Fairfield

I lay in bed unable to sleep, it's three o'clock in the morning, my mind won't settle enough for me to sleep tonight that is for sure. I get up to check on the kids. All four of them that are here. If there is one thing that can ease my mind it's the children. I take a peak in Jules's crib, she's out for the count, innocent and adorable, I run my index finger on the inside of her palm which she readily grasps at in her sleep. I did put her down before dinner with everyone, her teething taking every ounce of energy out of her, on top of making her miserable and drowsy. I give her a quick kiss on her forehead, removing my finger from her tightly fisted little hand, before closing the door to check on the other three. From the doorway, I stand overlooking Jace, Theo, and Thea. Today they all demand to sleep in the same bed. Thank god, I have enough space here for them to have a room with single beds for them and a spare room done up for them that has a huge bed that they can all sleep on. I can't bring myself to say no, to them wanting to share the bed for sleep time. After the way they born and the link they have with each other after that trauma, I can't yet make myself to be stern enough to refuse this one little demand. Most times they enjoy their independence at bedtime. But there are days when they require one of their siblings or both for comfort, when they're miserable, feel insecure and out their comfort zone lookinf for somethings familiar to ease their little minds.

Looking at them, I can see their father in them at times. They have a few of his quirks and then there is the sole wise, gentle, soft green eye that they're all blessed with. It felt like the gods poking fun at me when I saw their eyes. Having two different colour eyes only distinguishes their eye color even more so. It's cruel in that it always makes sure that I remember Jack, when I look at them. Because that eye color contrast demands that you take notice and for me that hurts more than anything. I will never go a day in my life, without seeing those eyes for the foreseeable future but for me it a daily reminder of what I lost.

Sometimes I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse for me. Because I've tried to move on with my life but these kids are the very embodiment of him. Something I can't escape, a ghost haunting me everyday of my life. They'll never be Bartlett's, that's something I've accepted a long time ago. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant, I could hardly believe it when my doctor told me. I almost threw up on the doctor, luckily he saw it was coming and moved out of the way in time.

I remember the flight back to Canada from France. I was miserable, my mind not only in shock but my body chaotic with the needs of the babies growing inside of me. I remember I tried to rehearse what I would tell Jack when I saw him. If I dressed clever enough you would barley notice the bump. You'd think I put on a good few pounds from a good vacation. But I couldn't get my mind or body to settle at all and finally gave up and let my body rest through the entire flight, with sleep that my body badly required. I didn't want to drive, so I got a car take me back to Fairfield. I didn't know how Jack would take the news. It was my responsibility after all to make sure that I was protected at all times. The only prevention against pregnancy is not having any intercourse at all, the doctor repeated to me after I told him it was not possible since I had not skipped a day of taking my contraceptive medication in almost ten years.

Upon my return to Fairfield, I didn't feel well enough to drive and asked Harry to drive me over to Heartland because I needed to talk to Jack about something important.


Flashback of my conversation with Harry

"Lisa, do you know what's happened at Heartland?," he asks me in confusion.

"What? Did Jack have another heart attack?" I ask in trepidation.

"No, he didn't Lisa. I talking about something else that happened there."

"No, I don't know Harry. I've been in France, so that would be rather difficult to stay in loop especially since Jack and I are no longer together."

"Lisa let's go inside the house and sit down. Then I'll tell you okay," Harry says vaguely.

"Tell me what Harry. I don't need to go inside, I need to go to Heartland NOW." I tell him in frustration.

"No, Lisa you can't," he resolutley states.

"Why the hell NOT Harry?" I almost scream at him.

"Lisa please let's go inside," Harry pleads with me for some unknown reason.

I stand my ground waiting for Harry to answer my question of why I can't go to Heartland.

"Lisa I promise I'll take you to Heartland if you still want to go after you've heard me out, inside the house," Harry says reasonably which irritates me to no end.

We enter the house and Harry makes sure I sit down before having any conversation with me.

"I'm sitting Harry. Please tell me, what you need to, so you can take me to Heartland," I state, to Harry in a hurry distracted by what I'm going to tell Jack.

"Harry I'm waiting. I don't have time for this," I tell him in annoyance.

"Jack's wife Lyndy is back Lisa."

"What? I don't have time for jokes Harry. And it is not funny at all making jokes about Jack's late wife. In fact, it's very distasteful," I let him know with disappointment in my voice.

"Lisa this isn't a joke. Lyndy Bartlet is alive and at Heartland with her family."

"Don't be absurd Harry. Lyndy was cremated and Jack spread her ashes at a place that was very dear to both of them." I tell him.

"Lisa, you not listening. I've seen Lyndy Bartlett with her family with my own eyes. She is very much alive. If you ask anybody around here they would tell you the same thing."

"No, Harry you must be mistaken," I say shell-shocked.

"Lisa I promise you on Maire's life that this true. Lyndy Bartlett is alive and well and here in Hudson living with her family," Harry tells me.

I'm shocked, I don't know what to believe, "I won't believe it until I see it for myself, Harry."

"Lisa that isn't a good idea."

"It's the only way it will be real for me," I tell him in a daze which has now settled on me.

"Fine. There is an outdoor harvest festival that is happening right at this moment which they will probably be at. We'll go to it and you can see for yourself," Harry says with more than a hint of anxiety in his voice.

Neither one of us utters a word while driving to the festival. My mind frozen the only thing running through my head is Lyndy Bartlett is back from the dead. Back with Jack a man who loved her and made a family with her that he loves more than anything in this world.

Lucky for us that it is an outdoor festival at an open field. It allows Harry to park the truck behind someones else's while affording us a view of the entire festival going on ahead. Families had took their spots and put up their shade covers after picking their picnic spots. Harry and I both stay in the car trying to locate the Bartlett's. We sit in eery silence for over ten minutes before I catch a sight of Amy. She's with Ty and they move towards someone. I can't see as my view is blocked by a family walking pass them obscuring my view. But like the first rays of the rising sun, a clear path emerges to where the Bartlett's picnic spot is. I see Amy, Ty, Tim, Georgie, Lou, Peter my goddaughter Katie and finally my eyes come to rest on Jack. I feast my eyes on him. I can't decipher his countenance its something I've never seen from him which unsettles me. And out of the blue I see her, Lyndy Bartlett, whispering something into his ear, an intimate gesture between a man and his wife. I turn my head away in anguish before turning my head back again to watch a family scene play out infront of me with the Amy and Lou laughing about something with Lyndy. I see Jack take Katie out of Lyndy's arms and swing her around. I can't take anymore and close my eyes willing the tears to stop. "We can go, Harry. I've seen enough," I tell Harry in defeat.

"I'm sorry Lisa. I know how you feel about Jack," Harry squeezes my hand trying to comfort me.

"Please take me straight to the airport Harry. I need to as far away from here as possible," I get out with some semblance of control.

Harry drives me to the airport. The entire trip in silence as Harry knows me well enough to let me be. Jack has a family, he always had a family but now he has his beloved wife Lyndy back, making it more complete. How can I tell Jack about the pregnancy? How can I disrupt his life and all of their lives now after they've been granted a miracle? Maybe this is a sign that this pregnancy is not meant to be any more than Jack and I are meant to be.


I look at Thea, Theo and Jace and can't believe that I contemplated not having them. I can't see my life without them. If it weren't for them I don't think I'd have made it this far. I was reeling without Jack as my anchor and after having it snatched away those children inside me became the lighthouse guiding me back to shore. Jack can never know about them. I will never allow my irresponsibility and my decision to have them disrupt Jack's life. He has a family and my children and I will never be part of that family but I will try my best to give them as much as I have in me to give but I can't give them their father. That was never meant to be. Just as Jack and I were never meant to be.

I know I have robbed them of a wonderful man but Jack is not mine, in fact, he was never mine to begin with. I was always an aberration in his life, I could not make my children outcasts of the Bartlett family. I know Jack loves children but I don't think he would have welcomed children with me. After all he chose to adopt Gerogie, without my knowledge. It was obvious that I wasn't worthy enough for him to consider me as a partner in that decision making process. It also underscored that he didn't want children with me that I was somehow unworthy to be trusted with something so precious. It underlined exactly where I stood in his life.

As much as I would like for them know their father, I will not burden him with my irresponsibility of getting pregnant and my decision to keep them. He has his family and I have my own version of a family. Not one comparable to the Bartlett's but nonetheless a family which I love.


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