The Price I Pay

***Edited*** A/N: To all my lovely readers; it's been far too long, I know. State exams in ten days, and have I studied? Nope. :) To make up for the fact that I haven't updated in so long, this chapter is super long. I will update again as soon as I can, but I have no idea when that will be. I'm not an "I want x number of reviews before I upload the next chapter" kind of author, but it does inspire me and help me write a lot faster when someone drops me some sort of comment. :) I'll just shut up now.

Disclaimer: I feel no need to write these anymore.

"But when I would see the surrogate, my first instinct, my first reaction would be jealousy, because she was doing what I wanted to do." Cheryl Tiegs.

Spencer awoke the next morning with a strange constricted feeling in his chest. He furrowed his brow, trying to discern the cause for the odd ache, but came up blank. He slid quietly from his bed and rummaged through his bag for clean clothes, knowing that Derek would still be asleep.

He'd called Scott Ramsay the previous evening to accept the offer of a modelling job. Scott had told him to come to a boat on the docks at 9 am for a photo shoot. The idea of modelling still made him distinctly uncomfortable, but after hearing that he could make enough money to pay his mother's healthcare bills for two months in just a week of photo shoots, he was willing to ignore his discomfort.

Having found his only pair of skinny jeans and a purple t-shirt, Spencer turned around to leave the room.

The sight of Rachel pressed into Derek's side, smiling in her sleep, made his stomach shift.

He crept out of the room, wanting to escape as quickly as possible.

He went through the motions of getting ready, barely noticing what he was doing. The clenched feeling in his stomach didn't subside.

He walked to the beach, still on auto pilot, hoping to run into JJ.

When he got there, he found her sitting on a towel biting her nails apprehensively, distanced from the crowd watching the surfers.

"Stop stressing and get it over with." He chided her without preamble.

She jumped nearly a foot into the air, and twisted around to face him.

Her makeup was carefully done, and he had no doubt that her wavy, seemingly careless hair had gotten the same treatment. She smiled at him nervously and sighed. "I can't. He's next to surf and I do not want to talk to him in front of fifty people."

"JJ, you'll only talk yourself out of approaching him if you wait." He spoke gently, empathising with her inner turmoil.

"I know, you're right, but just humour me. Please?" She fixed him with huge, beseeching blue eyes so pleading that he had no choice but to relent.

Before he could reply, the same nasal female voice from yesterday sounded over the speakers. "William LaMontagne Junior, contestant number 5294."

Spencer sat down next to JJ, watching as a young man with brown hair and a wiry build began paddling away from the beach. He could tell without looking at JJ that she was observing with rapt attention every minute shift of his weight Will made, and every twitch his face made as it set in concentration.

"You really don't like Rachel, do you?" JJ didn't look at him when she spoke.

"What makes you say that?" Spencer skirted the question.

JJ chuckled. "Am I wrong?"

"No." He admitted quietly.

"So what is it about her that bothers you?"

"I don't know..." He didn't want to go into his confused emotions at this hour of the morning.

"Spence, you can talk to me. There are times when I don't like her, either. Do you think it's fun constantly being around someone who's good at everything?"

"I don't know how to explain it... It's not something she does that bothers me, but whenever I glance over at her, I just... really dislike her."

JJ looked unconvinced. "Come on, we both know you can do better than that."

He sighed. "She's perfect. Everything about her is perfect. She's beautiful, she's an athlete, she's smart, she's lovely to talk to, and it just annoys me. Every time I look over at Derek, she's there, and I find it unspeakably infuriating that I don't even have a good reason to not like her!" He felt guilty as soon as he'd finished his little rant.

JJ turned towards him, smiling widely. "You're jealous."

"What? No, I'm not." He winced when he heard his voice shoot up an octave.

"Oh, you are majorly jealous, my friend. Don't even try to deny it." JJ's smile grew even wider.

"And if I am?" He admitted in a small voice.

"Tell Derek you like him! He's your best friend, he won't hate you for it." JJ grinned, nearly squealing.

"Yeah, because that'll turn out so well." Spencer rolled his eyes.

"Just think about it. That's all I ask." JJ patted his hand and turned back towards the water.

Will had just returned to the beach amidst a chorus of cheers and claps, grinning widely.

He stopped and spoke to a pair of blond men Spencer recognised from the bar last night, and continued up the beach alone.

Spencer stood up. "JJ, this is the best opportunity you're going to get. Go!" He pulled her to her feet and propelled her forcefully in Will's direction.

She shot a meaningful look over her shoulder, but confidently strode across the beach to intercept Will.

She did a good job of appearing calm and natural, but Spencer wasn't fooled. He'd seen her hands shaking as she bit her nails.

He watched as Will hugged her and smiled, clearly pleased to see her. Their conversation became animated, and they continued walking, never looking away from the other.

He smiled, happy for JJ. There was no doubt in his mind that everything would work out between her and Will, the spark was visible even to him.

Checking his watch, he saw that it was 8:53AM. Brushing sand off his jeans, he began to make his way towards the harbour.

...

That night, Spencer made his way up the beach while reflecting on the day's happenings.

He had gotten to the boat where the shoot was set up just before nine, and had been poked and prodded by what had felt like the entire population of Mexico before they had even sent him to hair and makeup.

Various people had applied more powders and dubious-looking liquids to his face than there were in a Chinese firework factory, and every time he squirmed in discomfort he was chastised colourfully.

An hour later, when the makeup girls had finally finished perfecting his face, the hair team descended upon him.

His hair had been pulled, brushed and touched innumerable times by the men and women in charge of styling his hair before they finally decided to fix it with enough products to make it feel like a helmet.

He looked in the mirror when they were finished, and was unimpressed when he saw that his face and hair looked identical to how they had that morning, except the dark circles under his eyes were hidden.

The wardrobe department had made him strip down to his black boxer briefs and try on thirty variations of the same outfit before finally releasing him from their clutches.

It had been two in the afternoon by the time they started taking test shots, and they hadn't finished until sometime after 8PM.

JJ had texted him that they were having a bonfire on the beach, and the sounds of laughter and someone tuning a guitar floated towards him.

"Hey, Pretty Boy!" Derek caught sight of him and called out.

He waved awkwardly to the entire group and sat down heavily on a log between Emily and Derek.

She smiled and passed him a beer. "You look like you could use it."

He exhaled and shook his head, unscrewing the cap of the long-neck bottle. "You would not believe how incredibly shit modelling is."

"Aww, cheer up, Pretty Boy! The money's great, so deal with it." Derek clapped him on the back so hard he spluttered slightly on his beer.

Still coughing, he ignored Derek and looked around at the people conversing in twos and threes.

Penelope, Kevin and Emily were arguing the merits of The Godfather and Scarface, unable to agree on which was better. Elle commented every now and then, plucking idly at the guitar in her lap. The picture of blissful happiness, JJ and Will were speaking to each other too quietly to hear, holding hands all the while. Lastly his eyes fell on Derek and Rachel, who were nearly as oblivious to their surroundings as JJ and Will. Rachel rested her head on Derek's shoulder and pressed herself into his side possessively.

"It sickens me." Emily's voice murmured from beside him.

"What?" Spencer turned his gaze on her, embarrassed at having been caught staring.

"Derek and Rachel. It physically makes me sick."

"Oh, yeah. I agree." He replied absently, proceeding to drain his almost full bottle of beer.

Without warning, Penelope stood up and addressed the group loudly. "Alright, gang, we are all pleasantly inebriated, and as queen of our motley group, I decree that it is time to play truth or dare."

A collective groan sounded from all around the bonfire, but they were overruled by Penelope and Elle's undying enthusiasm.

Penelope sat back down, and flicked her eyes over each member of the group. "This was my idea, so I'll choose the first victim. Hmm..." Her eyes roved over Emily and settled on Spencer. "Boy wonder, truth or dare?"

He gulped, and picked the less damning option. "Truth."

She looked at him contemplatively, sizing up his weak spots. "Which do you enjoy more; food or sex?"

He gaped at her, shocked at the question. Silence descended, everyone straining to hear his answer.

"Sex." He mumbled, feeling a scarlet blush colour his cheeks.

He glanced up from his shoes, surprised to see most of the group's astounded expressions. "Oh, come on, I'm not that young!" He exclaimed indignantly.

Derek, the only person who hadn't been shocked by his revelation, chimed in. "Alright, fair enough. But what about coffee or sex?"

"Coffee, hands down." Spencer answered instantly, not needing to even think about his answer. He didn't hesitate before choosing the next player. "Kevin, truth or dare?"

Kevin looked surprised at the question, but replied evenly enough; "Dare."

Spencer's face fell slightly; he had never been good at thinking of dares.

Emily leaned in to whisper something in his ear, and he snorted with laughter at her suggestion.

"Alright, Kevin. I dare you to leave a tampon in each nostril for one round."

Kevin looked like he would have given anything to be elsewhere.

"You can always take a chicken." Emily interjected. "But then you'll have to accept the penalty, no matter what."

"Alright, I'll do it." Kevin sighed, and Elle struggled to hold back a snigger.

Penelope produced two mini tampons from her voluminous hand bag, and handed them over with a devilish grin.

Kevin ripped open the yellow packaging, and was confounded by the plastic applicator. After a moment of scrutiny, Elle took pity on him and removed both tampons from the offending tubes. With a long-suffering expression, Kevin jammed a tampon first into one nostril, then the other. "Happy now?" He glared Emily, who dissolved into hysterics at the altered pitch of his voice.

"Will, truth or dare?" Kevin turned his glower to an unsuspecting Will.

Will eyed the tampons with distaste, and carefully enunciated; "Truth."

"How old were you when you got your first kiss?"

Will's cheeks turned a dark pink colour, and he hung his head ashamedly. "Twenty one."

JJ turned towards him, surprised at his answer. "But you're twenty three now, and we were going out two years ago. How is that possible?"

Will's blush heated further. "You were my first kiss."

JJ smiled, pleased with his answer, and settled against his shoulder once more.

"Derek, truth or dare?" Will addressed the other young man across the crackling flames.

Unable to resist the chance to prove his alpha male fearlessness, Derek puffed out his chest. "Dare."

Will thought for a moment. "I dare you to take a body shot off someone in this group."

"Too easy." Derek scoffed and stood up. "I choose Rachel." He dug into the cooler box and pulled out a bottle of tequila and a plastic shot glass.

Spencer watched with growing dislike as Rachel lay flat on her back and pulled up her top to reveal her toned stomach.

He continued to watch as Derek sprinkled salt just below Rachel's navel, and balanced a full shot glass on her belly button.

He felt his lip curl as he observed Derek lick the salt from Rachel's midsection, upend the shot down his throat without using his hands, and suck on a lime wedge. Derek grimaced and sipped his beer to dispel the taste, throwing the lime skin into the bonfire.

"Pretty Boy, truth or dare?" Derek asked.

"I already had a turn! Pick someone else." Spencer protested.

"No dice, kid. Pick one."

"Dare." He answered, reaching around Emily for another beer.

"You told me you were 'somewhat musically inclined' as we drove down here. I dare you to prove it." Derek sat back, looking pleased with himself.

"Fine." Spencer sighed. Not many people would believe it, but he actually loved the buzz of performing. It was one of the only times he enjoyed being the centre of attention, because he knew he was a talented musician. "Elle, can I borrow your guitar?"

Elle stood up and handed him her guitar, and he checked the tuning while he decided on a song to play. His eyes flicked over Rachel and Derek, and the perfect song instantly popped into his head.

He plucked the opening and sang through the verse, studiously ignoring the PDA's going on to his left. He heard more than one person sing the chorus with him, but was pleased to hear his own voice ring strong and clear over everyone else's despite the two beers he'd drank.

Now they're going to bed

And my stomach is sick

And it's all in my head

But she's touching his chest now

He takes off her dress now

Let me go

And I just can't look

It's killing me

And taking control

Jealousy

Turning saints into the sea

Turning through sick lullabies

Choking on your alibi

But it's just the price I pay

Destiny is calling me

Open up my eager eyes

I'm Mr. Brightside

Cheers and claps resounded through the circle when he finished, and he grinned shyly in response. He handed back Elle's guitar and chose his next victim. "Emily."

"Truth." She smiled, thinking that Spencer would never come up with something too embarrassing.

"Have you ever done anything illegal and what was it?"

Emily shifted her weight uncomfortably. "Yeah. For my twenty first birthday, Elle, JJ and me all went on a pub crawl back in New York. We were coming out of the last bar to go home, which was on the other side of town, and we were all in a pretty bad state. We saw a police car parked in a back alley, and Elle had the bright idea to graffiti it. I don't remember anything much after that, but there's a picture of JJ and me next to the car with 'thanks for the lift' written on the bonnet a few blocks from my old apartment." Emily hung her head in shame, attempting to ignore the laughter coming at her from all sides.

JJ and Elle looked rather shamefaced too, furtively ignoring eye contact.

Emily raised her head and looked around, her eyes landing on JJ. "Jayje, truth or dare?"

"Dare." JJ replied nervously.

"I dare you to skinny dip." Emily grinned like the Cheshire cat, looking unusually smug.

JJ paled. "What? That's way worse than what anyone else has had to do!"

Emily's grin remained devilish. "If you take a chicken you'll have to accept the penalty without complaint."

JJ glared at Emily and stood up. She tossed her phone to Will and took off her shoes. "Sometimes I really hate you, Em, you know that?"

Emily snorted with laughter as JJ jogged down the beach. When she reached the water's edge, she stripped quickly and entered the water, diving beneath the surface. She emerged a moment later twenty feet farther out to sea. She swam back to the shore and dressed quickly, running back up the beach.

"Nice tan lines, Jayje!" Rachel hollered down at the petite blonde.

"Screw you!" JJ shouted back good naturedly, mock glaring at the other girl.

Her teeth could be heard chattering as she reached the group, and she paused to wring her hair out over Emily's head. Emily shrieked and bolted from her seat, exclaiming; "Shit, that's cold!"

JJ grabbed a blanket from ground and wrapped it around herself, sitting back down next to Will. When her teeth had stopped chattering and she had dried off, she picked the next contender. "Penelope, truth or dare?"

"I choose a group dare." Penelope's lacquered red lips parted into a mischievous grin, and her eyes sparkled dangerously.

"You can pick it." JJ said dismissively, searching through the cooler box for water.

Penelope bounced in her seat like a child on Christmas morning. "We're going to have piggy back races! But, in these races, the girls have to carry the boys." When no one outright objected, she clapped her hands and stood up. "Who volunteers to be referee?"

Elle laid down her guitar and got up. "I'll do it."

Amidst a chorus of groans and mumbled complaints, Elle lined them up in their pairs at one end of the beach and proceeded to walk away and draw a straight line a hundred feet away.

JJ and Will were paired together, naturally, and Penelope had called dibs on going with Kevin. Derek and Rachel had automatically teamed up, their competitive natures unable to pass up a challenge. And so, by default, Emily and Spencer were left to work together. Truth be told, Spencer was relieved that Emily was his partner, as he knew her the best out of all the girls.

"Ready..." Elle shouted up to them.

The boys all stood behind the girls with their hands on their partner's shoulders.

"... Set..."

Each of the guys jumped onto their partner's back.

"... Go!"

With cumbersome caution, the girls began to move towards Elle in an awkward cross between a speed walk and a jog.

Spencer looked sideways, and was surprised to see he and Emily were ahead of everyone else by a few feet.

Emily crossed the finish line and deposited him back onto the sand.

She turned to look at him incredulously. "I've given piggy backs to girls heavier than you."

Unable to resist the childish urge, he stuck out his tongue at her in jest.

By that time, everyone else had crossed the now blurred finish line and was standing on solid ground.

Rachel could be seen slapping Derek's arm jokingly and asking him; "How much do you freaking weigh?"

He just laughed at her. "Probably about the same as two of you. I'm surprised you could even stand with me on your back."

"Bitch, please. I'm a tank. I go horse riding, surfing and running." She jokingly held up her arm and tensed her bicep.

Derek snorted derisively and threw and arm around her shoulders, leading the way back to the bonfire.

Spencer felt that same dull, constricting ache in his chest as he had the night before as he watched them.

He only noticed the rest of the group heading after Rachel and Derek when JJ touched his shoulder and asked him if he was coming.

He smiled quickly and nodded the affirmative, trailing behind the group along the sand.

After they were once again seated, Penelope insisted that it was still her turn, and called on Elle to go next.

"I pick dare." Elle winked, enthused at the prospect of a challenge.

"I dare you to..." Penelope thought for a few seconds. "Have a tequila race with my baby genius."

Spencer glanced up, alarmed at hearing his name.

Elle was already lining up shot glasses on the lid of the cooler box and beckoning him to sit beside her, leaving no room for argument.

Sighing in resignation, he got up and re-located by Elle's side, watching her lining up five shot glasses each and a full bottle of beer.

"You've got to be joking! I'll pass out if I drink that much!" Spencer protested, aghast.

"Suck it up; I'm not taking the penalty." Elle silenced him with a look.

While Elle unscrewed the caps from the beers, Spencer glanced to his right.

His stomach twisted at the sight of Rachel draping herself over Derek, and suddenly he didn't feel quite so opposed to consuming the alcohol laid out before him.

He turned back to the cooler box lid when Penelope started counting down. "3, 2, 1, go!"

He tipped each of the shots down his throat as fast as he could and began gulping the beer down, watching Elle from the corner of his eye as she did the same.

He finished the beer and slammed his empty bottle down on the blue lid; Elle's hitting the plastic a split second later.

"Baby genius wins!" Penelope whooped.

Elle congratulated him, looking slightly surprised but gracious in her defeat.

He hardly noticed the conversation, distracted by the golden glow his surroundings had taken on. The alcohol made everything shimmery and the flames of the bonfire seemed to move in slow motion.

A while later, he wasn't sure how long, he was being supported by Derek as he stumbled through the door of their shared room, giggling weakly.

He tripped over the threshold, nearly landing flat on his face, only saved from the action by Derek's arm wrapped around his waist tightly.

"Why'd you make me leave? I was having fun!" Spencer slurred.

"After that game of Never Have I Ever, you'd definitely had enough to drink." Derek laughed.

"Killjoy." Spencer pouted.

"Try telling me that tomorrow when you have a killer hangover." Derek turned away and began to pull down the blankets on Spencer's bed.

It suddenly occurred to Spencer that JJ might have been right about telling Derek how he felt. If Derek rejected him, he could always just give the excuse that he had been too drunk to know what he was saying.

He stood up straight and pulled Derek around to face him.

"What's u-" He cut the other man off by placing a hard kiss on his mouth.

Derek remained frozen for a moment, not returning the kiss but not leaning away. After a long moment, he brought his arms up and around Spencer's waist, holding him tightly. He leaned into the kiss, dominating it with a skilled ease. He flicked the tip of his tongue against Spencer's bottom lip, and plunged into the hot, wet cavern of the other's mouth. Spencer moaned when he felt the pleasurable intrusion, pressing himself harder against Derek's toned body.

Spencer's moan made Derek suddenly snap back to reality. He pushed the pale, slight man away, stepping back hurriedly. A horrified expression came over his face as he realised what had just happened. His hand flew to his mouth and his eyes widened to their limits. Without saying a word, he hastened to leave the room, and a moment later Spencer heard his truck starting up outside and driving away.

Spencer pressed his back against the wall and sank to the floor, feeling hot tears escape his eyes. He began to sob quietly. The dull, constricted ache in his chest from earlier had been replaced by a sharp, wrenching pain. He'd forgotten just how painful rejection was.

"In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing." – "The Second Neurotic's Notebook"by Mignon McLaughlin.

A/N: To anyone who lives under a rock and didn't recognise the song Spencer sang, it's "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers. That will be all. :P

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