Chapter 12: Just a little more

Just a little more, Just a little more

Can we stay like this here forever?

Rukawa Kaede stirred awake, opening his eyes to his surroundings. It was dark as he blindly feels around him to feel the soft comfort of the mattress beneath him and the loss of fabric on his body. Rukawa scanned the room and adjusted his eyes. A familiar redhead lay breathing soundly next to him, snoring lightly. Rukawa takes in the view of a sleeping Sakuragi, capturing and admiring the sight. The event of last night still clear in Rukawa's mind, the raw emotions and sincerity poured out like gushing of a waterfall. It was a lot to take in but it was something they needed. The guilt he's been carrying all these years disappeared after that night and he no longer torments himself by pretending things are fine when they weren't.

After the confrontation, things between them suddenly turned really intimate really fast. He remembers stumbling into Sakuragi's house, both of them intoxicated and high from the heat of the moment. Their hands never stop exploring the other, no words were needed, only their lips pressed together, their tongues dancing together in a passionate and heated kiss trying desperately to make up what time they lost and the time they have left. Every kiss, every touch feels like an apology, a confession of all their regrets. Their warmth and intimacy drowned them that night, like a giant wave washing over the dry sandy shore, strong and passionate, enveloping every sense of their being.

The thought of it sends heat pooling in his stomach. It's been a long time since he's felt this whole. After all this time his feelings for Sakuragi never changes despite how hard he tried to convince himself otherwise. He can't deny it now.

There is a moment in a person's life when a part of them changes, for the better or for worse. It is those circumstances where what they thought they knew, felt or think, changed. A small moment, a beat, a pause where everything starts slowing down, subsequently alters a fragment or a piece of your perception. For Rukawa Kaede, there were two moments in life where he felt as if the ground beneath him shook. The first being his found determination to seriously play basketball, to pursue it, to follow the greats rather than limit himself to just where he is. He is good enough, he knows that but he needed to be better. That of course, being the more tangible goal, one he could aim for, something he knows he wants, something he decided, something that was less…complicated. The second event in his teenage life involves a certain redhead. Someone who, from the first time he laid eyes on him had been a presence he couldn't quite ignore. However, slowly but surely, Sakuragi Hanamichi has slowly wriggled himself through, whether intentionally or not, his presence impacted him. He was and still is significant. Perhaps it's the fact that Rukawa was the one to act on his feelings first out of frustration more than anything. He admits, back then, he was frustrated by the way Sakuragi impacted him because he's never felt so vulnerable like that before. And perhaps back then it was selfish of him to think that Sakuragi might hope the same, at least right away. But gradually, he did. But he supposes that's how it's always been, Sakuragi will always have that influence on him no matter how far the distance or how long time passed.

Rukawa remembers the drunken confession, the heat of the moment kisses and the uncertain yet daring progress in their relationship. All it took was one moment for them to come together, after months of dancing around each other and avoiding their feelings, they eventually eased into each other casually. Sakuragi manages to drop any shallow spite and overtime Rukawa managed to open up more, in his own way. Although there was still teasing and friendly insults here and there, there was never any real malice behind it. It was evident as time goes by that they revolve more around each other, they have gotten softer around each other and supported each other more. It was a healthy relationship, one that worked.

He threw all that away out of fear. If there's one thing he could kick himself for, it's letting go of something precious so fast.

Looking at the redhead, sleeping next to him, peaceful, he wondered if it would've remained that way had he not shamelessly been so afraid. It was too real, too fast. Before coming back to Japan, he wanted to just forget, he never planned to rekindle anything, he just wanted to apologise. But maybe fate has other plans.

But now, he has the chance to fix their relationship. But should he? He's done so much damage that he's unsure if he has any right to. Even if they can't be together, at least maybe he can finally give Sakuragi the closure he deserves.

"Kit..sune?" Sakuragi let out a tired groan, his eyes fluttering open as he squints his eye to look at the raven-haired man. Rukawa looked down at him and smiled the kind of smile that didn't reach his ears.

"What's with that look?"

"What look?" asked Rukawa, raising an eyebrow at the man next to him.

Sakuragi sat up and adjusted himself next to Rukawa, "The brooding kind." His expression teasing.

"Humph, do'ahou," Rukawa teased back.

Sakuragi smiled at the familiar nickname, his gaze softens as he looks at Rukawa. For the first time in a long time, the air around them is good, familiar again.

There was momentary silence between them then Sakuragi casually brings his arms to rub his neck, a sign of nervousness.

"Rukawa, "Sakuragi starts, his voice low, "What I said last night…I...I am sorry.

Rukawa stares at Sakuragi, "What are you sorry for?"

"I didn't know it was hard on you too."

Rukawa pauses briefly, his expression softens as he lets out a small smile. He forgets how sincere the redhead can be, he forgets how much he wears his heart on his sleeve and it makes the guilt even worse. Thinking about it, all the while he's been running away from all of this, he didn't stop to seriously consider the repercussions it will have on Sakuragi. Rukawa can only imagine how much it really hurt him. He knew how significant the relationship was to Sakuragi and who was he to suddenly betray him like that. If anything, the least Rukawa could do was tell him the truth, the least he could do, if he wanted to break it off was to give him closure.

Rukawa reached forward to touch Sakuragi's cheek, caressing it lightly, "You didn't do anything wrong."

Sakuragi leaned into Rukawa's touch, his cheeks flushed as he slowly moves forward. Rukawa sits frozen, from both fear and excitement. Sakuragi leans in, resting his forehead forward against his. They close their eyes, their breaths shaking. The kiss was soft and slow, their lips melted together in contact. Even though the kiss wasn't sexual, it still manages to drive Rukawa insane. He scoffs at the thought, thinking he could resist the redhead. He convinced himself all these years that Sakuragi wouldn't have power over him and he is so very wrong. Slowly, Rukawa brings his hand behind Sakuragi's head, pulling him closer, deepening the kiss, pushing him towards him, falling on his back as he did so with the redhead on top of him. For the first time in forever, Rukawa's mind is locked onto the present. The worries of the past and the future evaporated like ice melting under the scorching sun. Whatever that will come doesn't scare him anymore, his guilt faded away and all he wants right now is to make up the time he wasted not being with the one person that matters most.

"Rukawa…" Sakuragi whisper against Rukawa's lips, pulling away slightly. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Hnnn…" Sakuragi hums, unconvinced as he sits on Rukawa's lap, crossing his arms. "You're about to kiss me to death. Not that I am complaining but let me breathe."

"Sorry,"

Sakuragi shifts himself from on top to Rukawa and moves to adjust himself next to him. "Hey, how's America like? You never write so I assumed you were either dead or you ran away with some western woman."

Rukawa glanced at him with a deadpan look before replying with a, "do'ahou." He sighs, remembering all the unfinished letters he never sent out.

"it's fine, America is just fine." Said Rukawa, his tone flat, void of any excitement. Noticing this, Sakuragi scrambles to think of something else to change the subject.

"You know I am going to go there someday too," Sakuragi says, boastful. "So, you better be good enough for me to kick your butt." He warns, clenching his fist, determined. Rukawa smirks at that, sighing as he gives him a small playful smirk, "Humph, all talk.

"Just you watch!"

"Kanagawa changed a bit too after you left," Sakuragi says, facing Rukawa, leaning one hand on his cheeks. "You know Denny's?"

"Of course, you go there every single day."

Sakuragi nodded, "only because they have the best spaghetti! And it's cheap! imagine how much you can save!"

Rukawa chuckles lightly, "you are pretty cheap." He means that in an endearing way.

"I take that as a compliment." Sakuragi grins proudly, "well, anyway, it closed down and now it's some fancy jewellery shop." he frowns.

"How tragic," snorts Rukawa, amused at how serious Sakuragi takes it.

"Yes!" Sakuragi exclaimed dramatically, "I would have protested if Youhei hadn't talked me out of it."

Rukawa watches him in awe as he animatedly describes the dreadful days of witnessing the fate of his favourite café. And as they lay here, comfortable in each other's presence, he can pretend that this is a constant in his life. Something that will never change. The more Rukawa thought about it, the more he realises how fleeting this is and how things will soon return to how it was, with them being distant from each other.

That realisation sends a flurry of emotion through Rukawa. He's felt a lot of things for the week he's been here but the most prominent feeling he's feeling at the moment is confusion. He's confused about how things would or should be after this? Do they become friends? Do they fall back into a relationship? Should or would they even talk again?

These are all questions he doesn't know the answer to.

"Denny's was a good place; important things happen there." Sakuragi sighs, finishing his long monologue on the tragedy that is the closing down of his favourite café.

"Yeah, important things." Rukawa smiles at Sakuragi meaningfully, remembering their date at the small café.

Sakuragi feels his cheeks heat up, hesitantly moving his gaze away from Rukawa's intense cobalt eyes. Rukawa's gaze stayed on him, his eyes soften as he tries to memorise and capture this moment, to remember how right it feels to be here and even though this will be over soon and even though this brief moment is all he has to cherish then so be it.

"Why are you staring at me like that?" asks Sakuragi, his eyebrows raise questioningly.

"I just want to remember this."

"It's creepy," Sakuragi says, looking away to hide his embarrassment.

Suddenly, a hand gently reaches out to touch Sakuragi's chin, slowly moving his line of focus to the man next to him. Rukawa holds their gaze, his eyes tender. The intensity of it startles Sakuragi slightly, he's never seen Rukawa look so…seriously. Rukawa leans forward slowly, their breaths mixing together. Sakuragi closes his eyes and pursed his lips, getting ready for the melting of lips and tangling of tongues but it never comes. Instead, he feels a peck on his cheek. Sakuragi opens his eyes to Rukawa slowly pulling away. Warmth radiates from the spot where Rukawa's lips touch his cheek, slowly spreading the rest of him. It was merely a peck and yet, it still makes Sakuragi's heart race.

"I should go," Rukawa sits up and begins to move out of bed.

"Now?"

Rukawa looks at Sakuragi briefly before averting his gaze, "I have to fly back to America tonight." And just like that, with those words, the mood changed, the atmosphere turned heavy, as if a heavy boulder suddenly comes crashing in. It's not that this information is any surprise, they know that this will happen but reality can be cruel when you let yourself be swept away by the illusion that things remained as it should be. But, as the old saying goes, 'good things come to an end'. And this is as far as it goes.

They know this but it still hurts to have a piece of something you love back only to have to lose it again.

But then again, maybe it's their fault.

"O-oh…" was all Sakuragi could muster.

"If you tell me to stay I'll…"

"Don't." Sakuragi quickly cuts him off, surprising Rukawa at how hasty he sounded.

"Idiot, don't waste this opportunity."

Taken aback, Rukawa tries not to look disappointed. He knows Sakuragi is right but it still leaves a bitter sensation in his chest. Rukawa lips pressing tight, eyes focusing inward.

"Okay, "Rukawa smiles lightly.

Before he could pull himself completely out of bed, a hand stops him and grabbed his wrist.

Sakuragi looks at him, his eyes soft and understanding, "Don't worry, I won't hate you this time."

Rukawa scoffs at that, "You say that now," he teased, a small smile tugging at his lips. As reassuring as it is, his heart still feels heavy.

"I don't know when I'll be back, maybe another 2 years."

"Oh." Sakuragi could feel his heart sink at those words. He tries to shake off the feeling disappointment, "of course, yeah."

Rukawa looks at him remorsefully, he wanted to say something, anything reassuring. His mind is screaming for him to stay, at least for a while. Everything in him is telling him to savour this moment, to hold on, to make up for all those wasted times. but all he manages to do is grip Sakuragi's hand tightly before hesitantly letting go.

Sakuragi watches silently as Rukawa slipped out of the door, closing the door behind with a click. All that time he's been holding his breath, hoping that, at least this part, is all a dream and that Rukawa is still here, with him. The space next to him cold and the room now void of any life. The silence is deafening and as Sakuragi sits there, on his bed, naked and alone, he swears the tears he's been holding all this time threatens to burst through. He holds it in, wiping the corner of his eyes.

He curled himself into a ball, hugging himself, convincing himself that this is right. For both of them. They talked it out, had the closure they needed and that is enough. Understanding their confusion is as far as it will get.

What is he expecting anyway? Things were never going to change that much.

Reality doesn't work that way. They have to let go.