Ups and Downs Part II

"So that's him. Your elf."

Ataria nodded, staring into the distance. The elves had long since disappeared from view but she just couldn't turn away. So she kept standing there while her head felt strangely empty.

"Ataria, is everything all right?" A vigorous shaking of her shoulder jolted her out of her lethargy. Startled, she looked at the worried face of her friend. How long had she been standing here like this? It couldn't have been more than a few minutes. The crowd was only just beginning to disperse and Gabron was still by her side, looking at her contemplatively.

Ataria shook her head as if being in a daze and shoved Jesa's hands away. It was at this very moment she became aware of something.

"No, nothing's all right," she snapped at Jesa, making her friend recoil.

The moment she saw Jesa's appalled face Ataria almost regretted her actions. She knew she was behaving unfairly and mean towards Jesa but at this point she couldn't bring herself to care. Somebody had hurt her so she felt the need to hurt somebody else in return, regardless of whether she wanted to or not.

Without another word she turned on her heel and ran back into the village, to the blacksmiths, to Beros…

Even from afar she could hear the loud hammering which issued from the small dilapidated building. It drowned out the erratic beating of her heart and her wheezing breath.

Without missing a beat she wrenched open the door, in her haste almost falling over a sack of coal near the door. It was the wooden table in the middle of the room which broke her fall, the tools which had been put down on it rattling when she crashed into the sturdy furniture.

For a long moment there was silence.

Beros was standing at the anvil, the blacksmith's hammer in his hand. Apparently, he was trying hard to wreck his latest work as the scythe blade in his left hand was barely recognizable anymore.

The forge at his back was smouldering but this was nothing compared to the burning rage Ataria was feeling. Her voice was trembling with suppressed emotions.

"Why won't you let me go? Why? Why? Why?!"

Anger and frustration overwhelmed her and she was hell-bent on confronting Beros with it. Beros, however, remained silent.

She snorted with disbelief when he dropped his gaze and set about resuming his work.

"You have nothing to say? It's pathetic, really… and cowardly."

Her words were bitter and accusing but they had no effect whatsoever.

Ataria just gaped at Beros who was deliberately ignoring her while working on the deformed scythe blade. Only his tense posture showed that he had heard her. Outraged, she banged her fist on the table. She was rewarded with a sharp pain in her hand, bringing tears to her eyes and making her gasp. Gritting her teeth, she brushed the tears away. Looking at Beros as soon as her vision wasn't blurred anymore she saw him looking at her with sorrow in his eyes. Sorrow and…shame?

He still remained silent, only looking at her in a peculiar sad way. Ataria couldn't bear it anymore.

"You don't even have a valid reason for this, do you?" she sobbed.

Beros averted his face, thus answering her question.

Ataria took a deep breath, trying to maintain her composure, and nodded as if coming to a sudden realization.

"I'm old enough to make my own decisions. I don't need your consent."

Beros gave her a tired look then he shook his head sorrowfully.

"We will take about this later, Ataria. Now go, please."

For a moment it seemed as if Ataria would fly into a rage but then she just lifted her chin sulkily and left without so much as a backward glance.

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"Are you here to stab me in the back?"

Gabron took a deep breath. Under normal circumstances he would have taken offence at Beros' rude tone but those weren't normal circumstances for sure.

Beros' voice sounded hard and cold but his appearance told another story. He was supporting himself on the anvil, his head hanging.

Seeing his nephew in such a state wasn't easy for Gabron. It was apparent that this situation was weighing on Beros' mind as much as on Ataria's. Possibly more. But why all of this? What was the reason for his strange behaviour?

Gabron breathed a sigh, seeing Ataria's tear-streaked face in his mind's eye. He had arrived in time to see her rushing out of the blacksmiths. She had run past him, being all in tears. His calling for her went unanswered.

He had come here to make good on his promise - to spare no effort to change his stubborn nephew's mind. By the looks of it Ataria had beat him to it. It came as no surprise for Gabron had expected it but judging by the look on her face she had evidently failed miserably. Seeing Beros like this now made Gabron realize that her attempt had only served to make matters worse.

Gabron's resolve wavered. He wanted to help them both but as sorry as he was he had to take somebody's side. He did so with a heavy heart.

Neither his voice nor his face revealed the conflict he was feeling when he addressed Beros. His words were merciless and cutting.

"Ataria is devastated yet it's YOU who's hanging his head?!"

His rebuke had the desired effect. Beros' head shot up, an incredulous expression on his face, but he got over his surprise rather quickly and pursed his lips angrily. His eyes flashed when he snapped at Gabron, "What do YOU know?!"

Gabron smiled bleakly. He hadn't expected such a strong reaction but anything was preferable to this oppressive silence.

"Apparently not much. Why don't you enlighten me?"

Gabron saw the insecurity in Beros' eyes and acted without a moment's hesitation. He had to take advantage of this opportunity. His voice much softer he spoke in an appeasing tone, "Beros, talk to me."

Perhaps it was the sympathy Beros read from his expression, perhaps he had been waiting for somebody to confide in. Whatever the reason Beros' gruff countenance gave way. In a burst of frustration he flung the deformed piece of metal lying on his anvil into the forge, making sparks fly.

With his back turned to Gabron he said in a hoarse voice, "All I ever wanted was to make it possible for Belan and Ataria to lead a happy life. Yes, happiness…especially for Ataria. She had had to endure too many dreadful events in her life for one so young. I had sworn to myself…," here Beros paused and took a deep breath. "I had sworn to myself to do everything in my power to make this happen."

He swung around abruptly, red-rimmed eyes gazing piercingly at Gabron. He lowered his voice to a whisper, "That's why we've come here. The only place we could go to. The only way out of all this misery and hardship."

Moved by Beros' shocking confession, Gabron stroke his beard pensively. "I know you always mean well, Beros. Everything you do is for the benefit of the people around you. So why don't you allow Ataria to come with us? The elves' proposal might very well be a once-in-a-lifetime chance for her. They can offer her so much more than we ever could…"

"You think I don't know this? This is what it's all about, Gabron," Beros roared and Gabron winced in spite of himself.

Agitated, Beros paced up and down while Gabron watched him with a worried frown. After a while he stopped in front of Gabron, breathing heavily, obviously trying hard to to keep his temper and voice in check.

"This is what it's all about, Gabron," he repeated. "Coming here and hoping for everything to turn out all right was the only thing I could do for Belan and Ataria. But it wasn't enough."

Dejected, Beros ran his fingers through his hair. He stared at the ground as he acknowledged, "I'm perfectly aware of the fact that Ataria suffers. I can see it clearly day by day. She tries to conceal it from me but I know. This village, those people here…I…can never give her what she seeks deep down inside her."

A strong feeling of sympathy surged up within Gabron as he heard this despairing confession. He wanted to stride up to his nephew, wanted to place his hand on his shoulder, anything to comfort this distressed man. Instead he stayed where he was for he felt that Beros wasn't finished yet and waited patiently until his nephew began talking once more.

Beros could hardly bring himself to say the words but he had gone too far to hold them back now.

"I've known it for quite some time but I didn't want to acknowledge it to myself…and then those elves came… and their proposal made me realize that…"

It was in this moment Beros found the strength to raise his eyes and look at Gabron. His voice was flat, his expression blank.

"I've failed, Gabron. I've failed."

Wordlessly, Gabron shook his head and before Beros could react in any way Gabron gave him a comforting hug. With a shaking voice he whispered into his nephew's ear, "Don't you dare say something like that ever again. Do you hear me? You did all you could do and you know it."

When Beros didn't reply Gabron let go of him and took hold of him under the chin, forcing Beros to meet his gaze. They looked at each other for a moment then Beros nodded acquiescently, making Gabron sigh with relief. Gently, his hands cupped Beros' face and he touched his forehead to Beros'. Glad to have finally got through to his nephew Gabron closed his eyes.

They remained like this for a while before Beros quietly said, "Bitterness made me act harshly and unjustly towards Ataria. There's no reason to refuse her to go with you. And yet…"

Gabron, who believed to have achieved his aim in consequence of this confession, raised his head questioningly. He was curious to hear what made Beros hesitate still.

Beros wriggled for an answer for quite some time but suddenly he blurted out, "I don't like the way this elf was looking at her."

Gabron roared with laughter, ignoring Beros's indignant expression.

Disgruntled, Beros folded his arms across his chest while Gabron wiped away his tears of laughter. After he had recovered himself to a degree he asked in feigned amazement, "What do you mean?"

"Don't pretend you didn't notice him," Beros exclaimed. "I saw the look he gave her. As if she was…as if he wanted to…you know what I mean!"

"Oh, him." Gabron couldn't suppress a smile.

Accusingly, Beros pointed at finger at him. "So you saw it, too. Admit it and don't play the innocent."

"Of course I saw it. I'm old, Beros, not blind."

His offhanded remark made Beros' jaw drop open, causing Gabron to laugh anew. Amused, he patted Beros' shoulder who in turn hit at his hand grumpily.

Gabron had a mischievious gleam in his eye as he teased Beros a little more. "Only a father would say such words."

Then the teasing glint in his eyes disappeared and he asked in a sober tone of voice, "But what about Beros the designated future leader of this village? What does he say about the elves' proposal? What kind of decision would he make?"

With a deep sigh Beros answered reluctantly, "He would approve wholeheartedly and give his blessing to send the group on their way…including Ataria."

Gabron nodded benevolently. "Then go to her. Talk to her. I'll take care of the rest."

After Beros had left, a pleased Gabron went on his way. He had a journey to organize.

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Never before had Ataria felt so at odds with herself. On the one hand she felt like talking things over with Beros and reconcile with him. She even contemplated defering to his wishes if it meant that everything would be like it used to be between them again. On the other hand a part of her boiled with indignation at the thought of it. He had done her wrong, had hurt her feelings. To relent wasn't an option.

That was how it came that Ataria was frustrated beyond belief while lying on her bed and staring at the ceiling. Not that she took notice of it. She was too engrossed in her internal debate.

All of a sudden the voices fell silent as she became aware of something that demanded her attention.

Footsteps.

Footsteps approaching her door.

Frowning, Ataria sat up. It couldn't be Belan, of that she was sure. Upon entering their small house she had made it clear to him that she didn't want to be disturbed. Words hadn't been necessary for the tears running down her face had spoken for themselves. Belan had turned away sadly when she had walked across the room and slammed the door to her room shut.

So if it wasn't Belan's footsteps she was hearing it had to be…

Ataria's eyes widened momentarily. Panicking, she hurriedly brushed her tears away. She couldn't let Beros see her face like this. No sooner than she had completed the thought her eyes narrowed and she was seized with anger once again. She had every reason to be in tears. Let him see what he had caused. Not that she intended to open the door anyway. No, she didn't want to see anybody at the moment least of all Beros.

She listened with bated breath. The footsteps were coming closer still until they came to a stop in front of her door.

There was a moment's silence then she heard a voice tentatively saying, "Ataria?"

Her heart skipped a beat upon hearing it. So it really was him. He was here to…to do what exactly? To antagonize her some more by saying even more hurtful words? To apologize? Surely, he didn't earnestly expect her to want to talk to him at the moment? But his voice had sounded so tentative when he had said her name. Could it be…? For a moment her forgiving nature prevailed but then she stubbornly remembered being mad at him. So she kept silent even when he called her name again.

For a long time everything was quiet. Then she heard a weary sigh and the sound of footsteps moving away from the door.

When there was complete silence again Ataria wrapped her arms around her legs and buried her face between them, sobbing softly. She was too distressed to notice the stomping footsteps approaching her door yet again. Only when Beros teared open the door and hurried towards her did she react.

Before she could comprehend what was going on she found herself in Beros' arms. He held her so close Ataria had to gasp for breath.

Her feeble protest died away when he rocked her gently. Due to his face in her hair the words he spoke were somewhat muffled but she understood.

"I'm sorry. So sorry, Ataria."

Ataria just sat there numbly. She heard the words but she couldn't grasp the implied meaning. She didn't know what to tell him. She didn't know what to think.

Unaffected by her silence Beros continued, hardly able to speak, "Forgive me, please. Forgive me for not wanting to let you go. I…If only I…" His voice broke.

Ataria finally awoke from her state of shock. Beros' clumsy way of apologizing was proof of his will to make his peace with her and she didn't doubt the sincerity of his words.

As if a weight was lifted from her mind Ataria felt the tension leave her body. She didn't trust her voice at this moment so she just wrapped her arms around Beros and returned his hug.

Her gesture of reconciliation was worth a thousand words. She accepted his apology wholeheartedly.

Beros heaved a sigh of relief, looking at her gratefully. For a moment neither of them knew what to say. It was Beros who broke the silence. He cleared his throat, seemingly struggling for words. Then he spoke hesitatingly as if it took him a lot of will power to say the words.

"Go, if you wish it."

Ataria was fully aware of how difficult it was for him to say this. Yet he did it – for her. Overcome with joy she buried her face in his chest and closed her eyes.

"Thank you," she whispered.

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Time flew by and before Gabron, Belan and Ataria knew it the day of parting had come. Driven by joyful expectation Gabron and Ataria had finished the necessary preparations withing a few days time.

Now it was time to say goodbye.

It was at the break of dawn when the last bags were being packed on the horses. Despite the early hour many people had come to the village square and the excitement in the air was almost palpable.

Moved by the expectant and hopeful atmosphere Ataria flung her arms around Jesa's neck, gulping back a sob. Jesa patted her on the back cheerily before she whispered conspiratorially, "Tell your elf I said hello. I expect a full report as soon as you come back. Including all details, of course."

Ataria gave a spontaneous laugh. When Jesa let go of her and stepped back she shook her head in feigned indignation. Jesa grinned cheekily and winked at her.

Next were Merith and Glanra. A feeling of sadness and a guilty conscience stirred within her when she saw the parents of Manara and Glawor approaching her. Memories of her farewell to Manara last night welled up in her, making her swallow hard. Naturally, the girl hadn't yet been able to understand the reason for Ataria's departure. All Manara understood was that Ataria was going to visit the elves. In childlike innocence she had asked her if she could go there, too. It had broken Ataria's heart to have to tell her no. Manara's disappointed face had haunted her dreams this night, making it difficult for her to find any piece of mind.

The warmth in their embrace took away a large part of the oppression she was feeling but it wasn't able to release her from it fully. Trying to smile but failing, Ataria said goodbye to them and turned to face the person standing at her side.

To any bystanders Beros might have appeared calm, composed even, but Ataria knew better. It grieved him to see her go. She could see it in his eyes. But he had to keep his composure, had to stand by the decision that had been made for the benefit of the village. And he did – until Ataria threw herself into his arms. A simple gesture of farewell tried their strength of will to the utmost.

Beros struggled for control. His voice was hoarse, the words so quiet only Ataria could hear them.

"I'm afraid…to lose you, my little Ataria."

Confused due to this confession Ataria paused for a moment.

Why would he say such a thing?

She dismissed the thought and shook her head firmly.

"It's merely a visit. I…we will return soon."

Smiling sadly, Beros took hold of her face and kissed her gently on the forehead. Then he let go of her and stepped back.

The spell was broken and Ataria's joyful mood returned.

A bright smile lighted up her face as she leaped onto Celbrion's back and joined Gabron and Belan, who had already mounted their horses and were waiting for her.

Together with Beros they left the village square, passed through the gate, where they parted company with him, and turned northwards.

Towards Lothlorien.

But before the village disappeared from her sight Ataria stopped her horse and looked back. As she had expected, Beros was still standing at the gate, following them with his eyes.

She raised her hand and waved him goodbye. Then she turned away and rode off.

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Slowly, Beros lowered his arm. Ataria had long since disappeared from view but the words she had spoken to him just before she had passed through the gate weighed heavily on his mind.

So innocent and full of conviction.

You will never lose me.

His words were tinged with sadness as he quietly asked himself, "Then why does it feel like a last farewell?"

Sorry, no elves in this chapter but this sad circumstance is going to change soon. Next stop: Lothlorien.