Aztec Goddess: I wanna explain the cow thing at school: students can buy a square section of the field for a day, then cows are gonna be set free and in whichever sections they crap on, those students win money! What a wonderful world we live in!

Timeline: Right after the last chapter.


Southern Belle

Happy music flowed through Dublith as Zolf skipped though the streets with his fairy tale book and singing in a girly voice: "There goes the baker with his tray, like always; the same old bread and rolls to sell." He coincidentally passed by a baker when he sang, then he continued: "Ev'ry morning just the same – as the morning that we came – to this poor provincial town."

Zolf opened his book and started reading it from the very beginning as he walked on. Little did he know that Scar and Lust were hot on his trail. But the townspeople got on their way as they sang their own part of the song: "Look there he goes; that man is strange, no question. Dazed and distracted, can't you tell?"

"Who?" Lust asked.

"Is it the Crimson Alchemist?" Scar demanded, but the townspeople were unable to answer him.

The townspeople all turned ahead and parted to reveal Zolf walking down the street. Scar and Lust tried to get to him, but the other people started crowding and continued the song about Zolf: "Never part of any crowd 'cause his head's up in some cloud. No denying he's a crazy man, that belle."

"Belle?" Scar made a face. He lost sight of Zolf since the townspeople suddenly filled the street, greeting one another, asking about the others' families and such. They acted as if Scar or Lust did not exist, so they were pushing and shoving them out of the way.

"We could move forward by force," Lust suggested as she grabbed onto Scar's arm. Scar assumed this was just so they would not get separated.

"No, it's too sad to kill people while they're singing," Scar answered. "But isn't there a way to interrupt them?"

"Yes, I'm sure anything loud enough and irrelevant will do."

Scar and Lust shoved the townspeople back to get closer to Zolf and when they finally got a glimpse of him, they were momentarily stunned by . . . amusement? He slowly spun in a circle and sang, "There must be more than this provincial life!"

Zolf was about to waltz into a bookstore, but that was when Scar yelled, "Get your prancing ass over here, you bastard!" The music stopped as if the invisible record player broke suddenly. The townspeople were free of the spell, but they were lost and confused, wondering how they ended up where they were.

Zolf turned around, not looking too happy. "Who the hell messed up my song?" All the townspeople stepped back, forming a half-circle around Scar and Lust. He recognized Lust right away, but who could that Ishbalan be, he wondered.

But poor Zolf had no time to guess since Scar already charged towards him and would have killed Zolf if he did not hop out of the way. Instead, the bookstore got a nice big hole in place of a door. "Hey, what's your problem?" Zolf yelled, protectively hugging his book. "If you want this, you can't have it!"

"I don't want a freakin' book!" Scar chased after Zolf into the crowd, which scattered, so they were all running around aimlessly in confusion, arms flailing, screaming like crazy. "I want you dead! So I can go on with my life!"

"Why?" Zolf whined, defending himself with an unlucky townsman. Scar was taken aback by the explosion and Zolf continued, "You're being very mean! Shame on you!" He shook a finger at Scar.

Lust was basically in the middle of this, pondering what Scar had said. She already admitted to Scar that she did not care about the philosopher's stone, so nothing is stopping him from killing the Crimson Alchemist right now. But what next? Scar would say that there is no longer a reason for her to follow him around and . . . the end. No! Lust would not allow such a crappy ending for herself.

"Enough!" Lust extended her nails between the two fighting men. They both stopped and turned to her.

"What now?" Scar said impatiently. "I thought you said you don't need him." Zolf giggled in response to this. Scar glared at him and told him to shut up.

Lust needed a good answer: "Yeah, well, no, but–" Yeah, she messed up right there.

"Which is it? Can I kill him now or not?" Scar demanded.

"You really were trying to kill me?" Zolf asked rather calmly. "You're no fun."

Scar stared at Zolf unbelievably. "Don't you recognize me?"

Zolf gave Scar a blank stare. "Um, I'm pretty sure you're Ishbalan, with your dark skin and red eyes, but you all look alike to me, so–"

"I'm the one you left for dead!"

" . . . You need to be way more specific than that."

Scar was too pissed off to reply again. His hand barely touched Lust's nails, which she quickly retracted them in a panic, so Scar was free to chase after Zolf again. Lust stood alone for a moment, not knowing what to think. Would Scar have blown her nails apart if she gave him the chance? She shook her head, refusing to consider it, and chased after them.

All the townspeople had fled into their houses, leaving Zolf with practically nothing to work with. So he had no other choice but to scream for help: "Fire! Rape!" –since no one listens to simply "help" anymore.

"You coward!" Scar was yelling. "You should have died years ago!"

"Don't kill him!" Lust yelled, now close behind Scar. And she already had a good reason: "I may not need the stone, but it's my job to obtain it, especially before freakin' Envy does!"

Meanwhile, about a couple yards away from the screaming trio, Frank was walking around, wondering what the odds of finding the legendary Crimson Alchemist around here are. His question was answered by a certain someone screaming, "Solar Eclipse! Rainbow!" and crashing into him.

Frank fell on his ass and wondered, "What the hell?"

Zolf also fell to the ground next to him and said, "Why'd you do that for? Some people are trying to kill me – it's your job to protect innocent civilians!" He saw Scar was getting close, so he got up to run.

"You're not getting away, Crimson Alchemist!" Scar yelled as he came running closer and closer.

"Crimson?" Frank muttered to himself, and he sprang up and grabbed Zolf by his ponytail – not intentionally; Frank missed his arm. Zolf wailed overdramatically and he fell backwards back to the ground.

Lust had caught up to Scar and repeated, "Don't kill him!" She slowed down, noticing that Scar had already stopped.

Scar stood only a few paces in front of Frank, who was pointing a gun at him. "You're that State Alchemist killer, no?" Frank said; he knew the answer.

Scar shrugged coolly. "It's not a big deal anymore. I mean, I've walked by a lot of you guys and I've haven't been arrested yet."

Zolf was sitting cross-legged next to Frank. "Wow, that's awfully retarded."

Scar suddenly remembered what he was trying to do a second ago. "Die, you bastard!" He started a dash at the other two men, but several gunshots from Frank stopped him . . .

All was quiet until Zolf commented, "Your aim sucks." Frank did not reply since that was true, so he motioned for Zolf to follow him without a word. Scar was too shocked to move from his spot.

No, Scar was unscathed, but he knew that other unmistakable sound after the shots. He slowly turned his head, then looked downward. There Lust lay; a bullet through the head, a puddle of blood as a pillow. This was the second time Scar had to see a woman with that face die.

He still remembered that day and how pissed off he was that it was Abel holding her hand. And she was Abel's girlfriend and she loved Abel. But then Abel lost his manhood when he tried to resurrect her so the score was even . . . until he died and gave Scar his arm, which basically saved his life.

"Damn it, I never win," Scar scolded himself. Then he realized he was kneeling right next to Lust and he did not even care how or when the hell that happened. What confused him was how bad he felt for her even though he already convinced himself that this was not the same person.

Scar noticed something odd about the bullet hole. It almost looked healed, so he moved Lust's bangs away from her face to make sure. The bullet plopped out and Lust's eyes fluttered open. Scar raised an eyebrow. "Whoa, you're really weird," he commented.

Lust ignored the comment. She sat up, as if in a trance. "I remember now . . ." she started. "That song you sang earlier is from Aladdin."

"Is this conversation gonna go anywhere?" Scar interrupted.

Lust continued: "And he wears a ridiculous little hat." She looked at Scar and smiled. "Do you know what it's called?"

Scar's mouth was hanging open for a while, not knowing what to say. "Um, I don't even know what the hell–"

"Fez!" Lust cheered happily. Scar looked bewildered, almost terrified. "That's the hat's name! That's your name, Fez!" Lust had a lot of fun repeating that name. "Fez! And I remember I used to call you Fezzy and it embarrassed you. And–" Lust gasped and her smile turned seductive. "Remember your promise?"

Scar, er, Fez was trapped. Yes, he did remember the promise. And going against his word would make him a horrible person, so he sighed in defeat. "Okay, fine–"

Lust raised a finger. "And you promised a really good one; long, romantic, and with tongue!"

"When did I–" Fez's protest was cut short by Lust pulling him face-to-face with her and taking advantage of his opened mouth. And it was a very proud day for Lust since she got him into it after about a minute of struggling to keep him level with her. Townspeople cautiously crept out of their homes and when all they saw were two foreigners making out on the ground, they could do nothing but applaud.

In the meantime, Frank and Zolf were running down the practically empty streets. Then Zolf started to wonder what was going on. He stopped and asked, "Where the hell are we going?"

"Headquarters; where else?" Frank replied as he stopped as well. Zolf gave him a suspicious look. "What?"

"Oh, I dunno," Zolf replied indifferently. "I think I should be concerned that you're probably going to turn me in and I'll end up dead, whereas I can kill you now and resume my life as a happy freeloader." Zolf pretended to think. ". . . Yeah, I like the second option better. But just by a little."

"No, you're mistaken," Frank explained. "The Fuhrer knows you're alive which is why he wants you back in the military."

"And then what?"

"Um. . ." Frank shrugged. The Fuhrer did not mention what would happen to Zolf, but he knew this: "I get a promotion!"

"Oh goody, that changes everything."

Frank lowered his eyelids. "You don't believe me, do you?" The answer was obvious. "But hey, you've got nothing to lose. If this turns out to be a trap, go ahead and kill whoever you want."

Zolf considered this carefully: I'm around too many ugly people at Devil's Nest, therefore I should reenlist into the military. "Okay, I know what I'm gonna do!" He started running the opposite way they were going.

"So what is it?" Frank called out. He would have chased after Zolf, but that would mean more time out in the sun.

"I'll be back; I just need to get some stuff." And so Frank had no choice but to trust Zolf, the guy who killed his own people in a massacre and forced innocent townspeople to sing for him. But all he could really think about was how soon he would get that promotion.

Now we must check on the people at Central. Al was keeping an eye on Benjamin as he explored the Hughes' back yard. Sloth was sitting in the living room, reading a magazine on tips about motherhood. Winry and Envy were in the kitchen, wearing frilly pink aprons, in an intense food competition. And Ed was on a guest bed with his hands and feet tied to each corner so it was impossible for him to scratch. Nope, nothing out of the ordinary.

Ed struggled to free himself in vain. The rope was too tight; he could not perform alchemy. He wailed, "My real mom would never do something like this! It's cruel and unusual and–" He sobbed a little. "I have an itch!"

"Shut up, my little sunshine," Sloth answered in a sweet voice just loud enough for Ed to hear. She turned the page in her magazine. Al entered the house holding the ugly duckling in one hand. Sloth turned to them when they entered the living room. "Al, you can't have that thing in the house."

"But – but it's Benjamin, Mom!"

"I wouldn't care if you named it King Bradley. Animals belong outside, especially um, whatever that thing is."

"He's a duckling!"

Sloth tilted her head. "Okay . . . Well, I'm letting you keep it as long as it stays outside."

Al whined. "But Mom . . ."

Sloth sternly stated, "Listen, that animal's crawling with germs and we can't have that around Ed right now."

Al gasped, finally realizing Sloth's intentions. "Aw, you really do care!"

Sloth's face softened. "Of course I do."

Ed yelled from the guest room, "Then why the hell did you tie me down to the bed! I'm starving and my bladder's gonna explode!"

"Al, go put that duck back outside and escort your brother to the bathroom," Sloth ordered. "I give you permission to hit him if he scratches. I'll see if the food's ready." And so they left the living room, Al for the back yard and Sloth for the kitchen.

Envy and Winry's constant arguing could be heard the entire time, but they were being ignored. "Have you two gotten anything done?" Sloth snapped at them. The other two were quick to shut up.

Envy replied first: "Yeah, I've been done, but this stupid girl won't stop complaining about it!"

"I'm just saying, Ed's not gonna eat that!" Winry argued. "You don't know him like I do!" She presented her breakfast to the homunculi: four perfectly stacked pancakes, butter and syrup flowing exquisitely down the sides as it gave off its warmth and scent. "Ha! Your food looks like crap compared to mine!"

"What did you make, Envy?" Sloth asked. Envy pointed to the bowl on the table. It looked like plain old oatmeal lightly coated with cinnamon.

"But you'll see," Envy said angrily to Winry, "he'll like my breakfast a thousand times better!" Winry mocked a laugh.

Sloth decided to end this. "Well, let's see what happens when I give Ed both things at the same time." She placed the plate of pancakes and the bowl of oatmeal on a food tray with utensils and left to the guest room. Envy and Winry automatically followed.

Ed was sitting comfortably on the bed as he and Al quietly talked about one thing or another. Sloth and the others walked in at the exact moment Ed started scratching his back. "Ahem," Sloth said, staring at Al.

"Oh! Sorry, Brother," Al apologized before he whacked poor Ed upside the head.

"What's the big deal about scratching anyway?" Ed whined.

"If you scratch," Sloth explained, "you'll open up the blisters, causing infections, and it won't be pretty." She placed the food tray on Ed's lap. "Eat up."

Ed went for the pancakes first since they looked so pretty. Winry gave Envy a conceited look. Ed got the fork, ripped off a piece of a pancake and stuck it in his mouth. He frowned and rubbed his throat. "I'm not scratching," he pointed out to Sloth.

Envy smiled and Winry looked worried. "What . . . what's wrong?" she asked, then shot a suspicious look at Envy.

"It's too hot," Ed replied.

"Too hot?" Winry flinched, offended. "What are you, Goldilocks?" Envy laughed like a maniac.

Ed could not see why Winry was pissed and why Envy was in a pink apron. Hmm, Winry too. But Sloth was to one that handed him the food, so she must have been the one who made it. Ed shrugged, abandoned the pancakes, and went on to the oatmeal. And it was the softest and most soothing thing he ever ate in his life. While the heat of the pancakes brutally attacked the chicken pox in his mouth, the nice cool oatmeal nursed them. Ed devoured the heavenly meal in pure delight.

Envy pointed and laughed at Winry some more. "Ha! I win!"

"But – but this isn't right!" Winry whined. "It's the chicken pox! They're affecting Ed's sense of taste somehow!"

"Duh," Envy and Sloth replied. Then Sloth went on explaining, "Eating hot meals is quite uncomfortable when you have chicken pox in your mouth." Then she gasped. "Were you trying to harm my son?" she shrieked at Winry.

"Wait, wait, what's going on?" Ed asked.

"Don't talk with your mouth full."

"Why are all you guys against me?" Winry yelled. Everyone stared blankly at her.

"I'm not against you," Al said. "Wait, what did you do?"

"I think you took that little competition too seriously," Envy said.

"I was just trying to help . . ." Winry started, looking timid and innocent. "But I guess I'm not needed here." No one replied. Winry glared at the Elric brothers. "So does that mean you two are agreeing?"

Ed and Al frantically shook their heads. "I know how you can help!" Ed replied. "I'm supposed to get Denny and Maria together, but–"

"You're not going outside until you're better," Sloth interrupted.

Envy groaned. "Oh, this crap again. Is this even allowed?"

"What?" Winry asked. "Tell me!"

And so Envy and the Elrics explained how supposedly crucial it was to get Denny and Maria together since it was one of Roy's brilliant and well thought-out orders. Another hapless operation was just around the corner.


Jean Havoc – 2 days, 3 hours, 30 minutes

Aztec Goddess: Whoops. Havoc wasn't even here . . .