I checked my driver's license and I am not SM. I do like playing with Jasper and Bella a lot though.

Chapter 10

Real time post funeral

Bella POV

Numb. I just wanted to feel numb. Ever since that phone call I got in the middle of the night, I just wanted to not feel a damn thing. I wanted to run and hide from the news or forget. I wanted to forget how guilty, sad and awful I felt. I was probably the worst daughter in the world for thinking that way. It was supposed to be a happy time for me, a beginning of my adulthood. I was supposed to be picking out things for my dorm or apartment, not burying my dad.

When I got home, after spending a few hours at the wake, I carefully placed his flag and badge up on the mantle and brushed my fingers across them. Next to it, I placed the baseball that I gave him a couple months past. That baseball game seemed so long ago. I looked around the house, it felt so different, so empty now.

My arm started to throb, reminding me that the the pain killers had long worn off. The pills helped me get through the funeral earlier though I think it left me a little out of sorts. I unwrapped the gauze bandage to check the damage and hoped I didn't pop my stitches from earlier today. The gash was now healing and no longer the angry red from a few days ago. It wasn't bleeding either so I just left it alone and made a point to go get them removed tomorrow. I looked at the window in the living room remembering how I had punched through it in a fit of rage. The window was replaced, the gash was healing and soon, all that would remain would be a faint scar. I knew it was more though, the physical scar would probably go away, fade just as my other various scars I've received over the years but the emotional scar of my father's death was something that would never fade. I looked at the crescent mark on my wrist and realized that this was just like the bite mark and would never disappear or fade.

I got up and climbed up the steps. It felt like the weight of the world fell on my shoulders. There was so much to do and yet at the same time, I didn't want to do much of anything. I sought solace in the shower as I hoped it would wash away the pain but it didn't do anything to stop the ache in my chest. When I got out of the shower, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot and swollen from having cried so much the past few days. There were dark circles were under my eyes from the lack of sleep. I looked like I had aged a decade or two and I felt it.

I headed to my room and grabbed an old t-shirt and shorts to wear before going back downstairs. I forced myself to eat dinner not really tasting my food; it could have been cardboard for all I knew. I grabbed a glass of water and headed back to the couch and I tried not to look at the mantle. I reached for my glass and drank not really paying attention and ended up spilling water on my shirt. The cold water startled me and I as I looked down to try and blot out the excess water, I noticed the logo on the heather grey t-shirt, 'Forks Police Department'.

The tears flooded my eyes once more and I curled up on the couch and cried for hours, my hand clutching over my heart and my knees drawn up so I could hug them tightly against me. I felt like I was falling apart at the seams, the last few day's events kept replaying in my head and I couldn't make it stop. More tears fell and the haunting sounds of the bagpipes were the last thing I remembered.

Filtered daylight hit my eyes when I woke up to a pounding in my head. No, it wasn't pounding in my head, though all that crying did give me a headache. Someone was knocking at the door.

"Coming," I rasped out not caring about my appearance as I grabbed my head and stumbled to the door.

"Bella, I've been knocking for several minutes," Renee huffed as she walked into the house with Phil in tow.

"Come on in," I whispered cynically and pushed the door closed so it made loud noise causing me to grab my head again. I was starting to get upset that she had to start in on me like this. What was her problem?

"I am going to make some coffee, want some?" I asked and headed into the kitchen. I really didn't care if they wanted coffee or not, I planned to make myself a big pot of it and drink it all today as I tried to figure out what to do.

"We had breakfast earlier, but thanks," Phil said as the two of them sat down on the couch.

"Bella, you're not going to sell the house are you? Are you still planning to move to Texas? I think you need to move to Florida." Renee said as I counted to ten in my head in an effort to calm down.

"Can we please not get into this now? I just got up and I am in need of coffee," I said as I walked up the stairs and tried to make myself look half way decent, buying time until I got my daily dose of caffeine.

I threw my hair into a messy pony tail and didn't even bother changing. I didn't care what I looked like and frankly, my mother was pissing me off with her attitude.

By the time I got back downstairs, the coffee had brewed and I ignored them as I went back into the kitchen. I took a deep breath, inhaling the aroma before I took a few gulps and closed my eyes. I could practically feel the liquid enter my blood stream and course through my veins as I slowly started to wake up.

"Bella, did you hear me?" Renee continued.

"What Renee?" I growled out. "What is your problem? I just buried my father yesterday. He died less than a week ago. Why are you doing this?"

I couldn't help but lash out at her. Much of the anger and hostility had been building up ever since that car accident. I knew she somehow saw me as the cause but I wasn't the one arguing on the phone while driving. There was instant hostility between the two of us as soon as I woke up in the hospital bed. It wasn't like I didn't suffer. I was recovering all summer long and she was only a patient for a few days for a possible concussion. Ever since then, we no longer saw eye to eye completely again. And now here we were at some sort of precipice or so it seemed. I didn't need this hostility. What I needed was support and it angered me that I didn't think I'd get it from my own mother.

She stood up and glared at me. "Doing what? I flew out here. We flew out here when we got the news. We dropped everything and flew out here for you," she sneered with her hands on her hips.

I then realized that was the problem. She saw me as a burden. I inconvenienced her and her new life.

Well fine.

"Look, I don't want or need your hostility. If you want to stay and help me get this house ready to sell and stuff that is fine. Otherwise, get the hell away from me," I gritted out.

"Isabella Marie! You apologize to me. I'm your mother!"

I stopped and took a few steps towards her until I was not quite an arm's length away from her. "I don't think you know the meaning of being a mother, Renee. Thank you for coming. Now leave." I continued to glare at her and she looked at me for a brief moment.

"Fine, don't come crying to us if you need our help again," she said and stomped out of the house.

"You shouldn't talk to her like that," Phil said quietly. "She's been going through some things. She cares even though you don't think so."

"She has a funny way of showing it," I replied coldly. "Ever since she got here, she's acted like she's doing me a favor. No, I don't need that in my life. I'm tired of being walked over, Phil. If I am going to have some semblance of a normal life, I need to do this. I'll still email on occasion but I no longer expect her to reply back. It isn't like she has been responsive for a while."

"For whatever its worth, I am sorry about everything," he said and looked as though he was going to reach out to give me a hug but hesitated and walked out the door instead. I listened to the murmurings of the two as he must have tried to calm her down. I rolled my eyes as I heard the word "ungrateful" and the phrase, "I gave her everything" from Renee. My arms were crossed as I stared out the window at them as he finally got her into the car and drove away.

I wasn't entirely pleased that I managed to isolate myself further by severing my ties with Renee but I thought it was simply best given all that transpired. The fact that she acted like I ruined her plans really bothered me. I needed her support not her condescending attitude. If she was back to being my flighty mom, like it was when I first moved back to Forks, I would have accepted that and embraced it, but things changed once again after I was dumped by the Jerk. I mean, I went to Phoenix thinking she was in danger at one point, I just didn't understand. Was I that bad of a person that people wanted to leave me?

The sound of the coffee machine sputtering brought my attention back. I looked at the clock and realized I had some time to get the stitches removed before noontime. I knew Dr. Mathers was going to stop by soon to check in on me. I think she really thought I might have been trying to harm myself when I punched through that window. I appreciated that she helped take me to the hospital to get stitched up and all but I really didn't want to hurt myself. I was angry and reacted badly after everybody telling me how sorry they were. It just brought back some bad memories that I wanted to forget.

I refilled my mug and headed back upstairs to change into something more decent. As I got out of my bedroom, I took a glance at Charlie's bedroom and felt the heartache once more. I walked over and before I even got to the threshold, the scent of his aftershave flooded my senses causing tears to well up. I wasn't ready to go inside just yet, I didn't have the strength to. Instead, I quietly shut the door, resting my forehead against it after I heard the soft click of the door closing.

I heard the sound of the doorbell and went back downstairs hoping that it wasn't Renee or Phil once again. I looked through the peephole and it wasn't anybody I recognized.

"Who is it?" I called from behind the door.

"Bells? I'm Sam from the reservation. I work at the garage with Jake. I've got your car."

I opened the door and the man looked at me and then the paperwork. "Um... hey. I just got the paperwork and Uncle Billy asked that I dropped it off."

I could tell he was a little uncomfortable being here given how my dad often visited the reservation. So often in fact that I often heard he considered Billy his brother.

"Thanks, do I need to sign anywhere?" I asked and smiled, trying to be as sociable as possible when a part of me really just wanted to crawl into a blanket and hide from the world.

"Yep here," he said and pointed to a couple lines. "Say, are you planning to sell the red truck?"

"It is probably near it's last tire, Sam," I replied as I tried to recall what Jacob had said about the truck. "I think the engine's seizing?" I had remembered hearing that term thrown around when describing the truck and hoped that made sense.

Sam chuckled. "Yeah, Jake's told me about it. I have a cousin at a nearby tribe who likes to overhaul cars and turn them into hot rods."

"Um, okay, sure, what do I need to do to sell it?" I asked not really understanding everything he just said.

Within a few minutes, I signed over Ol' Bessie's title and I was given a check for a thousand dollars for it. I thanked Sam and closed the door. The visit from a tribe member had me thinking about yesterday and I was suddenly compelled to fix something that bothered me about yesterday.

It took four rings before the gruff voice answered, "Hello?"

"Billy?" I squeaked out and cleared my voice before continuing. "Hi, it... it's Bella."

I heard a soft gasp before he continued. "Bells, how are you?" his voice softened from the initial greeting.

"I'm still holding on," I replied honestly. "Look, about yesterday when I saw you and Harry. I am... I... I'm sorry if I was rude," I stuttered. I felt bad because they were Charlie's best friends and I was so torn up and slightly fogged up in the brain from the pain killers that I could barely talk to them, much less look at them.

"Hey, it is alright," he said gently. "We understand that it wasn't easy."

"It wasn't easy but I had no right to be rude like that. You two were dad's best friends and deserved more. I barely acknowledged you and that wasn't fair, so I need to apologize," I said quietly and paused for a few seconds. "Thanks for getting Sam to deliver the Blazer by the way. I really appreciate it. I just wished he was here to see it too." I took a deep breath. "Look, the other reason why I called was to see if you and Jacob would like to come over the day after tomorrow? Harry too if he'd like." I shut my eyes and gathered my strength in order to say the last part. "I... I might need your help with settling his affairs."

"Oh... is Renee being difficult?"

"Yes and no. Yes she was so I gave her a piece of my mind and no, she's gone so I doubt she'd want to help me."

"Sure, we can be there the day after tomorrow. Is noon alright? We've got some tribal business later that evening that we can't get out of."

"No that is fine and thank you," I said and hung up.

I reached into the pantry and pulled out some crackers to nibble on. I wasn't really hungry but I didn't want to make myself sick over this.

After that, I took the keys and got into the Blazer. It was a strange feeling since I knew Charlie had gotten me the car but the fact that he wasn't here when it was delivered, it didn't feel as heart breaking, just a little surreal. It was a smooth ride as I headed over to the hospital to get the stitches taken out. I played with the stereo, picking my stations and was happy that it even had an adaptor for my iPod.

When I got to the hospital, I heard that the truck driver who ran into my dad was still in a medically induced coma and was not expected to ever recover fully. I shrugged when I got that news and ignored the condolences, opting to just tune them out. I didn't care about the driver and his condition. I really didn't because nothing was going to bring my dad back. I practically stormed out of the hospital afterwards and grabbed a coffee on the way back.

An hour later, Dr. Mathers came by and we talked for a few minutes. I wasn't really in the mood to talk about the past history about Renee but I told her instead that her attitude just from this trip alone drove me to say some harsh things and that it ended with my mother walking out the door. This was the first time the doctor made things feel more clinical than before as she listened to me and asked about how I was feeling otherwise. The doctor suggested that I could continue with formal counseling here and she could even refer me to someone if I wanted to go to find someone after my move. I told her that I'd think about it and that maybe I just needed to get some sort of closure. She said it was a good idea but to do it when I was ready and not rely on an artificial time table.

I thanked her and reassured her that I was going to be fine. She said that she will check-in in a couple days but that she was always a phone call away. I wasn't sure what to think of that and a part of me really wanted to tell her to just "fuck off".

For the rest of the day, I just lounged around on the couch and flipped through the channels aimlessly, as I tried to get out of the dark mood I was in. It was the middle of the afternoon and the sun was shining bright. A beam of light hit the couch as I laid there and watched some home show. The sun's rays must have hit at the right angle because I noticed the soft shimmer of my skin where the bite mark was. That brought my thoughts back to that family that abandoned me.

I wondered if some of my hostility stemmed from their abandonment and it had just been building up; festering inside of me. I thought back on some of the things I said to Renee and Phil this morning and thought maybe that was part of the reason for me dismissing her. I was almost willing to guess it was because I didn't want to be abandoned again and cut her off of my life before she had her chance to do so herself. As I continued to stare at my wrist, I wondered if Alice saw what was happening. Maybe not the accident itself but it made me wonder if she still caught glimpses of me. It was just another thing that added to my foul mood and it finally tipped me over the edge.

"Get over it Bella," I muttered to myself. "If she did, she would have said something, wouldn't you think? She was your best friend or so she said." Prior to my birthday party, I would have said yes that she would most likely peer into the future to see what happened to Bella Swan. Post birthday party, given the way she looked after that damn paper cut, I wasn't so sure.

"God, stop thinking about them! You were nothing but a goddamn distraction. You weren't any more important than a fucking porcelain doll!" I yelled out and was thankful that neighbors were far away enough they wouldn't hear. "You've GOT to stop thinking about them. They left you and moved on. You were nothing to them. You need to move on too." I beat up on the couch cushions and screamed loudly some more. Anybody who could have heard me would probably have run away as I raged on for another half hour; screaming and cursing while punching and kicking the couch. By the time I was done, I was sweating and panting hard and I felt some relief in letting go like that. I was smarter this time and didn't leave cuts or bruises like my window incident.

That was my moment when I realized I did need to move on, not just physically but emotionally as well. What was supposed to be a happy and exciting moment in my life as I was planning to move off to college was now a bittersweet one. I was almost certain that as I left for Texas, I'd be saying goodbye to Forks for good. As I stared at the contents that sat on the mantle, I realized that what memories I had, I could take away with me. No, I had to say goodbye to Forks and move on.