Author's Note: This chapter has NCIS LA Season 2 Episodes 9 & 10 reference to it.

Thank you! :)

Chapter 11

"Can you tell me what are they?"

Deeks felt her reluctance for a moment.

Kensi put her spoon down on the pint cover resting on the center table before propping her hands over her lap. Staring at her fingers, she begun. "M-My father died when I was 15. He was all I had since my mom left us when I was 4. He was a Marine. A brave one, Deeks." Glancing at him, he could see in her eyes how proud she was of her father.

Returning her sight on her lap, she continued. "He taught me different things like fixing cars, shooting, track and even how to wire a house. You know, things a father would normally teach a son. He taught me how to survive. He was my best friend, the person I trusted the most. For years, it was only him and me. W-When he died, I kind of l-lost it."

Deeks' heart broke seeing her attempt to hold her tears back. "Kensi," He wanted her to stop, sensing her reminiscing was breaking her. He wanted to tell her she didn't need to relive that particular moment.

She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. "They say it was dissociative fugue. Have you heard of it?"

Having no idea what it was she was talking about, he shook his head no.

With his reply, she went on. "The doctors who ran series of tests on me said I suffered from dissociative fugue. They told me it was because I was too upset of my father's death that I wandered. I still can't recall what exactly happened. That last thing I remember is spending the night alone at home after my dad's funeral. Mrs. Williams, the social worker who was assigned to handle my case, was determined to contact my mother to take me in since I was a minor that time. When Mrs. Williams came by the house the next morning and didn't find me, she thought I ran away because I didn't want to go with my mom."

A rueful smile spread across her face. "Maybe I did. Maybe I did run away, Deeks. I never knew Julia, my mother. She was a stranger to me. I never saw her again after she left me and dad. Last I heard, she's in Boston living with a family of her own. My grandparents were dead and my only uncle died in a car accident years prior to my father's death. I don't know any from Julia's side of the family. You see, it was just me and my father. I don't have anyone aside from him. So maybe Mrs. Williams was right. Maybe I ran away."

He tried not to stare at her as she wiped away the tears that stubbornly escaped her eyes. Deeks could feel her pain. It had always been that way between them. Whenever she was suffering, it was as if he was aching with her. This time it was no different for every tear that fell on her cheeks felt like a dagger jabbed to his chest.

"But the weird thing was, I don't remember leaving my home. That house is my haven, my shelter. I... I don't think I would leave it. My father wouldn't want me to, I know that."

Her gaze moved from him to the TV but he knew she wasn't really watching. She had a faraway look on her face.

"When I was finally aware of what was happening, I found myself standing outside of a store in a town I don't know. I panicked and hopped in a bus I caught my eyes on first. It brought me to Seattle and from there I rode a train to San Diego. I was grateful that I found money in my pocket because I was able to go home."

"Y-You don't remember what you were doing in that t-town?" He asked with bated breath and silently took in her response.

Kensi shook her head sadly and Deeks' shoulders sagged.

"My mind was in a jumble that time. I can't even name the town I was in. No matter how hard I tried to remember anything, I can't. I went for every known procedure that could make me recover the memories I lost but with no positive result."

There was frustration in her voice, he sensed.

"6 months, Deeks. I lost 6 months of my life. Who does that?"

Turning to him, Deeks noticed the different emotions reflecting from her eyes.

"When I arrived home, I found out that half a year had passed since my father's funeral. It sent me in chaos. I felt hopeless and alone. I missed my father. A friend of my dad took me in. His family became my foster family. They helped me with everything and I am forever thankful that they were there for me. I couldn't imagine how different my life would have been if it weren't for them. But the questions of what had I been doing, where did I stay or what kind of life I lived in the months that I disappeared still linger. I-I don't know if I am going to remember any of it or if I even want to."

He felt his world shattered learning how she considered not wanting to recall her life in Redford. "Y-You don't want to remember?"

"I don't know, Deeks." She was doubtful. "What if I did terrible things during those missing months? What if I hurt people? What if I committed crimes? What if I-"

"What if it's the opposite, Kensi?" He interrupted, turning his body sideways to face her. "What if you have been a great person to the people you can't recall? What if you brought joy to them? What if their lives are never the same since you left them? What if until now, you are still in their mind, thinking, wondering what happened to you?"

"W-What do you mean?"

"You said so yourself that in panic, you boarded a bus and never looked back. I-I just thought that maybe there were people who waited for you when you left. Maybe you've become part of someone else's lives. It's a possibility, don't you think?"

She pondered over his words for a moment. "I-I'm afraid, Deeks." She admitted, whispering.

He looked at her downcast form.

"I'm thinking maybe there's a reason why my mind can't recall what happened to me. For years, I let myself believe that not remembering is the best for me. Maybe it's really not but what choice do I have? Who would answer my questions? Who has the missing pieces in the incomplete puzzle called 'my life'?"

"What if you can have the answers you're looking for?"

That night while lying on her bed, Kensi was restless. The question Deeks asked of her still ran in her mind.

"What if you can have the answers you're looking for?" He questioned her. But she was sensing that he wasn't just asking her. Between those simple words was an offer, she deemed.

She had never considered herself as a coward. Raised by a Marine father, Kensi was trained to face every obstacle head on. Donald made sure she would grow up to be a strong and brave individual. That was the reason he taught her how to be enduring.

But the exact moment Deeks uttered his question, she retreated. She didn't know if, after all these years, she was prepared to unravel the mystery of her 6-month memory loss. Maybe she really is a coward, she thought as she closed her eyes and let herself succumb to sleep.

She's afraid, Deeks mulled as he laid his body on his bed. His mind was in his partner and the silence that filled the room after he asked her what was she was going to do if she could have her missing memory back.

If her response was positive, he would reveal himself to her right there and then. He would be happy to fill her in all the details of her life as 'Belle'. He would disclose everything about her stay in Redford. But she didn't reply and the quietness was enough to let Deeks know she wasn't ready.

He couldn't blame her. Kensi had lived the past 12 years of her life wondering from time to time about her memory loss. He knew the feeling because like her, he spent the same number of years with inquiries about her in his mind.

She was right, Deeks agreed. The questions didn't disappear, they stayed. With that, he was hoping when she found herself ready for the answers, she would seek him.

He closed his eyes and was pulled into slumber not long after.

"I'll have her back." Deeks uttered from his seat at the back of his partner's Cadillac, parked outside the Certified National Bank in downtown LA.

The team's plan was simple: Callen will pose as Renner's attorney, who is authorized to access his safety deposit box, and retrieve a black book they were convinced was hidden inside. But it was abruptly changed with the addition of CIA and the Russian military intelligence who was filmed shooting a police officer that morning, both wanting the same thing.

The case they were working today started yesterday when they got a person of interest alert flagged by Hetty.

Yesterday morning the team were called in the office earlier than usual when the name Sebastian Renner popped up on the police report. He was a Swiss antiques dealer who was found murdered near the Hollywood sign. They worked his case the entire day yesterday and found out that he was also a known black marketeer. Renner specialized in weapons, salvaged and stolen, following the break-up of the Soviet Union. He used his antiques dealership as a front for brokering some major arms dealer. Hetty disclosed that their victim had a little black book of weapon buyers and sellers and their priority was to find that book more than to catch his killer. Their boss believed that every spook and his brother would be looking for that intel that was why they have to find it first.

What they thought to be a simple case of searching for a little black book turned out to be a complicated one. Digging more, they discovered that the Intel they were after for was actually a book that belonged to a man named Bernstrom Kohl or Branston Cole, the name he used while living in the US.

Cole was an East German spy who took asylum in the West. Apparently, he had a little black book that contains three decades of Cold War treachery, names of spies, identities of sleeper agents and traitors from a dozen different countries. People believed that it has the power to bring down governments. He traded the information to Renner as a safe passage to the West.

Interviewing the German spy, Callen theorized that it was Hetty who put Cole into an assisted living facility as her husband after shooting him that led to his stroke and blindness so she could keep working him for information but she had never been successful.

The day ended yesterday with the arrest of Matthias Draeger, a former German Spy who knew Hetty from before. Like many other agencies, Matthias came to Los Angeles in search of the coveted black book. He tried to shoot Hetty but was injured by Sam who shot him on his arm. With still the missing Intel, the case was left open. FBI and NSA were brought up to round up the rest of the foreign operatives still lurking around.

The team went home last night tired from the day's events. None of them had an idea what tomorrow would bring.

Deeks' morning began with jogging around his neighborhood with Monty in tow. Spending all his focus on the case yesterday, his conversation with Kensi the other night when she came to him with a pint of her favorite ice cream was never brought up. But now as he was doing his morning exercise, his thoughts flew to his partner. From the casual way she acted yesterday, he discerned that their previous chat was now a closed book. She never gave a sign that she wanted to continue what they talked about that night and he had to respect that.

It was apparent that what she opened up to him about her condition while sharing the frozen dessert and watching her favorite TV show was not something she was used to disclose so easily. Except for Hetty who obviously knew, Deeks even wondered if her teammates were knowledgeable about her Dissociative Fugue. Maybe not, he thought.

Thinking more of her, the Kensi he knew now was very different from the spirited teenage girl he met when she was 15 and he was 18, he realized. Upon learning the tragic events of her past, Deeks tracked down the year and months she spent with him in Redford and was now aware of her true age during her 6-month stay with him and his family. She had changed, he noted. There was an invisible wall surrounding her now. Maybe it was because of what she went through in her younger years or maybe it was a defense mechanism in her part to protect herself. But whatever reason she had, Deeks understood. He was hoping that time will come when she could let him in. He wanted to be a part of her life just like before and he would do anything to make it happen.

With that thought in mind, he moved himself back to his house.

"I'll have her back."

Deeks listened to the new plan Callen was discussing with Kensi and watched as she hurriedly paced towards the entrance of the bank with Matthias following her. Sam exited the vehicle and he moved to sit behind the wheel and wait for Kensi's return.

That morning, the team discovered Cole's death, along with his nurse and the guard on duty, inside the facility where he was staying. Recognizing the people who killed Cole as Russian military intelligence, the hunt for his black book was declared as the motive for his murder.

Uncovering more of their yesterday's victim's life, Eric discovered Renner's hidden bank account that has a safety deposit box attached in it while Nell found its key. A plan was easily formulated with Callen entering the bank while Sam, Kensi and him will be just outside providing back up. But as soon as they parked their vehicles near the entrance of the building, they noticed several Russian intelligence waiting for them. Callen received a phone call warning him not to move from his position as a laser was pointed to his chest from a shooter above the building. He was told to give them the book or he will die.

Seconds later, Hetty received a call from Matthias who is now working for the CIA instructing her that one of the agents would be joining Callen in his car and when NCIS gets the book, they have to hand it over to him.

With the circumstances they were in, Callen was forced to develop a new plan and it now involves Kensi entering the bank, checking the safety deposit boxes and exiting while pretending she has the book to bait the Russians. Meanwhile, Sam will pretend as Renner's attorney and check the box for the book.

Seeing Kensi rushed towards the exit with the Russian behind her, he readied the vehicle and waited until she climbed inside before quickly driving them away. Deeks immediately saw a car chasing them and with expertise, he maneuvered Kensi's vehicle ending up with the car pursuing them crashing into a garbage truck.

Thinking everything was over, he turned to Kensi. "You wanna get some ice cream?"

"Deeks! Look out!"

Surprised to see another car pulled out in their front, Deeks brought the vehicle to a screeching halt. In seconds, the partners were standing outside with their guns pointed to the three Russians who had their weapons drawn towards them.

"Give us the book." The man in the center, the leader perhaps, demanded, his eyes focused on Kensi.

"We don't have it."

"Purse."

Warily, she retrieved her bag and threw it to the other man. He wasted no time searching for the book inside. Unsuccessful with his quest, he dumped it and its content on the ground.

"Told you." Kensi said, a smirk was on her lips.

Same smirk spread across the leader's face and it brought Deeks unknown fear.

"Then get in the car."

Deeks shook his head 'no', immediate anger coursed through him realizing the enemy's intent. "No. She's not going anywhere." He tightened his grip on his gun.

"Then four of us die and one of us lives."

Subtly, he studied the situation. There were three bad guys with their weapons pointing between him and Kensi. 3 versus 2. All armed. All trained how to shoot and kill. Statistics and numbers were not in their favor at the moment, Deeks deduced.

"He's got a point." He mumbled. "All right, take me."

"Deeks?"

He heard surprised in Kensi's voice but he had already made up his mind. If these men were going to take one of them, he was making sure it was him. "She's just a cop. She's not even an agent. Tell you the truth, no one really even likes her that much. Too pretty for her own good, kind of a snob."

Deeks knew he was babbling and wished it was working. He was buying seconds until back up arrives. He can hear from the comm link in his ear that Callen and Sam were on their way.

"Get in the car." The leader ordered. His patience was wearing thin, Deeks knew from the tightness of his voice.

"Kensi, don't move."

Deeks saw her lowered her gun down and he started to panic.

"Nice try, Deeks." She said, throwing her weapon inside the car.

"Kensi."

She closed the passenger door and took a step towards the bad guys. Turning to him, she said. "It's okay. You'll get me back."

Deeks' heart tightened at her words. They were softly spoken yet full of confidence. It was like she knew he'll do anything to have her back and she wasn't wrong. He'll get her back, he silently vowed. Helplessly, he watched as the leader grabbed Kensi's upper arm and dragged her towards their car.

"Tell your superior, her life for the book."

"Oh, yeah? How do you know I'm not the superior? I could be." He answered back as the men hopped in the car following his partner. "Kensi?" He called her one last time. "Damn it." He cursed as one of the three blew his vehicle's wheels. "Eric, I got a license plate for you. It's nine, queen, John, Ida, nine, zero, five." He said over the comm link.

Deeks heard a car pulled over behind him and knew it was Callen and Sam. With his eyes not leaving the street where the Russians passed through moments ago, he informed them. "They got Kensi."

"This is all my fault." He voiced out. His eyes glued to the big screen in front of him, a live video feed of Kensi standing still inside an unidentifiable room was playing for the entire team to see.

Callen was quick to negate his words. "No. My plan, my fault." He left the room following Hetty without further words.

Minutes ago, they arrived at the bullpen with hurried steps and was welcomed by Nell informing them of an anonymous caller phoning a website to the Navy Yard in D.C. who forwarded Eric the link. The untraceable website was showing the NCIS of Kensi alive and unharmed.

Although relief spread through him upon seeing her unhurt, Deeks couldn't deny the ache that formed in his chest while looking at her helplessly on the screen. He was berating himself for not doing enough to protect her. Kensi was in the hands of the enemy because he let it happen and he hated himself for it.

Deeks exited Ops Center, no longer able to watch her suffer alone, and found himself at the building's rooftop.

While Hetty and Callen were talking downstairs, the rest of the team continued to monitor Kensi. They started to wonder why she wasn't moving nor making attempt to find a way to escape when it had been a couple of hours and she remained in her position.

"She's waiting," he told them of his hunch while readying his gun. "for us." He wanted to add 'for me' in his sentence but opted not to.

Deeks knew she was waiting for him to get her back. Those were her last words before she was taken. And it was killing him because he couldn't do anything. They do not have the bloody black book those Russians wanted. It wasn't in Renner's safety deposit box. Sam left the bank empty handed.

Agitated, he ran his hand through his hair and blew out an exhale.

"Mr. Deeks."

He turned and saw Hetty striding towards him. "Hetty,"

"We're going to give the Russians what they want and we're going to get back Miss Blye."

"I-I can't lose her again. I-I just found her." He didn't care if he sounded weak in front of her. The older woman had to know how important Kensi was in his life. "A couple of nights ago she trusted me enough to tell me what happened to her. I could tell it wasn't easy for her to do that but she did. And today she trusted me that I'll have her back. I can't break her trust."

Hetty's voice was reassuring when she spoke. "You'll have her back, Mr. Deeks."

"How?"

"Are you sure?"

He wasnt. "No." But his outstretched hands were as steady as a rock. Deeks put her image, in his front and bent forward, and its surprising effect in him at the back of his mind. Now was not the time to think how Kensi looked like trying to avoid the laser beams that will trigger the explosion of the bombs in the room once touched. The sight of her evading the beams was doing something in him, something he didn't want to peruse at that place and moment, or ever if possible.

30 minutes ago, a contact was made by the Russians who were holding his partner. They posted the where and when the exchange will take place at the website where her live video was feeding. Cole's black book for Kensi's life in half an hour at LA Memorial Coliseum, the post said.

Nell was able to provide the team of a small book with Cold War's information to hand over to the Russians in exchange for Kensi. If the foreign men were foolish enough to accept the book and Deeks was able to convince them of its genuineness, that would mean freedom for his partner.

Now, he was standing steps away from Kensi with his hands held out and beams of laser were preventing him to get closer to her. When he stepped inside the room where she was being held, Deeks didn't expect to see her trapped. She asked him to turn off the light before he could step farther towards her. Once he did, for a second he forgot to breathe. Inside the room were explosives that will blow up once the lasers surrounding her breaks, she explained. He offered to call Bomb Squad but she begged him she can't stand any longer.

Kensi looked tired and weary. Who wouldn't, he justified. When you've been standing frozen for more than a couple of hours, you'll grow tired too. Deeks quickly made Plan B. Adding an attachment to his gun, he would be able to shoot the source of the beam with the same laser frequency so she could escape. His plan was a success until he couldn't reach the last sources. On her own, Kensi moved carefully over and above the beams.

When she was near enough, he offered her his hands.

She placed her hands over his and he grasped them.

"On three. You ready?" He asked. When she nodded, he began the countdown. "One,"

"Two," She uttered next.

Eyes on each other, hands intertwined, they both said. "Three."

She felt him grabbed her, his arms wrapped around her tightly and protectively as they both flew out the door, the bombs that had been threatening her life the minute she was placed in the room were bursting inside. Kensi heard his grunt when they landed on the ground, his body catching the impact of their fall. She found herself gasping for breath above her partner.

When she woke up that morning after another one of her faceless dreams, she had no idea that she would be held hostage by Russians, forced to stand in room with bombs and lasers surrounding her and hoped for Deeks to come get her back the soonest.

Deeks. Her partner. Her new friend.

Two nights ago she knocked on his door with a pint of ice cream in her hand and a mission to comfort him. Kensi didn't know the reason for his gloominess that morning but whatever it was, she wanted to let him know that he could count on her. But somehow that night ended with her telling him of her condition. It surprised her to realize how open she had been with him about her life. There were only a few people who knew her past. Not because the people around her never tried to learn more. But because she chose it to be that way.

Kensi liked simplicity. Her mind had been through a lot in her 27 years of existence that she hated complicated things, hated overthinking. Some might say she was a closed-off. Maybe it was true. Living like an orphan since the age of 15, she tend to isolate herself from everyone and everything. For years, she had let only a couple handful of people in her life. Those people were her most trusted few: some of her good friends, the family who took care of her since her return from wandering, love interest who she had hoped to be in her future only for him to leave in the end and others who she considered important. It worked for her that way. The simple the thing the better.

But enter Deeks. She couldn't deny the connection she felt towards him since meeting him barely a month ago. It was new for her, seeing the man for the first time but feeling like knowing him longer. That never happened before. Kensi was a stranger to this kind of feeling yet she was unafraid. She should be, she discerned. But she wasn't. The unfamiliar feeling she had towards her partner was comforting in a way.

That was why when he asked her that night if she could tell him her issues, her admittance flowed freely. Only when he asked her if she could have the answers to her missing memories back would she welcome them that she folded. But it was because of her cowardice and not because of her not trusting him enough.

She trusted Deeks. She trusted him to watch her six when they are on the field. She trusted him with her past. She trusted him with her life.

When she lowered her weapon hours ago and allowed the Russians to take her, she trusted him that he'll get her back. And he did. Deeks came and rescued her.

She felt his hand clearing her face of some of her hair, pushing the strands behind her ear. Somehow satisfied that he could see her face clearly now, he held her on her hips. His blue eyes were almost teary as they stared at her. A tug in her chest grew stronger the longer she gazed at him. His eyes. They were like the eyes of the man in my dreams.

Surprised that he jolted, she broke away from looking at him. Kensi assumed he was hearing their teammates' voices through his earpiece. Hers was immediately removed by the Russians as soon as she was brought in the car.

"We're good." She heard him spoke. "You okay?" He turned to her.

"I gotta pee." She answered before she could hold herself. Kensi felt the heat on her cheeks at her response. She mentally slapped herself for replying without thinking.

He might have noticed her embarrassment because he nonchalantly uttered, "I think I just did."

It was his way to let her know she need not to feel ashame and for that, she was grateful.

Still on top of him, she grinned and he grinned with her.