The Tenth Day
"Sanny?" Ohana says, crawling over to you as you sit on the sand, your feet in the ocean, at the resort next to your own. "Why didn't Britt-Britt come with us?"
You turn to your little sister. "Sweetie, I don't know."
Ohana's face falls as she turns to face the sea. She hovers next to you, her hand on your shoulder, looking more sad than... well, you don't really know.
"Come here," You whisper, pulling her onto your lap and sitting her there. She rests her hands on your thighs and you smile as you remember when Brittany did that on the boat.
"I miss Brittany." Ohana mumbles, crossing her arms.
You giggle but then your face falls too. "Yeah, me too."
"Did you not invite her?" Ohana continues to question and you feel your blood get a little hotter. But it's not her fault. You're just frustrated.
"No one answered her door when I rang by her villa earlier, Han." You kiss the top of her head and sigh into it. "So I don't really know where she is."
Ohana sighs as well and you hug her closer. You hadn't wanted to leave Brittany last night but she had this panic in her eyes and her whole body was shaking and you didn't want to scare her even more. But you were mad because you'd just been with her in ways you'd never been with anyone else before and it was like she'd just slashed through it with the most massive blade you could think of.
And you didn't want to think about fucking blades.
She'd been like a guard dog who'd heard something suspicious and had suddenly quivered with anticipation but it had radiated off Brittany like fear. So you'd frowned and gently leant down to kiss her forehead to soothe her but the way her eyes closed in panic made you think maybe you'd done this too soon.
But she'd been so desperate for you and you knew she had felt something unlock within her because you had too and you'd seen it in her eyes when she told you she loved you.
You'd wanted to wake up with Brittany in tangled limbs and messy sheets but you guess not even your love story can be a fairytale.
Your mom would have cuddled you and told you it would be okay and Brittany had probably just been scared, which is okay. But what your mom didn't know is that you were scared too.
Terrified even.
But you'd heard the desperation in Brittany's brother's voice and when he met you at their villa door. He looked worried - concerned even - so when you eventually saw Brittany, looking so ironically peaceful sleeping under the water, the only thing you could think of doing was joining her.
So you had.
And then when you touched Brittany, you swear your hand nearly went up in flames.
It was everything you had been waiting for and if you hadn't been so in love with Brittany's tongue, you were sure that maybe you would have frozen there. But she was moaning in your mouth and it had flared something within you that had never been lit before.
Desire.
And today, you wanted to share the afterglow with her. The way her bones had suddenly seemed less pointy and how they had fit so carefully incased in yours like they were sleeping there. You wanted to hold her hand and just know, in your heart, how it had touched you the night before and how yours had touched her in places only the two of you would ever know. You wanted to take her behind the palm trees and make her all too aware of how beautiful she looked, with her eyes turning aquamarine in the glistening sun and her hair blowing freely over her freckled nose.
But no one had answered the door and now, as you're sat on the beach of a different resort, you won't even know if Brittany is okay or not.
And that kills you slightly.
"I wanted Brittany to meet Mom today," Ohana suddenly says and your heart stops.
"Wait, what do you mean?" You ask her, pulling her closer.
Ohana picks up a chunk of sand in her fist and sprinkles it over your legs. "Remember I have that picture of when Dad had painted my face like a tiger but I was in a duck costume because that's what I had meant to be?"
You giggle. "Yes, and Dad was so mad at himself that he went out and bought you two real ducks from the pet store and Mom called them Pea and Nut because that's what you said he'd been."
Ohana giggles too. "I miss those ducks." She says.
"Yeah," You say back. "Me too."
"I miss Mom." Ohana whispers and you may as well have someone swinging on your heart strings.
"Oh, Han," You whisper back, snuggling closer to her.
"I just want Brittany to meet her because I think she's so pretty and Mom would think so too, wouldn't she?"
You smile. "Yes, she would."
"Do you think Brittany's pretty?" Ohana asks, leaning back into you.
"She's stunning."
Ohana chuckles. "I knew you'd say that."
"Why'd you ask then?" You frown, smiling.
"Because I want to tell Brittany that you definitely like her and you definitely want to marry her and you definitely want to kiss her."
You laugh so loud, people on the beach turn to stare at you. "Ohana," You say, resting your chin on her head. "Don't tell Brittany that just yet because it's our little secret."
Ohana pulls her finger across her lips telling you she's got them sealed. You giggle and watch as she spots a starfish in the next rolling wave. She rushes forward, picks it up and cradles it against her. When you both walk back to your family and friends for lunch, she places it in a bucket of water next to you and tells you she's named it Brittany so that she can be here when she's really not.
Your heart melts.
...
You're trying to concentrate on the flying shuttlecock thats hurtling towards your face but all you can think about is Brittany. If you just knew she was okay then you'd devote all your attention to your friends but it's proving really difficult since you don't.
The shuttlecock misses your face by inches and lands mockingly by your side on the sandy floor. Puck laughs over the other side of the net and Kurt snickers. Usually, you'd snap at them or something but right now, you kinda just feel really drained.
Quinn comes to sling her arm over your neck and kisses your cheek. "Next time, Lopez," She mutters, smirking at you as she walks away. You lazily retrieve the shuttlecock and send it flying back over to Puck. You watch as he slings it over to Sam on your side, who in turn hits it across to Rachel. She sends it back your way and once again you miss it.
"Santana!" She wails, her racket falling aimlessly at her side. "You're meant to move your racket if you want any chance of hitting it!"
Puck hits her on the shoulder and Kurt tells her to shut up. You ignore them; you're not in the mood to fight back today. Sam notices and walks over to you.
"You okay?" He questions, placing his big palm on your shoulder.
"Sure," You mumble, raking your hand through your hair. You know he's only trying to help but you're really not in the right frame of mind to care. The way your white bikini sits on your tanned skin is starting to irritate you and you just want to leave.
"If it's any consolation, I'm sure she's thinking about you too." He mumbles, looking awkward.
You smile tightly at him and try and thank him through your eyes. He pats your back and you look away.
Quinn offers to take your serve for you which she does but you can't take this aimless waiting, so you tell her you're going back and drop your racket on the side of the net. Rachel calls after you but you continue walking.
You just have to know she's okay. You shared something really special last night and it would kill you if Brittany simply disregarded that.
You're heart picks up pace at the very thought.
"Santana!"
You groan because you really don't want Rachel following you.
"San!"
You keep walking but the dwarf is fast and she catches up fairly quickly.
"Santana, would you slow down?" She's out of breath and you use it to your advantage. Rachel sighs. "For fucks sake, Santana!"
You stop, because never in the entire four years you've known Rachel Berry, have you ever heard her swear. Her face is red and flustered and her eyes are desperate. You almost want to hug her.
"Sit," She demands, indicating towards the pier in between the two resorts. You follow her since you feel like if you don't, she'll swear again and it sounds ugly coming out of Rachel's mouth. The two of you sit at the end, your legs dangling off the edge and even though you know you shouldn't, you can't help but wish you were doing this with Brittany.
"I'm sorry I made you swear." You say and your hand comes to your mouth because you don't even know where that came from. You've never apologized to Rachel before.
She seems to notice because she giggles softly. "That's okay," She says, her green bikini fraying from where she'd been so much in the water. "It seems to be the only thing that will make you listen."
You snort because however much that isn't true, you're not about to tell Rachel that just by looking in Brittany's eyes, she can make you listen more than a simple curse could.
Rachel is silent for a while and you wonder why she decided to follow you. You're just about to ask when she bursts out laughing.
"What the fuck, Berry?" You ask, frowning at her.
She raises her hands in the air and turns to you. "Look at you!" She laughs, grinning like the Cheshire cat. "You're Santana Lopez and yet here you are moping around, pining for a girl you met just nine days ago." She giggles even more like she can't help herself and you get mad.
"Why is that so funny?"
You expect her to shrink back under your death glare but she smiles even more.
"Because I've never seen you like this before." She answers, "And it's so nice to see."
"Ugh," You complain, turning back to the sea, "Why does everyone keep saying that?"
"Because it's true!" Rachel breaths, excitedly. "Santana, it makes me happier than you'll ever know to see you so happy."
You turn and frown at her. She smiles genuinely.
"You know, we're more similar than you think, San."
"Yeah?" You say, because you don't think that's possible.
"Yes." She replies simply, looking at you seriously. "When I first met Finn, I couldn't imagine how I'd ever spent a single moment not knowing him."
She smiles and you smile too.
"He was gorgeous. Tall and charming, with this adorable dorky smile that I could never get tired of." Her eyes glisten over with memories and you look away, not sure where she wanted to take this. "And I just knew."
You turn back to her and ask, "Knew what?"
She closes her eyes for a while and then opens them to the sun. "I just knew he was the one. My person. My soulmate."
You breath hitches then and you wonder if Rachel Berry had just crawled into your mind.
"And I see the way you look at Brittany." She continues, placing her hand on your thigh. For the first time, you don't brush it off. "I'm not dumb, Santana. It's like you've forgotten what perfection looks like and then you see her and you instantly remember - like you're coming home again after being away for what feels like forever." Rachel's eyes fill slightly and you place your hand on hers. "And, I don't know, you look at each other the way old souls do. Like you've known each other before, in another life maybe. You've never looked at anyone else that way before. At least, not since I've known you."
You cough a little bit because you're actually being incredibly serious with Rachel Berry and she's not getting squawky and you're not getting irritable. Rachel wipes her eyes and grips your own.
"Finn used to look at me that way." She whispers. "I miss being looked at like that so much."
You grasp her hand and wonder how Rachel ever got over losing him. Because even after knowing Brittany for a week, you're not sure you could carry on the same knowing her and not being with her.
You guess Rachel isn't carrying on the same.
"You know, I hate to say this, Rachel but I do think you are one of the strongest people I know." You cringe slightly at your own words. Rachel smiles happily.
"You have no idea how long I've wanted you to say that." She breaths, relief in her voice.
"Don't hold your breath, wait another four years, I'm sure it'll come out again." You grin as Rachel laughs and despite yourself, you do feel a lot calmer.
"You're very funny, Santana." She says, nudging you with her shoulder. You giggle. "Do you remember that time when you didn't want to get the subway by yourself at midnight just to meet up with that girl whose name I'm sure you've forgotten, so you woke me up and made me come with you?"
You laugh because god, that had been a terrible night. "Wait, I think I was on my way home wasn't I? I'd already slept with her."
"Okay, slut." Rachel mutters and you gasp.
"Berry!"
She giggles. "Sorry, I'm joking."
"You better be."
"You're not a slut, Santana." She says, her face turning sober. "You're probably the least sluttiest of us all."
You hum in agreement. "Who do you think is the sluttiest?"
Rachel bites her lip in thoughtful amusement. "Kurt."
"Ha!" You burst out. Rachel laughs because you're always doing that. "Oh my god, you're so right. Poor Blaine."
"What do you mean poor Blaine?" Rachel says, opening her mouth in surprise. "Blaine is the worst."
"Well, they can be sluts together."
"Maybe we could write a musical about it." Rachel suggests, swinging her legs. There's a giggle still lurking in her voice. "Call it, 'The Slut Parade'."
"The Gay Edition," You add, the two of you bursting into laughter again.
"I wish I was gay." Rachel hushes under her breath and you laugh at her.
"Why? It's so difficult."
She rolls her eyes. "Screw that," She says, flailing her arms around. "They could throw all they had at me and I wouldn't give a single Barbra about it." She smirks. "But it's also difficult being that girl who lost her boyfriend and won't even look at anyone else." Her face thins and you feel a weird combination of sadness and sympathy.
Sympathy for Rachel Berry.
She carries on. "I want to be gay because at least then I'll never have to look at a man the way I looked at Finn. At least then I'll know for sure that Finn Hudson was in fact the only man I've ever loved."
Your heart stops laughing and your lips stop grinning.
"Rachel..." You mutter, squeezing her leg again.
She looks down for a moment and then lifts her eyes back to you. She looks sad and happy and confused and relieved all at the same time, so this time, you don't hesitate in leaning forward to give her a hug.
As you do, you whisper tightly in her ear, "He would have wanted you to fall in love again."
She breaks a small sob then so you hug her tighter. When you part, she whispers a thank you and Quinn's lovely voice calls over laughing at how you were just hugging Rachel Berry. You wink at the smaller girl beside you and laugh when Quinn comes to throw both her arms round the two of you and hug you close to her chest. She pretends to kiss you both until you're all struggling on the floor for air. When she stops and you're lying in a heap, Quinn suggests you walk back to the resort and go find Brittany together. She helps you both up, links both her arms with the two of yours and heads back across the pier.
Sometimes, you wonder where you'd be if Quinn and Rachel had never been a part of your life.
Sometimes, you think you wouldn't even be here at all.
...
She wasn't on the beach and you kind of panicked because what if she'd come down in search of you and she couldn't find you?
Shit.
Quinn feels you stiffen beside her and tells you to calm down, that she's sure Brittany's fine and with her family somewhere. But what she doesn't realise is Brittany hates her family and wouldn't spend time with them, even if they forced her.
Would she?
For the first time, you really wished she'd told you everything.
Rachel asks if you've got her number and you kick yourself because you hadn't even thought of getting it. But then you realised you didn't think you'd be apart since you were staying in the same resort. And then you start panicking even more because you didn't even know when Brittany was leaving and what if she was leaving today and had already gone that morning and she hadn't had a chance to tell you and say goodbye? Even worse, what if she hadn't wanted to say goodbye? What if she was so scared of what happened last night, she just took off, hoping to never see you again?
Your heart was beating so fast, you wondered how you weren't collapsing on the floor.
Quinn leads you to reception and asks to use their phone. She calls up to Brittany's villa but she gets no reply. You even ask Valerie if she'd seen them but she informs you no one had left the resort this morning.
You're beginning to wonder if Brittany even wants to see you at all.
"Quinn," You say, moving towards the shuttle stop, "I'm going up there."
"Well we're coming with you," Rachel quips, following quickly behind.
You're waiting at the stop for about ten minutes and no shuttles have come down and it's making you even more agitated. You're still just in your white bikini and for a moment you feel exposed since even Quinn has a wrap around her and Rachel has a sundress.
"Fuck this," You murmur, standing up. "I'm sorry, you two, but I'm worried about her."
Quinn looks at her watch and moves her lips to a straight line. "It's four o clock, San, I would be too."
You look at her with gratitude before moving towards the start of the hill. "I'm gonna walk."
"Okay," Rachel says, "We'll stay here in case a shuttle comes."
You thank them and begin your way up the steep road. You realise you're coming across as clingy and paranoid since Brittany could probably just be sunbathing by her pool instead of on the beach but you know Brittany. You know she won't be lying in the sun up there and playing games with her family. If she's up there, she'll be cooped up in her room and you want to be there with her.
The incline of the resort makes your quads burn but you power on as if it's nothing to you. You pass all the lower villas and the ocean view rooms. You spot the spa and by the time you make it past the Italian restaurant midway up the resort, your abs are kind of dying too. You're probably red in the face as well, something that doesn't happen very often and you're definitely out of breath since you're practically running up this hill.
But then you see her coming down the hill too and your legs are sprinting before you even get a chance to tell them to. She doesn't notice you until you reach her and pull her into the hedge at the side of the road and when she does, the look of relief on her face has you abandoning every thought you had about Brittany avoiding you.
"Baby," You breathe, pulling her towards you and kissing her. She tastes the way sunflowers look in summer and when she plants her palm on your cheek and breathes a shaky gasp into your lips, you want to cry because she seems so desperate and so fucking relieved.
Like she's been hungry for you all day.
When you pull apart, she looks at you with her eyes shining like stardust. "I'm so sorry," She whispers, tucking your hair behind your ear and flattening her other hand just above your chest. She looks like she's trying to find words to explain something but she can't so instead she rests her forehead on yours and scrunches her eyes together.
You don't know what words she's searching for and you don't know what words you're searching for either, so you bring her lips to yours again and cup her neck. And kissing Brittany again is like putting vaseline on cracked lips. The relief is almost overwhelming.
Your hand tightens on her neck whilst both of hers rake straight through your hair and right back down to your chest. You groan because fuck it feels good.
"San," She murmurs against your mouth, her eyes still closed. You open yours gently and kiss the corner of her mouth.
"Baby, it's okay, shh." You whisper, leaning back and placing your pointer finger against her lips. Her eyes are swollen like she's been crying and a part of your heart breaks apart.
She sighs and kisses your finger. "I wish it was," She mumbles and you frown.
"Hey, it's alright, cause you're with me now, okay?" You tell her, cupping her face in your hands. You brush away a hair from her eyes and smile softly. "I've been dying to see you."
She pushes her eyes back into her head and breaths a sigh before closing her eyes. When she opens them, she looks like she's about to cry. "All I've been thinking about today is you."
Your breath catches in your throat and a smile grows on your lips. You almost want to laugh because it sounds all too familiar.
'Today's been crap." You say bluntly and Brittany giggles.
She leans forward and just wraps her ams around you. Where she's taller, you revel in how easy and lovely it is to just wrap yours around her waist and for the first time, you're not thinking only about how skinny it is.
"Please just take me away from here." She asks, clinging to your neck.
Your heart falls then because 'here' should be a safe, happy place since she loves it so much. But despite yourself, you nod and take her hand, walking back down to the jeep.
When you reach the bottom, you spot Quinn and Rachel still waiting and wave at them. They wave back, put their thumbs up and make a sign to call them later on. You smile your thanks at them and lead Brittany to the car park.
And driving freely down an empty straight road, with your hair blowing madly behind you and the most beautiful girl sat in the passenger seat, feels like the most exotic, organic and wildly ecstatic thing you have ever done. The way Brittany lowers her head, almost in slow motion, so it rests on top of her seat and the way she smiles as the wind takes her arms into the air makes your heart really race.
Then almost suddenly, you actually realise why your heart took it's first ever beat.
You are looking at Brittany and she is, head to toe, palm to palm, rib to rib, left ventral to right ventral, everything you have been born to love and it almost takes your breath away how happy you are that she is your saving grace - that she is your reason for overcoming nearly everything you have been so lost over before.
"Brittany," You say, but it comes out as a choked whisper, so you repeat yourself a little louder and she turns to look at you, glitter in her eyes.
The road turns a little to the left, so you carefully follow it, before taking Brittany's hand across the middle and locking your fingers together. She smiles delicately and before she can turn around again, you mouth, "I love you," right into the St Lucian air.
The pink in her cheeks makes you feel irrevocably weightless for just a moment.
It is magical.
You drive past this open field full of a green crop you don't recognize. Brittany asks you to pull in, so of course you do and you park the jeep just under a tamarind tree, out of view from the road and nearby houses.
"Wait," Brittany whispers loudly as you go to turn the lights off. "Leave them on."
You offer her a questioning look but she simply focuses on the jeep's radio player and presses around with some buttons. Nothing seems to work so she asks for your phone and you give it to her without a second thought. Moments later, she's got Spice Girls blaring out the jeep's speakers and you're giggling like the tree just farted or something.
And then she's scrolling through your music and her face contorts in disgust.
"Babe," She scowls and where you should feel upset at her distaste, you find yourself falling more in love with her. "I cannot believe you have this song on your phone."
"Wait," You interject, leaning over to see which song. She jerks back and you laugh because you want to know which song she's talking about. "Baby, which song do you mean?"
She's laughing and so are you and before you know it, you've climbed on top of her and wrestled the phone out of her hands.
Kiss The Girl.
You burst out laughing and Brittany breathes at you like she's witnessing a hummingbird being born. Her eyes are playful, yet mesmerized and just as she hits play, you find your lips settling right on hers, a rush of relief flooding through your veins.
And then you mumble right into her mouth, your tongue toying with her bottom lips, "Percussion, strings, winds, words..."
Her giggle makes you want to rip her clothes off.
(Sort of.)
But then you're feeling silly, so you pull her up, clamber the two of you out of the jeep and spin her around to the music in front of the jeep headlights. You're mouthing the words and she's gawking at you, like she's surprised you even know the song let alone the lyrics. You want to tell her it's because you have a little sister but she'd know that wouldn't be the reason why.
And you do want to kiss the girl, and Brittany knows, so she delicately leans forward, cups your cheek in her palm and leans forward, taking your tongue in her own and swallowing you completely.
Kissing Brittany is your favourite.
Kissing her becomes even better when you're spinning round and leaping in front of the headlights and giving her piggy backs until she falls into your arms like sleeping beauty. Kissing her becomes the absolute best when the music switches tempo and she drapes her arms around your shoulders to you close.
You are slow dancing and you don't think you have ever felt so intimate with someone in your life.
Her eyes are sparkling and she smells like daisy chains in spring with her hair falling messily over her eyes and her tanned shoulders, although bony, jutting out teasingly from where her shirt has slipped. She's got one arm around your shoulders and the other slips down your arm to take your hand and hold it close to your chests.
You do not take your eyes off her for a second.
There's one of your favourite acoustics playing in the background and from where you are feeling so overwhelmed, you grip your hand on her lower back and pull her closer to you. The light is dimming and the air around you seems to have loosened up and it's only now that you realise you are still just in your white bikini.
"Hey, beautiful," Brittany whispers at you, studying your face for a while and grinning at what she finds there. You quirk your lips up in a half smile. "I am so glad I found you." She says.
You breathe.
Her eyes catch fire again and you find yourself wanting to cross your legs. She's turning you in the slowest circles, her taller frame wrapping around you and all you want to do is make love to her again.
You hide your blush between the two of you in the dimming light.
"My parents are dicks," She suddenly whispers, leaning her head down with yours.
You look up questioningly, gripping her hand.
"How anyone can look at you and not instantly feel joy is beyond me." She continues, biting her lip.
Your eyes gape open. "Baby?" You frown, shivering from the breeze. Brittany notices, tuts you and pulls you back to the jeep. You resist because you want to know what she means but she tugs you a little harder, like she's more interested in getting you warmed up.
There's not much in the jeep but she searches for something nonetheless. In the back is one of Sam's cotton jumpers so you slip it on and laugh at how the arms drop like waterfalls past your fingers. Brittany laughs too and it makes your heart expand with happiness.
"Britt," You whisper, squinting your eyes slightly because you're kind of wary about where her head was a moment ago. She looks up at you and the familiar sadness has tainted her eyes again and you want to kill whatever it is that's put it there because it doesn't fit.
It doesn't fit at all.
Your stance leaning against the bonnet of the jeep feels weak to you and like your ribcage has creaked heavily open and your heart is beating fast and hard right in front of her eyes. She's looking at war with herself and you want to cease it but you have no idea where to put your white flag.
She suddenly moves rather abruptly into the passenger side, her head low and her hands pulling at all her fingers. She's breathing erratically, her eyes are sharp and moving rapidly and as you go to climb in next to her, she mutters so quietly under her breath, "Can we go?"
Your heart sinks and you don't even know why.
"Sure," You mutter defeatedly back because trying to fight with her seems pointless right now. You wish you could rewind several seconds back to slow dancing to a guitar but Brittany seems determined to leave that behind.
The engine revs into action seemingly louder than it has before but you don't have time to think about it because Brittany's eyes are darting all over the place and it's making you drive sloppy. You want to tell her to stop because you need to drive safely but you're almost scared at how instant her mood change was and how maybe if that was so fast, so too could her feelings for you change.
Just like that.
You didn't even want to think about it.
The road thunders beneath the wheels of the jeep and once again, you're not really sure where you're heading, you just know you're heading away from whatever hurt Brittany just now. And you wonder if this is a thing of Brittany's - whether she spends her life running away away from things that scare her or hurt her. And if it is, how you want to stop that.
The night air whips your face suddenly, like a slap from your Mom when you used to ramble about things that worried you. It couldn't come at a better time and instantly, you reprimand yourself for not doing this sooner.
"Okay, you know what, no," You yell through the wind, breaking gently and pulling over into a bus stop under some fig trees. Brittany snaps her head to you, as if she can't quite believe you even dared to say anything. You feel slightly mad, slightly angry and you have to breathe quickly to calm yourself down a little bit.
You pull the hand break up, whip open the door and stomp march across to Brittany's side.
She's still looking wide-eyed.
"You have got to stop this, Brittany." You order, placing your hands on your hips. She frowns in your direction and tears fill her eyes and she looks, for a moment, even more mad than you feel.
"You can't keep running away from things," You carry on, resting one hand on top of her door and sighing. "Look, I know you're sad, okay, it's no secret. And that's okay, you know, I'm not some evil bitch who's gonna hate you for whatever's made you so sad, Britt because it's you."
She looks away from you then and it breaks your heart a little but you hold your ground. She's still wringing her hands, so you step up onto the side and place your palm over them.
"I love you," You say, squeezing her hands. "I'm completely, madly, weirdly in love with you and therefore your sadness is now my sadness."
She tries to pull her hand out your grip but you keep it there and almost growl, "But this, Britt, this has got to stop. You just can't keep this up for much longer because you'll burn out. You will and maybe people have told you that before but I need you to actually listen to me."
You turn away and close your eyes for a second just listening to the two of you breathing. You feel torn - half of you wants to hold her close because you feel like any second she's just going to break apart but the other half of you wants to walk away and let her think about how she can't keep ignoring her pain. When you turn back, she's got tears rolling down her cheeks and she's shaking.
"Baby, we were just having the most lovely time back there," You tell her, confusion very present in your voice. You know she notices, because she nods her head the tiniest bit. "I did as you asked; I took you away from the resort. I got you as far away as I could right now and yet you want to leave almost as soon as we get there and I don't even know why? Like, you didn't tell me. You're just going to keep quiet and expect me to do all these things for you and understand every single emotion you feel and every single action you take but Britt, I can't."
She sobs, so you open the door and climb on top of her, ignoring how skinny and fragile she is - right now, you don't really care. Your legs encase her thighs and it warms not only you, but her up as well.
"Brittany," You say, leaning your head forward a little, "I'm sad too. So is Quinn, so is Rachel, we're all a little sad. And maybe your pain is a little more intricate than ours and maybe I'll never know what it is you are going through but I do know that we share something and right now, you can't afford to be selfish with it."
She sobs again and it makes you sigh. Her hands are limp, locked together at the base of your navel. Her head is still low and her cheeks are wet and it makes you feel really small and helpless and angry and sad all at the same time.
"I am so sorry," She whispers in quivers. Your heart breaks.
"Brittany," You whisper, closing your eyes wondering what you're meant to do. "I don't wan't your apologies. I just want you to be honest with me."
She sniffs, so you pinch your finger under her chin and bring her eyes to yours. She looks away, ashamed at herself, so you pull her back.
"No, Brittany, stop." You demand, anger seeping out your lips. "Don't do that. Just look at me now and tell me what the fuck is going on in your head. I don't care if it's terrible or weird or totally normal, I don't give a flying wet monkey's ass, just be painfully honest with me." You take a deep breath. She looks at you uneasily.
"What's wrong with your parents?" You ask, searching her eyes for any glimmer of an answer. "Huh? Why do you hate them so much? Why do you hate your family so much? Why are you so scared of nearly everything? What do you think is going to happen? What made you cut your wrists open? Who looked at you that day and told you that maybe it was a good idea? Why the fuck do you starve yourself? Wh-"
"Okay, Santana, you have to stop." She shakily interrupts, lifting her palm to your face. She looks like she wants to cough but she holds it back, placing the same palm to her throat. She's gone deathly pale and if you couldn't feel her heartbeat through her legs, you'd think she was dead.
You're instantly overwhelmed with guilt.
"Fuck," Tumbles out your mouth before you even have a chance to gather your thoughts. You close your eyes and lift both your hands to your face so you can rub your eyes. "Fuck."
It's silent for a while, Brittany's shaky breaths clashing so horribly violently with your deep and heavy ones, it makes you want to kick something.
Preferably yourself.
How could you lose yourself so quickly like that?
You're kind of surprised she hasn't kicked you off her lap but then you remember you're even sat there in the first place and before your brain can catch up, you're leaning forward and grasping her in a hearty hug, the palm of your left hand cupping the back of her neck desperately.
She, thank god, seems to get your actions and pushes her own palms up the cotton jumper to hold onto your waist tightly. She responds to your temple kiss by kissing your shoulder and soon, you both seem to be breathing slower and more normal again, not moving from where you are embraced.
But then you're still so mad at her. You still want her to know that you're mad and that she cannot treat you that way. Being silent doesn't work with you - you have to know because you want her to be okay more than anything else. So before you tell her you're sorry, you jerkily lift off her legs, climb out the jeep and walk towards an ancient bus stop on the corner of the road, wiping at your face as you go.
You can almost feel her breath being knocked from her lungs.
You sit on the snapping wooden bench under the bus stop, sniffing and blinking back the tears that threaten to fall. Denying the natural urge to run back to Brittany and wrap her up in your arms is almost overwhelming and if you weren't sitting down, you're sure you'd have collapsed on the dirty, muddy floor somewhere halfway between you and the jeep.
She hasn't moved because you can hear her sobbing in the front seat.
That kills you even more.
The rainforest beneath you is dense. In the darkness, it looks somewhat like that green weedy sludge you find on the top of ponds and for a moment, you feel like you want to just leap off the hilltop and dive into it. Maybe get stuck there or something, you don't really know.
All you know is you've accidentally fallen in love with broken glass and from trying to pick up the scattered shards, you've cut your own hands and lost more blood than you first realised.
You think about how Brittany did that to herself on purpose and it squeezes at your heart a little - like a quick, sharp punch right in the fucking middle. Your eyes close and the wind blows and you remember again how little you're wearing. For a moment, you wonder if freezing to death out here would be an easier way to die than loving someone like Brittany.
And then you feel a stab in your chest because whilst you've only known her a little over a week, imagining life back home without knowing her is enough to make you actually want to die.
How badly have you really fallen for this girl, Lopez?
You shake your head because even if you wanted to back out right now, you couldn't. There's nothing you can do. You know Brittany now; you know she exists and you know that you really do have a soulmate and you really do have an actual shot at a perfectly normal and lovely future and with someone who wants it just as much back and after everything, that's really all you've strived for. All you've ever really asked for.
But now you're realising how hard it's actually going to be.
You think back to all the friends you had in high school and then college and you feel jealous over how simple their relationships were. Granted, you didn't know what went on behind closed doors but you did know that for the most part, everyone was okay. Everyone was fine.
Everyone wasn't like Brittany.
Yet you fell in love with her.
Stupidly?
Maybe.
There's an unfamiliar drumming in your heart when you think of loving Brittany. You've never felt this much like you actually need someone to be okay. You are sure that even if Brittany decided she didn't want to be with you, you'd still have to make sure she was okay, girlfriend or not.
Girlfriend.
You've never had a girlfriend before. And the word hits you like the slap of the wind earlier.
Brittany is your girlfriend and however much you maybe rushed into loving her, you cannot deny how happy it makes you feel that she is.
Your girlfriend.
Yours.
All yours. No one else's. Just yours.
You're smiling before you can stop yourself and you wonder if this is going to be a thing with Brittany for the rest of your life. Because you will love her for the rest of your life. There's a beat in her heart that matches the rhythm of a beat in yours and however far apart the two of you may come to be, it will always beat for Brittany. Always. Even if you don't stay together.
And that makes your breath leave your body so fast you think the thought maybe winded you.
"Fuck," You whisper silently to yourself. Why was this so difficult?
Did it need to be?
You could just go home and meet someone else because in this world of six and a half billion, you're sure there would be another match for you.
You think about going home to New York and how you'll have to settle right back into the same routine of working for your dad and working at The Spotlight Diner and how you'll have to sing Ohana to sleep every night and cook your dad dinner and write songs to send to labels and start looking for your own place to rent and meeting up with college friends and Rachel and Kurt and visiting your mom's grave and writing more and more...
And it just makes your head hurt.
Because you're here, in paradise, falling in love with this beautiful girl and there are no cares in the world that you need to worry about.
Yet there are - and they are so important.
Does Brittany fit into your life back home? You don't think you can question it, really. You'd change your life if for some reason she didn't. You know how these long distance relationships work but you want Brittany so bad that you don't think you'll even doubt not being with her exclusively.
Over a screen or not.
But maybe you had got a little caught up with your surroundings here. And maybe, just maybe, you did get too carried away with Brittany's beauty and now that her pain is projecting reality like a fucking blinding light right in front of your eyes, you're beginning to think that maybe you've been living in a world that doesn't exist with feelings that you just imagined.
Her hand suddenly falls onto your shoulder then and just through her touch, you know that even if that were true, you still loved this girl and the feelings you have for her are very much real and very much alive.
You plant your face into the palm of your hands and this time, with Brittany's hand pressed cautiously on your shoulder, you can't help but let your tears fall. And you try really hard to not move your body but the way her hand is shaking makes it worse and you seem to crumble into your own palms.
The crickets are screaming around you and for a second, you want to laugh at how you're even in this predicament in the first place. Crying face first into your own hands, wearing nothing but a bikini and cotton sweater underneath a rotting bus stop on a Caribbean island with a girl who was just a stranger to you a month ago.
Was your life always meant to be this unpredictable?
You're crying over someone else's pain and if your mom could see you now, would she laugh or would she be proud?
"B-Britt-" You manage to gasp out, inhaling sharply and deeply, wiping your eyes with the sleeve of Sam's sweater. You sigh heavily, resting your elbows on your knees and closing your eyes. You inhale deeply once again and then let it out in a long puff. "Please-" You hiccup and swallow. "Please come here."
You sort of hold your arms out in a desperate fashion, finding her wrists when she moves around you and clasping her onto your lap. She sits warily upon you, unsure whether to comfort you or leave you.
You weren't sure what you wanted either.
"Brittany," You whisper, resting your forehead on her shoulder as she sits with her legs dangling to your right. "I don't know you."
She whimpers a little bit and sniffs delicately.
You sigh.
"I don't even know who you are."
She stiffens and so you pull her closer and tighter.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked you those things earlier in that way, I was just so mad and so desperate to understand because I don't think I do." Your throat constricts and you swallow roughly to push it back out. "But that doesn't change the fact I still want to know them. I want the answers, Britt. I want to know you."
She hangs her head low and you feel her breath on your face. It's deafening.
"Those questions don't define me, Santana." She whispers so incredibly delicately, you'd think she was terrified of you.
Maybe, in this moment, she is.
You nod your head firmly and look back up at her. "No, Britt, they don't. And they never will but I still need to know them."
"Why?" Comes her whispered reply. Her voice cracks.
You look up at her and pull your lips in before releasing them with a gentle pop.
"So I can love you better." You say, looking into her eyes. "And more. So I can love you so much more."
Her breath catches in her throat then and it takes all your power not to kiss her.
She looks away and places her right arm around your neck, playing with your hair where her hand falls the other side. She sighs and continues to breathe deeply.
"I just..." She starts but her voice fades away.
You sniff a little and turn your neck to kiss her hand. Her breath catches again.
"San, I don't really know what to say because I don't want you to love me for what I've done." She strangles out, her eyebrows bunching together and her little nose scrunching. She sniffs. "I want you to love me for what you see now. You know? I don't like who I've been and what I did to myself and the thought of you loving that makes me so uncomfortable."
She takes a deep breath and twirls your hair around her fingers. "I have no real legit reason to feel the way I do." She continues, looking into the distance. "I just am."
"Britt," You interrupt, making her look at you. "Tell me about yourself. Tell me why every time I see you with your family, I want to take you away from them? Tell me what you feel then if you don't know why? I just want to know. Please."
Her eyes catch in the light from the moon and it makes you smile a little. She seems to relax.
"Ugh, this is difficult because when it comes to my family, I just don't like them and they don't like me." She shrugs like it's completely normal. "That's just the way it's always been. I can't remember a time they didn't resent me and growing up to be a failure has only proven their point that I'm pretty much useless."
You go to question that but she holds her hand up.
"I'm not saying I am a failure, I just feel like one. You know? Everybody does from time to time." She shrugs again and you shake your head. "I was just that kid who wanted to escape and go on adventures and be on my own but not really. I never had any childhood friends and so I've always been used to being by myself and being my own best friend. And it just got worse I guess as I grew up. I don't fit in my family and they know that."
You study her face and when she looks at you, you whisper, "Okay." You sigh and kiss her hand again. "Now tell me about you."
"What? Santana, I ju-"
"No, tell me about you." You repeat sternly, cocking your head. "What do you do back home? Are you at college? Do you work? How fucking old are you? Tell me the basics we should have covered before we fell in love."
She laughs at that and you smile because suddenly the air feels a little lighter. "I'm serious, Britt, we don't know these things!"
She giggles again and bites her lip. And then she stands up suddenly, turns to face you and holds her hand out. You giggle with her because you realise what she's doing.
"Hey," She greets, her arm still extended. You grasp it. "I'm Brittany Susan Pierce - twenty years old, former street dance champion three years running, privately-schooled daydreamer and avid duck lover."
You laugh loudly, shaking her hand, a wide grin splitting your face magically.
"I work with a really old lady in her really old book shop in a really old town, with a dog called Peter and a fireplace that doesn't really work anymore." She continues, before leaning down and kissing your hand. You smile even bigger, blushing the tiniest bit. "I live in a house that's too big, with a family that's too proud and a pond that I absolutely adore."
You watch then as Brittany leans down to sit on her calves, places both her hands around yours and looks you dead in the eye.
You swallow.
"I've recently been discharged from hospital to go on holiday," She says, "because I am struggling with an eating disorder and I tried to cut the damn thing out of my veins."
You swallow again and feel your heart speed up faster than it ever had before. Your lips crumble and your eyes twitch and you're waiting for Brittany to burst into laughter, even though that would be so ridiculously inappropriate.
You drag in the sharpest breath and purse your lips so they don't fall off your face. Her hands are tight on yours, so you make yours tighter. You don't want to break down again in front of her but fuck.
Fuck.
You have no idea what to say.
Brittany smiles gently, like she sees what's going on in your mind. (Maybe she does.)
She leans down a little and kisses your clasped hands, hovering there for some time. Your breath is shaky but before you can scare her, you lean down and press your lips to the top of her head. You stay there, inhaling the sweet scent of her blonde hair, basking in the fact that she's fucking alive.
Did you really want to know this about Brittany?
Of course you fucking did.
"Thank you for telling me, Britt." You whisper into her hair, inhaling once again.
She mumbles something into your hands you don't quite hear.
"Sorry, baby?"
She leans up, biting her lip. Her tongue sticks out to moisten them before she repeats, "I'm sorry."
You nod. "I'm sorry too."
"About what?" She asks, her brown knitting together.
"No," You reply, shaking your head. "I'm sorry for being difficult about this. For asking you things you don't really have to answer, things I have no right to demand to hear, you know? I was just being a dick."
"Please stop, Santana." She says plainly, placing her pointer finger to your lips. You kiss it. "If I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with you, you've got to know them at some point, hey?"
"Wait, what?" You blink, your heart stopping at her words. You feel like it's going to grow out your ribs like overgrown ivy. Did she mean to say that?
Brittany smiles and her eyes widen. "Oh wait!" She exclaims, standing up and pulling you with her. "I don't even know who you are, what am I even saying? Introduce yourself, pretty girl."
Your breath has gone and your heart is singing and if you could grasp even one fact about yourself, you'd be doing well. Brittany is still smiling at you though and if her hands were not holding yours, maybe you'd forget your name altogether or something.
"San?" She giggles, totally unaware of what she's just said.
You move your eyes rapidly, searching for anything to tell her. She giggles again.
"Oh," You whisper, holding your hand out. She takes it and then smiles delicately and thankfully at you. It makes your heart melt. "Hey,"
"Hey," Brittany replies, squeezing it.
"Well," You begin, remembering how this was your idea and you should probably make it good. "I'm Santana Marie Lopez, I'm twenty-one years old, I work in my dad's bakery and in a diner where I get to sing a lot and I love it."
You giggle because this whole situation has suddenly become something completely different.
"I recently graduated from college with a degree in the history of music," You tell her and you love it when her eyes pop open. "I write songs all the time and I send them to countless record labels but I never hear back from them. My favourite colour is red, Iced Breadsticks are the tastiest things I have ever eaten and I spend my life meeting Rachel Berry on the subway."
Brittany chuckles at this and mumbles how you bet you secretly enjoy those times. You wink back at her, as if she caught you out on your biggest secret.
"But shh, don't tell." You whisper, smirking. She seems to lose her breath.
"And," You finish, looking away shamefully, "I spent four years of my life ignoring my whole family because I was distraught that it broke in half for absolutely no reason and I couldn't do anything about it."
Brittany squints her eyes like she's finally understanding something and then she giggles. You're so confused but her lips are shaking and then her shoulders go and it's so infectious that you have no time to be pissed at her. You're laughing back before you can even stop yourself and when she pulls you in for a hug, you hug back even tighter, the feeling of her chest on yours making you feel okay once again.
The air around you thins out and suddenly, you're not so cold anymore. The crickets don't sound like their screaming; their song is more of a comfort to you and once again, you find yourself wanting to bottle a moment with Brittany, especially when she's wrapped so tightly around you.
Shaking and all.
She pulls back, shakes her head, apologizes and begins laughing again. She even snorts and you burst out an even bigger laugh, wiping at your eyes and sniffing to stop the earlier sadness seeping out your nose in an ugly fashion. Her hair has fallen out her messy ponytail so you reach forward and tuck it behind her ears, ceasing her laughter and making her just grin at you. You grin right back.
She apologizes again.
"It's just," She explains, leaning forward to cup your cheek. You lean into the warmth. "We're such serious people."
She laughs again and so do you.
"What's wrong with us?" She wonders, in between giggles.
You smile so widely. "I don't know," You tell her, finding her so beautiful in this moment. "But I am so in love with whatever it is."
She chuckles at that.
"You know," You walk towards her, reaching your arms around her waist and pulling her in. "My favourite part about you, Brittany Susan Pierce, is that you are an avid duck lover."
Brittany laughs really loudly, her nose scrunching up excitedly.
"And my favourite part about you is that you have a thing for breadsticks."
"Iced breadsticks," You correct, raising an eyebrow and smirking. "They're amazing."
"I want to try one," Brittany surprises you by saying.
You grin. This girl has made you feel a thousand different emotions just in this one day and you know that this kind of person doesn't come around twice. You know that Brittany is your girl and your person and your soulmate and even though you felt so mad at her a moment ago, right now, you feel so entwined with her, that all your other feelings don't seem to matter.
"Can I take you back to New York with me?" You murmur, your eyes glazing over with love.
"You can take me anywhere," She replies, running her hands up your biceps. "As long as I'm with you."
The two of you smile at each other and once you're back in the jeep and driving slowly back to the resort, you turn to face Brittany and she turns to you.
"You know, I cannot stay mad at you for anything."
Brittany laughs, looks down at her lap and then leans across the dashboard to kiss your cheek.
"Good. Because I want to spend the night with you."
...
Brittany had managed to get you and her an ocean view room, one of the smaller rooms nearer the bottom of the hill. She'd spoken to one of the managers behind reception for about half an hour before grabbing your hand and whisking you behind the desk, ducking down.
You'd heard her parent's voices coldly asking the girls at reception if they'd seen their daughter. Brittany had her head low and her eyes squeezed shut and when Valerie walked out from the bamboo doors at the back, she'd simply informed Mr and Mrs Pierce that Brittany had not been down to the beach once that day.
When they'd stalked off, all you could hear swirling round and round in your head was Brittany's mom's disgusted tone when she'd bitten, "she's probably been with that mexican girl she calls her friend all day."
It wasn't even the worst you'd heard in your life, but it still stung. Especially coming from someone who was a huge part of someone you loved.
Valerie had ushered you along to a shuttle to take you to your room, scolding you that she wasn't happy about the situation but she'd keep quiet if it meant the two of you could escape the wrath of Mrs Pierce.
When you'd got to the room, after a weirdly silent shuttle ride, Brittany had laid on her side on the bed and patted the space next to her. And that's where you found yourself now, staring into her eyes and wondering what you were feeling. You knew Brittany didn't like her family and that even though there was no solid reason, you knew there must have been something different about them if open minded, lovable, adventurous Brittany didn't fit in with them.
Especially since she was so sad.
But you'd not expected them to be quite so, well, rude.
Was that the right word?
You weren't sure. You just hated that you were feeling so deflated.
Brittany shifts beside you and you know she realises you heard her mom. It makes you angry at yourself that you can't hide your feelings that well from her but it's just because it came from someone you really wanted to get on with and it's now sort of real that you probably won't.
"Santana," Brittany whispers cautiously, squinting a little bit at you. "You made me talk earlier, so please talk to me now?"
Your heart gives way a little and you release a long breath and reach your arm across her. She lifts one of her legs and places it over yours. You suddenly realise that this is what Brittany must have been meaning when she'd got so upset in that field.
You sigh. "Yeah, sorry, baby."
Brittany leans forward to kiss your nose. She goes to do it again but you catch her face before hand and kiss her lips instead. Your mouth is open but you close it around Brittany's and she muffles a moan between you.
You pull apart and apologize again. Brittany reprimands you.
Another silence cocoons the bed and the two of you bask in the noise of the crickets humming outside. You can just hear the faint sound of the waves as they gently roll into shore one by one and if you hold your breath, the sound of Brittany's fills your ears. There seems to be a magic in the way her chest rises and then falls and for a moment, you are captivated by the way her hipbone juts towards the ceiling and her hair runs like streams that would take you all the way to the other side of the world if you followed them. Her eyes glitter as the starlight outside sneaks through the half closed wooden windows and dances upon her face. And in this second, you are so glad you can touch her.
Bringing your arm from her back to the nape of her neck, you are reminded of a book you once read when you were in college. Your roommate had been studying Literature and had lent a copy of Fear and Self Loathing in Las Vegas after you'd told her you wanted to visit the city. You're still not sure if she had wanted to put you off or whether she thought you were an uneducated shit (probably both) but you'd read the book nonetheless. And the only part that ever stood out to you was when the author had written, 'but no explanation, no mix of words or music or memories can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive in that corner of time and the world.'
You had strived every moment after your mom died to feel alive and right now, you actually did. Staring at this beautiful girl who had never done one thing to hurt anybody intentionally and who looked like an angel may as well have just landed in this tiny two bed hotel room, surrounding you with a warmth you'd never experienced before, you felt fucking alive.
"Your mom," You begin, looking down into the small space between the two of you and back into her eyes. "Uh, she doesn't like...this?"
Brittany smiles. "My family don't like this. God knows what will happen when they find out I'm in love with you."
"Wait," You frown, "You haven't told them?"
"San," She bites her lip. "I don't talk to my parents about anything, let alone being in love with a girl. I mean, you heard what she said."
You're worried now. You don't want to lose Brittany. You've heard the stories, some couples get kept apart or chucked out or denied any contact and you don't think you could cope with having all of Brittany and then none at all.
"But what will happen when they do know?" You hate how weak your voice sounds.
Brittany purses her lips and sighs. "I don't know."
Your anxiety gets even worse.
"But," She continues, leaning forward a little and kissing your nose, "they won't stop me from being with you because I'm an adult and it would be my decision."
"They could chuck you out, Britt."
"So what?" She laughs, pulling you closer. "I don't want to be there anyway."
"But where will you live?" You're really panicking now that she won't be safe and it's kind of clouding over your mind.
"Anywhere. As long as I know you're alive, I don't care." She grins in the darkness and the magic increases. "I will live on the streets of New York just so I can be near you. Okay? We don't have to worry about anything."
You giggle. "You wouldn't have to live on the streets. You'd look like one of those sad tramps with your dog and a blanket covered with knitted ducks or something."
Brittany laughs loudly then and it makes your head hurt less. "I'd be like a sad panda." She says, sobering a little.
"A sad panda," You repeat, glancing down at her lips and loving her so much. "What's the deal with your parents anyway?"
Brittany rolls her eyes. "Other than the fact they're upper class ignorant bigots who spend their lives commenting on others, they're just dicks. Really."
You smirk. "Baby, that's not a nice thing to say."
Brittany raises her eyebrows. "And was it a nice thing my mom said down at reception?"
You immediately stop smirking and chew your tongue. She had a point.
"My parents live in the past, Santana and all I've done is try to escape it." She lifts your chin up with her finger and leans forward to kiss you. It's long and slow and languid and it makes your heart pound against your ribs. When you pull apart, she cups your cheek and whispers right near your lips, "But you, you are so present that I feel drunk all of the time when I'm with you."
You stick your tongue out and lick her top lip. "What about your future?" You ask, half smiling. "Have any plans?"
She leans up then, hovers over you and lets her hair tickle the tips of your cheekbones. "Maybe something with this chick I met on holiday who made me gay, I don't know."
"Baby," You giggle, when she leans down and bites your neck lightly, "I didn't make you gay, I'm just hot."
"Yes," She agrees, flattening her tongue against your neck and dragging it all the way up to your ear, until she kisses your cheek. Her hand suddenly leaves the pillow beside your head and reaches under the sweater and over your bikini bottoms...
...right between your legs.
Fuck.
"Yes, you are."
"Britt," You moan, arching your back. "Take this off."
The sweater comes off and then she unties your bikini top and before you even get a chance to remove hers, she's got her lips around your nipple piercing, sucking and caressing it with her tongue, making you marvel in the way she's being so confident.
The crickets are loud and a dog barks in the distance but she's moving into you like she's been doing it for a thousand years. Her kisses are wet and long and as she drops tiny kisses across your chest, then your neck and up to your jawline, you've lifted her shirt right to her neck.
She smirks at your impatience and leans up to take it off. But it's suddenly like she remembers what's underneath and a fear crosses her eyes without you being able to stop it. And just as you're about to lean up and hold her close to you, she rips off her shirt like it's diseased and sits atop you, waiting for you to comment.
Her ribs stick out in all the wrong places, like her skeleton is trying to escape her skin. Where a once lean dancers abdominals were now sits a tummy that pushes back into itself. She has several moles forming a constellation at the bottom of her belly button and just like that, they are all you notice.
So you sit up and you kiss her. You kiss her right on the mouth and you wrap your arms right around her body. Her breasts are tiny, yet they push against yours with a hunger you're learning to feel intoxicated by.
It's quiet in the air immediately around you; the tension is strong, filling your senses scents you were only just discovering. Your hands clasp around her neck and your kisses are sloppy - the kind that nearly make you want to inhale a person.
"Lie down," You demand, following Brittany as she does so. You're so close, you're suffocating the air between you.
Both your breathing is getting heavy and it's making you lightheaded. You kiss her again and she responds by pressing her tongue so far in your mouth, you can almost feel yourself dripping down your thighs and in between your legs.
Your hips start canting into Brittany's center, hard, fast, desperate.
She wails.
Her hands reach behind your ass and her fingers hook the seam of your bikini bottoms. She manages to move them slightly but you need to break apart to get them fully off. When your lips are back on hers, you slide down her own underwear, groaning at how flexible she is as she curls her legs in and flicks them off without taking her lips away from yours.
And then she's pushing up into you and it's so hot, you think you're going to pass out. She feels just as desperate as you do and as her skin gets hotter, so does the air around you and it smells incredible.
You've never wanted to taste someone as much as you want to taste Brittany right now.
You plant your tongue just under her chin and drag it so slowly down between her breasts, her navel and above where you want to go. She's quivering and so before you kiss her there, you lean back up to her face and tell her to open her eyes.
"I'm gonna kiss you down there, okay? But if at any moment you want me to stop, tell me to stop and I promise you I will."
She bites her lip and once again her hips push up into you.
"Don't even think about stopping," Comes her growling reply.
You don't have to be asked twice.
Her scent is heady and intoxicating. If you kiss her at the top, she'll grab your hair and push you further into her. If you press your tongue deep into her, she'll drop her jaw open and she'll gasp out a breath like you've just plunged your hand into her lungs and grabbed it from her.
Her arms are above her head right now and your tongue is flat against her opening. You lick upwards to the top and the moment you hear her gasp, you encase her whole centre, wetting your lips warmly around her like you're setting her on fire.
"Babe," She breathes out, "keep going, fuck,"
You make your tongue solid and flick it against her fast, holding down her hips with both your hands. Her movements get sharper and you feel her swelling against your mouth. You dip right back into her one last time and then you can feel her pulse against your tongue and the tangy sweetness that escapes her fills your senses with love.
"Ahh, Santana,"
Her back is arched so much, for a moment you think it might snap but the way her jaw is tight in surprise and her eyes are closed in pleasure, you know she could never break.
Not if you're touching her.
"Ahh," She continues to moan, her hips residing their bucking and her eyes reopening.
You come to lay down right beside her, half on her and half on the bed. She kisses you and looks at you with half hooded eyes. She moves to climb on top of you but you hold her back.
"Not now," You say, causing her to frown. "I just want to hold you. Please?"
She hesitantly lies back down, chewing her lip and knotting her brow together. You reach up and smooth it out with your thumb. You smile at her. She's perfect. You didn't get to hold her last time and you'll be damned if you don't get to this time.
You want to hold her after every time.
She nestles into your chest like she needs your warmth and even though you're both sticky and the air outside is hot and humid, somehow, you can still feel your heart warm up inside you. She kisses your collarbone and just before you think she's fallen asleep, you feel her hand creep within your legs and press delicately onto your centre.
"Britt?" You murmur against her hair, "What did I just say?"
"Shh," She whispers back, cupping you there and making you feel breathless again. She doesn't move her hand for a while so you think it's innocent but then her fingers start working in small circles and even if you wanted to, you couldn't stop yourself pressing into her.
You can feel her smirk against your chest.
She's lying there like she's trying to sleep, peaceful, slow and steady. But her fingers are moving faster and her tongue is licking your collarbone and then a moan escapes your lips and she's kissing your neck instead.
"Baby," You moan again, reaching down and pressing your hand atop her moving wrist. "Harder."
She's sucking really hard on your neck and you know tomorrow there's going to be a mark. But you don't care, the tension is building, you feel amazing and it's all because of Brittany.
Brittany and her fingers.
"Uhhh, baby," You moan, not quite believing the simple effect she's having on you.
She's going so hard that you're losing your breath and when you eventually come undone, her kisses on your neck turn softer and her hand cups your centre once again.
"You bitch," You gasp in between breaths, "I wanted to hold you."
Brittany giggles, pressing her lips up to yours. "Hold me now then."
You smile and she smiles and the only thing between you are the sheets.
"I love you." You tell her, brushing away her hair off her face.
"I love you too." She replies, almost glowing. "Can I take you on an adventure tomorrow?"
You grin. "Of course, where do you wanna go?"
"Away from here."
You sober a little. "Let's hide up here for the whole morning and we'll go in the afternoon, yeah?"
She nods. "I know this all seems so serious right now, like with us and my parents and how this has happened so quickly. But I do believe that it was always going to be this way for us. I think that had I met you back in Ohio, I would have fallen in love with you this quickly. Or had we met in New York, the same would have happened there, you know?"
"Yeah," You whisper, kissing her forehead. "I can't wait to spend another day with you tomorrow you avid duck lover."
And then Brittany laughs and you think you might never love a person as much as you love Brittany in this moment.