"Alice saw you and called us begging me to come find you." He paused for another moment. "Bella, Alice saw you here in the meadow and.." he stopped again, hesitating, and the look in his eyes was hard to interpret. "She saw you levitating."
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, any of its characters, or anything having to do with it. I heart you Stephenie Meyer, YOU ROCK!
Author's note:
Hello Everyone! I'm so, so, so, so, infinitely sorry that it has been so long. I have a year's worth of excuses for you, but something tells me you do not want to hear them. =D We'll just go on then, as if all was well. (I want you to know I still love you, just in case you were considering whether to still love me.) I will be updating regularly again on this story. I really do know exactly what is going to happen and believe me it blows even my mind so hang in there! It might get a little bit crazy but I'm hoping for some real action packed plot coming up here shortly. So happy reading! Onward ho!
Chapter 11: The Beautiful Life the Most Beautiful Dead
In the next few days Charlie's soft spot for Alice became evident. Somehow she convinced him to let me stay with her at an "out of town camp" that was supposed to be some sort of jump-start college preparation. With Charlie out of mind Edward and I were able to concentrate on my newest changes. Not only was I still the virtual lizard and some sort of Greek Siren, I was now also able to focus my levitation for longer than just a few seconds. It become apparent that sleep and food were no longer necessary but just a comfort I could choose if I wanted. Beneath the carefully crafted smiles of the entire family I could see genuine concern over what was happening to me.
Edward and I stood on the riverbank near the great white house as night was steadily falling. The last two days had been filled with the tension of the unknown, however after the emotional scene in Edward's bedroom I was careful to mask all of my extreme worries. There was still the terror that I might never be able to change, there was still a terror over what I was becoming, however for the sake of it all and for the rest of the family I was doing everything I could to put a positive face on things. Now, Edward and I were playing around with my levitation ability.
"Focus, Bella" he purred, trying to help me stay in the air. The sound of his voice always leaked into my concentration and I fell with a light thud. I was suddenly a little more grateful for the extra padding on my rear.
I smiled a weak smile and thought I might as well try again. Since we had no real answers for anything yet, Carlisle had proposed that the best thing to do was wait and see what new situation would present itself. In the meantime he had suggested I might as well experiment and make sure we were aware of all the details of my new abilities, and any other minor details we had failed to identify.
I was still hazy as to the afternoon at the beach with Jacob. I knew I had somehow gone out of body but how? The complexity of being in a spirit form overwhelmed me and I was still too terrified to mention the information to either Carlisle or Edward. It had not happened again but lightly I had pondered whether only emotional torment such as what I had been faced with on the beach would be its only catalyst, and if so I was willing to never experience it again.
In the meantime I had become overwhelmed with a new fear. I just could not keep my concentration on trying to fly and I could see that Edward was also distracted.
"You look exhausted, Love" He moved toward me and stroked the side of my face with his marble smooth hand.
"It's so odd to feel so high strung and tired but have no urge to sleep..." I replied and he smiled knowingly.
"I could not sympathize with you more." I knew what he meant. After the week we'd had I knew that we all needed some small escape and sleep would be as welcome for him as it would be for me, if only it brought me the same relief it had used to. Now it was like a way to choose unconsciousness and nothing more.
"I think Carlisle was hoping to make another examination tonight." He tried hard to smile but we both understood how Carlisle felt. He had no answers and his compulsive policing of my vital signs was his only way of calming himself down in the face of this unknown.
I was sick of everyone considering me and what I was becoming. I was terrified. I had considered this before, this fear. I was the unknown, and while we knew what vampires were and what made them dangerous, and we knew what werewolves were and we knew what made them dangerous as well, we did not know what I was becoming, and therefore we had no way to know whether I was going to become dangerous. This alone was my worst fear.
What did I fear in this life? Not much considering my fiance and best friend were two supposedly terrifying mythical creatures. I had no fear in the face of getting killed or injured either apparently, as I was able to junk out on adrenaline by cliff diving and motorcycle riding... I had never feared much... or, more exactly, never feared for myself before. However I was utterly paralyzed by the fear of harm or pain for any of my loved ones. What had I gotten everyone into?
For one, ever since my new abilities had come to light Jacob was around more and more. I think that somewhere deep inside of him he hoped that my new self would be incompatible with Edward and I would leave him. Jacob, dear Jacob. How could I blame someone for loving me, as horrible and wretched as I may treat them? Why wasn't I demanding that he leave and trying to spare him from the monstrously selfish person that I was? For that very reason, I was being selfish. Still, a small part of me was screaming, constantly and loudly for the tall, dark, handsome man that used to be my Jacob. It would sneak up on me in the back of my mind, just an image of Jacob and I, melted into each other, lips locked, in only the most natural embrace. I kept wondering, if I did indeed belong to the forest, as did Jacob in his werewolf self, were we meant to be? But Edward and I had a love that was stronger than that, and though I knew I loved Jacob in return, I knew that Edward's love was the love I could not live without.
My biggest fear, however, was for what was happening to me. What if I wasn't some kind of harmless nymph? What if I was becoming a monster worse than any I had come to know so far? I could pose a threat to any and all of my loved ones... Sam was right to worry for the tribe, I was the unknown and like the cat in Erwin Schrödinger's famous experiment, it was like I was hidden in a box able to emerge as two different things. Until the box was opened and my change was complete, I could be considered both an angel and a monster. As the change was not complete in me yet, while the variable still existed, waiting for the answer to show up might be just too long to wait. To me, the possibility even, of an unknown monster was too much when my loved ones were at stake.
Aside from the imminent danger I myself could be, I was also putting all of the humans I loved in danger. What would the Volturi do if I could not, indeed, change? Would they visit Forks personally? Who knew how many of my loved ones would be hunted during a visit from the terrifying rulers of the vampire world? How many of my friends and family would the Volturi take down before they killed me? How many of the pack would they take down if it tried to stand in the way? I was beside myself with terror. I tried to hide the fear on my face from Edward as we walked toward the big wall of glass hand in hand from the outside.
Speaking of the pack, I was worried how the confrontation between Jacob and Sam was going. The Elders had been unwilling to meet at Jacob's command but as far as I knew he was still trying. A pang of guilt rang through my stomach. I was disgusted with myself for putting Jacob through a confrontation with his own people.
Edward squeezed my hand to comfort me as we approached the house. I felt the ring on my finger dig in slightly under the pressure and the newest wave of anxiety washed over me. Until the last day or so the concept of marraige had scared me out of my mind. Why walk down the aisle? Marriage was so mundane it was almost a mockery in comparison with the love Edward and I shared. Just recently the concept was becoming more and more beautiful. I kept picturing it, all of the stress from the last few days ruling out the dread I felt at the public exhibition, more than anything I wanted to stand with Edward and say those formal words which would bond us forever. I wanted to belong to him. I wanted all shadow of a doubt out of my mind, I wanted to belong to Edward so completely I had no way of turning back... My fear was in Edward's choice. Did he still want me? The fear inside of me was so much that I could hardly bring myself to wonder if the wedding was still on.
I was so unknown that I posed a danger to the entire Cullen way of life. What if I was uncontrollable? Would I risk exposure for his family? Would I pose a danger to them in the face of the Volturi? If the Volturi were to visit the only way for the Cullens to show their allegiance after finding out I could not be changed would be to kill me themselves and save the Volturi the trip. If not, when the Volturi arrived there would be a question as to the true loyalty of the Cullen coven and whether or not they truly had the best interests of vampire secrecy as a priority. This alone would be enough for the power hungry Volturi to destroy them!
I was shaking slightly and Edward pulled me into his arms for a moment just outside the backdoor.
"What I would give to be inside your head right now Bella..." he whispered into my hair as he held me close.
"I'm fine, Edward.." My voice was meek and trailed off slightly.
He pulled away slightly to look me in the eyes. "Would you stop minimizing? I know that you must be terrified and you have every right to be!"
"Edward please, I'm fine, there are more important things to worry about."
"It looks like you're doing enough worrying for both of us. Please Bella," he buried his nose into my throat and I could feel his sweet breathe washing over my collarbone. "Please, tell me what worries you. I can't stand to see you in pain."
I couldn't answer. The lump in my throat was too tight. So many worries. I knew I had to remind him that I could be the danger, but the debilitating fear of him not wanting me, of leaving me again... I couldn't bring myself to speak. So many times I had feared for my loved ones, but this time the pain in every direction canceled out and made it so hard for me to make the right decision. Tell him and risk him listening to me and leaving me... killing me? I couldn't even consider it or think him capable... Or not tell him and risk hurting any of them out of my own selfishness?
He knew I wasn't going to answer and kept murmuring to me, anxiety clear in his voice, his eyes a deeper shade of topaz. "I can't stand you suffering, Bella. I can't stand wondering!"
"Please!" His voice was begging now. "Please, if you love me, tell me the truth. Tell me it's only the uncertainty of this," he hesitated "situation, that has you fearful."
I pulled away only the tiniest bit to look again into his anguished eyes. The concern there was true, the fear there echoed my own.
"Of course. It's only the situation," I managed to mumble. I was a terrible liar and he knew it. I never had mastered the lying...
I saw him swallow hard and appear to brace himself under my lie.
"You want him then, don't you?" The anguish was still there, clear, his eyes black now. "Then go, won't you? Please Bella, I'm begging you, if you want him, go to him."
So that was it? He was still fearful that I wanted Jacob Black over him? Over perfect Edward Cullen? Contorted in agony as he was now, he was still my beautiful angel. I was disgusted at myself for putting him through this, I couldn't believe I had made him think that.
"No Edward! Of course I don't want him! I want you, I can't live without you! Remember when you left?" The memory made him look away from me and shudder, self hatred in his eyes.
His voice was shaking now with regret. "I would take that back a million times Bella...." and more quietly he added "Or I should have stayed away, maybe you two would have become happy..."
I corrected him, almost angry now. "No Edward! That's the point! I was so unhappy! I was almost dead! I almost did die! I have to have you! I can't live without you!" The enormity of my words hit me, and I knew, yes indeed, I had to have him.
He forced a small smile and pretended to be reassured, but I could still see a hint of anxiety. He held me close for a moment more, hands in my hair and lips brushing against the top of my head. His body was still tense, but I hoped he would believe me. After a moment he chuckled quietly and I immediately felt very calm and peaceful. The tense moment was only a shadow in the night. Edward instantly relaxed as Jasper poked his head out the backdoor.
"Carlisle is waitin' on y'all." He drawled in his charming southern accent.
I looked up at Edward guessing why he'd chuckled.
"Jasper was losing his mind at the emotional mess we were back here." I smiled. Somehow Jasper had saved us from the intensity of the moment.
We entered the great white mansion from the backdoor and surprisingly found the entire family plus Jacob in the great family room. My breath caught at seeing him sitting there so casually, his beautiful dark skinned face a contrast against the white decor and white skin of my family. I pushed his dazzling welcome smile out of my mind, focusing instead on Edward's hand in mine. We sat next to eachother on Edward's piano bench while Carlisle led in the conversation. Edward's face was already fixed as I knew he was reading Jacob's mind. He instantly began to relax even more.
"Jacob has come here to give us some very good news," Carlisle began. "Jacob, would you like to relay to the others what you have already told me?"
Jacob cleared his throat and looked around the room. "Uh, sure Doc." He cleared his throat again and began. "So, as you know I've been having it out with Sam. He thinks this situation is dangerous, I mean Bella you remember when I told you that spirit women, if that's what you are, make men in my tribe go insane."
"Too late dog, looks like all of you are already head cases" Rosalie spat under her breathe.
"Well I guess I can skip most of the details but I am the pack Alpha." I was sure a look of surprise was on my face. Edward looked pleased.
"The title has always been mine but I was unwilling at first to pick it up. I don't want to command anyone," he glanced at the floor, "but Sam wasn't looking at all sides. We have to protect people, including you." At that he looked at Carlisle expectantly and unwilling to give any more details.
Esme looked distraught.
"Thank you, Jacob, for all you have done. I know the title has always been yours but if we caused any pressure... we are so truly thankful."
"No problem," he mumbled incoherently at the floor.
"Well I'm going to go let the watchdogs out there know you all haven't killed me..."
Rosalie hissed after him, "Don't give me any ideas!" and with that he stomped out the door.
I looked at Edward in disbelief. "How in the world did he get his title, I thought more than half the pack was against him!" Edward smiled a small smile.
"He just acknowledged that it was his." I was still confused.
"The title belonged to him all along," he continued, "all he had to do was acknowledge himself as alpha and it just happened. Apparently blood is more important than anyone thought."
"How does the rest of the pack feel?" I asked, "Will they obey him?"
"They have no choice. They may not like it or agree with him but physically they can not refuse his bidding."
"Even Sam?" I asked.
"Even Sam."
"How is Jake taking to it?" I asked, concerned over the discomfort I was putting him through.
"Oh he's fine" Edward answered, a tense edge to his voice. "He wanted it all along. Whether or not he admits it, deep down his true nature would never have permitted him to answer to Sam for long. He is the true leader and acknowledging that was inevitable."
"Sooner or later he would have thought it in his head, and just made it happen?"
"The pack mind is a fascinating thing," he murmured, "for one to acknowledge something, all must acknowledge it." I nodded in understanding.
We rose from the piano bench and moved to go upstairs for my regular medical exam. Alice moved toward us.
"Bella, a moment?" "Alone." She added.
I looked at Edward who was watching Alice questioningly. He nodded once and continued upstairs without me. I turned to Alice.
"Hey Alice, what's going on?" In these last few days she had been keeping to the side, annoyed that she couldn't see me.
"I wanted to talk to you about Edward," she said quietly.
"What's wrong?" I asked, immediately concerned.
"Jasper keeps telling me that Edward just won't calm down. He's in a constant state of frenzy. He keeps asking me to check your future though he knows I can't see it." She pouted adorably and hunched her little shoulders forward, seemingly defeated.
"Are you sure you won't leave us, Bella?"
I was a little bit annoyed. This was getting old!
"Alice I promised I would never leave, I intend to marry Edward and truly become a part of this family! I love you all so much!"
Alice was quiet and suddenly my heart dropped through my stomach. I realized my mistake in mentioning the wedding. Oh God, it was true! The wedding was off until we all knew what I was, and though I should have been relieved, oh it was all safer for every one of us this way... Still I felt so... broken.
She put her tiny little hand under my chin and lifted my face so she could meet my eyes.
"Edward can't help wondering if," she hesitated, "Jacob may have worked some kind of," she just couldn't get it out. "...magic on you."
My jaw literally fell to the ground.
"What?" I spluttered, "Are you serious?" She nodded her pixie head and her spiky hair flopped back and forth while she bit her lip nervously awaiting my reaction.
I considered this. Jacob seemed quite smug lately and a little more willing to help the Cullens than I would have suspected. He seemed confident that Edward and I would prove incompatible, and this sudden leadership of the pack was so... I couldn't place it. Such a brave thing for Jacob to do out of the blue. The Quilutes seemed to possess some kind of a knowledge of magic that evaded the rest of the world, why else would they have a race of superhuman shape shifters running around their land?
I felt sick.
"No, Alice, as far as I know, this is no doing of Jacob's, that's nuts!" I smiled weakly and hugged her before turning around to follow Edward up the stairs.
A small part of me was falling, falling, falling... into that distant place where I knew my Jacob waited at the bottom.
I sat through another examination as Carlisle flitted around me, checking all of my vitals. We were all becoming more and more calm about what was wrong with me, ready to take a kind of backseat and wait for more information to present itself. Carlisle however was concerned with documenting what I was becoming and every change in my physiology was important to him. He was taking careful observation of my performance after days of no sleep or food. After several moments he sat down in his desk chair facing Edward and I.
"I have a theory," he began. "Not easy to prove, but something." Edward could already hear his thoughts and his brows were pressed together.
Edward looked down at me from where he stood behind my right shoulder.
"Carlisle wonders if maybe you have stopped ageing."
I suddenly felt elated and a wide smile stretched my lips. If I wasn't going to get any older Edward might want me after all! He wouldn't some day be married to a decrepit old woman.
Edward smiled at the way my eyes were lit up and I shone with excitement. I knew he was happy to see me happy, no, truly excited, for the first time in days.
Carlisle went on. "Now we have no way to have concrete proof because once a human has passed puberty the ageing happens so slowly that in only a few days I can only guess at its halt." He paused, "For now, I make my hypothesis based on your skin. Normally your skin cells would die and regenerate... usually the entire epidermis layer regenerates in two to three weeks. Now we only have a week to go off of, but it appears to me that your entire epidermis has already died and regenerated. Unless I am wrong, which I most certainly could be, I think that because your body is regenerating at twice the normal rate you will never age. Ageing, such as wrinkle formation occurs when your body's natural regeneration slows."
I was at a loss for words. "Wow."
Edward smiled at me and for a moment I was dazzled.
"See Bella? It doesn't matter if you can become a vampire or not! You will forever be eighteen!"
Carlisle cleared his throat and we both returned our focuses to him. "There's more."
I felt my elation die, I just knew there was going to be some kind of a catch.
"This is different than us vampires. We are frozen in time, in a way. This is why vampire women can not become pregnant. For a woman to carry out a pregnancy her body must change. It appears to me that unlike us, you are not immortal because you don't change, you are immortal because you change so quickly you remain constant."
"So I'm more like Jacob?" I asked.
Both vampires looked at each other suddenly with wide eyed expressions.
"Bella I have not considered this but," Carlisle hesitated, "have you been hurt at all in the last few days?"
I considered for a moment. "No, actually I haven't fallen down or anything."
Edward smiled. "Well a better sense of balance is a plus."
Carlisle continued, "I wonder if you are able to heal as quickly as Jacob, or nearly."
I was caught by surprise. Me? As virtually indestructible as Jacob?
"It would appear that your body regenerates as quickly as his. You know, I was hoping I could take a small blood sample anyway to review for any further oddities, would you mind Bella?"
I shook my head no, numbly. I was in a sort of haze by this point, in shock at all the good news.
He produced a small syringe and with the skilled hand of a very experienced doctor (and vampire, for how quickly he found my vein) deftly took a small sample of my abnormally sweet blood. I cringed at the sight and suddenly appreciated how strong Edward's control had become. He didn't even flinch at the smell of my exposed vein.
We all watched incredulously as the small hole immediately closed and healed over, nanoseconds after Carlisle removed the syringe.
The vampires looked up with elated expressions. I tried to feign a smile, but inside I felt sick again.
I was becoming physiologically more and more like Jacob every second. Virtually indestructible, immortal and still able to procreate?
"Whatever is going on with you," Edward muttered, "So far I love it. All the bonuses of being a vampire without the burning alive sensation." He smiled.
I smiled back, but inside I was still burning in my own river of anxiety. Even if I was as immortal as they, assuming I wasn't becoming a Quilute spirit woman to perfectly unite with the Werewolf, assuming that all of my other worries proved insignificant, would the Volturi spare my family? This was a happy new discovery, but the results of everything were still unknown and the Volturi were sure to point this out in any confrontation. I was not a vampire, and could not be, and this fell outside of their edict that I become a vampire or die. Edward eyed me suspiciously and I knew I was not going to be able to get out of his inquiries much longer.
"What's wrong Love?" he pulled me up out of my examination chair and smiled at me. Dazzled though I was, I knew I had to explain to them my worries, but only those of the Volturi.
Both looked grim when I finished relaying my worries but Carlisle looked somewhat more hopeful than Edward. "It is not a pleasant thought, to be sure, but the Volturi are not tyrants. If you pose no threat to our way of life, surely they must spare you." He was unwilling to believe ill of the Volturi but Edward did not look convinced. Still, we thanked him and excused ourselves.
One last Author's note:
Thank you, thank you, thank you, to all who have reviewed! I really appreciate you! You are what makes the world go round! (My world that is:)) So please, make my day and review here as well. You wonderful person, you!
p.s. like the cliffy? Bet you are still wondering about the pairing, huh? Is it J/B? Is it E/B? I bet you will not expect what is going to happen! Yay, I hope I'm not being mean though, sorry, just excited! Hang in there!
Love Always, Hillary