Wax Sherlock Holmes stared at the Pines siblings with distaste. "Bravo, Dipper Pines. You've discovered our little secret. Though I believe your elder sister figured it out first."
Wax Holmes took out Wax Stan's head, which had been hidden in his cloak. "Applaud, everyone, applaud sarcastically."
The other wax statues began to applaud, sincere smiles on their faces.
Wax Holmes became annoyed. "Uh, no that sounds too sincere. Slow clap."
The wax figures slowed their clapping immediately, their smiles wiped off their faces.
Holmes was pleased by the quick change. "There we go, nice and condescending."
"But… how is this possible? You're made of wax!" Dipper exclaimed, nearly hysterical.
"That's what I would like to know." Evelyn said, stiffening as she went on the defensive. She knew that they were in a very dangerous situation, and she honestly just wanted to stall them to find a way to get her and her siblings out.
"Are you… magic?" Mabel asked, ever the optimist.
'Jeez, you're sister only sees the bright side, huh?' the voice said, sounding slightly amused and on edge.
Wax Holmes laughed sarcastically. "Are we magic? She wants to know if we're magic!" He stopped laughing, his face twisting in anger as he yelled, "We're CURSED!"
Evelyn pulled her siblings back further behind her, trying to put some space between them and the wax figures as they chanted, "Cursed! Cursed!"
"Cursed to come to life whenever the moon is waxing." Holmes continued. "Your uncle bought us many years ago at a garage sale."
"A haunted garage sale, son!" Wax Coolio added.
The wax figures looked lost in thought. 'Probably remembering their earlier lives.' Evelyn mused.
'This is your chance! Get out while they're distracted!' the voice exclaimed.
'I can't.' she thought. 'If we make any sudden moves, they'll probably shake themselves out of their memories and get back to trying to murder us. Their backstory gives us time to think of a good way out. Plus, I don't like the look of Lizzie Borden with that ax.'
The voice huffed. 'You're being stupid Little Bird! Escape while you can!'
Evelyn jumped in surprise when Wax Holmes spoke. "And so, the Mystery Shack Wax Collection was born. By day we would be the playthings of man."
"But when your uncle went to sleep, we would rule da night." Wax Coolio added.
"It was a charmed life for us cursed beings…" Holmes lamented, before his voice became harsh once more. "That is, until your uncle closed up shop."
"We've been waiting ten years to get our revenge on Stan for locking us away." Holmes said. "But we got the wrong guy."
Evelyn looked at him grimly. 'I knew it.' She thought.
'It sounds like he's just about done his self-pity session. Have you found a way out?' the voice asked.
'No, other than through the wax figure mob.' She sighed internally, feeling odd about talking so normally to a voice inside her head.
'What are you going to do then?' the voice asked.
'I guess we'll have to fight our way out.' She thought.
Dipper was shocked at the wax statues' true plan. "So, you're trying to murder Grunkle Stan for real?!"
Mabel clung to her sister's arm. "You were right all along, Dipper! Wax people are creepy!"
Wax Holmes became impatient. "Enough! Now that you know our secret, you must… die."
In unison, the wax statues growled, their eyes rolling back into their heads as they approached the siblings.
'Well, that'll give me nightmares.' Evelyn thought.
'You can be witty later, Little Bird. Focus on the evil, zombie-like wax monsters that want to kill you!' the voice said sarcastically.
"What do we do, what do we do?" Mabel panicked.
"I don't know!" Dipper yelled.
They began throwing objects from the table behind them at the oncoming threat. Dipper, desperate to stop them, threw the coffee maker at Wax Genghis Khan. Once the hot liquid hit him, the wax man began melting, screaming in pain as he did so.
"That is nightmare fuel right there." Evelyn stated, before becoming serious. "But now we know that heat hurts them!"
"That's it! We can melt them with hotty melty things!" Mabel exclaimed.
The siblings looked at the table behind them and quickly took an electric candle each, wielding it like a sword. They shared a smile before turning back to the threat.
"Anyone more and we'll melt you into candles!" Dipper threatened.
"Decorative candles!" Mabel added.
Wax Holmes looked incredulous. "You really think you can defeat us?"
They looked around, uncomfortable and indecisive. "I-I don't really know. I'm-I'm not really sure." Dipper stuttered.
"We're already here, may as well try." Evelyn shrugged indecisively.
"It's worth a shot, I guess." Mabel added.
'You're not really intimidating, are you?' the voice said rudely, 'you could at least pretend to be confident that you'll win.'
Wax Holmes had gotten a similar vibe from the siblings. "So be it…" He said grimly before turning to other wax people. "Attack!"
They began to converge on the siblings, forcing the kids and teen to defend themselves. Mabel dodged Lizzie Borden's swing of her ax, making her accidentally decapitate Robin Hood. With a low growl, Evelyn attacked Wax Lizzie Borden.
"No one tries to hurt my sister!" she muttered darkly as she swiftly cut off the wax figures arms with her candle, making Wax Lizzie scream.
Evelyn made quick work of cutting Lizzie in half, before having to dodge a blow from none other than the Queen of England.
"Die!" Wax Queen Elizabeth the Second cried.
Dodging another one of the wax Queen's attack, Evelyn raised her candle and cut off the Queen's head.
"Oh dear!" the head cried.
Evelyn winced. "Sorry, your Majesty."
She looked back to see Mabel battling Shakespeare's arms and Dipper decapitating Larry King. 'There's something vaguely wrong with this image…' Evelyn thought sarcastically.
'Yeah, your family is crazy. Is this a normal day for you?' the voice inquired.
'It's starting to become an unfortunate habit.' Evelyn thought before dodging the swing of another wax figure.
After taking out a few more wax figures, she saw Wax Sherlock Holmes approaching her brother with his sword drawn.
"Oh no you don't." she growled, before running until she was standing in front of Dipper protectively. Wax Holmes raised his sword, getting ready to cut Evelyn down.
'Are you an IDIOT?! Get out of there! Use your candle!' the voice yelled.
'I dropped it when I ran to get to Dipper in time.' Evelyn said, defensive and resigned.
Mabel called out to Evelyn as Holmes lowered his sword, throwing a heated poker at her. "Catch!"
Just as the sword was about to hit flesh, Evelyn caught the poker by the handle and used it to block the sword. As Sherlock Holmes continued swinging at her and she blocked him, the voice said, 'Get out of that room. If you get him alone, it'll be easier to end him.'
Evelyn decided to follow the voice's advice, since she saw his logic. She also would rather get into a deadly sword fight away from where her siblings could be hurt by it.
"Dipper." She called to her brother, who was behind her. "Go over to Mabel. I'll take care of this."
Dipper nodded apprehensively and stood back, watching as the wax figure slowly pushed Evelyn out of the room with the force of his swings, Evelyn backing up and keeping her stance defensive.
The two continued their fight all the way up to the attic floor, where Sherlock managed to corner her. Holmes once again raised his sword.
"Once your family is out of the way, we'll rule the night once more!" he cried.
'What in the multiverse are you going to do now, Little Bird?!' the voice exclaimed.
She glanced around her, at a loss, before noticing the window and smirking. 'I have a plan.'
Out loud, she said, "I wouldn't bet on it." Her words only enraged the wax statue even more.
As Sherlock brought the sword down, Evelyn rolled out of the way and scrambled out of the window onto the roof.
'What's the plan? Jump to your death before he can get you?' the voice said sarcastically.
'You'll see!' she thought.
"Come back here, you brat!" Holmes yelled as he followed her out onto the roof.
Evelyn carefully climbed onto the Mystery Shack sign, balancing herself as she moved away from Sherlock Holmes. He followed her, poker and sword clashing as they both tried to keep their balance as they fought.
'Don't you dare fall.' The voice warned.
'Never.' She smirked inwardly.
"Evie!" she heard Dipper cry.
She quickly glanced behind Holmes to see that her brother had made his way up and was watching them fight horror on his face.
"Dipper! I told you to stay with Mabel!" she yelled.
"I was worried about you!" he called out.
Evelyn jumped back as Sherlock swung his sword down, knocking the 'S' in 'Shack' down. She winced. 'Grunkle Stan is going to be so pissed…' she thought.
'Focus on the sword-wielding freak in front of you!' the voice exclaimed.
Wax Holmes was becoming enraged at Evelyn. "You really think you can outwit me, girl? I'm Sherlock bleeding Holmes! Have you seen my magnifying glass? It's enormous!"
Knowing she needed to work fast in order to keep Holmes' attention on her and not on Dipper, who was easier to reach, she quickly dropped the poker and began climbing off the sign. She climbed over the roof and quickly ran to hide behind the chimney, waiting.
After a moment, she glanced around from behind her hiding place, but saw no trace of the wax figure. Panic, gripped her. 'What if he went after Dipper?!' she thought, ready to forget her plan to save her brother.
Suddenly she was kicked hard from the side, sending her flying to the other half of the roof. Wax Sherlock followed her, raising her sword. "Any last words?"
"Evie!" she heard Dipper cry as he scrambled to climb over the roof to reach them.
'Your plan better work. You can't die here, or I'll bring you back just to kill you again!' The voice shouted at her.
Evelyn just smirked. "You got any sunscreen, Sherly?"
Wax Sherlock was perplexed at her lack of fear and strange words. "Got any-? What?"
The sun began rising, its rays reaching the trio on the roof. Evelyn glanced at it, her smirk still in place. Sherlock turned to where Evelyn was looking and gasped.
"No." he protested as he began to melt.
Evelyn calmly got up and brushed herself off as Dipper ran towards her, wrapping his arms around her waist and squeezing her tightly, grateful that she was okay.
"Letting me lead you outside before down? Not your sharpest decision there, Sherly."She wrapped an arm around her shaking brother in comfort as she watched the wax statue melt.
"Outsmarted by a girl in indecently short pants! No!" Wax Holmes yelled as he continued melting. "Fiddlesticks! Humbugs! It's a total kerfuffle. Butter hullaboo."
In moments, all that was left was a pile of melted wax and Sherlock's melting head.
Dipper, who'd finally let go of his sister, looked confidently at the melted foe. "Case closed."
Dipper wiped his hands together, but the dust that floated of them made him sneeze his kitten sneeze.
The melting head laughed as it started sliding off of the roof. "Ha ha ha! You sneeze like a kitten! Those policemen were right, you're adorable! Adorable!"
As he yelled his last words, he fell off the roof, the 'splat' sound they heard signifying his demise.
They both looked disgusted.
"E-ew." Dipper said, disturbed.
'I'll admit, that was pretty clever, Little Bird. I didn't see that one coming.' The voice said, slightly tinged in admiration.
'Thanks.' Evelyn thought, before shaking her head.
"Let's head back." Evelyn said as they began walked back to the window.
-DaLD-
When they walked back into the room, they saw Mabel throwing Shakespeare's head into the fire.
"Evie! Dipper! You're both okay! You solved the mystery after all." Mabel exclaimed, looking relieved.
Dipper got a chair to take Wax Stan's head off the wall. "I couldn't have done it without my two sidekicks."
"No offense Dipper, but you're the sidekick." Mabel said amusedly.
"What? Says who? Have people been saying that? Have you heard that?" Dipper asked nervously.
"I think we're a team, not sidekicks." Evelyn jokingly argued, smiling at her siblings.
Stan walked in on that moment, surveying the mess with shock. "Hot Belgian Waffles! What happened to my parlour!?"
"Your wax figures turned out to be evil, so we fought them to the death!" stated Mabel cheerfully.
"I decapitated Larry King." said Dipper.
"And I was in a swordfight with Sherlock Holmes." Evelyn added.
Stan laughed, not believing them. "Ha! You kids and your imaginations!"
"On the bright side, though, look what we found." Dipper handed over Stan's wax head.
"My head!" Stan exclaimed. "Ha ha! I missed this guy! You done good kids! Alright, line up for some affectionate noogie-ing."
Stan approached them as they backed away nervously. "Oh, I'm not so sure about that. Is there any other alternative?" Dipper asked, voice cracking.
"Oh uh… I'm not so sure…" Mabel tried.
"Gee, I'd love to, but, uh, I have somewhere to be…" Evelyn attempted.
Stan ignored them, and, laughing, grabbed them all and noogied each of them, forcing Evelyn to crouch to be at her siblings' level. They all laughed at the act of tough love, knowing this was Grunkle Stan's way of saying thank-you.
The affectionate noogies were cut short by Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland, who had stopped their police car outside the open window.
"Solved the case yet, kids? I'm so confident you're gonna say no, that I'm gonna take a long, slow sip from my cup of coffee." He then proceeded to take said long, slow sip.
'He's setting himself up there.' Evelyn thought to herself.
'I can't wait to see his face when he gets scalded by his own coffee.' The voice commented sadistically.
Dipper spoke smugly. "Actually, the answer is yes."
Sheriff Blubs, in shock, spat his steaming coffee onto Deputy Durland screamed and spat coffee in Blubs face, and he screamed and spat his coffee once more onto Durland, who repeated the same thing. The voice laughed hysterically in Evelyn's head.
'You flesh bags are hilarious!' the voice managed to say between fits of laughter.
"It burns! It burns!" Blubs screamed.
"My eyes!" yelled Durland.
They drove away, blind and screaming.
The Pines family laughed, enjoying their minor revenge.
"They got scalded!" Stan exclaimed.
A moment later, Evelyn heard a worrying crash, but brushed it off. 'They'll be fine.' She reassured herself.
Dipper turned to Mabel. "So, did you get rid of all the wax figures?"
"I am ninety-nine percent sure that I did!" exclaimed Mabel cheerfully.
"Good enough for me!" Dipper responded, before they went back to laughing.
For a moment, Evelyn thought she heard Larry King's voice coming from the vents, but dismissed herself, deciding it was just her imagination.
-DaLD-
The rest of the day passed by fairly quickly with only one odd occurrence, which was Mabel talking to disembodied voices directions for clothing.
The Pines siblings were all tucked in, fast asleep, and Evelyn listened to her siblings' slow breaths, before turning back to her thoughts.
'You there?' she asked mentally, feeling crazy for trying to talk to a voice in her head.
There was silence for a moment before a voice answered. 'You should be asleep, Little Bird.'
'But I have questions.' She argued.
'Then ask them.' The voice answered.
'Are you real? Or a figment of my imagination?' she questioned, worried for her sanity.
'I am completely real, and no, you're not crazy.'
'But how are you talking to me?' Evelyn questioned.
'I'm trapped in the Mindscape, but I can communicate with you since your mind's open to me.' the voice explained plainly.
'So you're not human?' Evelyn asked.
'Of course I'm not one of those walking sacks of flesh. I'm talking to you in your mind, remember?'
'I suppose so.' Evelyn thought. 'Then what are you?'
'Well, I'm something infinitely more powerful than some weak human.'
Hearing the voice's disdain when he said the word 'human', Evelyn became offended. 'Then why are you talking to me, a weak human?'
'Because you're interesting.' The voice said, ignoring her tone. 'You're different from the other idiots in this small town. I'm interested to see where you'll be going with your 'adventures' this summer.'
'Thanks.' She thought sarcastically.
'Anytime.' The voice said, amused.
'So, I take it you're not going to leave me alone?' she questioned, exasperated.
'Nope.' The voice answered cheerfully.
'Then I'm stuck with you?' she asked.
'Looks like it. Just think of me as your snarky conscience.' The voice said. 'Now sleep. I'll see you in your dreams.'
Evelyn, who had become very tired, just managed to ask, 'Can I at least get the name of my new constant?'
'The names Bill Cipher.' The voice said, laughing as she fell asleep.
-DaLD-
Dun, dun, dun! And there's the last part of Headhunters! I feel good about how this chapter worked out, though it's sometimes tricky to write Bill's part. I see him as a possessive, obsessive, intelligent dream demon with an agenda that he won't easily deviate from, so I'm trying to stay true to his personality. But don't worry, fluffy moments will start to appear later on!
I hope you guys liked this chapter! I won't be able to update for most of next week, since I have three big exams, but once they're over, updates will continue. I'm super excited to write future fluffy moments with Bill and Evelyn, so I fully intend to continue updating regularly. If you have any questions about this story, please don't hesitate to PM me!
Please favorite, follow and/or review! I am super happy that this story has so many followers already, and I appreciate every single one of you and your interest in my story. I hope you guys have a wonderful day! –Aria
(I don't own Gravity Falls)