Hi! I hope everyone has had a good start to the new year! This chapter picks up where we left on in Chapter 11 in which we started Bella's birthday weekend and heard from Renee for the first time ...
Cap and VC-Girl help me rock it out, and you guys support make it all worth it :-)
No Matter What
Chapter Twelve
*X*—Edward Masen —*X*
Sleep didn't come easy for Edward that night. Every time he closed his eyes, the devastated look on Bella's face stared back at him. It was clear she actually believed the hate and nonsense her mother had spewed. And though he wanted her to talk about it, he didn't know if he could handle seeing her hurting again as he sat by helplessly.
Turning onto his side, he focused on the head of long, brown hair on the pillow next to him. Softly, he ran his fingers through the soft waves. Though Bella lay completely still, a hitch in her breathing let Edward know she wasn't asleep. "You're awake," he said in a low whisper.
She stiffened but didn't turn around to face him or acknowledge his comment.
Even though Edward worried the best thing to do at the moment was give her space, he scooted closer to her and rubbed a hand up and down her arm in an attempt to comfort her. Once he felt her slowly relax under his touch, he moved his hand to her cheek and turned her to face him.
"What's on your mind?"
"I can't believe Briella's turning four in a few weeks," Bella whispered, in hopes of distracting him. "It feels like just yesterday when she was kicking the hell out of my ribs."
Edward gave her an appeasing smile before he asked, "What's really wrong?"
"I—" Bella's face crumpled, and Edward effortlessly pulled her into his arms, sitting them both up.
For an unmeasured amount of time he just held her, all the while struggling to keep his emotions in check as she fell apart in his arms. His chest ached as he watched the girl he loved fall apart; he cursed his helplessness and inability to take her pain away. After a long while Bella finally calmed down. When her choppy breathing seemed to even out, Edward leaned back in order to look her in the eyes. He wanted to see the truth behind them when he asked, "Are you feeling better?"
Bella nodded, but couldn't find the words to speak. The weight of her tears—in her chest and her throat—made that an impossibility.
"Here, lean back." Edward tried to loosen his arms from around her, but Bella tightened hers. "I'm just going to the kitchen. You should drink some water."
"I'm—" She meant to say she was okay, but she choked on the lie. With the emotion conveyed through her eyes, she pleaded, don't leave me.
Edward understood. "I'll be right back. I promise."
Reluctantly, Bella let him go. But the minute Edward came back—with a bottle of water in one hand, and some tissues in the other—she opened her arms out to him. She didn't have the energy to pretend she didn't need him in that moment.
"Hold me."
With a sad smile, Edward set his things down and put his arms around her. "Always."
They lay there, lost in their moment, holding onto the lifeline they felt in one another. But when Edward shifted down and cleared his throat, Bella knew the moment was gone.
"Bella," he whispered, resting his head on her chest. He knew it was cowardly that he wouldn't look her in the eyes, but he couldn't watch her fall apart again. "I know it's easier said than done, but please don't let your mom get to you. You have to know how wrong she is about whatever it is she said."
Bella hummed and ran a hand through Edward's hair. She needed a moment to think about what she was going to say. A moment to figure out how to explain that it wasn't just about what her mother had said earlier on the phone, but the constant reminder and stab in the heart of all the things she'd said and done over the past few years.
"When I found out I was pregnant …" Bella stopped to take a breath. "I was beyond scared. I was petrified. Not just at telling my parents, but the fact that I was going to be a mom. I'd never given much thought to, you know, having kids one day. But the minute I was late, I knew. And there were never 'options.' Not to me. I was Briella's mom, and I loved her before I met her."
Edward understood immediately. Options equaled adoption or abortion and no in between. He'd had discussions concerning those same decisions once before, but … he snapped himself out if it and thought about Bella's situation, instead. Had she gone with another alternative would they have ever found each other? The thought of never knowing her or Briella brought a sense of dread over him.
Deep in her own thoughts, Bella missed the change in his mood.
"My dad's reaction was harsh, but at least it was honest. He told me I'd be doing a disservice to the baby and myself. That I'd be ruining both of our lives. And that he would never support me. No matter how much it hurt, I always knew where I stood with him. But my mom—"
At Bella's abrupt silence, Edward was forced to look up. However, she wasn't looking at him. She was staring up at the ceiling—lost in her own world, in her own memories.
"Even after I moved out," she continued, voice full of more venom than Edward had ever heard coming from her, "I still talked her. She was my mom. I needed her. So for months we basically snuck around. We kept our meetings secret from my dad because we knew he would flip out. I can't say everything was perfect. We had our moments, but at least she was trying, right? That's the way I saw it." Letting out a dark chuckle, the rest of the story tumbled out of Bella's mouth in one long breath. "One day, she tells me she wants to meet me for lunch. She had some 'friends' to introduce me to. Turns out those friends were an adoption lawyer and the couple they'd promised my baby to. My baby! And, you know, the crazy thing about it is I wasn't even mad. Well, I was, but mostly I was just … done. It was like somewhere deep down inside I'd always expected her to turn on me, so when she finally did it was like 'I knew it!'.
From that moment on, everything changed. I stopped taking her calls, and in return she started doing and saying everything she could to get to me. One day she'd leave me a voice message saying I was making the biggest mistake of my life. Then the very next morning, Laurent and I would find letters taped to his windshield saying she hoped for nothing but the best for us. I eventually had to change my number. Some days I even wondered if she was part of the reason the Revins decided to move out of town. Before they moved, me and my mom hadn't spoken for almost two years. I didn't even call her when Bree was born. But when I showed up at the house—with no where else to go—she said she wasn't surprised Laurent had left me. What did he want with me? I had let myself go. I still looked pregnant. All kinds of horrible things. And deep down, no matter how wrong I know she is, I can't help but think what if she's right."
"She's not. Bella, I promise you. She's not."
Bella didn't respond to Edward's protest. She continued on with her story, finally admitting to herself how much she needed to get things out—confess some of the details she'd always left out when she spoke about her parents.
"No matter how much I tried explaining the situation to her, that Laurent and I decided we'd be better off as friends, she wouldn't listen. I begged them. Literally, I got down on my hands and knees and begged them to let me stay there even if it was for one night. I didn't care what they thought about me. I couldn't care less about our issues. All I cared about was Briella having a real place to stay. But here I was homeless, having slept in my car, and she was focused on trivial shit like how fat I'd gotten—how right she was about me being unfit to be a mom because I'd let myself go. And I'm so fucking pathetic because even after all of that all I want is for her to just …"
Bella let the thought hang in the air because she knew Edward would understand. It wasn't just about wanting validation from her mother. Just like when she found out she was pregnant, Bella wasn't just scared; she lived in a state of mind where she was constantly terrified of failing. No matter how much she tried to fight it, a part of her still needed her mom to tell her everything would be okay and that she was proud of her.
Edward blew out a breath against Bella's chest where his head rested. He didn't know what to say. He felt as though he never knew the right words to say when it came to comforting her, and at the moment he hated himself for it.
"Edward," Bella whispered after a long stretch of silence. She'd asked before, but she knew it was in a way that wouldn't get her answers. But now, she needed to know. She needed to understand why he felt her loved her, when for so long she barely loved herself. "Why do you love me? I mean … how do you know?"
"How could I not?" he repeated, but Bella's silence let Edward know she needed to hear more than just an echo of his words from earlier. Sitting up to face her, he said, "I love you because even on my worse days, a smile from you can turn it all around." He dropped a kiss at the edge of her lips, and when he felt her mouth twitch from fighting off a smile, he continued and bent back down to drop another kiss near her chest. "I love you because of your heart. No matter how much the world and people like your mom have tried to taint it, you haven't let them. You're kind, understanding, and forgiving. Even when people don't deserve it."
Slowly, Edward lifted Bella's shirt. He dropped several kisses on her soft stomach, then to her rib where a tattooed version of Briella's footprint colored her skin. "And I love you because you are an amazing mother. That story you just told me? Don't be ashamed, Bella. With everything I've been through, and everyone who has ever hurt me, I can't imagine the pain you've gone through with your parents. There's nothing pathetic about wanting your mother's love even when she's hurt you. And you going to your parents like that? Babe, you're so—"
"Stupid?"
"Strong," Edward snapped and popped his head up to look at her. His glare was almost lethal. "What did I tell you about putting yourself down around me?"
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be." He moved up, settling himself over her. "Don't be sorry. Just, please stop doing that. Stop thinking like that."
Bella cupped his cheek and shook her head; mostly at herself. "I love you," she whispered. "And you—all of you, Briella, Laurent and his family build me up so much that it is stupid of me to let just one person, even if it is my mom tear me down like that. I should know better, it's just … hard. I don't know."
"It's always easy to believe the bad stuff," Edward agreed, frowning. "It's easy to think that you're a cow, or a freak, or a worthless piece of shit." The conversation had shifted to him now, and realizing this, Bella brought her other hand up to cradle Edward's face.
"You don't get to put yourself down around me, either. Ya know."
"I'm not—" he cut off his own protest when Bella cocked an eyebrow at him. That simple action was enough to break up some of the somberness in the air. "I have an idea," Edward blurted out with an unexpected smile.
"Do I want to know?"
"Of course! You know I always have the best ideas."
Bella giggled despite her dull mood. "Well, then let's hear it."
Edward beamed, getting comfortable while still lying over her. "How about you say something about yourself that you like. And then I'll say something about you that I like, too."
Now Bella's laugh was a little more genuine.
This was Edward being playful. This was Edward making sure she didn't let herself get pulled down to where her thoughts wanted to lead her. This was one of the many sides of Edward she'd fallen in love with.
"I think there's a flaw in this plan."
"Nope, it's perfect."
"Okay." She blew out a breath, quick to play along. "Well, I like that I have an amazing daughter and an awesome boyfriend."
"Booooo." Edward shook his head. "Invalid second answer. Something about you."
"I'm serious. You are something I like about me. You're one of the only reasons I even like me these days."
"Oh," Edward frowned. That's not something he wanted to hear.
"What's wrong?" Bella asked. He was obviously anxious, and it seemed so abrupt that she didn't know what to do.
"Nothing," he gulped. "I just don't …" want that kind of power, he thought but didn't know how to voice it in a way that wouldn't upset her. "I don't know what to say to that."
"Well, it's true." Bella smiled, misunderstanding his words for some sort of modesty. "You have to know how happy you make me."
That should have made him happy, too. It did, in a way. But now thoughts of his impending fuckups plagued the back of his mind. He was bound to say the wrong thing one day—do the wrong thing and upset her in ways he never thought possible. It wouldn't be intentional. This was just one of his lots in life: screwing things up.
What would happen to them then?
"You know what else I like," Bella prodded with a bite of her lips and a slight shift of her legs around him. "When you kiss me," she whispered, "I can't explain it. But I love how it's like ... I don't know, but you're in total control all while letting me lead."
He didn't understand her analogy, but he knew what she was asking. Putting all the nervous thoughts of messing things up out of his head, Edward tilted his head and brought his mouth to Bella's in a slow kiss.
She melted into the bed and brought him down with her, wrapping her legs tight around his lower back. This was the quickest she'd ever felt him—felt anyone—respond to her, and the hardness of his length against her made Bella buck her hips. Edward hissed and quickly broke off the kiss. This was originally how he had hoped the night would go, and he'd been all for it. Now he wasn't sure if it was a good idea. Were they ready? Was it the right time, and did Bella really want this?
"Bella, you're upset."
Her eyebrows shot up to her hairline. "What?"
"You're upset," he repeated with a frown. "Not even five minutes ago you were crying and questioning whether or not I'm telling the truth about how I feel about you."
"I wasn't questioning how you feel about me. I was just—" she struggled to find a proper excuse. All she could come up with was, "I was just having a moment."
"And now?" He sat back to get a better look at her.
"Now the moment is gone."
"And when it comes back?"
Bella pursed her lips. She wasn't sure where he was going with his questions, but she knew she wasn't going to like it.
"When you doubt me again?" Edward pressed. "Is this the only way I'm going to be able to prove to you how I feel?"
"That's not what this is," she whispered.
In the face of his own insecurities, Edward wasn't convinced.
"That's not fair." Bella tried to keep the anger out of her voice. The anger wasn't due to being rejected yet again, though that did sting. But because of the hypocrisy he was exhibiting at the moment. "If it's not okay for me to ask you why you love me, how do you get to decide I don't really want you—that I'm just having some weak moment?"
"I …"
"Exactly." Bella sighed and slightly pushed him away when he failed to give an answer.
Shoulders slumped, she sat at the edge of the bed and contemplated going home despite the late hour. For some reason, this rejection hurt worse than any other one she'd experienced from him. She felt the bed dip and Edward move close, but she didn't turn to look back at him. Not until he came to stand by the bed and knelt down in front of her.
"Please don't be mad. I'm sorry. I guess I was having my own moment. I needed to make sure you really wanted … it. Wanted me."
Bella shook her head, a frown marring her features. "How could I not want you?"
Silently, he stood up and brought her with him back to the middle of the bed. "Will you tell me?" he whispered against her neck. "Why—will you tell me why?"
She knew she wasn't as good with words as Edward but responded as sincerely as she could anyway. It wasn't just the way he looked at her, Bella explained, but the way he smiled at her, the way he sought her out when they were in the same room. The way he stared at her, even when he didn't realize he was doing it. And the silly way he was—how he didn't care what he had to say or do—when she was down and he was trying to brighten her mood.
By the time she was done reciting all the reasons she loved him, too, and all the ways he made her yearn for him, Edward was bent low and dropping kisses on her hips and the apex of her thighs
When his fingers played at the edge of her panties trying to urge them off, she obliged him with a lift of her hips.
Bella didn't know what to say or do, too worried she would disrupt the moment and send things off-kilter again.
She pushed herself up on her elbows and just stared at him; focusing on the look in his eyes. The determined, yet slightly euphoric look. She could tell all the doubts and worries from mere minutes before were the furthest thing from his mind.
When his tongue—warm, wet, and soft—made contact with the sensitive flesh between her legs, Bella's back arched off the bed.
In the best possible way, Edward lost himself in Bella; in her scent and in her taste. He loved every sound, every whimper he was eliciting from her. Insecurities aside, this was something he knew he did well. And every second lavishing Bella with his tongue was time well spent.
Her thrashing against the bed and giggled pleas for mercy didn't stop him. He was prepared to be there, loving her this way, forever. Only when Bella yanked two fistfuls of his hair did he finally stop. With a proud, cocky smile he crawled back up her body. He was a little taken aback when she didn't hesitate to bring her mouth to his, but he recovered quickly and molded his tongue with hers.
"Wow," she whispered with a hesitant smile when they pulled apart. "That was—yeah."
"I'm glad," Edward chuckled, and settled them back down. "But, umm …" he gulped, and stilled Bella's wandering hand. "Can we just—can tonight just be about you?"
"Oh, okay." For a brief second, that stung. But Bella knew there was no way she could complain or feel truly rejected after the way he'd just adored her body. Plus, for the way she wanted and hoped for things to be when they finally took that leap, they would need a lot more time.
And in just a few hours, the realities and reminders of her old life and new life coming together were waiting for them.
Meaning ... Edward and Laurent finally meet!
The jury was still out on Renee, what are our thoughts now? We will be hearing from her again. Both E/B have issues they need to conquer. And Bella needs to conquer her shit with her mom.
Thanks for reading.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
Until Next Time
~Lo
