"I think about losing you and I can't stand it."
The words haunted her in her death slumber. He had said them before Ilos, their first night together, when they stopped caring about the regs, and she made light of everything to avoid wearing her heart on her sleeve.
But then he had lost her, to the Collectors, Cerberus, and now to the Reapers.
"I can't lose you again."
Those were the ones that had decided her fate, though. Five words that made her choose to destroy the Reapers instead of creating a synthesis between organic and synthetic life. Because she had hoped, just a little, that she could give him the life he wanted. That maybe she'd make it out of this mess and he could have his wish.
"I'm gonna fight like hell to hold you again."
So she had sacrificed all the Geth, sacrificed - oh fuck - EDI, she gave up lasting peace for the selfish wish of having a life with Kaidan.
A wish that had been in vain. The Catalyst had been right, choosing to destroy the Reapers had killed her too. And now she would spend eternity in her guilt.
September 23rd - 2186
When Kaidan walked into the room, it felt as though someone had reached into his chest and squeezed his heart. Chakwas and her team had cleaned all of Shepard's wounds, but it had only made it more obvious how much she had been hurt. There were countless ground missions that he could remember where she'd come out of it covered in blood, but after some medi-gel and a shower, she had almost always seemed good as new.
Here was his Shepard, the woman he loved more than anything, and she was alive. She was going to be okay. It was going to take a lot of work, but in the end, she'd make it out of this good as new, just as she always had.
He wasn't doing a very good job at convincing himself.
Laying there in the clinic bed, she just looked so fragile. Fragile and part machine. There were tubes helping her breathe, tubes feeding her, tubes administering medication. He worried that it would be ages before he could hold her in his arms again, and he felt completely helpless.
He walked over to the bed and placed his hand gently against her cheek, tucking a stray hair behind her ear. Her breathing was more even now, not the raspy weak breaths she had been struggling with when they brought her in. She looked like she was just sleeping, as if she'd open her eyes if he called out to her, but he knew she wouldn't.
There was a gash along her jaw line that had been sealed with medi-gel but would definitely leave a lasting scar. Kaidan wanted so badly to kiss every cut and bruise and hold her and tell her she would be okay. He knew she wouldn't be able to hear him, and even if she would she'd just get upset that he was trying to coddle her. Instead, he placed his hand against her cheek, placed a kiss against her forehead, and whispered a promise in her ear. Then he decided to take the doctor's advice and get some rest, silently vowing to check on her every day until she opened her eyes again.
"Just don't make the mistake I did. There's always another mission. None of them are an excuse to make yourself an island."
Thane was speaking to her. Warning her against being alone in her duty. She hadn't heeded his warning. She had put the mission above all else. Shepard, the savior, the hero they all expected her to be - she had saved every individual she could, she had created peace between species, but she had closed herself off from the people who cared about her.
"Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, I ask forgiveness."
She had given her heart to Thane Krios, but not fully, she could never give him all of herself because she had already given that to Kaidan. In her final moments in London,she had known she was going to die, known she would make sure she completed the mission first, but that she would die. It was okay because Kaidan would live. He would live and find another person to love, and that person would be able to give him a stable family - something Shepard could never have. She had told him she loved him - always - that was supposed to be enough.
"You are a great protector, siha. But some things are beyond even you."
September 27th - 2186
Jeff Moreau was angry. There wasn't anything he could do about it now, and he doubted he'd ever actually do anything about it, but he needed to know why EDI was gone. Logically, he assumed all synthetics were destroyed with the Reapers. That explained the destruction of the Geth which happened simultaneously. He knew that was the simple answer. What he wanted to know was if there could have been any other way? Shepard was part synthetic, why was she still alive?
He mentally kicked himself as soon as the thought crossed his mind. If it wasn't for Shepard, he would have never given EDI a chance. Hell, he wouldn't even have a ship anymore if it wasn't for the Commander. Deep down, he knew that if there had been another way, she would have found it. She had always risked everything for the sake of others, why would this be any different?
He was significantly less angry by the time he arrived at the clinic, and Dr. Chakwas just raised an eyebrow at him before returning to the frantic wife of a soldier that was under the doctor's care. He walked into the room where he knew he'd find Shepard and had to double check that he had walked into the right room when he saw her. After a moment, he realized in alarm that he was indeed staring at his commander. All the anger evaporated, and he had to hold onto the arm of a nearby chair to keep his balance.
Shepard looked terrible. She was connected to tubes and wires and machines, and nearly every inch of her body was covered in bandages or surgical tape. There was a particularly gruesome gash along her jawline that he knew would never heal quite right. Her and Garrus would have to compare scars once she was awake, he thought with a wry smile.
Joker just stood there staring for a long moment, not quite sure what to do. His commanding officer - a woman he had worked with for nearly four years and who he had respected from day one - was lying on a hospital bed looking like death. He realized for the first time that she was not invincible. This wasn't like the Collector attack when they'd never found a body, and she showed up two years later, better than new with Cerberus upgrades. She was laying here broken, and he wasn't sure if she'd come out of this one on top.
Dr. Chakwas opened the door to check on her patient and must have seen the look on his face because she simply placed a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. He looked down at the model of the SSV Normandy that he held in his hand. He had taken it from her cabin to bring here, hoping the reminder would help her feel more at home. Now - looking at her condition - he wondered if she'd ever open her eyes to see it.
Chakwas was smiling at him.
"It's a lovely thought, Jeff," she told him, going back to checking the wires and numbers on her omnitool that were no doubt cluing her in to Shepard's vitals, "We'll be waking her up in about 10 days, I'll make sure she knows it's from you."
He nodded and set the model on the table next to her bed. He found himself lingering there for a bit too long when he heard her speak again.
"She's going to be okay; don't worry."
He was worried, but if Dr. Chakwas said she'd be okay, he'd have to put his trust in her for now. He turned and left, feeling defeated.
"Shepard. Excellent timing. Good to have you here."
Mordin. Was he welcoming her into this dark, damp afterlife? Her friend - a scientist who was a little crazy and completely eccentric, but a great friend. She admired him so much, he had been a huge part in the creation of the genophage and he had been proud of his work. But when the situation changed, he didn't think twice about making it right. He had given his life so that the Krogan had a chance.
"No apologies. Did what was right. Hope you do the same if necessary."
And isn't that what she had done? Hadn't she sacrificed herself so that humanity - no, all species - had a chance at survival? Somewhere deep down she knew that she had succeeded in that at least. The Reapers were destroyed - the Catalyst had told her she was the only one who could have made that decision.
"Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong."
Yeah, she could relate to that.
September 30th - 2186
Miranda felt odd walking into the clinic. It had been one week since Shepard had been found, and she had stayed away thinking that she'd be no use to her unconscious friend. But then late the night before, she remembered she had come into possession of Shepard's original dog tags after the Alliance had retrofitted the Normandy SR-2 but had to escape Earth before loading everything back on board. She wanted to bring them to the clinic so that she'd have them when she woke up.
She still felt like an outsider among Shepard's Alliance friends, and so, she had picked a time late at night when she thought she wouldn't have to worry about other visitors. She had been wrong. Kaidan Alenko was sitting in a chair next to Shepard's bed; he looked like he had been sleeping but he startled awake when he heard the door slide open. Miranda tried to give him an apologetic shrug, but to her surprise, he stood and offered her his chair.
There was camaraderie present with all of these people, a bond that Miranda didn't quite understand at first, but it had become clear to her one night while she was thinking about conversations between her and Shepard on the Normandy. She had said it herself 'I don't have what you do, that fire that makes someone willing to follow you into hell itself.' It was true. The woman had a fire that all around her could not only see, but could be pulled into with ease. She had this way of making you believe in what she believed, of making you want to fight her fight with her.
"Coffee?" Kaidan asked her sleepily as he walked toward the door, she nodded without looking back to him and placed the dog tags on the table. There wasn't a lot of room, she noticed. There was a model of the SSV Normandy, a Chess set that she recognized as belonging to Oleg Petrovsky.. or well, it used to belong to him. There was a glass box containing Shepard's damn hamster, a holo of a baby Krogan, and a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy. She smiled; Shepard sure was one of a kind, with a one of a kind family that always had her back.
Miranda tentatively placed a hand on Shepard's shoulder.
"Hey, Shepard," her voice was unsteady, and she hadn't been expecting that, "remember how you told me that it wasn't goodbye?" she laughed nervously, "you told me we'd both make it out alive and I believed you," she looked at her friend, silently wishing she could hear her, "you said we'd done enough running, and it was time to stop." Miranda smiled, remembering the conversation over holo when Shepard arrived in London, "Well here we both are, alive, so hurry up and get better so we can enjoy it, huh?"
She hadn't heard Kaidan reenter the room and was startled when he set the coffee down on the table next to her. She looked at him, suddenly embarrassed about the tears in her eyes, but he was smiling at her warmly.
"She's going to be okay, Miranda," he said, taking a sip from his mug and nodded, a much more confident man than he had been just a week earlier.
"I know, I just -" She trailed off, and they were both silent for a while.
"Yeah, I miss her too," he said quietly.