Author's Note: Thank you very much for all the reviews and messages.

Chapter Eleven:

Maura.

Sometimes I wonder how our life would be if we had become parents. Of course, Jane and I never talk about it. We probably share the fear to hurt each other. I don't really want to talk about it anyway. I don't want to put words on it. However, I like fantasizing about a different ending.

My three IVFs failed. Jane tried twice and it didn't work either. There is nothing more exhausting than an IVF. Physically and emotionally. After these failures, we put our baby project on pause because we needed time to rebuild ourselves. I think that it was the first time that one of our plans as a couple didn't come true. It isn't easy to accept the idea that you can't reach your dreams, that you have failed. It's part of life but as wise as you are, it hurts.

I suppose that we gave up on adoption. The baby pause became something permanent. We won't have children, it's a fact. I know it. We won't have a family and it's alright. We're doing pretty good actually. We love our respective jobs, we're still very much in love. Our days are quite sweet too. Sometimes they may appear as dull but that's also what marriage looks like.

In my dreams we have a son. He doesn't have a name but he looks like Jane. Big dark eyes, unruled curly hair. As a matter of fact, my fantasy is made of one image: the three of us are walking on the street and Jane and I hold our son's hands as he makes his first steps as a toddler. The sun is setting in the distance and the temperatures are warm. We're happy.

I can live without having children. Besides, we have TJ and his little sister. Both visit us from time to time and it's a pleasure to spend the day with them. I'm fine with the idea it's enough for me.

It's just that the house would look warmer with the laughter of a child. Sometimes I find it cold. Too cold.

And too big for two people only.

A therapy was out of the question because Maura knew that Jane would never accept the idea. She was distrustful of therapists. Yet Maura also knew that they were running out of solutions. They had to do something.

She had come back home the evening before to a lovely surprise dinner. She had apologized, and Jane had apologized too. But nothing had really changed. The dinner had gone smoothly but something was gone. Something had got broken.

Maura had thought about it over and over but the nature of their issue remained blurry to her. They were making efforts though. It just didn't seem to be working out.

Perhaps it was because of the accident, because Jane was stuck at home. It caused tension. Under other circumstances, Maura thought that they would have never noticed how dull their life had become. Everything was going fine before Jane's accident. Or at least did they think that everything was fine. Their world collapsed as reality hit them harshly, without any warning.

"We're in love. I know that we're in love. I'm just..." The words didn't come. Maura bowed her head, ashamed, and tried to fight the sudden silence. In vain. "I don't know. I don't know anymore. We've done something wrong. Somewhere. At some point."

She had been touched by Jane's efforts. The dinner at home was a lovely idea and they had spent a nice evening together. But the storm wasn't gone. The dark clouds were still menacingly floating over their heads and the wind that had chances to sweep them away was nowhere around yet.

"You're not planning on leaving Jane, are you?"

Maura rolled her eyes. She found the question stupid. Of course, she was not planning on doing such thing. Jane was her life. Yet she, Maura, had to admit that she felt lost and confused right now. She looked at her mother and sighed. One had to feel seriously distressed to talk about such matters to Constance Isles.

"No but I don't know what to do. The dinner went fine, just fine." Then they had cuddled and watched a movie together. "But it's not the same anymore."

"The same as what? As the intensity of your first years together? You and Jane have been together for eight years, Maura. You were together for five years before getting married...That's a lot of time. And even before it happened, you were very close friends for another... What? Six years? You can't hope for your life to be as spicy as it used to be after fourteen years of such bond, Maura. It isn't realistic."

Constance's words were sharp. They carried a bitter truth though. Maura cast a glance at Jackie O. The cat was looking for trouble. She didn't stop jumping on Bass' shell. The tortoise looked traumatized. Maura smiled. It would have made Jane laugh.

"I understand and I accept that but... We don't do anything together anymore and even when we do, like last night, it's just... Boring?"

Maura was eager to talk about it to Jane but she needed to understand what was going on first. The argument they had had was very random but it highlighted an issue that lay deeper in their life. She knew it, she could feel it.

Constance sighed. Heavily.

"Do you have any taboo? Is there something you and Jane avoid to talk about?"

Maura went to say no but then her instinct stopped her. Within a second, a wave of bitterness invaded her and she gave her mother a nod. A painful one.

"Children."

"Children?" Constance looked into her daughter's eyes. She crossed her hands on top of the garden table. She then shook her head. "Why? You can't stand them?"

"Of course not! We both like children. It's the fact we don't have any that is... Sort of taboo. The fact neither of us ever managed to get pregnant. It's something we've never talked about because we failed at it."

Maura wasn't exaggerating. She and Jane had lived their IVF experiences as nothing but a series of failures. Then they had moved on. It was the only topic they never talked about yet Maura didn't think that it was the source of their current issue.

They had simply let routine kill their couple slowly.

"You and Jane need to talk. You need to let her know what's weighing on your heart. It won't solve everything but it'll be a healthy start. Then the two of you will be able to move forward and work on your marriage. There's no third party involved. Believe me, it's a chance."

A foreign sound caused them both to turn their heads. Jane was standing by the door. She was smiling but the way she leaned against the door frame betrayed her efforts and the pain she felt.

"I knew we had a visitor... Good afternoon, Constance. How are you?"

Constance stood up immediately and walked to Jane. She was surprised to see her daughter-in-law downstairs. She smiled at her, almost timidly.

"I am the one who should ask you how you feel. You can walk now?"

Jane nodded. She walked just as slowly as a snail but at least she wasn't stuck in bed anymore. Doctors had given her the green light. As long as she didn't try to run a marathon then she could walk from her bedroom to the living-room once a day.

Maura grabbed her wife by the arm. She had read Jane's medical file and she had listened to her colleagues but her fears were still latent. She preferred it when Jane stayed in bed. Jane was stubborn. And certainly not reasonable.

She was already walking a lot more than what she should.

"Do you want to sit outside with us? We were drinking lemonade. I can go back inside and get you some pillows."

"I can do without the pillows, Maura. Thank you."

Maura pursed her lips. This was the stubbornnes she dreaded. However, she felt happy to see that Jane didn't complain when she, Maura, led her to the table. She helped her wife to sit down then poured a glass of lemonade for her.

"Are you pain?"

Maura's voice broke. She wasn't fine. She was worried most of the time, worried that Jane wouldn't tell her the truth just because she was tired of staying in bed. Of course, Jane shook her head. She then leaned over and planted a kiss on Maura's cheek.

The gesture didn't reassure Maura but it warmed up her body. The sensation boiled in her lower stomach before rushing through her veins to go embrace her heart.

These reactions were the reason why she knew that she was still in love with Jane. Her heart beat faster whenever she looked into her wife's dark eyes and the mere touch between the two of them was enough to stir up a whirl of emotions.

But something was nonetheless off. Something, somewhere.

Maura looked at her mother. Perhaps Constance was right after all. The idea of a conversation was harmless but what if they didn't know what to do after it? What if they felt stuck, once again? What if talking about these IVFs failures opened back wounds they didn't want to deal with?

Speaking was one thing. Bringing changes was another one.

Disarmed, Maura went to grab Jane's hand. She squeezed it tightly, with a bare sincerity. They may be going through a bad patch, Maura still wanted to let Jane know that it wouldn't last. She wouldn't let it happen.