Stigma
Notes: Find me on Tumblr at spoopercorp and on AO3 as Local_Asshole.
Summary: While Lena gradually recovers from the attack on her gala fundraiser, Kara struggles with guilt and shame. Maggie notices first, the subconscious self-destructive behavior, then Lena does, and then Alex.
WARNING: VIOLENCE.
Bodies.
There were quite a few of them, most squashed into bloodied pancakes and mixed in the confusing disarray of debris and rubble in the aftermath of the bombing.
It was awfully appalling and the distant echoes of crumbling rocks made Lena stir.
The first thing she heard was a cacophony of sounds...of grinding metal, of leftover screams, of sirens. It was much too loud and she found herself wanting to fall asleep again.
I definitely have a concussion.
The first thing she saw when she blinked and cracked her eyes open was not the navy blue night sky lit by the lovely moonlight...it was nearly pitch black and Lena could only assume that she was buried within a pile of what were once stable concrete walls.
The first thing she smelled was blood, its unpleasant iron tinge the first thing she tasted as well.
The first thing she touched was the fine, grounded powder of rock and brick underneath the pads of her fingertips.
Then there was a sharp intake of breath.
What followed was an unbearable pain within her torso and she found herself breathless from it, unable to manage even a whimper or whine as she attempted to sip desperately, pathetically for air.
Lena's breath was shaky as she tested her movement, hacking the dust and smoke from the flames out of her fragile lungs.
Her left arm was intact, but her knuckles protested, the broken bones gritting against each other, her skin, and her muscles.
The Luthor took a deep breath.
Could be worse.
Then she checked her right arm.
All good.
Thank God, I don't even know how I was going to write all the paperwork down for this damage if my right arm didn't cooperate.
She rotated her neck.
Just a bit of an ache.
She tested out her torso, found that there would be plenty of nasty bruises to nurse in the shortcoming future along with her beaten back, but it was something she could handle perfectly fine.
Then her left leg.
Extremely sore...
Lastly, her right leg.
"Fuck!"
Lena released an almost inhuman keen at the phenomenal amount of pain from the right side of her hip and down, the cry echoing in the makeshift cave she was in.
She sweated and heaved, the panting sounds bouncing off the jagged cavernous walls.
The Luthor deduced that from the scarily unstable sounds the structure was making that it would not last much longer and neither would she if it caved in.
Lena struggled for a few seconds to finally sit up from her prone position, but found it immensely more challenging to try and move the heavy weight off of her right leg.
"Oh for fuck's sake," she cursed under her breath, straining her forearms to lift and push the object just enough so she could slide out, "C'mon..."
Lena's arms shook weakly, but she refused to give up, and the metal beams screeched and groaned and whined at the feeble movement.
Up, up, up...
Then the concrete crumbled and something snapped, and the slab she was trying to move flattened down even farther, its weight now completely impossible for a human to move.
Lena screamed, "Shit!"
Her voice was hoarse and croaky when she felt something impale her leg.
Her head swam, vision beginning to fade with little black splotches covering her line of sight.
She refused to succumb and craned her neck and noticed white bone protruding from her thigh.
Compound fracture in my femur. Just my luck.
The Luthor futilely banged and slammed her fist on the weight, yelling in frustration, "Fuck! C'mon!"
She felt tears stinging her eyes as she dropped back to lay down, clutching her leg to stem a minuscule part of the bleeding, opting to pathetically call out.
But her voice was strained, hoarse and weak, "Help! Please!"
She paused.
"I can't move! My leg's broken! I'm pinned and bleeding out!"
Another pause.
"Please..."
"Lena?"
A light of the moon came from above in the Luthor's peripheral vision, but she recognized the voice, though it sounded laced with immense worry, like the owner had been bawling their eyes out.
The raven-haired woman chuckled, out of place for the situation she was in, "What the hell took you so long? Did you not hear me the last few times?"
Supergirl awkwardly flew down next to her friend, staggered her landing, smiling with relief, "Shut up you dummy."
Then she glanced at the weight pinning the woman down.
"Lena, all my powers and abilities are pretty weak from the kryptonite, but I think I can move this thing over. Give me a few minutes."
The C.E.O. was only able to return a groggy nod as a response, then gritted her teeth as she felt the slab's weight lift, her blood gushing out even more alarmingly.
Kara let out an elongated grunt and managed to flip the rock over.
Suddenly, a section of the echoing space caved in, the hero quick to cover Lena with her own body, the heavy weight of the building pressed onto her shoulders.
The Luthor released a high pitched whine of pain when she felt Kara slightly pressing onto her battered leg as she was struggling to maintain the slab on her shoulders.
Lena could see the hero shaking violently under the weight, the kryptonite still weakened her long after exposure.
Blood began to run down the girl of steel's face, her neck, her shoulders, as time went on.
"Kara, you need to get out of here, forget me."
The Kryptonian's eyes widened, "Forget you? That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard. Ever. And you're supposed to be a genius C.E.O."
"Worse than that time you decided to eat probably a thousand bowls of ice cream? I had a brain freeze just watching you."
Kara rolled her eyes and ignored her, tapped into her hidden inner strength and channeled it through her arms, and with a scream, she lifted and tossed the slab over.
"Or you could do that," Lena commented nonchalantly, "That works too."
Kara's eyes momentarily widened at her friend's mangled leg before she averted her gaze and swallowed thickly.
"I don't think I want to look now," Lena breathed out, somewhat amused, feeling the blood loss slowing her mind, "My guests, my employees, did you...did you save them?"
The blonde looked away in shame, "Most of them..."
The Luthor frowned, nodded in understanding, her eyes unfocused and threatening to droop closed, "You can't save everyone."
Kara nodded back, "I know..." she held Lena's cold hand, let the heat of her palms thaw the icy fingers within her own, "But I can save you. Now, let's get out of here."
"The majority of her injuries are bruises; ribs, back, head... However," the doctor sighed, glancing at her sleeping patient, "There are more concerning ones such as the concussion and broken knuckles she sustained. Then there's her leg, a compound fracture with her femur and part of her skin's torn from the fall."
Kara winced and shook her head, forcing the memory of losing her balance mid-flight and dropping her friend several feet to the ground. Instead, she shuffled her feet, watching as the dried blood crusted on her hands flaked off slowly.
Lena's blood.
The hero could feel it under her nails.
Kara shivered and took a deep breath.
"She'll be fine, Supergirl," the doctor informed, softer, "With our accelerative technology she should be healed in no time, since it's not safe for her to remain at a public hospital. The D.E.O. has top of the line equipment and very qualified people working in the medical bay if I do say so myself."
The blonde shivered, rested her head onto her palms, not reassured in the slightest bit, "There are agents here. Agents that aren't very fond of the Luthor family. Agents that could-"
"Not on my watch," the doctor frowned, "She's my patient, and I'm sure Agent Danvers won't want any harm to come to her either."
A comforted smile played on the edge of Kara's lips, "Thanks, Dr. Hamilton."
The woman nodded, "Of course, Kara," then walked off to attend to the rest of the injured.
Another smile tugged at the corner of the blonde's lips again.
"Does everyone here know your other identity?" came a raspy voice, "So much for the secret part of it. Not that it's difficult to figure out with those ridiculous glasses."
Kara chuckled, "Hey, nobody else knows, I'd say they're ridiculous in its effectiveness."
She seated herself closer to the raven-haired woman, "And no. Hamilton is my personal doctor here at the D.E.O., so she has all of my files; helps make her job easier, you know?"
The Kryptonian sighed after a moment of silence, "How are you f-"
"I'm fi-" she began to interrupt.
But Kara cut her off with a stern look, "If you're going to say what I think you're going to say then don't bother finishing that sentence."
The Luthor pressed her lips shut, then opened them again, her voice croaky, "Awful. I feel awful. What about you?"
Lena's eyes roamed over the Kryptonian's soot covered body, taking in the shallow cuts that decorated the front. Though her backside was probably worse, but the bleeding probably stopped at this point thankfully.
The blonde smiled tenderly, delicately held Lena's unbroken hand, traced her thumb in circles over the porcelain skin, "Better now that I know you'll be okay."
"What the hell was that, Kara?" Alex shouted, tailing her little sister into her apartment with Maggie, "You were reckless! You almost got yourself killed along with a few civilians!"
"Well I didn't, so there! Now leave!" the blonde retorted, moving to close the door.
The aperture refused to shut when Maggie shoved a boot between the opening and gave the hero a reprimanding look.
Kara cracked under the pressure and threw her arms in the air, "Fine! Whatever!"
The detective motioned for Alex to leave.
"What?"
"You're both angry at each other, I don't think it's a good idea for you two to be in the same room right now."
"We're sisters, we'll talk this through like we always do," the agent argued.
"Just let me handle this one."
Alex folded her arms and tapped her fingers, "Alright, but if she breaks another door you're paying for it this time.
"'Kay, babe," Maggie pecked her girlfriend on the cheek and left quietly.
The detective creaked the entrance open and found Kara, in her puppy jammies, plopped face first onto her couch, arm dangling from the end.
She patted the blonde's back and received a shrug and muffled protest in return.
"Just go."
The brunette sighed, patted her again, "C'mon, get up and move over so I can sit."
Kara reluctantly did so, pouting the entire journey.
"Hey, turn that frown upside down, kiddo. What's wrong?"
The blonde took a small pillow from the corner of her couch and set it on her lap, squished and flipped the object intermittently.
"I'll wait as long as you need me to wait," Maggie grinned, leaning back against the cushions, hands behind her head as she moved into a more comfortable position.
"There's nothing wrong."
"Uh huh. Right," the brunette smirked, "I'm a detective, Kar. You know what that means?"
"That you detect, I got it," the blonde muttered back.
Maggie sighed, "That catchphrase never gets old."
The Kryptonian rolled her eyes.
"Speaking of," she continued, "That's not the only reason why I think something's wrong. I know you Kara, we've known each other for, like, ten years since you were in high school. Alex knows something's wrong. It's pretty obvious when it is."
"Obvious how?" the blonde murmured, plucking the corners of the pillow on her thighs.
"Well, for one, you were really reckless today," Maggie explained, "You've slowly gotten more...brash...and careless. We all know you're pretty daring, but it's been different recently, ever since the gala."
Kara stiffened, muscles tensed as the detective continued.
"Alex is pretty unsure, but she thinks it's just stress from the gala," she paused, "From Lena."
The blonde's eyes widened, "I-"
Maggie held a finger up, silencing Kara, "Let me finish."
She sighed, "I think it runs a bit deeper than that," then her voice dropped, "Alex and I, we both know what a stressed Kara Danvers does, and this isn't it; it's close, but no. Your big sister probably doesn't want it to be anything other than stress 'cause she hasn't dealt with anything like this before."
"Like what?" the blonde whispered.
Maggie sighed again, ran her fingers through her hair, "What you've been exhibiting recently...hopefully I'm wrong, but it's...it's almost self-destructive and it's scaring me and Alex to death."
Kara's lips pursed into a frown, silently reviewing everything she had done and thought lately.
The detective smiled, cautious, but genuine, "Something's been bothering you, for a long time, and it's eating you from the inside out. Maybe I'm wrong, but-"
"You're not."
Maggie's eyes bulged in shock, "What?"
"You're not wrong," Kara admitted, nodding her head slowly and smoothing her palm over the pillow.
"So what is it?"
She hesitated, "It's Lena."
The detective nodded in understanding, recalling the fact that Kara had been avoiding her as of late, even after she was released almost a month ago.
Maggie noted that she would have to check up on her later.
"I could've...I could've prevented her from getting hurt. If I'd only," her voice broke and she was on the verge of tears, "If I'd only held onto her tighter she wouldn't have fallen and-"
"You were weakened, none of it's your faul-"
"But it is!" Kara shouted, flipping the pillow over and pacing around her apartment in tears, "I dropped her, Mags! She could've died because of me! She actually almost died because of me! And..." she swallowed a lump in her throat, "Sh-she...she jumped because of me!"
Maggie's eyes widened as she realized the problem had accumulated from Lena's suicide attempt back in high school.
Only now had it manifested itself.
Her expression softened when Kara's words faltered as she choked back a sob, refusing to cry out her sadness. Instead, she slid down against the wall opposite from the brunette and pulled her knees against her chest as she shook.
Maggie sat down next to her, let her head loll onto her shoulder as the sobs began to wrack her body.
And for the first time ever, she was at a loss for words and worried that once Alex figured things out that she would not know what to say either.
She held out hope for Lena, that the brilliant C.E.O. would ease the source of Kara's suffering...eventually.
The Luthor huffed when she checked her phone's notifications panel again, or lack of notifications, at least from the person she wanted to talk to.
Lena was understanding, especially when it came to space, especially if her favorite blonde said that she needed it.
But not knowing why frustrated her immensely.
And it had been around a month of silence.
Granted, at first, she thought it was due to the rise in crime within National City, but they were petty, they were not alien threats or the ever elusive Cadmus organization.
It was past midnight and Lena was still at work, as usual, no perky text with a million emojis to tell her to try and go leave early and get a good night's rest.
It was not like Kara would even contact her, not at this time.
The Luthor was proven wrong when her phone rang, startling her from her thoughts as she eagerly picked up, "Kara?"
Another feminine voice answered instead, "Actually, no."
Lena bristled, "Who the hell are you and why are you on my friend's phone?"
"Calm down, your friend's passed out at my place. Just need you to pick her up and your contact page was open, so-"
"Your place?" the Luthor repeated, feeling jealousy leaking out of the pores of her skin.
"Oh, no, it's not like that," the woman on the phone chuckled, "I'm Megan, I run a bar and Kara's sort of passed out."
"Text me the address. I'll be there soon," Lena said, then hung up, her curiosity as to how Kara could actually get drunk shoved down for later.
M'gann was shocked when the woman arrived not even twenty minutes after their call, slightly limping her way over, her leg still not yet fully healed.
She nudged the sleeping blonde on her bar, "Hey, Kara, your friend Lena's here to take you home."
The Kryptonian gasped, "Shhh! I'm avoiding her!" she darted her head side to side, which was a mistake and increased her headache, "I need to hide! You can't let her find me!"
She slunk below the bar and used the stool to hide her body, whispering, "I was never here..."
Lena crossed her arms and tapped her foot impatiently, giving M'gann a questioning look, who shrugged.
"Couldn't let my new worker take her home," she pointed at Mon-El passed out on the other side of the bar as well.
The raven-haired woman shook her head and sighed, locking her gaze at Kara, who snapped her head frantically side to side so fast she did not register the very woman she was avoiding to be right in front of her.
Lena cleared her throat, "Ahem."
Kara froze and squeaked, squinting her eyes so that her triple vision focused, or ebbed into doubles, "Lena!"
"Correct."
The blonde grumbled and pounded the bar table above, "I told you that I was never here, M'gann!"
"Maybe you'll actually be stealthy when you're not drunk!" the bartender shouted from the other end.
Kara gasped, offended, "I can totally be stealthy!"
She bolted upright, sending a chunk of the bar table flying.
"Oops," she hiccuped.
The blonde waddled over to where the object landed and attempted to piece it back to where it belonged. Eventually, she got frustrated and jammed it in, causing the area to crumble and develop cracks.
But it was lodged awkwardly in there and that was all Kara needed, grinning proudly, "I fixed it!"
M'gann's mouth was agape as Lena dragged the blonde out.
"Don't worry!" the Luthor shouted, eager to leave the alien bar, "I'll pay for it!"
The C.E.O. immediately regretted not asking for help, struggling to get a drunk and toppling Kryptonian into her vehicle.
"Stay still you idiot!" she groaned.
Kara giggled, "Don't call me an idiot you dummy!"
Lena rolled her eyes, "Just get in the goddamn car and I'll drive you home."
The blonde stiffened, "Wait."
"What is it?" the Luthor asked, suddenly worried.
Until her friend vomited alcohol all over her blouse.
"Seriously, Kara?"
The drunk giggled again, "I guess that's to get back at you for last time."
The blonde frowned then, recalling when she found a crying Lena drunk and hurting out in the woods near her mansion.
"I...I'll just walk home."
Lena noticed the sudden change in mood and chased after her friend, "Wait, Kar-"
She stumbled back when the Kryptonian spun around, leaving her arms relaxed as they casually swung with the momentum and smashed the corner of a building.
The Luthor exhaled in relief, thankful that the blonde was drunk and that she herself was mentally intact, though she grimaced when her healing leg twisted into an uncomfortable position when she attempted to evade earlier.
"Just please get in the car."
Kara pondered for a second, then grinned, "Well, since you asked so nicely."
Lena groaned, endeared and annoyed by the cute blonde simultaneously, though more endeared.
Not that she would let that show; it would destroy her regal and professional reputation, even if Kara would not remember the next day.
"Stop being so childish and get in the car."
The Kryptonian crawled into the passenger seat while Lena sat herself behind the wheel, slowly driving out of the parking lot.
The Luthor yelped when she was jerked over, her entire right arm suddenly engulfed in warmth.
"What are you doing now?" she asked, a hint of a whine in her tone.
"Cuddling," Kara answered nonchalantly.
The Luthor rolled her eyes, "You can cuddle all you want when I get you back to your apartment."
The blonde frowned and pouted, "But you'll just leave, and pillows aren't the same."
"I'm not a...cuddler," Lena ground out, cringing at the word and the idea of intimacy.
"Oh, but you will be, everyone loves to cuddle with me!"
The Luthor did not bother arguing nor to pull her hand away, not that she could with the Kryptonian's vice grip, but it was more that she did not want to upset her friend.
The pair staggered up the stairs and stood outside of Kara's apartment.
The blonde fished out her keys, nearly losing balance several times before she slide the patterned metal into the keyhole.
Only it missed, and the Kryptonian huffed, missing again.
She growled in frustration and began to jam the key with great inaccuracy, tearing holes into her door and splintering the wood.
She tilted her head angrily, "The doorknob keeps moving!"
"Kara, just let me do it," Lena whispered harshly, "Before you wake the entire floor up with this ruckus and they see how wrecked your entrance is."
The Luthor swiped the key from the Kryptonian's hands and unlocked the aperture with ease, swinging it wide open.
They stumbled into the dark apartment, into Kara's room as Lena gently laid her onto the bed, pulling the covers over her body.
"I'll be back to check in on you tomorrow."
"No! Stay!"
Lena flinched at what sounded like a commanding protest.
Kara stood up hastily and tackled the Luthor into a bear hug, toppling them over onto the floor.
"Woah!" the C.E.O. squeaked in surprise, then she growled, "Kara-"
Her sentence faltered when her eyes connected to a pair of infinitely blue ones, pleading and shining even in the dark of the room.
"Fine," she mumbled, relenting.
Kara sighed in content and beamed, "It's pretty comfortable here."
She buried herself in the crook of Lena's neck, wrapped an arm over her shoulder, and placed her leg over her hips, entrapping the Luthor into a very intimate position.
She clung onto her like her life depended on it, grumbling whenever Lena attempted to wiggle and shimmy out of the hold.
Eventually, she gave up and settled into the touch, relaxing as she hesitantly wrapped an arm around Kara, a blush creeping up her neck and into her cheeks as their legs began to tangle more and more.
Lena had a small smile plastered onto her face when she looked down at a now softly snoring blonde sprawled on top of her, hair messed, lips in a lopsided grin, and glasses askew atop her nose.
Her heart throbbed painfully with the love and adoration she held for Kara, and she thought that the aching and soreness come morning from spending the night on the floor would be worth it.
For the first time since Lena could remember, Kara's close proximity did not instill fear in the back of her mind as she drifted off to sleep.
The blonde yawned, stirred when she felt a body in her arms move.
She blinked her eyes open owlishly, squinting as her pupils adjusted to the light that poured through her window blinds.
Kara tensed when she met a pair of familiar emerald eyes.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," Lena whispered, "I just...I have work soon and I haven't changed out of my vomit clothes and-"
Kara squawked, her back suddenly pressed against the wall on the other side of the room as the memories of the night before came rushing back to her.
"Oh, Rao! I-I'm so, so, so sorry about yesterday..."
But Lena was not even listening to the rambling, sitting up and stretching her aching and sore muscles out before she stood on shaky legs.
"It's fine, I was happy to help," she paused, "Do you remember what you said when I first came to pick you up?"
Kara braced for the onslaught, the flood of memories to attack her again, but it did not.
"Oh no, what'd I say?"
Lena's brows furrowed as her features saddened, and Kara could not help but gawk, and think how beautiful she was framed by the sunlight, her sharp and angular features somewhat dulled; dulled into something more approachable and less intimidating and lonely.
Lena smiled softly, though it was vacant of joy and happiness, "I was wondering if something was wrong. You wouldn't talk to me, didn't for almost a month before this. You said..." she sighed, "You said you were trying to avoid me the entire time."
Kara's jaw dropped, her mouth agape, then she clenched it shut and rubbed her temples, "I'm so sorry, Lena, I swear I didn't-"
"That you didn't mean to say it?" she finished, her voice melancholic and sardonic at the same time.
"I was hoping all of - just, you know, that they'd go away..." Kara mumbled incoherently with awkward hand gestures.
Lena's cynical mask fell, "Let's talk about this when I don't smell like vomit."
The blonde nodded furiously, "Of course, I have some spare formal clothes; I'll leave them out for you to clean up. Sorry about that..."
She rubbed the nape of her neck sheepishly as Lena walked into the bathroom.
Kara nervously drummed her fingers on the dining table.
A minute of silence. Or two. Or three. She lost count.
She gulped loudly, unable to form into what she considered were the right words.
Lena sighed, breaking the silence first, "I watched your most recent battle with...with Parasite I think they called it."
Kara's rhythmic tapping halted, "Uhhh..."
The C.E.O. frowned, "Did you realize how reckless you were being? With spontaneously retrieving a very radioactive element? In the palm of your hands?"
The blonde returned the expression, "I...no...not at the time..."
Lena's voice rose in volume, her fingers scrunched into her soggy showered hair, "What, you were just going to wing it and pray that your plan wouldn't incinerate you or the area around your battle within a three mile radius?"
Lena sighed again, shoulders relaxing a bit more, "It could've hurt you, you could've died. I thought," she cleared her throat, armoring her voice with steel again, "I thought you were stressed, with all that happened at the gala."
Kara nodded.
"I'm sure that was a pretty good chunk of the reason why you were acting so...odd lately."
"Odd?" the blonde repeated.
Lena nodded solemnly, "Destructive. To yourself. To others. Like you don't take into consideration the consequences of your actions, which is so unlike you. I don't know how to explain it, but you've been more reckless, that's it."
Kara frowned, avoided Lena's gaze and swallowed the lump in her throat, "Maggie...she said the same thing too."
"And it's because of me?"
The blonde flinched at the amount of self-deprecation and hatred laced in Lena's sentence.
Kara released a sound that was between a groan and a sigh, burying her face into the palms of her hands.
"I don't - I can't talk about it with you."
Kara winced at the hurt that flashed across Lena's eyes and quickly went to try and amend the situation, "At least not right now..."
The Luthor blanched, her ghostly alabaster skin suddenly paler, and quickly gathered her things.
Kara's eyes saddened.
Please, don't go...
"I'm sorry..." she whispered instead.
Lena paused, her hand on the knob, but she refused to look back and opened the door.
She was met with a familiar pair of brown eyes, widened slightly at her unexpected appearance.
"Lena?"
Alex was somewhat startled by the wetness that was developing in the usually professional, enigmatic C.E.O.'s green eyes, almost as wet as her dripping raven locks.
Lena blinked, let a single tear fall, but refused to sniffle in front of anyone.
Alex grew uncomfortable with the encounter and chuckled nervously, "Why're you h-"
The Luthor cut the agent off when she slid past her, heels clicking down the hallway as she made her escape.
Alex glanced inside to where her little sister was watching with sad eyes, then back to where Lena left, then back again.
The agent pointed at the direction where Kara's visitor had made her way out, "Want to explain that?"
And suddenly the blonde's tears poured out, fluid and steady as she sobbed quietly, confessing in broken and chopped up sentences.
"I'm scared. I...have nightmares about her, about when she jumped. Not as much as I used to, but whenever I do they're just so intense that...I always have make sure she's okay - I need to make sure she's okay - fly to her house, you know? Be there to catch her, be there for that one time I wasn't. And I'm afraid that no matter what I do she'll still think of me as a monster, the one that made her jump."
Kara wiped away the red and the tears under her glasses, but her despair only replaced them with twice the amount before.
"It's become more of a habit since the gala. I almost didn't save her. I dropped her. She almost died again because of me. I just. I can't rest or sleep at night knowing that Lena can take her own life whenever she wants to...and then I feel awful for selfishly invading her privacy and I just..."
Kara was so distraught that she did not even notice her older sister's arms wrapped tightly around her.
And Alex was terrified too, that she couldn't find any words to soothe Kara's strife.
Notes: Constructive criticism appreciated.