A/N: I can only apologize for how long it's taken me to come back to this story. I appreciate everyone's patience and encouragement. Hopefully this will make up for the long wait.

Each chapter title is an Evanescence song. You can hear them on you tube. I hope you're listening and I hope I've created some new fans.

Just a few more to go. Enjoy.

~RNB

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Only Love Will Guide You Home

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Chapter 12: What You Want

Do what you,

What you want.

If you have a dream

For better.

Do what you,

What you want

'till you don't want it anymore.

Remember who you really are.

~Evanescence

Rick could only stare at Kate's diary in amazement. The first page was heavier than the rest. It was a lighter shade of blue than the cover and decorated with shimmering golden lilies in each corner. Similar images and scroll work created the borders of the box that held her name.

Property of Katherine Beckett

He was struck by the irony of gilded lilies on diary. Gilding was used to decorate the outside, while diaries were meant to reveal the truth.

He knows he shouldn't read it. Knows what an invasion of privacy that would be. He mentally braced for the familiar driving impulse to have to know…the same compulsive curiosity that won't let him stay in the car. But it didn't come.

It was as if the universe had given him another chance by testing his faith in her. And this time, at least, he felt like he passed. He didn't fear what he would find inside her most personal thoughts, so there was no frantic need to know everything.

Some of the guilt he carried for giving in to his doubts that night lifted with the knowledge. He knows Kate. And most of the time he understands what makes her tick. After all, he spent the last several years observing her very closely, personally and professionally…learning who she is, how she reacts in different situations. He knows her character, her flaws. He knows her. And more importantly, he knows she loves him.

It's enough.

He was still curious though, but then again, he was curious about all things Kate Beckett before he knew about the diary. As a writer this was a chance to peek inside his Muse's head. The answers to so many of his questions lay hidden in the palm of his hand, so of course he would wonder what's in it.

Had she written about him? More importantly, had she written about them? He felt sure she had…but whatever it was…it was private. And he was ok with that.

Rick hoped that if he could fix the mess he'd made of their relationship, that one day she would eventually open these parts of herself to him. And he would rather hear it from her. They would get there, and he's willing to wait.

Smiling, he carefully closed her diary and held it briefly against his chest.

Taking it with him, he went back to the kitchen and refilled his cup.

Now more than ever, he had to make Alexis understand that she's wrong about Kate. Granted, her concerns were somewhat justified given their past, but he knew they could get past all of this, and his daughter would come around in time.

His absently sipped his coffee as he thought about how to overcome this dilemma. Maybe Alexis didn't trust Kate completely when it came to their relationship…but she did trust him. He just needed her to believe him that it would all work out for the best.

He regretted telling Kate that he needed time apart…when what they had really needed was time together…being honest with themselves and each other. He would like to blame it on the narcotics, the drama and trauma, losing a baby, Alexis having doubts, and the unresolved argument over the AG's job…or all of the above, but the truth was, he lost faith in her.

By the time Kate had returned that evening he had been so confused and his emotions were being pulled in so many directions. He finally just told her he needed some time to get his head wrapped around everything that had happened. He needed to figure some things out and that he would call her when he had. The look on her face when he uttered those words still haunted him.

It was a mistake to give up on her. To give up on them. A mistake he intended to rectify. And if Alexis couldn't bring herself to trust Kate, she would just have to trust him. Because Kate would always have his back. And he would always fight for her.

"Richard?"

He turned to find his mother looking curiously at the book in his hands. "Chloe just dropped this off", he explained, watching her pour coffee into her cup.

"Well that was nice of her. What is it?"

Instead of answering, Rick asked, "Mother, did you know Kate kept a diary while I was in the hospital?"

"No dear, she never mentioned it…and I never saw her writing in anything other than the one that we all kept for you." Her smiling eyes quickly narrowed over the rim of her cup, "Richard, please tell me you are not going to read that!" she said, pointing to the diary, noticing the beautiful Lily inlayed in the deep blue, leather.

"No, Mother. I am definitely not going to read It." he smiled confidently, not in the least offended. "And you know what I just realized?"

"What's that, kiddo?" Martha was smiling. Her son was more like himself today than he had been in months. She cursed their timing.

Placing his cup in the sink, he dropped his arm over her shoulders and led her into the living room, "I don't need to."

He stepped over to the stair rail and leaned over a bit. "Alexis, honey….can you come down here please?" Rick called out to his daughter.

Martha sat in an armchair while Rick placed Kate's diary on the coffee table. He stood by the couch while Alexis made her way over to them. When everyone was situated, he cleared his throat and began.

"Alexis, Mother…uh, I need to tell you guys something." Rick wiped his suddenly damp palms on his jeans.

"Richard, you look so serious. Is this about your case?"

"No," he shook his head slightly. "It's not about that," he said smiling at his mother before turning his gaze on his daughter.

"Actually, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. And I've made some decisions that will affect us all." He looked over at the diary. Its very existence gave him hope.

"Affect us how, Dad?" There was trepidation in Alexis' voice

"For the better!" Rick smiled easily, "Definitely for the better." He sat on the edge of the cushion next to Alexis. Grabbing a throw pillow, he tossed it playfully into her lap, "Well, I uh, I need to talk to you about our future."

"Our future?" Alexis looked at Grams to see if she knew…but no, she looked surprised too.

"Yeah…I want to talk about our future…and how Kate figures into it." Rick was watching her reaction and the look in her eyes wasn't making him feel good about where this conversation was suddenly headed.

Alexis could only stare at her Father as her heart plunged. Before she could form a sentence, her dad was holding up a hand to silence her.

"Now, I know you may not be completely on board with this…but my decision is made." He took a long breath and stated calmly, "I'm going to try again with Kate."

He felt good about his decision. He was going to do what was best for him and put his own happiness first for a change. In the end it would be best for all of them. He just needed to make his daughter understand.

She shook her head, this couldn't be happening. "Dad, please…I need to tell you someth…"

"No, Alexis. Please, just let me finish," He reached for her hand, "I love her. And I know she still loves me. I have to try."

Rick glanced at his mother and saw that she was softly beaming. He had been pretty sure she would be okay with this since she had made it clear that she thought breaking up had been a mistake. His daughter, on the other hand, seemed shocked.

He took a deep breath, "Alexis, you're just gonna have to trust me that I know what I'm doing… for myself, and for my family. In my heart I know she's the link our family needs. One we didn't even know we were missing. And I'm asking you both to accept her, for my sake. And…for you to give her time. She feels things very deeply, and I know she loves you and Grams."

His mother was smiling and nodding, obviously very pleased with the news, but Alexis' eyes were brimming with tears and her alabaster complexion was unusually pale. "Please, just give her a chance, Alexis."

Alexis pulled her hand back slowly and shifted on the sofa. She turned more fully towards her father.

"Dad…"

"Look," he rushed to get it all said, "When you suggested some time apart…at first I thought you might be right…take some time…evaluate my feelings…but I was wrong, Alexis. I already knew what my feelings were. And more importantly, I knew hers too…I just gave into my fears. But I was wrong and I need to fix this with her. I just need to know, that despite your reservations about our relationship, that you will be supportive of this." He finished with an expectant look, letting her know she could talk now.

Awkward silence hung in the air, and she knew she had to say something. "Yeah, I uh, I can do that, Dad," she stammered haltingly.

He looked at her skeptically, "Are you sure? Because you can talk to me…I want you to be okay with this."

"I'm sure, Dad. I Promise. I do support you getting back together with Kate." She dropped his gaze and focused on her hands. "Actually I'm relieved you still want to, because…well…I've realized that I was wrong to ever suggest that you break up with her…even for a few days." Alexis smoothed imaginary lines out of the cushion, trying to get her nerves under control. She felt like running.

"And I…" For just a moment she considered leaving it there…not confessing to her lie.

She glanced up to see that he was looking at her with understanding. Grams smiled at her encouragingly then looked pointedly at the back of his head. Get on with it.

She took a deep breath and sat up straight. "Dad…I need to be honest with you."

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Do what you,

What you want.

Your world's closing in on you now.

It isn't over.

Stand and face the unknown.

Got to remember who you really are.

Every heart in my hands

Like a pale reflection.

~Evanescence

"Hey, it's ok," he reached for her hand again. She looked scared and he wanted to reassure her, "You know you can tell me anything…right?"

Alexis nodded, she was about to put that to the test. "I do need to tell you something…well, several things. But before I do, I just want you to know that I know I've made a huge mistake and I regret it so, so much…and Dad, I will do whatever I can to make this right."

There was a desperate plea in her eyes that made his gut twist. "To make what right?" He looked lost, "What are you talking about?"

"I've known that Kate was the one for you…well, for a long time. But lately, especially since you were kidnapped…." she closed her eyes. This was harder than she thought. "I've been so angry with her," came the whispered confession.

Alexis cleared her throat, using the time to try to find the right way to tell him…so that maybe he would understand what had driven her to do what she had done.

Rick gave her a moment to gather her thoughts. He was just happy they were making progress. Maybe admitting to being angry with Kate was the first step to fixing the problem.

She finally spoke. "The night you were taken…after we realized you had been kidnapped…we were at the 12th and I overheard Kate telling Captain Gates about what had happened right before you were abducted…Kate told her that you left her apartment right after you found out about the job in DC and how she didn't have time to warn you about the threat that had been called in."

Alexis started to tear up. Looking around the room to avoid meeting her father's eyes, she tried to explain, "I was so pissed…I mean you were missing! And after everything she put you through over the years…and she was just going to leave you?" She swiped at her cheek, "I just…I lost it. The first chance I got, I screamed at her and I blamed her for your kidnapping, and for what they did to you. I accused her of trying to get you killed…not caring if you lived or died." Finally, she looked up at him, "I'm sorry, Dad. I was so angry and so scared."

He was quick to reassure her, "Sweetie…Kate will understand." He patted her knee soothingly, "Look, I'm sure Kate knew you didn't mean it. Trust me. Beckett understands that people say things in the heat of the moment that they regret later. " He moved to put his arm around her shoulder.

Alexis scooted back on the couch to avoid his offer of comfort. He wasn't going to feel the same after he heard what she had to tell him. "No…Dad, it wasn't just once…or in the heat of the moment. I was trying to make her leave you."

His head snapped back in shock, but she continued. "I mean…you were hurting enough as it was and I really thought she was just waiting until you were better to break up with you so she could leave for her new job." Alexis lowered her eyes, she wasn't proud of any of this. "From that night until the time you woke up...I said a lot of pretty awful things to her just trying to get her to break up with you." She looked up to gauge his reaction.

He looked horrified.

She knew the silence wouldn't last, so she pressed on, "And when that didn't work…then, that last night when you were so upset with her…for the first time you seemed to be wavering…and I remember thinking, 'It's now or never'. I was trying to push you into finally breaking up with her by letting you know I didn't think she was working out." Finally dropping her eyes, she exhaled, "Which to be fair…is really how I felt at the time."

Rick could only stare, frozen in disbelief. It felt like his world was tearing apart at the seams. He couldn't fathom what he was hearing! His calm, usually level-head daughter…had tried…hell, succeeded, in ruining the most important relationship of his life…by lying to him and being verbally abusive to his girlfriend…"Oh my God," it was barely a whisper. Closing his eyes, he leaned forward, dropping his elbows to his knees. His hand was visibly shaking as he raised it to his mouth. "Oh my God," he repeated.

"I don't feel that way anymore, Dad…I was just so confused and…"

Without looking he held up his hand and the talking stopped. He needed to think…he didn't understand how it got this bad so quickly. He thought Kate and Alexis had begun to form a pretty good bond before all of this happened…how did it get so far out of control?

He was aware of Alexis wiping her eyes, as she put a little distance between them on the sofa. Smart girl. He could feel his heart racing and his breathing had quickened. He was literally, pulse poundingly angry. How could she do this to him? How could she do this to Kate?

He sat up as he realized that was a very good question. Rick turned to look at his mother. "Where were you while all of this was going on?" he demanded.

Her eyes widened in surprise. "I had no idea!" she defended herself, glaring daggers at her grandchild, who was studying the throw pillow in her lap.

When his eyebrow began to lift, she added, "Well, of course I could tell something was wrong between them. I even tried to talk to Alexis about it a few times…but I can assure you, she certainly never behaved that way in front of me!"

He couldn't believe this was happening. How could his own daughter do something so under-handed and cruel? He had more to say to her, but he was too angry.

"And Kate never told you Alexis was treating her this way?" Why didn't she say something?

"No, she never said a word. Richard, I swear…I would never have allowed her to treat Katherine that way." she said indignantly.

"I'm sorry, Mother…I know you wouldn't…I didn't mean to imply that you had!" Rick took a few deep breaths. "I'm sorry. I'm just angry and upset."

Groaning, he covered his face again as it dawned on him…Kate hadn't told him either. He sighed heavily into his hands. In her world, in her way, he knew she was trying to shield him…to protect his relationship with Alexis. He had no idea how this shocking betrayal would affect him and Alexis…but one thing was for sure…repairing the damage with Kate just got a lot more complicated.

"I wish now I had interfered." Martha was more than a little outdone with Alexis. She had not mentioned how she mistreated Katherine during her confessions to her or Dr. Parrish. Now she knew why.

"Believe me, I wish you had too," his frustration added a little snap to his voice. He was so tired of the 'one-step-forward-two-steps-back' dance he seemed to be stuck in.

"Well, after their little heart to heart, I thought they had patched things up," Martha informed him.

"What heart to heart?" Rick finally turned to Alexis who had been crying quietly. Surprisingly he found himself unmoved by her tears or her aura of contrition. When she didn't answer immediately, he yelled at her, "When was this?"

Answering for her grandchild, Martha gently rebuked his harsh tone with a grimace and she began miming deep breathing, out of Alexis' line of sight. "It was the morning you woke up. Kate pulled Alexis aside and confronted her about her attitude and behavior." Martha quietly encouraged him to try a calmer approach.

"Alexis…what did Kate say to you?" Rick asked through clenched jaws. His tone was more modulated but he was nowhere close to calm. Her bright blue eyes were filled with regret and he had to turn away. He couldn't even look at her without imagining her dumping all over the woman he loved. Rick dropped his head again. He just wanted to cry.

Seeing the disappointment and pain etched in his face, fresh tears welled up and spilled down her cheeks, "She said…she told me she wanted to work it out between us and…" Alexis had to swallow the lump in her throat before she could continue. "She said that she loved all of us and wanted to be a part of our family."

He whipped around, outrage coursed through him and his eyes glistened with unshed tears, "You knew how she felt and you STILL lied to me?!" Everything about him shouted disgust and betrayal.

Alexis snapped back. "Just because she said it, didn't mean I believed her! Why would I?" she asked him, her own voice rising with emotion. "I already knew…well, I thought I knew, that she had taken the job in DC. I thought she was just sucking up to me so she could keep up appearances for you and Grams…and then, after you came out of the coma, she started coming to the hospital less and less…you guys were acting weird around each other…like she was pulling away…trying to let you down easy or something…" she let her sentence trail off, waiting on him to say something…anything.

Rick was dumbfounded. How could she have thought that any of those things justified her actions? He closed his eyes against the bitter swell of anger and betrayal. His own daughter. "My god Alexis! How could you do this to her? To me? " he whispered, still staring at her in shock.

"I wasn't doing it to her, Dad…I was doing it for you!" she cried.

"By breaking us up?!"

"Yes…but Dad…now I know that I was wrong and that I misjudged her…but at the time….all I could see was the constant danger…and she just kept leaving you…and you always forgive her, Dad. You always do…and I knew you would again." She drew a shuddering breath and sat up a little straighter, "I thought I was protecting you," she sighed, miserably.

"I don't need you to protect me!" Rick lunged to his feet, shouting, "Damn it, Alexis!" He didn't go far before he spun back around, "Do you have any idea what you've done!?"

"Dad, I thought she was going to leave you….to take that job…and what would you have done then?" She cried, her eyes imploring him to be able to see her side just a bit.

He looked at her as if she'd lost her mind, He could feel his heart pounding in his temples. "I'd have gone with her! Or commuted if necessary…like normal couples do…like normal families do!" He threw up his hands, and moved to the other side of the coffee table. "C'mon, Alexis! This isn't just about you anymore. It's not even about you and me! You'll be finishing college and moving off soon…hopefully, you'll be falling in love and getting married." He stopped pacing to look at her, "Did you think I was going to live my life here waiting on you to visit in between your career and future family?" he asked incredulously.

She shook her head, "No, I don't think that. I was just…"

He just talked over her, "I have a life too, Alexis." He wasn't in the mood for any more excuses. "I deserve to be happy, and Kate makes me happy! And I let her down by giving up on us!" Rick sat down hard in the empty armchair feeling like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. He couldn't believe his daughter had sabotaged his relationship!

It was like the universe was conspiring against them. Every time they were within grasp of having their happy ending…it was slapped away. Like some cosmic joke designed to tease mere mortals with the promise of a distant dream they can never have.

"I gave up on her," He repeated softly, staring blankly ahead. "Do you know what I must seem like to her?" He asked no one in particular. Closing his eyes, he shook his head…"Just one more person who leaves."

Closing his eyes, Rick leaned back in the chair and let his head fall onto the cushion. He had to figure out how he was going to salvage this wreck his life had turned into.

After a moment, Alexis said softly, "I'm not trying to justify what I did, Dad…or make excuses. I know what I did was wrong on so many levels and I will do anything I can to make this right…I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry I didn't just talk it over with Kate…I've made such a mess of everything." She laughed sadly at that, "Kate even warned me about letting anger lead me into making self-destructive decisions. But I didn't listen to her.…I know she loves you, Dad. And I promise I can and will accept her into our family. I'm so sorry. I was wrong about everything and…and I hope you can forgive me."

Rick lifted his head and looked his daughter squarely in the eyes. "I love you, Alexis and I would do anything for you. I would sacrifice everything…for you…" His voice broke with emotion, as his eyes filled with tears. "…and if I thought for one minute that Kate wasn't good enough for you…for us…then I'd do it…I would let her go…because I could never truly love someone who couldn't love you."

As he rose slowly from the chair, his riotous emotions began to boil over. He was so angry. He felt so betrayed.

"You used that against me because you thought I was so blinded by love that you never stopped to consider that I know her better than you do!" He was almost shouting, his voice rough and harsh.

He looked over at his mother, for what seemed like the first time in hours.

"It's going to be okay, Son. We're going to get through this." She offered, kindly.

Anger finally gave way to sadness, "I'm not so sure anymore," he sighed. Rick turned back to his daughter, who was still crying into her hands.

She raised her eyes to meet his. "I'm so sorry, Daddy."

Rick just shook his head, "I've had to scratch and claw for every inch I've gained with her. And it's taken us five years to finally get there." Rick leaned over and picked up Kate's diary from the table, tracing his index finger along the outline of the Lily

"It has taken so much for her to trust in love again, to let me inside her defenses and slowly help her take them down….from the inside, so she can be the kind of person she wants to be…not for me…but for her. And in turn I've become a better man….less selfish and self-centered."

The muscles in his jaw were beginning to hurt from holding on to his control and a tear finally slipped past his lashes, "I'm in love with Kate Beckett. And if she can forgive me, I'm going to spend the rest of my life with her. Maybe you don't believe in her, maybe you don't trust her when she says forever…but I do! So you better figure out how you're gonna make this work!"

Alexis apparently didn't have anything left to say, because she was just staring at him with tears running down her face. But he couldn't bring himself to really feel sorry for her.

For a brief moment, Rick wanted to tell her to pack a bag and get out, and he realized that he had to get out of here before he said something he would regret. He needed time to process what Alexis had done. He needed to figure out how to fix this with Kate. Clutching her words like a lifeline, he headed for the sanctuary of his office when suddenly he stopped and spun around, locking eyes with his daughter.

"I'm so disappointed in you, Alexis," he said, quietly, after a long moment. "I understand having doubts…but to treat anyone like you treated Kate…that doesn't sound like doubt to me…" he glanced down at the diary in his hands. "That sounds like fear."

He walked back over towards the couch, never dropping her gaze. "I'm not really sure what you're afraid of…maybe you don't know either. But whatever it is with Kate that's scaring you…" he laid Kate's journal next to his daughter, "You'll find the answers in here." A moment later, the office door close behind him.

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Hello, hello,

Remember me?

I'm everything you can't control.

Somewhere beyond the pain,

There must be a way to believe

We can break through.

~Evanescence

Alexis seemed frozen in place, her eyes searching through the bookshelves, trying to catch a glimpse of her dad, hoping for some sign that he might come back. After a moment, she turned towards her grandmother…her mouth moved like she was trying to say something…but instead, she lurched to her feet and bolted from the room.

Martha sighed, letting out one of the many breaths she had held during this whole debacle. She watched her granddaughter disappear up the stairs and a moment later a door slammed. Another sigh. She would deal with her in a few minutes. Right now, her son was her main concern.

Hearing no sounds from the inside, she slowly let herself into the office and spotted Richard at his desk with his head buried in his arms. Martha sat on the corner of the desk and reached for him, "Oh, Richard," she cooed. When she lightly ran her hand through his hair, combing it with her fingers, his body shook and he finally gave into his tears. She wrapped her arms around his back and laid her head against his and let him cry.

When he seemed to be calmer, she raised up. "Oh, Honey…I'm so sorry," she said, "Are you ok?"

He shrugged his shoulders, still unable to speak through his tears.

"Is there anything I can do?"

He shook his head.

Patting his shoulder, she intoned, "Everything is gonna be alright."

He turned his head in his arms, opening the eye closest to her. "Even you don't sound convinced," he muttered.

Martha grew instantly serious as she stared back at his lone, damp, blue eye, "Oh, but I am!" she said confidently. "The three of you will find a way to deal with this and move forward together."

Raising up a bit, he opened both eyes. "How can I possibly expect her to be able to forgive Alexis?" He implored. Or me, for that matter?

"For the same reason that you will eventually forgive her…because you all love each other," she stated, as if it were that easy.

"It's a lot to ask, Mother." He didn't look as if he held out much hope.

She patted him smartly on the back, "But you have got to keep trying, Richard! Because Katherine Beckett is the best thing that's ever happened to this family. Not just for you, but especially for Alexis!"

Rick finally sat up, swiveling in his chair to face his mother, "Yeah, well…something tells me Alexis wouldn't agree with you."

She nodded toward the living room, "What just happened in there is exactly why you and Katherine have to work this out. Once and for all, you two need to decide where this 'thing' of yours is going."

"That's what we were trying to do until my daughter decided I couldn't be trusted with big decisions!" He howled in frustration, "I'll be lucky if Kate will even speak to me after what Alexis has done, much less discuss the future…unless it's a very short future."

"Darling, surely you can see that Alexis was sca-," Martha began, but her son cut her off.

"Yes, Mother. I heard all her excuses." Rick put his head back on the desk, obviously done talking, "Now if you don't mind, I need to think about how I'm gonna explain it all to Kate."

She knew when to withdraw. "Alright, Darling. I'll leave you to it." She lovingly patted his arm as she stood. "I'll be back in a little while…then maybe we can put our heads together." Closing the door behind her, Martha glanced at the stairs and sighed. On to round two.

Knocking as she entered, Martha called out, "Alexis? It's me."

Her granddaughter appeared to be packing an overnight bag. A small assortment of clothes were laid out across the comforter. "Alexis Castle!" she gasped. "What on earth are you doing?"

Pulling a pair of jeans from the closet, Alexis replied, "I'm getting a hotel room for the night…or until Dad decides he can speak to me again."

Calmly, Martha extended her arm, interrupting her mid fold and gently pried the jeans from her agitated fingers. Tugging her by the hand, she led her towards the foot of the bed. "The best thing you can do is stay here. Yes, I know he's very angry and hurt…and rightfully so…" Martha sat down in the nearby reading chair and patted an empty spot on the mattress. "But you just need to give your father some time."

Alexis sat, her shoulders slumping dejectedly. She was so not up for a lecture right now.

Martha leaned in, "Alexis, I cannot begin to tell you how upset and disappointed I am in your behavior during all of this. But that's not what I need to talk to you about at the moment."

"What is it, Grams?" she moaned, she was still pretty raw from the fight with her dad and she just wanted to find a better place to think.

"Do you know why your father and Kate have fought this thing between them for so long?" the older woman asked, mysteriously.

Alexis just shrugged.

Smiling gently, Martha explained, "Because both of them, in their own way, were afraid of being happy…too scared to take a chance on someone…because they were so afraid of losing all that this person had come to mean to them." She watched as fierce emotions played across the young teenager's face.

Alexis looked up through suddenly damp lashes, listening intently.

Tilting her head, Martha observed, "You know, it seemed like every time one of those perfect moments came around…one of them would pulled back. They've shied away or reacted out of fear…trying to protect their hearts…but it's usually ended with someone else getting hurt."

She looked pointedly at the young woman who was so intelligent and mature…that she forgets that Alexis sometimes lacks the understanding that comes from experience. "Those two have been so afraid to fail, that they've had a hard time allowing themselves to really love each other enough to succeed." She felt sure her grandchild was drawing the parallels to her own behavior. "Until this," she finished.

Seeing tears fall on pale cheeks, Martha thought they might have reached a break-through of sorts. "Which brings me to my point. Your Father was right when he said this seemed more like fear than doubts. Usually, you're quick to give someone the benefit of the doubt…but this…Alexis, you went right for the jugular."

She reached out and laid a hand on Alexis' knee, which was bouncing nervously, "So, I think it's time you asked yourself…why are you so scared of loving Kate?"

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Do what you,

What you want.

You don't have to

Lay your life down.

It isn't over.

Do what you,

What you want.

'till you find

What you're looking for.

Got to remember who you really are

But every hour slipping by,

Screams that I have failed you.

Hello, hello,

Remember me?

I'm everything you can't control.

Somewhere beyond the pain

There must be a way to believe.

~Evanescence

Rick wasn't sure how long he had been leaning back in his desk chair, so he checked his watch and huffed. These last twenty-four minutes seemed like hours. He was no closer to figuring out how to even reach out to her after all this time, much less how to say what he needed to say. He couldn't imagine having this conversation via text messaging or Skype. So much would be lost in digital translation.

No, this was too important and he owed her too much for anything less than face to face.

Could he do it? It was only last week that he had barely made it past the building's front door. He hadn't even tried, since he had been assigned a detail.

His detail! He had an idea for how he could still get to Kate's and avoid going out in public.

Since they were all at home, there were basically two-three man teams outside and around them. One of them could take him and the other two teams would still be here for his mother and daughter. Surely, they would take him?

The idea consumed him and before long he had put on his shoes and found his keys.

He could do this.

Less than five minutes later, he knew he couldn't do this.

He managed to keep it together until he closed the front door behind him. In silent rage he hurled His keys and watched as they flew across the room, shattering the glass bowl on the coffee table, and landing with a thump in front of the sofa. He was shaking as he strode to his office, angrily slamming the door so hard that books tumbled to the floor. Reaction was coursing through him, making it hard to catch his breath.

He poured himself a much too large measure of premium scotch and chugged it. As soon as the burn faded, he did it again. His scorched throat wasn't helping getting air in any easier, but he didn't care as long as it did the job later.

How many ways could he let them down?! With a roar, he spun and threw his empty tumbler at the lithograph behind his desk. Rick watched as his favorite picture slid down the wall and landed in a heap of shattered glass and splintered wood. Drained for the moment, he dropped onto the arm of a chair. He tried to calm down but try as he might he kept twitching with involuntary muscle spasms as his heart raced. Why was this still so hard for him? What was wrong with him?

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Hello, hello,

Remember me?

I'm everything you can't control.

Somewhere beyond the pain,

There must be a way to believe.

~Evanescence

"Alexis, I still say this is a bad idea." Their long discussion had finally come back to the matter of Alexis leaving. "You should be here, not skulking off into the night."

"It's not even noon!" Exasperated, Alexis stepped out of the closet. "And since you know I'm leaving, I'm obviously not 'skulking'. Besides, it's already been arranged." She rolled her eyes when Grams stuck out her tongue, clearly ceding the point.

"Grams, you know I'm not leaving because I'm sulking or mad." She folded up her PJ's and placed them in the overnight bag. Of course she knew. She'd been in the room when Alexis had called the number that one of the officers had given her.

Gates called back in under a minute, wanting to know why a hotel was necessary when they were supposed to be laying low for the next few days and did she know how much trouble this would be.

After an embarrassing, but brief, explanation to the captain, a room had been arranged and her ride would be downstairs within the hour.

"The truth is, Dad doesn't want to see me right now…and I completely get that. I wouldn't want to see me either. I don't think either one of us is up for that awkward moment when we bump into each other at midnight. And since he's kinda stuck here at the moment, it's not fair that he has to worry about avoiding me too. Especially, since I'm the one who messed up." She shoved down on the top of the case and tugged the zipper closed.

Glancing around, Alexis gave a short nod, "I think that's it. I just need to shower and change, and I guess I'm ready to go." She walked into the bathroom and pulled off her sleep shirt, tossing it out behind her.

"Okay, fine!" Martha threw up her hands in defeat. "Maybe you're right." she called out, "After all, what do I kno—"

The sound of the office door slamming downstairs reverberated through the loft.

"What in the world?!" In a blur of Chinese silk, Martha ran from the room to see what was happening.

"Grams!" Alexis screamed as she raced from the bathroom, but the older woman was already gone. Terrified for their safety, she picked up her shirt and started throwing it on as she ran after her grandmother.

The sudden noise and unknown crisis erupting downstairs had her adrenalin flowing, and she fumbled getting her shirt back on. She heard glass breaking and something crashed as she flew down the hall. By the time she made it downstairs, she could see her grandmother disappearing inside her dad's office, her robe billowing behind her.

Hearing the fear in Grams' voice as she called out her dad's name, Alexis vaulted the rail. She was headed for the fireplace poker when Grams' tone changed from fear to concern.

Alexis moved closer to the partially closed door, needing to make sure everyone was okay. Finally, she could see her father sitting on the arm of a chair and she could hear Grams reminding him to breathe in and out.

Her own fear receded as she realized he must have had another panic attack or something. She had no idea what had caused it…but it had to be connected to their fight. Alexis desperately wished she could help him…but she knew he wasn't ready to see her. Especially now.

Quietly, Alexis picked up the books and pictures that had fallen and placed them on the nearby piano bench. She could only hear muted voices, but she didn't want her dad to see her and think she was eavesdropping.

Suddenly she heard her father yell, "How can I be there for her…when I can't even be there?!"

Drawn by her father's pain, she again found herself looking through the bookshelves. Her grandmother was sitting in the chair opposite him, their faces close together as they talked.

Observing the two of them, Alexis was suddenly grateful that Grams was there for him. Her heart broke for her father. It should be Kate. She hated herself a little more, knowing this was all her fault.

Her dad was never going to be completely happy without Kate. She quietly accepted the reality that Kate and her dad were probably headed for marriage and eventually…children. Not just any children, her brothers and sisters. And one day her own kids would consider Kate their grandmother.

Kate Beckett would be playing an important role in all of their lives forever. Her Dad was right. She had to figure out a way to be okay with that. No, she owed it to him to be more than just 'okay' with it. She would want her father to love the man who loved her. And Kate honestly loved her father, she couldn't deny that any more.

She knew she could accept Detective Beckett as the most important woman in his life. But what about in her own life? Could she let herself love Kate? Could she trust Kate to be the most important woman in her life too?

Alexis moved away until she was sure neither one of them could see her. She thought back to when Kate had been basically living here. They became a lot closer…Beckett handled her dad like a pro and it felt good to have a role model of sorts. She even looked forward to those afternoons when they managed to squeeze in some 'girl time'. Alexis had begun to let Kate fill the Meredith-sized hole in her life.

Then her Dad was taken…and she found out it was all a lie.

Except it wasn't.

Alexis moved to the breakfast bar and buried her head in her hands. She had been crushed that night at the precinct when she found out Kate was leaving. Grams was right. She had lashed out at Kate…not only to protect her father, but to protect her own heart…because she had fallen a little bit in love with Kate Beckett too.

She put her head down and started to cry into her arms, when suddenly a realization gave her hope. Kate said that she loved her dad…and she hadn't give up on him.

Despite everything Alexis had done and caused, Kate hadn't given up on her dad. In fact, according to Lanie's text earlier, the detective still hoped for a future with him.

How could Kate still want a future that included her, after the way she had acted?

Alexis could still hear Kate telling her that she loved her.

Had she lied about that? Was it possible that Kate still cared about her? Her heart raced at the thought and she sat up, wiping her eyes. Maybe Kate hadn't given up on her either…she just wished she could be sure.

If Kate loved her…even a little…then maybe she could forgive her. If she could, then Alexis knew there was still a chance for her dad to have the dream he had been chasing for so long…and maybe, one day, she and Kate could still have the kind of relationship they had been building towards…the kind that had always been missing in her life.

Alexis groaned at all the uncertainties. Could Kate forgive her dad? Probably. Would Kate ever be able to forgive her? God, she hoped so…because Grams was right again, she did love Kate…and she needed Kate to love her too. But she was scared.

Grabbing a napkin from the counter, she blew her nose and childishly wished there was an enchanted mirror she could ask, or a fairy Godmother…Hell, at this point she'd take a Magic 8-ball…she just wished there was a way to believe…to be as secure in Kate's love as her dad was.

Taking her tissue to the trash, she wished she had listened to Kate's advice that morning about letting anger and fear take over… Alexis became still as those words struck a chord in her memory…anger…fear

Fear. Doubts.

Turning slowly, Alexis stared into the living room, mentally replaying the end of their fight. What was the last thing her dad said to her? "…whatever it is with Kate that's scaring you…You'll find the answers in here." Slowly, she walked into the living room. Before she could change her mind, Alexis picked up Kate's diary from where her father had placed it on the couch….

You'll find the answers in here.

With a last glance towards the office, Alexis took the diary to her room and locked the door.

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There's still time.

Close your eyes,

Only love will guide you home.

Tear down the walls

And free your soul.

'till we crash

We're forever spiraling

Down, down, down, down

Hello, hello?

It's only me

Infecting everything you love.

Somewhere beyond the pain,

There must be a way to believe.

~Evanescence

"Richard!" Martha flew into the room, calling his name like only a frightened mother could. The instant she saw him she instinctively knew he wasn't injured, thank god. But he wasn't well. He was sitting on the arm of the chair, palms braced against his thighs.

"Are you okay?" She asked cautiously, slowing her approach.

He didn't answer.

She finally got close enough to see that his shoulders were working like he was taking in gulps of air…except that he wasn't.

She hurried over to her son, gently putting her hands on his shoulders. Crooning softly she said, "It's okay, Son. It's okay. Deep breaths…look at me…good…In…out," She kept up the mantra until his efforts to take in oxygen were less labored.

His gasps turned into wheezing, as he took more air into his lungs. She managed to coax him into the chair, and after a minute or two, his breathing slowly returned to normal. Well, mostly.

Taking the seat across from him, she softly inquired, "Can you tell me what happened?"

Still angry at himself, he briefly told her about his plan to go to Kate's apartment. "But as you can see…I screwed that up like I do everything else!"

"Oh, Richard, you haven't screwed anything up yet. You just had a setback."

"Oh, I think it's a little bit more than a setback Mother! You don't get it!" Pointing at the window and the world beyond, he yelled, "How can I be there for her when I can't even be there!"

"Why didn't you wait for me?" She admonished him, lovingly. "I would have helped you come up with a plan. Hell, I would have driven you myself."

"I don't know, Mother…I wasn't thinking clearly, I guess." He sighed, despondently, "All I could think of was getting to her."

"I can only imagine how hard this must be for you," she said, patting his knee commiserately, "Tell me what happened."

Leaning forward in the chair, Rick started, "I really thought I could do it, Mother…One of the guys out front radioed down to the garage and we went down there to wait on the unmarked car." He paused, trying to remember it all. "So, the car pulled up and I walked over…but…" He wiped some perspiration from his brow and noticed with disgust that his hand was shaking.

"Go on," she urged, "you're doing fine."

"One of the officers was behind the wheel of the car…and when it pulled alongside me…and then the second guy got out to open the door for me…and I just froze." Unbidden, memories from his kidnapping surged through his brain again, quickly followed by the rush of anxiety that never seemed to be far away. His breathing quickened, reflexively. He needed to move around and refocus on something else to dispel those images. He shot up from the chair and walked over to the window.

"I managed to pull my phone out…and I pretended that my appointment had been canceled." Rick rested his forehead on the cool glass and looked out at the city, "I scurried back to my hole before I embarrassed myself any more than I already had," his disdain for himself was clear from his tone and expression.

Rick lifted the damaged picture frame and shook off some loose pieces. He looked at the pile of debris behind his desk and thought it was pretty symbolic of his life. An endless stairway full of possibilities…the life he hoped for with Kate…crashing into shattered pieces.

He tilted it, looking for damage to the actual print and he saw himself reflected in the broken glass and thought maybe that was symbolic too. Was he broken? He didn't like to think of himself as broken…but the reality was…he was damaged. The words from a song he heard the other night, ran through his head.

All the little pieces falling, shatter. Shards of me,too sharp to put back together.
Too small to matter, but big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.

He remembered thinking at the time, how fitting it seemed. Even more so now. Putting the picture on his desk, he returned to his chair.

Dispirited, he dropped into it and told his mother, "You know, for a little while today I felt better than I have in weeks…maybe months. Even though I was tired…I was clear headed…and I felt…normal…more like who I was before all of this."

He pressed forward, resting his chin in his hands. "I felt good about the possibility for me and Kate…but now…I just want my old life back, Mother." He stared at a sliver of glass that was stuck to his shoe. "What if I never get the old me back? I want to be me again…upbeat, and outgoing. I hate being stuck here." He looked up, his eyes were dark and filled with tears, "But I get so scared," he breathed, hanging his head.

Leaning forward she took his face in her hands. Looking into his eyes, she told him, "Richard Castle, you are still in there. All the wonderful qualities that make you, you…are still in there. You just have to be willing to look for them."

"I want to …I just don't know how." He had never been so lost. Finally broken, he admitted defeat. "I don't know what to do."

Pulling his head to her shoulders, she wrapped her arms around him, and for just a moment he was her little boy again. Pressing her lips to his temple, she pulled back enough to look in his eyes, and whispered softly, "I think you know what you need to do, Son.

After a few seconds, he fished out his phone and pulled up a name. She had given it to him several months ago in case there were an emergency or if he ever needed advice or help. He was pretty sure he needed both.

"Hello?"

"Dr. Burke?"

"Yes, this is he."

"This is Richard Castle. I uh, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something?"

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Hello, hello?

Remember me?

I'm everything you can't control.

Somewhere beyond the pain,

There must be a way to learn forgiveness.

~Evanescence

L.T. called. He was downstairs waiting on her.

Alexis closed the diary. Her dad had been right. Everything she had needed to know was in there. She read it twice and she still couldn't it take it all in.

Tucking it safely into her purse, she grabbed her case and headed downstairs.

She stopped in the kitchen to leave her note on the counter. She didn't want them to worry when they came out and she wasn't there. She could see them, they were still in his office. Grams was reading on the couch, and although he had his back to her, he appeared to be on the phone. Was he talking to her? She hoped so.

She thought about it all the way down to the garage.

What if he told her already? Would that change anything? Alexis was pretty sure it wouldn't. Kate's response was going to be the same no matter who told her. And even if he was talking to Kate, it didn't change what she needed to do.

Kate deserved to hear it from her. And after reading the things she had written, Alexis knew she couldn't let her dad make the apologies for her. She should be asking for her own forgiveness.

"Hey, Little Castle!" L.T. greeted her fondly, "It's good to see you."

"Hey, L.T. It's good to see you too," she responded sincerely.

"Captain says were headed to the Ritz."

"Actually, I need to make a stop first."

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Hello, hello?

Remember me?

I'm everything you can't control.

Somewhere beyond the pain,

There must be a way to believe

We can break through.

~Evanescence

Rick woke up slowly, his bedroom was beginning to fill with shadows so he knew it must be later in the afternoon. The clock confirmed it, 5:58. Six hour of sleep was more than he was used too. He used the restroom and shuffled into the kitchen to make some coffee.

He found the note next to the pot. She was gone. In typical Alexis fashion it had all the pertinent details, including a time-stamp. She left it at 11:40 so she'd been gone a while. She had followed protocol and although expensive, he approved of her choice of hide-outs. Secure and Classy. He's pretty sure he's paying for it.

He hated to admit it, but in a way he's glad she left. Although talking to Dr. Burke had helped, he was still pretty angry with her, and he didn't feel like dredging it all up again by running in to her before he was ready.

Gathering up a couple of muffins and bananas, he sat down at the bar to eat. He was rinsing his dishes when his mother walked in.

"You're up!" she said in happy surprise. "I was hoping you would sleep all night."

"Gee, thanks."

"Hush." She warned him. "I picked up your prescriptions from Dr. Burke. Remember he said the anti-anxiety medications will probably make you sleepy at first, but it will get better."

Handing her a cup of coffee he swapped it for the white bag she held out. "I remember, Mother", he said patiently.

"And no alcohol." She smirked and took the bag away from him, opening the bottle with ease.

"Yes, Mother," he droned obediently, taking the pill she handed him. His sass earned him a loving smack on the arm.

"I was thinking about something," he began.

"What's that, Kiddo?" He seemed much more relaxed now that he had finally accepted the fact that he couldn't do it all by himself. She was so proud of him for finally making that call.

"Maybe Dr. Burke was right about trying again…but not in a way that so closely resembles my kidnapping…for obvious reasons." She was nodding along, so he continued outlining his idea. "What if you went with me? Maybe having a woman in the car will be different enough. We could try it anyway. What's the worst that can happen?"

The knock on the door saved her from answering. "Are you expecting anyone?"

"Sadly no," he replied as he pushed away from the counter. "I'll get it."

He opened the door and his heart began hammering in his chest, taking his breath away.

Kate.

He couldn't think…he couldn't breathe. He could only stare.

"Hey," she said, shyly. Her eyes were running over him, taking in everything about him. He had never looked so wonderful to her. Her knees suddenly felt rubbery but she couldn't stop a smile from forming. She took a small step forward.

"Kate," he exhaled, shaking off his stupor, but unable to look away. She was beautiful. And she was wearing the same outfit she wore the first night she came to him, rain-soaked and scared. His soul flared with hope as he opened the door wider.

Kate moved further into the loft, stopping just a couple of feet past Rick. She smiled nervously at Martha, who was standing in the kitchen, beaming as if she had just won an Oscar. The soft click of the door closing, instantly refocused her attention on the reason she was here.

He couldn't take his eyes off of her, and his knees were trembling so bad he wasn't sure how long they would hold him. "Kate, I'm glad you're here." Such an understatement, but sometimes his talent with words flew right out the window when he was near her. "I mean, I'm happy you're here…I'm just surp-"

"Alexis came to see me." She offered, taking a small step toward him.

His universe tilted and he had to lean on the door to keep his knees from buckling. "She…she did?" he stammered, gaining some of his equilibrium back.

"She did," Kate nodded quietly, moving to within arms' reach. "She told me everything."

"Kate," he inched forward, his hands instinctively reaching for her, "Alexis was wrong to treat you like she did and I am so—"

"Ssh, it's okay." Her thumb running softly across his lips stopped his flow of words and she pressed forward until their bodies were almost touching. "Rick, I'm so tired of running from this. I just want to be with you forever…" her free hand migrated to the plain of his chest, while his own found their way to her waist. "Tell me what you want," she whispered into the space between them.

"I just want you."

Kate surged forward, covering his mouth with her own. Her body weight gently pressing him against the door. He pulled her against him and poured every ounce of himself into their kiss. And just like that, the universe righted itself.

They slowly pulled apart, resting their foreheads against each other, smiling in wonder.

"Well don't just stand there!" Martha called from the kitchen, "Invite the girl in!"

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Remember who you really are.

Do what you, what you want.

~Evanescence

A/N: I have been both humbled and blown away by your reviews. Thank you, to each and every one who takes the time to let me know your thoughts.