"An exigence is an imperfection marked by urgency; it is a defect, an obstacle, something waiting to be done, a thing which is other than it should be."
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XII.
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Roxas threw the empty vodka bottle into the passenger's seat and left the keys in the ignition as he got out of the car. The tux he wore was itchy and uncomfortable, and he wasn't sure why he dressed up in the first place. People he recognized but vaguely remembered the names of were going into the church. He saw Sora at the door, shaking their hands and bowing with respect to each and every one of them. He wore a white tux with a red bowtie, one that Kairi probably put on for him. Spotting him as he walked near the entrance, Sora gave a soft smile and waved.
His stomach churned as Sora shook his hand, holding on longer than the rest.
"So, you made it," he whispered, sending him an anxious look. "Are you okay?"
If Roxas could put up a front for just a few more hours, maybe he would be able to get through this.
"Yeah," he said, smiling. "I'm good."
Sora sighed in relief. "Well, I'm glad that you're here. Really. Uh, they're putting the final touches on everything inside, and Kairi's in her dressing room I believe. You can grab something to eat in the next room over if you're hungry."
Roxas nodded and feigned another smile. "Okay."
Sora waved and greeted the next guest. Roxas wasn't sure why of all places, Sora and Kairi decided to get married in a church. Neither of them had gone to one in ages, and he was pretty sure they weren't even religious. The only reliable assumption he could think of was the pricing.
He peered into the service room, or whatever you called it. The first two rows were filled with guests; more people than he expected after such a short notice. A minister prepared himself at the altar, where Olette and Namine stood in matching, light pink, frilly dresses. Sora's parents were in the front row, but he didn't see Kairi's grandmother.
"I'm shaking," Sora said behind him, looking into the room as well. "I didn't expect so many people."
"Yeah, well, you and Kairi were pretty popular."
Sora rolled his eyes and laughed. "I don't think so. Besides my parents though, none of them are near as important to me as you. It really means a lot that you're here today." Sora grinned and patted Roxas' back, sending his insides swirling.
"Not even Kairi?" Roxas quipped.
"It was you and I first, wasn't it? Well, I guess I should go up there and wait for her. It'll be any minute now."
"Y-Yeah," Roxas paused, studying Sora's gentle face. He was genuinely a great person, and Roxas could never compare to someone like that. He couldn't help but think—this would be the last time he saw him.
"What's up, man?" Sora asked.
"Um, i-it's… nothing."
Sora cocked his head to the side in disbelief. "Really?"
No. This was supposed to be the day—the day he let the past go. Roxas' heart raced. It was either now or later. He had put this off for so long that hiding it was deteriorating him from the inside out.
"Actually, I… have something to tell you."
There. He said it. It was out. He didn't anticipate to be questioned any further, strangely, but of course, like the inquisitive person Sora was, he was definitely going to ask.
"Uh, alright," Sora said, but was cut off by Riku.
"It's about to start," he told him, and then waved to Roxas. "Oh, hey!" Roxas acknowledged him with a nod and a quick smile.
"Okay, I'll be there in a sec," Sora said. Riku went back into the room. "What did you need to tell me?"
Roxas froze. His throat became dry as he tried to answer, but of course, like a coward, nothing came. All he could imagine was Kairi and Sora at that altar, and it tore him up inside.
"Roxas…"
"Come on, man! It's time," Riku ushered. Everyone was waiting on him. Sora looked back to Roxas.
"Okay, you can tell me later. I won't forget."
Roxas heart pounded as Sora paced up to the altar, receiving a random applause on the way. His opportunity to relieve himself of torment was possibly gone forever. Roxas grabbed a glass of wine from the other room and downed it. He couldn't believe he was still here. As if it couldn't get any worse, he heard Kairi's voice behind him, talking with someone else as her heels clanked against the stairs.
"Be careful with your dress, dear. You don't want to trip and fall."
"Yes, grandma. I know."
Although he had already seen a picture of it, the real life version was even more beautiful. Kairi waved excitedly when she saw him. She had her long, auburn hair tied halfway back and curled, with a lovely arrangement of white flowers accentuating her hairstyle. She came up to him and gave him a huge hug, one in which he didn't return.
"I'm so happy to see you, Roxy! Geeze, is that Sora up there? Oh my gosh, he looks so… hey, make sure he can't see me! That's bad luck, you know!"
"Oh, don't believe that jibber jabber," her grandma said. "Hello, Roxas. You realize your tie isn't on right? Kairi, fix that for him."
"Uh, no, really, it's okay—" Roxas was forced to go along with it, because Kairi didn't hesitate to do as she was told. Even if her grandmother didn't mention it, she probably would have done it anyway. His blood boiled as she fastened it correctly, patting his shoulders afterward and giving him a huge smile.
"Well? How do I look, bro?" she asked quietly, fanning herself and holding back her tears.
Roxas shrugged, wincing at the nickname. She may hate him after today. "Happy?"
"I am, I suppose. Roxas, really. Thank you for always being there for us. I hope we've been good friends to you."
Roxas gave her a blank stare, although the effects of alcohol made him a little woozy. "Okay."
He liked that word a lot.
"Well, you'd better get up there," Kairi said, pushing him into the room and then quickly hiding behind the door. Sora waved to him from the altar, pointing to the spot beside him. Everyone watched as he made his way down the aisle, each step heavier than the last. Taking Xanax with the vodka before he came, then drinking wine probably wasn't the best idea either, but he didn't know what else to take to calm his nerves. It was a little hard to breathe, though. He waved slightly to the crowd as he stood next to Sora.
"Well, here goes nothing, right?" Sora said to no one in particular, straightening his posture and taking several deep breaths. Roxas watched him, dreading what was to come.
Would he still be able to do it?
The bells chimed, and the music began. All eyes traveled to the doors, where Kairi entered. Roxas clutched the fabric inside his pockets as he watched Sora gloat in her presence. She truly was the most beautiful one in the room, according to everyone else, at least. Roxas felt sick just looking at her. Kairi lifted her dress and stepped up to the altar, facing Sora. She gave Roxas a quick wave, but all he could do was stare at the floor.
Confessing was harder than he thought. With all of these people around, Roxas wasn't sure he would be able to go through with it. He started to sweat as Sora and Kairi locked hands and listened to the minister speak. Everyone in the audience watched the couple in awe, each single person wishing to be in their perfect shoes someday.
Including Roxas, except he wanted to be standing over there instead.
"We wrote our own vows," Sora announced, pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket and not letting go of Kairi's hand. "Kairi, standing here with you today is almost unreal. You…" he struggled to continue, making the crowd squirm with delight, "You make me a stronger person… believe it or not. I never imagined that we would make it this far." He sniffled, the paper trembling in his hands. Roxas watched his backside as the words poured out. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, I couldn't be happier standing in front of you right now. I love you, Kai, and I look forward to many, many years together."
By now, Roxas was ready to jump out of his skin. Kairi tried to keep herself together as she pulled out a paper of her own, struggling to read it aloud. Why did he come here again? What on Earth made him think that this was a good idea?
This was killing him!
He must have looked like an utter fool up here. Everyone could see his reaction; the way he glared at them… how disgusted he was… or maybe that was just him. Maybe he wasn't really here at all, and all of this was just some nightmare that he couldn't wake up from. As Kairi told Sora everything in her heart, all Roxas wanted to do was strangle her.
Oops, did he just imagine that?
He felt more guilt than anything. Ten years added up to this very moment, and yet he was still just as cowardly as before.
To be completely honest, he absolutely hated her, but at the same time, he was thankful to her. He couldn't really explain it.
"Sora, I really don't know what else to say, other than the fact that I cannot wait to be your wife. I love you more than anything in the world, and I look forward to this new journey with you. I can't imagine myself with anyone else…"
Roxas scoffed. They sounded so cliché, he thought, like some stupid teen romance flick. However, it still had the same effect on them, as well as the audience, something that he was sure made the sick feeling in his stomach worsen.
That was when the minister spoke those words.
"Speak now, or forever hold your peace."
Time stood still as Sora and Kairi looked to the audience, exchanging prideful glances with everyone in the room before looking back to each other. Now was his only chance to do what he came to do, but yet, he couldn't move. As they locked their hands together once again, closing the gap between them, Roxas saw everything flash before his very eyes.
This was definitely the last time he would see them.
"I guess no one objects to this union. You may now—"
"H-Hold it," Roxas blurted out, his entire body racing as he forced himself around to their front side. Sora and Kairi parted for a moment, not taking their eyes away as Roxas stepped up to them. This was it. The audience talked amongst themselves, nobody having any idea what he was about to do, but Roxas didn't care about that.
It was time to be honest with himself.
"Roxas… what are you doing?" Sora staggered. Roxas gave him an anxious stare before turning to Kairi, who was just as confused as he was. Roxas could hardly breathe as he looked desperately into her eyes.
"Roxas, do you have something to say?" she asked in a low tone, dreading the answer. It was as if she knew exactly what was coming, but Roxas knew she wasn't prepared for this. Do this now, and he'll never have to worry about pretending again. The entire room watched in anticipation.
"Kairi, I'm… really, really sorry about this."
Somewhere in his whacked out, drugged up mind, Roxas thought this was a good idea. It was the only way to be free, he reminded himself.
The only way.
All of a sudden, he turned around, grabbed Sora by the hips and planted his lips right onto his. The room erupted with shock, and Roxas could feel everything draining from him in this very moment as he let all of his inhibitions go. Kairi gasped and took a few steps back, unable to believe the sight in front of her. Sora's eyes widened as Roxas pushed his limits, and then managed to shove him off, wiping his mouth and coughing immediately afterward. Roxas fell to the ground, absorbing his reaction into his mind.
He knew this would happen, but he wanted to do it anyway.
"Roxas, what the hell is wrong with you?! Is this some sort of sick joke?!" Sora screamed, but Roxas shot to his feet and hurried out of the room. Everything he stood for, everything he had ever dreamed of, was shattered by this one impulsive act, this one exigence, in which he believed would be the key to his redemption. Locking himself in the dressing room, the anger slipped out of him as he began kicking and throwing everything in sight, ignoring the pounding in his chest and the pain all over his body. He grabbed a chair and chucked it at the mirror, but missed, so he kicked it aside and continued to ransack the room. Nothing was making him feel better. Nothing at all.
He should have just left.
Roxas slid to the floor. He cried, and cried and cried, drowning out the yelling coming from the other side. He was worthless, unloved and broken, a combination for disaster.
A joke, as Sora put it. A sick, twisted joke.
"Roxas, what the fuck was that about?!" Kairi banged on the door. "Open this door right now!"
Roxas shook violently as he reached into his pocket and pulled out the sleeping pills, as well as the remaining Xanax. He didn't have anything to down them with, but thankfully, there was a sink on the other side of the room, as well as a few plastic cups.
"You'd better open this door!" Sora demanded. "I want an explanation, right fucking now!"
No, he couldn't explain it any better than that. If that didn't tell Sora everything that he needed to know, then coming here was pointless. Roxas grabbed the cup and filled it with water, then poured the sleeping pills onto the counter and crushed them into tiny little pieces with his fists. He scooped the powdered pills and mixed them into the drink, ignoring the loud banging noises coming from the door. He quickly downed them, fighting the urgent desire to throw up from the bitter taste and dropping the bottle onto the floor. Once both bottles were empty, he fell to the floor and waited for them to take him away.
Five minutes, ten minutes… twenty... who knew. He was more surprised as to how they hadn't busted the door down yet. It was almost funny to him.
This sure wasn't the best way to go, Roxas thought, but it was all he had at the time. He never wanted to see the light of day again. He had confessed his darkest secret to the one person that he loved the most, and now he was done.
It was over. Roxas could finally rest.
"Kairi, let me handle it," he heard Sora say, but everything was spinning. He may have had more alcohol than he thought. Roxas couldn't quite remember. He felt as if he was no longer in his own body as his chest heaved, and even something as simple as breathing was compressed as the pills slowly took effect. His entire body was shutting down, and there was nothing he could do about it. He started seeing colors, faint images before him as he went in and out of consciousness, wishing the agonizing pain would just stop.
Shooting himself in the head would have surely been quicker. Why didn't he think of that instead?
He wasn't sure how long he was laying there before Sora barged in and rushed to his aid. He felt dizzy as Sora lifted him up, covering his mouth to block the vomit surfacing. He could no longer breathe properly at this point.
"Roxas? Roxas, speak to me! Please, stay with me… Roxas… what have you done?!" Sora shrieked as he grabbed Roxas' hand and held on tightly. "Someone call an ambulance!"
He managed to look up at him. His favorite thing about Sora was that Sora never judged him. Not even once. Sora stuck by his side no matter what happened, but he knew he had gone too far this time. He ruined Sora's special day with the one he truly loved, and he felt absolutely horrible. It was such a stupid way to go, but it wasn't like he could turn back now.
He really was that pitiful. What made him think that Sora would ever feel the same?
"Roxas, don't die… please… why would you do something like this?! Stay with me, I'm right here… just breathe, Roxas… breathe…"
But breathing was too hard. Sora clutched his weak hand tighter, bringing it up to his wet, teary-eyed face. Even when Sora cried, he was amazing. Roxas hated seeing it, just like he hated hurting him. He even pretended to like Kairi for Sora's sake, all so that he could be happy.
He could see why that would confuse someone now. Kairi was nothing more than an annoying sister to him, one he knew that he didn't deserve.
"You can't do this," he cried. "Please, Roxas… just listen to my voice. I'm right here… I'll always be here…"
Roxas managed a weak smile as his eyes fluttered. "S-Sora…"
"Yes? What is it? Roxas, please say something!" Sora said, cradling Roxas as he leaned in closer. Roxas managed to touch his face for just a moment before his arm fell limp. "Please don't go, Roxas… I don't know what I would do without you! Whatever that was, we will forgive you! Just pull through… please don't go… I can't lose you!"
"Sora," Roxas repeated, his breathing so slow that he could barely speak. His lungs were ready to collapse, but he had to at least say something. "I'm sorry… for not…"
Too late.
Sora was speechless as he waited for him to finish, but nothing else came. "R-Roxas? Can you hear me?!"
His eyes gave way to the darkness, and he could no longer hear him.
o-o-o
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A/N: Before you kill me, I'd like you to watch a video on Youtube called "K. Will – Please Don't." That inspired this entire fic.
I expect to lose some followers for this, but if you could look past your "ships" and realize the real tragedy in all of this, then I commend you. I didn't write this just for this moment, but it was truly a challenge to write for these past two weeks. (Yes, I'm finishing an entire short story in two weeks). Next chapter will be more Sora-centric, so if you want to keep reading, then by all means, I'll probably have that out soon.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and whether you liked it or not, I'd like to read your opinions!
