((Author's Notes: I would like to take just a second to plug my previous multi-chapter fic, On My Honor. I was just doing some touch-ups on it last night and refreshing my memory since that story contains a lot of the background for this one. If you don't want to go back and read all of the much longer Irony of Fate and its two sequels, I recommend you at least give that one a look. It is Turks-centered but from Chapter 4 onward there is important stuff relating to Vincent/Lucrecia and Aeris/Seph. Okay, end plug and onto the chapter!))
Chapter Eleven: Heartache
As soon as Lucrecia slid into the booth toward the rear of the Bulldog Tavern, Aeris knew that Sephiroth's concerns about she and Vincent had not been unfounded. The older woman looked exhausted, and though she forced a small smile it didn't reach her eyes. Aeris could almost feel the misery radiating from her mother-in-law, watching wordlessly as she folded her hands on the tabletop and fidgeted in her seat. Aeris was glad she had chosen a spot in the rear corner of the establishment and made their lunch date for a time after most of its regular patrons had already finished their meals. She'd had a feeling they were going to need privacy…
Lucrecia didn't even offer a greeting, beginning to wring her hands on the tabletop. The mannerism was so eerily similar to one of Sephiroth's nervous habits that she watched in fascination for several moments before finally breaking the silence.
"Is everything all right, Lucrecia?" she asked gently, reaching across the table to lightly touch her forearm when at first she didn't respond. That was all it took for the tears to begin spilling down the other woman's cheeks, and Aeris cringed inwardly. It was even worse than she'd feared if that was any indication.
"No, it isn't," Lucrecia managed to say, hastily removing her glasses and wiping at her eyes as a waitress approached their booth and sat two menus down on the edge of the table.
Aeris blinked in surprise when she glanced up and took a good look at her, noting that her hair, clothing, and all of her make-up were completely black in color. Aeris didn't understand why some people preferred to present such a frightening appearance, and black was definitely not her preferred color. At least Sephiroth sometimes wore gray or dark blue these days…
"Welcome to the Bulldog Tavern! Can I get you ladies something to drink?" The waitress asked in a surprisingly cheerful voice, speaking almost too quickly to be understood and punctuating the question with a broad grin that looked very out of place.
Aeris and Lucrecia both decided on large glasses of the house special iced tea, and the young waitress hurried down the isle and behind the bar to fill the order. She must have been a recent hire, as Aeris had never noticed her before. She'd have to ask Tifa later.
Lucrecia watched the woman go and sighed, shaking her head sadly. "It's Vincent," she nearly whispered, another tear escaping and running down her cheek. "I… I just don't know what to do…"
"Do you want to talk about it?" Aeris asked, wanting to be sure she wasn't forcing her to share her problems if she wasn't comfortable. She had gotten to know Lucrecia fairly well over the past few months, but she wouldn't consider them to be close friends just yet. Much like her son, Lucrecia was rather shy and reserved, making it difficult for her to open up and talk about herself. She was also so embarrassed and ashamed of her past that she seemed to fear alienating others by discussing it. It was yet another thing she shared with Sephiroth despite the fact that they'd only recently been reunited. In a way, it made Aeris feel as if she already knew her quite well.
"I… I think I need to," Lucrecia said after a brief pause. She sounded reluctant, as if it were the last thing she really wanted to do, but there was a desperation in her eyes that practically cried out for help. "Vincent certainly won't talk to me… We haven't spoken to each other in almost two days now."
"What? Really?" Aeris' eyes widened as she tried and failed to contain her reaction, because inside she was horrified. Vincent and Lucrecia had always seemed inseparable and so codependent that the thought of them not even speaking to each other for any length of time was extremely worrisome. She could not begin to imagine going that long without talking to Sephiroth, even if her husband did often lapse into long periods of antisocial silence.
Lucrecia nodded miserably, wiping away a tear just as another fell from her eye. She was about to continue when the waitress returned with their drinks, energetically placing them on the table along with a neatly folded napkin and utensils for each.
"Here we go, two large iced teas! Are you ready to order?"
"Um…" Aeris paused, glancing across the table at Lucrecia. The other woman shook her head, silently staring down into her drink. "Not yet. We're just going to enjoy our teas and chat for a while if that's okay?" She suddenly didn't have much of an appetite, either.
"Okay! Just let me know if you decide you want to order anything else or need a refill!" the waitress cheerfully agreed, practically jogging back behind the bar and busily getting to work serving drinks to other customers. Aeris shook her head in mild amusement before turning back to her companion.
"Hopefully she'll take a hint and leave us be for a while," she said, forcing a brief laugh. It did nothing to lighten the mood. "Now, what's been going on between you two?"
"We… Well, we had a fight, the day before yesterday. And ever since he hasn't even left our bed. It's like he's hibernating, or gone into some kind of a coma or something. I've been sleeping on the couch and haven't known what to do…"
"Oh no…" Aeris breathed, subconsciously leaning forward a bit as she listened. Something very bad was happening between the couple, and her heightened powers of empathy allowed her to feel it intensely. "What was the argument about, if you don't mind telling me?"
"It's… complicated," Lucrecia said slowly, pausing to sip her drink after adding a few packets of sugar. "I guess it's been building up to this for a while, and I'm not sure where to start…"
"Start wherever you think the problem began," Aeris advised her, in no hurry and wanting to do all she could to help Sephiroth's parents resolve their difficulties. They had been through so much that if anyone deserved to finally be happy, it was them. She had to admit, however, that her concern was more for Vincent than Lucrecia, still a bit conflicted about her past actions and how they'd affected the lives of her son and lover.
"Well… He's been acting strangely. Not at all like himself... I mean, at first it wasn't all the time, but… I really started to notice it over the last couple weeks, and it's been making our time together more and more awkward."
"How is he acting, exactly?"
"He seems… distracted. Distant. And so tired. Ever since I moved in with him, we've sometimes had a bit of a hard time filling the silence when we're alone together, but it's been getting worse. It's like we don't know what to say to each other after so long... Like we know each other so well, but at the same time we just… don't any more."
Aeris nodded, listening closely. "It must be so strange. The last time you two were together, he was…" she paused, wanting to choose her words carefully, but the knowing look on her companion's face made her cringe.
"Normal? It's okay, you can say it," Lucrecia said quietly, lifting her head for just a moment to meet Aeris' eyes. They were the mirror image of her son's without the unnatural glow of Mako energy, and she was once again struck by just how much he resembled each of his parents.
Aeris blushed a bit, smiling a bit guiltily. "I'm sorry. I just meant… He looked a bit different, and hadn't yet been through your death and… what Hojo did to him."
"I know…" Lucrecia said, neither looking nor sounding offended much to Aeris' relief. "He worries so much about his appearance no matter how many times I tell him I still find him just as attractive and that none of it bothers me. It ought to be obvious to him by now with as much as- er… Well…"
Now Lucrecia was blushing, and Aeris couldn't help but giggle. That was one detail of their discussion she would most definitely not be sharing with Sephiroth.
"But honestly," she quickly continued, "It took me all of a day to get used to his appearance, and that was the end of it for me. It's… the changes in his personality that have been harder to adjust to."
"I don't have anything from… before… to compare him to," Aeris said, absently stirring her untouched drink with her straw. "All I can say is that he'd started to get a bit more outgoing since we, er, woke him up… And then I saw a huge change in him once you arrived."
"Really? Sometimes I don't feel like I've done him any favors by coming here…"
"What? No, no, you really have no idea!" Aeris exclaimed, perhaps too quickly. Lucrecia suddenly looked even more worried, and she sighed quietly to herself. Now didn't seem like the best of times to explain just how depressed and lifeless Vincent had been following her death. "He was really lost without you," she settled on, knowing it was the truth without being too painful to hear.
"If that's the case, then why can he hardly talk to me half the time, and why does he seem so tense? And why is he disappearing in the middle of the night and refusing to tell me where he's been when he finally shows up the next day?" Lucrecia asked, a hint of anger and bitterness slipping into her voice.
"Uh-oh," was Aeris' immediate reply, and she didn't realize she'd said it out loud until Lucrecia began to stare at her expectantly. Crap…
"What?" the older woman asked, tilting her head curiously. "Do… do you know what he's been up to…?"
"Um… Let me ask you this first," she said, stalling a bit for time and feeling a blush creep into her cheeks. Me and my big mouth… "What do you think he's been up to?"
Lucrecia frowned, removing the straw from her drink and beginning to fold it into tiny segments between her hands. "I… had no idea at first, but then… I wondered if it was something secret for work. But that didn't make much sense, especially after the second time, and he used to tell me even some highly classified information when he was a Turk so I'd always know where he was." Aeris raised an eyebrow at that before Lucrecia continued. "Then, I… I'm so embarrassed to admit it, but I started to think he might be seeing someone else."
Aeris actually laughed out loud at that, regretting it a bit when she saw the brief look of hurt that crossed Lucrecia's face. But a moment later, she began to chuckle as well, shaking her head with mild amusement. "Yeah, I know… About as likely as a blizzard in Costa Del Sol, right?"
"I'm glad you realize that! I've never met a more devoted man in my life… Not even Seph can come close to his level of obse- dedication."
"I can't believe I even asked him about it… He looked so hurt." Another tear trailed down her cheek, and she heaved a heavy sigh. "The discussion just got uglier from there… And he's been unconscious ever since. I knew his body worked… differently now, but this is so strange and fascinating. I've never seen anyone be so still for so long without needing to get up for any reason." For just a moment, Lucrecia was a wide-eyed scientist faced with an interesting puzzle instead of a worried lover, but she quickly caught herself and cleared her throat. "But… Well, I've had a lot of time to think because of it, and I'm pretty sure I have a good idea what's going on now. To be honest, I feel really stupid for not figuring it out right away."
"What did you come up with?" Aeris asked her, feeling a bit like a teacher trying to urge a difficult answer out of a struggling pupil. The suspense was beginning to kill her. She dearly hoped Lucrecia knew what was happening to Vincent, because if she remained so blissfully unaware of his struggles after all this time they had a huge mountain to climb.
"I think it's got something to do with… Chaos," Lucrecia said to her relief, though she spoke the demon's name with obvious discomfort.
Aeris felt a smile tug at the corners of her mouth, resisting an urge to reach out and pat Lucrecia on the top of her head. Why was it that the smartest people could often be the most dense when it came to things that should have been obvious. Even Sephiroth, at times, missed hints and social cues that would have smacked almost anyone else right in the face. At least now she knew where he'd inherited that as well.
"So you agree, then," Lucrecia said with a snort of frustration at herself, though she did manage to return the slight smile. "And you also think I should have figured that out ages ago…"
"I've spent a lot more time around him, since… then," Aeris said, trying to soften the blow. "So I've learned to recognize the signs pretty well. We all lived in pretty close quarters for a few months last year. There was more than one time where we woke up the next morning to find him gone, but he always made his way back to us."
"Did he… tell you where he was when that happened?"
"Not always. Sometimes he would admit he'd transformed, but other times he was vague or would refuse to say anything at all. And since he doesn't remember where he went or what he did… There likely wasn't all that much to tell."
"Ah, right, he did mention that detail. I'd forgotten… We almost never talk about it. He briefly spoke to me about Chaos when I first arrived, and every now and then he might mention something about it, but… I still feel like I know so little, and understand even less."
"Have you told him that?"
"Not… in so many words," Lucrecia admitted, looking down in shame. "I've tried to make it clear to him that I love him no matter what and am always here for him when he needs me, but… I don't know how to ask him to tell me more about what he experiences without him thinking I see him as nothing but an interesting specimen or something. I know my curiosity as a scientist is a small part of it, but I really just want to learn so I can understand him better, and maybe even help him deal with it. He just seems so unhappy sometimes… And now everything is falling apart."
"Lucrecia… I totally understand why you've both been avoiding it, but you two have got to talk about this," Aeris said a bit forcefully, wanting to be sure she understood just how important it was. "Something is really bothering Vincent as of late. I've seen it. Seph's seen it. You've seen it, too, and it's only getting worse. I hate to say it, but… I'm afraid things are only going to get much harder unless he absolutely realizes that he can tell you everything about Chaos and what it's done to his body and mind… He needs someone he can confide in without worrying about what they'll think about him. But right now, he's just too frightened. He is so afraid he's going to lose you if you knew how much it affects him that he is driving himself mad trying to hide it from you!"
"But… He hasn't hidden it, Aeris. He told me about it right away and-"
"No, please listen to me," Aeris interrupted, feeling a bit guilty for being so hard on her mother-in-law, but knowing it might be the only way to reach her and help both she and Vincent. She had to impress upon her just how serious the situation was becoming before it was too late. "How many times have you seen him transform, or at least begin to, in the last few months? Twice? Three times?"
"Er… Well, none," Lucrecia answered, much as she'd expected and feared. "I mean, the other day I cut my finger and he looked strange for a moment when it started to bleed. But he-"
"That isn't normal for him, Lucrecia! When Avalanche was traveling, he was having episodes once every few days. Can't you see, ever since you came back he's been doing his damndest to control himself and hide any symptoms from you, and he did a really good job of it. Too good of one. Then the Turks got here, and his stress level finally went through the roof. He's been bottling it all up until he finally exploded, and from what you and Sephiroth have told me he's having a very hard time getting back in control now that he has. I heard from Cloud that he almost attacked him the other morning at their meeting. Lucrecia… You have got to do something to reach him before something horrible happens."
Lucrecia could only stare at her, speechless, her knuckles white as she clutched her glass between both hands. Slowly, a look of recognition and horror filled her eyes, and her lower lip trembled as she began to cry.
"Oh, shit," she swore quietly, holding one hand to her forehead. "Why would he do that to himself? I tell him over and over that I love him, that I will never leave him, that I don't care if he's changed… Why doesn't he listen? Why does he still think I'd leave if…?"
"I'll be very honest here," Aeris said, lowering her voice a bit and reaching out to grasp one of Lucrecia's hands. "Watching him transform is a really horrible, terrifying thing to witness. It makes sense that he wouldn't want you to see it if there was anything he could do to prevent it. It's also extremely painful for him, and he fights so hard not to lose control. But sometimes it's as if it… builds up inside of him, and he just has to. In between, though, he's usually very capable of controlling himself unless someone or something really pushes him. Chaos has never hurt any of us, even when Vincent transformed right in the middle of a battle. In fact, he actually helped us a few times. I think Vincent may actually still have some influence over it, whether he realizes it or not… Despite everything you've told him, I think he needs some kind of reassurance, some kind of proof… that you can go through it with him and still choose to remain at his side."
Lucrecia hung on her every word, her green eyes wide. Aeris could tell this was information Vincent had never shared with her, and knew he would likely be horrified if he knew how she was enlightening his lover. But he was being stubborn and foolish because of his fear, and someone needed to better inform her before their relationship, and perhaps his sanity, was harmed beyond repair.
"What do you think I should do?" Lucrecia nearly whispered. The irony of her husband's mother asking her for relationship advice was not lost on Aeris. Her family was definitely not of the traditional variety.
"Go home, wake him up, and talk to him," Aeris said without hesitation, hoping she was advising her to do the right thing. "It may be difficult to wake him, but don't let him just lay there or he may do it for a very long time. Don't forget that we found him in the same state last year, and he'd been that way since shortly after your death. He doesn't know how to handle all the fear and shame he carries around, so he's doing exactly what he did before when everything was too much for him to deal with by himself. Make him snap out of it and listen to you. Tell him that he does not have to be ashamed of who he is, and that you don't expect him to keep hiding every sign of Chaos from you. Let him know you can handle it and he doesn't need to work so hard to protect you, and that you want to understand everything he experiences. And tell him… Yes, again… how much you love him. Trust me, I can tell Seph the same thing fifty times a day and he still worries about it. Be prepared to do most of, or even all of, the talking, at least at first. If there's one thing I learned with Sephiroth, it's that the harder I try to force him to open up and talk, the more he feels threatened and shuts down. He is so much like Vincent that I bet the same is true for him as well."
Lucrecia was nodding, smiling faintly. "I just get so frustrated with him sometimes, it's hard to remember that."
"Trust me, if anyone knows what it's like to talk to a brick wall, it's me," Aeris giggled. "But unfortunately for us, we were attracted to the strong silent type. You just can't give up on him, because right now he needs you probably more than he ever has."
"Do you think it'll really help… if I just go wake him up and talk to him?" Lucrecia sounded so worried and unsure of herself that Aeris wished she could hug her. Instead, she smiled and patted her hand, nodding as confidently as she could manage.
"I think just knowing that you're not mad at him, and that you already know what's been going on, will make it much easier for him to get up and try to deal with this. Hopefully he'll get comfortable enough to talk to you about it once he realizes everything is all right between you. But you may need to give him a little time… He's not feeling strong enough right now, and the only way he knows how to react is to either avoid the problem or shut down completely. Seph does the same thing, though he isn't able to just pass out like that for days on end. But he always seems to do his best to push me away when he needs me the most."
Lucrecia rose from her seat on unsteady legs, forcing a look of determination onto her tearstained face despite the fresh ones that had already begun to fall. "Then I'm going to go home and show him he can't chase me away so easily!"
Aeris watched her go, removing the gil for their drinks from her pocket and placing it on the tabletop along with a generous tip. She could only hope that her advice was sound, and that Lucrecia would be able to draw Vincent out of his nightmare.
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He hovered in a place between life and death, between blissful unconsciousness and endless nightmares. Though he hadn't moved a muscle in the days since he retired into isolation, Vincent's mind continued to race no matter how hard he tried to escape.
Lucrecia had returned to his life, and still he'd managed to create misery. They should have been so happy. She should never have had to worry about anything ever again. But even after so long and so much suffering, he remained too weak to give her what she deserved. He was a monster, a horrific being who could not even control himself and keep from destroying that which he loved most. He was sinful and vile, and even though he'd tried so hard to hide it from her, he knew she now realized just how pathetic he really was.
He was a failure. He was dangerous. When he'd remained in his coffin for so many years before, Chaos seemed to sleep along with him, present only as a dark shadow across his tortured thoughts. Perhaps if he returned to his long slumber the demon would rest as well. It was the best option for everyone, he convinced himself, unable to find the strength to get up and continue to fight when he knew there was no chance of victory. While asleep he would no longer be able to hurt Lucrecia, and neither could the demon within. She was already so angry with him that he was certain she could easily move on with her life once she realized he was not going to wake up. He'd been a fool to think he could actually live a normal life with her, no matter how much he loved her. It simply wasn't possible for one carrying his past sins… For Vincent Valentine, it was far too late for redemption.
He allowed his thoughts to fade into oblivion, wanting nothing more than to vanish from existence. He was far too afraid of what would happen should he actually experience losing Lucrecia a second time while Chaos waited to feed on his anguish, choosing instead to hide himself away and hope that the world would soon forget he ever lived.
((Author's Notes: A longer than usual chapter for this fic, and you know, it was rather challenging to write, too. I think it's because writing (hopefully) realistic dialog is always something of a challenge, and takes a lot of effort and editing to get just right. I'm reasonably sure I hit the mark, it just took a lot of pondering and adjusting. The subject matter of the conversation was also rather delicate and a lot of information to cover, and because it all happened sitting in a booth there weren't a ton of other things I could add aside from their words. Oh! The waitress was a response to author Bexteron's challenge within our fanfiction group to write your muse into a story. Mine is named "Manic" and is extremely bipolar. So I thought a hyperactive goth chic was fitting, lol. Now that we all feel really bad for Vincent (and maybe even Lucrecia a little, too, you haters? Hee.), it's time to see what happens when his lover tries to wake him from his latest hibernation trick. Vincent, knock it off, you are not a bear! Will their chat draw him back and solve all his problems? Hmmm, maybe. But as I've said this fic still has a ways to go, maybe not. Thanks again for all the lovely reviews and favs, gang! Getting pretty close to that 100th. If you need a laugh while awaiting the next chapter, you may want to check out my other ongoing multi-chapter fic, Dark Nation Goes To the Vet. Reno, an assignment / punishment, and a very unhappy Guard Hound. What could go wrong?! Til next time ~ JenesisX ))
