Author's Note:
So, most of this have been lying on my hard drive since spring, but I didn't wanna post it until I had started off the following chapter, which I have now, so.. here it is. (I stil do not own Glee or any of it's characters, this is just for fun and because certain persons are dickheads.)
All the best, and thanks for reading.
- intextrovert
11. This Is The New Year
[Tuesday december 27:th, 2011]
Santana awoke with a start, feeling slightly disoriented. She sat up slightly and rubbed her eyes frantically, trying to make sense of where she was.
Her eyes stung from the smudged mascara she hadn't cared about removing last night, and when she rolled her eyes at her own stupidity, her head pounded in protest.
Right, I'm at Brittany's her fuzzy brain noted, and proceeded with falling back at the pillow again. It took approximately 0.5 seconds for the information to register in her tired mind and for panic to ensue.
All of a sudden Santana was hyper-aware of the blonde head of hair next to her on the pillow. Her pulse was racing and she gasped at the feel of the warm arm wrapped tight around her torso.
Yep, Santana was definitely awake now.
She laid still like a hunted animal for a couple of minutes, but Brittany showed no signs of waking up – if anything her body relaxed even more, molding into Santana.
Slowly, Santana's pulse went back to normal, and she unwound enough to actually enjoy the feeling of Brittany close to her.
She was almost dozing off when there was a soft thud of feet hitting the carpet. Santana turned her head (carefully, to not wake Brittany) and was met with the unreadable gaze of one Quinn Fabray. Quinn studied her face silently, smirked when Brittany moved closer in her sleep and cuddled even closer to Santana with a mumbly little squeal.
"Don't lead her on Lopez," Quinn muttered.
"I'm not," Santana replied hesitantly.
"You better not be."
"Quinn, I swear I'm not," Santana said, a little louder now with a hint of frustration lacing her words.
She thought of what Brittany had admitted last night, loudly, in front of everyone.
"I really liked her, I still care for her a lot and under other circumstances.."
"..if the timing ever gets better, I'd love to give us a try."
Maybe this could be the other circumstances. The ball was in her court now, and it was fucking terrifying. Still, Santana knew it was up to her. Brittany had told her what she felt and wanted, all she had to do was to stop being such a coward.
Quinn didn't say anything more, just gave Santana a stern gaze, before padding backwards into the bathroom. Santana groaned inwardly and reached for her cellphone on top of the wardrobe.
06:51. She wasn't sure when Brittany had to get up but if Quinn's presence was any hint it would probably be soon.
After a short debate with her own insecurities, Santana scooted down next to Brittany again and moved around so she was facing her, trying to fall back to sleep. Somehow she felt like it'd be less awkward if she would be asleep when Brittany woke up.
-#-#-#-#-#-
"Santaaaaana, I know you're awake. You're like the worst fake-sleeper in the history of crappy fake-sleepers," Brittany whined.
A small part of Santana was offended, she thought she had been putting on a pretty convincing act for the last ten minutes or so, even making weird yawns now and then.
Most of her was however more shy than anything else.
"Am not," Santana objected.
Brittany shuffled around a little, pushing herself up on one elbow so that she was able to stare down at Santana through a curtain of messy blonde hair.
"But you are," she said with a faint smile and proceeded to bop Santana on the nose.
-#-#-#-#-#-
All colors were pale in the light of early dawn but I could tell she was blushing. It was like the heat radiated off of her soft cheeks, I could feel it, but before I lost myself completely reality came back and slapped me in the face.
I was hovering almost over her.
She was so damn close, our breaths nearly mixing, and should my arm decide to give in I would collapse on top of her. The mere thought of it, of warm, soft Santana right underneath me, made me weak.
She swallowed, her eyes wide all of a sudden, and her gaze started to flicker across my face.
I both heard and felt the change in her breathing, slow and steady – focused, as if she was trying to collect herself, her chest heaving a little. I must have been mirroring her, except for the fact that my eyes didn't leave hers even for a second. In the corner of my eye I noticed that she wet her lips, maybe unconsciously, but it made tingles race through me, from my fingertips all the way down to my toes.
I've never wanted to kiss anyone so badly in my entire life. I've never wanted so intensely to just cup her face softly and lean in, not losing eye-contact until the very last second, the second when I can almost feel her eyelashes brushing my skin, yet hold back the final touch for just a moment longer, to savor the tension until I am unable to resist her lips anymore.
To let go, to let soft kisses speak of the longing my words are not enough to tell.
To let go, to let those kisses turn deep and passionate, to feel every inch of her against me, my fingertips, my lips.
I knew she could see it, I knew I was unable to hide my want, my care. I knew because of the change in her eyes, the deer-in-the-headlights look and her slightly trembling hand touching mine before I could reach her.
It didn't feel like a rejection as much as a plea for me to wait, to let this happen at another time. Sometime when Quinn wasn't flushing the toilet in the bathroom and Marley and Amy wasn't dead to the world in the bunk below us. It felt like she wanted me to hold back because letting it happen might be like opening the floodgates of the Hoover Dam.
Because it happening deserved a better place and timing than now.
She let go of my hand and I gingerly stroke my thumb over her cheek before shifting my weight, leaning over so that I fell down on my back next to her instead.
My heart was beating so hard I think she could hear it, I know I did. Blood pounded relentlessly in my ears and it showed no sings of stopping, she was still too near, her entire right side pressed against my left.
Damn this narrow bed.
I didn't dare to look at her, afraid of what might happen under the influence of eye-contact. Instead I stared at the roof, off-white and plastery, trying to relax a little. I felt Santana shuffle around next to me, trying to fluff up the pillow. Then she fell back on the mattress and pulled the duvet so snugly around herself that I had to grab the edge of it or she would have hogged it all.
"Santana!" I protested.
"Sorry," she giggled, a bit muffled. I turned my head and was met with the adorable sight of Santana almost completely hidden under the duvet. Apart from her messy hair, only her eyes and the tip of her nose was visible.
"Are you cold?" I asked. "It gets kind of drafty down here, that balcony door is not the best."
"Naah, I'm fine. It's just cozy," she said with a satisfied sigh.
"Alright then," I said and pulled the duvet over my face too.
Then we fell silent, just lying there shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip, thigh to thigh.
It was oddly calming.
Until I felt a movement on my left leg, right where it was pressed up against Santana's. Soft fingers graced my thigh, then disappeared as quick as they came. I hesitated for a second, then reached out, searching for Santana's hand. She met me halfway, slowly tangling our fingers together.
Together.
It felt very right, somehow.
Of course Quinn exited the bathroom not two minutes later, making both of us snatch our hands back like we'd been burned, even though they were hidden under the duvet.
"Brittany, you have to be at breakfast by eight at the latest," Quinn reminded while pulling a company hoodie over her head, not even bothering to check if I actually was awake. I guess she'd heard us talking.
"Mmh, what time is it," I mumbled and tried to stretch my arms without punching Santana.
"Twenty to. I have to drop by the guy with the broken clavicle before, I'll see you at breakfast."
The door slammed shut and I was left with my arms awkwardly on top of the duvet. The bed felt even smaller than before.
"You can stay here and sleep in if you want to," I told Santana. "Amy and Marley will probably be dead for a few more hours so.." I trailed off, I didn't want to continue a sentence ending with "..it wouldn't look weird if you guys left together," because then it'd seem like I was afraid of what other people would think.
That was the last thing I wanted. I didn't care about that, I just didn't want Santana to be uncomfortable.
"Thanks, but I'll get up now," Santana said. "Might as well go riding, now that I'm awake. Plus it's a great cure for hangovers."
I immediately felt bad for not asking how she felt tight when we woke up, we'd been pretty drunk last night after all.
"Oh.. sorry, do you want some.. painkillers?" I stammered instead.
"It's okay, it's just a hint of a headache," Santana said as she sat up and swung her slender legs over the bed's low railing. How a girl her height could have so long legs was a mystery, and I couldn't help but stare.
Santana rummaged around among the clothes on the floor, searching for her jeans, tank top and hoodie. She hung different articles of clothing on the chair and doorknobs as she went.
"San, you don't have to do that," I objected.
"Kind of a pity we didn't go out last night," she replied.
"I can take care of the mess.. what?"
"I mean, you got all dressed up and then we stayed here. Your outfit was.." she hesitated for a second, hanging my black vest over the last empty chair "..hot."
After two very long seconds I found my trail of thought. "Oh. Thanks," I said dumbly. I was too much of a coward to look at her and peeled at a loose thread on my sheets instead.
"You're welcome," Santana mumbled, gathered her clothes and snuck into the bathroom.
-#-#-#-#-#-
[Thursday december 29:th, 2011]
"Just bend your damn knees and put your weight more on your front foot. It's not like you have a long distance to the ground anyway!"
Santana earned a shove in the back from her brother for that one.
"What?!" she exclaimed loudly. "It's true, she's rigid like a brick."
"Yes, okay, you have a point but you don't have to be mean about it, S."
"Whatever," Santana huffed, and jumped over to Marley instead. In hindsight, agreeing to teach Rachel, Marley and Quinn how to snowboard might have been a bad idea. Luckily for her, Zach was more patient, even with Rachel's dramatic antics. She looked over her shoulder at her brother who was over-exaggerating every move he made to make the tiny girl understand how to move.
Then she unstrapped her board and stepped on to the moving carpet with Quinn and Marley for yet another trip down the nursery slope.
"Thank god Zach is so patient, I swear if you hadn't shouted at her, I would," Quinn sighed.
"Mhm, he got the calmer set of genes, he's just like our papi."
"But you're very alike in other ways," Marley chimed in. "Like.. athletic, great musicians.. one can see that you're related."
"Easy with the praise Marley, we don't want to inflate her ego too much. She might float away, and who's gonna teach you how to snowboard then, huh?" Quinn interjected.
"Well.. Zach," Marley blushed "..or Brittany or Sam."
Santana didn't say anything but she suspected that Marley had developed quite a crush on her brother. For some reason she didn't wanna tease the young girl about it though, she liked Marley and was growing to be a bit protective over her.
"I suppose," Quinn said, and brushed some leftover snow off her jacket before the three of them got off the carpet and strapped their boards back on.
"By the way, how come you've never tried snowboarding before Quinn, I mean, Sam and Brittany do both," Marley asked, flailing her arms to find balance when standing up.
Quinn shrugged. "Never had time and felt like it at the same time. I'm gonna be sore tomorrow."
Santana chuckled. "Wear your scars with pride, Quinnie the Pooh."
"Hey, Brittany's the only one allowed to call me that!"
"Allowed to call you what?" a cheerful voice wondered.
"Brittany, hi, what are you doing here?" Marley greeted the newcomer, drowning out Quinn's grumbled complaint about Quinnie the Pooh.
"Oh, well most of the group got tired and decided I could keep going on my own if I wanted, so I went back and swapped to my board. Thought I'd catch up with you guys."
Only then did Santana notice the white and green snowboard boots on Brittany's feet, and the board tucked under her right arm.
"Nice," Quinn said.
"We were just talking about you snowboarding too," Marley continued. "Right, Santana."
"What? Oh, yeah. Snowboarding."
Santana wanted to disappear down into the fluffy frozen water on which she was standing. Being around Brittany when she knew she'd be around was.. mostly fine. Things had been.. not awkward per se, but.. special over the last two days. Lots and lots of glances across rooms so to speak, but they had both been really busy and hadn't had any time to just hang out.
But when Brittany showed up unannounced, like now? Santana was not prepared for it, and honestly.. she felt like her brain was about to short-circuit. Every. Single. Time.
"Hey, Satan, are you coming," Quinn called out. Santana snapped out of her daze and did a few jumps forward to catch up with the others. As she glided past Brittany, the taller girl grabbed her arm and said "I am the only one allowed to call her that, though," with a crooked smile, then proceeded to brace herself against Santana, before pushing off to gain more speed.
Not a second later, Santana was lying face down in the snow, wondering what exactly had happened.
Quinn's laughter followed another second after.
-#-#-#-#-#-
We had been sitting for hours going over everything for saturday. Some evil astrological god had put New Year's Eve on a saturday this year, which meant a lot of lost sleep and extra planning for me, Sam and Quinn. In one way it was unnecessary since we were omitted to the weather in the end, no matter how much we planned. But we had to get the leavers away extra early in the morning, and pray that the roads stayed clear or the arrivers would have a hectic time to dress up before the celebrations.
"Quinn, we've got this. Everything we can control is under control, and if there for some reason should be a blizzard come saturday, there's still nothing we can do about it," I said, trying to calm my friend.
"Britt's right Q, stop stressing," Sam said and put a hand over the pile of documents she was leafing through.
"But what if.."
"No!" Sam and I said in unison. "It's under control."
"Fine," Quinn sighed, leaning back in her chair, hands still twitching with the urge to go through all the papers once more.
"Go sleep Quinnie the Pooh, you look exhausted," I said and extended my hand to pull her out of the chair.
She grimaced and winced a little when she stood up and limped to the bathroom. "Snowboarding was a bad idea," she whined.
"Yeah right, you liked it, I know it."
"Sure. I liked the part when Santana fell," Quinn bubbled, her mouth full of toothpaste.
I blushed at her words. I had more than an inkling of a feeling that Santana toppling over on a nearly flat nursery slope had a bit to do with me showing up. I didn't mean to push her but she had been a bit flustered and well.. I guess her fall was mostly my doing.
It wasn't more than fair. I was falling for her to.. not on the slope but still. Totally fair.
-#-#-#-#-#-
[Saturday december 31:st, 2011]
Santana was pacing. She was nervous, and maybe a little angry at herself for that simple fact. Santana Lopez did not get nervous.
Except she did.
When it came to one Brittany Pierce, boy did she ever get nervous.
And it was New Year's Eve.
And she really, really wanted to kiss Brittany at midnight.
And she knew it would happen in public if.. no when, she did it.
There could be worse ways of coming out, seriously. Worse ways and worse places. She was pretty sure that no one would care much, hell, some of them would probably not even be surprised with all the tension surrounding Brittany and her over the last few days.
Still, Santana was pacing. And after a quick look she knew the clock on her iPhone said 23:52.
Time to go. Like five minutes ago. Shit she was late.
Heart speeding up, she grabbed her jacket and mittens in a hurry, deciding against ruining her flawless hair with a hat and settled for freezing her ears off instead. Grabbing the bottle of actual champagne – not that cheap sparkly wine for three euros thank you – from the table, she decided to leave the light on in the kitchen and scurried out of the apartment. Her hands were shaking slightly when she locked the door, so un-Santana-like it scared her.
The elevator was queued up with people heading out on the street so she half-ran down the stairs instead, taking careful steps to not shake the champagne too much.
Just as she reached the street her cellphone buzzed.
23:55 Zach
Where r u?
23:55 San
Just left the building
be there in 2
She lengthened her steps as much as she could, quickly making her way through the crowd up the slippery street. Light snow was falling despite the clear, starry sky.
The hotel in front of her looked like something from a catalogue, with christmas decorations still lighting up the balconies and torches lining the crowded terrace.
It really was crowded, and Santana hesitated for a moment, trying to figure out whether it was smarter to go inside and reach the terrace from the restaurant, or if she should climb over the railing. Then her cell buzzed again.
23:57 Zach
We're on the side facing
the church. Hurry up :)
She didn't bother with writing a reply, just ran towards the entrance, nearly toppling over when her wet soles touched the tiled floor.
The restaurant was eerily empty, everyone, even the bartenders was outside now. A brief tought passed through her head – this would be a heyday for robbers. Then she rushed towards the open glass door leading to the terrace, eyes searching desperately for familiar faces. She knew all the staff were gathered together, now she just had to reach them before the fireworks went off.
Santana had never been one for big romantic gestures, and maybe she could have chosen any day to kiss Brittany in public, to be honest in front of whoever was around to see, but she wanted this. She had spent so much time thinking and longing and trying to lie to herself and now she wanted a bit of a fairytale – she wanted her romantic movie, dammit.
She stood on the tips of her toes, trying to look over the shoulder of a ridiculously tall guy and just as she nearly lost her balance she spotted Robert's familiar curly head.
At once she turned grateful over her tiny stature instead, as she squeezed past random holiday makers towards her friends.
They weren't far away, but the terrace was tightly packed with people, everyone gathering together in their respective groups, not very keen on letting anyone pass through now. Santana's heart was pounding furiously, from the nerves or the stress, or a mix of both.
"Ten!" someone chanted and at once the excited buzz died down and people gathered even closer together to count down.
Santana was on the verge of panic now, she knew her friends were maybe five meters away yet she had to fight like an animal to get to them.
"Nine!" a flash went off in her face, making her see colorful dots everywhere. Her throat tightened from stress and a weird feeling off losing her chance was growing in the back of her consciousness.
"Eight!" she ducked under the arm of another six-foot-something guy – seriously, what was the deal with all the tall people?
"Seven!" Santana sort of wanted to cry with relief when she finally saw the familiar backs of her brother and Robert. She sneaked past a rather intoxicated woman who swayed dangerously, and flung her arms around her brother's neck.
"About time, sis," Zach turned around and shouted in her ear, drowning out the "six" chanted by everyone around them.
"Yeah, yeah, 'm sorry-bout-that. Found the champagne, look I just gotta.."
"Five!"
She pushed the heavy glass bottle into Zach's hands and scanned the crowd for familiar blonde hair, or that big furry hat Brittany sometimes wore.
"Four!"
Somewhere to her left a single champagne bottle popped, followed by a girl's annoyed rant about someone being too eager. She didn't care for the unfamiliar voices, only registered the words.
"Three!"
Almost everyone around her were pairing up now – she knew Amy and Robert were right behind her, she saw Tina and Mike, Kurt with Robert's cousin, Sam with some random girl she didn't know, Quinn determinedly fending off a tall guy with dreadlocks. If they were here, Brittany couldn't be far away.
"Two!"
And there, a flash of long, blonde hair on the far side of Kurt's shoulder. Santana's heart nearly stopped, and for a millisecond she was unable to move. Every doubt she'd ever had came creeping back, but she pushed the dark thoughts away and took the few steps forward, ignoring Zach who was calling out for her.
She slipped between Kurt and Mike, and it felt like slow-motion, like one of those unrealistically slow-paced scenes at the end of romantic movies, where the final minute is dragged out to ten times its length.
"One!"
She'd had a lot of time to daydream of this scenario. The plan hadn't included her almost chickening out and running late, but it had included what was about to come – her finally reaching Brittany, her sunshine smile in a faceless crowd, and how she would smile even brighter when their eyes met. She'd had so many variations of this specific daydream, ones where she ran over to Brittany and flung her arms around the taller girl's neck. Others where Brittany was the one running over to her. One particular favorite that was more slow-paced, that included a lot of looking deep into each other's eyes before finally leaning in.
"Brittany!"
Santana couldn't help but call out her name, Brittany turned and their eyes met. Something stirred deep down in Santana, caused by the excitement and determination found in Brittany's sparkling blue eyes.
Then the smattering sound of hundreds of fireworks going off nearly drowned out the roar of "Happy New Year!" around her.
And Santana shattered and broke.
None of her daydreams had ended like this.
Not even the nightmares had.
She was frozen, floating in some slowed-down version of time, watching dumbly as Jonathan, fucking Jonathan of all disgustingly idiotic people, swept in and caught Brittany with a searing kiss, one arm around her waist, the other cupping her cheek, just the way Santana had wanted to.
In the time of two heartbeats he unknowingly crushed her dream and there was nothing she could do but stare.
Stare at Brittany, see her eyes first widen in surprise, then flutter shut.
Santana felt sick.
Had she still been holding the champagne bottle it would either be smashed against the terrace floor, or used as some kind of weapon now. Probably the former, right now Santana was to overwhelmed to form coherent thoughts, let alone move or physically hurt anyone.
She was vaguely aware of Zach coming up to hug her, and other people too, once they were done with their own New Year's kisses and hugs, but it was like a part of her brain had logged off.
The horrific scene still played out in front of her, she had no idea for how long now – five seconds? Ten? Fifteen? All she knew was that Jonathan was kissing Brittany, and that she had to look away.
So she did.
She turned around on the spot and went into a mode of numbly hugging anyone who hugged her back. Zach and Mike were taking turns chugging champagne straight from the bottle, and when offered, Santana took a large gulp too, almost choking on the bubbles.
Champagne wasn't her favorite.
The initial shock was starting to wear off, and she knew she had to get away from the crowd unless she wanted to start a scene. She wasn't gonna hold herself together for much longer. Pulling the arm of her brother's jacket to get his attention, Santana shouted "Zach, hey, I'm not feeling very well, I'm gonna go back an lie down for a while, okay? I'll catch up with you guys later. You'll be at Peak, right?"
"San, are you okay? You just got back here"
"Yeah, I'm fine.. dunno, maybe I had too much to drink or ate something funny. I'll probably be fine in an hour or so. I'll text you later," she lied, and Zach let her go.
She walked down the street she had been running in the opposite direction of not five minutes ago. It felt surreal, so distant.
Jonathan kissed Brittany.
She couldn't wrap her mind around it.
Instead she made her way to the apartment and disappeared under her duvet, wishing to wake up from this horrible dream.
-#-#-#-#-#-
"What the actual fuck do you think you're doing?!"
He just shrugged and gave me a crooked smile in response. A lot of girls might have found that smile charming, but I sure as hell didn't. The image of Santana was still etched on the insides of my eyelids, the way her face lit up when she appeared in the crowd and saw me, only to fall a second later when the idiot currently in front of me swept in and most likely destroyed what little bravery it seemed like Santana had managed to build up.
He was still looking at me, expectantly, but I was too furious to even form words.
"You.." I began, "you are.. there aren't.. you know what? Crawl back under a rock or something," I spat out and pushed him aside, knowing I had to find Santana. Soon.
So.. next chapter is in the works, which means I'll post it mid july or something. No, hopefully sooner, especially because of the cliffhanger, but since I last posted I've finished school and gotten a (more than) full time job, so my writing time is limited. There will however be an end of this, I will not leave it unfinished.
Have a nice day, or night!