CHAPTER 11
I am in the clear for one week. One week is all it takes for the gossip surrounding Gale and I to explode around Panem. It started in District 12 with that local magazine and quickly spread to the other districts, eventually making its way to the Capitol.
By the time I hear the rumors that are being passed around, it's far too late to stop them. The rumors say things along the lines of Peeta and I getting a legal divorce, me having an affair with Gale, Gale's son being my child, me being romantically involved with my cousin - that situation was clearly never explained to the publisher of that article - and various other gossip that makes my head spin.
Furthermore, the regular evening news program was interrupted last night by a mandatory viewing of President Paylor giving a public announcement. I didn't see it - I was in the woods with Gale - but Peeta told me that she was very scattered. He said that from what he could decipher, it sounded like she was discussing the Games and its surviving victors. I told him that he must have misheard her, that there was no reason she could have for mentioning us, but he swore that he heard it.
So this morning on the way into the woods, I asked Gale what he had heard.
My breath comes out in a cloud when I speak. "Gale?"
It's a cold morning in early December. Most of the trees have lost their leaves and the ones that haven't are well on their way. Gale and I are on our way to the woods to hunt, like we've made a habit of doing every day, except the weekends. On Saturday, we spent the day with our individual families and on Sunday, Peeta, myself, and the kids had another dinner with Gale's family.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Did you hear about the public announcement last night?"
"What about it?"
"Peeta said he heard something about the living victors. I was wondering if you heard that, too."
Gale doesn't answer for a moment. He appears to be collecting his thoughts. "Yeah, I heard it."
I wait for him to go on.
"They want all the remaining victors to visit the Capitol for a few weeks in March. Something about a reunion."
My eyebrows squeeze together while I try to figure out the meaning of the invitation. "Why would they hold a thirteen year reunion?"
"Well, it's almost been fourteen years since the Quarter Quell."
"Still, the timing is weird," I say.
"I agree," he replies. "But you should go. My mother was telling me about Paylor's plans for the reunion. She said a few people had already reserved their place."
"Who?"
"Annie Cresta and Johanna Mason were the only names I recognized."
"That's it?"
Gale looks as if he can't find a good way to put what he wants to say. "Well, there aren't many tributes left that you would know."
I feel a pang of guilt, knowing that I had killed a good portion of the tributes from both of my Games. It's my fault that they weren't alive today. And it's my fault that the victors that should still be alive aren't, like Finnick, Mags, and Wiress. And the tributes from my first Games that could have won. Rue, Foxface, Thresh.
"You're right," I say. "I don't know what I expected to hear."
After hearing the news about this reunion, it was all I could think about. If Annie and Johanna were going, surely it would be okay for me to go. And besides, Peeta will want to. We haven't seen Annie in several years. She went through a rough period with her son when he turned ten years old, which was several years ago. Although she never told me what happened, I assumed that he found out what happened to his father and went through a rebellious phase because of it.
Now we are sitting in the grass, leaning against our rock. It's Friday and neither of us are feeling much like hunting. The late afternoon sun makes the grass gleam gold, along with everything else it touches. The sun is setting in the orange sky. It's the color sunset that Peeta loves. It's chilly in the woods under the shade of the leafless trees. It's not too bad in the sunlight, though.
"We could still do it, you know," Gale says.
I look at him questioningly.
He nods toward the trees set in the valley. "Take off. Live in the woods."
I close my eyes and imagine me and Gale, living alone in the woods. The only thing that makes us feel truly alive is hunting. Not hunting alone, but hunting together. In each other's presence. Protecting each other, having one another's back.
But the thought of actually doing it is ridiculous. Gale and I have families of our own now. We couldn't run away.
I glance back at him to see if he was kidding. His face is solemn, showing no signs of humor.
"You can't be serious," I say in disbelief.
He gazes back at me curiously. "Why not?"
"Because I have a husband and two kids to worry about! Not to mention your own son."
I'm standing now, towering over him with bewildered eyes. Does he really want this?
Gale looks away, staring into the trees that are deeply set in the valley below us.
I cross my arms over my chest and narrow my eyes. "Are you going to ignore me now?"
"I'm not ignoring you," he answers in a monotone.
"You're not answering me either," I persist.
He sighs and lays his head in his knees for a few seconds. He comes back up afterwards. "Katniss, I don't want to have this discussion."
"You're the one who started it."
"I know that," he replies through clenched teeth. Then he releases another breath to calm himself. "Will you sit down?"
I glare at him until he corrects himself.
"Please."
I sit beside him again and cross my legs, leaning my elbows on my knees and supporting my chin in my hands. We don't look at each other; the trees beyond and the still-setting sun are far more interesting. It takes Gale a while to gather his thoughts into sentences.
"Remember the last time I suggested we do that? We were sitting right here."
I nod. "Reaping Day."
"Yeah," he responds. "And remember, you said you would never have kids. Ever. And I asked you, 'Even if you find someone you love?' and you said, 'Even if I find someone I love.' Or something like that."
"Where are you going with this?" I ask irritably.
Despite my personal agitation, when he looks at me, his features are softer and his eyes lock mine in his stare. "I guess I'm just wondering what changed."
"Gale, I-"
I have to stop mid-sentence to ask myself what I'm doing. Why are you answering that? my conscience screams. It's none of his business! But from the opposite side of my brain comes a voice I usually don't allow. A voice that speaks kindness and reason. Two things that I'm a stranger to. Because after all you've put him through, he deserves an answer.
He looks down before I have a chance to respond. "You don't have to answer that."
I can tell I've hurt him. That he's been holding that question in since he arrived in 12, or maybe even before. And no matter how unwelcome it is, I realize that the small portion of kindness that I have in my mind is right this time. Gale deserves an answer.
"Because I loved him."
Gale's fingers are tying knots on a long piece of yellow-brown grass. "But you said even if you did love someone, you still wouldn't have kids. You even said you'd never get married, for that matter. All I'm asking is what's different about him?"
I shake my head. "You don't - He - I just loved him, okay?"
He almost smirks at my frustration, but the weight of our conversation pulls him back under. "What does he give you that I can't?"
I'm tempted to walk away without answering, but my mind won't quit drilling me with the reminder. He deserves an answer.
"He's peaceful. Calm. Soothing. Warm."
"Sounds to me like you're in love with his bread," Gale snaps dryly.
If the insult had been about anyone else, I would've laughed. But the implication that Peeta and I don't truly love each other is preposterous.
"So you don't think we love each other?"
"Oh, I know he loves you. I'm just doubting whether you love him."
My mouth falls open as the accusation sets in. Do I really love Peeta?
"I do love him," I say. Because whether I love Peeta or not, I have to back myself up. I can't let him control my thoughts and feelings the way he has been for the past month and a half.
"Then I guess there's no room for me here," Gale says.
He begins walking away. And as he goes, I feel him not just walking away from the woods, but also walking away from me, from us, from our past, from our future. And I can't say I blame him. I sit on top of our rock, my head in my hands to control the millions of thoughts flying inside it. I should let him go. I've done enough damage. But without warning, I stand back up and begin racing after him.
"Gale, wait," I shout after him.
He stops walking. When I reach him, he doesn't say anything. The distant look in his eyes says enough.
"I'm sorry," I say. "That wasn't the complete truth."
The distance in his eyes makes me feel as if we're miles apart, even though I'm standing right in front of him. They harden and glare at me.
"Then what is the truth?" he asks.
His question triggers something inside of me. Something that I've kept hidden from everyone, including myself, since he got here. Something that I never should've unleashed. The trigger sends these unwarranted words through my lips:
"Peeta keeps me calm. He makes me happy. He loves me more than I could ever love him, and it makes me feel guilty every morning that I wake up next to him. I see him with our kids. He loves them more than anything in this world. He values our family's happiness more than his own. But I'm different. I can't give them that same love."
The cold look has dissipated into one that screams of how truly tired he is. "What's your point, Katniss?"
"Peeta could give me all the love in the world and I still wouldn't deserve it because I can't return it. Because while Peeta fills my life with joy, I still have that fire that I've only ever shared with you. I'd almost forgotten it until you came back. And now you're here and that fire is back and the only way to cool it is to be with you, but I can't do that."
His hands come up to cradle my face. I lean into his touch. His eyes pierce through me like a knife and I know that he knows what I'm feeling. He always tells me I'm a picture book made for kids. Easy to read.
Then his eyes move down to my lips. I watch him, the lust in his eyes, the hunger I can almost feel in his stomach. And then his lips touch mine. They are surprisingly warm against my cold ones, although a little chapped from the weather.
When we finally let go, it seems like hours have passed. He doesn't drop his hands from my face, though. His eyes search deep into mine as he speaks. "I never stopped loving you, Catnip. Never have, never will. Whether you like it or not."
He lets go of me. I smile gently. "I like it."
He smiles back. Then he uses his thumb and index finger to tilt my chin upwards so that our lips reach. This kiss is gentle, maybe even more so than the last. I melt into his touch. This is what I've waited for. This is what I've wanted.
It takes me until later that night, when I'm brushing my teeth in me and Peeta's bathroom with the door closed, to realize my error. In that moment, I realize that Gale and I made the biggest mistake we could have possibly made. And someone will eventually fall because of it.
A/N: I loved writing this chapter so much! First of all, we got to see a little more of Katniss' internal conflicts over her feelings for Gale. That was fun to write because we've mostly focused on Gale's feelings for Katniss. Second of all, we have reached the end of Part 1 of the story! Part 2 will begin next chapter. This isn't anything major, just a separation between each tiny plot line within the big one. Part 2 will focus on introducing the conflicts that will play into the major climax later in the story, as well as giving more insight on Gale and Katniss' relationship. It isn't going to be completely smooth for them from here, it's not that easy!
Please remember to review! Your thoughts on each chapter are super helpful to me as a writer. Also, I can't believe we're almost to 100 reviews already! Thank you guys so much, I love you!