Metanoia

Chapter 11: Lalochezia

They looked like their old selves again. Aurora, with her hair that beautiful, burnt red and Bucky – no, James, with his hair short like it had been when they were kids. Steve didn't know what to think as he looked at them both in the room on the medical floor.

He couldn't make his feet move to go and talk to them. He was still so angry with Aurora and he had no idea what to say to James. His old friend didn't remember him, not the way Steve wanted him to. That hurt more than he was expecting.. Everything was in such disarray that he had no idea where to start. It overwhelmed him more than life had when he'd first woken up.

He didn't know what to focus on first – the fact that James was here, that he was furious to the point of wanting to kill Aurora or that now, someone might be after her… again.

It had been his nightmare come to life when he walked into Arthur's apartment and found her bleeding and almost lifeless in James' arms. Especially with her hair the red he loved so much. He'd been so scared to see it happening all over again that he hadn't been able to do anything. He was glad that James had silently refused to let her go because Steve hadn't been sure if he would have been able to carry her down the stairs.

"Are you going to go in?" Sam said from behind him, making Steve jump a mile. He hadn't heard anyone approach; he'd been so lost in thought. He turned to his friend.

"Maybe," he replied with a shrug. "But then again maybe not. Can't guarantee I'd be nice to her." He narrowed his gaze, ignoring Sam's rolling eyes. "Any word on ID-ing the guys in the apartment?" he asked, picking something to focus on that wasn't Aurora. He'd put Sam in charge of the investigation, mostly because he couldn't focus on much at the present time but also because he'd been so shocked at how much damage they'd done taking the Hydra agents out.

"Yeah, 4 confirmed dead and one guy is still alive. We picked him up and we're holding him but you're probably not going to like who he is…" Sam held a stack of papers in his hands and offered them to Steve.

Steve frowned as he flicked through them.

"These are all –"

"STRIKE team members, yeah." Sam nodded. "Specifically Rumlow's team."

Steve sucked in a breath and glanced at Aurora. How close had she been to Rumlow for his team to come looking for her?

"Is he – "

"Not the one alive, no. I am 100% sure I saw Rumlow die when the Trisk went down. I pulled her back from getting crushed trying to save him." Sam nodded towards Aurora. "Rollins' is who we have. He's unconscious, took some serious hits to the chest and head but none of them kill shots."

"Rollins was Rumlow's second in command," Steve murmured, his brow furrowed in concentration.

"He was, yeah. There have been no other sightings of Hydra in New York in the last week. I think James might be right to say that this was an isolated attack… someone is after Rory, probably for double crossing them." Sam spoke as Steve's brain whirred at a hundred miles an hour.

The only person who would want revenge like that would be Brock Rumlow. From what he'd heard from Sam, the things Rumlow was saying during their final fight suggested he and Rory were more than just some fun. How deep into her cover had she gotten with him?

"You're sure Rumlow is dead?" he asked and Sam nodded.

"I saw him go under the rubble myself but I'll see what I can dig up," Sam replied.

Steve handed the stack of papers back to Sam. He turned away from the room, only to be stopped by Sam. "You're not going in?"

"I can see she's fine," he replied stiffly, shaking off Sam's hand. His friend let it slip off and Steve walked away. He had nothing to say to Aurora that he hadn't already said.

"We're not a halfway house for runaways or brainwashed crazy people, Dugan!" Tony Stark's voice announced his arrival as the doors to Rory's room on the medical floor opened with a hydraulic hiss.

James was on his feet in a half second, his shoulders bunched and ready for an attack, but she reached out and grabbed his wrist before he could reach for a weapon.

"It's alright, James," she said softly, leaning around James' frame to glare at Tony. "Haven't you ever heard about knocking, Stark?" she asked, glaring daggers at the man. Tony stopped at the foot of her bed, his expression matching her own.

"You generally don't need to knock if your name is on the building." Tony shrugged flippantly and she scowled.

Rory rolled her eyes and rested back on her pillows, her chest and shoulder giving a painful throb. Willing the pain to subside, Rory closed her eyes and clenched her jaw.

"Yeah, ok. Hello to you to, Tony," she sighed sarcastically. James took a few steps back but still watched Tony warily, his eyes never leaving the on the man.

"Oh no. No, no, hell no. You do not get to make me feel bad for not being nice to you." Tony's tone was cold when he spoke next and Rory's eyes flew open. She met his gaze again, her stomach flinching from the guilt his expression provided. "You disappeared, Aurora. Literally. For two god damned years. Do you know what that does to a person?"

"Ah, no. I think I have a pretty good idea –"

"You can't possibly know what it's like because it's never happened to you," Tony hissed and she fell silent. "I couldn't find you at all and believe me, I ran myselfinto the ground trying."

"I didn't ask you to do that, Tony," Rory replied, sighing and pinching her brow. Tony gave a cold laugh, one that cut her to the core.

"No. You didn't." Venom spit at her and she shifted on the bed, feeling like she needed to run. "But do you know who did? Your grandparents asked me to find you. Your sister asked me to find you. Your brothers, their fucking kids, Steve; for Christ's sake. Have you ever seen a 6'3 lump of muscle dissolve into tears on your floor because his fiancé couldn't be found?" She didn't reply as her eyes stung. "Hmm? No? Didn't fucking think so, kid."

This was why he'd been avoiding her; he had nothing but anger left. She half wished that he would give her the silent treatment like Steve, but that was no better than being yelled at. It was probably best he got it all out at once.

She honestly had no idea what to say and she took a number of deep breaths through her nose. The weight of what she'd done to her family and friends shook her whole body It was like an iceberg and the further under the water she got, the more mammoth it became.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. Tony waved a hand, dismissing her. Instead, his gaze landed on James and he sized him up.

"So this is the big bad Winter Soldier that beat the snot out of Steve, huh?" he asked, the angry tone dropping from his voice. James lifted his chin, his eyes following every move Tony was making.

The billionaire let out a soft sigh and rolled his eyes.

"Oh drop the guard dog act, fido." He shook his head. "Rogers said you needed my help so here I am, extending it."

"This is you, offering help?" James asked, disbelief coloring his tone as he glanced at Aurora for guidance. Tony smirked.

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth," he replied. "I obviously can't do anything here, if I can do anything at all. Cybertechnics isn't really my area of expertise but you can come to my lab and I can see what I can do."

Rory watched as James' back stiffened at the mention of a lab. Nervous energy radiated off him and she sat up, swinging her legs off the bed.

"Let me put on something warm..." Rory said at once and James swung around to look at her.

"You don't have to come," James argued but she ignored him.

"Yeah I do," she responded, pulling a sweatshirt over her head. She bit her lip as pain rippled through her arm. "I'm totally fine."

"You look like shit," Tony deadpanned and she shot him a glare.

"I'm fine," Rory insisted, taking a deep breath to try and steady herself. Who would have thought that getting out of bed would be so hard?

She needed to get out though. Lying in a hospital bed was making her remember the last time she was in one. She'd been nightmare free for a good couple of months; she didn't need this to trigger it off. Of course, she'd been nightmare free because she'd barely slept but that was beside the point.

Tony shook his head as he watched her force herself to move before he turned on his heel and disappeared from the room. James met her at the end of the bed, giving her a look like he wanted to argue. She was thankful that he didn't.

"So Tony's a tad abrasive," she said slowly as she took his arm to steady herself.

"Just a tad," he said flatly and she huffed a laugh.

"I didn't anticipate him being this angry with me, but I suppose I deserve it." She shrugged a shoulder, wincing at the pain. James' mouth formed a thin line and she held up a hand. "I'm good. I'll deal."

"You shouldn't have to just deal," he said with a roll of his eyes. "You've already heard it from Steve, you don't need to hear it from him too."

Rory winced, this time from nothing more than embarrassment from the ill-timed argument. She got it, he was mad at her, but had he really needed to bring it up while she was hurt? Probably not, but he had and James had surprisingly come to her defense and she hoped he didn't think Steve was a bad person.

"Steve's a special case," she said slowly. "Thanks for defending me, by the way. You didn't need to do that."

James shook his head. "He was being unfair considering the circumstance," he said, his eyes darkening a touch. She let out a soft sigh.

"Something Steve isn't the best at conveying what he's really feeling." She clicked her tongue, making James turn and look at her. She let his arm go, feeling slightly more steady on her feet but neither made to move.

"What do you mean?" James asked and she hesitated. She'd been avoiding talking about her personal history with Steve because she hadn't wanted what had happened between them to influence James' memories. Steve wasn't a bad person. The choice he made regarding her had been a special set of issues.

"I told you I was used against Steve by Hydra, didn't I?" Rory asked and James nodded. She placed her fingers to her throat, tracing her scar. "Well, I died. In his arms," she explained. James let out a breath, looking like she'd punched him. "I bled out, actually," she added, her body shaking ever so slightly. She drew a deep breath, which hurt her chest. "He didn't want me to come back to this job. He was worried something bad was going to happen to me –"

"And then you got shot…" James said slowly and she nodded. The doors dinged closed behind them and she requested the floor they needed. Surprisingly, Jarvis took them without argument.

"Exactly. His fear and the memory of… what happened… came out as anger. I kind of deserved it. I should have just taken his help instead of being a stubborn asshole," she mused and he snorted. "But his lecture was poorly timed."

"It was," James agreed. "You held your own though."

"Steve's 'Captain America' routine makes me laugh. He's kind of an argumentative person."

"Even before Captain America, Steve always thought he could throw his weight around," James snorted a laugh. Then he froze, his eyes going wide.

"James?" Rory asked, a little shocked and a little concerned. He looked like he wasn't breathing all of a sudden and she wondered what was going on in his head to make that happen.

"I remember his stubborn streak," he said softly, wonder in his tone and in his eyes. She met his steel-coloured gaze head on and felt her lungs tighten. "He used to… he used to argue with guys four times his size." Rory grinned and nodded along, not wanting to break the memory by speaking. "God, there was one time that I got punched out because he was running his mouth off to some big guys who were being rude to a couple of dames, downtown." He let out a laugh, his fingers going to his lip. "He had to stitch it up. I was so mad…"

"I didn't know Steve could stitch people up," Rory said softly with a smile. James nodded but then it slowed. He frowned.

"I think he can…" He let his hand fall from his lip and just like that the memory was gone and he shoved his hands deep into his pockets and hunched over.

"James?" She asked.

"What?"

"Are you alright?"

He gave a sigh and a nod.

"I don't even know if that's true." He turned away from her and headed for the doors. She followed him, ignoring the way her legs felt tired and weak.

"We can ask him?" Rory suggested but he shook his head. His mouth had formed that grim line again and she knew she'd get nothing more out of him for now.

"No. It's ok."

"Why?" she asked gently, after a moment.

"Because what if I'm wrong?"

"But what if you're right?" she countered. The doors hissed open and they came face to face with a very impatient looking Tony. She ignored his sarcastic protests about them taking so long and followed behind him.

James glanced at her before he took a step, fear and sadness radiating from his eyes. She wanted to hold him but she couldn't. He wouldn't let her that much was evident by the way he was holding himself.

As they walked through the tower she kept her eyes out for Steve. She didn't want to talk to him, but she was a little surprised that he wasn't hovering around her and making sure she was ok. Not that she cared, but at the same time she kind of did. She'd sat beside him for days before she'd been forced to leave and he couldn't even come and check on her?

She felt pathetic for even thinking about him.

Tony's private lab was located on the 73rd floor and Jarvis greeted him as he walked in, causing James to look around in surprise.

"That's Jarvis," Rory explained. "He's the building's AI. Sees everything. He's pretty handy."

"Welcome back, Mrs Rogers."

Jarvis' artificial voice made her freeze in shock. Beside her, James also froze and she could feel his surprised gaze on the side of her face.

Tony cringed a few feet in front of them, turning on his heel quickly to face her.

"Run that by me again, Jarvis?" Rory asked, feeling a little short of breath. She was pretty sure this had nothing to do with her injury.

"I said, welcome back Mrs Rogers. It's been 2 years and 12 days since we last saw you in the tower."

Tony spun around, glancing up at the ceiling."Jarvis! Ixs-nay on the Mrs Rogers-ay!"

Rory fixed him with a glare. "What the shit, Stark!?" Rory all but shrieked at him, causing someone who was working in the lab to poke their head out from behind a desk.

"In my defense that would have been funnier two years ago." Tony shrugged, spreading his hands wide. "You know, when you were supposed to have actually been Mrs Rogers."

Her stomach tightened enough to make her feel sick.

Mrs Rogers. A name that held more weight than it should have.

James said nothing, but she knew he'd have questions. She hadn't exactly told him everything about what Steve had really been to her.

"I wasn't ever Mrs Rogers!" she argued, her eyes burning as she swallowed hard. Tony shrugged again.

"Probably because you ran away."

A woman's voice rang across the lab and Rory looked up, her eyes meeting familiar brown ones that were behind clear-framed glasses.

It was the person who had poked their head around the desk and now Rory was looking at them, she realized it was Beth Triplett. Her eyes widened.

"Beth!?"

"Aurora." That wasn't a friendly tone.

Beth Triplett pushed away from her desk and moved closer. The girl hadn't changed much in 2 years. She was still a small framed and curvy firecracker with eyes that gave away just how intelligent she was… and how angry. They blazed as they looked at Rory and Rory did everything she could not to shy away.

"Long time…" Rory started before training off. Beth rolled her eyes.

"No thanks to you. I guess they have no phones in Australia, huh?" she asked, her voice sour. Her hip popped to the side and Rory knew she was in for it.

"I couldn't call Beth, I –"

"Not important." Tony cut off her defense, his eyes rolling magnificently in his skull. "Make up later. There are more important things to work on, like this guy." He gestured to James and Beth's eyes fell on him and widened.

"Holy shit. That's The Winter Soldier."

Rory felt James stiffen beside her and his hands plunged into his pockets again. He hunched over, trying to make himself seem as small as possible, which didn't really work for someone his size.

"Not anymore he's not," she replied, her eyes narrowing a touch at Beth's tactless way of addressing him.

Beth!" Tony sighed, shaking his head. "Tact. We've talked about this."

"I've talked to you about it, sure," Beth agreed absently. "What's he doing here?" she asked.

"Cap called. Said this one," he gestured to Rory with an absent wave, "had found him and he needs fixing. That tech is way beyond my field of research."

"It's broken?" she asked, her eyes still fixed on the man standing behind Rory. Rory turned to James, knowing he wouldn't speak.

"It got waterlogged, I think Steve also did a good number on it," Rory answered for him. James met her eyes, his swirling with anger and frustration.

"I didn't agree to her." His voice was low and he spoke in Russian, something Rory was coming to learn as a stress reaction. "I agreed to Stark."

"She works for Stark and I trust her. She specializes in the tech that's in your arm," Rory countered gently. His eyes blazed hotter.

"Hydra specialized in my arm. Does that make her Hydra?"

Rory glanced at Beth.

"No. No way. Beth's never even been involved with SHIELD. She took this job to stop SHIELD offering her one. Beth's too good to be Hydra."

James stepped toward Rory, towering over her like a colossal shadow and Rory fought the urge to step away.

"You were Hydra once. Anyone can be Hydra."

Rory frowned, her own eyes narrowing on him.

"So were you. Back off, Barnes," she snarled. "Beth can fix your arm, unless you just want to leave it as is?" Her word was final and she quirked a defiant eyebrow at him, as if challenging him to fight back.

She could see the tick in his jaw as he thought about what she was saying. He shuffled back a few steps and she loosed a breath through her nose. Finally he gave a growl and sat on a stool, dropping his arm onto the bench with a clunk. He looked at the bench top pointedly, ignoring everyone else in the room.

"I'm guessing he's not dangerous?" Beth asked softly and Rory shook her head.

"No. Not anymore. He never will be again," she replied.

"Right. Ok…" Beth said softly. "I'll go and get some tools, take some scans. See if I can compare to the blueprints –"

"Blueprints?" James lifted his head and looked right at Beth with eyes blazing again. She nodded hesitantly. "How did you get blueprints?"

"They're online?" she glanced at Tony before looking back at him. "When SHIELD fell, Hydra intel was dumped onto the internet. I managed to snap some things up," she explained, her voice wavering slightly. She cleared her throat.

"But why this?" he demanded.

"Because I want to replicate it."

In a flash he was off the stool and standing over her. Rory attempted to throw herself between them and instead ended up slamming into his side.

"James, back down," she hissed, her fingers wrapping around his arm. He shook her off, turning to tower over Beth.

"Why?" he demanded. "Why would you want to replicate this?"

Beth didn't budge. Instead she looked up and adjusted her glasses, meeting his gaze.

"So we can utilize the tech to help amputees," she answered and he gave a growled.

"James, enough!" Rory grit out but he ignored her.

"You want to make more of me?" he spat, startling her. Vaguely Rory heard the whirring of Tony's ironman repulsor firing up.

"Not you exactly." Beth shook her head. "But the artificial limb? Sure." She nodded. To her merit Beth sounded cool and calm, the confidence within herself radiating through. Rory's gut churned. She wanted to trust he wouldn't hurt Beth but she wasn't entirely sure. She'd never put him in this situation before and Beth was making him panic with the suggestion that she wanted to make more of him.

"The way this is fused to your nerves is unlike anything we've ever seen. It would honestly help thousands of people," Beth continued. Rory could see James' shoulders rising and falling and she hoped he was thinking rationally about what he was doing. He looked down at his arm and then back at her.

"No." He shook his had. He started to move forward but pulled up short when Beth didn't budge. If he took another step he would flatten her with his boots.

"Don't you want to help people?" she asked him, a frown on her pretty features.

There was a long, agonized moment where no one moved. Rory held her breath.

"You can trust her, James," she said softly and he turned his head slightly to show he was listening. "I do."

"You're making a mistake," he muttered before he sat again, resuming his glaring at the tabletop.

"I'll make sure you're the fist to know when I succeed," Beth challenged, causing him to scowl harder.

Relief flooded through Rory and she met Beth's eye. She nodded at the woman, who turned and disappeared back to her desk for a moment. Rory sat on a stool closest to her as the weakness she'd been feeling earlier suddenly returned. She wasn't healed enough for this kind of stress. Her chest and head hurt, the pain pumping through her limbs in time with her heartbeat. She heard the click and whir as Tony's iron man gauntlet disappeared into the band around his wrists.

"That was close," he muttered, shaking his head before he turned and disappeared further into the lab. Rory watched James for a moment.

"Good?" she asked and he lifted his shoulders in a half-hearted shrug.

"I have no choice."

His words cut through Rory. They were so full of despair and frustration that she didn't know how to help him.

"You have a choice, you just have to trust me. I won't let anything happen to you," she smirked and nudged him. "I have the hole to prove it."

He turned and pinned her with a glare, his eyes dropping to the gauze-covered wound on her shoulder.

"That is not funny."

"It's a little funny," she replied. James gave a huff and shook his head, looking back at his arm.

He'd almost lost control. The idea of a strange person in a lab coat who had a keen interest in his arm had been too much, had brought back too many memories. This one was at least prettier than the other scientists but it was much the same. Combined with the thought of her making more of this thing that was attached to him? This weapon? It had been enough for panic to shut his mind down.

He didn't know what to make of Beth. She'd clearly been frightened by him and yet, she'd stood her ground and glared right back at him. He felt horrible that he'd threatened her, disgusted that his panic had made him react like an animal. The felling of wanting to grab her, just to hurt her, to remind her of how dangerous he was had been overwhelming. But he had resisted. Only the vague notion that Rory trusted her had stopped him.

Beth bustled back over to them, different tools in her hands and she arranged them on the bench. If she was scared now she was doing a good job of not showing it – but it had been there, in her eyes as she'd peered up at him while he'd loomed over her like a titan.

Like a monster.

"Ok… I think I'm ready," Beth said softly, bringing him from his thoughts. He tilted his head to show that he was listening but he didn't look at her. "I want to take some scans before we start, do you mind taking your shirt off?" she asked and he nodded, shifting on the stool to shrug out of his hoodie and t-shirt beneath. She eyed him critically, looking from the tablet in her hands and then back at him.

He glanced at Rory as an orange beam of light lit up his arm and she smiled encouragingly. She'd been right about one thing: he could trust her. She'd done nothing but make sure he was ok the entire time they'd been together.

A touch registered on his arm and he flinched, looking back as Beth withdrew her hands.

"Sorry," she murmured. "I'm just…" He didn't let her finish, instead he just nodded and looked at the bench top again, watching her in his periphery.

She started by manipulating the joints, her eyes studying every move that his arm made. She referenced back and forth between the scan Jarvis had done and the blueprint and after a while he started cataloguing her in the same fashion.

Her skin was smooth, like the color of hot cocoa, and her eyes were a deep brown flecked with gold. She had long, thick lashes that brushed and curled against the glass in her specs, which framed them and made her eyes seem impossibly big. She wore three earrings in her right ear but four in her left, all different kinds. On the left she had a bar in the shape of an arrow that ran through the shell, from an inside point to the outside. He wondered if it had been painful, but he never asked. Behind that ear she had a constellation of stars, tattoos, like a whirl of stardust that trailed down her back and under he collar.

"I've been studying cybernetics for almost 10 years and I haven't seen anything come close to this," Beth said, glancing at him with a small smile. While she was this close, he could see that her brown eyes were rimmed with a ring of gold, giving them the most peculiar look. There was also a patch in her left eye that was a vivid green and he wondered if that was cosmetic or a genetic anomaly. He didn't know what to say to that but she continued anyway.

"How do you open this panel though, I can't find it on the arm but it's there on the blueprint…"

"Here." He reached around with his right hand and found the groove of the panel. He pressed it in and felt it click out of place.

"Pressure sensor," Beth murmured. "Neat."

He nodded, his lips tugging up in an involuntary half smile. She genuinely sounded proud of his arm, which was new. Most people regarded it as something to be feared but she seemed to like it.

He watched warily as she pulled her tools closer and got to work. Every time he'd been woken up he'd gone through a calibration test where he was made to sit and have someone poke around in his arm. He was usually strapped to a metal chair while it happened. The lab was much nicer in comparison and he could move freely if he needed. That quelled some of the panic a little too.

Occasionally she would prattle on about something to do with her work and he liked listening to her voice. It was smooth and soothing, almost like music. After a while his heart rate dropped. She really meant him no harm at all.

"Ok, that should be good." She said finally, pulling him from his study of her. She fumbled with the panel again and he reached up to help her. Their fingers touched lightly and she pulled away. He silently berated himself for touching her.

"Make a fist?" She asked and he did. "Tap your thumb with each finger." He did that too and she beamed. "Ok bend the wrist. Elbow. Lift your arm… Good!" She glanced up and caught his eye. "Shit, I'm brilliant." She winked and a snort escaped him. Her grin widened at that. "Ah he does smile."

"I smile," he assured her, feeling his cheeks pull despite trying hard to stop them.

She turned away and started packing up her things.

"I don't believe that for a second," Beth replied. James watched as she packed up each of the tools she'd used with such care. "How's it feel?" she asked and he nodded.

"Good. Better than it did. Thanks." He nodded and reached for his shirt. She spoke again as he tugged it over his head – something that was much easier to do now that his arm worked properly.

"If you need anything else, come find me. If I'm not in here I'm in my own lab a floor below, ok?" She offered and he nodded, knowing that he would probably take her up on that offer one day.

Behind them Rory stood up and yawned. "Thanks so much, Beth," she said with a smile. Beth stiffened and kept her back to Rory. James frowned, confused by her reaction.

"Don't thank me. I didn't do it for you," Beth replied, her voice distinctively colder than it had been a few minutes ago.

"No, I know but still, thank you." Rory's smile faltered. "It's good to see you, by the way."

Beth rolled her eyes and turned to Rory finally, still on James' left. Rory stood opposite on his right and he looked up between them.

"You've got some nerve coming back," Beth bit out, a scowl crossing her pretty features when Rory didn't say anything. "Two years and not one phone call?"

"I couldn't! I was undercover!"

"Yeah. I've heard. Convenient." Beth rolled her eyes. Rory looked at her hands.

"I'm sorry Beth. I made –"

"You're sorry?" Beth exclaimed, whirling around to glare at Rory. "What ever are you sorry for? Leaving without a damned goodbye or leaving me to pick up the pieces of Steve you left behind?" she hissed and Rory physically recoiled. James took a step back as well. "You gave me the letter to give to Steve and then you left me to look after him." The air crackled with anger and Beth put down her tools. She stood with her hands on her hips and James watched Rory shrink away.

"I'm sorry, Beth I didn't know who else to trust with that." The anguish in her voice was awful and James didn't know how Beth was listening to it with such a blank expression.

"Sorry doesn't even begin to cut it!" Beth exclaimed.

"I didn't think about what I was doing –"

"No. You were thinking about yourself only. You were selfish," Beth snapped, her voice like venom. Rory recoiled as if she'd been slapped. "You weren't the only one who lost a child. Steve was suffering just as badly as you were."

Child? There'd been a child? James swallowed hard, fighting the urge to go to his friend as her eyes filled with tears.

"Steve kept it from me. He lied to me!"

"He kept it from you to save you from yourself," Beth hissed, stepping away from them. "You'd been through enough, he didn't want to see that destroy you as well."

She gave James one last look before she headed to the door to the lab. It opened for her and then shut with a hiss, leaving James and Rory alone. He turned back to his handler and found her looking at the roof. She was taking deep breaths, her chest rising and falling in a way that had to hurt her injury.

"My sister forgave me like that," she said with a click of her fingers. "My grandparents, who I said I hated, forgave me easily too… but Beth? Tony? Steve?" Her voice broke and she lifted her hands to cover her eyes. "I don't know how to make this up to them."

James watched for a moment, thoughtful. There were things about this woman that he didn't know, things she struggled with every single day but yet she'd left them all behind to help him, to save him. She was the strongest, most commendable person he had in his life and he was stuck knowing what to say next.

"There may not be a way," he said finally and Rory looked at him. He shrugged his shoulders. "There may never be a way to make things up to people."

He would know.

"But she was – is – my best friend. One of them. I need to make it up to her. I need to make it up to all of them."

This was the first time he'd ever seen the strong woman who'd saved him look so vulnerable. Even when she'd been shot she'd still looked like she could take on the world – but now, with her cheeks wet with tears and her face ashen from pain and emotion she looked like a simple gust of wind would defeat her.

"Then give it time," he murmured, wishing there was something he could do to help. He stood and reached for her, placing his hand on her shoulder in a gesture of solidarity. He was on her team because she'd done so much for him. She was his guide in the fucked up world he'd found himself in.

He just wished he could make it better for her too.

Neither had much to say on the walk from the labs to the apartment they were staying in. Rory refused to go back to the medical wing, despite her shoulder and chest both feeling like fire was burning through her skin. She just wanted to be somewhere safe and comfortable that didn't remind her of the darkest moments of her past.

"This used to be my apartment when I lived here, so unfortunately there's only one bed… but I'll take the couch," Rory said as she flicked the lights on. Nothing much had changed in the place, the walls were still the same, the windows were still the same and the memories that flooded back were still the same. Everything looked the same but she felt so damn different, she didn't know how to feel.

"You need the bed more than I do." James shook his head, dropping his backpack onto the table. "I've slept on far worse than a lumpy couch."

Rory started to argue but a painful throb reminded her that he was right and she nodded. She disappeared into the bedroom and came back with blankets and spare pillows and started making up the couch.

"Cut it out, doll." James shook his head, his head jerking up as the words left his lips. She tried not to smile or make a big deal about it. She was so used to Steve and his old timey talk that she took it as a good sign that it had slipped out. He cleared his throat and took the sheets from her, giving a pointed look at the armchair beside him.

She sighed and sat, dropping her chin into her palm as she watched the 6'1 muscled Soldier do something as domestic as making up a couch. If Hydra could see him now she thought with an amused smile.

"I'm sorry I never told you exactly what Steve and I had been through," Rory said a few moments later after the silence rang in her ears. He glanced at her but shrugged.

"I'm used to being on a need-to-know basis," he replied.

Rory nodded and chewed on her thumbnail.

"It's just that I didn't want it to cloud your judgment of him," she said and his brow quirked.

"I… appreciate that, I think?" he said slowly. "You guys were together, you lost a kid, you split. It's not an uncommon thing to happen."

"He lied to me. That's pretty uncommon… I also disappeared and joined a terrorist organization. That's even more uncommon," Rory replied and his lips quirked.

"I supposed it's not."

"You're not surprised."

"I'm observant. From the second you two yelled at each other in the car to what Beth had to say about you leaving, I pieced things together. Jarvis calling you Mrs Rogers gave enough away too," he said with a smirk and she scowled.

"I guess observation is your job," she muttered. Her eyes closed and she felt them burn horribly as tears leaked out of them. "It's taken me two years to realize that Steve was only protecting me. I wasn't in a good place and if he'd told me that we lost a child, I would never have recovered. He's not a bad person… he just did what he thought was right at the time."

James didn't say anything so she opened her eyes. He looked like he was thinking hard about something. She had an awful feeling in the pit of her stomach that she shouldn't have told him about their past. Her job was to help him remember Steve and himself, not to turn him against Steve.

She reached out for him, her fingers sliding over the smooth metal of his arm.

"Please don't let this affect how you remember Steve. He's nothing but a great person who made bad choices when faced with awful things," she said softly and James nodded. His flesh hand covered hers and she was surprised when he squeezed it.

"I'd like to talk to him, soon. If I could," he said softly and Rory nodded, smiling. She wiped her face.

"We'll go and find him tomorrow. I'm sure he'll be happy," she agreed. She sucked in a deep breath and stood. "Get some sleep, ok? We'll talk about it in the morning."

He didn't move as she moved to the bedroom but she took it as a positive that he wanted to talk to Steve and start to move forward.

Author's note:

no playlist this time. I'll do a double next week. I'm sick as hell and I'm trusting that my editor looked over this because I haven't at all. Sorry guys, til next time!