He gave my half naked body a look over, cocking an eyebrow.

I blushed. "Stop staring at me!" I whined, trying to cover my line of white pubic hair in the least. There's no telling what the hell this guy might be planning.

"Right." He looked around. "Your living space smells like male."

"…I think I have a penis, so yeah."

"It's disgusting. Try using scented candles."

"Scented candles are for homosexuals."

"Then what's stopping you?"

I don't even remember attempting to tackle him, but I do remember lying flat on my back in daze, staring up at the bastard who stood over me in his fashionably purple sweater.

"Get up, get dressed, and let's go," he said blandly, kicking at my chest lightly.

Who's the bitch now?

I wish it wasn't me.

--

"I hate the color green," I muttered, hands deep in my pockets. My hair was wet from the rain, and my gray t-shirt stuck to my body in the humidity of the un-air-conditioned mall.

Orochimaru rolled his eyes. "Then, pray tell, what's a color that you actually like?" he asked, putting away a green spandex set. I don't even know why he thought I'd wear something like that.

"Red."

"Hmmm, to match your fashionable birthmarks?"

"No, because I think it looks good on me."

He made a humming sound, moving about the rows of clothing. "Are you into the Hip Hop scene?" he asked, holding up an Adidas brand red jogging suit.

"Uh, no?"

"Just as I thought. What about New Wave?" Tight leather pants this time.

"New Wave isn't even cool anymore." I replied, waving the pants away. "In the nineties, I bet half this shit we're into now won't even be acknowledged anymore."

"Really?" he asked, clearly uninterested. "And since we're not in the nineties quite yet, then why don't you simply shut up and choose a theme of clothing you'd actually wear."

"Ah, you first." I grumbled, leaning in over him and shifting through the clothes. I pulled out a red vest. "I'd wear this."

Orochimaru glanced at it in disgust. "I suppose you would. Anything else?" he inquired, looking away from the faded red vest.

I found a semi-sleeved black shirt. "I want this." I said, adding it to the vest.

The black-haired teen pulled out a pair of black jeans immediately after. "Now I won't have to watch you make a fashion faux-pas out of yourself with this combination," he explained. "Since black does go with everything."

"Except brown." I added.

"Okay, except brown, but it's a pretty general shade."

So we finally agreed on something.

There's a first time to everything.

"Wait," I said, stopping him. "How the hell are these things supposed to get paid for?"

"Tsunade gave me fifty dollars for your wardrobe. The other money is to go to your…grocery shopping?"

I smiled. I shouldn't have ignored her.

I frowned again. "Wait, why were we in the Sale section then?" I demanded.

"I am very cheap and did not feel like searching this entire store for crap like your wardrobe." Orochimaru deadpanned, walking towards the counter to pay for the clothes.

Gee. Thanks. I feel so loved.

The male cashier barely spared us a look as we paid, choosing to instead smack on bubblegum almost obnoxiously while he counted all the money transacted by hand.

"I fucking hate this," he growled, popping the bubble. "There needs to be a machine or something for this kind of calculator shit."

Orochimaru just hummed, taking the change received and handing me the bag roughly.

"Bastard," I grumbled, nodding at the cashier in my exit.

--

"Do you have to stand so close to me?" I grouched as I stood in front of the fruit section of the grocery store, trying to pick out some bananas.

I love bananas.

Any gay/sex jokes will be severely underappreciated.

Orochimaru rolled his golden eyes, reaching across me to pick out some apples. "We're looking for the same things here," he answered. "Besides we're both guys, so why are you so uncomfortable?"

I huffed. "I'm uncomfortable because we're both guys. People are looking at us strangely and those girls have been staring at us for five minutes. They are really freaking me out."

"Ignore them, then."

It's not that simple, asshole.

I sighed and grabbed a particularly firm and healthy bunch of bananas. At the same time, Orochimaru finished getting the apples, so we turned around at about the same time.

The girls were standing in front of us.

Can you say heart attack?

"Are you a guy?" one girl with purple hair asked Orochimaru. She couldn't have possibly been more than eleven.

I snickered, but the bastard threw me a dirty look.

So I decided on puffing out my cheeks in an effort not to laugh.

"Yes, I am," he answered. "And what of it?"

"Is that your homosexual lover?" she pointed at me.

He friend smacked her arm. "Anko!" she whispered fiercely. "You don't just say things like that to strangers!"

Anko pouted, rubbing her arm. "But Kurenai…!" she whined. "They had it coming! Standing so close and picking out bananas! So, Mister Lady, is that your fag-boy or what?"

I saw his eyebrow twitch slightly and his lips thinned into a line.

I couldn't help but laugh.

He glared at me. "Yes, he is my homosexual lover," he replied, taking my arm in his. "He is actually my bitch."

I stopped laughing.

What?

"What?" I demanded. "I am NOT your bitch! If anyone's the bitch here, it's YOU!"

"He denies it because it's true."

"Oh, and who pretends to be a girl just to get into my apartment while I'm half naked?!"

Anko nudged Kurenai. "Told ya," she whispered. "They've got fag written all over them."

I turned to her angrily. "Shut it, brat!" I snapped.

Orochimaru grabbed my hand forcefully. "I apologize ladies, but we must cut this conversation short," he said with a creepy, creepy smile. "My bitch and I must go pick out some meat."

"Threesome?" Kurenai asked her purple-haired friend curiously. How do these kids even know terms like that?!

Anko crossed her arms. "I think so…" she replied seriously. "My mommy says that homosexuals have no morals. She said that they lick roosters when they want to make kids."

I don't even want to know.

--

"Thanks for ruining my life, bastard." I grumbled as we put up the groceries. "Now everyone at that store thinks I'm gay."

"And?" he replied, restocking the refrigerator. "I care again why?"

"Damn you."

"Indeed."

It was silent as we continued working, and then Orochimaru surprisingly spoke first.

"Did you know you're actually kind of fun?" he said quietly.

I cocked a white eyebrow. "Uh, yeah. Why?"

"No reason." And the quiet returned.

I frowned in thought.

"Well," I muttered. "Did you know you're kinda fun too?"

"No." He looked at me. "Any reason why?"

I flashed him a bright grin. "No reason."

He blinked and turned back to his work.

But I saw a smile tugging at his lips.

I grinned as I put shit in the cupboards, happy for some odd reason.

"You know, bastard…" I said, looking over at him. "I think we can actually be friends."

Orochimaru smirked.

"I think so too."

END ELEVEN

Thank god this chapter is over.

And yeah, it really does take place in the eighties. 1988, to be exact. Things weren't that different back then. There was only a lack of PCs (they weren't processed nearly as much as they are now) and cashiers had to count money by hand, and they HAD to be truthful. I know shit like this not because I was actually born in 1992, but because my sister is 35 and went to high school during the eighties. Convenient, huh?

But, yeah, the gayness is spreading in this story. And Jiraiya IS Orochimaru's bitch. For now, at least. (Not OroJira. Never will be.)