Scene 11: A Right Royal Ending

Sir Ormerod: Armaments at the ready? Then let's go!
Narrator: The Knights barge into Mr Carnegie's office.
Sir Ormerod: Okay! Where is it?
Sir Goodwin: We know you've got it, so don't pretend you've no idea what we're talking about!
Mr Carnegie: Calm down!
Sir Klein: How can we calm down? You have our Holy Anaesthetic!
Mr Carnegie: What is it you've lost? A Holy Anaesthetic? Well, I'll make some inquiries and get back to you. I'm really very busy at the moment.
Matron: No, Mr Carnegie. He looks up.
Sir Goodwin: We've made inquiries of our own.
Mr Rose: We have searched far and wide, and no one has seen it.
Sir Goodwin: You are the only person left in this hospital we haven't spoken to. You must know where it is!
Mr Carnegie: Very well. I confess. I took your Holy Anaesthetic.
Alun: But why?
Lizzie: How could you?
Sir Weatherill: We really needed it!
Mr Carnegie: But surely in administration, everyone was getting the best use of it?
All: No!
Mr Carnegie: Well, doesn't it look good?
Sir Weatherill: We want it back!
Mr Carnegie: Well, you can't have it!
Sir Goodwin: But that's not fair!
Mr Rose: Well, it seems there's only one way to get it back.
Sir Ormerod: Which is?
Mr Rose: Attack!
Narrator: The Knights and their followers run toward Mr Carnegie, brandishing their weapons. Sir Ormerod reaches the cabinet, in which the Holy Anaesthetic is encased, at the same time as Mr Carnegie. Meanwhile, the Black Knight, the Knights who say Ankylosing Spondylitis Thrombophlebitis, Nurse Deane and Mr Greengrass appear and join in the fighting. The Black Knight manages to pull Mr Rose's pipe from his mouth and fling it across the room. As he does so, Mr Rose grabs him in a head-lock.
Mr Rose: HA!
Black Knight: I can still beat you, you know!

Mr Rose belts him at the knees with his golf club. The Black Knight whimpers.

Narrator: Mr Carnegie and Sir Ormerod both grab the Holy Anaesthetic at the same time. They tug at it. Crash! The Holy Anaesthetic is on the floor in smithereens.
Mr Carnegie: Nooooo!
Sir Ormerod: That was your fault!
Mr Carnegie: No, it wasn't! You dropped it.
Sir Ormerod: No, I didn't!
Mr Carnegie: Yes, you did!

Pause.

Mr Carnegie: I have nothing left now. I think my stay at this hospital has come to an end.
Mr Rose: Good riddance!
Mr Carnegie: Catherine?
Narrator: Nurse Deane looks around at her colleagues and friends.
Nurse Deane: No, Adam. This is where I belong.

All but Mr Carnegie smile at her.

Mr Carnegie: Well, if that's how you feel.
Nurse Deane: Yes. Yes, it is.
Mr Carnegie: Well, then.

The Royal Hospital Song (to the tune of Camelot)

We're the Knights who say AST,
We've said Ni-eedle in the past,
For patients we care,
Nights out are rare,
It's time to go home at last.
Men should learn we do not mingle,
We're better off being single.

We're the Knights of pushing trolleys,
We're made to look like wallies,
We fix the beds,
Dispose of legs,
And provide kiddies with dollies.
We wear brown Porters' coats with pride,
We'll always stay by Matron's side.

We're the Knights of The Royal Hospital,
We dance with boiled scalpels,
We listen to chests,
And do blood tests,
And see patients by the handful.
We are really full of knowledge,

Sir Ormerod: I really love this Hospital Cottage!

Black Knight: Are you going to let me go now?

Mr Rose looks surprised.

Mr Rose: No!

The Black Knight whimpers again.

The End.