Chapter Twelve: Biggie's Reward and Hermione's Solace
They arrived at the lake of Hogwarts not a split second later. As Ariel was throwing up into the grass, Snape rubbed her back and said, "The Dark Lord likes you."
"Great…" She moaned as she was done retching.
Snape smiled and helped her to her feet. They walked the rest of the way, him holding her up because she was still weak.
"I don't understand the first time I was fine!" She whined, upset at her dead smelling breath.
"You were also drunk." He explained. "That makes that fun!"
Ariel groaned. "Today sucked." She looked up at him, fearfully. "Are we good?"
"If you mean if I'm mad? I felt just as horribly as you did."
Ariel gave a lopsided smile. "I love you."
He kissed her on the lips. "I love you too."
The walk was a pleasant, it was a beautiful day, which was good for Ariel who was still wet as can be. They entered the two enormous doors that opened Hogwarts back to them and walked through the halls trying to get to Dumbledore's Office.
Whatever time it was it was now time for everyone to gawk at Potion's Master and his sopping wet female. It was not students either, teachers who had time off to nearly have a heart attack at what they saw, ghosts, the paintings, even Biggie Smalls who now roamed the halls under the lie that he a transfer student from America ("Wow obesity really is an epidemic in the States.")
"Good for you…" He said, nodding in approval. "Good for you…"
As they journeyed to Dumbledore's, Harry and Ron got a chance to pass them by.
"Ha! Pay up!" Ron demanded to his friend, holding out his hand for payment.
Harry growled underneath his breath as he reached into his pocket for money. "You don't know that's a mail order bride!"
"Well it's NOT a hooker I can tell you that much. Witch wenches are so expensive." Ron replied.
Ariel was within earshot of this little conversation so she let go of her lover's hand just for a moment and walked back to the two.
"I heard you guys are gambling." She said, giving them a smile.
Both of them stammered out, apologetically.
"We're s-s-so sorry lady. We're not making fun of your profession!" Harry got out finally.
Having this be the second time today someone called her a hooker she took it pretty well. "What was the bet? I'm just curious." (Seeing both of them, look over to watch Snape fearfully) "He won't hear about it. I'm not sadistic like that. I'm just nosy."
The pair looked at each other, uncertain. Finally Ron answered, in a low whisper, "Since Snape's going nuts we figured it was because his blue balls were finally getting too big for him."
"No pun intended." Harry quickly added.
Ariel didn't ask what it meant that he was going crazy. She could only imagine what her disappearing act had done to him.
"Hm, would you believe me if I told you I was in fact in one of those stupid, head-over-heel-gaymances with your Professor?" Ariel asked.
Harry and Ron looked at each other in bewilderment before turning to her.
"What's his middle name?" (Harry) "Tobias." "What is the one thing he'd get rid of if he could?" (Harry) (Ariel just looked at him) "Favorite time of the year?" (Ron) "Winter because he can hibernate but summer because of all the shitty food that comes out." "What's his favorite shitty food then?" (Harry) "Sea salt caramel dragon scales." "When's his birthday?" (Ron) "January 9th." "Year?" (Ron) "You don't need to know that." "Only child?" (Harry) "First born." "How long has he been teaching here?" (Ron) "Too long." "Good answer." (Ron) "Trust me it's very true." "He does he hate the most in this school?" (Harry) "Pretty much everybody that isn't me, like three other staff members and all of the paintings." "All of them?" "He talks in his sleep about burning every single of them and watching them melt." (There was a long pause) "How do we even know you aren't making this up as you go along?"
This is when Ariel simply smiled, cupped her hand around her lips and whispered, "Because a mail order bride wouldn't lie about being a mail order bride." She then turned on her heel and skipped off into the direction of her affection. The pair continued to walk off together, hand in hand leaving Harry and Ron to stand behind in perplexity, eyes unblinking and mouth gapping.
"Harry…does this mean…?"
"Snape got a hot ass girlfriend before we did? Yes…"
There was a pause. "Does this mean we should kill ourselves?"
"Probably…But then again I'm biased because I'm already an orphan and the most sadistic wizard in the universe—"
"Shut up Harry and just take me to the highest tower in this damn school."
By the time the two had reached Dumbledore's office, the news of Professor Snape's hot girlfriend had reached even the ghosts ("Did you hear? The greasy teacher has a gorgeous girlfriend!" "Damn, good thing I'm already dead. I was once a prince and my wife looked an inbred horse." "That's what you get for marrying your cousin." "Shut up Vincent.")
Immediately walking in, the found the Headmaster drinking tea with the Sorting Hat.
"Albus I've told you I can't dr—" began the old hat but the Headmaster interrupted him once seeing the couple.
"Aw, what a lovely sight for an old man's eyes…Severus…Oh and hello to you too Miss. Ariel." Dumbledore greeted, his voice trailing off absentmindedly.
"Hello Headmaster Drizzy." Ariel returned.
Snape shot a downward look but the Headmaster brushed it off. "Oh stop Severus. I can do whatever I want and you just a hater."
Biting back searing sarcasm, Snape said between clenched teeth, "You demented old man…"
"Oh don't start calling names Severus. Just say 'thank you for giving me happiness' and we can be done with this'." He dismissed, confidently. He looked at the former merlady with a twinkle in his eyes and asked, "I assume he is very happy with you."
"Yes…and I'm just as happy with him." Ariel confessed giddily as she squeezed his fingers playfully.
"Well she's happy, you're happy, I'm upset that my Biggie Smalls portrait breezed but alas…" Dumbledore exclaimed joyfully.
"Not alas! We have an issue..." Snape implied, glancing at the Sorting Hat.
"Ah," Dumbledore understood at once and took the Sorting Hat and promptly tossed him out an open window. "Go on, Severus."
"Wasn't that hat alive?" Ariel cried out in shock.
"He'll be fine, he's just an old ass hat who sings and stereotypes anyway." Dumbledore insisted. "Now Severus?"
"The Dark Lord came to Ariel and demanded she'd make a child with me…"
Dumbledore looked Ariel up and down. "When will she be due?"
"He in-vitro the child…She is already born." "It is a girl?" "Yes…It has grown, it is already killing animals…"
Dumbledore sighed, flopping back into his chair. He then looked at Ariel, curiously. "How did this happen, my dear?"
"He came to me and said Severus was such a good follower he wanted more…And then he gave me an option to—"
"Wait—wait—he gave you an option?" He cut off abruptly.
"Yes…Either go through pregnancy or just let him do some weird conception thing after having unprotected sex." She continued to explain thinking it mattered about the child's birthing.
Dumbledore got up from his chair and went directly to Ariel. He came so close she had to stop breathing because she could clearly smell the scent of his sweaty old man odor.
"Ariel…Miss Ariel…He likes you." He explained softly. When she tried protesting, he stopped her. "Not in a romantic sense, Tom doesn't understand what you and I and Severus do…But he never, never gives people an option. You have clearly gotten to his good side."
"He did say he liked my honesty…" She replied, sheepishly.
"How ironic! His most favorite thing to do is deceive but he appreciates your truthfulness." Dumbledore laughed, ironically. He looked to Severus and said, "You can only hope that child inherits her mother's honesty."
"Headmaster Drizzy…why does it matter that he likes me?" Ariel piped up.
"It means he will not kill you." Snape answered sounding more relieved than anything.
"I doubt that…" Although she was not so sure herself.
"Ariel, it means Severus does not have to lose you…It means in two years, he has something to look forward to when things are done…" Dumbledore explained vaguely as he walked over to his desk.
She wanted to ask but seeing the way Severus looked at her with the deepest sort of love in his eyes, she didn't want to disrupt his joy, which she knew did not lost long.
"So…we can take care of the child situation later…Is there anything else I should know about?" Dumbledore asked as he reached for his cup of tea.
Before anyone could speak, a thunderous nose came from outside his office entrance way. The room shook and a monstrous sound rattled in the Headmaster's skull.
"DUMBLEDICK! DUMBLEDICK IMMA KILL YOU DUMBLEDICK!" Screamed out the obvious voice of Biggie Smalls.
Dumbledore shot Snape a piercing glare, who quickly snapped at him, "You're the one who brought him hear."
This is when Ariel let go of her lover's hand to walk down the spiral staircase, despite Dumbledore's protest ("DEAR WIZARD JESUS I'M GOING TO GET KILLED BY AN ANGRY DEAD BLACK MAN."). When Ariel reached the bottom of the staircase, she found Biggie Smalls unable to squeeze through.
"Hey Gothic Guy's Girlfriend." He greeted with a sigh.
"What's wrong, Biggie Smalls?" Ariel asked sympathetically.
"I wanna kick Dumbledick's ass but I'm too fat." He explained, defeated.
"Is it really necessary to kick his ass? You're out of the painting. You're alive again. And you helped a young lady build self-esteem. You've done a lot in the past two days!" Ariel argued trying to sound optimistic.
"Yeah but do you know how long I had to watch an old saggy man walk around with no pants on? The asshole needs to get punched in the face." Biggie Smalls growled out. "Besides, I can't go back to Hell with people knowing I didn't kick some ass."
Ariel stopped to think for a moment. "What if I offer you something better than violence?"
"Go on…" He allowed her to explain.
When a few hours went by and it was now Dinner time, the happiness of Wallace could not be described. He sat with half of the table dedicated to him, surrounded by all the foods he had missed the most since he was murdered: Steak, cheese, grape jelly, sea food, ham, homemade bread, Sheppard's pie, sausages, potatoes (mashed, steamed, salted and salad), chicken (unfortunately roasted instead of fried) and of course, desserts—pies, cakes, cupcakes, chocolate on chocolate brownies, fudge, ice cream. Biggie Smalls ate better than he had in his living days. Since the intensity of watching Biggie Smalls eat made several students sick, half of the Great Hall had decided to starve that night, leaving him with his own table. The only person who sat with him was Hermione.
"Miss Hermione?" Biggie Smalls spoke at last and he laid his stomach on his protruding stomach, through laborious breaths.
"Yes Mr. Wallace?" She asked.
"Before your depressed teacher sends me back to hell—which—after this meal I can see how sinful gluttony is—can I just say—I am—very glad—I met you." He panted, his eyes getting heavy.
Hermione could feel her heart melting. A touched smile spread so far onto her face she hardly had room for her eyes. "Thank you, Christopher." Biggie Smalls gave her a sleepy smile in return.
"Did you eat well, Mr. Wallace?" Ariel asked him as Snape stood beside her with his wand ready.
"I did, I did…Which means I'm going back to Hell 'ite?"
"I'm afraid so…"Snape replied.
Biggie didn't seem to mind. "Eh, it's where I belong. I hate goodie goodies I like black hoodies, plus Satan's mad cool once you get to know him." He said with two heavy eyes closed. But he peeped a look at his friend Hermione and said with a smile, "I hope I never see you again."
Hermione gave him a sad look as Snape murmured a spell sending him back to Death and its Christian consequences. Noticing her look of forlorn, her Professor offered reassurance, "Miss Granger, you brought out the humanity in a man who starts off raps with graphic death threats and rape implications. If he will be rewarded for that in some way."
And he would. When Biggie arrived back in the sixth level of Hell, Satan took off a millennium for his good deed and offered him free counseling secessions with Freud. He was able to lament about his regrets, discuss his depression and cry like a little girl ("He wouldn't put on pants! He wouldn't put on pants! Now I know how all those hoes I degraded felt!").
Hermione didn't want to think about it though and changed the subject.
"What are you two going to do now?" She inquired, curious herself as to see what the couple had in mind, something both of them discussed in length that day.
"I dunno…" Ariel said thoughtfully. "I'm kind of over Hogwarts though…I just watched two students jump off one of those towers."
"OH MY GOD!" Hermione cried out. "THEY KILLED THEMSELVES?"
"Killed themselves? They haven't even landed yet. This castle's only sixty miles high."
(In the distance you could hear Harry crying: "GOD WHY DON'T I EVER DO THESE RIGHT?")
"Don't worry Miss. Granger, the Headmaster's watching them to ensure they are saved." Snape reassured.
Oh the man was watching them but not out of concern…He could watch the boys from his office and he did so with a bowl of lemon drops, laughing hysterically ("God, I've never seen a teenager suck at suicide like Potter.").
"I want to see what the rest of the Wizardry world looks like…Maybe even go to Magic Mexico…" Ariel said with a dreamy sigh as she tugged on Snape's hand lovingly.
"Do not tell the other students Miss. Granger but I have accumulated about two years' worth of vacation… So next week I wouldn't bother with class if I were you." Snape replied with a sly smile directed at his lover. "But knowing you will you go regardless."
He wouldn't have known but that following Monday when they had one of the interchangeable Hogwarts professors who is not important enough for a silly name, Hermione would skip class to lay in the sun for a few hours. She didn't have a book or homework to occupy her time she merely took a nap in the mild sunshine. It was the first time in a very, very long time she slept so well.
