Author's Note: oh my gosh you guys. this chapter was incredibly hard to write, and I still am not at all satisfied with it. And it's 10k wow! I'm sorry for how long it is since I'm not a huge fan of extremely long chapters, but maybe that's a good thing for you guys? Anyways this chapter is a little boring at the beginning, but trust me it gets really good, and I'm so happy to announce that this story is the longest story I have ever written, and the only story so far that I've been able to get more than a couple chapters in. It's my baby, and I've been looking forward to this chapter since I began chapter 4. The beginning of next chapter is officially the end of the beginning of the story, which is Roxas and Sora understanding their feelings and the pre-relationship. 50k and they haven't even gotten together yet? Wasn't expecting that. But yeah, next chapter will get to the good stuff, and I hope you enjoy this chapter, despite how boring some of it might be, though necessary. Please read, review, and enjoy :D
If Only Tonight We Could Sleep
a Roxas x Sora story
Chapter Ten: Feel So Close
.oOo.
I was always the good kid. I did all my homework, and I listened to my parents. I had a good head on my shoulders, or at least that's what I liked to believe. But as I stood there, staring at myself in the mirror, my reflection spoke more about me then I thought it could. A mirror reflects your appearance, but because of how a mirror works, you get the opposite reflection of how you actually look. The little freckle on my cheek was actually on my left cheek, not my right like the mirror said. Opposite. Yeah, here I was thinking I was such a good person, and yet my reflection showed me for who I really was. The exact opposite. With puffy eyes from crying because I had just done something so unthinkable and taboo that I prayed no one would ever find out.
I have never in my life felt so disgusted with myself.
I couldn't even look at myself longer than a few seconds. I was that ashamed, and I didn't want to risk bursting into tears.
It had been a few days since I came to the horrific realization that I may have been harboring some sort of unnatural and disgusting attraction to Roxas. My own flesh and blood.
I had been trying to handle it the best way I could, but I wasn't myself. I was crying a lot, and was desperately trying to keep my distance from everyone. I felt like maybe they'd know or something if they simply looked at me, and my friends seemed worried about me. Demyx had asked me if I wanted to join Roxas to watch band practice again, but I just wasn't in the mood. I needed to be alone, which was hard to do when the very person who made me cringe lived in the same house as me.
Whenever I saw him, I felt like curling up in a ball and hiding myself away from him and everyone else. He made me feel horrible, dirty, disgusting, and I didn't want him to be around someone like me. He made me feel so bad since every time I saw him I felt differently. My mouth would grow dry, my throat tightened, my heart would race, and he gave me butterflies that felt more like piercing, stinging hornets.
I couldn't take it anymore, especially not when Roxas was all too aware of how I wasn't acting like myself, and was trying so hard to figure out what was going on in my head. He wanted answers, answers I wasn't ready to give. Answers I was trying to deny I knew. I refused to let him in though. How could I? I couldn't expect him to come to terms with it when I couldn't myself. I was even starting to think that all the awkwardness that had been going on between Roxas and I had all been my fault. I was just seeing things as I wanted to, and had been in deep denial about it.
Maybe I was just lonely. I didn't have many friends, and my biggest support system was my brother. Maybe I was just trying to channel all my emotions onto him because I had no one else. Even if that were the case, a normal healthy person would not be trying to correlate sex with family, and no matter how hard I tried to convince myself hormones were the real problem, and that I wasn't at fault, I was.
I had to figure something out before I became a nervous wreck. The stress was too much to handle, and it was beginning to cut into my school work. Maybe I had to get away. And I knew there was one place I could run to if I ever had a problem.
.oOo.
"I'm going to Grammy's for the weekend. I already talked to her and mom." I announced to Roxas, who looked surprised I was even talking to him since I had been doing my best to avoid him recently. But his expression turned angry and he didn't say anything back.
A moment of awkward silence passed before he finally replied with a slow nod of his head.
"Really? And why's that?" He said, turning back to his laptop and trying to act nonchalant. I was sure underneath that poker face of his he was fuming. None of us ever went to Grammy's house, except for holidays and in that case we were always together. It had never been so bad that one of us wanted to go visit her just to get away from the other. And it was obvious why I was so desperate to leave. After what had happened a few days ago I was just going to up and leave? That wasn't a coincidence. I needed to get away. I couldn't even stand to see my own brother, and I felt terrible about it.
"I just miss Destiny Islands? And grandma." I feigned a smile and nervously pulled at a loose thread on my sweater. Well, Roxas' sweater actually.
"Can I come with then?" he asked, and I was so close to cracking and staying here with him. Could I really stand to be away from Roxas for three—more like two and a half—days? Geez, how codependent was I?
"No..." I replied with all the strength I could muster. It was so hard to tell him no sometimes, especially when he looked so upset when I did tell him no. "I think it'd be better if I just went … you know? Besides you gotta stay and do chores while mom's gone and I'm sure you haven't finished your homework, and you have to stay on top of that." I said, excuse after lame excuse. But honestly, I couldn't just say how I really felt. Sorry Roxas, but I need to get the hell away from you before my head explodes and I do something I might regret, you know like tell you how good it had felt when you were on top of me that day and how I had to relieve myself in the shower. Yeah...not a good idea Sora.
"Oh..." he said, thankfully getting the hint that I didn't want him around. "Whatever then, have fun." He spat at me with all the disdain he could and turned back to his laptop, typing angrily away. I took this as my cue to leave to my own room and began packing. It took me a while to get everything I had thrown in my bag to actually fit. Angry packing wasn't the best idea.
.oOo.
To get to our home town on the Islands, I had to take the train. Of course, you had to take a boat to actually get to the main islands, but the city was train-accessible, and it only took a few hours to get there. But despite the distance, it was a nice, relaxing ride that helped ease my mind. Though I did see an openly gay couple, both men, and had felt a knot in my stomach when I realized I wasn't sure if I'd ever have a normal, healthy relationship with another person as long as Roxas was in the way.
I mean, I knew I'd never have the typical girlfriend or bride, but if I was so involved with Roxas, what hope could I have for a normal relationship with a boy? My ex, Tidus, had been a fun relationship while it lasted, but there were feelings missing there that I couldn't get past. And there was Riku, who I had been talking to a little bit as of late, but I wasn't sure I could even consider him an option when my brother was holding me back.
Speaking of Roxas, he hadn't even come home from Demyx's in time to see me off. Not even a courtesy call or text either, which had really bothered me. I wasn't going to see him for nearly three days, which was the longest I had gone in a while without seeing him, and he hadn't even bothered to say bye. I knew he was mad at me, but still, was he that stubborn? Of course he was, this was Roxas we were talking about after all.
I arrived at my to Destiny Islands towards the evening, and luckily the train station was only a short walk from Grammy's house. I didn't really like the idea of my Grammy driving. I wasn't even sure she could see past the steering wheel since she was so short.
I knocked on the front door, looking around my old neighborhood, and thinking back on all the old, but great memories I had here. I didn't have very long to reminisce when Grammy opened the door wide and gave me a huge smile.
"Sora!" Come here handsome," my Grammy said before pulling me into a tight hug. I towered over here, and it seemed as if she had shrunk even more since the last time I had seen her. And I wasn't even that tall. But as she held me there, I took in the familiar smell of pineapple, dough, and her signature perfume. Pineapple was always a scent I searched for because it always meant she had been busy baking away at my favorite dessert. Pineapple upside-down cake.
"Hey Grammy," I hugged her back and gave her a kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
"Oh, you're starting to look just like your dad. Tall and handsome. You must have a whole class of girls swarming you all the time," she said with a smile. She dragged me into the house and I dragged myself and my bags inside before closing the door. "Is it hard peeling yourself away from your brother? I wish he had been able to come."
I resisted the urge to rudely roll my eyes at the mention of him. "I'm fine, don't worry. He just had a lot of school work to get done." I hated lying, especially to my Grammy.
"How is he, dear? Has he busted his head open from that damn skateboard of his yet?" She joked, but the topic made me uncomfortable, since that was a huge fear of mine.
"Not yet," I forced a chuckle and set my bags onto the floor. "I take care of him."
"Oh, I know you do. You're ways watching out for your brother."
Could we please just stop talking about him?
"I made your favorite," She smiled and my eyes lit up. I was right, she had made cake. I could smell it baking in the oven right now, and I took a big whiff of the smell of delicious pastries baking. I looked around the house and saw that Grandpa—though only through marriage—was working, so I'd have all day to catch up with her, which we did.
After eating, we spent the day going through old family pictures and home movies, she made me dinner, and we even played a few games. It was hard not to think of Roxas when nearly every picture she had of me in the house included him as well. We were always together in pictures, looking happy and carefree as could be. Those were the good old days, days that I wished I could relive, instead of nowadays where everything was a huge mess.
"Are you going to visit your friends this weekend?" She asked while looking at the small tiles she had before her. We were playing Scrabble, one of her favorite games, and as expected, she was winning.
"Yep, probably tomorrow." I said around a mouthful of a cookie she had given me, to which I was promptly scolded.
"I just saw Tidus and Rikku the other day, and told them you were going to be coming by. They were so excited. You know Wakka moved right?"
"Yeah, Tidus told me over the phone a while ago." I said with a small frown. Wakka, along with Tidus and Rikku, were my friends from home. Roxas' too, but they were more my friends than his since I had dated Tidus. Sadly, Wakka had moved away with his parents, and I hadn't had a chance to get his number, so it was a while since I last talked to him.
"Oh alright, well I'm sure they'll be happy to see you. Too bad Roxas couldn't be here," she said right before looking at me, and a look of concern gracing her wrinkled, kind face. "You get a little touchy whenever I mention your brother. Is something wrong?"
"No," I said, more quickly than I should have. I couldn't lie to my Grammy, and I knew she'd see right through it, but I wasn't about to tell her why we weren't getting along. "No, we're not. Really." I did my best to smile reassuringly.
"Alright then." She smiled that knowing smile and set her tiles down, spelling the word 'Family,' and I almost felt like that was some sort of sign from her. I suddenly really missed my brother, in more ways than one.
.oOo.
"Sora!" I couldn't even reply, not when my face was buried in Rikku's boobs. If I were straight, this would be heaven.
"Hey! It's been a while," Tidus said as he slapped me lightly on the back. I pulled myself away from her to turn to my ex-boyfriend, Tidus. And the first thing I noticed was how much older he looked since I had last scene him. And how much tanner and buffer he had gotten. Hmm, the Islands had been good to him. There was one other thing I couldn't stop myself from noticing, and that was how much he reminded me of Roxas. Tan skin, sun-kissed blond spiky hair, and blue eyes. He looked older than my brother, but how disturbing was it that my ex-boyfriend reminded me of my own brother. Great. Even more evidence that I was some sort of creepy narcissistic.
"What's wrong? Aren't you happy to see us?" Rikku pouted as she twirled a braid around her index finger. I grinned in reassurance and stretched my arms out for a group hug.
"Yeah of course." I smiled even wider when they came close and tangled their arms around my shoulders and waist. It was nice, and just like the good old days. All that was missing was having Ro-
"Where's Roxas?" Rikku asked suggestively, hinting to the fact that she was still harboring that crush she had always had on my brother. If my brother liked girls, I could picture them together easily. Rikku was pretty with tan skin, long blond hair, and a quirky style that matched her quirky personality. I gave her once over and noticed her wearing highlighter orange high-top converse that only she could pull off so well. But unfortunately for Rikku, my brother liked boys.
"Yeah is he in the hospital or something? You guys are never apart from each other unless there's a serious reason behind it," Tidus added with concern.
I almost wanted to yell at them to stop mentioning Roxas because I was tired of hearing about him from everyone and that we weren't always together geez! But they didn't know how many times I had been asked this since I had come to visit Grammy, so I wasn't about to release my pent up anger out on them.
Instead, I forced a grin and said through gritted teeth, "He's home, he's fine, and I just wanted to come here myself."
They shared confused glances and Rikku frowned before unwrapping herself from me and ruffling my hair. "Aw, did you two get in a fight or something?"
"Yeah…sorta," I sighed, hoping they didn't ask what had happened. I was not about to go into detail. Oh you know, Roxas and I kissed, we fought, we made up, we almost kissed again, I jerked off to thoughts of him. You know, the usual twin spat.
"Aw well cheer up," Tidus told me with a huge, reassuring grin on his face. "You guys are always fighting, but you always make up in less than a day. You'll be over it by tonight."
"It's a little more complicated than you think."
"Did he steal your boyfriend or something?" Rikku asked with a nosy jab to my chest with her finger.
"No, I don't even have a boyfriend," I said with a slight blush on my cheeks.
"Still?" Tidus asked, though I saw a tiny hint of a smile on his face, but it could have just been my eyes playing tricks on me. We had gone out for probably about 7 months. Quite a long time for a first boyfriend, plus I had the added fact that I had to desperately hide it from my parents and I had a green-eyed monster aka Roxas constantly hanging around me. Everyone says you never forget your first love, but I didn't have those types of feelings for Tidus. It was nice, it was fun, and he even took my virginity, but still, I hadn't felt completely enthralled in him like I was expecting to. It was probably why it was so easy for me to see him and have no ill-feelings towards him, though even without having those lovey-dovey feelings for him, I still felt something whenever I saw him.
"How rude," Rikku scolded him. "He didn't mean it like that, he's just happy he still has a shot at a single Sora."
"As if!" Tidus argued with a flustered expression on his face. "She's just kidding. Besides, I know better than to mess with Roxas' brother." I rolled my eyes in response. "Sorry, I'm joking. You know me and Roxas got over that."
Roxas had been his regular jealous self when I had been with Tidus, but after a while he had finally got used to the idea of me being involved with him. I almost felt bad for Tidus. It was as if he were the third wheel to Roxas and me, when it should have felt that way to Roxas. Eventually, Roxas calmed down and he and Tidus became fast friends, and it was always the three of us hanging out, sometimes followed by Rikku and Wakka.
Those were fun times, and ever since we had moved, I had missed them. But it wasn't that bad just Roxas and me. I hated to admit that I missed my stupid brother right now. Despite my efforts to get away from him in hopes of clearing my head, he was still predominantly on my mind. Whether it be someone mentioning his name, or walking past a certain building and remembering watching Roxas learn how to skate as kids, or wishing that I was still back home with him. I was past the point of frustrated that I was always thinking of him, and now I just wanted to know why.
"You okay?" Tidus asked after shaking my shoulder and snapping out of my Roxas-thoughts. "You spaced out."
"I'm fine." I said with a curt nod.
"Good, well wanna all go to my house? You guys can help me with my water polo skills." He said as he flexed his muscles, that had defiantly gotten bigger since the last time I had seen him. But despite the fact that he had worked out, he was still the same old Tidus, and Rikku was the same old Rikku with the fluorescent clothing and beads in her hair, and I was happy to be able to relieve my childhood with them for a least a couple days.
.oOo.
I wasn't surprised that by the time I got home all I could think about was Roxas. He should have been there with us, laughing and joking like old times. But instead we were having these stupid issues, and I had left him behind so I could get some peace of mind, which I was happy to find when I spent the day with Rikku and Tidus. But now that I was home alone and Grammy and Grandpa were asleep, I was back to square one with my brother.
I didn't think I'd be able to get any type of peace of mind over this, but still I wanted to hear from Roxas. I hadn't really even had a chance to say bye to him before I left, which was still bothering me. Was he mad at me? Was he upset that I had left? I guess that was my excuse for scrolling through my contacts and searching desperately for his name. It wouldn't be a big deal if I called him. Roxas would probably be happy that I was even thinking about him.
I found his name and sucked in a deep breath, before slowly going to press the call button. I held the phone to my ear and hated that my heart was pounding against my ribcage like a drum.
It rang a couple times and I was becoming more anxious by the second. What if he didn't answer because he was pissed at me? I couldn't really handle Roxas being angry with me, and I wasn't there to fix it. It rang some more, and by now I didn't think I was going to be getting an answer, which made my heart drop to my stomach. Wow, I really wasn't expecting him to not answer. But I had to remind myself that maybe he was busy, or even sleeping. It was only ten, but who knows how late Roxas would stay up if I wasn't there to bug him.
'Hey this is Roxas. I'm busy right now so leave a message if it's important. If not, just call back later. Bye.'
I sighed and clicked the button to end the call. With a groan, I collapsed back onto my bed and ran my hand over my face. I had never really been apart from Roxas for long, and even when I was he always answered. I just hoped he wasn't ignoring my call.
I waited the next thirty minutes waiting for a call back from Roxas. In those thirty minutes, I had tried calling once more time, but still it just rang and rang until it got to voice mail. At least he wasn't pressing ignore. Still, I was pretty pissed, and at the same time worried I had done something to mess everything up.
It seemed like all I was doing lately was beating myself up about situations. Sure, spending some time with Rikku and Tidus today was good therapy. We laughed and spent time at the old park we always hung out at as kids. But still, passing by all the playground equipment brought back a lot of nostalgia that I wished I could have shared with Roxas as well. And of course, when I thought about Roxas, I thought about the conflict the past few days. But I knew I had come to Grammy's to get away from Roxas and everything that had been bothering me, and it was getting late. Maybe it was better if I just went to sleep.
So with a uneasy stomach and anxiety bubbling in my chest, I turned off the desk lamp, got under the covers, and fell asleep.
.oOo.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, feeling surprised and relieved to see Roxas standing there with his hands in his pockets and a frown on his face. He sure didn't look as happy to see me as I was to see him. I wasn't even going to try and hide the grin that was currently plastered on my face. It was Sunday morning, and I was planning to leave in an hour or two after having breakfast, and packing my things. But as I was eating, Roxas had suddenly showed up, something I definitely wasn't expecting.
He shrugged his shoulders and walked over towards me. He didn't make a move to hug me or anything, but just stood there by the kitchen table looking zulky.
"Okay…" I responded, but was immediately reminded that Roxas hadn't even bothered to call me back yesterday. The grin I had quickly turned upside down. "Thanks for calling me back. You couldn't have even texted me?"
"I was asleep, geez." He said defensively, glaring at me something fierce. Obviously he was more pissed off at me then I had thought, but then why was he even here? To yell at me? He could have simple just called me back and done so.
But honestly, even though I was pissed off at Roxas, I was really happy to see him.
"Sure, you still could have called me this morning," I argued as I sulked in my chair, arms crossed, eyes narrowed at my brother. He rolled his eyes.
"Where's Grammy?" He asked, completely changing the subject.
"Nice to see you too," I muttered with a roll of my eyes and a scowl on my face. If Roxas wanted to be stupid then that was fine with me. I had a great weekend without him anyway.
"Shut up," He said, much more harshly than I was expecting to come out of his mouth and the look that came with it told me he wasn't too happy with me. I nearly flinched at the anger in his face, and didn't say a word. I poked at my breakfast with my fork, staring at scrambled eggs, and finding I wasn't very hungry anymore.
Sure, I was happy to see him and everything, but maybe he shouldn't have came. Come to think of it I still had no clue, why he was here to begin with. Had mom sent him here to get me? Probably, since he didn't seem like he wanted to be here. Or maybe he just came here to be a complete jerk to me.
"Sorry," he said almost immediately, and I distractedly forked a mouthful of eggs into my mouth. He chuckled, and said, "What? No syrup to drench your eggs with? You're actually eating food like a normal person."
I didn't laugh.
He let out a heavy sigh and I heard him shuffle, and come over to sit by me. "Listen, I didn't call you back 'cuz I wanted to surprise you." I heard the scrape of the chair legs on the floor as he pulled it out and sat beside me. "I wanted to come see Grammy for a little, then I thought we could ride home together."
"…"
"Sora, come on! I'm sorry I told you to shut up, and I'm sorry for not calling you back. Now stop moping." he reached over, and lifted my face by the chin. I felt my cheeks flare, but quickly recoiled at his touch no matter how nice it was. He frowned, obviously hurt.
"Grammy's outside. You should go tell her you're here."
I stared at my lap once he let go of my chin, and listened to the harsh screech of the chair as he got up angrily. I looked up to see him storming out of the kitchen, and I felt like throwing my toast at him. It'd be even better, since Roxas hated wheat.
I could hear my Grammy's excited shouts of 'Roxas!' and 'What a surprise! Come gimme some sugar!' I smiled to myself a little, and finished my breakfast while contemplating Roxas' mixed signals.
Seriously, sometimes I couldn't stand him. I was his twin, and I couldn't even understand him half the time. One second he was pissed off at me, the next he came here to ride home with me? It was kind of sweet of him though, I admitted.
I took my dish to the sink, rinsed, and cleaned it. All right before Grammy came running inside, dragging Roxas with her.
"Boys! Boys! Stand next to each other. I want to get a good look at you two together."
She pushed Roxas gently into the middle of the living room. He was doing his best to hide a scowl, and I reluctantly but obediently followed. I didn't want to be anywhere near Roxas to be honest, so I stood a little bit of a distance from him.
"Stop acting like you two barely know each other," she ordered and pressed her hands together, gesturing for us to move closer.
"Like this?" Roxas asked. He grabbed my snugly by the waist, and pulled me in really really close. Our cheeks were practically touching, and I could feel him squeeze my hip, enticing me to lick my drying lips. It was hard not to wear an awkward, or uncomfortable expression on my face, but I did my best to act as normal as I could in front of my Grammy.
"Smile." She whipped out a camera that both of us hadn't even seen her holding, and the bright flash blinded us momentarily. "Ugh, Sora, your face looks like a tomato. You were never the camera shy twin," She complained.
"Yeah, he was such a ham. Camera hog," Roxas joked while ruffling my hair that I wasn't too happy about. I shoved him off, but was appreciate of the brotherly love he was displaying, even if it was just a show for Grammy.
"You two are so cute. It's such a shame your matching bunny suits don't fit anymore. It's almost Easter isn't it? Oh gosh maybe they do! Gimme one second." She began to scurry off and Roxas and I exchanged panicked faces.
"No, it's okay!" Roxas shook his head quickly and laughed. "I promised Mom I'd have Sora home in time for dinner, so I should probably help him pack."
I nodded in enthusiastic agreement.
"You're no fun, Roxas," Grammy sighed and waved us off. "Alright then, go ahead and pack. But I'm going to make some lemon bars for you to take home to your mom and dad."
"Okay,"I grinned, and before I knew it Roxas grabbed my hand and dragged me towards the guest room I was staying in.
"Thank me later," Roxas said with a smirk. The look on his face made me scratch my head nervously, and I cleared my throat. "I missed you."
I blushed, and a tiny smile crossed my face. "Is that why you're here?"
"Yep, I couldn't stand to be away from my Sora for the weekend."
I quirked a brow, confused at the sudden mood change. I wasn't sure why, but I figured it'd be a good idea to close the door, and I leaned against it, closing it and resisting the urge to lock it. What was I expecting to happen? I turned back to Roxas, watching him with a wary eye, and wondering what he was thinking. All of a sudden he was going to be nice?
"You're not mad?" I questioned.
"Well...I was honestly. But I missed you too much, and I can never be mad at you when I see you."
I felt my stomach growing warm, and I had to fight back the annoying urge to smile. Not only was I grinning, but because I really liked what he was saying, and the look he had on his face, I felt my blood travel south. Great, not again. I tried to think of something else, like how incredibly disturbing it was that I was having such thoughts for my own brother. I had to remind myself it was wrong, and I was really getting tired of Roxas acting funny, and making me think confusing thoughts! Was he just doing this all to get a rise out of me? Did he think it was funny to completely freak me out? Fine, two could play that game, plus it was my perfect chance to find out what was really going on in his head, and maybe even put a spot to all this … awkward tension between us.
"Did you miss me too?" He asked, and I hadn't even noticed that he had been inching closer to me. I leaned against the door, arms crossed while I wore a smile on my face. I kind of liked this flirty, sweet Roxas, but I was still wondering what his actual intentions were.
"Yeah, of course."
"Why did you leave anyway?" He asked, his smile turning from that to a sad frown. "You wanted to get away from me that badly?" He wasn't teasing anymore, I realized. He looked serious, and genuinely hurt.
"It's not like that," I tried to argue, but the tone in my voice gave me away when it cracked. I had left for that reason specifically, and Roxas knew that. "I just needed a little space, but … I think I'm all better now."
"Good. I missed you being you. I missed the old Sora." I wasn't exactly sure what he meant by that, but I noticed he was an arm's-length away from me, just close enough for him to reach over and run his hands through my hair. Before he could pull his hand away, I placed my hand on top of his, keeping him there, making him stay close.
I was going to try and test him somehow, and gauge his reaction. I wanted to see what his intentions were, and if he had been lying about not having any sort of sexual feelings for me, like I was starting to confuse myself into feeling. I wanted to find out, not only to ease my own mind, but to finally somehow stop it maybe. It couldn't go on forever like this. I didn't want to constantly be confused and angry at myself, when I wasn't even sure if I was the only one who felt confused.
Had everything, the kissing and touching, only happened due to circumstance, or had there been a deeper reason behind it? I wanted to know for the sake of having some peace of mind and maybe I wanted to know if he had the same sort of twisted feelings I did.
"You still don't totally seem back to your old self though," He said with a mischievous quirk to his smile.
"The new Sora isn't all bad though, right?" I asked, trying to give him a flirty grin, but I was never the best at flirting. When I had tried flirting in the past, people either thought I was angry at them somehow, or was completely cheesy. But Roxas knew I didn't have flirt skills, and he'd be able to know that was what I was going for.
"Yeah, I do. He's funner," Roxas said with a chuckle as the pads of his fingertips rubbed my scalp gently. It felt nice, but I quickly had to remind myself not to melt into his touch.
Half of me was here trying to convince myself this was for research purposes only, but I knew that secretly, I felt a rush when he gripped at my hair and tugged me closer. I shivered when I looked into his eyes, but did my best to keep myself calm, and not let myself get another hard-on.
He wasn't coming any closer, but we stayed like this for a bit before I finally licked my dry lips, and did something I may or may not regret. I wasn't exactly sure if this was the best way to go about it, but right now, maybe I was just doing this purely for my own selfish reasons. "Kiss me," I said so softly I wasn't even sure if he had heard me.
But judging by the expression on his face, he definitely had. He looked beyond shocked, eyes wide and jaw dropped slightly as he stared at me. He looked like he was trying to process if I had really just asked him that, and if he had heard me right. I had just asked him to do the one thing that had been plaguing us for the past couple weeks.
But just like I knew (and hoped) he'd do, he leaned in towards me carefully, one hand still buried in my hair, and his other hand moving to grab my hip, to pull my closer against him. I let my eyes flutter closed, almost read to get lost in the kiss I was about to receive. There was no question how badly I wanted him to, but I couldn't let myself give in.
Just as he was about to press his lips against mine, I took in a shuddery breath, looked up at him, and spoke up. "Wow..." He stopped and looked at me. "You just did it without hesitation."
He recoiled, the hands on my hip and in my hair falling just as the smile on his face did. His eyes narrowed and I could see every emotion he had clearly on his face. Sadness, anger, and shame, all rolled into one, darkening his eyes.
"W-what?"
I swallowed thickly, and knew that I was going to regret what I had just done. He looked hurt, and absolutely pissed, but what had I expected him to do? I didn't know what to say, and I guess I wished I had just let him kiss me. But I knew we had to talk about it. Actually talk about it, instead of avoiding the subject and continuing to allow the tension to thicken between us. Maybe this would be better for the both of us. All I knew is that I didn't know what I was going to say. I didn't want to tell him about what had happened with me a few days ago, and how I was thinking about him. I wanted to deny it if I could, even though I knew that wasn't fair. But it'd be better right?
"I just..." I began, unsure of what to really say. "I just didn't think you'd be so willing to do it. After everything we talked about. I thought it was just a one-time thing."
He groaned, rubbing his hands with his face in frustration. "Oh god," He said and he looked like he was about to cry. "Was that a fucking test?" He nearly yelled, the rage and anger evident all over his face.
"Well if it was I got my answer."
"Oh yeah? And what's that?" I saw him clench and unclench his fists, but I knew it was simply a way to calm him down. He'd never hit me. Roxas didn't have any bad anger issues, but this was the angriest I had probably seen him in a long time, despite all the fights we had had recently.
"You tell me." I said, and he stared at me, lip a straight yet trembling line.
"Whatever Sora, I don't want to talk about this," he said with a roll of his eyes as he stepped away from me. "Too bad you can't stay here longer. I liked not having you around." I frowned, hurt by what he was saying, but knowing he was just trying to avoid the subject.
"Yeah, so am I. It was nice hanging out with Tidus and Rikku to get off my mind of you for once," I said, but realized I had just confessed I had been thinking about Roxas non-stop lately.
"Oh really?" he said angrily, obviously too mad to catch what I had just told him. "Same here, I had someone to take my mind off things too. He did a great job."
This peeked my interest, and I immediately found myself jealous. Jealous because I didn't want Roxas spending time with other guys, or because I was pretty positive I knew who it was, I wasn't sure. "Oh yeah? Who?" I pried.
"Axel." Ew, I knew it, and it made my stomach sink.
"Oh yeah, well I hope he did a great job distracting you, Roxas." I said vehemently, the obvious disdain dripping from my tone. "Is that why you didn't answer my call? Too busy having sex with him?"
I didn't like the look Roxas gave me, and I felt nauseous. He didn't have to say anything for me to know what I had said was true. I was just trying to be rude when I said it. I didn't actually think Roxas go as far as to have sex with that idiot. The very thought grossed me out, and I was way more jealous and angry than I should have been.
"Wow, are you serious?" He nodded and I grimaced. "Ew. Well I hope it was amazing," I said very sarcastically. Honestly, I hoped it was horribly awkward and gross and painful. I bet Axel was a fire crotch. A gross bushy fire crotch. Ugh, what a horrible visual.
"It was fun," Roxas replied, and I looked away, blinking back tears. I couldn't believe him. How could he even say that to me when he knew how much I hated Axel, and how much of an asshole Axel had been to him? What had gotten into Roxas that he actually went and had sex with him? Roxas wasn't the type of person to have sex with just about anyone, like Axel probably was. I hoped Roxas didn't contract some sort of disease.
"Well congratulations. One week of knowing each other, and now you two know all of each other."
"Shut up. Who cares if I only knew him for a week or two. You're just afraid of sex."
"I am not!" I denied, blinking in shock.
"Yeah you are. You were the one freaking out over a stupid kiss we had while we were drunk." He accused.
"It meant something though," I said without thinking.
"Oh so all of a sudden it meant something? I thought it-"
"It did to you. I know it meant something to you..." I said softly, and I could see the way his expression softened, his furrowed brows relaxing. "Look, something's going on with you—well us—and it's affecting everything. Just tell me what's going on." There it was, clear as day, and the question that had been running through my mind for so long. What was going on between us?
"What are you even talking about Sora!" He said in denial. "It's Nothing!" He yelled, looking absolutely desperate for me to drop it. I felt myself growing frustrated, and wondering if nothing was going to even come out of this talk. Roxas couldn't even try to deny it. There was definitely something going on with us, and it was having a huge effect on absolutely every aspect of our relationship. Our relationship wasn't, and never would be the same, and he wasn't even acknowledging it. "What? You think everything that's happened actually means something?" He laughed, but it a nervous laugh. "Wow, the problem's obviously with you." I narrowed my eyes at him. How dare he push this all on me. He was the one who started this all! He started everything.
"That's not true." I told him, crossing my arms defiantly and moving towards the bed. He stepped away from me as I came close, looking almost afraid that I'd get near him. "Roxas..." I said softly as I sat down on my bed, my head buried in the palms of my hands. "Just tell me please," I tried pleading with him. "You can tell me anything Roxas. I promise. Why were you just now ready to kiss me? Why did you kiss me that night after the club? Why have things been so differently between us?"
He didn't say anything but simply stared at the floor. His forehead was creased, his hands formed into fists. He looked like he was having an internal struggle with himself, and I wished I knew what he was thinking. But honestly, I knew I already knew the answer.
"Roxas." I pressed, looking up at him, and he glanced at me as if I were a disease, a disease that he desperately needed to get away from. "Tell me."
"No, just get away from me Sora. Just drop it okay?" He shook his head and began to walk away but I immediately stood up and grabbed him by the wrists, my eyes narrowing in frustration, anger. He was not going to just walk away from this. I refused to let him.
"No Roxas! Just fucking tell me already? Stop trying to avoid the issue. There's so much I've been questioning lately, and it's driving me crazy! Just tell me what's going on with you. With us." I said sternly, and held his wrist so tight, I could see the way his eyebrow twitched in a wince. I took in a deep breath and let it out, feeling the tension that was bubbling in my chest slowly leave my body. "Did the kiss, did everything, mean something more?"
He glared at me, but as we stood there, I watched his face soften, and finally after what seemed like forever, he sighed and said, "Yes."
Finally...he had said it.
"What does that mean then?" I asked, letting go of his wrist completely and watching as he grabbed it, rubbing it himself and blinking, his eyes turning away from me to stare at the ground. "What does that mean about how you feel towards me?"
"Sora...please...don't—"
"Tell me Roxas." I pleaded, my tone soft and coaxing. I needed to hear it straight from him. Not from Naminé, not from Larxene, not from Axel but from Roxas.
"Fine! Fine Sora, you want me to tell you? I'll tell you. It did mean more, Sora! A lot more. Don't you get it? Haven't you gotten it by now? I fucking have these feelings Sora. Feelings that won't go away. Feelings about you. Feelings I've wanted to hide from you forever. For as long as I could! Do you get it now Sora? I'm a fucking pervert. I'm a freak! You finally got it out of me, are you happy?" He locked eyes with me and the look he gave me was so completely foreign. I had never seen this pain in his eyes, this anger, this rage all mixed into one. His eyes were a raging ocean. Splashing roughly against the rocks wave after wave after wave.
But finally Roxas had admitted it, and every single thing that had been happening made perfect sense, in the most gut-wrenching way. I felt my stomach drop, and I felt sick. But at the same time I felt … I felt … I just didn't know. And instead of saying anything, I just stood there, staring at him with tears beginning to prick at my eyes, my mouth open, gaping. They had all been right? Every last one of them and I had been to naïve to see it. Or maybe I hadn't wanted to?
"Why?" Was all I could manage to say.
"I don't know Sora. Really I don't, because if I did, you know I would find a way to fix it, I swear I would. Do you think I like having these feelings Sora? I feel so disgusting every day, looking at you and wanting something that I shouldn't want. I had to find ways to hide it from you and I had to live a lie day to day. And when I kissed you … fuck when I kissed you it became so much harder. It was like—"
"Stop it Roxas." I couldn't listen anymore. I just could not stand to listen anymore because of how wrong it was that as he spoke, I wasn't disgusted or hateful, I was relieved, almost a little angry that he had kept this from me, and still happy. I shouldn't have been happy though, and I hated myself for it.
I couldn't understand why. How had this happened? Had I done something to make Roxas feel this way towards me because if I had I definitely did not mean to. And it wasn't even just him. It was me too. Why else would he have made me hard, why else would I have fucking kissed him back that night? Why else did we almost kiss again earlier in the week? What was wrong with me? This was all so messed up, and I couldn't even believe I was even having this kind of conversation with my very own brother.
This was wrong. Incest was wrong. Why else would it have been illegal right? It was immoral.
This was horrible, and a huge reason for that was was because I knew our relationship would never be the same. I'd never have my twin brother back like how it used to be. How could we possibly go back to how we were after this? But that wasn't even the worst part about it. The worst part was that it wasn't just Roxas who felt like this. Obviously I felt something too, and there was nothing I could do about it.
I had tried so hard not to think about it or acknowledge it but how could I avoid it right now? I felt something for Roxas past brotherly love, and I wasn't even sure for how long I had.
I had never thought about anything like that with Roxas, but we were incredibly close, maybe even closer than we should have. And I had known it for a while now. I had seen it. Glances here and there, lingering touches that left me feeling happy, and euphoric and close with him. I knew it when we first kissed that night. When we had really kissed. And since then, maybe the realization was hitting me. I had tried so hard to deny it but I had seen it and I had just let it carry on. I encouraged it, even wanted it. I felt the bile rise in my throat and I shook my head, clutching at it in confusion, anger. I repeated the word 'no' like a mantra, wanting so much to believe I had my brother as just that, a brother. But I didn't, I wouldn't, and I couldn't come to terms with how I felt about it all.
"You mean you don't feel anything at all?"
I looked up at him, complete surprise etched on my face. I did not want to answer that question, when I myself couldn't even begin to understand how I felt. How could I admit to him that there was something in me that did feel something for him? I couldn't admit, I wouldn't because if I did I knew everything would change. I was the one who had everything weighing on my response, and I wasn't ready to change everything, was I? I couldn't tell him the truth, no matter how much it would hurt us both.
"How could I Roxas? It's wrong? Incest is wrong, you know that. How could I feel anything towards you?" I didn't, I didn't, I didn't I repeated in my head. I was trying to convince myself.
"That kiss!" He pointed out. "You can't honestly sit here and tell me you don't feel anything when I know you did. You kissed me back and when you did I felt something. Why would you have kissed me if you hadn't felt something too? Why would you have almost let me kiss you a few days ago. You wanted it, I knew you did. I could see it. Why can't you just admit it?"
I didn't exactly have an answer to that. The only answer I had was that I was drunk but that was becoming something of a broken record. That couldn't be my excuse for all that happened and I knew that I had been into the kiss, I had definitely liked it, I had been aroused when he had me pressed against the wall like that, his hands curiously roaming under my shirt, his tongue sliding against mine with so much passion I had never felt before. No! I couldn't think like that! It was wrong, it was wrong to think of him that way. I couldn't admit that I had touched myself and thought of him. I couldn't admit that I had came to the thought of him touching me that way. I couldn't admit how badly I wanted to just pull him towards me and kiss him and let all morals and inhibitions be swept away with it.
"No Roxas it's wrong!" I repeated as harshly as I could, and I could see him physically wince. I continued, though everything I was saying was bound to completely tear him apart, and that was the last thing I wanted to do. "...What could have made you feel like this anyway? Why not Axel? I scoffed. "You obviously had a great time with him so why not get with him or something? You like him, but yet you say you feel something for me? Your own brother?"
"I know Sora, I know. I don't understand it either. I know it's wrong but when I look at you … you're just perfect. Everything about you. You're so happy and carefree and everyone loves you. Can you really blame me Sora? You have something special. Everyone wants to be around you, and I'm the lucky one who gets to share all my time with you. I don't want to lose that, I don't want to lose you to anyone." He spoke softly, and walked closer to me, beginning to close the distance between us. I could have sworn I forgot how to breathe. "We're so close Sora. We spend almost every minute together and no matter what I don't get tired of it. I love it, every second of it. I guess that's why I feel the way I do. I feel so close to you. We've experienced everything together Sora, ever since we were little I've shared everything with you, shared every experience, why not this too? I want to share everything with you Sora, like we've been doing." He had his hands placed on my shoulders, looking at me, his eyes pleading with mine. I stared at him but was the first to break the gaze.
"T-That's one experience I don't want to share with you Roxas." I said, but I had only said it because I had to. Because I knew it was the right thing to do for both of us.
"What?" He said, anger clouding his watery eyes. "You'd rather share it with Riku?" He scoffed and let go of me, shoving me slightly as he did.
"I don't know." I admitted. I didn't know. Did I want Riku? We had kissed, and I knew he liked me. But it wasn't what I really wanted. The kiss hadn't felt like the one I had with Roxas. But I couldn't feel this way, I knew I couldn't. "You're jealous Roxas, I always knew you were. But in a completely unnatural way." I shook my head, knowing that any feelings I had and any feelings Roxas had needed to stop. I had to stop it before it went to far and we both regretted it. I already was. "You have to stop feeling this way about me Roxas. You could have anyone else. Demyx, Zexion. Anyone but me! Go get with Axel! You like him after all."
"No I don't. Having sex with him made me realize I don't want him or anyone else. It's you, it's always been you." He said, and in one quick motion, he had his hands on my shoulders, his lips pressed firmly against mine in a desperate, heated kiss that felt so passionate, and was so dizzying that I couldn't even think straight for a second. It was everything I had been thinking about, and wanted, and damn it felt so right and nice and still … I knew I couldn't give in.
I pushed him off roughly, wiped at my mouth, and felt so incredibly bad when I saw the way his eyes softened with guilt. "I'm sorry Sora. I know I shouldn't be but you mean everything to me," he said, his voice beginning to break. "… y-you mean … nothing we shared has ever meant anything to you?" There was absolutely no doubt how strongly everything that had happened mean to me. He was my everything too. I loved him with everything I had and would do anything for him. But this? Could I push aside my morality to revel in something immorally wrong and selfish. … how could I? How could I ever let myself give into these strange mix of feelings I had. How could I leave behind my brother? Admitting how I felt would mean losing my brother how I knew him as for my entire life.
My feelings were complicated. This was all so complicated, but I knew I didn't have like Roxas, I absolutely loved him. I wanted to be with him as much as I could, I wanted to hear him talk, I wanted to see him laugh, I wanted to do anything to please him. Was that love? Was that love past that of a family member? I wanted to feel the heat in my stomach when he kissed me, I wanted to feel the shivers that ran through me when he touched me. I wanted my brother, and more. I wanted Roxas, more than I would ever admit.
I shook my head, and could feel my eyes burning with tears. "How could it Roxas? You're my brother." I said simply and it hurt to say it because I knew how much it was tearing my brother up inside. It was tearing me up as well.
I could see his eyes shining with tears, his teeth gritted, his hands forming tight white-knuckle fists. His body was shaking, his breathing hitched visibly. But I couldn't let this get any further than it had. I was making the right decision by doing this.
"But … I know you feel something." He said quietly, tears beginning to fall down his cheeks and I looked away, my anger rising inside me. "You're denying it Sora, I know you are. I'm not stupid. The way you look at me, the way you kissed me … I know something's there. You just … you don't know it. I didn't know what it was I felt either for a while. But there was always something different about the way I felt about you. I thought I knew what it was, but I was in denial too. Until I met Kairi and Naminé. I talked to them to figure things out and I did. I figured out what I was feeling wasn't natural, it was different. And then when I kissed you, Sora … I know this is crazy and everything is against us but … you feel something, I know you do. I want you to stop denying it, I want you to realize how much we care about each other and what we want from each other."
"And just what exactly is that Roxas?" I asked, beginning to cry as well, my mind repeating the word 'no' in my head over and over and over again. Incest was wrong. This was wrong. Everything Roxas was saying was right , and he knew it was wrong too, so why was he so willing to indulge in something so taboo? Were his feelings that strong? How long had he felt like this?
"A relationship, past what we have now. I want to have that experience with you. I'm admitting it." He told me, his hand touching my cheek gently as he stared into my eyes, trying to see me break, trying to see if he was right, and if he had any sort of chance at what it was he had just admitted to wanting.
I couldn't take it anymore.
I looked at him, my eyes set and determined as I slowly, but firmly said what I knew I had to say, "I don't want to have that with you Roxas. I'm sorry. But it's wrong. Incest is wrong." I wish I hadn't said the words as soon as they left my mouth.
He didn't say anything, didn't do anything except stare at me like I had just said the most hurtful words he had ever heard. And those raging oceans in his eyes were terrifying. The waves crashing and spilling down onto his cheeks, now becoming tear-stained. "I was stupid to ever think anything different." He replied quietly before rushing out of the room.
I had made the right decision, hadn't I?
.oOo.
A/N: I know the ending is kind of a downer, but don't worry guys, this is a Roxas/Sora story, and all will be fixed by the next chapter. I'm a little nervous for reactions since this is a pretty climactic scene, and one I'm sure you've all been waiting for, so I hope I didn't disappoint. Now please review if you liked it, and if not tell me why :) Next chapter will be up in a month or sooner!