2030 For Real

Barney's bachelor pad. Well…its not bachelor pad in the true sense these days, since his daughter lives there. Since 2020, he has been living in a 3 bedroom apartment in the same building. One bedroom for himself, one for Ellie, and one for his suits, of course. The apartment is still decorated to Barney's tastes…well not entirely. Ellie's room is as girly as girly can be (pink curtains, dollhouses, Barbie paraphernalia, pink linens, etc)

September 27, 2030. Barney's living room (which is still decorated the way we know it; the stormtrooper outfit is still there). Ted is sitting on the couch and his hair is gray. (On the finale to me, he looked like Dan Rather in the late 1980s) He is smiling with a big glare in his eyes, like Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Twins" after doing Kelly Preston.

TED: Hey Barn, could you get me a Budweiser?

Enter Barney, suited up like usual. His hair is also silver-gray.

BARNEY: Here you go Ted…[notices Ted's face] whoa! Someone got lucky today… c'mon! Give me all the details!

TED: [coyly, still smilling like Arnold in "Twins"] I'm not sure if I should…

BARNEY: Don't worry…Ellie is at a slumber party. She won't be back until Sunday. No need to censor yourself…

[buzzing sound]

COMPUTERIZED MALE: Visitor here to see you. Name: Marshall Gustav Eriksen. Date of Birth: February 4, 1978. Social Security: 476…

BARNEY: Okay let him up.

Enter Marshall, bald, no moustache

MARSHALL: Hey, guys, sorry I'm late for Trilogy Time. I had this meeting with the publisher that went overtime…[sees Ted's glare]. Oh my God! You lost your virginity today!

TED: I lost my virginity in the 1990s!

MARSHALL: Trust me, I'm a state supreme court judge. According to the New York statute of limitations, if you haven't had sex for 5 years, you are a virgin again. And let's see, you stopped having sex in 2024 after Tracy passed away and this is 2030. So as of 2029 you were a virgin…until today, that is.

BARNEY: So come on! Let's hear all the details!

TED: [laughing] Wouldn't you rather like to hear how Marshall's book about the environment is coming along? Al Gore, Marshall is gonna put you to shame!

MARSHALL: I want to hear more about Ted too. It's only once that a person loses his virginity… twice in Ted's case.

BARNEY: Details, details...

TED: For God's sake, this is your ex-wife we're talking about here!

BARNEY AND MARSHALL: [in unison] Details, details…

TED: [sighing gruntingly] Okay, here it goes…

15 minutes later

MARSHALL: Wow! That is amazing!

TED: If she knew those moves back in 2006, maybe we'd have stayed together!

BARNEY: Hey! I taught her some of those moves when I was married to her!

MARSHALL: Could you teach me some of those, Barney? Lily and I love to try out new techniques, and we have finished reading the Kama Sutra from A to Z.

TED: But the thing she loved the most about me is little Ted today. She says it's the biggest she has ever seen!

BARNEY: She said that to me too when we were married! Women say that to everyone guy they sleep with.

TED: She told me mine was bigger than Gael's back in 2007!

BARNEY: Bet she didn't tell that to Gael!

TED: You wanna start?

MARSHALL: Let's go measure them. Barney, do you still have a hidden stash of playboy magazines?

BARNEY: Yes and some electronic measuring devices. Let's find out.

10 minutes.

MARSHALL: Okay, here are the results. I got 8.5 inches…not surprising, since Scandinavians are well endowed. Ted, you got 6.6 inches.

BARNEY: Dude! That is average!

MARSHALL: Barney, you got 6.2!

BARNEY: OMG, I'm inadequate…I'm inadequate…it's not legendary…

TED: Barn, it's not the size that matters. It's how you use it. That's what makes it legendary. Okay, let's change the topic; this is getting a little too disturbing for even Barney!

BARNEY: It's not legendary…it's average…

TED: So, Marshall, how's Marv doing at Wesleyan?

MARSHALL: It was a little bit of a rough start, but he's finally adjusted. He decided to be a history major and he's going pre-law. Hopefully, he'll follow in my footsteps and go to Columbia Law.

BARNEY: Great! How is Stuyvesant treating Daisy?

MARSHALL: Making the High Honor Roll all the time…nailed the PSATs last year, should nail it again this year and become a National Merit Scholar. And Marshall Junior is prepping to the admissions test. Hopefully we'll see him at Bronx or Stuyvesant soon.

TED: I wish them all the best.

BARNEY: Ted, Penny is only one year junior to Daisy. How is high school treating her?

TED: She's doing pretty good too. Making honor roll all the time too. She wants to go into economics and journalism, just like Tracy and Robin. She has her eyes set on going to this combined 5-year program at Columbia where she can get her bachelors in econ, then get a Masters from the Journalism school. Robin is trying to get her an internship at WWN.

MARSHALL: Hope Sandy Rivers doesn't make a pass at her.

TED: I've told Robin and Patrice to kick him in the nads if such a thing happens.

BARNEY: Bet his is smaller than mine. Speaking of kids, Ellie is doing well in the 5th grade. Actually she got the lead part in the school play which will happen in December, just before Christmas break. She invited all of you and Robin to show up. She especially want Luke to show up for some reason.

MARSHALL: [grinning and chuckling] She still has a crush on him…how cute!

BARNEY: No she doesn't! Don't say that!

TED: Barney, she's growing up. In 3 years, she's going to be asked out on dates. You cannot be the only man in her life. When was the last time you dated or even had a one night stand?

BARNEY: Well, let's see… 20?[counting fingers]

MARSHALL: Oh my god! You're a virgin!

BARNEY: No! It can't be! You're talking to the Playbook I and II author!

TED: Sorry! Statute of Limitations makes no exceptions!

MARSHALL: You need to get back on the dating seen soon. The worst thing in life is to be alone.

TED: Robin and I can attest to that.

MARSHALL: Speaking of which, when are you going to marry Robin, Ted? Time is ticking!

TED: Cool it bro! We've only been dating for a week! I get enough pressure from the kids! They're already pissed at me for boring them with the story of how I met Tracy. Robin and I want to take it a little slowly this time.

BARNEY: Seriously, how slow?

TED: I want to give it two years, at least.

MARSHALL: Please don't turn it into a five year engagement! I don't want to have to conduct another "Robintervention". The one we did last week to convince you to open your heart to her was more than enough.

TED: I won't but we're both a little scared. I still have the kids to think about. Though they've given me their blessing, I gotta make sure they end up in good colleges. I know they'll get legacy points at Wesleyan because of me, and at Columbia because of Tracy and my professorship, but that's not a guarantee.

MARSHALL: Robin can help out big time. She loves your kids like they're her own. You know she's very ambitious and self-driven. She holds degrees from McGill and the University of British Columbia, in case you don't remember. Her standards are very high.

BARNEY: But those are not real schools. Those are Canadian schools.

MARSHALL: Dude! I went to Columbia! I am aware of the top universities in the world. Robin's alma maters are on par with the Ivy Leagues! Even if Penny ended up going to one of those places, it'd be a very good thing.

BARNEY: Of course! If Ted doesn't mind his own daughter saying "aboot", "sohrry", and "leftnant".

TED: Actually, that's not a bad idea.

BARNEY: It's ridonkulous.

MARSHALL: Ted, the concern is not about your kids. Something else is worrying you.

TED: First of all we're not dating as twenty-somethings. We're dating as 52 and 50 year olds. I want her to be okay with the fact that occasionally, I will be missing her. I don't want her to get mad at me for that. Plus, I need to make sure I can put up with empty cartons in the fridge.

MARSHALL: Those are trifles! Something else is worrying you!

TED: Robin already failed at a marriage once.

BARNEY: It wasn't a failure! It was a successful marriage that only lasted 3 years!

TED: I want a successful marriage that lasts until the 2060s when we're old and on our deathbeds. Plus, I was her first true friend when she moved to this country. I don't want a divorce to ruin it. It almost ruined her friendship with Barney.

BARNEY: Robin and I still pal around! Whenever Ellie and I go for Laser tag, Robin is the first to join us. You know whenever she invites us to dinner, a foreign movie, a musical, or Robots v. Wrestlers, she also invites me. We still have a great time together. We just don't have the sexual chemistry anymore.

MARSHALL: We're not rushing you into marriage tomorrow. You and Robin should take it slow. But if you wait too long, she could leave you. I want to see that you have popped the question by Christmas of next year. Then I want to see you two tie the knot by spring of the following year. No delays, and no French castles. That is the McCosby fantasy, not the Mobatsky fantasy.

TED: Okay, but it seems kind of rushed.

MARSHALL: Trust me, the timing is perfect.

TED: As for you, Marshall, keep pushing it with those publications. In 3 years I want to see you and Lily take a fun-filled trip to Oslo. Tracy's death should have been more of a wake-up call for you, really. Also, you keep talking about growing a moustache, but you always procrastinate. And now you are bald!

BARNEY: Yeah, Marsh, procrastination is like masturbation. It feels great until you realized you just fudged yourself. (he didn't say 'fudge')

MARSHALL: Dude, research is painstakingly slow. Many don't get it until they are in their 70s. Plus Lilly will never like my moustache.

TED: Not an excuse! Gore was 59. As for you Barney, I want to see you back on the dating scene in 3 years. As for the moustache, don't be cat-whipped! In 2038, you may see Ellie less and less if she does not stay in New York for college.

BARNEY: Okay, but I'm not good at romantic commitment.

MARSHALL: If we take each other's advice, 2033 will be awesome.

BARNEY, TED, MARSHALL: [thinking voices in unison] What does he know?

BARNEY: Okay, TV, turn on Star Wars…

[End of Act 11]