Chapter 10: Space They Cannot Touch
A/N: Big snuggle-hugs for Tamara. She's the best. Thank you so much for your help, bb. xx
Space They Cannot Touch, Kate Miller-Heidke.
How's my luck
But somehow
I'm with you
Let's leave now
Let's leave them
And their point of view
My favourite place is me and you
I wake up
In darkest night
I watch you breathe
In shadow light
A perfect world
Lies next to me
And I don't need to sleep to dream
I just hope I am good enough to keep you
Morning sun
Warms our skin
Distant sounds
The day begins
Soon their world
Will come calling for us
But this is space they cannot touch
I just hope I am good enough to keep you.
New Years Eve, 2009/10.
"Hey, this is Bella. Don't leave a message, 'cause I probably won't listen to it."
Grumbling, I throw my phone across the room. As soon as it leaves my hand, I regret it – fortunately, it lands safely on my bed. Too agitated to sit down, I wander around the house, moving from room to room aimlessly. I hesitate, my hand on Bella's doorknob. I could just lie down on her bed for a while. It smells like her, like us – it would soothe me. Chastising myself for being stupid, and a little creepy, I drag my feet back toward the kitchen, away from temptation.
Bella should be home by now. I look at the oven clock. She should have been home an hour ago. She said her flight was getting in at four o'clock. It's nearly six. I frown at the snowflakes fluttering past the kitchen window. Fuckers. If her flight is delayed …
I'm on feet as soon as I hear a car in the driveway. The flash of yellow sends relief coursing through me. I'm outside and halfway to the cab before I remember it's fucking snowing and I'm not wearing a jacket. Or shoes. Shit.
I'm hobbling and hopping toward her on the snow-slick driveway when I hear Bella's shout.
"Edward! Get back inside, you idiot! I can manage."
Muttering obscenities under my breath, I retreat back into the warmth of the house, pulling off my ice-covered socks. I bounce on my toes, waiting impatiently for Bella to drag her suitcase inside. As soon as she's inside, bag and all, I slam the door closed and drag her into my embrace. I ignore the fact that her coat is wet and cold – breathing in the scent of shampoo, wool and Bella.
"Did you miss me or something?" she asks, her voice muffled against my chest.
"Or something." I press a kiss to her hair.
Bella pushes me back, and my heart clenches a little. She's stunning: her cheeks pink with cold, her dark hair wild around her shoulders, snowflakes melting on her eyelashes. She gifts me with a brilliant smile as she pulls off her wool cap. I start to unbutton her coat and she slaps my hands away, giggling.
"Alright, alright. You'll get me naked soon enough!" she laughs.
Her assumption sobers me immediately. "No. Shit, Bella, I'm sorry. That's not –"
"Baby, I'm joking." She smiles as she shrugs out of her heavy coat, hanging it by the door. She kicks her boots off and my mouth quirks a little. It makes me ridiculously happy to see her wearing them. Of course, the perverted voice in the back of my mind is suggesting that she keep them on and take everything else off.
I'm trying to tell that voice to shut the fuck up when Bella surprises me by jumping into my arms. I stagger back a few steps under her weight, as her legs wrap around my waist. I start moving us toward the couch, but Bella shakes her head, her eyes sparkling. "Bathroom."
I stop in my tracks, my eyes wide.
"I'm freezing, and I smell like airplane." She giggles, before poking me in the chest. "And you just ran outside without any warm clothes on. We need a long, hot shower."
I nod dumbly, changing course. Once inside, I flick the lock on the doorknob. I don't care that Garrett is supposed to be in Florida for another week – I'm not going to chance us being interrupted.
We strip quickly, hisses of discomfort becoming sighs of relief as our chilled skin turns pink and warms up under the flow of scalding water. Taking turns, we wash each other's hair, taking every opportunity to embrace and exchange gentle touches. Though the air is heavy with steam, I feel as though I can really breathe with Bella close to me again.
Being enclosed in a small space with her, watching the rivulets of water trace her curves, it's impossible to hide my arousal. I'm almost embarrassed by my body's betrayal, but Bella gives me a small smile, standing on her tiptoes to press a kiss to my lips. She drops to her knees, surrounding me with her warm mouth, and it's no time at all before I'm groaning, panting, and shuddering.
As we step out of the shower, I pull an enormous, fluffy towel around her shoulders, rubbing her back and holding her close. I'm reluctant to allow any distance between us. "How was it?" I murmur.
Bella shrugs – she knows immediately to what I'm referring. "Okay. Yeah, it was good, I guess. I was really happy to see my dad. And, yeah, Mom and Phil are pretty fun. Well, once they realized I was fine and didn't need twenty-four-seven babysitting."
I smile sadly, my stomach twisting a little. It's not really surprising to me that her parents would worry about her being back in San Francisco, concerned about how she would deal with all the reminders of Jacob and their baby. I certainly lost more than a few hours sleep in the last week myself – imagining her tears, knowing I couldn't hold her while she shed them.
"They're happy to see me doing well." Bella continues. "They can see Chicago's been good for me."
I press a kiss to her nose, and Bella flashes me a grin before she steps out of my embrace, turning toward the mirror. She rakes her fingers through her wet hair, before picking up a brush. "Of course, just as I start to feel settled, there's more upheaval around the corner." She trails off, concentrating on working the snarls out of her long hair. That twisty thing in my stomach makes its presence known again.
"What do you mean?" I ask. I'm relieved that my words come out steady, despite the panic unfurling in my chest. I take the brush from her hand and start to work it carefully through her hair, gently easing the bristles through her tangles.
"Well, I've only got six months of school left, and then … I don't know. I don't know what I want to do. Mom's pestering me to make a decision, though."
"Six months?" Panic is making me stupid, it's wings beating erratically within my chest. And yet, somehow, I manage to keep my voice even. "Don't you have a year and a half left?"
Bella catches my eyes in the mirror, her expression puzzled. "Uh, no. With summer school, and all the extra classes I've taken, I'm able to graduate early."
"A year early?" I can't breathe.
Bella nods, then turns to face me, her expression concerned. "Are you okay, Edward?"
I exhale, trying to get a grip on my emotions. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine," I lie.
In my mind, I've been relying on having Bella by my side for so much longer. I've simply taken it for granted that she will be here, with me, for at least another eighteen months. She doesn't know what she's going to do when she graduates. What if – the thought chills me as effectively as the icy wind blowing outside could – what if she moves home? What if she's decided she can handle being there now, and she wants to move back to San Francisco?
Panic and need overwhelm me and I pull Bella close, my lips seeking out hers with a desperation I can't quite make sense of. I stop thinking and allow the sheer need I feel to guide me, as my hands and my mouth seek to be everywhere at once. I need to be as close to Bella as I can – I need … I need to consume her.
My lips are hard against hers as I set her on the counter top. I have to remind myself to pull away to let her breathe. I don't want to breathe. I don't want air. I have no need for oxygen. I just need Bella. I need to be inside her, I need to fuse myself to her. I need to pull her inside myself.
"Hey, baby. Calm down. It's okay." Bella's voice is just a soft croon, but it's the only sound that can permeate the haze that's settled into my brain.
I yank myself away. Ashamed, I pry my hands from her soft skin, my fingers twitching in protest; I ignore them.
"I'm so sorry." I take a step back, my eyes on the floor.
I hear the soft thud as Bella's feet land back on the floor. Her gentle hands appear in my line of sight, and a breath shudders from my lips as she places them carefully on my bare chest.
"It's okay," she tells me. "I missed you like crazy, too, you know?"
"You did?"
"Look at me."
Her brows are furrowed but her eyes are warm, gold sparking against brown.
"Edward … I haven't been close to anyone in a long time. Jacob – and Leah – really did a number on me. Since then, I haven't really had anyone to miss. I've only had a handful of friends, and I've only been with two guys. One was a wretched mistake I made just after I arrived in France, not long after I left the US. The other guy, well …" she smiles up at me, unaware that my heart is trying to thump it's way out of my chest. "He's my best friend. And being away from him for over a week really sucked."
Bella grabs my ear, pulling my face down to hers, and I can't help but chuckle.
"Why do you always go for the ears?"
She shrugs. "It works, doesn't it? Anyway, I was really liking where things were going, so if you don't mind –"
I don't need to be asked twice. Hoisting her legs around my waist, I stumble us back toward my bedroom, my lips frantically exploring her jaw, her neck, her collarbone, before they reclaim her mouth. She doesn't make it easy for me, writhing and grinding against me as I try to walk, until I have to press her against the wall in the hallway, panting heavily.
"You're making things very difficult, Bella," I chastise her. She whimpers as I buck my hips against her, her fingers grasping at my shoulders.
Overcome, I can't make myself wait, can't pull myself from her in order to make it the few feet farther to my bedroom. So, I ignore the voice that tells me it's wrong to fuck this precious woman against a wall, and I let desire and want drive me. It's hard and it's rough and it's over too soon.
I'm breathing harshly, my lungs burning, when my head finally begins to slow its spinning. I still have Bella pinned to the wall, her body limp against mine. Her head is thrown back, and her skin is damp with our mingled perspiration as she sucks in deep lungfuls of air. Did she – ? Did I – ? Shit.
"Bella?"
"Mmm."
"Bella, sweetheart? Are you okay?" My voice is taut, strained.
"Hmmmmm."
"Sweet girl, open your eyes, please."
"Can't."
"What?" A different panic grips my heart like a vice. "Did I hurt you? Bella, please. Fuck!"
"Yeahhhh."
"You're hurt?" The pitch my voice has reached makes it sound entirely foreign in my own ears.
Her head lolls from side to side. "Not hurt. Fucked."
"You're not hurt?" My knees feel weak with relief, and I'm suddenly aware of the painful burn in my thigh muscles as I continue to support Bella's weight. I ease us apart, feeling the loss as our bodies disconnect, and lower to her feet carefully. She sways a little, and my arms tighten around her, waiting for her to regain her balance.
"I'm not hurt," she says, her voice faint. Finally, finally, her eyes flutter open. "I'm, like, comatose … with pleasure. I … I'm not sure, I think … I might, ungh, still be coming."
My head drops to her shoulder, and I breathe in the scents of sweat and sex that swirl around us. She's not hurt. Deep breath. She enjoyed it. Breathe again.
"I'm sorry." The words leave my mouth without my permission.
"For what? Trying to put me into an orgasm-induced coma?" Her voice is stronger now, steady.
"Yes. No. I, uh –"
"Shhh." Bella takes a step away from me, pushing a finger against my lips. She grimaces and my eyes widen, concerned. She catches my expression and rolls her pretty eyes up at me. "I'm just sticky. I'm not hurt, okay? We need to shower, again."
"Do you, um –"
"Stop it." Bella swats my ass, grabs my arm and tugs me back into the bathroom.
This time, we shower quickly, efficiently, scrubbing away the residue of my loss of control. We keep our hands to ourselves, drying off with already damp towels. The distance between us causes my stomach to twist uneasily.
Before she darts back to her room to clothe herself, Bella presses a kiss to my cheek. "Don't over-think it. I'm okay. We're okay."
I dress in a daze, pulling on sweatpants and a tee shirt, tugging on dry socks. I can't make sense of the emotions cascading through my mind. It's like, it's like a fucking avalanche is threatening to crush me. As I sit on the edge of my bed, my hands clutch at my head, trying to keep the confusion from overwhelming me.
"You're over-thinking." Her gentle voice startles me, and I'm shocked to see Bella kneeling before me. "It's New Years Eve, baby. We need to go to the liquor store before it closes. I want champagne."
"What time is it?"
"It's just after seven."
Just after seven? It's only been an hour since Bella blew back in on the icy breeze?
"Did you want to go out tonight?" I ask quietly. As much as I want her to say no, I'll take her wherever she wants to go. We've been invited to at least three different parties – that I'm aware of.
"Um, no, not really. Well, I want to go get some booze, but I thought we could just kick it here. Unless you want to go somewhere?"
"You, me and some booze sounds pretty perfect tonight, Bella."
"You'll drink with me?" Her eyes show her delight at the prospect.
I throw caution to the wind. "Yeah. Why not?"
"I hate New Year's Eve."
"What?"
"Yeah. I hate it. I hate the countdown. I hate that pause, that deep breath between 'One' and 'Happy New Year'. It's just …Ugh. It makes my skin crawl. I hate it. Since I was old enough to be allowed to stay up until midnight, I've always made it my top-secret mission to be asleep before eleven-thirty."
I frown at Bella, trying to make sense of her rambling. "But, you're, like, the queen of celebrations. You love birthdays and Christmas and shit."
She nods, her eyes glassy as she looks up at me. At some point she ended up in my lap. I think it was about halfway through our second bottle of the ridiculously expensive French champagne we decided to treat ourselves to. "Yeah. I like all the other things. But not New Year's Eve. That one, I do not like."
"I hate it, too."
"You do?" This seems to make Bella really happy and I grin lazily at her as she wriggles in my lap.
"Yeah. I don't give a fuck about the countdown. I just hate the symbolism people attach to it. The hope they try to infuse into it. I hate the way people act as though January first is somehow going to be so different from December thirty-first. I hate listening to people babble on about their resolutions. They're full of shit."
"You're a grumpy drunk."
I grab at the finger that's poking at my chest. "I'm not grumpy … and I'm not drunk."
"You shouldn't be drunk," she laughs. "You're such a lightweight! How did I never know this?"
"I told you. The medication poten … potentate … fuck … potentiates the alcohol. Even though I'm bigger than you, it's like I'm drinking twice as much, twice as fast."
"Oh." Bella nods seriously. "We need another bottle, Edward."
"Yeah, but I don't want to get up." I sigh. "You feel nice."
"Huh?"
"You're all warm and squishy."
"Squishy? Dude, I don't think you're supposed to call girls squishy."
I stick my tongue out at her, which makes her dissolve into giggles. "Whatever, sweetheart. You know I think you're gorgeous. I love that you're squishy. Just a little bit. Just here. It's really sexy." I palm her ass, smiling as her pretty pink cheeks darken further.
"You're such a freak."
Cringing, I push Bella off my lap and stand up. My head spins a little – it's been a long time since I drank this much alcohol. Shaking my head, I stalk into the kitchen, away from that word, which seems to still hang in the air, mocking me.
Her blonde hair is blown straight and shiny, and her eyelids are shaded with a soft pink that makes her blue eyes sparkle. Her dress is a floaty lavender, swishing around her knees as she moves around her lounge room. She looks so very pretty tonight.
It's a striking contrast to the ugly words that are coming out of her mouth.
"Seriously, Edward. For how long am I going to have to put up with this bullshit? We do nothing. We never have fun anymore – we never go out. We never meet new people. You always just want to stay in, or go hang out with your friends. I'm so tired of it."
"Heidi –"
"No. Shut up! Why don't you want to go out and show me off? Are you ashamed of me or something?"
Take a deep breath. Count to three. "No, Heidi, that's not it."
"Yeah, I know, I know. You have issues. Don't you think you could get over them, just for one night?"
I fist my hands inside my pockets. Take a deep breath. Count to three. My voice is low and harsh once I have the control to force it through my teeth. "Do you really think I choose this, Heidi? Do you really think I enjoy feeling like this?"
Her voice is brittle, cold. "It's all in your head."
My hand moves to the tie knotted at my neck, loosening it. Take another breath. Count to three. "That doesn't make it any less real."
I have to sit down. Breathe. Count to three.
"Are you fucking crying, Edward? Again? You're pathetic. I can't even talk to you, now, without you acting like a fucking freak?"
Freak. She spits the word at me – her disgust and rage sharpening its edges.
"Hey. Are you okay?" This voice is infused with warmth. The little hand on my shoulder is hot and gentle.
"Yeah. Just, uh, just give me a sec."
I'm standing over the sink, my hands bracing me as my chest heaves. Bella says nothing, but she does not step away. Her hand rubs between my shoulder blades – right over the space I need to keep filling with oxygen. Deep breath. Count to three. The movement of her hand keeps me steady. Deep breath. Count to three.
"I'm sor –"
"Don't apologize, Edward. Please."
Pulling in another lungful of air, I turn to face her. I'm scared of what I'll see. Disgust? Contempt? Pity?
But the gaze I meet holds none of those things – rather, her eyes are warm with concern. I let her pull me into her embrace, kissing her hair as she holds me close.
"You know you're not, don't you?"
"Huh?"
"You're not a freak. Not at all."
"How did you –"
"As soon as the word fell out of my mouth, I saw it. I saw you flinch – I saw how much it hurt you. I'm so sorry."
"It's okay. I know you didn't mean it." She's never once looked at me the way Heidi used to. "I overreacted, and I'm sorry. The word has … hurt … attached to it."
"Will you tell me about it?"
"Not tonight, okay?"
Bella looks up at me, her smile easy. "Okay. Now, where's that champagne?"
I'm relieved that she's not going to push tonight. It's not a story I want to tell with this much alcohol running through my veins.
She grabs another bottle from the fridge, and hands it to me. I announced I was on cork-popping duty after I watched her spill close to a third of the first bottle all over the kitchen floor.
I make quick work of the muselet, then wink at the pouting girl standing in front of me as I pop the cork out easily, and without spilling a drop.
"Show off."
"Sweetheart, I'm not being a show off, I'm being a conservationist. You splashed, like, a third of that bottle all over the floor. We had four bottles. If I let you open them all, it would have been the equivalent of tipping more than a whole bottle of this stuff down the drain."
Bella has no answer, so she flips me off and runs into the living room, her giggles floating back to me.
"Where are you going?" I demand.
"Well, the glasses are out here, and the couch is out here."
The girl has a point.
We don't make it to the fourth bottle. We argue about who is going to retrieve it from the kitchen for a few minutes, until I silence Bella with my lips. Our kisses are drunken and sloppy, routinely interrupted by fits of giggles.
We fall off the couch as Bella tries to maneuver her hand into my pants.
An empty bottle gets between my head and the carpet when I move to roll her on top of me.
She smashes her knee into a coffee table leg.
"Bella?"
"Mmm?"
"Maybe we should go to bed."
She sits upright, her hands on my chest as she looks around wildly.
"NO!" Her shout startles me. "It's nearly one o'clock. I failed. We failed. You made me fail."
"I did not."
"You did, too. You distracted me with those evil fucking magic kisses."
"Did you hear me counting down?"
"What?"
"I thought you went to bed early to avoid hearing the countdown?"
"I do. I did."
"Well," I grin up at her, squeezing her thighs where they straddle my waist. "I didn't make you fail, because I deliberately distracted you until after midnight. So it's, like, been and gone – and you didn't even notice."
I chuckle as she contemplates my explanation.
"You're bullshitting me, aren't you?" she asks, an eyebrow raised.
"Yes," I laugh. "I had no fucking clue what time it was. I was just kissing you because I wanted to."
I wake with a surprisingly clear head.
Bella is still deeply asleep beside me, her legs tangled with mine.
Unmoving, I watch her dream. Her dark lashes flutter against her cheeks, and her red lips are parted slightly. She must have turned her face toward me recently – her cheek still bears the creases of her comforter.
Clarity finds me in this quiet moment.
I whisper the words, afraid that speaking them aloud will ruin them. "I love you, Bella."
She sleeps on.
Let me know your thoughts!
Shell xx