Just as a head up, I will not be able to review any stories or update for the next few days. I'm going on my first vacation EVER! *excitement* So most likely I'll drop off the face of the Internet for a while. If I have Internet I'll try to read and review; but no promises.
Review Replies:
mozzi-girl: (Molly) Thanks so much! James is 16, and Matt is 17.
BreezyFan: (Lisa) Thanks a lot!
Matthew Fallon
I'm curled up in fear, sitting in what I think is the safest corner of the room. How did I end up here? Where is everyone? I try and make myself small, try and sink into the white wall behind me and disappear. The door on the other side of the room opens, and for a wild second I'm expecting something horrible and animal-like to appear. But it's not, it's a woman. Behind her is a rather large man. I don't know her, but at the same time I do. I don't have any memories of her, but I remember one thing she must have said to me once.
"Call me Haley. Doctor Haley Shay".
That's her name. Haley. But that doesn't mean she's not trying to hurt me. That doesn't mean she's not going to kill me.
"'Morning Matthew" she says cheerfully. She sits down on a chair on the other end of the room; one I hadn't noticed was there before. "A pipe burst in my office, so we're stuck in here today".
I glare at her. What is this, an interrogation? Is she trying to get information from me? Is that what the man is for; to rough me up if I don't talk? I can see something in her hand, a small book. Slowly, she crouches down near me and puts the book on the ground close to my feet. She smiles at me good-naturedly, but doesn't come closer. She reminds me of a hunter, trying to coax it's pray into thinking it's safe. When I relax she'll go in for the kill.
"Go ahead, pick it up" she says a little too sweetly. How dumb does she think I am? I'm not taking her bait! She frowns at me when I do nothing. "It's okay, Matthew".
No, it's no 'okay'. It'll never be 'okay'. She took them away! My Mum, my Dad, James. They killed them! And they're going to do the same to me, just as soon as they get what they want.
"Please Matthew, it'll be alright. I promise, just make it easier on yourself". I stay frozen. "Please. You have problems with your memories, Matthew. If you look at that, you'll remember".
Remember? What do I need to remember? Why wouldn't I know my own life? I remember school, friends, family. Birthday cakes, trips to the sea, showing James how to skip stones and ice cream on the sand. I remember track meets, school classes and races won. I remember the sunshine, the rain and the occasional snow. I remember the Christmas when I was eight; the snowman and ornaments on the tree. But oddly enough…I don't remember waking up this morning. I don't remember Haley. I don't remember coming here. And I know it's because they don't want me to know. It's because they want me to be afraid and confused. They want to see me break.
After a moment Haley sighs, looking rather disappointed. "You're not going to talk today, are you?" she says. I don't respond, and after a while she reaches down and grabs the book. Without looking at me, the large man opens the door for her and she starts to walk out. Now's my chance to escape! I may not get another one for a long time. Ignoring the deep ache just behind my knee, I spring up, heading straight for the door. The hulking man sees me first, and reaches out to grab me, but with reflexes like a cat I rear back and kick his shin with my right foot. It barely fazes him, but there's a split second for me to get away. Before she can even turn around I shove past Haley, shoulder-checking her into the doorway and bursting into the hallway. I look around…and I see that there are at least a dozen men just like the one I kicked in the shin milling about the hall. Where am I, some sort of prison? I stayed out of fights at school. I couldn't risk getting injured for track over some stupid little quarrel. But I know I'm going to have to fight my way out. I'm not ready for this.
Everything seems to be in slow motion and slightly distorted, like I'm watching everything through water. Several faces look at me in shock, but about half haven't even noticed me. But before any of them can make a move the one I kicked in the shins grabs me from behind. Panicked that he might stab me in the back, I struggle; then half-fall as I launch myself off of him with my legs. He staggers back, and I scramble for purchase on the slick linoleum floors. Two men, one a few feet behind the other, charge towards me. I brace myself, making it look like I'm about to take the first one's charge full on, then pull away and flatten myself against the wall as he runs right past me. I hear a satisfying crunch and take a moment to look back; he's run full-on into a janitor's cart. Now for the second one. I've never been in a fight before, and I'm not sure exactly what to do next, but luckily adrenaline makes me act without thinking. Like football player; I crouch down in a fighting stance, keeping my head up and planting my feet firmly in the ground. When the man comes at me full-on, going for a tackle, I elbow him hard in the ribs and turn myself around. Unfortunatly, in what's most likely am anger-induced accident, he manages to punch me full-on in he face.
I always thought getting punched would hurt, but it doesn't. Well, not at the moment of impact. It's like my brain switched off my senses so I don't get overloaded. At that moment I feel invincible, like I can get out of this alive. I detect movement in the corner of my eye and duck, just missing the reach the man who fell into the janitor's cart made to grab me. I whip around and shove him hard in the chest, and to my surprise this catches him slighty off-guard and he stumbles back right into the man who punched me. I can feel blood run down my face, but I don't care. I can take care of it as soon as I'm free. I turn back around to see more men, who are all wearing the same thing as the men I just fought; white scrubs. They just stare, and I can't imagine what I must look like. Crazy probably.
I feel like an animal, aware of every sound, sight and smell; ready to fight or flee at the slightest sign of trouble. Someone else comes at me, ready to attack, and before I know what I'm doing I grab the figure by the collar and get ready to punch. But I faintly realize I'm grabbing a suit-jacket, not the cotton of someones scrubs. I'm about to punch Haley. She cringes, bracing herself for the punch. But I can't do it. I don't know if it's because I know her name or what, but I can't hurt her. That moment of hesitation is my mistake. One of the men grabs me from behind, pinning my arms down. I thrash from side to side but it's no good, I'm trapped. I feel the prick of a needle somewhere near the crook of my elbow. There is no pain, but something worse. A creeping numbness through my body, the sensation that I'm being damaged beyond repair. I put the last of my energy into one more pathetic bid for escape, and manage to push off with my legs. The wall-like man behind me doesn't budge. The last thing I see is Haley, a look of pure disapointment on her face. The room goes dark; although from the ringing in my ears, the pounding in my chest, and the dull thud of cold pain as the floor comes up to meet me I know it's not the lights.
When I open my eyes the lights are too bright, and I have to snap my eyes shut almost as soon as they ease open. I can hear voices, muffled but at the same time loud enough that I wish they would go away. The left side of my face stings, and there's a deep pain that runs down my spine. I try and shift my weight to get more comfortable, but I stop as soon as I feel the cold sting of an IV in my arm. Maybe I shouldn't have fought. Maybe it would have been better to sit somewhere and stay very still; then maybe they would have left me alone. Still, even that probably wouldn't have saved me. Eventually the door on the other side of the room opens, and a scrawny man in a suit walks in. His glasses are perched on the end of his nose, there's a clipboard in his hands and Haley trails behind him like a faithful dog. The man in the suit looms over me, studying me like I'm a piece of meat.
"I'm telling you, there's no way he can go to a court hearing anytime soon" Haley says dully, as if she's been saying this all day.
"Dr. Shay" the man says gently "you're new here, and in no position to challenge anything. The boy's a criminal".
The last sentence hits me like a train. I desperately try and think of any way out of it, any way his words aren't true. But that last sentence is like a scream in my head that won't stop echoing. It couldn't have been me…was I framed? I would never do anything that's against the law! Sure, I've broken rules at school, but that's different! What he says can't be true!
After a moment the man steps back, then says to Haley "Why don't we talk outside?". She nods, them throws me a look of worry as she follows him out. I'm left behind, unable to move. My bones feel like they've been turned to lead. Surely I can't be the criminal…it's them! Not me! It's whoever sent me here that's the criminal!
Outside I can hear more voices, but I hardly care. I reach up, trying to yank the IV from my arm. There's no way I'm letting them pump me full of whatever they want, already I feel like they've broken and tamed me. But my hands are numb, and I can't seem to even find it on my arm. I can't get my eyes to focus, and after a minute I give up. What would I do even if I could escape? There's no way I would make it even a foot down the hallway, especially not in this state. And what would I even do if I was free from this room? My first thought is to get to the roof, do the unthinkable so they can't get to me ever again…but to be honest I don't think I could bring myself to do that. Oh well, it doesn't matter. They took everything I care about away…my Mum, Dad and James. I don't even know what I'm fighting them for, I don't have anything left to go back to. All I can do now is wait to die, which shouldn't take long. No matter what they do, they can't keep someone who wants to die alive.
James Fallon
The morning mist hasn't even cleared up by the time I set out. It's early, but as I sneak out the back door I catch a glimpse of Dawn's mother. She's shorter than me, with dark skin and eyes; her long hair in cornrows. She's taking the trash out, and as I cross the yard and go out the door of the fence her eyes lock on me. As always, she looks like she wants to say something, but instead acts like she hasn't seen me. I know why she does it; Dawn must have told her why I'm here. About what I did to Matt. She doesn't know what to say to me, which is fine by me.
I've been at Dawn's house for three days. Surprisingly, I've barely spoken to her or anyone in her family the whole time. I think Dawn knows I want to be alone; so she leaves me be. I don't stay in the house during the day. Even though it's large, too large for the little family of three that lives there, it feels like a coffin to me. I can't stay there, or I feel like I'll go mad. Luckily their house is right on a strip of beach, which is so vast in both directions I can walk down it and never be found. Sometimes I want to keep walking and never come back. Not that Dawn's family is unkind; because they are. The few times I've seen Dawn's mother she had spoken kindly to me. And Dawn's father, a dark-haired man with slanted eyes, always gives me a reassuring smiles whenever I see him. But I know everything they do, every kind gesture they make, is all fake. Dawn must have given them warning that I'm not taking Matt's institutionalization well. They're trying to be nice to because they feel bad for me. Well, I don't need that. I've had enough of that from the looks people gave me at the hospital the few times I visited Dawn. I have enough pity to last a lifetime.
I clear the yard and go straight to the sand just beyond, staying well away from the water and heading right. I still have sand in my trainers from the past two days, but I hardly care. I can keep walking in this direction all day and no one can stop me.
Well, that's what I think, until I feel something cold and wet on the back of my hand. I turn around to see a dog, medium sized with light gingery hair, standing behind me. It's a little Shiba Inu, Dawn's dog. He barks, and I freeze. The thing follows Dawn everywhere, and wherever he is she can't be far behind. I try and shush him, but I can't remember his name to give him a command. I doubt he would listen to me anyways; I was never really good with animals.
That's when I hear it, the sound of someone clicking their tongue. The dog stops barking and turns to the figure emerging out of the mist behind us. It's Dawn, I can tell from here.
"Ichigo!" she calls, and the dog turns and trots towards her. I don't dare move, and a second later Dawn and the dog have caught up to me. For a while we walk in silence, neither of us speaking. Ichigo walks slightly ahead of us in the mist, like some kind of ghostly spirit guide.
"Where on earth–" I say quietly "–did you come up with a name like 'Ichigo'?".
She beams, clearly pleased that I'm actually speaking for once. "My Dad got him for me from Japan when he was staying in Kyoto a few years back" she says "'Ichigo' is Japanese for 'Strawberry'". She nods to the dog. I'll admit, his fur is a bit of a red color. Sort of Strawberry-Blondish.
After a while Ichigo, as if wanting us to follow him, heads towards the water. Dawn seems to panic for a moment, then starts to run towards where Ichigo disappeared to. "He can't swim!" she says desperately. I run after her, and she leads me out to a small fishing dock, but Ichigo's nowhere to be found. I frantically look around, until I see a little red form in the water; happily paddling through the waves.
"Why…" I turn to Dawn to ask her why she would lie; but I know as soon as I see her face. She wants to talk to me alone, somewhere where she can almost trap me so I won't run off.
"I just wanted to ask you how you were doing" she says in a sugar-coated voice that's so unlike her own.
"I'm fine".
"I think we both know that's a lie" she says sharply.
"Really, I am. I couldn't care less about what the rest of my family's doing" I respond a little too forcefully.
"I know you care, you're not made of stone after all".
Anger flares inside me. Who does she think she is to act like she knows? "Yeah, well, maybe I wish I was".
"Oh, so you'd rather feel nothing at losing your brother? Forget him completely? You have to feel, James. It's natural. You're still human. You have blood and bones. You have a mind and feelings, and everything that you've done doesn't make you any less human. It doesn't turn you to stone. It may seem bad now, like there is no way out if this, but there is". She stops, and for a moment I think she's done. "You're strong James, I know you are. I know what you've done. You grew up knowing your parents might not come home one day. You moved up a grade when you were only seven. You stay up late every night, because your greatest fear is of the unknown; of someone coming to take everything you care about away. You had Aspergers syndrome, but somehow you beat it".
My heart stops for a moment. When did she find out? Did she become suspicious when I panicked while she was looking through school medical records for Sayu? Or has she always known? "You knew?" I manage to choke out.
"I've always known. I'd be stupid not to pick it up; and I did my research before I started looking for you. You have a tendency to slouch. You make a greater effort to pick up on social cues, which is why you read people better than most. You're a little clumsy, and are almost obsessed with becoming a detective". I look down at me feet in shame. What do I do now? Is she going to act like every teacher I've ever had who's known; treat me like I'm retarded? Like I'm stupid or ignorant? "But I don't care, in fact, I admire you for it" she continues "When you were diagnosed as a child, your mother couldn't accept it. She took you out places, taught you all the social behaviors you wouldn't normally pick up on. In a way, you were trained to be a profiler from childhood. It's in your blood and your brain. You beat your disorder, and you kept it a secret from everyone. Socially, I don't think anyone would know you have it. But it's why you're so smart". She smiles rather sheepishly. "All this stuff I know, it makes me feel like a creeper. I know more about you than the friends you grew up with, but yet, I don't even know your middle name. I couldn't find it on any file, and I couldn't find your birth certificate for some reason".
"It's Kenneth"
"Huh. Not what I was expecting. You don't look like a James-Kenneth-Fallon" she says with a slight smile.
"I was named after my dad's best friend, but he died long before I was born" I explain. "Now since you know mine, what's yours?".
Dawn's cheeks burn so red I swear anyone within a mile radius of here could see it through the mist. "Natara. My birth mother never gave me a middle name, and my adopted parents thought it would be appropriate".
I nod, leaning against the side of the dock, watching Ichigo try and chase a seagull not far ahead of us. For the first time since I started suspecting Matt, I feel relaxed. Like I'm not running from my problems anymore.
"I know about the nightmares" she says eventually "Do you want to talk about it?"
Nightmares. What sixteen year old boy complains about them? But I have the same reoccurring ones every night. My parents dying. Sometimes Matt kills them, sometimes Matt is killed also. Sometimes I dream that Matt is dead. That he took his own life, or he was killed that fateful day. Sometimes Dawn dies. Sometimes it's myself, but during those dreams I always manage to take someone with me.
"I don't know what you're talking about".
"James…just stop. You're a terrible liar. It's okay to talk about it. You've been through a lot recently, and it's nothing to be embarrassed about".
But I do feel embarrassed about it. I can't just wish that feeling away. "Dawn…just stop. I just can't…".
"Talk to me, James. I want to help you".
"I don't think you can".
"Please…".
Her eyes widen and she tilts her head to the side in concern. But for some reason this just ticks me off. How does she even know about all this? What is she, a mind reader? Without another word I walk away, leaving her behind. I hear her call after me, but all I yell back is "Just go away, Dawn!".
"No, James, listen to me!" she sprints across the sand, and I can see a very wet Ichigo making his way towards us. She catches up to me, quickening her pace so she can keep up with me. "I feel like I'm losing you. The real you. What happened to the level-headed genius I used to know?". There's the slightest hint of sarcasm in her voice. I'm reminded forcefully of my father. "This isn't you. I know what you're going through. I understand. I want to help you. Please—"
Anger boils inside me again. Why can't she just leave me alone? Doesn't she get it? My family's being torn apart! My whole life is ruined, shattered like glass! "What do you know? Little-miss-rich-girl has everything she wants!" I snap. It's mean, but it's true. She has two parent's that love her, a big house, good grades and a faithful dog.
If what I said hurt her at all, then she's very good at hiding it. When she speaks, her voice is soft. "I know what it's like to have everything taken right out from under you. I know what it's like to find yourself questioning everything, even your childhood. I know what it's like to feel like life is spinning out of control".
This does nothing to calm me down, in fact, if anything this makes me angrier. Doesn't she get it? Whatever she went through isn't the same! "What do you know? Nothing! You'll never understand!" I snap.
"Oh, I won't? Fine then! Go sulk by yourself. Keep acting like you're all alone, like I didn't even try and help you! I want to make you feel better, but if you don't want that, go on and keep acting all misunderstood! Fine by me!" she practically yells. I freeze. It's the first time I've every heard her this angry. When I look back at her…well, all I can say is if looks could kill I would be dead ten times over by now.
For a moment we just glare at each other, but I can slowly feel my anger leak out of me. I wish I wouldn't have shouted at her; she's only trying to help.
Suddenly, she starts to laugh. More of a snicker really, but a laugh all the same. "Look at us" she says eventually "We're fighting like an old married couple".
Before I know it I'm laughing too, not so much from what she said, but because for the first time I actually feel like one day things will get better. She's given me hope. We walk back to her house, Ichigo at our heels, both of us happier than when we left. The fog is clearing up by the time we reach her house, and as I reach over to unhook the latch on the gate she very suddenly puts her hand on top of mine.
"I know it hurts right now" she says with a gentle smile "but sometimes pain is the only thing letting you know you're still alive".
Before I can respond the back door bursts open, and Dawn's mother sprints out to us; the house phone in her hand.
"J-James" she stutters. She bites her lip, clearly unsure how to get out why she wants to say. "It's your brother. H-He's dying".
