March 21, 2019
I shift in our bed opening my eyes, and watch Will sleep, as the sun begins to rise outside. My heart is full this morning after the terrifying past two days of our lives, coupled with the significance of today. I can barely believe Will made it out of such cruel circumstances last night. After seeing fully his injuries, I'm not convinced he shouldn't still see a doctor. One who doesn't work for drug smugglers. My opposition to representing this man, who harmed him, is great. But I realize there isn't really a decent way around the situation.
I place a gentle hand on his arm, more for my own peace of mind than anything else. I don't want to wake him, the exhaustion in his eyes last night is something I haven't seen in… well probably a year when I woke up hours after giving birth to Mira. The amount of stress and agony I have caused him over the years is nothing short of enormous. His heart has paid a high price in having such a steadfast belief and strength in us, in me. A debt of love I'll never be able to repay.
Mira begins to fuss. I turn the monitor off so it doesn't wake Will, and shuffle my way out of bed. The large dark brown eyes that greet me as I enter the nursery melt my heart, a constant reminder to me of her father.
"Moma," she says, holding out her arms, standing in the crib.
"Happy Birthday baby," I say, pulling her in for a hug, placing a kiss on top of her head.
I take her to the kitchen where Joan has now appeared. She gives Mira a hug and kiss before making the two of us some coffee. I slice a banana, and place it along side some dry cheerios on Mira's tray before I sit at the table next to Joan.
"How's Will?" she questions, with a look of concern that she held in quite well last night.
I bite my lower lip, taking in a deep breath through my nose. There is no need to lie to her. "He's sleeping." I can't bring myself to meet her gaze. "It's awful Joan." I can feel a lump forming in my throat. "What they did to him was torture, and they should have to pay for it. Instead, we're going to represent them, and act like nothing happened." I realize how angry I am as the words slip from my mouth. I muster up the strength to look at her.
"Does he need a doctor?" she inquires.
I'm reminded in this moment of Joan's chosen profession. I glance over towards my bedroom, and then back to her. A retired pediatrician would have the skill and knowledge necessary to help him, or at least know if he needed further examining. "He's seen one, a man who works for the people who did this to him. Maybe you could take a look and make sure I applied his bandages correctly, and that the medication he was given is, appropriate."I don't know that Will will agree to an exam by his mother. I also don't know if it was fair for me to ask her to look at the harm that fell upon her son. But I would feel a whole lot better knowing he had the treatment he really needs.
She nods, yet remains calm, and doesn't say anything as she stands to take her mug to the sink. She pauses behind me placing her hand on my shoulder squeezing softly.
"It will be okay Alicia," she reassures me. I look up at her. There is real honesty in her words, even though I can see the pain for her son in her eyes. As angry as I am, I know she's right. I place my hand over hers as a gesture to let her know I understand.
"Did you decide on a flavor for the cake?" she inquires after a few moments of silence.
"Banana, I think. It's not common for birthday cake, but Mira would probably prefer it to other flavors." I glance over to the Mira who is quite content placing cheerios in her mouth. My heart settles some. Watching her allows my mind to wonder to more pleasant things, like her birthday party later today.
"Banana it is," she says, with a smile. She offered to make Mira's cake, and I have no doubt it will be amazing.
I stay in my pajamas all morning. I don't want to disturb Will, and since there isn't really anyplace we need to go this morning, I figure I can help put up the party decorations Grace has brought just fine in my current attire.
As the morning continues, I have to smile at Zach sitting on the floor stacking blocks with Mira. He used to do the same thing with Grace when they were little. Sometimes I have to laugh to myself, I'm really too old to be raising a young child again, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank heavens Will still seems to have the energy of a thirty-year old, because I couldn't keep this up on my own.
In the late morning Will makes his way down the hall, I can tell he's stiff and in pain. I move next to him, and give him a quick kiss. "Sit down. Let me get you something to eat." He nods, and moves over to the couch. As soon as Mira sees him she pulls herself up to a standing position and toddles her way over to him. A large grin crosses his lips as he picks her up, placing her on his lap. "How's daddy's girl?" he asks, taking the block she offers him out of her hand.
"Dada play blocks?" she questions him.
"Yes sweetie, daddy will play blocks with you." He gingerly shifts to the floor.
Sometime later Will and I head to our room to get dressed for the day. We are meeting the rest of the family in Greenwich Village for the afternoon. A few minutes later there is a knock on the door. Will opens it, and lets his mother in.
"Let me take a look at you," she says, closing the door behind her. He glances over to me, with a knowing look in his eyes. He knows full well I put her up to this.
"Mom, I'm fine," he tries to reassure her.
"William, I've watched the way you've moved around all morning. Bandages and medication does not sound fine to me. Just let me make you're not getting any sort of infection."
I move to stand on the other side of him, opposite his mother. He glances at both of us, and then sighs. "One of you, I could take. But both of you together isn't worth the fight," he smiles, and sits on the bed. He looks at Joan. "I'd prefer Alicia help me off with my shirt. No offense mom, but I don't want to feel like I'm six again."
His gaze then turns to me. "I will get you for this!"
We all laugh as I move closer to help him with the shirt. After Joan and I place clean bandages on his hack, and she checks his rib, she examines the bottle of pills he was given. "This should do the trick, but you should really stay home and rest this afternoon. I think you'll find walking around the village for hours quite painful with that rib."
Against his desires, he stayed home. When all of returned in the early evening, he was sound asleep on the sofa.
When we originally purchased our apartment there was part of me that thought it was far more space than we needed. It was just Will and I. But I'm grateful now to have the space. With nearly everyone on both sides of our family here we need it.
The next few hours are focused on Mira. Will sits on the floor behind her to help her open her gifts. It's no surprise she finds the colorful wrapping more interesting than the gifts themselves.
Soon it's time for cake. Mira sits on Will's lap as Joan places a beautiful butterfly shaped cake on the table in front of them. It looks like it was professionally made. I envy the baking talent of this woman. I have never been one with the ability to decorate a cake.
After we sing, and take what seems like a thousand pictures, I slice the cake, and place a piece in front of Mira and Will with a fork so he can help her. Grace catches my sly move immediately.
"Mom, you have to let her eat it by herself. That's part of the fun." Grace takes the fork from Will's hand and gives it to Mira.
Everyone's eyes are on me, including Sara's nine and thirteen year olds.
"Sis, put a bib on her, and let it go. It won't kill you if she makes a mess with her birthday cake," Owen interjects. Will chuckles and I give in.
I then look him in they eye. "You can bathe her tonight, because I promise you there will be cake in places you would never think." He just grins at me as Mira puts the fork down, grabbing the slice of cake with her fingers.
It's actually adorable to watch her eat it, and I get the perfect shot of Will kissing her frosting covered cheek. I've hardly had time to reflect back on this day a year ago. Each year on Grace and Zach's birthdays, memories of their births always come to mind. It's been a little different today with Mira, since I was unconscious when she was pulled from the womb. My first memories of her, are from many hours after she was born when Will brought her to see me. I've never been so terrified in my entire life as I was when we first arrived at the hospital that night. I never thought I'd live to see this day.
"You okay?" Will whispers in my ear, as he sits next to me on the sofa.
"Yes," I reassure him with a smile. I must have looked concerned dabbling in my thoughts. We sit quietly next to each other watching everyone around us. Mom is busy telling Joan of her latest travel adventures. Grace and Zach get out a board game to play with Anna and Adam. Owen, Aubrey, her husband, and Sara are having a debate over current politics. I look down at the floor where Mira is happy playing with her new toys. Will places his arm around me, and I settle against his shoulder. Both of us content to watch everyone else.
"It's time for the birthday girl to go to bed," I say sometime later, leaning over to pick Mira up. "Tell your sister Grace thank you for throwing you such a nice party." I hand Mira to Grace who gives her a big hug before returning her to my arms.
"Wait, just a minute," Aubrey says standing, grabbing her husband's hand so he'll stand next to her. "We have something to tell everyone."
All eyes move to the couple standing in front of the fireplace. I glance over to Will. I have a feeling I know what this all about, but I'm trying to not get my hopes up.
"We're having a baby!" she says with enthusiasm, and a few tears. This is wonderful news. Even more so for those of us in the room who know what a struggle it's been for them to conceive. Will and I had no idea of the struggle they'd been through until after Mira was born. Aubrey came to visit a month after Mira entered the world, and fell to pieces as soon as Will put the baby into her arms. After two years of tests, and fertility drugs this is heartfelt news.
I stayed up late to spend some quiet time with Zach and Grace. They will be heading back to school tomorrow. I can't believe Zach will be graduating in another six weeks. It's almost humorous to think I have a child graduating from college, and one who just turned a year old. Sometimes I miss the times when they were young and life seemed simpler, but I enjoy watching them turn into adults. I don't know how I feel about Zach having a serious girlfriend, or the fact that Grace is getting ready to take the LSAT, and begin applying for law school in the fall. At the time I thought it was great she had so much college credit before her freshman year, and it is good. But the idea that she could be practicing law in four short years is bittersweet for a mother's heart.
I move close to Will as I climb into bed. He's holding a photo taken of us with Mira in the hospital. "Can you believe it's been a whole year?"
I entwine my arm with his and place a soft kiss on his cheek. "No, I can't." I say resting my head on his shoulder gazing at the photo in his hands.
"I still can't think about that day without feeling terrified, and overjoyed all at the same time," he admits. He places the photo back on the bedside table, and pulls me in closer. "I don't think I would have made it through this past year without you."
I entwine my fingers with his and look up into his eyes. "You could have. You're a wonderful father, and Mira wouldn't be any less loved if I weren't here."
He places a kiss on my forehead. "All I could think about while I was being held was you and Mira." His grasp on me tightens. "I was so scared I'd never see you again. Never be sitting right here with you again."
His admittance is hard to swallow. I look up into his eyes, which show a blank sorrowful look. I've been so concerned about his physical well being, it hadn't even occurred to me the mental toll the experience may have had on him. I'm so used to him being the strong one emotionally between us. In this moment, I know it's my turn to take on the role of emotional support for awhile. I reach my hands to his face, pressing my fingers so he'll look at me. "Are you okay?"
He leans in pressing his temple to mine. "I think so. It was just too much Leesh." He shakes his head. "Too much," he whispers.
There have only been a few times during our years together where I've seen tears in his eyes, and this is one of them. A few of my own tears spill from my eyes as we continue to look at each other. I run my thumb across his cheek. "It's going to be okay, because I'm here for you." His head falls to my shoulder, and I wrap my arm around his neck. "I'm here, and we're safe." I whisper.
We remain like this for a few more minutes. No more words need to be said as we settle under the sheets together. As we drift off to sleep it's me with an arm around him tonight, providing the comfort and support.
A/N; Thank you all so much for reading this! I have to admit that even though updates are slow, I really love writing this one.