Alive.

Jim couldn't believe it. He had planned on dying, he'd made peace with the idea. But looking at Spock, Spock who told him silently to fight, to not give in. Spock, who would have known Jim gave up. Jim would have died knowing Spock wouldn't forgive him for that. Still, Jim had never been in a more suicidal state of mind. He had killed Hailian. One of his longest allies, even a friend. Hailian had been calm and understanding. He never judged, never moved against him as some of Adonis' core supporters had done, even though Adalyn was his wife. His friends, his people, all gone because of him.

Because he chose Star Fleet. Because he chose to be human.

Jim hadn't moved from where he laid down, he didn't have enough energy to move. Mentally, his mind was finished with him, there were no headaches, no pounding, now there was just agony. For a long time, he curled into himself, shaking and crying. Then it went up a notch and Jim screamed. He should have died, he should have, he fucking deserved a moment of peace in his life. Jim's life had ended at thirteen, his mind claimed and chained. He had once thought he was free and now all he wanted was for the pain to stop. He wanted for his friends to trust him again, to stop thinking that Jim needed unravelling for them to know him. He knew they'd never see him the same way, not anymore, there was too much now. Jim had done this, his past had taken over any future he could have had once.

Jim stopped thinking, he wasn't capable of it, still bloody from the day, still hurt from his half healed wounds, he found himself in the shower and blurry-eyed, he turned it on and passed out.

The next day was worse, Jim went in and out of consciousness. He heard T'Pau's voice telling him he could be normal again and he yelled at her for lying to him. He saw his mother's face and didn't have it in him to reach for her, but he did Spock.

The man's face was clear as day, worried, extremely worried, for Jim could see it plainly on his face. Jim smiled at that outward rarity. Choked and raw, his head now ready to explode, Jim thought maybe Tevik was going through Pon Farr again. Please, god, don't let me go through that again. He heard Spock's voice from far away and though he couldn't make out the words, the tone was soothing to him. Jim knew he was dreaming, or maybe hallucinating, he didn't know how much time passed and he laughed out loud at the old sensation at not being able to tell the time.

Maybe he was still fourteen, maybe he was still trapped in his own hell.

It could be.

His eyes sought deep, worried, brown eyes and he spoke, barely aloud, "Help..." Jim closed his eyes and let his mind drift away from him.

There was a soft warm wind trying to brush against him. Jim didn't know if he liked it or not, the warmth reminded him of Tarsus at first, then it turned to picnicking with Amanda. Maybe warmth was good, it was gentle and Jim was thankful at the soothing feeling. It calmed his raw skin and his too dry and irritated eyes. Jim turned and suddenly he felt an overwhelming sensation of calm, he caught his breath as his mind settled and the landscape around him turned from black emptiness to the observatory on the Enterprise.

Jim let out a deep sigh and sat down heavily on the couch. His body was tired and heavy but his mind, for the first time in what felt like years, wasn't trying to drive him insane. Shutting his eyes, he let his head fall back and smiled, knowing who caused the dip beside him. "I feel a lot better. I don't want to open my eyes again."

"I am afraid you have to."

Jim chuckled and said, "No, I don't. I know you're still mad at me so I'm just going to sleep until you're not." Jim felt his whole body relax and even when that old part of him lurched up, telling him to protect himself, telling him to stay alert and not show Spock his weaknesses, Jim laid down, his legs in Spock's lap. "If that is what you insist, then know that I am no longer angry with you."

Jim snorted, not falling for it. He felt Spock's hand on his knee and stretched, letting his sore joints pop. Maybe Bones was right and he'd get early arthritis from his 'unnecessary' adventures, as he called them.

"I thought Vulcans weren't supposed to lie."

Jim opened his eyes, to see Spock looking intently down at him. "I am not. I have mediated, though, I will need more dedication to it in the future, I have come to the realization that you felt trapped and felt as if you could not speak of what conspired before you met me. I understand your reasoning behind keeping your past private. I have learned from your trials on Tarsus, that you are resilient and strong. You travelled to Casven in your teens and when you were emotional, you lashed out. I can conclude from your scars that you fought, severely, and while you gained battle experience you should never have been in that situation at your age, or ever.

"I also know that you dedicated time in exploring your limits, your fierce mind, when you created one of the top companies from the ground up, in less time than most companies even begin to become of market value. You, Jim Kirk, are one of the most emotional, loyal, illogical, brilliant, and truly intimating men I have ever come across. You are all those things and most of all, Jim, you are truly admirable."

Jim snorted, feeling more and more lost and yet utterly captivated by what his best friend said to him. No one had ever said that to him, ever.

"I really don't think you're paying attention, Mr. Spock." Spock shook his head and replied, "It is not I who is not paying attention. I know how you react Jim and I know you wanted to leave us not twenty-four hours ago. You do not need to be punished for what happened on Reklor. What you did, was what you are, what you always will do."

"Murder."

Spock shook his head and said calmly and softly, "Protecting those you love. You will always see the big picture and will never stand to see the right way be trampled on, no matter what it takes to make it so. You might have gone to war, but you fought with the most important purpose and for one so young to understand that, is truly remarkable. Now, open your eyes."

Jim frowned and soon he felt a lurching feeling, off centre and nauseous, he found himself not on the Enterprise but in his apartment in San Francisco. Frowning, his head groggy, Jim took note that he was lying in bed and that Spock was real, and inside his apartment, over him...his hand moving form his temple.

Jim felt a whole wave of fear and his eyes widened. "You were in my head!"

Spock winced at the loudness of his tone and Jim quickly sat up. His head was numb, almost cushioned somehow, he didn't feel any pain. "I apologize for the intrusion, you commed me and asked for my help. I had to spend fifteen point four minutes trying to get through your security." Jim's brows went up and he looked around him.

The place was a mess, broken everything was around him. Chairs, tables, glass from mirrors. He had trashed the place. Even the mattress was on the floor. Jim licked his lips and asked, "How'd you know where I live?"

This wasn't his show apartment, not the one he brought his crew and women to. This was a duplicate of his Zanna Mi apartment. Locked security and parcels of highly classified artifacts that he liked or had a past connection to, were sent here. His lab was upstairs along with many illegal chemicals and products. "Your comm was still open and I managed to trace it after several minutes. The rest was trial and error."

Jim nodded and repeated, "You were in my head." Spock frowned, barely, and nodded. "Jim, you were unconscious and I could not get you to respond. I needed to know what was wrong and I planned on comming Doctor McCoy after a I understood what your aliment was."

Jim nodded again and replied snarly, "Figured that one out, did you?"

Spock looked away and said quietly, "Your mind...it's not what I expected." That answer threw him and Jim looked away from the Vulcan. "You are truly a genius, and perceptive of the telepathic links that generally don't develop in humans. Your mind, while slightly organized for a human is full of emotion, it's like an ocean, mixing and lapping against my mind and yet held back, slightly, almost breaking through a thin barrier in which you've erected around yourself. I've never seen a mind like yours before. You're utterly consumed with being under control, I never knew that about you, not to this extent. It's quite fascinating."

Jim tensed and waited for Spock to either stop or continue. Spock looked right at him and said the one thing that made Jim not be able to face him. "You were bonded. For a long time."

Jim swallowed thickly. In the corner of his eye, Spock shifted, making Jim tense and move so that Spock was in his view. Spock raised a brow and asked, "Do you no longer trust me, James?" Jim looked up at him and let all of his fear show on his face. Jim spoke quietly but very seriously and most of all, he spoke truthfully, "Every time I trust someone, they either die or betray me. Literally. I've been waiting for Bones to walk away since the day I told him I consider us friends. I really don't want to watch you do that."

Spock looked for the first time completely sorrowful as he said slowly and surely, "I will never willingly leave your side, Jim. You can trust me and if you wish, I can try to help you with your headaches. I believe that is what my counterpart was helping you with, am I correct?" Jim looked down and nodded. Slowly but steadily, Spock reached out and Jim flinched but let Spock touch his face. Spock's hand was oddly soft, slightly cool and most of all, gentle as he cupped his cheek and made Jim face him fully.

"You have no reason to ever fear me."

Jim took a deep breath and slowly, so slowly he moved until finally, he leaned into Spock's embrace and for the first time in a long while let himself be held by someone.

Jim woke up warm and smiled as he felt a familiar weight over his chest. Although, the last time he felt it, Spock had been one hundred and sixty-nine. Against his back, Spock shifted, most likely woken up by Jim's rising mind. Jim groaned and mumbled out, "I don't want to get up." Spock tightened his hold on Jim, nuzzled into his neck and breathed out, "Okay."

Jim smiled into his pillow and then quickly bolted up.

Someone had gasped.

Spock too, was now wide awake, and both of them were wide-eyed at the group looking at them. Jim gaped his attention first focusing on Sarek, who raised his brows at both of them, then at Nyota who's mouth was, likewise, wide. Jim turned to Spock, shirtless and mused and then looked back at Nyota and called out, "We did not in any way sleep together!"

Spock looked to him quickly, which in human terms wasn't good body language and Jim saw Nyota's eyes widen more so Jim kicked off the blankets to show the both of them clothed on the bottom. Or at least Spock was, Jim was in his boxers.

"See. Not, not at all." He was only then reminded his body was on view, newly scarred to his friends. "Not a poacher," Jim mumbled under his breath and now Spock shook his head, getting up, much more composed than he was.

"Good morning. Might I enquire as to how you all found Jim's place? And secondly, why you arrived?"

Jim saw Jenna who was smirking over at him and she raised her hand as she said, "Oh, that was on me, Mr. Spock. I, stupidly thought Jim might need support right now with everything going on. I tracked these guys having breakfast and talking about him at a cafe a few blocks over. Thought they'd like to see him but I see you were comforting him well enough." She grinned as Jim groaned and wiped his face.

His headache wasn't present but there was a distant pressure telling him it'd be back. Jim stood, once more revealing his old (new) body to his friends and Bones immediately came forward. Jim was surprised at the clear worry Bones showed as he touched the bruised and nearly healed stab wounds. "You should have let them heal you completely. Here," Bones was about to reach for a dermal regenerator when Jim stopped him. "Don't worry about it, Bones, I'm fine. Trust me, I've had worse." Bones winced and his eyes scanned his scars. "You always said that, right from the moment I met you." Bones shook his head. "I just...I just didn't expect this."

Jim looked down and swallowed hard as he said, "I'm sorry."

The weight of his past, of being what he was, of knowing how alone he had been and knowing he wouldn't truly ever move on made his eyes start watering again. He had cried all day yesterday, most of last night, he shouldn't have more tears left. Bones drew in him in a hug and Jim let his walls down and sobbed heavily. "I'm really sorry Bones. I never wanted to be a monster. It wasn't meant to be that way. I knew Adonis was going to be trapped in a standoff, I tried to stop him but he wouldn't listen...I just, I just couldn't let him sign the treaty. You have...you have to believe me, I just wanted the peace to last this time. I wanted my clan's deaths to mean something."

Bones rubbed his scarred back as Jim choked his words out for the first time and he listened as the older man called him endearments and told him everything was okay. "I didn't mean anything I said last week Jim. I don't know what it's like to be in a situation like that. I don't know what I would do. But you and I aren't alike, I don't have your mind, I don't have your strength, not any of it when I was seventeen. I could never have thought that far enough. You did everything you could to save your people and that's what matter's Jim. You did good. You did good, little brother."

Jim cried for a bit longer, until he caught his breath and then still shaking was able to let go of Bones. He looked down and thankfully Bones moved so that he was blocked by the group. He wiped his cheeks and eyes quickly while Bones rubbed his arms. Soon after, Jenna clapped her hands once, loudly and smiling said, "So, who wants to take this to the equally destroyed living room?"

Jim winced, once again seeing all the destruction he wrought, half unconscious in pain.

The living room wasn't equally bad, it was worse.

His PADD and holo screen were destroyed and smoking slightly, the couch was on it's side and fluff was everywhere, glass and wood piece littered the floor. The only untouched area was Saros' alter he still kept on a raised platform at one side of the living room. He noticed the Vulcans gazes flicker toward it and Jim sighed, rubbing his forehead.

Jenna, having no problem with the ruined space, made her way toward a broken chair and sat down on the cushion. She pulled out her comm unit and looked around the space before asking, "Do you want the Indigo or Diamond plans?"

Jim immediately winced at that sentence, drawing his blanket tighter around him. He felt like an utter failure. He was supposed to be a captain, for fuck's sake, what would his cadets think of him when he smelt like the wrong end of a bottle, his fingers still stained with blood and his apartment looking like he had a war inside it.

"Indigo."

She nodded and pushed a button on speed dial. Sulu looked at him curiously but Jim just sat down at the coffee table, it was perfectly cut in half and Jim wondered at how he did that. He couldn't remember most of the day he locked himself in here.

"What's Indigo?" Scotty asked, sitting down as well, with the rest of the group following. Spock sidestepped Bones and stole his spot beside him. Jim gave him a small smile and Spock raised his head.

"It's designs," Jenna replied having finished her conversation with Damon, she looked so casual, Jim just let his head fall in his hands as she continued, "Jim used to do this a lot back in the day. We set up a system that has a full design of a new apartment. Everything down to the exact detail. New kitchen, new flooring, new furniture, new paint and all done within three hours. Damon's our stylist, always on call and has a team of up to a hundred and twenty people at any given time. I suggest we pay him double due to the short notice." Jim just nodded without looking up. He felt Spock's hand find his arm and Jim let his hands fall as he raised his head to look at him.

"When did you wreck your apartment?" Carol asked, her gaze going over everything.

Jim shrugged and said hollowly, "Mostly before the Academy. A couple of times in the first year and usually on anniversaries. It's been a few years since I did this." I thought I was over it, Jim wanted to say but kept his mouth closed. He stood up and said, "I need to check on my clothes."

"Don't bother," Jenna replied, "I remembered what happened last time."

She handed him clothes from her purse and continued in that casual voice of hers, "A new wardrobe will be here in twenty minutes. I may or may not have made you more fashionable, by the way. And I got you an exact copy of your leather jacket, don't worry." Jim nodded, he went and got changed, it was a cashmere sweater and well made tailored jeans. Great, she really did take over his wardrobe.

Oh well, Jim thought, he didn't have enough energy to care.

When he got out of the bathroom (wrecked as well), everyone was standing by the door, Jenna was pointing around going over the plan with Damon and Damon grinned seeing him. "Oh, lovely, I am so sorry you're feeling under the weather. Don't worry about any of this." Damon kissed him on both cheeks and Jim returned the gesture feeling his lips twitch in a smile as he was confronted full blast with Damon's engaging personality.

"I will handle everything. Now go have some brunch and get a spa day. By the time you come back, you won't even remember that drab design, it's a new year and time for a change anyway." Jim did finally smile and said as usual, "I don't want anyone to touch anything Vulcan in nature."

Jim hesitated, his eyes falling on Saros' alter. It had been four and a half months since Saros died. It wasn't long and yet it felt like a full year already. He still pictured talking to him, still dreamt about him but he also knew he needed to let go. Saros had never been his, never planned on being his. Jim sighed heavily, he looked down at his floor seeing those same engravings as his Zanna Mi apartment.

Vulcan text in white were enlaid in the floor and Jim found the most important one right then, Kaiidth.

No more running, no more fantasy.

Just what is.

Jim shut his eyes, nodded to himself and said, "You know what... Pack everything you see with Vulcan origins and send it to the Vulcan High Council. I want all of it gone by the time I get back." Damon, used to Jim being utterly protective over his artifacts, gaped and then caught himself and nodded sharply. "Very well," he said but still he couldn't help but ask, "Are you sure?" Jim nodded, looking away from his nightmare of last night and walked out the damaged and busted in door. He noticed his keypad was fried. Turning to Spock, he saw Spock raise a brow at him as he replied, "Your programming is extremely thoughtful." Jim managed a grin and said, "I totally stumped you on that, didn't I?"

Spock didn't hesitate as he replied, "You did."

They all spent the day together. Though Jenna left halfway through, she did get an uneasy welcome from everyone. She was slightly too on edge for everyone to feel comfortable around. But Jim found comfort in her presence. She understood him, understood what he'd been through more than perhaps anyone.

Sarek, after many conversations on the council, on the latest physic's laws on Zata Four (Spock was the most interested) and telling Jim how well Soraya was fairing (more than exceptional) had to leave for his own duties. "I will be leaving later this day, Soraya does not like to have me gone for very long. She has connected to T'Pau and in my absence trails her. But she does prefer my closeness. You will comm me when you return to your ship?" Sarek asked Spock and Spock nodded in return. "Safe travels, father." "As to you."

Finally, they just walked around the city, finding little hide away gardens and tables in the huge public libraries. They had dinner and snacks. At midnight, they decided to watch a holovid at the theatre. Jim was just starting to relax when they all, without objecting, decided to have a group sleep over at his place. Jim was allowed (after much grumbling by Bones) to go to the liquor mart and they each got something. When they arrived, everyone was chatting, Jim had answered questions upon questions about what happened on Reklor, how he had gotten there and what he did as the Emperor.

He left out The Crucible, though everyone knew he knew Gary Mitchel, they thought it was purely from the famine. He left out Tevik completely, skipping over him just seemed second nature now. He left out his torture and was thankful Spock hadn't seen that in his mind.

Jim stopped mid-sentence and Spock tensed beside him, stepping forward as if meaning to protect him. Everyone else soon stopped talking as well.

Admiral Archer was seated in his new dark navy couch. Admiral Bennett and Tanner were there as well and Barrett was standing looking grim by the window. Admiral Brooks looked ready to smile. There were twenty men with phasers on their hips in different points throughout his living room. "Admirals, what can I do for you? I assume this is important since you've invited yourselves in."

Barrett, always slightly more reasonable, replied, "We've been here a couple hours. I'm sorry Jim, but under Star Fleet Law, you've broken at least three of our codes. We have no choice in the matter."

"You can't be serious!" Scotty called out, looking shocked.

Spock stepped in front of Jim fully and Archer shook his head, saying, "Spock you know the law. Jim is a god damned Emperor of an entire planet. He's in breach of having conflicting interest, to say the least."

"There is no law stating a ruling member of any planet cannot join Star Fleet."

Brooks snorted and said, "Most Kings and Queens don't want to join the Fleet, they tend to have their own. Unless they wish to influence in certain matters." Jim tensed and said, "Are you accusing me of being a Reklan spy?" Bones snorted and said, "That's ridiculous. He's not even Reklan." Barrett gazed sadly at Bones and said to Jim, "Jim, are you Reklan?"

Jim kept his mouth shut, he breathed deeply and reached out to touch Spock.

Spock glared back at him and Jim smiled. "You can't protect from this, Spock. Thanks, though."

"Jim."

Jim shook his head and stepped forward. "Alright. You can arrest me."

Tanner stepped forward and winced as she cuffed him. "Sorry about this." She said quietly, louder she said, "James Tiberius Kirk you are being charged for deceitful conduct including but not limited to; lying to Star Fleet officials to gain entry into the Fleet, bribing and extorting Star Fleet officers, hacking into various systems to erase your own personal files as well as interference in a inter-galactic peacekeeping armada, from a race in which did not have a treaty with any Federation planets at the time. You have to right to ask for a lawyer, to demand a fair trail, to remain silent and know that anything you say or do to incriminate yourself will be used against you. Do you understand what I have said to you?"

Jim looked Admiral Kristin Tanner and nodded. Clearly, he said aloud, "I understand."