(screen fades from black to color, revealing the set of 'Caged Canary'; the director is sitting in her chair, shoving a muffin in her mouth and jamming to her iPod)
Camera Man: AT. Yo...AT.
AmazonTurk (AT): (oblivious)
Camera Man: (throws stuffed moogle) AT! You're on!
AT: OH! (chokes on muffin and dies...AutoPhoenix activates) Whew! Good thing I remembered that today! (clears throat and takes out iPod buds) Hello. I'm AmazonTurk. You may remember me from such features as 'Sephiroth's Network', 'What Happens in Costa del Sol', 'Part of Life', 'Operation: Assassination' and more recently, the piece you just finished reading, 'Caged Canary'. (camera switches angles and AT is still focused on the first camera) I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the loyal people who have stuck through all of my idiocity, crazy imagination and in some cases, severe angst. (camera switches to first angle again and AT is once again in true focus) So, as a token of my thanks, I would like to present to you, my loyal viewers, this outtake reel from 'Caged Canary'. Enjoy.
Camera Man: Good job, AT.
AT: (grumbling) I hope these guys appreciate this. I mean, angst is really a good thing! Why do I have to do slapstick all the time...goddamn sons of...
Camera Man: Whoops! Camera's still on!
AT: Oh FU-!!
Outtake One:
"Have you told Rude yet?" Akalara asked.
She shook her head, raking her brain for the date of her last period. Since now and then, she had slept with all three men. Woo boy...this could be sticky. "He might not be the father," she said softly.
Akalara leaned back against her pillows. "Really?" she asked. "Who else could it be?"
Kandi gnawed at her fingernails. "Kuja...or Squall," she answered.
Akalara sat up quickly. "You fucked Squall?!" she shrieked. "You gods damn lucky BITCH! Was he good?"
"Oh hell yeah," she sighed. "You have no idea."
"Damn you," Akalara said, leaning back down and closing her eyes. "How much longer?"
Kandi checked her watch. "A minute and a half," she said.
"How do you feel?"
"Horny."
AT: CUT! Damn, Kandi, can't you do anything right? The line is 'hungry', not 'horny'.
Kandi: But...I'm not hungry. I am horny though. Can't I just go and have sex real fast? It'll make me feel better.
AT: NO! Just do the damn line right! Jesus, everyone else creates good OC's. I get a damn fuck up that is just a stupid damn...take it from Akalara saying 'Damn you.' ACTION!!
"Damn you," Akalara said, leaning back down and closing her eyes. "How much longer?"
Kandi checked her watch. "A minute and a half," she said.
"How do you feel?"
"Horny."
AT: GODSDAMN IT! (throws script down and destroys a set) What the hell?!
Kandi: I NEED SEX!
AT: Where's the Breast Boy?
(enter Reno)
Reno: Sup?
AT: (points at Kandi) Would you please go fuck her so she can get her line right?
Reno: (grinning) Sure thing, Bosslady. (grabs Kandi and drags her back around to Stage 69; loud moans, grunts, curses and a sheep can be heard)
AT: Someone bring me something dead and covered in chocolate!
(enter Reno and Kandi, slightly dissheveled)
Reno: All done.
AT: Take it from 'How do you feel'. ACTION.
"How do you feel?"
"Sullied and unusual."
AT: CUT! (storms over to Kandi) You got laid, what more do you want?
Kandi: A shower. There were barn yard animals involved.
AT: Take a shower. Be back in five minutes or we'll film the scene while your naked.
Kandi: I don't do nude scenes.
AT: Just GO!
(fifteen minutes later)
AT: You're late.
Kandi: You're ugly.
AT: You little...ACTION!!!
"How do you feel?"
"Hungry."
AT: THANK GOD!
Camera Man: Whoops. Sorry. Outta tape.
AT: (slits wrists and sobs) Take five.
Outtake Two:
This was his. What lay behind the veil of flesh was his. "Mine," he breathed out, pressing another kiss to the flesh. He opened his eyes, staring at a firm stomach. His eyes traveled up, looking at silk covered breasts and a confused countenance of a red-streaked canary. He grinned up at her, raising to his feet. Kuja grasped Kandi's face in his hands and kissed her possessively. One hand trailed to her stomach, his fingers tracing ancient patterns over the womb that housed what was his. Pulling away slightly, he grinned ferally at the startled woman, watching her through half-lidded eyes. His hand pressed more firmly, yet still gently over her belly. "Mine."
"What?" Kandi whispered, Akalara standing behind her and steadying her shoulders as she swayed dangerously.
"You carry within your womb the spawn of the Silver Wizard," Kuja told her lowly, a pleased smile covering his lips. "It called to me. It already knows it's father."
She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
All night long
Let me see that thong
AT: (looking around stage as 'The Thong Song' plays) Where is that music coming from?
Reno: It's Kuja's theme song! It needs to be played everytime he makes an entrance. Like those guys on those wrestling shows. They all have entrance music. 'The Thong Song' is Kuja's!
Kandi: Cool! I want a song, too, Re! Pick one out for me!
Reno: Hang on a second...AH HA!
I know a girl who's tough but sweet
She's so fine, she can't be beat
She's got everything that I desire
Sets the summer sun on fire
I want candy
I want candy
I want candy
I want candy
Kandi: (scowling) I HATE that song! Pick something hardcore or I'll kick your ass!
AT: NO THEME SONGS! This is a feature, not a wrestling program! That stuff is fake anyway.
Collective: (gasps)
Rude: IT IS NOT!
Zack: You cannot tell me that when Bruiser McBallBruiser body slammed The Ultimate Partier off the top turn buckle that that didn't hurt! Were you there? WERE YOU, AT?!
AT: Well, no, but come on! Any highly intelligent person can clearly see that...(glances at crew and cast) Riiight. Xemnas, help me out here.
Xemnas: AT is correct. Wrestling is fake.
Squall: Ah, what does he know? He's a Nobody.
(Xemnas runs away crying)
AT: Ouch. No theme songs!
Reno: Kandi! How about this for AT's theme song?
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
AT: RENO!!!!
Outtake Three:
Squall blinked. "You aren't feeling nauseas at all, are you?" he asked.
She shook her head and grinned. "Just got sick this morning after brushing my teeth," she explained. Her face brighted. "And two pickles! I love their pickles."
Squall laughed and bent down to kiss her cheek. "You got it, Babe," he said sweetly, moving to her lips and shoving his tongue down her throat.
AT: CUT! Squall, what the hell?
Squall: Why can't I kiss her like that? I fucked her too.
Kandi: I'm good with it! (pulling Squall back down to her)
AT: I'm surrounded by horny grapefruits.
Outtake Four:
Reno blew out a stream of smoke. "Whatcha tryin' to forget?" he asked. "Or you tryin' to forget someone, yo?"
"The kid's Kuja's, Reno," Rude growled. "Not mine. That's what I'm trying to forget. My girlfriend got pregnant by some freak in a gods damned thong."
AT: CUT! Rude, that is NOT in the script! What the hell?
Rude: (lower lip trembling) Yes, it is.
AT: (slaps Rude) Don't back sass me!
Rude: (crying) I'm not! Look! (takes off running and crying to his dressing room)
AT: (looks over script) Damn. I did write that. Shit. Now he's going to be crying for hours. What a pussy.
Reno: You're not a very nice person.
AT: (slaps Reno) Shad up!
Reno: (purring) Do it again, Bosslady.
AT: (sweatdrop)
Outtake Five:
Kuja tore the door opened and stared at the red-streaked guardian in shock. Her eyes widened as she looked him up and down, taking in his appearance. She gave him a stunning smile and held out a plate of cookies and a gift to him.
"Happy Birthday, Kuja," she said genuinely.
(porn music blared into the scene; Kuja grabbed the gifts and the baked goods and tossed them aside, ripping Kandi's clothes off her body)
Kuja: I knew you'd come to me.
Kandi: Just fuck me with your magic wand, you powerful Silver Mage, you!
AT: What...the...FUCK?! THIS IS NOT A PORNO!
Reno (poking head over sound booth): It isn't? Damn, then what is this? (tosses script down to AT)
AT: (glaring at script, eye twitching) Reno, you revised this! 'Caged Canary' is NOT a porn!
Reno: Ah, come on. The title sounds very pornish. 'Caged'? I mean, seriously, yo.
AT: (shoots ball of fire at Reno) I hate you.
Outtake Six:
Rhianna blinked. "Come again?" she asked in disbelief. "You're actually happy you knocked her up?"
"Yes, my lady."
"What the hell...I'm sorry. What's my motivation again?"
AT: Kuja just knocked up one of your guardians and you're pissed.
Rhianna: Why though?
AT: Because two other guardians are knocked up as well.
Rhianna: Don't these people believe in birth control? Geez!
AT: No, they're Catholic.
Rude: I'm not.
Kandi: Me either.
Kuja: Nor I.
Akalara: Not me.
Squall: Nope.
Reno: Sorry.
Tseng: I worship Leviathan.
Xemnas: I am God. I don't need a religion.
Saix: I worship the Superior.
AT: For all intents and purposes YOU'RE ALL CATHOLIC! It's called acting, People! It's what you're paid to do. Where's my scotch?
Outtake Seven:
Head thrown back and neck arched, she trembled at his tender caresses. "Yes," she breathed out, eyes fluttering shut. "I think I can."
"Mmmm," he murmured, breathing in the scent of her assailing his nostrils as her arousal increased. "I shall find much pleasure in bringing you to that point, my little canary."
(porn music starts blaring through the speakers)
AT: (softly to Camera Man) Can we edit that out? I don't wanna fuck up the mojo.
Camera Man: No problem.
AT: (grins evilly up at the sound booth) Good.
Gasping, Kandi felt her knees buckle as he continued with this and his ministrations on her neck, their twined hands massaging her breasts and his...uh...his...his...
Kandi: (sighing) We have a problem.
AT: What now? It was going so good!
Kandi: Wizard Boy can't get his wand up.
Kuja: (blushing) I'm just a little nervous, is all.
Kandi: (flicking Kuja's limp dick) Nothing. Nada. Mr. Floppy right here, Ladies and Gentlemen.
Kuja: You're not very nice.
Kandi: (taking out riding crop and grinning in all her dominatrix glory) Would it help you get it up if I wasn't nice?
Kuja: (eyes wide) Yes, Mistress.
(Kandi proceeds to spank Kuja's ass)
Reno: cough PORN cough
AT: SHAD UP!
Outtake Eight:
She nodded. "Yes," she said. "No one's ever fucked me like..."
"That crude term is not suitable to describe what we just shared," he interrupted. He kissed her to ease the sting of his words. "Nor is sex. Making love isn't even appropriate."
Kandi blinked up at him, watching his features. "What was it then?" she whispered in question.
Reno: BONDAGE PORN!
AT: SHUT UP!
Outtake Nine:
Despite what may have happened between them, Kandi could not deny the fact that she was absolutely, positively sexually attracted to the big, bald, shirtless man grapling with his unfortunate opponent. Rude was built like a god. His arms were bigger than her thighs and rippled with the defined muscles he worked so hard to obtain and maintain. The muscles of his back flexed as he pushed his opponent to the ground, pinning him easily. And his chest. Her breath caught in her throat at the sight of his chest. Firm pectoral muscles, decorated with two silver rings on each nipple. And washboard abs didn't even begin to justify exactly what Rude had above the belt. And beneath it...well, the ears and the nipples were enough to prove the man liked piercings. But she was privy to the knowledge of some of his other piercings.
Kandi: (flushed) Can we take about a fifteen to twenty minute break?
(hops off tread mill and grabs Rude, dragging him to Stage 69)
Rude: Mommy told me no one was supposed to touch me there!
Kandi: You can call me 'Mommy'!
(Rude's crying can be heard as he is molested by Kandi)
AT: (flipping out cell phone) Therapists R Us? Yeah, how fast can you get someone over here to AmazonTurk Productions?
Outtake Ten:
"True, but you still need to tell Kuja what you're feeling," he told her. "You gotta be honest with him, Babe. You owe him that much beings you guys are together and all."
"Yeah," she said with a sigh. "You're right. Damn it, I hate it when you're right, stupid rapist."
"Whatever," he laughed. "You liked it."
Squall: I have a problem with this scene.
AT: What's that?
Squall: Why would she become best friends with some dude that raped her? I mean, seriously. That's a little fucked up.
AT: Because if she wanted to stop it, she would have. She let it happen.
Kandi: Totally. It was hot sex. Remember from the Midgar Bread Company scene? Where I said safe rape was a fantasy for a lot of girls?
Flashback:
The red-streaked guardian let out a much needed laugh. "I didn't have much choice with you, Cap'n," she said with a wink. "But I didn't mind at all. Just so you know. It was kinda...kinky. Safe rape's a fantasy for a lot of girls."
Kandi: See. I did say that.
Squall: Oh. Okay then.
AT: ACTION!
Outtake Eleven:
"Aw, is my little boy getting protective?" she asked with a smile.
"Over you, yeah," he said with a laugh. "You're the closest thing I have to a sister and I'll be damned if I let anyone hurt you."
Kandi hugged him and kissed his cheek. "I love you, Zacky," she said softly. "Thanks for always being my hero."
"Hey, no problem," he said with a peck to her forehead. He took her hand and linked her arm through his, and they began skipping.
Kandi/Zack: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight! Schlemiel! Schlemazl! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!
('Making Our Dreams Come True' starts blaring through the speakers as Kandi and Zack run down the street to the Shrine)
AT: (tosses script down and digs flask out of back pocket of jeans)
Outtake Twelve:
Anticipating the hard ground at the end of her fall, she was surprised to feel herself being gently pushed back up. Her heart racing in her ears, she turned around carefully to see her savior. The silver scales of the tail that had caught her twinkled happily at her. Kandi looked at the face of the dragon as she brought her head around to rest on the fence beside the Turk. The dragon curled her body on the ground behind her, making a soft, low growling noise in the back of her throat.
"Thanks," Kandi told her, resting her hand on the dragon's snout. The dragon just blinked at her as if to say, 'Be more careful, silly human.'
The dragon let out a low rumbling noise and Kandi lept off the fence, holding her nose.
Kandi: Oh my God! Kuja! What do you feed that thing?!
Kuja: Dragon food!
Kandi: What does it consist of?
Kuja: Brussell sprouts, brocolli, cauliflower, and pinto beans. Why do you ask?
Kandi: I think this is the first time in my pregnancy that I will be sick.
AT: (sprays Linen and Sky Febreeze at the dragon) I hate my fucking job.
Outtake Thirteen:
"I'm having his baby, Rude," she said gently. "Nothing can change that."
He grabbed her throat in his left hand, not hard enough to hurt her but firm enough to keep her immobile. "One very well placed punch right here," he said, rubbing her stomach with his right hand. "Could change that very well."
Kandi: (giggling) That tickles.
Rude: (blushing) Sorry. I don't want to hurt you.
AT: (gets twinkly fangirl stars in eyes) AWWW! Isn't he cute? Fifteen minute break!
(AT grabs Rude and drags him to Stage 69; Rude cries as AT molests him)
Outtake Fourteen:
Kuja reached her unlocked door and pushed it open, crying out in horror as he saw her sprawled out on the floor, sobbing in pain, her open cell phone clutched in one hand, her other wrapped tightly around her thigh.
Kandi: OW! You fucking asshole! You slammed the door right into my leg!
Kuja: Maybe if you wouldn't have collasped in front of the DOOR!
Kandi: I collapse where I'm told to collapse! So fuck off, Limpy Wizard Staff Boy!
Rude: (chuckling in 'unconsciousness' in the dark corner of the room) That was funny.
Kuja: Shut up, Fetus Killer!
Rude: (cries)
Kuja: (feels bad) Sorry Rude. I know it's just your character.
Rude: (sniffs) Okay.
AT: (checks 'Help Wanted' ads)
Outtake Fifteen:
Saix looked up distastefully as the pained screams of the man the Organization was now in charge of guarding reached Xemnas' study. "He is quite loud, Superior," he observed.
"I suggest you accustom yourself, VII," Xemnas stated, scribbling something down on a document. "His stay here is permanent."
"Has he a name? A number even?"
Xemnas smirked, a small smile playing on his lips. "No name, no number," he replied, rising from his seat. He lay his hand on Saix's shoulder. "He is a true Nobody."
AT: AND CUT! WOW! We got it done! Thank GOD!
Rude: (crying) I don't like this story! I'm a bad guy!
AT: Aw, but you're just acting, Sweetie. And if everyone believes it, it just means your a good actor. Okay?
Rude: (sniffing) Okay.
AT: You want a cookie?
Rude: (nodding)
AT: Okay. I have some right over here, in Stage 69.
(Rude follows; porn music drowns out Rude's crying as he is molested...again)
AT: That is it for our outtakes! Hope you enjoyed them. If not...bugger off!
Kuja: You really are not a nice person.
AT: No. I'm an evil villain.
Kuja: Really? So am I. I nearly destroyed an entire world. What have you done?
AT: I punched a Care Bear.
Kuja: (gawking) I have seen the face of Satan. And it is YOU!
AT: (blushing) Flirt.
(takes Kuja back to Stage 69 and molests him)