A/N: I'm sorry, once again, for failing to update on Sunday. Anyway, here's the chapter! Also, the opinions that Sirius has about Emma (the novel by Jane Austen) are strictly his own, and are in no way mine. I'm sorry for any mistakes I've made regarding the use of wingmen in advance.

QOTD: "It felt like the worst ass-kicking he'd ever gotten. And he'd gotten plenty." Once again, Colin Singleton, who is basically one of those characters that can somehow annoy you, make you feel bad for him, and have you laugh actually out loud at the same time.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, the concept of a wingman (not the pilot kind), or Emma. That belongs to J. K. Rowling, Jane Austen, and some random person who decided that using a wingman/friend to help get a date or whatever would be an awesome idea.

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Ten Charms Every Witch Needs to Know

Hogwarts might have taught you the spells you need in order to actually function properly in life, but what about those times when you just need one particular charm, yet no one ever told you what it was or how to use it?

With the help of our loyal readers—that's you!—we've managed to gather a list of the top-ten charms you'll need as a witch, in class, work, or just everyday life. Maybe you know of these; maybe you don't, but whichever it is, we guarantee that you'll be using at least one of these charms every day after reading this article.

Number 10: A Beauty Spell!

Yes, it sounds extremely shallow, but it's also more useful than you think; after all, haven't you ever had one of those days where your body is determined to make you look as unattractive as possible for absolutely no reason at all? A beauty spell won't make you perfect, of course, but it will be able to show how beautiful you are, both on the inside and the outside.

After all, who wouldn't like to look like their best self every day with just a flick of the wand and a muttered incantation?

—Retrieved from the Charms classroom, Teen Witch Issue No. 229

o o o

Sometimes, the girl you like just needs to see you in a better light. Maybe she thinks that you're arrogant or just plain annoying, but it isn't impossible to change with some help from your friends. Have your closest friends—or not so close friends, for that matter—bring up your good points while talking to her. She'll never look at you the same way again! —Eliza W., Bath, England

"At least this is one that fits you," Sirius comments. "Arrogant and annoying are definitely two things Evans has called you in the past twenty-four hours."

"Right?" James asks excitedly. "This will be perfect—oi! Was that an insult?"

"Good job on the pick-up, Potter," Marlene says dryly. "Maybe next you'll realize that the sky is blue."

"Anyway, all the four of you have to do is tell Lily about everything I'm good at, and she'll fall in love with me instantly, just like the article says. It's easy," James says.

"Wait, so we're your wingmen?" Remus asks. "No. I'm not going to make up some fake tragic backstory so Lily will see the good in you and decide to make out with you as a prize for your heroism."

"That's what a wingman is?" Peter asks. "I thought it was like a pilot or something."

"That's the correct definition," Remus says, sighing. "Unfortunately, some prat decided to turn it into someone that helps his friend "win over" the girl who has absolutely no interest in the friend at all."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Marlene says, holding up a hand. "What's with all the male pronouns? Wingwoman here? Hello?"

"Fine, wingwoman, wingman," Remus says, rolling his eyes. "Let's call it wingperson and be done with it already. Look, the point is, wingmen don't and have never worked. Why do you expect that it will now, with a girl that has even less interest in you than the usual girl in these situations?"

"The backstory doesn't have to be completely fake," James protests. "Besides, you're just bringing up my many wonderful features to Lily. That isn't being a wingman. Being a wingman is flirting with her friend in order to leave her alone without her friend so I can flirt with her."

"If she didn't hate you so much, you would probably do that," Remus replies. "Also, I didn't understand you for about half a minute because of all those "hers". Proper nouns are your friend, James."

"Grammar, schmammer, whatever," James says.

"Schmammer isn't a word."

"Come on," James says. "Each of you only have to go up to her once. It'll take five minutes, tops."

"All of us have to go up to her?" Peter asks. "What do we even say? Oh, by the way, I just thought you'd like to know that my friend James who you hate is actually a very nice and charming person?"

"Exactly!" James says. "See, Peter already knows how to do it.

"Are you insane, Potter?" Marlene asks. "What Pettigrew said sounds terrible. Yes, it may seem true in your tiny brain, but if he says that to Lily, she'll think you're more delusional than you already are."

"So do I say something like, Hi, I'm Sirius, or as you like to call me, Black, and my good friend James would like to say that he is a very brave person? In fact, he even saved me from great danger once while putting his life at risk?" Sirius asks.

"What danger?" Remus frowns, and Sirius winces at the thought that Remus probably thinks that it's a reference to the incident with Snivellus at the Willow (if he could ever undo anything in his entire life, it would be that).

"That's still not very good, but anything's better than what Pettigrew said," Marlene replies.

"Oh! When I saved you from choking on that chicken yesterday?" James grins. "That was really brave, wasn't it?"

"I take that back," Marlene says. "It's officially a hundred times worse than Pettigrew's example. Seriously? Giving the Heimlich maneuver requires bravery?"

"What's the Hammer maneuver? I just pounded on Sirius's back really hard, and he spit out the chicken. And it was brave! His spit landed on me when the chicken came out. I almost died. It was disgusting."

"Thank you for that informative and clearly useless explanation," Marlene drawls. "Lupin. Let's hear yours."

"McKinnon, Lily's going to stop listening when I say "James" anyway. Why do I have to do this?"

"For our amusement. Go, Lupin."

"Lily. James wants to be your adoring and overly devoted boyfriend. Please say yes to his offer of going to Hogsmeade with him to save me from the pain and torture of having to partake in his ridiculous schemes." Remus drones.

"Fine," Marlene says. "Potter, you be as invisible as you can in the background while we say our made-up anecdotes and sing praises about your inability to brush your hair correctly. Now, let's go be wingpeople or whatever."

o o o

Peter is apparently up first, even though he protests repeatedly that he has no idea what he's doing. James seems to have taken the phrase "be invisible" to heart, as Sirius, Remus, Marlene, and James are hiding under James's invisibility cloak, which Sirius has come to realize really has gotten too small to fit four people under (either that, or it's because Marlene takes up a lot more space than Peter does, since she insists on an arms-length distance between her and everyone else).

"Er, hello, Evans—I mean Lily—I mean Evans. Lily Evans. Hi."

"Pettigrew," Evans says, acknowledging him with a small nod before turning back to her huge and most likely extremely boring book.

"You know James, right?"

"Yes. I know the person who has been the most insufferable and arrogant person on the face of the earth for the past four years," she replies, still reading.

"She knows me!" James whispers excitedly.

"Potter, do you have the ability to close your ears whenever you want or something so you only hear the positive or just slightly insulting things people say?" Marlene asks.

"Right," Peter says. "Um, he's actually a good person."

"Really. Can you explain to me why he hexes people randomly on a daily basis?"

"Well, um, Peeves does that too," Peter replies.

"Peeves. Yes, Peeves and Potter are extremely similar. Potter is also a poltergeist with no known origin that floats around the castle wrecking havoc and terrorizing frightened First-Years."

"Well—I mean," Peter says, attempting to backtrack. "Actually, don't you think James has nice eyes?"

"Eyes?" Evans asks, looking up from her book, a confused expression on her face.

"Yeah! Eyes!" Peter replies excitedly. "They're all swirly and brown. And his teeth! Aren't they just so shiny and white? His teeth are like mirrors. Tiny mirrors."

"Teeth. Mirrors. Hooray."

"James is handsome too, right?" Peter asks.

"Pettigrew, are you trying to confess to me your undying love for Potter or something?" Evans asks, a smirk on her face.

"What? No! Not that there's anything wrong with James or anything, I'm just not attracted to him. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be! I mean, I like Hestia. I like her a lot, and I don't like James. Not in that way. But you should!" Peter says quickly, flustered.

"Right."

After a few more uncomfortable moments, Peter decides to leave quickly, his face so red it looks like it's feverish, and Evans returns to her book.

The next one to go and attempt to persuade Evans that James is absolutely perfect and they would be even more perfect together is a disgruntled Remus, who has to be shoved out of the cloak by Marlene, causing the tall boy to knock over two tiny First-Years.

"Hi, Lily," he says, stumbling over his feet.

"Remus!" Evans says, closing her book.

"Um, what book are you reading?" Remus asks, looking as if he has no idea what he should be doing (a sentiment shared by Sirius as well).

"Oh! It's Emma, by Jane Austen," Evans explains. "It's an extremely famous Muggle novel—well, you know that, I'm sure—and it's actually quite interesting. It's much more humorous than her earlier novels, you see, even if I found Emma more than slightly annoying at first."

Evans continues talking to Remus about the book (which proves Sirius's earlier theory correct that it is extremely boring), and Remus actually seems to be absorbed in the conversation, nodding and adding his own input once in a while.

"He isn't doing what he's supposed to!" James says, fidgeting impatiently in the cloak. "He isn't complimenting me at all."

Finally, Remus seems to realize where he is. "Oh! I completely forgot what I came here for!" he exclaims, clapping his forehead in an over-exaggerated motion.

"Lily, you remember what happened with James a few days ago, right?" Remus asks.

"What? The time when he tried to give me a inedible scone, the time he gave me a puppy, or the time he decided to have Marlene be his fake girlfriend?"

Remus winces. "No, I mean that day when he was actually pretty nice to everyone, especially you? Remember?"

"And then he snapped and started ranting about hating everyone, especially Sev—Snape."

"But he was nice, right?" Remus presses on.

"Sure," Evans says, her eyes rolling back so far Sirius is pretty sure that all there are is the whites, causing her book to slip out from her hands and onto the floor. "Oh!"

"Here," Remus says, bending over and picking up the book. "What page were you on?"

"Um, Emma just insulted Miss Bates, I think," Evans replies.

"Insulting Miss Bates, got it," Remus says. "Chapter 43, I think?"

"Thank you, Remus," she replies, looking flustered, her long hair falling into her face. "I think I can find the page again."

"Um, so anyway, James is a real gentleman," Remus says, while tucking a piece of Evan's hair beneath her ear. "He's chivalrous and smart and—"

"He isn't a fan of Austen's works like you and I are, though," Evans interrupts—and is she actually batting her eyelashes at Remus? "And come on, Remus, Potter could never be as considerate as you are."

"That's it," James sighs, throwing his hands up in the air and almost causing the cloak to fall. "Remus is officially the worst wingman ever. Who goes to get the girl of his friend's dreams to fall in love with his friend, but end up actually getting the girl instead?"

"Every wingman that ever existed," Marlene replies. "Don't worry, though. Unlike the others, I doubt Lupin likes her as anything more than an incredibly dull conversation partner for Muggle literature and history."

Sure enough, Remus seems to have realized this quick turn of events. "Um, Lily, I think you might have the wrong idea," he says, backing away slowly. "I mean, you're just a friend. A really good friend, though! Like, a really, really good one, but not one of those friends that reaches girlfriend status. But that doesn't mean you'll never reach girlfriend status! Maybe with James, though. Did I mention that James is really nice and a gentleman when he wants to be?"

Remus continues babbling for some more time, before finally stopping, and leaving a silence even more awkward than the one previously between Evans and Peter.

"Um, I'm just going to go now," Remus says. "I think. Really, though, James can be caring. And sweet. And—yeah, I'm going to go."

After Remus's disastrous attempt, James decides that Sirius, for whatever reason, should be the one to do damage control.

"He owes me at least four weeks of being my servant now," Sirius mutters under his breath as he walks over to Evans.

"Oi, Evans," he says, tapping her on her shoulder. "Evans. Evans."

"What do you want, Black?" she sighs, putting down her book again, this time folding over the corner as a temporary bookmark.

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for Remus rejecting you," he replies, trying to sound as sincere as possible.

"No, no, it's fine," she says, sighing again. "I mean, I didn't honestly think that he would like me back, but it was just a small crush—well, not even that—anyways. Practically nonexistent. Also, it was an easy way for him to stop talking about how Potter is just so wonderful and perfect and charming. I should have tried it with Pettigrew before. Wait—you aren't here to do the same thing, right?"

"Um," Sirius says uncomfortably. "I mean, no! Definitely not! It isn't like I was planning to tell you about how James really likes animals and books and saved me from death by chicken once and can also do a Dionysus Dive perfectly. No. Ha. Ha."

"That's great, Black. Now, this probably sounds extremely rude, but can you please leave? I only have seven chapters left in Emma." Evans says, returning back to her book.

"Let me do this for you, Black," Marlene sighs, coming out of (literally) nowhere and pushing Sirius out of her path with way too much force. "Lily, Potter likes you. He likes you a lot, and you don't have to worry about him trying anything with you, because his fantasies are of the two of you kissing passionately without any tongue whatsoever under the setting sun and then riding off on a unicorn into the Palace of Sugary Puke or whatever. Both of you are prudes, so you'll be perfect for each other. Kiss kiss, marry marry, be disgustingly happy forever."

"Really, Marlene?" Evans asks, raising her eyebrows. "You're doing this, too?"

"What? All I'm saying is that you two will be the best couple on earth because Potter cares way too much about completely unimportant things like five day anniversaries and stuff like that, will hex anyone who comes to close to you even if they're only looking for help with a Charms essay or something, and is stupidly in love with you despite the fact that ninety-nine percent of the things you've ever said to him are insults. If that's not your perfect man, I don't know what is."

"Marlene, Black, I know what you're trying to do, and it isn't working. Now, like I said before, can you please just let me read in peace?"

"Sure," Marlene says. "Just remember, stupidly in love with you."

"Reading."

As Sirius walks away, though, he turns around, and sees Evans looking thoughtful, as if she's actually reconsidering the idea of James. Smiling, he lets himself be tugged away by Marlene, but not without filing the memory away in the back of his brain.

o o o

"You all officially fail at being wingpeople," James sighs dramatically. "Peter, you managed to make Lily think that you were in love with me; Remus, you almost made Lily fall in love with you; Sirius, I'm pretty sure Lily shut you down before you even started; and I don't even want to know what you did, McKinnon."

"In other words, it's everything that has ever happened in history when a person tried to use a wingman or a wingperson," Remus replies. "You actually thought this would be a good idea?"

James chooses to ignore the question, as usual, instead sighing again and falling backwards onto his bed.

"Of course he thought it would be a good idea," Peter says. "James can't even stay awake in History of Magic when he needs to; you think that he would know the history of this instead?"

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