A/N: Thanks for the awesome welcome back to this story. I'm really enjoying the challenge of sticking to canon but also making my universe work as well, even with the way certain things are going. It's hard but fun. :)
As always even though I'm a terribly forgetful person and don't remember to do this as often as I should, I couldn't do this without hopedreamlovepray . She's always so accommodating when I send her a mad out of the blue text that says 'I think I've figured out how to deal with 3x15!' and then lay it out in detail. Usually rambling for awhile before I stop.
Please enjoy even though theres a lot of angst instead of smangst (sorry-we'll get back to the sexy times. promise). And don't be afraid to drop me a line. I love to know what you think!
It was the skittering tingle of electricity along her skin, making the fine hairs stand on end that alerted her to his presence before she saw him.
He slid out of the shadows by her front door, hands tucked deep into his pockets, mouth pulled down into a frown, but it was his eyes filled with regret that made her clip off her sharp demand for him to leave.
Instead she felt her shoulders slump in defeat and unlocked the door, flicking on the lights with a purposeful action. She wasn't going to let him hide in the dark this time.
Besides, him being back in her apartment with only the glow of the streetlights would have been too much of a reminder of how things had been between them before. Better to flood the space with light; nowhere to hide, no way to fall into memories she was trying to bury.
They couldn't go back to that, despite the fact that she could feel her pulse speed up and a faint flush begin to spread over her chest for the simple reason that he was in her presence. She screwed her eyes tight as a flash of memory assaulted her; his mouth on hers, strong hands moving down her waist, headed for a target even lower.
Felicity jerked her head up, fumbling for a second with her bag and keys and phone, thankful her heels had a strap around the ankle because they felt more than a little wobbly just then.
She heard the door shut but that was it, he didn't make another sound and she knew he was waiting for her.
And that infuriated her.
She spun on one heel, arms crossing over her middle to see him only a few feet inside her apartment. "If you're here to absolve yourself of something you might want to save your breath."
"I'm sorry."
His voice was soft, repentant, and completely unexpected.
The fire in her had been doused and all she could do was stare at him expectantly.
"I'm sorry I'm leaving again. I wanted to tell you that."
Her throat was tight and thick and for a second she was back in the foundry watching him walk away to fight a duel he wouldn't win.
"It doesn't matter to you that I think this is the stupidest thing you've ever done, does it?" she spit out. Apparently there had been a spark left inside her. "Lian Yu? Of all places you're going to willingly go back there! And all because Malcolm Merlyn told you to." the name came out as if she was speaking of something vile, but she knew he heard her unspoken hurt, the betrayal. How could he listen to Malcolm and not her?
"I don't have a choice."
Her eyes widened in shock. "No choice? Of course you do! You've been back a week, Oliver! One week where I didn't think you were dead!" she had to press the back of her hand against her lips because the metallic tang of bile had suddenly flooded her mouth.
That spurred him into motion, hands ripping from his pockets as he started towards her but she held her hand up to stop him as she took deep cleansing breaths and swallowed hard.
"Your stitches just came out a few days ago. You haven't even trained full out with Digg yet, and you still think this is the only way."
His head dropped, hands returning to their pockets and with a jolt she wondered if he kept them there to keep from touching her. It sent a flare of heat to her belly, making her palms itch.
"I have to do this for Thea. I know...I know you don't agree. I know I have no right to ask you to trust me with this. I…"
"Why Lian Yu? Why can't you train somewhere else? Maybe a place that doesn't hold all your nightmares, and that's not covered in landmines."
"Not all my nightmares." he said quickly, eyes flashing to hers so dark and intense she felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room.
And she understood. Because her nightmares no longer involved being held with a blade to her throat, or watching Oliver flatline. Her nightmares were consumed with watching a sword drip bright red blood over a snowy mountaintop.
"I can't explain it. It just has to be there. There are things she needs to know. Things she needs to understand about me and mostly about herself."
She knew the incident with Ra's agent had rattled Thea's confidence. Outside her training with Malcolm she'd never been tested. And the girl still didn't know she'd been the one to kill Sara.
Somehow Felicity felt her head dipping. Oliver was doing this regardless of her protests, but he'd still come to her before he left needing some sort of assurance from her. Her feet moved her forward until they were so close she could feel the heat of him.
It took everything in her not to rock forward, to remember what it felt like to be pressed against his chest, to recall the smell of him, that specific mix of leather and soap, and something else that was just Oliver.
She couldn't ask him to come back to her. She was past that. She'd never survive it again.
His jaw tightened, breaths nowhere near in his control as they just stood in each other's space, neither of them willing to let it end.
She more felt than heard him draw air to speak, her hand whipping up to hover over his lips, "Don't. Don't make me any promises." her voice shook, the heat of his ragged exhale feeling like a kiss as it crossed her fingers.
"I'm sorry," he said again.
She knew he meant it. She knew that if nothing else he was sorry for how everything had happened. She knew he wanted things to be different. The problem was that he didn't believe there was another way. And he'd made the decision for her, taken it out of her hands without even giving her a chance to try and fix it. But like she'd told him earlier in the foundry, they couldn't go back to how things were, and that meant more than just him calling all the shots for the team.
"The plane's leaving. Thea's waiting-" he explained, not even trying to hide his remorse.
"Be-" she cut herself off because there was nothing she could say, nothing she could tell him that didn't remind her of him going off to die. The weight in her chest settled into place, just under her ribs, and she knew it wouldn't move unless he returned.
She hadn't even realized her eyes had shut tight in a pointless attempt at keeping her tears at bay. They sprang open when his fingers wrapped around her wrist and pressed it against him, her palm open and flat over the place where the sword had been driven through his chest.
The shock of heat and electricity that flared through her at his touch left her breathless, her skin feeling as if it was on fire.
Desire and want washed through her and when she chanced a look at his face she saw him trying to fight it too.
"I know," he ground out.
She wanted nothing more than to say the hell with it and pull him into her bedroom. But they were beyond that now. Sex wouldn't fix anything. The war they were in now was for something much bigger.
"I know," she replied.
His fingers slipped between hers for a second, pushing her hand so hard into him the bones crushed together and she worried he was hurting himself. Then he moved back, two large steps and her hand hung in empty air, the phantom touch of him fading away to nothing, leaving her cold as he gripped the door handle.
There was nothing left to be said. He was leaving and she couldn't stop him.
But his eyes screamed 'I love you', and she was sure hers did the same.
He nodded once, and then he was gone.
With legs that felt as if they were filled with lead she made her way over to throw the deadbolt, somehow knowing he'd paused on the step to listen for it.
She gave herself one minute to lean against the door and feel sorry for herself, just like she had everyday she thought she'd been dead. Then she pushed off and headed for her bedroom.
Hour by hour she'd get through him being gone. She had no other choice.