Authors note: I know that I'm rushing though the events. But we've all read the books and/or watched the movies, and retelling the entire story would be boring.
Years. Trapped for years. Knowing that I'm the only one who knew of my innocence. No. Does Severus think I'm innocent. No. It doesn't matter. No. Every day drifts by. Does it even still matter anymore. Maybe I deserve this. True I am innocent, but I broke him. Did he ever deserve the things we did to him? Towards the end, he didn't even retaliate. Just accepted it.
I saw that rat on a page in the daily prophet. The traitor. I have to get out. I have to… destroy him. He's why I'm here. I'm still unregistered. When they bring my food, I'm going to slip out. I'm going to escape and then I'm going to make everything right.
I managed to escape. Get to the castle. Every day runs together. I will capture that rat. I will make it right. I searched so much. Finally. Finally. I embrace Remus. My friend. It feels so warm. Like I'm safe for the first time in so long. I see Severus as well. His wand is to my throat. He threatens me. His words are venom. He's not the same as he was when we were students. I did this to him. How many years since I've see him? More than twelve. I want to hurt him to. I don't want to be the only one. I don't want to be the only one. But I also want to apologize right at this moment. No. There will be time for that later. Peter. The rat. I must kill the rat.
He escapes. And somehow I still get away with my life. The war continues.
I'm at black manor. I hate this place, but this is where the order meets. Severus comes as well. His words always cut. I don't know why I bite words back. I don't deserve to apologize. In Azkaban all one can do is think. And I've thought about him so much. When he looks at me I don't feel like he's seeing me. He never spares me a second look. It's scary.
I fight in this war when I can. It was bound to happen. A curse. Hit me. I can feel myself falling behind the veil, and I only think of my regrets. I did so little.
I can feel myself drifting. That's all I've been doing since I lost Severus. Drifting through a constant state of not existing. I don't think I ever existed.
It's cold behind the veil. It's dark. And empty. And again all I can do is think. I remember Severus with his hair spilled like ink around his face. I remember his eyes stealing glances at me and then looking away quickly. I remember how his face void of all emotion turned to me. I broke him. He put his trust in me and I never… I never apologized. I know that I do not deserve the forgiveness, but he deserves to know that I have always regretted my actions.
There is no day or night. Only emptiness.
I want to scream but there is no one around to hear me. I want to cry, but I don't know that I deserve to do that. I had so many chances to apologize and I just kept thinking… after the war. I hope he survives it. I hope he can find a happiness.
It's cold. And then it's not. It's dark. And then it's not. I can see light through my eyelids, but it only causes me pain. I want to open my eyes to this strange light, but instead I can feel myself falling asleep.
I can feel a blanket being laid on top of me. A pillow is slid under my head. It doesn't make sense, but I'm too tired to put the pieces together right now.
Maybe when I wake up. If I wake up.