Thanks to all reading, reviewing and following. I really do appreciate it. Sorry this has taken longer than usual to update.
Disclaimer: Not mine if you've seen them on SVU.
Chapter 10
Two long weeks had passed since Olivia had left the hospital. The cuts and burns on her body had healed fast and most of her bruises were completely faded...most of them.
There were still deeper burns and cuts that would still take time to heal completely. Some cuts that had been stitched had had the stitches removed just a few days ago. A couple of bruises that had been caused by heavier blows refused to fade completely just yet. They seemed adamant to stay as painful little reminders that she certainly didn't need anymore of.
She'd been staying with Cassidy the whole time since leaving hospital, and although she hated the fact, things were still hard between them. This was mostly due to the way she was acting towards him still.
It was late in the evening and Olivia was ready to get into bed. First she was taking some meds, washed down with some icy cold water. She stood in the kitchen watching Cassidy who was lay on the couch under a duvet. He'd been sleeping on the couch since the first night Olivia had stayed. She did feel awful for having kicked him out of his own bed but he hadn't complained about the fact.
In fact he hadn't complained at all about the way she was treating him. He truly was taking great care of her. He was cooking her some great food, and she had to admit she loved his cooking. At first she hadn't wanted to eat at all and although her appetite was still not what it once had been she had at least began eating one meal a day again. Cassidy could only try in vain to convince her to eat two meals a day every day.
The previous week he'd been round to her apartment to pick her up some clothes when she had felt unable to return there. She'd lied telling him she felt too ill to travel to her apartment but truth was she was scared to go back there. She didn't doubt that he had known she was lying and he'd brought her enough stuff to last her over a month, not to mention a couple of personal items.
She had truly appreciated it. She loved how considerate he was being. She loved how he was desperate to take care of her. When he saw her trying to hide the fact her body was aching he would prepare her a hot bubble bath with candles lit around it. She loved how when she had fallen asleep on the couch he had covered her over with a duvet and sat on the floor in front of her reading having turned the game off so as not to have it wake her.
She just loved him, everything about him.
As she rinsed her glass off she began to realise she had felt so safe staying here and she knew that was mostly due to the fact Cassidy was there. She walked across the living room towards the bedroom. She froze and was about to ask Cassidy if he wanted to sleep in the bedroom with her, truth was she missed having him hold her, when he suddenly spoke first, "Good'night, Liv.."
Her words suddenly got lost and all she could say was, "Night." before she stepped into the bedroom, closing the door too but not shutting it properly. She climbed into bed and like she did most nights prayed for a good nights sleep. Her prayers were always in vain. She never ever slept well anymore.
~0~0~0~0~
The following day
Cassidy watched Olivia as they stood in the elevator together. He could see her rubbing her tired eyes, trying to hide a yawn, wincing at the pain it caused her ribs. They were almost healed but had taken their time and so were still causing her a lot of pain at times.
"You okay?" he asked her.
Olivia quickly turned to face him, she had almost forgotten he was there with her. She shook her head but said, "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little tired." Understatement of the century, she was completely exhausted.
The elevator came to a stop and they both stepped out, however Cassidy turned to the left and Olivia to the right.
"Liv, where you going? " Cassidy asked, "Barba's office is this way."
Olivia stopped to check that she had in fact gone the wrong way. "This place is like a maze..." she lied as she walked past Cassidy, now heading in the right direction towards Barba's office.
Cassidy was frozen to the spot for a moment as he wondered how fine she really was. He noticed she had been getting more and more confused like this and he had no doubt at all that it was all down to the fact that she hardly ever slept and when she did she didn't truly rest because she was plagued by nightmares. He knew he was watching her lose it and one way or another he was determined not to see her crash, and he certainly wouldn't let her burn.
He followed after her as he tired to workout what he would do for her.
~0~0~0~0~
Olivia had been sat down by Barba's desk for the last twenty minutes, answering his questions as they prepared for Lewis's trial.
"Let's start from the beginning again..." Barba said.
Cragen was in the room along with Cassidy. The two men could only watch on as Olivia struggled to answer Barba's quick fire questions. She knew he was just preparing her for the way Langan would question her. She knew Langan's style and she liked to think she could cope with it....but right now she wasn't so sure.
"...What time did you arrive in your apartment?" Barba continued.
"It was late..." Olivia replied.
"...What time exactly?" Barba interrupted.
"Eight o'clock, I think."
"You think or you know?"
"I'm not sure. I left the precinct, went to the grocery store..."
"...Did you see or talk to anyone." he said, barely letting her finish what she was saying.
"No." she snapped.
"When you got to your apartment did you noticed anything suspicious? Was the front door ajar perhaps?"
"No, I used my keys to gain access and once inside put them, my groceries and my cell phone down on the worktop."
"Okay. When did you realise Lewis was in your apartment."
Olivia blinked and images of that moment began playing before her eyes. She had put the groceries, her cell and her keys down and then heard a noise. She had called out, thinking it may be Brian, she had stepped out of the kitchen and suddenly had a gun thrust in her face.
"Did he say anything to you?" Barba asked.
The images continued, 'Welcome home Detective Benson..." Lewis said to her with a smirk that made her blood run cold.
"Detective Benson!" Barba said in a raised voice, trying to bring her out of her thoughts.
"He said welcome home." she said before she looked down at her hands and noticed how badly they were shaking. She quickly held them together in an attempt to make it less noticeable to the others, but it was pointless as they had all already noticed.
"Then what?" Barba asked.
"There was a struggle. I tried to get free, he managed to restrain me. He told me that Brian had called to say he would be out of town for a few days, then the phone rang, the machine picked up a message from my Captain to reiterate that I had two days off. Lewis knew he had that amount of time with me before anyone would suspect anything."
Cragen sat listening, suddenly feeling sick. He wished he had never called her, never mentioned the two days off. If he hadn't then perhaps Lewis wouldn't have done what he had. Then again, he knew those feelings were a little misplaced as Lewis surely would have taken Olivia elsewhere if he thought someone would be round to check on her sooner, but he still couldn't help but feel guilty.
"Then what?" Barba asked quickly.
Olivia put her hand to her head and rubbed her temple in an attempt to rid herself of the headache she could feel forming. "Err, he...we...err." Olivia closed her eyes and tried to remember but it was all a blur.
It was common in victims to forget things, for shock to force their minds to store away memories that were too difficult to deal with. She knew this was what was happening with her and it killed her that she couldn't remain focused enough to pull the memories forward.
"He tied me to the bed. I think he burnt me..."
Cragen opened the file with her statement in it. He knew this was wrong and quickly reading over her statement told him he was right. He knew that before Lewis had tied her to the bed he had tied her to a chair. There he had burnt her and orally raped her... "Liv, try to rethink that?" he sad, trying to sound encouraging.
Olivia looked at him and saw the file in his hands, she knew she had got it wrong. She closed her eyes again but all she saw was herself tied to the bed and Lewis raping her. She shook her head and shook the images from her mind. She cleared her throat and said. "He tied me to bed and he raped me. Then he ordered pizza." she said.
She quickly glanced at Cragen whose facial expression told her she had got it wrong again. She sighed heavily then rubbed both hands over her face. She forced back tears of frustration. "He told me I had to stay quiet or he would hurt the delivery person..." Surely that was right...?
Cragen shook his head. "Not quite, Liv."
"Olivia, that came later. We need to talk about what came before that?" Barba said.
"I thought had come next." she said, sounding more than frustrated.
"No. Tell me what happened after the phone calls, the messages?" Barba asked again as he held a copy of her statement in his hands.
Olivia once more tried to think as hard as she could. "I got to the bathroom..." she began.
Barba sighed a breath of relief. "Yes. What happened then?" he said feeling a bit more positive that she was on track now.
"He passed me his gun and told me to shoot him..."
Barba slumped down on the edge of his desk and sighed. He had thought she was back on track but she wasn't. She had the timeline so jumbled in her head he wasn't sure she would ever get it right.
Olivia knew by his and Cragen's reaction that she had gotten it wrong again. "I'm sorry. I just need a minute to think."
"I'll give you ten." Barab said with a smile as he stood up and placed a supportive hand on her shoulder, just for a second before she had chance to shrug it off. "I'm gonna get us all some coffee's." he said before he walked out. Cragen quickly followed after him.
Olivia looked over at Cassidy and he could see the tears in her eyes. He offered her an encouraging smile but he wasn't sure it helped much.
~0~0~
Cragen stepped out of Barba's office and saw the ADA standing at the end of corridor by a window that looked out over the city. He walked over to join him by it and for a moment both men stood there feeling as glum as each other.
"I don't think I need to tell you that that did not go well." Barba said to him.
"I've seen her better under pressure." Cragen said trying to make light of the situation.
The look Barba gave him told him there was no way to make light of this. "We need to help her get her story straight or we're screwed."
"What are you saying?" Cragen asked in a tone that said 'how badly are we screwed?'
"I'm saying no judge will see her as a reliable witness in that state of mind. She can't remember the events that took place or what order they took place in and she will be torn apart by Langan when he realises that too. I'm saying we have to get her help or I risk letting this prick walk again."
Cragen couldn't miss the guilt in Barba's tone, "We all made mistakes last time that led to him walking, not to mention this snake has unbelievably good luck when it comes to squirming his way through loopholes. We won't let him do it again and Olivia sure as hell won't."
Barba smiled a little, he appreciated Cragen trying to make him feel less guilty. It didn't completely work but that was something he would resolve with Olivia when he worked up the guts to apologise to her.
"Has she seen a therapist yet?" Barba asked.
"There's one whom she's been appointed to but she hasn't seen him yet."
"I think it's time she should." Barba said matter-of-factly.
~0~0~
Cragen and Barba had returned with coffee's for all of them and a determination to persuade Olivia to go see the therapist. She had taken the idea as well as they thought she would have...badly.
"I don't need to see a therapist!" she argued as she paced Barba's office.
"Olivia, how many victims do you send to this guy, you know he's good. You know therapy works." Cragen argued back.
Olivia just scoffed and shook her head. True she had sent victims to him in the past but that didn't mean she wanted to go speak to him. All she really wanted to do was go to bed, sleep, wake up and have all of this having been nothing but a dream.
"Liv, this guy could help." Cassidy said. It was what he was going to have tried talking her into anyway, so having Cragen and Barba suggesting it too was perfect. He knew it would do her good to talk to someone about what happened as she certainly wasn't talking to him or anyone else
"Liv, this is going to be blunt but I think it's what you need to hear," Barba began, "You go on the stand and answer questions like you have today and this case is gonna go down hill faster than a wrecking ball."
Olivia knew he was right, but he was also right on the fact his words were blunt. She hated to think that she could be the one who would make it so easy for Lewis to walk again.
"Until you get some help, have someone to talk to ,you're not okay to be a reliable witness." Barba said, trying to sound less blunt now.
"I'm fine." Olivia told him firmly. "I'm just tired." she added.
"That's because you never sleep, Liv." Cassidy suddenly announced. "Talking to this guy might help you get some of the shit you went through off your mind. Talking to him might help you make sense of it all. Maybe then you'll sleep the way you need to." Cassidy said to her.
"Liv, I spoke to this Dr when we were getting coffee. He said he'll see you today." Cragen told her.
Olivia sighed heavily and then nodded her head. She'd do it if it meant she didn't have to see Lewis walk. If he was a free man...then she truly would never sleep again.
~0~0~0~0~
Olivia had sent many victims to Dr Lindstrom but she had never seen the man, never stepped foot in his practice., only ever heard his voice over the phone. Now she was here she was surprised how comforting it was. It was nicely decorated, well lit and most important...it felt safe here.
Dr Linstrom was not what she had imagined he would look like. He was a tall man with friendly eyes and a welcoming smile. He was well dressed, clean shaven and his hair was neat. He sat far enough away from her to not be intimidating but close enough for her to feel like she wasn't alone here.
After he was done after introducing himself and telling her a bit about how he liked his sessions to work, he asked her if she had anything she wanted to say. Her reply had been, "I don't really want to be here, but I have to be."
"Why?" he asked.
"Because I can't keep my head straight anymore. I'm slowly falling apart...in fact I'm rapidly falling apart. Trial starts next week and I can't even answer questions about what happened. right"
"You don't need me to tell you that its common for survivors to put memories in another compartment of their brain. They mentally tell themselves they'll go back to them later and deal with them but those neglected memories start eating away at you pretty quickly..."
Olivia nodded, "It's like my head won't let me remember them but it also won't let me forget them...which makes no sense, I know."
"That's your head trying to protect you."
"I know...I just wish it would stop. I need to make sense of it all."
"Do you really believe you ever will?"
Olivia shook her head as tears filled her eyes. "No, because it doesn't make sense that I was so stupid. That instead of taking out my gun I walked through my apartment unarmed when I thought someone was in it. It doesn't make sense that I didn't fight harder against Lewis"
"Looking through your file and reading your statement I'd say you fought back pretty hard."
"Not hard enough."
"I think you need to remind yourself that in the situation William Lewis put you in you were no longer a Detective, you were a victim. William made you into one, you didn't and nothing you think you did or didn't do made you one either. I think you need to remember that William Lewis tried everything to break you and ultimately put a bullet in your head to kill you, yet here you are. I think that makes you the strongest, or the most stubborn, person I've ever known." Lindstrom said, making Olivia laugh. She knew she was stubborn as hell.
"I think you need to give yourself a break. I think you need to talk to the ones around you and me. I'd like to see you again if only so you can tell me in a week that this scumbag is going down for the rest of his life." Lindstrom said.
Olivia smiled and said, "I'd like that."
~0~0~0~0~
After her session, during which Cassidy had been waiting outside in the car for her, they had returned home. Cassidy had cooked her some amazing food and for a while they had both sat watching TV together. Although they had sat at opposite ends of the couch Olivia had liked feeling so close to him again.
After a while she had showered and decided that it was time for her to attempt to get some sleep. It had been a good hour or so since Olivia had gone to bed but Brian had been unable to sleep. It wasn't that his couch was uncomfortable, it was actually really comfy but he always lay awake for as long as possible at night so he could listen out for Olivia crying in her sleep.
This had been the longest she'd gone without making a sound so he figured it was probably okay to try and sleep now. He grabbed the remote, turned the TV off and the room fell into darkness. He shifted down under the duvet and let let his tired eyes drift shut.
He wasn't sure if he'd been asleep for a minute or for an hour when a blood curdling scream pierced through the darkness. He was on his feet and charging towards the bedroom before the scream had fully registered. "Liv!" he cried out as he ran into the bedroom.
As usual the lamp beside the bed was on so the moment he entered the bedroom he saw Olivia thrashing in the bedsheets that had become tangled around her body. She was still half asleep but tears were streaming down her face. "No!" she screamed, "Please, stop!"
Cassidy couldn't stand back and watch. He walked over to her and sat on the bed beside her, he placed one hand on her shoulder and one on her side and loudly called out her name, "Liv!" He was desperate to wake her from her nightmare.
His touch alone was like an electric jolt to her body that woke her. She looked scared to death until she saw it was him and then she just began to cry as she struggled to get herself free from the bedding.
"Shh, it's okay." Cassidy told her as he helped unravel her.
The moment she was free he expected her to dive off the bed away from him so he was completely shocked when she sat up, threw her arms around his neck and held him tighter than she had ever held him before.
"Hey, it was just a dream. You're okay." he told her soothingly as he gently wrapped his arms around her, not wanting to hold her too tight and freak her out.
She only held him tighter as she cried into his chest for a minute longer. He wished he could so something to soothe her more, something to stop her nightmares all together, take all her pain away. "It was just a dream. He can't hurt you anymore." he whispered to her again.
She suddenly pulled back but reached up to hold his face before she rested her forehead against his chest. "It wasn't just me this time. He shot you right in front of me when you tired to save me. He raped me as I watched you bleed to death. I begged him to stop, to let me help you."
"Oh, Liv." he said as he kissed the top of her head.
"It felt so real. The thought of you dying and leaving me..." she confessed before more tears burst their banks.
"Hey," he told her, "I'm not going anywhere. You don't get rid of me that easy. Like it or not you're stuck with me." he told her playfully, he was surprised to hear her laugh a little. He'd missed her laugh.
She pulled away again so she could look into his eyes. Cassidy reached up and a little hesitantly reached for her face so he could gently brush away her tears. He was happy and shocked that she wasn't pulling away from him.
"I'm glad." she told him, "I can't imagine my life without you in it anymore. I'm so sorry I've been so hard on you the last few weeks."
"Liv, I think you have every right to act the way you have."
"You didn't deserve it."
"I kinda feel like I did." Cassidy replied.
"What do you mean?" Olivia asked, confused.
"If I hadn't acted like a jerk we wouldn't have argued and we probably would have spent those two days together and Lewis would never have hurt you."
"Bri, chances are if you had been there Lewis would have killed you or he would have waited until you weren't around until he attacked me. Lewis was determined to make me pay for standing up to him."
"I still wish I would have called round and spared you what hell he put you through. I wanna put a bullet in his head, but first I wanna beat the living daylights out of him and burn him and cut him..."
"Get in line." she replied.
"Liv, I totally understand if you don't want to tell me everything that happened with him in your apartment but if you did wanna talk about it I want you to know I'm here and I'd listen to you."
Olivia smiled at him and said, "Trial begins next week you're gonna hear all the details then anyway. I'd rather you hear them from me first." she told him.
~0~0~
Olivia had decided to tell Cassidy everything that had happened. She had lay in his arms, face to face, as she told him every brutal thing Lewis had put her through and Cassidy had listened to every word. He had held her when she had stopped to cry and kissed her head in order to soothe her.
When she was done they had simply lay in one another arms. Olivia had then moved her full body into Cassidy's and had kissed him. She had missed his kisses. She had forgotten that kisses could be gentle and loving. She had forgotten how amazing Cassidy's lips felt against hers.
Feeling loved and safe in his arms she had felt her eyes drift shut, just before she fell fast into a deep sleep she whispered to Cassidy, "I love you, Brian."
Cassidy smiled and kissed her hair before he whispered back, "I love you too, Olivia."
In one another's arms they fell fast asleep and both slept peacefully through the night.
~0~0~0~0~
One week later
Olivia felt sick she was so nervous. Her hands were shaking like leaves in a violent wind and her heart was beating so hard in her chest it felt like it might burst right through. She turned on the tap and splashed cold water over her face and neck. She felt so hot all of a sudden.
She glanced up at her reflection in the bathroom mirror and simply stared at herself for a moment. She almost jumped out of her skin when in the mirror she saw Rollins walk in to the court house woman's bathroom behind her.
"You ready?" Rollins asked her.
"Will be in a minute." Olivia replied with a weak smile.
Rollins smiled back and decided to wait outside the bathroom for her. Alone again Olivia turned to look at herself once more.
"Breathe Benson..." she told herself, "You can do this."
The truth was she really wasn't sure if she could do this. She wasn't sure if she could face Lewis, The Beast, again. She wished she never ever had to see him again, but this trial had to happen in order for him to be locked behind bars for good. Her daily sessions with Dr Lindstrom were going well and when she and Barba had gone back over trail preparations she had done amazingly.
"Just keep breathing...You can do this." she told herself as she turned on her heels and left the bathroom.
~0~0~0~0~
"All rise for the honorable Judge Rowan !"
The court erupted into sounds of clothes rustlings, heels stomping on hard wood floor, chairs scraping then once more silence as the judge walked in. Once Judge Carter was sat he gave his permission for everyone else to sit as well.
As they did Olivia glanced over at where Lewis stood next to Trevor Langan. Her heart skipped a beat when he turned and looked over his shoulder, his eyes locking on hers, for just a second before he blew her a quick subtle kiss and turned away from her with his usual smirk on his face.
Olivia wanted to run from the court room as quick as her legs would allow her but Nick whispered into her ear. "You'll be the one smirking when that prick is sent away for good."
Olivia smiled slightly and Nick took hold of her hand and guided her back down onto the bench. Cassidy then took hold of her other hand and Olivia gripped his tightly as opening arguments began.
TBC
For the record this might not follow proper court proceedings but it will go the way it goes for entertainment purposes.
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