Deacon was standing in the kitchen when Rayna walked in. She laid her phone on top of her purse and then walked over to him. She put her hands on his waist and tilted her head back to look at him, a smile on her face. "I don't know how long we'll be, babe," she said.
He put his hands on her arms and leaned down to kiss her. "Take all the time you need," he said, with a smile. "I know Daphne's been looking forward to a date with Mom all week."
"I've actually been looking forward to it too, quite honestly," she said. She made a face. "I feel like I need to spend some good, quality time with her right now." She looked at him with a serious gaze. "Maddie will be home within the hour. You sure you'll be okay?"
He gave her a half smile. "She's my daughter. It ain't like she's somebody I don't know."
"Well, I know you've felt so distanced from her. For good reason, I'll admit," she said, tapping his chest with her finger. "I just hope having some time together will help you both. Think about what we talked about."
He moved his arms around her shoulders and pulled her into his chest, leaning his cheek on the top of her head. Maddie was coming home after almost a month in New York. He'd promised Rayna he would finally have the talk the two of them needed to have, which was why Rayna was taking Daphne for a girls' afternoon. As he felt Rayna slide her arms around him, holding him tightly, he breathed in slowly, as though to draw strength from her.
After a few minutes, she stepped back and looked up at him. "Why don't you show her what you're working on?" she said.
He raised his eyebrows. After they had discussed his desire to find something productive, something that would give him some satisfaction, he'd made the decision to buy one of the empty spaces facing the river in downtown Nashville. The seller had been motivated and he already had the keys to the place. He'd gotten the renovation plans the week before and was anxious to get started. "Maybe," he said noncommittally.
She shrugged. "I think she'd love to see it. You could talk to her about your plans for it and I think she'd really be interested in hearing all about it."
"We'll see," was all he said.
She turned towards the stairs then. "Daphne!" she called out. "We're gonna be late!"
"I'm coming!" she called out and then they heard her footsteps hurrying down the stairs. She hurried over to them and smiled. "I'm ready!"
Rayna smiled and reached out to pull her younger daughter into a side hug. "I can't wait for our girls' day," she said. "How about you?"
Deacon thought Daphne looked about as happy as he'd seen her since Maddie came home. He knew that, as glad as she'd been for her sister to come home, the changes in the relationship and their future together had been disconcerting for her. She had expected everything to be the same and, when it wasn't, it had left her feeling off balance. "I can't wait," she said, rubbing her hands together.
He smiled at the two of them. "Y'all have a good afternoon," he said.
Rayna smiled at him, then looked at Daphne. "Let's get going then," she said. Daphne ran towards the door and Rayna followed, stopping briefly to kiss him. "We'll see you later, babe," she said, laying her hand on his chest.
"Have fun," he said. Then he turned his head towards the door. "Bye, Daphne!"
"Bye, Deacon!" she shouted as she ran out the door. Rayna smiled at him again and then laughed, hurrying after her daughter.
He spread the blueprints out on the kitchen table. This was going to be a clean slate. He had a new architect, new contractors. Nothing about this space would look the same, or feel the same, as the Beverly. He was calling it Claybourne's and he glanced over at the simple, discreet lettering they'd come up with for the sign. It would blend in with the wood exterior. He'd decided to make it a listening space, so the stage was low, like at the Bluebird. The tables and chairs would be clubby and comfortable. And no pews.
Like the Bluebird, the focus would be on the music, so food and drink were simple. Rayna had turned her nose up at the basic bar fare he'd originally decided on, so he'd let her up the sophistication on the limited menu. Simple food, well-prepared, she'd said. He smiled. He didn't mind giving in to her on that. This place was going to be about the music. He was excited about the venture, ready for this new direction. As he looked over the drawings, he thought about Rayna's suggestion of taking Maddie to see it.
He was ready, he thought. Ready to try to repair the damage, bridge the divide between them, see if they could get back what they'd had. His mind wandered to the conversation he and Rayna had the night before.
He wasn't sure how to broach the topic of fatherhood with Rayna. Ever since he'd had that conversation with Juliette, he'd known he needed to talk to his wife about it. He couldn't just talk to a friend. And because he didn't know how to start it, he just jumped right in.
He was sitting in bed, waiting for her to finish her nightly routine. She walked into the bedroom from the bathroom, rubbing her arms. She pulled the rubber band from her ponytail and fluffed out her hair with her fingers. Then she crawled into the bed on all fours, leaning in for a kiss. Then, with a smile, she slid under the covers and turned slightly towards him.
"I done the best I could as a dad," he said, a knot in his stomach.
She looked confused. "Of course you did, babe," she said, reaching out and rubbing his arm.
He frowned. "But it wasn't enough."
She screwed up her face. "What do you mean?"
He worked his lip for a moment. "She said she was afraid of me. She told you that the day of the wedding." He choked on his words. "All that time, she was afraid."
"But she's living here now, babe," she said. "I think it was Cash and Frankie that…."
He shook his head. "No, Rayna. This started before she ever met Cash. After Bev died. You know that." He breathed in and looked straight ahead. "What do you tell her when she asks why you never told me?"
She looked down at her lap, rubbing her hands on her legs. "It wasn't because I was afraid or anything, you know that. It was your drinking, your unreliability then. Because I would never have hired you back if I thought it was more than that. Or trusted you with my girls. With Maddie. Not if I thought you would hurt anyone."
"But you were afraid to let me be her dad. You knew. Right from the beginning. That I wasn't dad material."
She sighed deeply. "Oh, babe, it wasn't that exactly. I knew you'd love our baby. And you did. You always loved Maddie."
He looked over at her. She was still looking down at her hands, fidgeting with them. Her shoulders were hunched slightly forward and she seemed a little defeated. "But you still didn't tell me about her. And when I knew, you didn't want me around her. You were afraid."
She lifted her shoulders in a shrug. "I know it seemed like that. But, you know, it hadn't been that long since the accident. And I was angry, not afraid. Maybe it wasn't fair of me to assume you could handle something like that, the way you found out."
He sat back against the pillow. "You had lied to me, Ray. It changed everything."
She nodded, still looking down at her hands. "I know. I did lie to you. And I'm sorry for that. But it felt like I'd been right, that you could put Maddie at risk. I know that's not fair, and you have never done that, but I had almost died, Deacon. Things seemed different through that filter."
He looked over at her. "Did you wish I would have left her alone?"
She looked up at him then. "Honestly? Sometimes I did, at first. Not because of you, but because I didn't want her to be hurt emotionally. But, as we know, she's a very determined girl and, once she knew, that was that." She gave him a tiny smile. "And you proved you could do it."
"But I made mistakes…."
She shook her head. "We all make mistakes. None of us are perfect. You do the best you can. And you just love 'em. That's all you can do." She raised her eyebrows. "And you did that. Don't ever think you didn't."
He breathed in and gave a slight nod. "How did it feel, back then, when you made your decision?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
Her eyes got misty then. "It was terrible. I wanted to tell you. I went to tell you. And when I decided what I was going to do, I felt terrible about it. I told you that I cried every day for over a year. It was not what I wanted, but you know, that life wore me down. I wasn't afraid, but I was tired. Bone tired. I didn't think I could go one more day worrying about you." She bit her lip. "I always wondered if I'd done the right thing. As much as I felt like I had to do it to take care of Maddie, there was never a day when I didn't wonder that." Her eyes filled with anguish then. "I'm sorry I wasn't the one to tell you. I should have been and I know that."
He breathed out, then nodded. He took her hand and she looked up at him. "That's all I ever wanted to hear, Ray."
He could see the sadness in her eyes then. "Really?" she whispered. He nodded. She reached up with her other hand and cupped his cheek. "I'm sorry I never said it before." She swallowed. "I wish I'd been strong enough."
He shook his head, bringing himself back to the present. He smiled a little. It had segued from a heartfelt conversation and confession from her to a night filled with passion and love. He was glad they were finally putting all the pieces back together and it was beginning to feel like it had when they'd first gotten back together, everything filled with love and wonder and happiness and the joy of being together.
And now they would have this. Claybourne's. A place where they would both feel comfortable, where they could focus on making music together again.
"Dad?"
He turned towards her voice. He had been so caught up in his musings he hadn't heard Maddie come in. "Hey, Maddie," he said, standing up and walking over towards the kitchen island.
She looked around. "Where's Mom? Where's Daphne?"
"They went shopping." He breathed in. "How was the trip?"
She shrugged, dropping her purse on the island, and then going to get a bottled water out of the fridge. "Okay. I really never knew how boring making an album could be. Was it like that for you?" She opened the bottle and took a sip of water, then leaned on the counter.
He shook his head. "Mm, not so much. First album I just did everything in one or two takes. It was real low budget. The EP was live, so, you know, live. But I do remember your mama being frustrated by the process."
She rolled her eyes. "It's so exhausting to have to sing the same verse over and over. No, louder this time. No, change the pitch. No, let's try different words." She made an exasperated noise. "At least when you hear it at the end, it sounds okay. I guess that's the point."
He nodded. "Did you finish?"
"No. They're going to lay down the instrumental tracks and then I'll probably have to go back and make some changes."
"You happy with it?"
She shrugged. "Mostly, I guess. I'm kind of disappointed that I'm using mostly other people's songs, but I guess most of my stuff was too country or was meant for a duet." She looked at him. "Did you and Mom always do all the writing? Before?"
He knew she meant before Teddy. After Teddy, they certainly wrote less together. "Yeah, we did," he said. "Well, after her first album. She did a lot of other people's songs too. Still does."
Maddie smiled. "So there's hope. I guess I need to start writing."
Deacon frowned. "Did you get a new producer?"
She nodded as she took a sip of water. "His name's Max," she said. "A big deal, Kaitlyn said. Not as big a deal as Vince Pierce though." She rolled her eyes. "But he's produced Taylor, so good enough, I guess."
"She give you a hard time about switching?"
She shrugged. "A little. But Glenn handled her. He said not to worry."
He shook his head. "I can't believe she'd still want you to work with that piece of crap." He looked at her, remembering how scared she'd been when he found her at Vince's place. "I'm glad you got out of that."
She nodded. "Me too," she said softly. There was an awkward silence for a moment. Then she glanced over to the table. "So, what's that?" she asked, nodding towards the plans laid out on the table.
He glanced over at the table and then back at her. "Nothing, really," he said, not knowing why he'd said that.
She looked confused. "It doesn't look like nothing," she said. She walked over and looked down at the blueprint. She looked back at him. "Are you building something?" she asked.
He stuck his hands in his pockets and breathed in. He wasn't really sure why he was so reluctant to talk to her about it. In the week that he'd had them, he and Rayna had spent every evening looking at the blueprints and pointing out one thing or another to change, commenting on the things they liked, letting themselves get excited about the possibilities. "I bought some property," he said finally. "Down on 1st."
She looked back at the plans, running her fingers over the paper. "Is this a bar?" she asked, an odd note to her voice.
He swallowed. "Nah. Um, we'll sell limited drinks and food, but it's gonna be a listening room."
She turned to face him. "You mean, like the Bluebird?" she asked.
He nodded. "Yeah, but not just for songwriters. Anyone could come and perform."
"Would you do concerts there?"
He shook his head. "Small shows, I guess. Short sets. You'd get to hear a lot of different artists."
A smile slowly broke across her face. "I love it! I think it's perfect. Would you play there?"
He shrugged. "Maybe. Sometimes. With your mama, probably."
"Are you two thinking about writing together again?" she asked, an intrigued look on her face.
"We talked about it."
"I think that's awesome, Dad." She looked back at the plans. "So when will it be open?"
He raised his eyebrows and ran his hand along the back of his neck. "Probably three months or so."
She looked back at him. "So live music every night?"
He nodded. "That's the plan. Mix of names and new talent. Spotlights. That kinda thing."
She grinned. "For Highway 65?"
He looked a little sheepish. "Yeah. But anyone really."
She looked a little wistful then. "I'm glad you're doing this." She breathed in. "What can I say to make things okay between us again?"
He was a little taken aback by the sudden change of topic and he took a second. "I don't know, Maddie," he said finally. "It's not just saying something, I think it's just a process. We gotta rebuild trust, both of us."
She bit down on her lower lip. "I trust you," she said softly.
He put his hands on his hips and breathed in deeply, then let it out slowly. "You were afraid of me. You saw a side of me I never wanted you to see." He paused for a moment. "Why didn't you talk to me about what you saw at my house?" he asked.
She wrapped her arms around her waist and looked away. "It freaked me out, Dad, to be honest. I mean, I'd seen you get angry and yell, but that was so…violent. It made me feel like I didn't know you." She looked back at him then.
He swallowed. He was reminded, in that moment, of a comment Teddy Conrad had made to him not long after he'd found out about Maddie. Maddie is never gonna to stop watching you, Deacon, never. And she's gonna take note of every choice you make. It was same thing, he thought, that Rayna had worried about. "I'm sorry you saw that," he said, finally. "And I'm sorry you heard all that other stuff. I never wanted you to know that kinda thing."
She sat down at the table and, after a moment, he walked over and sat across from her. "Was it all because you were an alcoholic?" she asked.
He breathed in. "It ain't all that simple. And I am an alcoholic. I'll always be one." He cleared his throat. "You know that's what I grew up with. I swore I wouldn't do that, but I did. I went for a lotta years telling myself, and anyone who would listen, that it was just in my blood. But it's a choice, Maddie. I made a choice to drink and then to drink too much. I coulda chosen different and I coulda worked harder to fix it. That's on me. It cost me everything." He rubbed his face. "And I have a temper. You seen it. There were times when I let that get away from me too." He frowned then. "But I never, never hurt your mama on purpose. Or you or Daphne."
She nodded solemnly. "I know."
He sat and looked at her for a minute, thinking about what he wanted to say. "Your mama stayed with me a lot longer than she probably should have. She waited for me, believed in me, for a long time. But she couldn't wait forever. And I can't blame her for that. She made a choice, just like I did. We all make choices, Maddie, and we gotta live with the consequences. And we gotta own it."
He leaned forward then. "Like you, with your emancipation. You made a choice. And you can say Cash led you down that path and told you it was the best thing to do, but somewhere along the way you coulda said no, I don't wanna do this. But you didn't. And you gotta own that."
Maddie eyes filled with tears. "So it means you'll never forgive me?" she asked.
Deacon shook his head. "No, it don't mean that. It just means it takes time to build back trust. I had to do that when I finally got sober. And I had to do it again when I lapsed. It's a journey. It's hard. It's probably harder to say, every day, I ain't gonna drink, but you hurt your mama, you hurt your sister, so not just me. We want to believe in you again, that you want to be part of our family, but it takes work." He got up from the table then and walked towards the den. Maddie's eyes followed him.
She nodded, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I know." She wiped the tears away. "I'm not going to apologize for wanting a career and wanting to perform, because I've wanted that almost my whole life. But I am sorry that all this happened. You're right, I could have not listened to Cash." She looked at him with despair on her face. "I just want to go back to how things used to be. I just want you to be my dad again."
He felt a knot in his stomach as he turned back to look at her. He was tired of reliving all of the past. Dredging up the things he just wanted to move on from. Talking to Maddie like this felt too much like the therapy sessions he and Rayna had been having and he hated having to go over the same ground again. He rubbed his hands over his face, then shoved them into his pockets. He felt pressure behind his eyes, as though he wanted to cry. This was his daughter. He wondered if it really had to be this hard. Despite her being emancipated, she was still a teenager, a child. His child. He'd watched Rayna set aside the hurt and anguish of watching her daughter cut those ties and just embrace her coming home. Was his hurt and pain more than hers? He wasn't sure anymore.
He could feel the dampness in his eyes. She was still standing there, watching him, looking defeated. He cleared his throat, but his voice was still shaky. "I can't keep going over this same thing, Maddie," he said. "I just can't.
