Hey you all,
I'm back :-) I'm not sure if that's a course for rejoicing for you…but I'm happy to be here again, although I almost wouldn't have survived the reunion with my boyfriend…he nearly threw me down the stairs :-)
The song (Sith!!! My romances end up as Angst, my angsty pieces end up as Songfics…NOW would be the apt moment to take my keyboard in detention!) is Anakin's version of "With or without you" by U2…the reason why I chose the title of the story. I know the original text is a little bit different, but well…it's Anakin! When did he ever care about rules???
I simply looked at him, trying to memorize every inch of his skin, every freckle, every tiny scar, every streak of ginger hair, and with every part of his body, a new memory came into my mind, memories of better days, memories of bad days, too, memories of conciliating, memories of shouting and cursing, memories of teary eyes and awkward hugs, memories of singing "Happy Birthday" and baking cakes, memories of trembling in front of the Council and joking afterwards, memories of chocolate cream and burned toast, memories of summer sun and sunburns, memories of fever and cold, memories of sparring and meditating, memories of embraces after nightmares and soft tissues, memories of sweet tea and sour notes, memories of triumphing and failing and the peculiar feeling in between, memories of things that united us and of things that tore us apart, and, most of all, memories of memories.
I had lost him, and I had found him, just to lose him now again. It simply wasn't fair.
"Oh Master…why?"
I laid my head on his chest, carefully not to hurt him, although I wasn't sure if he still felt any pain, and every beat of his heart was like a stab in mine, because I knew that they were numbered until this brave, compassionate, wonderful heart would be silent forever. Even through the clinic smell of bandages, medicine and sadness, his marble skin still carried the faintest, lingering fragrance of peppermint and honey, unharmed even by death lurking in the room.
He wouldn't have liked to die in the Healers' Ward, I guess he would even have preferred a spacecraft. Not even Bant, who was his best friend, could drag him to a checkup without cursing and threatening to trim his beard.
"Master? You are limping."
"I'm not! See?...Aaah!"
I helped him up while he avoided my half-amused, half-worried gaze.
"Even Master Yoda walks more upright than you."
"Well, I'm getting old, Padawan. Soon you'll have to drive me around in a wheelchair."
The next day I came home, expecting the habitual half-hearted lecture about coming home late, hoping that he'd ruffle my hair after that performance of masterly severity, and ask me if I'd like to go out for dinner, but all I found were deserted rooms.
After three hours of chasing around the Temple like mad, looking everywhere, even in the ladies' refreshers (one could never be sure enough) and asking everyone I knew (Master Windu ignored me, Master Jocasta Nu told me to look up the whereabouts of my Master, Master Vos suggested searching in the local brothels and that he'd love to accompany me, and Master Yoda mumbled something about "Always in motion, your Master is, young Skywalker.") I finally landed in the Healers' Ward, where a rather annoyed healer informed me that Obi-Wan had run a severe fever due to a blood poisoning in his left leg after a Blaster shot.
When I rushed into his rooms, surprised to not find him tied up in a straightjacket, and undecided between the options of a crying fit or a full-fledged tantrum, he just smiled at me ruefully and very, very heart-rendingly.
"I'm sorry, Padawan. I didn't want to worry you."
I almost had to handcuff him in his bed, because every time I left him out of sight, even only for a second, he jumped up like lightning, insisting that everything was "utterly ridiculous" and he felt "perfectly fine" – just to break down in my arms seconds later, pale as death and cursing like a bounty hunter.
He had hated when people fuzzed about him, declaring that he was a Jedi and he didn't need anything to eat or drink or medicine or even care, and if after this furious sermon, there were still "attempts on his well-deserved rest" (that's what he called it when he couldn't stand up, however hard he might try)he tended to mumble grim curses or even throw things, one time he had hit me with his alarm clock as I asked for the twenty-seventh time if he'd like to have a cup of tea, only to call for me five minutes later and brush my bruised cheek with rueful eyes, telling me how sorry he was for his outburst.
I couldn't hide a shaky smile. The truth was, for that gentle stroke of his thumb I would have let me pelt with the whole planet Tatooine.
It wasn't fair that he left me. There were so many things to do, so many words to say, so many moments we should share, and all I could do now was looking at his peaceful face and wait for the blighting moment when he would be finally taken away from me.
They had told me he certainly couldn't hear my words, wherever he was now, but that hadn't kept me from crying and sobbing on our first day here, begging him to open his eyes, oh please, just open his eyes for once, until my voice had cracked and I had collapsed on the sheets over his chest with red eyes and a dead heart.
All I could do for him now was to make his farewell as easy as possible, no matter if he perceived it or not, and without even thinking about it I started to sing.
See the stone set
in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
My voice was hoarse from crying, and I had never been a good singer, but I knew he would have liked it.
Sleight of hand
and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she made you wait
And I
wait without you
I don't want to think about the horrible things that happened to you on the Malevolence, Obi-Wan. I don't want to imagine tears in your sea-blue eyes as she tore your flesh apart…
I waited far too long
to look for you, my Master. It is my fault that you can't hear my
voice anymore?
With all without
you
With all without you
I didn't know the
lyrics completely, but I felt the melody tremble in my heart and I
was 13 again, sitting next to Obi-Wan in a spacecraft, radio so loud
that I felt the bass prickle on my skin and I could barely hear my
own voice as I sang along to my Master's favorite song.
Through
the storm, we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And
I'm waiting for you
You sacrificed your
own happiness for me, Obi-Wan, and you were there for me when no one
else was. You gave me everything, Master, but somehow I still wanted
more. And now I have nothing at all.
With
or without you
With or without you
I can't live with or without
you
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And
you give, and you give
And you give yourself away
You always gave
yourself away for others, Obi-Wan…and I always wished to be more
like you.
My hands are tied, my body
bruised
She's got me with nothing to win
And nothing left to
lose
You are bruised, Obi-Wan, and your hands are tied with needles and bandages. I can't see the pale freckles anymore…
Ventress took all of
me, everything I need to live, but I won't seek for vengeance. I
want you to be proud of me, my Master.
And
you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give,
and you give
And you give yourself away
With or without
you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
I
held his hands in mine as I sang, and after the last tones ebbed away
I let my head drop on his chest.
Inhaling the scent of home for the last time, with the certain knowledge that I would remember it for my whole life, because there was nothing equal in the galaxy…
Listening to his heartbeat for the last time, like a marching soldier on his last journey, let it lull me into sleep…
I can't hold on, Obi-Wan…
And then a touch on my hand, soft as a whisper, soft as a feather on my skin, and I lifted my head to see, through the haze of tears and despair, his blue eyes looking at me, his thumb brushing the back of my hand, his mouth forming mute words…
I stretched out one hand, like a sleepwalker, and caressed his cheek, unaware of everything but his eyes that refused to fade as hallucination or dream.
"Ana..kin…Anakin, Anakin…"
The word wavered between us, and my name seemed to shiver under the unexpected bliss of this voice making it sound.
There was nothing to do, nothing to say, and I held him tight until the healers dragged me away to examine him.
Sometimes there were miracles…and he was one!
Surprise?!? I hope I managed to stagger you a little bit… Well, I'm a freak for Happy Ends…but it's not the end! Not yet!