Total Drama Returns
The Cheesebub's Message: READ THIS NOTE! Please, if you're reading and enjoying my story, I would love for you to let me know via a review. Any feedback is very helpful to making this story better. Constructive criticism is also wanted. Also, I have a poll going on my user page asking if I should start an OC story, where you get to send in characters to compete in Total Drama. If you participate in the poll, that would be wonderful. People who have reviewed almost every single one of my chapters (*cough* Punk Rockette *cough*) might have a better chance of getting their OC's in. People who review this chapter might also have a better chance of getting in. But then again, that might be bias. What do you think?
Day 3 Part 2—Chapter 11: THE GREAT QUINTATHLON Part 2
Heather: Look at all of them, competing so happily. I should be among them! And not a single person on my team is in an alliance. If I were there, I would already have Katie, Sadie, and Sierra wrapped around my finger! (She, Duncan, and Ezekiel are all watching the campers through the bushes.)
Ezekiel: No need to be bitter, eh. I'm sure that even if you were to come back, you'd probably get booted first again. You're kind of a bitch.
Duncan: Kind of? That's an understatement.
Heather: Shut up! You two don't know anything!
Ezekiel: I know what 2 plus 2 equals! Beat that, homie!
Duncan: Don't tell me you're still speaking that stupid gangster talk.
Ezekiel: What's wrong with gangster talk? Aint it hippy?
Heather: "Hip"? No it isn't, so shut up. We need to watch the game. (They peer out of the bushes.)
Duncan: Hey! There's Gwen! (He jumps up, about to embrace her, when Heather yanks him back down.
Heather: Do you want to get yourself caught?
Duncan: But… I want to give her this! (He holds up a flask of yellow liquid.)
Ezekiel: What is that?
Heather: Don't tell me that's your pee! That's disgusting!
Duncan: I thought she might want it, in case she missed me.
Ezekiel: That's really sweet, eh!
Duncan: I know. Look, now Harold's out there! Ha! Look at the dork! Pathetic, I tell ya.
Harold: Who said that? (He jumps around on his pogo stick for a couple of minutes, slicing through the air with his hands.) Whoever said that, I know tai chi!
Duncan (whispering): Hey, check this out. (He reaches into his pocket and pulls out Birdey, his pet bird spider.) This is gonna be classic. (Duncan releases Birdey, and the spider scuttles forward. Harold screams like a little girl when he sees the spider, and starts hopping around frantically.)
Harold: Gah! Relax, you Animalia Arthropoda Arachnida Araneae Mygalomorphae Theraphosidae Theraphosa T. blondi!
Ezekiel: Is that the new slang you guys speak nowadays?
Duncan: No, that's just uber-nerd language. The most disgusting language of all. He deserves this. Sic him, boy. (The spider jumps at Harold's face, and clings to his nose.)
Harold: Ahhh! Stop, you Animalia Arthropoda Arachn—(He is cut off by the spider climbing into his mouth.)
Duncan: Slapstick humor doesn't get any better than this!
Ezekiel: You can say that, eh! (He gets up and starts pointing and laughing at Harold. Harold notices Ezekiel and gasps.)
Harold: Ezeki—(He falls over, with the spider on top of him. When Birdey scuttles away, Harold is unconscious.)
Duncan: Good job, boy. (He takes a granola bar and feeds it to the spider.)
Ezekiel: What flavor was that?
Duncan: Human. It seems to be his favorite these days.
Heather: You should get rid of that disgusting creature! It's gonna kill you in your sleep someday, I tell you.
Duncan: Oh, it's tried. But I always sleep with one eye open.
Ezekiel: Cool! I wish I knew how to sleep with one eye open!
Duncan: It's just a phrase. (Suddenly, they all hear a voice.)
Alejandro: Pity shame. I wonder what happened to him. (He has demounted his pogo stick and is kicking Harold's body.)
Beth: What do you think could have done this?
Alejandro: I do not know. But I will make sure that something like that does not happen to you, my beautiful Beth! Now, tell me how hot I am again.
Beth: You're super hot.
Alejandro: Gracias. Now, tell me it again. (They hop away, with Beth sucking up to Alejandro all the while.)
Heather: What is he doing with her?
Ezekiel: I'm surprised you care, eh. Is somebody jealous?
Heather: No! He's obviously just playing her… isn't he?
Duncan: I don't know, he's looking pretty passionate out there…
Heather: Well, I don't care! Why should I care? (She turns away from the clearing and crosses her arms.)
Confession Cam
Heather: I do not like Alejandro! Why does everybody think that? Maybe I would, if he stopped manipulating everyone… who does that? (She pauses) Besides me, of course. He also needs to get rid of that creepy puppet of his. It's starting to really scare me.
Duncan: I'm not worried about Birdey killing me. I'm perfectly safe when I'm around him! Now if I only I knew where he's gone…
Ezekiel (his hat squirming around): Hm… there's something funny in me hat! Heh, it kinda tickles!
End of Confessionals
Chris (leaning against Noah, who is in a full body cast): So, buddy, how's the game been treatin' ya? (Noah glares at him, then mutters an inaudible swear word through his cast.)
Chris: Hey, that's not very nice! But I'll let it slide, just because today's the perfect day. You wanna know why? (Noah starts to roll his wheelchair away, but Chris grabs onto it and pulls him back.) I'll tell ya why. Because Chef and I are gonna go star-gazing tonight! Do you know how long I've been waiting for this? (Noah starts to roll his wheelchair away again, but Chris grabs onto it again and pulls him back.) The ten years since I've known him! I'm so excited! (Noah is finally able to get his mouth up over the cast and speaks.)
Noah: Chris, as much as you want to tell me about your gay fantasies, I kind of have a challenge I have to do!
Chris: Fine. Be that way. I don't care. (Noah starts to roll his wheelchair up the mountain. Meanwhile, Eva has made it to the goats.)
Eva: Ha! This is just too easy! (She jumps onto the nearest one and slaps its butt. Immediately, it races forward, bucking the athlete to and fro. DJ is not too far behind, in second place. He gets to the goats just a few minutes later.)
DJ: Nice goats… cute lil' goaties… please, I don't wanna hurt ya. (He tries to mount one, but it squawks angrily.) OK… not you, I guess. (He goes up to another one.)
DJ: How about you? (He starts to mount this one, but it flails at him with its hooves.) OK, not you either. (Izzy gets up to the goats, followed by Gwen.)
Izzy: C'mon, DJ, you just gotta pick one! (She picks the animal-lover up and hurls him at the nearest goat. DJ slams onto it, and the goats bucks forward, galloping down the hill.)
Izzy: Sometimes, you've just gotta have a little inspiration! Do you want me to help you, too, Gwen?
Gwen: No, I'm good. (They mount their goats.) What we need to do is talk strategy.
Izzy: Aw, but strategy's boring! Let's talk about Michael Jackson! He's not boring!
Gwen: Seriously, Izzy, we have to start choosing who we're gonna vote off, or we'll be the ones saying goodbye! I say we vote off either Trent or Courtney.
Izzy: I say we vote off Justin Timberlake!
Gwen: Um, he isn't here, Izzy.
Izzy: Yeah, he is! In the forest! I lived with him, remember?
Gwen: Well, he isn't in the competition, okay? So you'll vote for Trent?
Izzy: Who's Trent? (Gwen stares at her incredulously.)
Confession Cam
Gwen: Maybe this alliance with Izzy wasn't such a good idea. For all I know, she'll get confused and vote for me at the next elimination ceremony!
Izzy: Yeah, I'm pretty tight with all the celebrities. In fact, they even wanted me to host American Idol, but I turned them down, because I didn't like the smell of Ryan Seacrest's breath! It was just so… minty.
End of Confessionals
Geoff: Let's do this! (He gets to the top of the mountain, and demounts his pogo stick.) Now which one of you goats wants to carry the Geoffster? (He leans over and looks at one of the goats.)
Geoff: How about you, little guy? (The goat responds by eating Geoff's hat.)
Geoff: Hey! That's my replacement hat! I only have one more after that! Oh, why is the world so cruel? I can't go on! I can't go on without my hat! (He falls to the ground. Bridgette comes up behind him.)
Bridgette: Oh, great, Geoff's gone into shock again. (She picks him up and puts him on one of the goats. The goat sprints forward. This causes Geoff to fall off, and he starts rolling down the mountain, setting off land mines as he does so. Bridgette watches all this and sighs.)
Bridgette: Eh, he'll be fine. (She gets on one of the goats and slowly goes down after him. Not too long after that, Cody, Katie, Sadie, and Trent make it to the goats.)
Cody: These goats don't look too tough! (He walks up to one and flicks its nose.) Heh. That's kind of fun. (He flicks it again.) Heh. Heh.
Trent: Can you stop flicking that goat's nose and get in the game?
Cody: Fine. Sheesh. No need to have a flagpole up your butt. (He jumps onto one of them and follows Trent down the mountain.)
Katie: Hmm… how are we going to get on this thing? (They both try to mount the same one, but they can't seem to fit right on it.)
Sadie: This is hard!
Katie: Well, maybe if you don't have such gigantic thighs—
Sadie: No! Don't you be blaming it on the thighs!
Katie: Sorry. But there's no way this is gonna work! Aw, and I think my make-up's running! (Suddenly, they hear a noise from behind them. Turning around, they see two goats standing right next to each other. When the goats walk forward, the BFFs see that they're connected. Katie and Sadie grin at each other.)
Confession Cam
(Katie and Sadie are sitting in the Confessional together.)
Katie: We're so happy we're connected! It gives us a whole new perspective on life!
Sadie: Yeah! Even if all our old friends are repelled from us, why should we care?
Katie (turning to Sadie): I think my boobs have gotten bigger since we got connected!
Sadie: And I think I've lost some weight! And I'm tanner!
Katie and Sadie: Aw, we're becoming more like each other!
End of Confessionals
Cody: Say, Trent, can I ask you something? (The two are riding their goats right next to each other.)
Trent: It depends. If you're asking whether I'm the one who clogged the toilet this morning, then no, it wasn't me.
Cody: Yeah, I already know that was Owen. What I want to know is… why don't you like Gwen anymore? (Trent tenses up.)
Trent: I never liked her.
Cody: Uh, yeah you did. Back in Season 1. You two were the biggest couple to ever hit the show!
Trent: Well, I don't like her anymore! And you shouldn't, either.
Cody: I know I shouldn't. She turns me down every chance she gets.
Trent: Exactly. So tonight at the elimination ceremony… think about who really needs to go. (He slaps his goat's butt, and it charges forward, leaving Cody behind.)
Cody: Who I think really needs to go… hmm… (He is suddenly interrupted from his thoughts by a loud explosion.) Oh #$%*! I forgot about the mines! (Meanwhile, Leshawna and Courtney are standing at the top of the mountain.)
Courtney: I have been trampled, dirtied, and humiliated. But I will remain resolute! My heart will stay strong!
Leshawna: Whatever, drama queen.
Courtney: I'm not a drama queen! I am a strong, proud individual!
Leshawna: Yep. A strong, proud individual who just stepped in goat crap.
Courtney: No! These are my good shoes, too!
Confession Cam
Courtney: Chris, you will pay. You're just lucky I don't have a short temper. (She pauses for about a second, then starts going crazy, yanking the toilet up out of the floor and hurling it at the wall.) AGGHHH! I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM!
Owen (staring sadly at the toilet, which is lying in a crumpled heap on the floor): Aw, and all I wanted to do was go to the bathroom.
End of Confessionals
Lindsay: For Tyler! (She jumps onto a nearby boulder.) Now, onward, my trusty steed! (The rock doesn't move) Hm, this goat doesn't seem to be working. I'll try another one! (She mounts a log.)
Lindsay: This one isn't working, either!
Alejandro: Perhaps you could try mounting a real goat, and not an inanimate object. (Suddenly, the log starts rolling down the hill, with Lindsay still on it.)
Lindsay: Ha! It's working! I knew I didn't need help from you! Woo—(She rolls right across a land mine, and the explosion sends her flying upward, her hair smoking. She lands somewhere in the distance.)
Alejandro (beckoning to Beth): After you, my lovely lady.
Beth: Why, thank you. (They suddenly hear grumbling from the bushes.)
Beth: What was that?
Alejandro: I don't know… I'll go check. (He walks into the bushes, and sees Heather, sitting on the ground.)
Alejandro: What are you doing here? You—You were voted off!
Heather: Shh… I'm with those losers Ezekiel and Duncan right now! We're planning a revolt!
Alejandro: A revolt?
Heather: Yes, and you don't need to announce it to the world!
Alejandro: But… why?
Heather: We're sick of Chris's tyrannical rule! Now go away, you're gonna give my position away!
Alejandro: Don't you think a revolt's a little much?
Heather: Never! You always have to do a "little much" to get anywhere!
Alejandro: I have missed your fiery spirit, chica.
Heather: Why can't you just leave and go back to flirting with pig girl over there? You seem to be really fond of her, anyway.
Alejandro: Ah, Heather, you're the only person that would truly be worthy of my Mexican heart.
Heather: That's so, that's so… (They start to lean inwards, when suddenly, they hear heavy breathing. Heather turns and sees Ezekiel sitting right next to them, staring.)
Heather: What the f**k are you doing?
Ezekiel: Observing, eh. I want to learn to get it right.
Heather: Oh, so you can impress your mom when you get back home? And we weren't kissing!
Ezekiel: Then why is that weird Spanish guy still closing his eyes and puckering his lips at you? (With this statement, Alejandro opens his eyes and sighs.)
Alejandro: Alas, I knew a kiss from you would be a trophy I would never receive.
Ezekiel: Who, me? I didn't know you wanted me so badly, eh.
Heather: He's talking to me, moron! Don't you have anything better to do?
Ezekiel: You're right! (He starts picking his nose)
Heather: You disgusting fool!
Alejandro: Now Heather, don't be mean. Now, I must go, but can you perhaps meet me under the stars tonight? We'll have to do it somewhere else, though, because this place is reserved for Chris and Chef.
Heather: Fine. But only because we didn't finish our conversation about the revolt. (Alejandro nods, and walks out of the bushes. By this time, Beth has already mounted her goat and is tapping her wrist impatiently.)
Beth: What was it that was making the noise?
Alejandro: Oh, just some vermin.
Ezekiel: We aint vermin, eh!
Beth: What was that?
Alejandro: Er… the vermin can talk?
Beth: Oh. Makes sense, what with all the other crazy things on this island. (They ride their goats away.)
Confession Cam
Alejandro: This is great! Heather is on the island! Now, I will finally be able to win her heart! (He starts talking to himself.) Now remember, Alejandro, not too many beans right before the date. You know what happened last time.
End of Confessionals
Sierra: Tsk tsk, these poor goats. Of all the things about this show, the only thing I disapprove is the animal cruelty. Look at these guys! They're so innocent! I feel so bad for them! (She leans over one of the goats. Suddenly, the goat lashes forward and clamps onto her nose. After a lot of tugging, she is able to rip it off.)
Sierra: Eh, now I don't feel as bad for them. Giddyup! (She jumps onto a rather small and timid one and yanks its horns forward. The goat sprints forward for about five seconds, before it sets off a land mine.)
Sierra (as she flies through the air): Woohoo! (She lands about hundred yards farther down the mountain, right in front of Cody.)
Cody: Gah! Meteorite! Oh, it's just you, Sierra. Are you okay?
Sierra: THAT WAS SO AWESOME! I've always wanted to be blown up by a real Total Drama land mine! I can't wait to post this on my blog! (She starts running forward, and immediately sets off another.)
Sierra (as she flies through the air again): THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!
Confession Cam
Cody: What kind of girl likes being blown up by land mines?
Izzy (smoking, her hair on fire): Woohoo! Land mines!
DJ: You know, I'm actually really happy that Izzy threw me at the goat. It helped me get over my fear of hurting baby animals.
End of Confessionals
DJ (as he and his goat are racing down the hill): Can't you go any slower? You might trip and fall! (He hears a voice behind him)
Izzy: Trip and fall? I hope I get to trip and fall! (As if on cue, her goat trips and falls, and the two go tumbling down the mountain, slamming into each other.)
DJ: We don't want that to happen to us, so can you be more careful? (The goat starts to run faster, and a few seconds later, they run right over a land mine.)
Confession Cam
DJ (smoking, his face charred): Never mind. I think my fear of hurting baby animals has just been revamped.
End of Confessionals
DJ (holding his goat, which is charred black, up to the sky): WHY? (The goat suddenly opens its eyes.) You're alive? You're alive? It's ALIVE! (He starts to sob happily, when he hears another voice behind him.)
Katie: LOOK OUT! (The twins and their goats slam right into him, and he loses his grasp on the goat. It flies up into the air, and lands on Lindsay's face.)
Lindsay: Ah! I can't see! I can't see! (She rips the animal off her face and hurls it at a nearby tree. The goat slams into it, and then rebounds into Trent's crotch, making him keel over. The goat then rolls down the mountain until it lands in the lake at the bottom.)
Trent: My balls…
Lindsay: My face…
DJ: WHAT SORT OF CHAOS HAVE I CAUSED?
Katie: That's okay, DJ, you can ride on our goats.
DJ: Thanks. You're a real friend.
Sadie: No, she's my friend! Get your own! (She shoves him off their goats, and right into a land mine, which detonates, sending the lovable jock hurling away into the distance.)
Katie: Was that really necessary?
Sadie: You're my friend.
Confession Cam
Katie: Is Sadie getting just a tad bit clingy? (She looks at Sadie, who is sitting on her lap.) Are you getting just a tad bit clingy?
Sadie: No.
Katie: Oh. Never mind.
End of Confessional
Chris: One brave man's story as he faces the perils of a mountain climb! It truly brings tears to my eyes! He may be in a body cast, but he does not give up! He is determined to be a hero!
Noah: Enough with the narrations, Chris! They're getting really annoying!
Chris: But it adds drama! And who doesn't love a good comeback story?
Noah: If you wanted that, why didn't you just call this "Total Drama Comeback"?
Chris: Er, for obvious reasons. Ever been on Fanfiction?
Noah: No, and I have a feeling I don't want to!
Chris: You should go on there. There are some really great stories about you and Cody. Lots of M-rated ones, too.
Noah: Will people give me a break? I'm straight!
Chris: I think I'm straight, with a little curve in the middle.
Noah: Why are you telling me this?
Chris: I dunno. There are also some good ones about you and Izzy, too.
Noah: Wait, really? Me and Izzy?
Chris: Yep. A lot of times, they give me huge boners.
Noah: Why are you telling me this?
Chris: I dunno. One brave man's story as he faces the perils of a mountain climb! It truly brings tears to my eyes! He may be in a body cast, but… (Noah sighs and continues rolling along. Meanwhile, Owen is staring sadly down at Justin, who is still lying on the ground.)
Owen: Justin! Why did this have to happen to you? Why?
Justin: Owen… come closer…
Owen: Yes, my dear Justin, what do you want?
Justin: Owen… I see the light… I see the light…
Owen: No! Don't see the light! Please!
Justin: Carry me, Owen… it is all I have left to say… (His eyes start to shut.)
Owen: No! Don't close your eyes! I'll carry you! (He hears a voice behind him.)
Noah: THERE YOU ARE!
Owen: Uh-oh, angry Noah alert. We better run! (Slinging Justin over his shoulder, he frantically hops away.)
Confession Cam
Justin: That was too easy. I have a crazy gigantic fanboy, so what? I might as well take advantage of it.
End of Confessionals
Eva: See you all at the finish line! (She has made it to the bottom of the mountain and is running towards the pit of man-eating chickens. Running across the pit is a thin tightrope, wavering in the breeze. Under the tightrope sit the chickens, squawking excitedly and snapping their jaws.)
Eva: Easy enough. (She grabs a long stick sitting nearby and uses it as a javelin to hurl herself across.)
Eva (from the other side): This competition's mine! (Meanwhile, Harold is slowly waking up. He sees Owen carrying Justin just a few feet behind him.)
Harold: Ughh… what happened? I feel like I just got attacked by an Animalia Arthropoda Arachnida Araneae Mygalomorphae Theraphosidae Theraphosa T. blondi!
Owen: Mmm… blondie bars.
Harold: No, Owen, T. blondi is a species of arachnids. I now feel it is now my duty to educate you on the spiders and their subcategories. You see… (The screen then cuts to Chris Mclean, sitting in his trailer.)
Chris: The following segment of production has been omitted due to severe nerditude and incomprehensible dialogue. We're sorry for the inconvenience. While you wait, enjoy this sexy video of Chef wearing a coconut bra and dancing the Macarena. (The video plays, and then the scene goes back to Harold, Owen, and Justin.)
Harold: And that is all the spiders and their subcategories. So… how long was I out?
Owen: I dunno, maybe an hour. (Suddenly, a look of horror washes over Harold's face.)
Harold: My Nintendo DS… I was playing it when I passed out! (He pulls it out of his pocket, and screams.) I left it on! And now it's out of power!
Owen: So?
Harold: "So"? Is that all you can say? "So"?
Owen: Can't you just wait until we're done with today's challenge?
Harold: No! I can't! It's hopeless!
Owen: Well, I have some spare batteries, in case you wanted them.
Harold: Thanks. That'd be great. (Owen reaches into his pants and pulls two out.)
Owen (handing the batteries to Harold): Here ya go.
Harold: Uh, where were you keeping those?
Owen: I'm not sure. Somewhere in my pants, I presume.
Harold: Whatever. As long as it helps my Georgina get her life back. (Meanwhile, Sierra and Bridgette have made it to the pit of man-eating chickens, dragging DJ and Geoff, respectively.)
Bridgette (staring down at the chickens): I can't do this. You do not know how bad my balance is!
Sierra: I'm sure it can't be any worse than mine. Let's just hurl these two across, first. (They grab DJ and Geoff and throw their bodies over the pit like sacks of potatoes.)
Bridgette: Can you go first, just to make sure it's safe?
Sierra: What do you mean? (Bridgette glances up, and sees that Sierra is on the other side, already.)
Bridgette: Wait… how'd you get across so quickly?
Sierra: I'm magic that way. I'll take these two. See ya later. (She runs off, dragging DJ and Geoff behind her.)
Bridgette: Yeah, just abandon me. Real cool. (She takes a deep breath of air.) Well, here goes… (She tentatively takes a step out onto the tightrope. Immediately, her stomach lurches.)
Confession Cam
Bridgette: For one, I hate heights. And in season 1, it was my own clumsiness that got me booted! And now they're expecting me to walk across a tightrope?
Sierra: Maybe I should've stayed and helped Bridgette. Oh well! Can't change the past!
End of Confessionals
Bridgette: You can do this Bridgette… you can do this Bridgette…
Izzy: HI BRIDGETTE! (This almost makes Bridgette fall off the tightrope; she has to cling with her toes.)
Bridgette: Izzy! Don't do that! Can't you see I'm trying to get across? (She suddenly realizes that Izzy has disappeared. When she turns, she sees Izzy on the other side.) How'd you get over there?
Izzy: I'm magic that way! (She runs off, cackling madly. Gwen appears at the edge of the pit just a few seconds later.)
Gwen: Don't mind her, Bridgette. She's just a little… delusional.
Bridgette: Yep. Just a little, of course. That girl's got enough crazy to feed an insane asylum for weeks!
Gwen: For months, that's more like it. (A wind blows through the air, and Bridgette feels herself wobbling.)
Bridgette: I think I'm going to fall off!
Cody: I will save you!
Bridgette: No, Cody, I don't think that's such a good idea—(Cody is out on the tightrope before she can stop him, and is inching towards her.)
Cody: A man's got to save his fine ladies, after all.
Gwen: Cody, get off! You're just making things worse for her! (Trent comes over to the pit, clutching his groin. Gwen can't help but snicker at this.)
Trent: Don't laugh! That Lindsay is so the next one to go…
Gwen: Aw, poor wittle Trent got a flailing goat to the crotch?
Trent: I don't need any of your sass right now, woman.
Gwen: Wow, you're really not trying to hide the fact that you're evil.
Trent: I'm not evil! Why does everyone think that? I'm just bitter.
Cody: If you want the ladies, you've gotta be sweet! (He grins at Bridgette and Gwen at the same time, making him look very cross-eyed.)
Bridgette: I'm just gonna get across, and then it'll all be over.
Trent: Until you have to ride in a kayak down rushing rapids, where you'll probably split your head open on a rock.
Bridgette: Not helping! (Gathering all her courage, she shimmies her way farther and farther across the tightrope, until she is just a few feet away from the end.)
Cody: You're gonna make it! You're gonna make it! (He starts jumping up and down, making the tightrope wobble back and forth.)
Bridgette: Wait, Cody, you're making the rope—waah! (She slips, and is just able to grab on with her spare hand, Cody, however, is not so lucky, and falls straight into the pit. Bridgette listens and cringes as he tries to fight off the chickens by reciting complex math equations, but to no prevail. When he is finally able to get out of the pit, he is covered in bite marks.)
Cody: Owies.
Bridgette: Help! I'm losing my grip!
Gwen: Just pull yourself up, Bridgette, just pull yourself up.
Courtney: And can you hurry, too? I want to go!
Trent: You don't look too good.
Courtney: Ha ha. I was trampled by pogo sticks, bucked to and fro by my stupid goat, and hurled down a mountainside! Plus, I have goat crap on my good shoes!
Gwen: Karma, anyone? (Meanwhile, Bridgette is sitting on the rope, but can't seem to stand up.)
Bridgette: What do I do now, Gwen?
Gwen: Just get up on your feet! Just do it!
Bridgette: I… I can't!
Gwen: Yes you can!
Bridgette: OK. I'm gonna do it.
Courtney: And hurry up, too! You've already taken up a gigantic chunk of dialogue! I'm pretty sure it's my turn, now. (Taking a deep breath of air, Bridgette forces herself to stand up. She wobbles for a minute, and it looks like she is going to fall, but she is able to balance herself, and gets across.)
Bridgette: Whew. That was terrifying.
Courtney: FINALLY! It's my turn! (She confidently troops out onto the tightrope, and immediately falls in. As Courtney screams and lashes at the chickens surrounding her, Trent looks at Gwen and fake smiles.)
Trent: After you. (He beckons toward the rope. Gwen glares at him, and crosses it, followed closely by Trent.)
Confession Cam
Gwen: What has become of Trent?
Trent: What has become of me? In Season 1, the soft musician that everyone likes, in Season 2, the creepy stalker boyfriend with the number nine obsession
!
an'te: I...up on your feet!en?n the rope, but can'ide!. in bite math equations, but to no prevail.s! to the bat, in Season 3, the nobody who just sat in the peanut gallery during the aftermaths. And now, in Season 4… let's just say I'm gonna make my mark on this show.
Courtney: MY LIKE SUCKS! (She rips the recently repaired toilet out of the floor again and smashes it to the ground.)
Owen (seeing the destroyed toilet): Aw, not again!
End of Confessionals
Katie: This is where being connected is a problem. (The two BFFs are looking at the tightrope and sighing to themselves.)
Sadie: There's gotta be some way we can do this! (As if on cue, Chris comes out an snaps his scissors.)
Chris: We can always just cut that little bond of yours!
Katie and Sadie: NEVER!
Chris: Then enjoy falling straight into the pit. My chickens have definitely been wanting a juicy meal lately.
Lindsay: Well I'm not the juicy meal they'll be getting! (She charges out onto the tightrope.)
Chris (eyeing Lindsay's chest): Ah, an even juicier meal.
Lindsay: Don't worry! I've got perfect balance!
Chris (still eyeing Lindsay's chest): Really? I've always wondered why you don't fall over. After all, how can you lift them all day?
Lindsay: What does that mean?
Chris: Er, um… (Suddenly, Lindsay starts to lose her balance.)
Lindsay: Whoa! WHOA! (She falls into the pit, and the chickens are immediately on her. After a few minutes, she climbs out on the other side. There are two chickens clinging to her, one to each breast.) Ha! Silly chickens! (She tugs on the two of them, stretching her breasts as she yanks. Chris feels a nosebleed coming on, but tries to plug it up.)
Lindsay: There, that's better… (Chris can't help but stare at her nipples, which are poking through her top. Before he can stop himself, his nose starts gushing blood, straight into the pit.)
Chris: YEAH! I'M A PERV! SO WHAT? (He runs off, crying.)
Lindsay: I wonder what his deal was. (She walks away, massaging her chest.)
Katie: So, Sadie, come up with any ideas yet? (She turns to her best friend, and sees that she is also trying to restrain a nosebleed.)
Katie: Um… (Trying to forget what she just witnessed, she hoists her friend up onto her shoulders and starts to walk across.)
Confession Cam
Chris (his nose still gushing blood): I think I just lost a lot of my popularity.
Chef (from outside the bathroom): Oh, don't worry, Chris, you never had any.
Chris: Thanks, that makes me feel so better.
End of Confessionals
Eva: So these are the Rushing Rapids? Eh, they don't look too tough. (She hops into the nearest kayak and grabs a paddle. The moment she kicks off, she is swept away, moving at least one hundred miles an hour.)
Eva: This is gonna be too easy!
Sierra: Not on my watch! (Suddenly, something goes whizzing by Eva's head. She just barely dodges it, and it comes back to Sierra, who catches the projectile. The projectile is actually a still unconscious Geoff.)
Eva: That's cheap!
Sierra: Who cares? It's my own ammo! (She grabs DJ and hurls him at her too.)
Confession Cam
Sierra: Sometimes, when I sat at home watching Season 1 for the 7th time, I imagined kicking Eva's butt! And now my dream could come true!
Eva: Nobody will ever beat me. Nobody.
End of Confessionals
Alejandro: Beth, even if we do not survive this, I've always wanted to tell you that you're the only woman in my heart.
Beth: And you're the only woman in my heart! Er, I mean, man in my heart.
Alejandro: Please, call me a woman. They are such the greater species.
Leshawna: Yeah, enough with the lovey-dovey! Can't you see some of us are waiting to get across?
Alejandro: Oh, but Leshawna, you're the only woman in my heart.
Leshawna: Really?
Beth: Wait a minute! You said I was the only woman in your heart!
Alejandro: What? Oh, uh… yeah! You're the only woman in my heart!
Leshawna: But you just said I was the only woman in your heart!
Beth: Wait a minute… is that what you say to every pretty girl on the island?
Alejandro: No, the pretty girls never fall for it. That's why I go for the ugly girls. I mean, wait! You didn't hear that!
Leshawna: Oh, I heard that, fool. You think this bootilicious body is ugly?
Beth: What kind of two-timing jerk would do this sort of thing?
Alejandro: Please, ladies! I am sorry from the bottom of my heart! (Suddenly, Beth and Leshawna look at each other and grin. Slowly, they inch towards Alejandro.)
Alejandro: Ah, so you forgive me. I understand.
Beth: Not exactly. See, we just need something to keep the chickens busy while we get across.
Alejandro: But Beth! We—we are on the same team!
Leshawna: You're not on my team. (And with that, she picks up Alejandro, and hurls him into the pit.) Now, while they're busy, let's go for it! (Together, she and Beth run through the pit and climb up on the other side. They watch as Alejandro drags himself up as well, his skin torn.)
Confession Cam
Beth: OK, maybe that was a little harsh. No it wasn't! That Alejandro is evil! Why didn't I see it before?
Alejandro: Biggest. Mistake. Of. My. Life.
End of Confessionals
(Noah is rolling along, and has almost made it to the peak of the hill.)
Noah: This… is… retarded! Why should Chris make me do this when I'm severely injured? (Suddenly, Chris pops out of the bushes.)
Chris: Ratings. (He pops back in.)
Noah: Yeah, of course! Ratings! Ratings! Ratings! That's all this show is to you, isn't it? And now you're going to get to watch me probably kill myself trying to steer a wheelchair down a hill! How much did this thing cost, anyway? Ten dollars?
Chris: No! I'm not that cheap! That cost a good $12.99!
Noah: You imbecile! And why did you have to apply this cast so tight around my skull? It's killing brain cells!
Chris: Just go with the flow, Noah, just go with the flow. And that's what most of our campers are having to do! (The screen cuts to most of the campers, whom are now riding their kayaks down the river.)
Izzy: This is so fun! I feel like I just have to smack somebody! (She smacks her paddle to the left, right into the face of Courtney.) Oops. Sorry.
Courtney: You will pay! (She rams her kayak into the side of Izzy's.)
Izzy: Ha ha! Fun! (She reaches over and tips Courtney into the water.)
Courtney (spitting out water): You'll pay for that, you—(She is hit by another kayak, this one being piloted by Cody.)
Cody: Uh oh. Did I hit something? (Meanwhile, farther up, Eva has already made it to the end.)
Eva: Ha! The competition around here is severely lacking! (She runs off into the jungle. In Sierra's kayak, DJ and Geoff are just waking up.)
Geoff: Ouch… what happened?
Sierra: You passed out when a goat ate your hat. (Geoff rubs his head and screams.)
Geoff: My hat! It's gone!
Sierra: Yeah, that's kind of what I said.
DJ: That poor goat… all my fault…
Sierra: Seriously, you guys, stop complaining and get in the game! We have a challenge we're meant to win!
Geoff: But… my hat…
Sierra: Seriously, if you want your hat, take this one. (She takes one out of her pocket and hands it to him.)
Geoff: How do you have this?
Sierra: You think you can call yourself a Total Drama fan without having yourself a signature Geoff hat? I have every single Total Drama clothing piece there is!
Geoff: That's creepy, but awesome! Right on! (He takes the hat and places it on his head.) A perfect fit!
Sierra: Duh, it's a perfect fit! I would have it no other way! Uh oh, watch out! (She has to swerve to miss a large rock, jutting out of the water. Meanwhile, Alejandro has just made it to the kayaks, after slouching along at a rather slow pace.)
Alejandro: There is no way we are going to lose. Not if I have anything to say about it! (He hops into a kayak and starts to paddle. Right behind him is Leshawna and Beth.)
Beth: Wanna teach him another lesson?
Leshawna: Oh, yes. (The two pull up on either side of him and start ramming into his kayak.)
Alejandro: What are you doing? Stop it! (He starts to paddle, but his oar slips from his hand almost immediately.)
Beth: This'll teach you! (She and Leshawna take out their oars and start slapping him.)
Alejandro: That's it! I'm doing this the old fashioned way! (He jumps out of his kayak and starts swimming through the water.)
Confession Cam
Alejandro: Sometimes, even the finest of ladies can get on your last nerve.
Tyler: Yeah, so I was up in the sky the entire challenge. It just proves how good a pogo sticker I am!
End of Confessionals
Owen: OK, goats, lets do this! (With Justin tucked under his arm, he jumps on the nearest goat. The goat immediately breaks under his weight.) I guess that one can't take the power of Owen!
Harold: Owen, you're gonna need at least five Capra aegagrus hircus to carry your weight! (He mounts one, and rides away.)
Owen: Just five? Hm, I must be losing weight. (He gathers five of the goats and sits down. Their knees wobble, but they are able to support him.) Now, onwards! (The goats slowly, miserably slouch forward.)
Owen: That's it! Keep up the good work! (He takes out a granola bar and munches it.) See Justin? I knew I could help you!
Justin: Owen… come closer…
Owen: Yes, my Justin? What would you like?
Justin: Owen… (Owen leans farther in.) Owen… GET THAT DAMN GRANOLA BAR OUT OF MY FACE! (He slaps Owen's hand, and the fat boy's granola bar falls to the ground.)
Owen: Now are you at peace, Justin?
Justin: Almost… could you also get me some pink lemonade? I'm very thirsty.
Owen: As you wish, my Justin.
Confession Cam
Owen: I think Justin really likes me!
Justin: If there's one person I know I can always be my slave, it's Owen. Funny thing is, the whole time he didn't even realize we're on opposite teams.
End of Confessionals
Noah: Rolling along, rolling along…
Chris: Noah, mind if I catch up with you for a quick interview? That is, if I can catch you.
Noah: Hardy har har. No, you douche bag.
Chris: But don't you want the audience to know all your deepest, darkest secrets?
Noah: I have no secrets.
Chris: I bet the audience would want to know who you like! It might save you from all the Cody rumors.
Noah: I'm not telling complete strangers all about myself!
Chris: Are they really strangers, Noah?
Noah: Yes, they are.
Chris: Perhaps you have some horrible past experiences? Raped by your father? Hmmm? Bullied in school?
Noah: Nope.
Chris: Anything going on that's making you so moody?
Noah: I'm always moody, Chris. And why are you stalking me? It seems like I'm the only person you've been talking to.
Chris: I'm not a stalker! Geez! I bet I know what's bugging you.
Noah (rolling his eyes): Sure. I'm in a body cast. Take a wild guess.
Chris: Where do you think you get your sarcasm? Your mom? Your dad?
Noah: Can you go away?
Chris: Fine! Let's see what Eva's up to! (The camera cuts to Eva, who is sprinting through the jungle. Coconuts are hurled at her, monkeys try to attack her, and snakes slither across the ground, but nothing stops the powerhouse.)
Eva: You call this a challenge, Chris? I laugh at your lameness! (She suddenly sees a clearing up ahead.)
Eva: Ha! The finish line! (She starts to sprint even faster, when suddenly, she realizes she isn't moving.) What's going on? (She looks down, and sees she is up to her knees in muck.) I'm stuck! I'm stuck!
Chris (to Eva): Can't you just get out? (He turns to camera in grins.) I set this stuff up.
Eva: No, it's like it's hardening to my skin! It's like some sort of clay!
Chris: Yep. Straight from the Craft Services tent.
Eva: You set this up? You will pay!
Chris: Hey, you should have looked where you were going. (He turns to the camera and starts the sign off.)
Will Eva ever get out of the muck?
Eva: AGGGHHHHHH!
Will Tyler ever come down?
What team will be the first to have their members across?
Does Noah have any chance?
And what team will have to vote off a member in the most dramatic campfire ceremony ever?
Find out next time on
Total Drama Returns!
Note: Yes, next episode, someone will be eliminated. I'm making each day 3 parts from now on.