The Gaze and the Glance

Author's Note: Phew. This is also a long one. And it's full of Angst, I warn you now. Basically, I just want to get all Julia's...you know, mental stuff out there in the open, so we're all on the same page. :) And there's still not much action, so please bear with me a little longer. Oh, and you may have noticed that I upped the rating to M. This is because Julia is starting to get a bit of a potty-mouth, and things that happen later. So. Other than that, please also have a look at the updated picture of Julia in my profile (The top one has been replaced). I wanted her to look more like she was made of energy when I tried to illustrate the matter-displacement thing, so it's more...lightning-like? I thought it looked cool. Anyway, read on my friends.


Chapter 12

There was something oddly offensive about being put in a room on the opposite end of the house from Julia. Kurt hadn't objected aloud of course, but he felt rather jilted by it all the same, after all, no one had told Mrs. Hayle they'd only decided to become a couple earlier in the day, recently sure, but Kurt still resented being treated like a teenager who had no self-control. Then again, perhaps Mrs. Hayle was still unsure of him, despite how well things had been going towards the end of dinner. He supposed if he had a daughter who had brought home a boy he had never met before, he wouldn't be all that keen on letting them sleep in the same room either.

He watched shadows dance across the ceiling as late night traffic passed by outside, thinking of what he would say to the Professor when they returned to New York tomorrow. Both of the times where Julia exhibited the violent tendencies the Professor was worried about, it seemed to have been in an effort to protect her friends, specifically, him. She had attacked to stop the telepath's torture while in Texas, and just the other night, she had intended to step between Kurt and human cruelty. But if he told the Professor this, there was no doubt in Kurt's mind he would then try to separate the two of them, and he would have none of that. He realized it was probably a little self-centered of him, and he knew he would feel guilty if he outright lied to the Professor about what had caused Julia's anger, but, especially now that the odd bond he had started to feel with her was out in the open and growing stronger, Kurt didn't want to be told he couldn't be with her. Even if it was for a good reason.

Part of him knew he was acting a fool, but he couldn't help it. Julia had begun to mean a lot to him, a lot more than he had ever imagined. Besides, he knew her, trusted her, and had faith that Julia would learn to control her lashing-out responses. Wolverine had been the same way, once upon at time, and still had a stab-first-ask-questions-later attitude about a lot of things, but if Wolverine could learn to control a violent impulse, anyone could. Except for maybe the Hulk.

Interrupting his thoughts, the door opened and Kurt raised his head curiously, finding Julia already half across the room, and then sitting on the foot of the bed.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah." She nodded, staring back out the door absently. "But this place makes me feel like I'm eight years old again. It's kinda weird, and makes it hard to sleep."

"I see." He sat up and imitated her, leaning his back against the wall. "Can I ask you something Jyulia?"

"Don't see why not." She shrugged, and seemed to be fiddling with the hem of her shirt.

"Vhy didn't you ever come back here to visit? Esmerelda seems like she vould have really liked to see you more."

In answer, Julia merely shrugged again. "I feel like I used to have a really good reason that I always told myself when I decided not to come back, or write, or call or anything. But now I feel like it was silly to worry Nana'd be angry at me."

"Vhy in the vorld vould she be angry at you?"

"For leaving. She...she wanted to adopt me, when I was fifteen. She wanted to finish raising me as her own. But I...I still just left, when I was old enough. I couldn't let her find out what I really was. I couldn't let her friends and the neighbors or anyone else know she wanted to adopt a mutant. It seemed like a smart idea at the time, but it made it so hard to trust anyone."

"I know de feeling."

"Were there any other mutants in the circus?"

"Nein. Just me."

"But I mean, it was a circus. You blended in and stuff, right?"

"Not really." Kurt shook his head. "Most of de things you see in a circus are acts, just masks und make-up. They knew vhat I vas, und most of them learned about the sticking to valls and teleporting, but I vas still just a man in a mask to everyvone outside the tent. Only a few knew dhis is vhat I actually look like." He patted the side of his face for emphasis, though he figured she must get his meaning. She glanced over at him with a frown.

"Has anyone ever told you how incredibly depressing it can be to talk to you sometimes?"

"Sorry, it vasn't my intention. It vas only the truth. Und like I've said, it really vasn't all that bad," Kurt amended quickly.

"I know, it's not you really, it's...everybody else." She waved her arm in a sweeping motion, indicating, he supposed, the rest of the world.

"They vill learn, someday. Just try to remember that by not hurting dhem, ve prove them vrong about us. So try not to stab anyone else, alright?"

"Okay, okay. I'll try not to let my anger get the better of me, I promise. But you have to admit some people at least deserve a scare once in awhile."

"Ja, vell, let's leave that to Logan."


Julia woke up feeling warm and cozy, and she concluded fairly quickly that it was because Kurt made an excellent, cuddly space-heater. She wondered if sleeping together like this was going to become a habit; she certainly had no complaints, but considering it gave her an excuse to think of naughty things, she wasn't sure it was a good idea.

Regardless, her face had found a nice little niche between his neck and his shoulder, and she was perfectly content not to move until Hank and The Professor arrived to pick them up. Sadly, she felt him fidget, and heard Kurt mumble something incoherent as he woke up.

"Are you avake?" He questioned softly after a few moments, and Julia felt a light touch brush the crown of her head.

"Nope."

"Ah, that's vhy you're drooling on me then."

"I do not drool."

"How vould you know? You're asleep remember?"

"And I see you woke up feeling sassy," Julia commented, raising her head and propping it on her hand. "How did you sleep?"

"Fine. Although...my tail is asleep."

"Move it?"

"You fell asleep on it. I can't."

Julia glanced down, noticing for the first time that his tail was indeed curled under her. "Oh, sorry, you could have rolled me over." She said, embarrassed, and propping herself up enough for him to pull it away.

"You vere sleeping. I didn't vant to vake you. And then I fell asleep." Kurt shrugged, twitching his tail about, presumably to get the feeling back in it.

"Sweet of you." She smiled, laying her head down against the pillow. "And if it's all the same to you, I think I'll go back to sleep."

"I'm sorry to bother you Kurt, but Julia isn't in her room-" Before Nana Hayle had finished the sentence, Kurt had vanished with a startled yelp and his signature puff of smoke, leaving Julia with an equally surprised expression due to the void of colder air left under the blanket without his body heat. "Oh. I suppose I should have knocked...I, er, did not interrupt anything, I hope? Where did he go?"

"I don't know. I think you scared him, or maybe he was embarrassed. He'll come back," Julia said, pulling herself out of bed for real this time, standing with a tall stretch and looking out the window, assuming Kurt would have teleported into the garden, seeing as it was the closest thing to familiar territory to him near the house. "And no, we weren't doing anything. We were just...chatting."

"While in bed together?"

"Er...yeah." Nana narrowed her eyes at Julia the way she had always done when she was a child up to no good. "Nana, I'm too old for you to be giving me that look."

"Ah...I suppose I forget you're not a child anymore niña. It doesn't seem like you've been gone long enough to grow up..."

"Yeah, well I guess...I'm sorry about never visiting. Or writing that much. I just had a lot to deal with at the time."

"I understand." Nana Hayle nodded wisely. She sat on the edge of the bed, while Julia continued her stretching, a habit she had picked up after a few sessions in the Danger Room, stiffness was the last thing you wanted in there. "So you and he...do you love him?"

"Uhm...love is kind of a strong word. But he's...different. And I don't mean just the fact he's blue and stuff, Kurt is just so...sweet. He's great Nana, really. But...maybe a bit skiddish."

"So I can guess. Still, I haven't seen you quite so dreamy-eyed since your first Leonardo Dicaprio movie."

"I was also twelve." She pointed out.

"Ah, don't be such a cynic mi pequeña, or you'll never fall in love." Nana Hayle wagged a finger at her.

"Yeah, yeah." Julia smiled and shook her head. Nana had been telling her exact same thing since Julia had been ten or eleven. Of course, she had thought she'd been in love with Dylan, and Nana hadn't exactly approved of that little fiasco. At this point though, Julia fully understood, and agreed, with Nana's opinion of him.

She finally spied Kurt outside, perched somewhat awkwardly in one of the larger trees, but she gathered from his expression he was wondering whether it was safe to come back yet. She supposed he was worried Nana Hayle thought she had caught them doing something inappropriate, and though hiding in a tree wasn't really a rational response in Julia's opinion, she was familiar with Kurt's nervousness around normal people. She waved a hand, and after a moment or two of hesitation, Kurt 'ported back into the room, startling the elderly woman.

"You get used to it, I promise," Julia said, while Kurt apologized profusely.


A few hours later, after another awesome meal by Nana Hayle, Julia and Kurt got the mental call from Professor Xavier, saying that he and Hank were less than fifteen minutes away. They prepared for the trip back to the outskirts of town, Nana Hayle bustling about and trying to convince them that they would need snacks for the road, seeing as New York was such a long way away. Eventually, they gave in to her insistence, each taking a sandwich and a bottle of sugar-free juice, and gave up trying to explain that the Blackbird cut the trip in half.

"Promise me you will at least write Julia, I've learned to do Emails finally, and I missed you terribly these last few years," Nana Hayle insisted, pulling her in for a hug.

"I will, don't worry," She agreed, returning the shorter woman's hug. Releasing Julia, Nana Hayle turned to Kurt, and pulled him into a hug before he could offer a handshake or something of the sort. She muttered something which Julia couldn't hear to him, before turning him loose, and waving them off as Kurt took hold of Julia's hand, teleporting them off towards the outskirts of town.

"What did she say to you?" Julia asked after the first few rooftops, unable to restrain her curiosity.

"She told me dhat I should never change."

She smiled, feeling that it must mean Nana Hayle had grown to like Kurt in their short visit. "I agree. You should never, ever change."

"Not even for you?"

"Why would I want you to?"

Kurt shook his head, but looked to the old, run-down industrial park where the Blackbird would be landing, rather than at her. "It vas only a thought."

They hadn't been waiting more than a few minutes when they felt the pressure of the concealed aircraft landing nearby, and started toward it. Hank greeted them at the ramp before returning to the front console.

"Did you have a nice visit?" The Professor questioned, and Julia could practically feel him communicating with Kurt mentally, but she tried not to let on that it was irking her they were talking behind her back.

"Yeah. It was nice," She said, albeit shortly. She turned her attention to Hank, figuring she'd just pretend not to notice Kurt and the Professor's separate conversation. "What happened at the conference? It sounded bad."

"The conference was intended to discuss treatments for mutant patients, evidently the Purifiers got wind of it. One of the members attempted to assassinate the head of the conference, a doctor who also happens to be a mutant." Julia could practically hear Hank's lip curling as he spoke.

She sat back in her seat, her arms crossed thoughtfully over her chest, and though she was unable to see it, her expression was one of pure, black anger.

For all the powers the X-Men might have between them, they would never be able to use them on the real threat, that being the normal humans who hated them just because mutants were a threat to their precious egos and their dominance of the planet.

And sooner or later, something was going to tip the scales. She wasn't sure which way they would tip, but she wasn't sure she wanted to stick around to find out either.


"Is it just me, or does Jules seem a little pissed off today?" Logan's voice alerted Marcy, Ororo, Scott, and Hank that he had arrived in the control deck of the Danger Room. Truthfully, Hank had probably known he was approaching, but hadn't paid it much mind. Sometimes Logan just liked to wander and Hank knew that.

"She definitely gave up the mission objective a good five minutes ago," Scott answered, clearly annoyed at the fact. This 'mission' was a simulation based on stealth, and had been intended as a practice run for Kurt and Julia, their resident stealth unit. The objective had been to sneak into the holographic fortress without being detected, but after less than five minutes, Julia had started a fight with an illusory guard, and now seemed to simply be bent on the destruction of the entire populace of mirage guards.

"Maybe her n' fuzzy-blue had a fight." Logan shrugged, leaning on the door frame. No one quite knew whether the two of them were together or not, but Logan was fairly convinced if they weren't already a couple, it was going to happen very, very soon. His senses didn't lie to him after all, and the pheromones were literally flying between the two.

"Kurt's the only one who's head she hasn't tried to rip off today." Marcy muttered, her arms crossed in a hurt huff. "She told me to leave her the hell alone when I tried to wake her up this morning. She's never cursed at me before. Well, not like that anyway, she's never meant it before."

"Perhaps it is simply...that time of the month, as you say," Ororo suggested.

"I don't care what time of the month it is, she can't just toss her responsibilities out the window whenever she feels like it. If this were real, she could have ended up getting Kurt killed by now." Scott said angrily. Though Logan wouldn't tell him so, he thought their leader, if that's what you wanted to call him, was being a little harsh. Maybe no one else had noticed, but something about Arizona had been stewing under the surface ever since Julia had returned. He wasn't sure what it was, but he had expected it to come bursting out sooner or later. This, he supposed, was where it hit its boiling point. Scott shut down the simulation with an angry jab of his finger, stalking past Wolverine and down towards the Danger Rooms main floor. Ororo started to follow as though to play referee, but Logan shook his head at her.

"Ya gotta let her deal with it 'Roro."

"Surely you don't think Scott yelling at her will help the situation," The tall African beauty responded indignantly.

"Maybe. Whatever's gotten under her skin, she's keeping it hidden, and it ain't doing her any good. If she gets it off her chest, even if it's cuz she's screamin' back at Summers, it'll be better in the long run."

"Or it might just make her feel like we're not on her side," Marcy added in, clearly fearing that particular outcome. No one wanted to ostracize a member of the team, but they all knew something was wrong with Julia and she didn't want to discuss it with any of them.

Much to Logan's surprise, Julia didn't yell back at Scott. She didn't react much at all. She stood and met him eye to eye, still in her energy-based form, her expression unreadable, and when he had finished his rant, she simply faded back to her flesh-and-bone state, turned on her heel, and left the Danger Room without so much as a word to anyone.

"Jyulia-" Kurt was naturally the first to give chase, but when even he couldn't get a side-long glance, he vanished in a puff of smoke, likely in an attempt to catch her in the hallway somewhere.

The group in the observation deck exchanged glances. Something was very, very wrong, but no one knew what to do. Logan turned on his heel and marched down the hallway.

If no one else was going to do anything, it was time for some Wolverine-style tough love.

He found the Elf standing outside Julia's door, his hand raised as though he had been knocking, but upon hearing Logan's approach, he lowered his hand again.

"She in there?"

"Ja. But she von't even talk to me..."

"Move."

"Er, Logan-"

"Move." Obediently, Kurt took a step away from the door, but was watching Logan with the kind of caution that told him Kurt would intervene the second he felt this went too far. There really was something going on between them, that much Logan was certain of.

Logan took a step back, then popped his claws and ripped the lock out of the door with one swift swipe.

"Logan!"

Ignoring Kurt's protest, Logan shoved the door open, Julia standing in the center of the room, meeting him glare for glare.

"What the hell was that for?" She demanded, gesturing at the door.

His claws still fully extended, Logan jabbed a finger in her face. "Yer too goddamn old to be throwing a tantrum like this, so straighten up."

"Oh, that's brilliant. Wolverine is going to tell me about tantrums. Do you have any deep breathing exercises you want to recommend too?"

"I could poke a hole in ya and see if that helps."

Julia's silver glare intensified slightly. "Fucking brilliant," Was all she she said, turning on her heel, turning her back on Logan in a way that was partially childish, partially out of sheer frustration. "Clearly you don't actually plan to help, so just go away."

"Maybe I could help if ya felt like telling someone what the hell is wrong with ya!"

"Wrong with me?" Julia whipped around again, and her hair flared too violently to just be an effect of movement. It swirled around her head like black fire, indicating her rage was hitting the point that she was neglecting to restrain her powers. "Wrong with me?" She repeated a little more forcefully, her hair almost seeming to spark, and small black spots of energy starting to sprout up along her arms. "What about what's wrong with everybody else? We get chased through the streets, we get shot at, we get threatened and rounded up like we're some kind of infectious disease, and you want to know what the hell is wrong with me? We save people day in and day out, and no one even cares! They just keep hating us. We're not making a difference, not even a little bit, but we just keep playing along with it like delusional idiots! I hate it! I don't want to do this anymore! Any of it!" By the time the final word had left her lips, Julia's transformation had finished, and her entire body was sparking and flaring, her energy-based form reflecting her internal turmoil.

"But yer still here, ain't ya?" Logan pointed out. Julia's head jerked to the side, staring out the window now. Her hair stopped flaring so violently, now seeming to flicker between solid and ghostly. Logan couldn't gather what sort of emotion that was reflecting, but he got the feeling it definitely wasn't a happy one.

"I don't belong here," She said, her voice low enough that without his over-developed hearing, Logan probably wouldn't have caught it.

Kurt, who had been standing by, unsure of what to do while Julia and Logan shouted at each other, ventured into the room now, curious at the sudden quiet.

"I don't...I don't think I belong here." Julia said quietly. "I don't know if I ever did. I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be an X-Man."

"Says who?"

"Says me! I'm not a hero, I don't know why I ever thought it would be a good idea to pretend like I am."

"Yeah, well, ya can't just change yer mind. You're an X-Man now kid, it's what ya wanted, and now you have to live with it. Takin' the X off the front of yer shirt won't change the fact that people will hate you for bein' a mutant."

Julia's hands curled into fists, and then suddenly she sprang at Logan with an angry, wordless growl, her fingers elongating into spikes. He knocked her first strike away with his own claws, figuring if this was how she wanted to deal with her anger, it was better to let her take it out on him than someone else. Numbness spread down his arms after Julia's claws made contact with his; her normal paralyzing effect only lasted two or three seconds on him as opposed to the hour or two it lasted on anyone else, his nervous system able to regenerate as fast as the rest of him. He supposed he should be grateful she couldn't phase her claws through the adamantium, he might have really been in trouble then, even if she was striking wildly. Logan had taught her to fight, he knew her style; her normal natural precision was all but lost as she took hap-hazard swipes and jabs at him. Logan never moved, just shoved her hands away when she got too close to his face.

"Jyulia! Jyulia please just stop, this isn't helping anything!" Evidently having tolerated enough of the fighting for his taste, Kurt stepped into the fray, his arm looping around Julia's waist and tugging her away from Logan, his free hand holding one of her wrists, and his tail the other, more or less preventing her from trying to fight anymore. She fought him for only a second or two, and then her head drooped, Julia looking at her feet as though she had totally given up.

"I hate this." She muttered, her voice mingling despair and hints of previous anger. "I hate not knowing what I should do..." She twisted in Kurt's hands, hiding her face against his shoulder.

Her hair flickered like a dying light bulb. Sadness, lost convictions, lost hope, lost place. Logan knew that feeling all to well. But at least Julia had her memories, at least she had friends, and she sure as hell still had the Elf on her side. Kurt's blue, three-fingered hand curled over the back of Julia's head, as though he planned to protect her from Logan.

"Logan, I dhink...I think you've made your point."

"Looks that way."

"Vould you...leave us alone for avhile?"

He nodded and turned to leave, closing the half-destroyed door. Maybe it hadn't been the healthiest way to get it out of her, but Logan knew it was only going to keep getting worse, keep eating her up inside if she kept trying to hide it. If she wanted to leave the X-Men, that was all well and good, but she couldn't pretend it would fix everything to go back to masquerading like she was a normal person. They all had their doubts, and they all worked through them. If nothing else, he didn't want to see her leave when she and the Elf were so clearly mushy for each other. It would hurt him, and bad, to have her leave him behind that way.


Kurt was unsure of what to say. Logan had at least gotten through to Julia, not that he approved of the method, but he didn't know whether it was a good idea to keep pushing her. Why had she kept this to herself for so long? It honestly hurt him a little bit to know it was easier to have Logan practically rip it out of her than it would have been to just tell him she was having so many doubts. He had once had very similar ones himself, they could have talked about it, he could have tried to help.

But Kurt tried to remember that this wasn't about him right now, it was about her.

"Do you vant to talk about it?" She shook her head, rubbing her face slightly on his shoulder.

"I just...I need a second..."

"Okay." He took his hand away from her wrist, figuring she was calm enough now that she wasn't going lash out unexpectedly, and set it against her back instead. Her body was tense, the odd energy sparking against his palm, though he could barely feel it; both his hands and his tail had gone a little bit numb while trying to restrain Julia, his nerves slightly scrambled by her agitated powers. As though sensing it, she abruptly faded back into flesh-and-bone.

"I feel so messed up," She finally said. "I keep trying to make good decisions, but they all end up being wrong. I keep screwing up."

"Everybody does."

"You don't." Kurt chuckled in a sarcastic manner and shook his head.

"Nein. I do. You know I do."

"Like when?" She scoffed.

"Vell, look how long it took me to try and kiss you."

"That's not the same thing." She shook her head, pulling away from him slightly. "I joined the X-Men, hoping I could learn...I don't know, how to deal with how much I hated the Purifiers, instead, it just made me realize that nothing we do makes a difference. The stupid Purifiers tried to kill a doctor, a doctor, because he was a mutant! Even though everybody was watching, even though members of the X-Men were there. As long as we have this stupid, messed up strand of DNA we're just going to be treated like a bunch of freaks!"

"Maybe." Kurt nodded.

"And all I wanted to do was get those guys to leave you alone! I thought it was right to stop them, so why is everyone so freaking mad about it?"

"No vone is mad about it liebling."

"The Professor is."

"He's not, he just doesn't vant you to do something that vill end up getting you hurt," Kurt said firmly. She just sighed in response for a long moment, and when she said nothing for awhile, Kurt tried asking another question. "Did you mean vhat you said?"

"Which part?"

"The part vhere you don't feel like you belong. Do you vant to...leave?"

She tugged far enough away from him to stare up at Kurt with a lost expression in her eyes. "If I said yes, would you run away with me?"

It was Kurt's turn to sigh. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"Dhere is novhere 'normal' you could go that I can follow vithout causing trouble. I'm a mutant, und an obvious vone Jyulia. I vill always look like this, I alvays have. If you vant a normal life, then it shouldn't include me. Dhis place, the school, is the closest thing to normal I've ever had."

"Well, that's hardly fair. If I get what I want, I can't have what I want." Julia's hands clung onto the back of Kurt's uniform. "I'm just starting to wonder why I wanted to join the X-Men in the first place. It was such a stupid idea..."

"I don't think it vas," Kurt said gently. "Jyulia, if you vant to go, I von't stop you, it's alvays been your choice. But I vish...I vish you vouldn't leave."

"I don't know Kurt. You always talk about having to find our place, and I'm not so sure mine is here. I thought it might be, but things have been changing...a lot."

Kurt only nodded. He wanted Julia to be happy, truly he did, but what if that meant he would never be able to see her again? Never be able to hold her or kiss her again? At the very least, he knew they couldn't be together if she left, if only because there was no way he could really be a part of a normal life; the best he could be for her outside of these walls was a skeleton in her closet. He would never really be able to normal, and it was as simple as that; he couldn't turn off his mutation when the fight was over the way Julia could. He would always be marked.

Would he have to let her go to make her happy? Could he, considering he felt like he had only just found her? Considering he was still working up the courage to tell her how he really felt?


"Are you still awake?"

"Ja." After awhile, Kurt had coaxed Julia onto the couch, and spent a good portion of the remaining day sitting with her and holding her close against his chest, wondering to himself if it might be one of the last times he was able to do so. His arms around her middle tightened at the thought. Maybe he was being a little selfish, but he couldn't help it, he wanted her to stay. More than anything.

"If I left, I'd be alone, wouldn't I?"

"Ja, perhaps. But it vouldn't have to be that vay all the time..."

"I'm scared of being alone again," Julia said shortly.

"Don't be. You could alvays meet new people, und vithout me you could meet somevone who could alvays be there-"

"Whoa, back up a second." Julia twisted around in his arms, half straddling his lap with one foot on the floor and one folded under herself. "Are you implying we have to break up if I leave the X-Men?"

"I think...it vould be best," Kurt said softly. "If vhat you vant is normal, I'm the last person you vould introduce to your friends."

"I don't want normal, I'm just sick of trying to do the right thing and nothing ever changing. I'm sick of people treating mutants like freaks, and I'm sick of trying to play by rules that no one else follows."

"Jyulia, you know I vould vant to be vith you, but...vhere in the vorld could ve go vhere you could kiss me in public vithout a mob coming after us?"

"I don't know okay? I'm still working that part out," Julia sighed.

"Listen, liebling, I know vhat you're feeling. I really do, I've had the same questions, lots of times."

"Then how did you decide what was right?" Julia questioned, a hint of desperation in her voice

"I look at the vay things vere before the Professor found me, and I think of how much better it is now. I know it doesn't alvays seem that vay liebling, but do you vant to hide your powers? How vill that make you feel better? I vant to make a difference, I vant people to accept me as I am, und that means trying to help them, even vhen I don't vant to. Ve have to show people vhat ve are, vhat ve can do, and that it's for good."

Julia stared hard at a corner, and he could practically see the wheels turning in her head, though he didn't dare guess to what end. Part of Kurt knew he was right, and part of him knew he didn't always practice what he preached. Some days he got really, really angry with the normal people too. Some days he wanted nothing more than to run away, leave the X-Men and find some isolated little cabin where he could just be left alone. But he knew he would hate himself for doing that. He stood for something as an X-Man, he made a difference, even if it was only a tiny, usually under-appreciated one.

"I don't think I have quite so much conviction," Julia answered finally, shaking her head as though to clear cluttered thoughts.

"It's not something you can just decide."

She slid off the couch, walking to the window to stare out into the afternoon sky. "I...Kurt, I need some time to think."

"I understand." He stood too, and traced her steps to the window, placing his hands on her shoulders and a kiss in her hair; tangled as it was, it still felt like velvet against his lips. "Jyulia, if you do decide to go, promise you vill say goodbye."

"I will." She squeezed his hand briefly, and then was silent, very obviously indicating she wanted to be left alone for awhile. Kurt released her and 'ported to his own room, giving her the space she wanted.

They both knew she would stay if he asked her to, and to avoid that, she had asked him to leave. He didn't blame her for that though, this wasn't a choice that should be made for other people, she had to make it for her, no one else, she had to do what she wanted. And he would try to abide by whatever decision it was, even if it meant she would be leaving and he would only get to see her for brief visits when no one would see him, or maybe not at all.

Only be a shadow she had to hide from the world.

Honestly, that was probably the part that upset Kurt the most.


Julia found Logan sitting on a hill not far from the school, a six-pack half-gone at his feet, and a worn-out Stetson guarding his eyes from the sun.

"Hey Jules."

"Logan." She nodded, then stepped up to him, and punched him as hard as she could without breaking her own fingers on his adamantium skull. He toppled over backwards, but she suspected it was more because he had been surprised at her sudden violence than because she had hit him hard enough to do so.

"The hell-?"

"That's for ruining my door, you jerk." She plopped down in the grass next to him, stretching her legs out. "Though I understand why you did it. So thank you. I feel better now that I got all that off my chest."

"Good," Logan huffed, sitting up again and rubbing his jaw. Again, more to make a point than because he was actually hurt. "What's the verdict then?"

"Verdict?"

"Are ya staying or going?"

"Oh, that. I don't know. Neither at the moment."

"What's 'crawler think?"

"I think he wants me to stay. But I also get the feeling he thinks if he asks me to I'll hate him for it later."

"Would ya?"

"I dunno." Julia plucked up a daisy from the grass, plucking the petals from the tiny flower. "My mutation isn't precognition, how am I supposed to know how things will work out?"

"True, so how do ya know things won't change then?"

"I...ah. I see where you're going with this."

"Hey, we all have times where we dunno if we're doing the right thing. And some days we get majorly screwed over, no doubt about that. But if we don't stand fer something, who will?" Logan reached down and pulled a beer out of the remaining three and handed it to her. "Chuck isn't always right, but we're all pretty hit-and-miss when it comes to the moral high-ground. You gotta make yer own choices Jules, and ya can't expect 'em to always be good ones, ya can't make everybody happy. But you can make yerself happy, even if ya gotta take a few hits for it here and there."

"And that's your sagely advice, is it?"

"Close as yer gonna get."

"Alright then." Julia pulled the tab open on her beer taking a sip, thinking about what he had said. Both Kurt and Logan made valid points. The X-Men made a difference, there was no way to deny that, even if she didn't always agree with the methods they had to abide by. She had been the one who made the decision to join the team, did she even have a right to turn her back on it now, just because she was frustrated? And it was true that leaving would get her absolutely nowhere. She would still be angry, mutants would still be hated, and she would have less reason to fight then than she did now. She would have to hide, bury her powers back down in her subconscious where she had hidden them for years.

She didn't know if she could live that way again. Her powers had become an integral part of her being since she had let them out, since she had gained so many new abilities. She loved her powers, she loved being able to use them and not feel like a freak.

She would lose that if she left the Xavier institute. She would lose that, her chance to try and help the other mutants, she would lose her friends, and most of all, she would lose Kurt. It wasn't as though they had some deep, unbreakable bond or anything like that, but she didn't know if she could bear the thought of only having half a relationship with him, if that. Hell, he wanted to totally break it off if she left.

Julia knew one thing for certain, and that was the fact she was happier at the school than she had ever been in New York or Arizona.

"I have to go apologize to Scott for this morning."

"Alright. Don't let 'im rub it in though." Logan nodded, a corner of his mouth quirked up in a smirky smile. He knew what that meant. Julia stood, taking the beer with her, and walked towards the mansion.

She would stay. She would stay and try to change things, including herself if need be. She wanted things to be different, and that meant she couldn't sit on the sidelines, no matter how bad the game could get.


"Kurt?"

"You ought to knock, Jyulia. I might not have had pants on," He scolded lightly in response, while Julia finished materializing her way around the door, still wearing her uniform thankfully, so she was fully clothed.

"That wouldn't be an issue for me." She grinned slightly, almost weakly, settling into his chair. "You should be more worried about what I'd do to you if I caught you without pants." There was a silence between them, Kurt basically fearing what she might say, and Julia seeming uncomfortable. Unable to continue in the tense quiet much longer, Kurt uttered what was his worst fear at the moment.

"So dhen, is this...a goodbye?" He questioned, and suddenly felt like he might choke on the words.

"No...it's not. This is a "sorry for being completely over-dramatic and possibly annoying." I...apologized to Scott, and had a long, long talk with Professor Xavier about my attitude lately. Surprisingly, they both understood and both accepted my apology." She folded her hands in her lap, staring at them, though Kurt guessed she was mostly avoiding his gaze. "I guess I forget that having other people around who understand means I can actually talk about things that are bothering me. I just kept it inside so long that when it finally came out, I had managed to blow everything a little out of proportion. So...I'm sorry you had to deal with me in the middle of my...crisis."

"It vas no problem." Relief flooded into Kurt's system, though he was a little hesitant to get too hopeful. She still hadn't said, explicitly, that she was staying. "I just hope I...vas helpful."

"Yeah...trust me, you were." She nodded, and smiled at him in a way that seemed somehow sad. "And I want you to know, even if I did leave, I would never, ever want to stop seeing you. I would never try to hide you. I would still want to be together, even if I...I wouldn't exactly be a hero anymore. But at this point, I don't think I really know what else to do with myself."

Kurt knelt in front of her, folding her hands in his, watching her earnestly for a reflection of the doubt he felt. "You're going to stay?"

"Yeah, I am. Everything I care about is here now. So I'm going to stay, and I'm going to fight to keep it that way."

"You don't know how glad I am to hear that Jyulia. I vas afraid of losing you." The confession escaped unwittingly as Kurt raised himself up enough to release her hands and wrap her in a hug instead. He had never had to hide from Julia, and the idea that she might have wanted a life where he had to, or at least, had to be a secret, had been heartbreaking to Kurt. But now...now everything felt right with the world again.

"Don't worry, you're stuck with me."


In his office on the first floor, Professor Xavier tilted his head to the side slightly, suddenly picking up on an inexplicable sense of joy, an overwhelming burst of relief, and a swell of what could almost definitely be called love. Kurt. Several floors away though he may be, Kurt was projecting the thoughts loud enough that the Professor could pick up on them passively. As gently as he could, Professor Xavier pushed Kurt's consciousness away, leaving the budding couple to their privacy.

It hadn't been all that long ago that Professor Xavier had been considering somehow separating the two, feeling that their continually growing involvement with one another led them both to make rash decisions, especially on Julia's part, and would eventually lead to them endangering themselves, or worse, other members of the team. Now however, he saw what a costly mistake it would have been.

He wondered what Julia was feeling. It was most likely similar, but it was something he would probably never be able to uncover, not anymore at least. In truth, Julia was now completely immune to Jean's telepathy, and even Xavier could only pick up on fragments, traces of her here and there, never a whole thought, a whole feeling. The more in-tune Julia became with her own powers, the more she adapted to them, the more tied in with her bio-functions the negative energy became. Hank could scarcely find a spot of Julia's body you could still see in an X-Ray. Nearly all her internal processes were now governed by her mutant energy, making her not only invisible to the X-Rays, but more-or-less totally immune to telepathy as well.

It wasn't that he was incapable of trust when he couldn't read someone's mind, Julia was an established member of the team after all. And yet...

She was unpredictable. Being unable to hear her thoughts, he would never know when she was about to lash out. He would never be able to try and calm her, the way he had been forced to do a time or two with Logan. It would certainly benefit the X-Men, having one so completely immune to telepathy on their side, someone to see through illusions. An enemy telepath would never know what Julia was thinking, what she was planning, but unfortunately, neither would Xavier. It was a very taxing situation indeed.

Xavier folded his hands and contemplated the setting sun. She was still green, she lacked the discipline the other members of the team had, that was all. Even if she remained a mystery to Xavier forever, he suspected Kurt was the next best thing he had to a psychic link, they were clearly close, and seemed to be getting closer.