The guilt is killing me almost as much as the feeling of joy.
Over stimulation prevents me from sleeping again.
My lips have been dried, Axel sucked the moisture out of me last night.
I look around, still hearing the steadfast thrash of Roxas' music through the wall.
"SUGAAAA!" I hear him shout through the walls. I stand up and bang on the wall as if I'm a cop.
"Roxas shut up!"
"FUCK YOU!"
I don't know if he's yelling it to me or if he's just singing along.
I sigh, leaning my head up against the vibrating wall for a second.
Too tired to bother, I head back to bed.
-x-
"You can't get into that level without lighting the two candles..."
Who's...outside my door?
"Because I tried already, fucker. Everyone's tried... You can't and you're just going to waste everyone's time and get kicked out...If you stay over tonight to play live you can't pull that bullshit, or else I'll make you sleep in the tub...Because...Hold on."
I hear my door pop open. Roxas stands there with a bewildered look on his face once he discovers that I'm in bed with Axel.
"...What are you doing?"
"Ah?" I blush, sitting up on my bed. He raises a brow, "Ahhh? Ahhhhaaaaa..."
He starts laughing and I shush him.
"Get out of my room."
"I need the controller."
I nod my head towards my desk next to the door, "Third draw down."
"So...You finally got over Riku. That's good." He smiles before closing my door silently.
"Your brother must be a real pain in the ass, eh...?" Axel rises behind me.
-x-
"So...this is your place. Not bad..." I pick up photos off Sora's dresser and observe them. Sora pulls his sleeveless jacket over his white shirt.
"I'll be back. If you hear Donny, hide."
He leaves and I continue looking through his stuff. His top dresser is cluttered with pictures of him, Kairi, Namine, Roxas and Hayner along with random little nick-nacks.
I lay back on his bed, hearing the growing sound of voices. I hear steps rushing towards the door and jump up.
Sora rushes back in the room, "Did you leave something outside last night?"
Hm.
Hmm...
Oh...oh...
"Yeah, my skateboard. Why?"
"Donny found it. A-And he's going to start checking rooms." He rubbed his hands nervously, spinning around in a circle as though he was trying to come up with ideas. I could hear his step dad stomping about downstairs, yelling obscenities loud and clear now. "...Fuck." He becomes stressed, tugging at his hair. He leaves for a second and comes back.
"Follow me."
We leave the safety of his room and enter Roxas' room.
"Roxas has a lock in here, so just hang out until you hear one of us knock."
Before Sora could say anymore, he hears his step dad walking up the stairs and darts out of the room.
Holy shit...all over a skateboard?
I hear Sora and his step dad talking, but I can't tell what they're saying.
I look around Roxas' room.
He's just as messy as Sora...maybe a little more. Clothes surround every inch of his floor except the three bubbles of space that surrounded his system and two bean bag chairs.
Kid needs a better fucking hobby.
Before I could snoop around in Roxas' more, I hear just what monster Sora's so afraid of.
"Who the fuck has been in my house Sora?" I hear his deep voice shout and it nearly shakes the structure.
"We're trying to tell you..." I can hear Roxas and Sora both talking at the same time.
"Roxas you got somethin' to do with this?"
"To do with what?!"
I press my ear up against the wall and hear: "I'm gonna check your fucking room next. If anyone's in there I'm blowing their fucking heart out of their chest."
I hear shuffling and tiny knocks against the wall.
"Why is he freaking...?"
And then I remember what Sora told me:
I'm...not allowed to have guys over.
A sign to get the fuck out of here? I think so.
….Where the fuck is the window?
I head across the room and open the window wide enough to crawl through. I look out and realize it's in the middle of the day. The chances of being seen by neighbors are high, but I have no choice. I look around for the garden ladder to climb down, but then realize I'm in Roxas' room.
Shit...shiiiiiit...
A bit panicky now that the reality of having my heart blown out of my chest is close. I look around for a way down, but hear sudden banging on the door.
Not today, old fart.
I take a leap of faith out of the second story window and land on my back, painfully.
"Agh...!"
No time to whine though, I've gotta get up. I sit up and realize that Sora's mom is staring at me through her backdoor. She slides the glass door open and grabs my hand, helping me up. Without letting go, she leads me inside again.
"I don't know what you're doing falling out of my sons window, but I'll get you out of this this one time if you promise me that you'll be a lil more careful and cover your tracks from now on, alright?"
"As long as I get to keep my heart."
"Did you leave anything?"
"My board. And my shoes."
"Your board..." She trails off and looks towards the front door. I look over and see what had become of it, an axed up mess.
"I can manage your shoes for you though!" Her eyes brighten and she jogs up the stairs. My heart is beating out of my chest and honestly, I just want to go home.
I see my shoes get thrown over the railings of the stairs and grab them before slipping out the front door.
-x-
I limp all the way home, certain that I had broken my back somehow. When I open the front door all I can smell is weed and stale alcohol. Hiro and Pence are smoking sure enough, and they seem like they have a lot of questions to ask me.
"Oh leave me alone..." I start, kicking my shoes off by the door..
"What happened?"
"What the fuck happened to you, looks like someone choked you out."
"Did you guys fuck?"
They start laughing. I head up and sandwich in between them on the couch. They're watching some classic martial arts movies, the ones you can't help but laugh at.
They pass me the joint they're smoking and I take a drag, before helping myself to a cigarette in a pack on the coffee table.
Hiro takes a huge whiff of me, "I smell rejection. What's your tale you fucking loser?"
I smile, "Fuck you, loser."
"Ohhh, looks like you owe me Hiro. I knew he could do it."
"Always making me lose money, huh Ax..." Hiro leans against the arm of the couch.
"I can't believe you bitches have been betting on me." I snatch the cigarettes off the coffee table slyly and pull my phone out.
"Axel's got a boyfriend!" Pence sings out as I jog up the stairs and I can't help but smile.
I do.
-x-
Everyday of this month has been filled with kisses. I can't help but grow closer to Axel but it's...
When I wake up and look at the calender, I'm faced with the fact that I'm one day closer to leaving him.
But everyday I feel less depressed, like he's helping me make my big come back before I go.
Hiro's hosting a poker night at his place and the whole gang is going.
I'm laying back on Roxas' bed as he's packing his games in his backpack. "So, you thought of what you're gonna do when you leave?"
"Yeah, I'm gonna hopefully get a job."
"I mean with Axel."
"Oh...not really, just taking the days as they come by."
"Word of the wise: Don't do long distance relationships. They fuck your whole mojo."
"What do you know about mojo?"
"I dated this girl I met online when I was fourteen. She was the coolest chick I ever met, way cooler than Namine. But the long distance just wasn't working out. Missed calls, arguing over the phone...blech. Turned a beautiful thing into a pile a shit. Wouldn't have happened if we didn't live on two ends of the globe."
"Cooler than Namine? I don't believe it, you'd drink Namine's bathwater..." I walk to his bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror, bored.
"I never thought you'd touch anyone other than Riku, yet there you are, sneaking Axel into your room every week. Donny nearly got some free target practice."
After the first incident of nearly being found out, Axel has been ten times more careful sneaking into my room.
"...Good point."
"What do you guys do anyways? Slap penises or something? You know that's not how you lose your virginity, right? One of you's gotta take it up the butt."
"Hey!"
Roxas starts laughing.
"Sora, Roxas, your friends are here!"
Roxas throws his backpack over his shoulders and we're out the door.
"See you later mom."
"Bye. Have fun and drive safe."
"Okay."
"Wait!" We stop at the door way.
"Roxas, I don't want to see you coming back here drunk, you understand?"
"Yeah yeah yeah I know what I'm doing..." He walks past me out the front door. Mom looks slightly irritated by his behavior, combing her hair repetitively with her small fingers.
"Don't worry, I'll take care of him."
She rolls her eyes, "Oh please. You can't take care of a drunk guy if you're drunk yourself, guy. Huh?" She stands up and ruffles my hair.
"You're eighteen now, but you're still a damn teenager. And teenagers aren't allowed to drink. It's illegal. So be careful with whatever you decide to do, and don't let your fucking brother drink. Love you. Go on, your friends are waiting." She kisses me on the cheek and I head out.
-x-
Hiro begins cutting the deck of cards as we all gathered in the dinning room.
"This should be good." Axel snickers, leaning back in his seat.
I want to ask what he means by that, but then Hiro speaks up.
""So, before we get into this, do any of you guys know how to play poker?" Hiro asks.
"You don't know how to play poker?" Roxas asks.
"No, I thought one of you guys knew."
"I kinda know the rules." Pence says.
"Why would you call us over for poker night...if you didn't know how to play poker." Kairi pinches the bridge of her nose.
"I see now." I tell Axel. We start watching the seen unfold.
"Why the hell would you guys come over for poker night if you didn't know how to play!?"
Hiro starts to laugh maniacally.
"Hiro it's not funny!" Kairi slams her fist onto the table, shaking the soda in our plastic red cups.
Roxas starts tearing into the snacks, and Pence joins him a second later.
Kairi and Hiro begin to bicker and Namine stands up and hovers over him at the head of the table.
"Move." She pushes him from the chair and takes the cards, "Now I'm only gonna teach you suckers the rules once. I came here to win material possessions and clean house."
-x-
I can only focus on what Namine's saying every now and then.
All I can hear is Sora.
He's not saying anything, but he's calling me over.
Sora sits with the deck of cards in his hands, obviously confused and most likely bored by Namine's boring explanation.
"So, what am I supposed to do if I got nothing?" Hiro asks.
"You fold."
"...Fold?"
She leans back, sighing, "Lose."
"I hate poker!" He flings a card straight at Namine's forehead.
"You asshole!" She erupts.
"I'm taking the throne back." Hiro holds his nose high.
I turn to Sora, "Football?"
"Football."
We align our own cards under the tips of our fingers, and ensue in a football flicking contest.
His card flies over Pence's head, while mine lamely falls into Roxas' soda.
He grins, "Suck it, loser."
I glare, grabbing another card and flinging it oddly into Namine's eye.
"Shit I'm sor-"
"AXEL!" She shrieks as she drops her cards and holds her eye. I laugh out of fear.
-x-
After we got all of the sugar rush out we settled down and decided that a simple game of 21 would be better.
"Are you guys going to Castaway this year?"Kairi asks.
"I'm going!" Hiro replies.
"Castaway?" I inquire.
"We go to the abandoned island and party." Namine says.
"That place..." Axel grumbles.
"You've been?"
The island Kairi talks about is the last of the Destiny Islands. Tsunami's kept making the smallest of the islands disappear, so Kairi's father (the mayor) ordered the last few hundred of residents to evacuate. The island hasn't been inhabited since.
Except for the last week of every summer, where everyone goes there and gets trashed. I haven't been, but Kairi and Namine never ceased to tell me the craziest of stories-even when I was straight-edge.
"It's only so much fun until you're hungover for the last half of the week. Then it's just shit."
"That's only because Axel doesn't know how to pace himself." Hiro snickers, placing his palms against the tables, "Axel just doesn't want to embarrass himself. "
"Shut up."
"Alright then," Hiro pushes himself back on the dining chair, "We'll see in three weeks. Hope you can sit easy in the Mayor's yacht."
"The mayors yacht?" Pence and Roxas jump up.
"You guys go in the mayors yacht? Why didn't you tell me?" I ask her.
I want to ride the mayors yacht. I'm making this reality.
"It's not my dad's yacht! It's just an ordinary boat with rooms."
Axel scoffs, "Yeah, a yacht."
She sighs, "You guys want to come or not?"
"Yeah I want to ride in a yacht!" Roxas shouts.
-x-
I stayed behind after everyone else-other than Roxas-went home to help Axel clean up. Roxas decided to wait in the car and pass out for a while instead of helping out, like a douche bag.
Cards were scattered on the white and silver checkered linoleum floor from when Hiro lost the last game of goldfish. Candy bags and soda layed half emptied on the wooden table. Axel brings in a large garbage bag and I start throwing cans and wrappers away.
I can't get the thought of Castaway out of my mind.
Or maybe the thought of riding in the Mayors yacht.
How did Kairi even convince her father to let her use it?
"Something on your mind?" Axel interrupts my trail of thought. He plants his hands on both sides of me on the table and smiles.
"Have you been to Castaway?"
"Yeah." He says unenthusiastically.
"What really? What happened? When?"
He sighs,"Oh, you don't want to know."
"Yeah I do!"
"Too bad," He sticks his tongue out and I take a bite.
"Ow!"
"Tell me!"
"Yeah, I went." He steals a kiss from me this time, pressing into my body until I was sitting on the table.
"I nearly died."
"From what?"
He chuckles, "Tell you what, how about you make up your own experience when we get there?"
"Why won't you tell me?"
He sighs, "Me and my brother went there with a friend and did a bunch of drugs while he took care of us. The week was over and we came back home. There."
He smiles and pushes himself off of me, continuing the dumping of half emptied soda cans.
"Well, you're gonna have to tell me more than that sooner or later..."I jump off the table and start picking up the cards. I see Axels shoes soon, and he extends his hand out. "Come on."
"What?"
"It's not our mess anyways, Hiro's just a sore loser." I take his hand and we go out into the quiet living room. He pulls me down on him once we reach the couch and wraps his arms around my waist. I relax against his body.
"It was a nightmare." He admits.
"I went there with my brother and some kid I knew on a small boat. I got really sick on the ride over there, and by the time we got there I was passed out. When I woke up, Hiro shoved a bunch of booze and hash in my face, and from then on out I was wasted."
Axel closes his eyes slowly, "I woke up in a ditch with...ugh..." He shivers," Larxene, after the first night. I was pretty pissed, because I told Demyx that he could come if he'd be a good babysitter and he failed like an asshole in less than 48 hours. So for that whole week I was drunk, high, and I had to deal with this girl I actually wanted nothing to do with. By the time it was over I felt so fried out, like the guy you cross the street from just to avoid. Hiro wasn't any better. Hiro and I were so hung over we debated going to the hospital until our mom found out and made us deal with it at home. Third day at home, Larxene managed to find out where I lived, so, being the retarded stupid fuck I am, I said 'yeah I'll go out with you!' and dealt with her for, oh, I don't know, a good chunk of my life I could've used doing anything else. Anything else."
He lets out a huge sigh, "What a mistake..."
"I'd say so..." I let out.
He laughs
"Well, this time'll be better." I offer up. "You actually want to go there still?"
"Why not? It's my last summer here, I want to do something."
"You still wanna come?"
I wait for him.
"Fine, lets go hitch a ride on the Mayors yacht."
Yay!
Axel holds my face and kisses me again, his tongue seamlessly gliding across mine. I kiss him back, a bit shy of myself.
I don't know why.
He flips me on my back, embracing me more and more as he dives into me. His hands grip around my waist harder, and I can barely breath as I keep up. He takes a quick breath, smiling at me and I-I start to lose myself. His green eyes have stricken me.
I feel myself getting harder, and the air around me is just heated. I'm red, I know I am. But his lips, his eyes, his fiery presents engulfs me and it feels as though I'm...
He's gotten further with me than Riku ever has, at least on the physical aspect of sides.
Riku has embraced me, but I've never been under anyone like this...ever.
This is...a first.
And, I don't know whether I should be feeling guilty or not...
Then, it happens.
My hands...they start to burn and I can't shake the feeling...
I'm starting to panic.
"Axel..." I break our kisses. "What?"
"My brother's waiting in the car for me..."I say. I see the disappointment in his face...
He doesn't know.
"Alright," He rests his forehead against my face, smiling, "You're so great."
-x-
"Call me when you get home, or else I'm gonna have to sneak over."
"Well, don't leave any tracks."
We share a laugh.
It's the hottest month out of the year, eighty-two degrees outside at midnight. We can hear the ocean as usual, and the stars are out dancing in the skies tonight. Axel and I sit on the top of my trunk as Roxas is knocked out in the back seat.
I ask him, "You think Castaway is going to be fun?"
"We'll make it fun."
He holds my hand tight and we sit in silence, gazing down the quiet road.
He asks me, "What's going to happen after Castaway?"
"Well...I leave by the end of the first week of September. So...maybe I can just spend it with you..."
"Yeah." He answers immediately.
I meet his gaze, and it...it doesn't feel good.
I...
I don't want to be that far away from Axel.
I don't want to move at all.
I just want to stay here.
….Shit, I don't want to move...
"Sora?"
I wrap my arms around his shoulders and kiss him fearlessly.
I can't stop.
I...don't want us to end.
But...
There it is again.
The burning...
The stinging...
I pull away and squeeze him tight.
"You okay, Sora?" He wraps his arms around me tight.
"Yeah..."
He only squeezes me tighter.
-x-
There his car goes, leaving me in the dust yet again. Maybe a harsh way to describe it, but I just feel like shit right now.
After Sora's car is long gone I stand in the street, wishing I had a remote to control time.
Wouldn't that be great? To be able to have all the time in the world with you, Sora...?
I kick two small rocks before heading back inside again. I forget about the mess in the kitchen all together and head upstairs.
Hiro's in bed, eating ramen and checking out bitches on the t.v.
I close the door and lay on my bed, staring at the wooden boards above. "Sora go home?" Hiro asks.
"Yeah." I answer.
I take out my phone and start looking at pictures I took of him.
My favorite one of him at the beach, a close up of his stellar face. His big blue eyes peaking out of the wild that is his hair as he layed comfortably on the white sands. Bits of sand stuck to his wet face, only making him more flawless.
He's just so fucking cute.
I've masturbated a number of...
Well, let's say that number's above twenty—twenty times I've masturbated to these photos.
….Since we took 'em...five days ago? Yeah.
I know I know, where do I find the time? Well, when insomnia hits, it's the only thing that gets me to bed.
I can't even look at normal porn anymore, all I think of is Sora.
….So why not? He IS my boyfriend after all.
I sigh and flip over on my stomach.
I'm going to miss this kid.
I actually didn't look into what those feelings would entail, so to speak.
It's the opposite of butterflies in my stomach;It's like a bunch of hooligans throwing rocks at glass houses in my stomach.
Why does he have to go so soon? Why wasn't I smart enough to ask him out sooner? We're just getting started here, it's not fair.
So much lost time...
"My head hurts..." I groan, rubbing my throbbing temples.
"I'm surprised at how much you like Sora. Are you still going to see him after he moves?"
Why do you have a voice box right now?
"I don't know...I don't wanna think about it..."
-x-
I rush up the stairs and into my room.
It's hot as hell in here...
I slam the window wide open and turn on the small fan on my desk.
I text Axel I'm home and inform him of my upcoming shower.
"Have fun, text me when your done :P."
Oh, it's much more complicated than that, my boy.
What he doesn't know...
Lock the door.
Turn on the radio.
Head to the shower.
Run back out to grab my inhaler, because I'm hyperventilating.
Head to the shower, turn the water on room temperature.
Look at a picture of Axel.
Goddamn he's beautiful...Perfect.
The tip of my dick is soaked in pre-cum.
I'm biting my bottom lip, nearly drooling over his gorgeous, tatted face.
I don't know how long I stroke myself outside of my shorts, staring at multiple pictures of him before heading to the next phase.
I put my phone down and tear off my clothes. I immerse myself completely under the water before grabbing my bare dick. I place one hand against the wall and my hair under the lukewarm water.
As my hair began to fully soak my eyes fall shut. I hear the soft beat of my radio outside the bathroom, and focus on my breathing. I open my eyes slightly and see my olive skin just barely beating over my heart.
I feel so lightheaded.
This isn't usual, and this isn't me.
I...tend to hold back a lot.
I...have a schedule...of when I basically fuck myself.
But it's being tested...
And screwed with.
This is off schedule, off balance.
Once every three weeks. Five minute limit, that's it. Maybe twice, if I'm feeling okay.
But Axel...
It's whenever we part ways like... like that.
Whenever he just takes me...His wonderful wide grin of success when he knows he has me wrapped around his finger...
I can't get the thought of you out of my head.
I start stroking myself slowly, rubbing the head of my dick with my thumb every now and then. As I pick up speed, I rest my forearm against the wall of my shower and lean against it.
I bite my bottom lip, trying to conceal my pants.
Oh Axel...
Thousands of fantasies fly through my mind, I'm losing track of time.
What he probably doesn't know, is that I'm just as much of a power top.
Oh...you'd be surprised Axel...
...If I let you into my head.
I can't stop thinking of him and-and his body...how perfect it is. I imagine his lips around my throbbing cock, cumming deep within his throat as I pump into his mouth, my hands wrapped tightly around his hair...
I wonder if he can deep throat...
My dick tenses and I feel my cum rushing out of me at the thought of my head hitting the back of his throat.
"A-A-Axeeel..." I moan out, and instinctively cradle the head of my dick, catching as much of my seed as I could.
Without thinking, I bring it up to my mouth and swallow every drop.
I'm thick, and sticky. Slightly salty, slightly sweet.
A little bitter.
My heart rate drops, my breathing slows, and I can hear the beats of music and water drops again.
I am brought down to Earth again.
Brought down to the sick motherfucker I really am.
The last phase.
No time to waste, I turn the water up as high as I can stand it and start scrubbing every inch of my body with soap.
Scrub.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Scrub.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Scrub.
Rinse.
Repeat.
I begin to sob, but I bite my lip.
Hold it in, you fucking pussy.
It's burns...it stings. I need it to stop.
Scrub.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Scrub.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Scrub.
Rinse.
Repeat.
The water isn't hot enough for me soon, so I turn it up until the dial reaches the end.
Damn, still not hot enough.
Scrub.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Scrub.
Rinse.
I'm out of body wash.
Rinse.
The waters cold now.
I push open my orange shower curtains and dry myself off. I brush my teeth and grab a tee shirt and boxers.
"Done." I text Axel as I settled into bed and turn the t.v on.
My phone rings, it's Axel.
I pick up.
"Missed ya there."
I smile, "I wasn't too long, was I?"
I'm...broken.
...Infected.
...Ill.