--Rated M for violence and language--
12
Broken
Lifehouse
The broken clock is a comfort
My scream has become a constant echo in my head. Alastair's awful grin would remain there forever. It was like he knew how to bring the most awful parts of Hell right here. But he couldn't go to the extent he did down there. He couldn't kill me. That was Sam's job. My evil little brother's job.
In a way I welcomed this. It was my fault that Sam was this way, this was atonement for what I had done in Hell, and this is what I got for Lauren. I didn't get a chance to tell her I forgive her. And I do. I don't blame her for what happened. I'm not angry with her, or Sam either.
But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Because it does. Almost as much as the salt that's being thrown into my open wounds.
It helps me sleep tonight
Laughter fills my ears with that awful scream tearing from my throat.
This is Hell. This is justice. I deserve this. And Alastair knows that's how I feel.
Another handful is tossed mercilessly onto my naked chest, scattering through the deep cuts that he has already inflicted on me. I can't help but scream. I haven't begged yet. But that's sure to come if this goes on longer.
"Sam killed your girl." Alastair says, grinning broadly at me.
Maybe it can start tomorrow from stealing all my time
"No," I croak, her face flashing in front of my eyes. "No, you're lying." His grin broadened.
"You didn't hear all that noise outside earlier?" He asked rhetorically. I swallowed. I'd heard it. "That was the crowd out there, wanting Sam to cut her pretty little neck. And he did. That bitch is dead."
"Don't you call her that!" I choked, jerking toward him. It was an empty threat, and he knew it.
And I am here still waiting
"What are you gonna do, yell me to death. You're mine, Dean. Again."
He pulled a knife out of the burning coals he had placed it in earlier and walked toward me. I stared at it, terrified of that orange glow. He pressed it to my skin to prove his point. I was his.
Though I still have my doubts
I screamed at the ceiling, wishing that I had never come here.
Lauren's dead…it's all my fault. If I wouldn't have come here, if I wouldn't have made her come here, she'd be alive.
I should have stayed at that motel room, with her in my arms. We didn't have Sam, and we didn't have our daughter, but we had each other, as stupid as that sounds. The knife touches my cheek, sending the scent of my own burning flesh up my nose as he branded me again.
"JUST KILL ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" I roared. He chuckled.
I am damaged at best
"Only Sam is allowed to do that. And I'm not done with you." He turned away from me. I pulled weakly at the shackles binding me here. They merely rattled. Alastair shook his head, an amused smile stretching across his awful lips.
I was ready to die. I wanted to die. Then I could go back where I belonged for what I did. Please, someone kill me. After letting Her die, I should be tortured for all eternity, and Alastair should be the one to do it. Please, kill me. Kill me! Or this guilt will.
Like you've already figured out
Alastair turned back to me, a pair of pliers in his hands. I trembled, my eyes never leaving the dreadful instrument. He grabbed one of my hands, looking directly in my eye as he did so. I fought against him feebly. But what was about to happen was inevitable. The pliers closed around my fingernail. Alastair pulled.
I'm falling apart
One by one he pulled my nails out. And when he was done my throat was on fire and my voice only came out as a tiny whisper. I was crying without realizing it.
"You're pathetic!" He said, disgusted. He backhanded me. My mouth filled with blood. Then he was grinning at me again. "But, you know all of this can stop right now."
My chest heaved as I looked back at him. Not this again. Don't give me this option again.
"I can let you down right now. I can take you to the infirmary and have you fixed up real quick. No more pain, no more torture. All you have to do is hurt the other miserable bastards that have found themselves to be caught down here. That's all, Dean. Whaddaya say?"
I'm barely breathing
I spat the blood that had collected between my lips in his face. He stiffened. A handkerchief was conjured out of nowhere and he wiped his face.
"Fuck you." I gulped. He glared at me, seething.
"I'm sorry to hear that, Dean," He turned away from me again. " I really am." Something sharp slashed my stomach. A loud crack filled the room.
I was blinded for a moment by the searing pain. When the fog cleared I saw the bullwhip come at me again. This time it struck my neck, slicing the skin just under the main artery.
The fifth time was when I started to beg.
With a broken heart
"Please, please, Alastair, no. No more, please!"
SNAP!
My chest screamed at me. My brain told me it needed to stop. This pain needed to stop, it couldn't take it.
SNAP!
Lauren, please…help me…
She's dead…
No, don't let it be true…don't say that, please!
SNAP!
That's still beating
She really did want Sam. That's why-
NO! She said she didn't!
And you didn't tell her you forgave her. You bastard.
SNAP!
You better not fight back against that whip. It's better than you deserve. You killed her…
I didn't mean to, I didn't know!
MURDERER!
SNAP!
"NOOOOOO!!"
In the pain
My chest was even more shredded that it had been.
SNAP!
My leg.
"Please, oh god, please, Alastair, no more. Please, please, please!"
Chuckle.
SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!
"PLEASE!"
There is healing
SNAP!
Nicked my cheek.
Stop begging, you deserve this!
Please…I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Baby…
In your name
"I'm so sorry. Baby…"
SNAP!
"That won't bring her back, Dean!"
SNAP!
I find meaning
"Please…"
SNAP!
Lauren, you're gone. I'm so sorry.
I killed you. I killed you. I killed you…
MURDERER!
SNAP!
So I'm holding on, I'm holding on, I'm holding on
"You killed her, Dean. All your fault." His voice rings truth. He knows what I've done. He knows this is right.
SNAP!
I'm barely holding on to you
The broken locks were a warning
I can't see anymore. The fog's too thick. Someone help me.
I know there's angels now. Aren't they supposed to help people?
They know too. Murderers don't get to go to Heaven.
You killed the woman you loved the most.
SNAP!
She did nothing but love you as much as you needed to be. You're selfish. You pathetic waste. She deserved more. She deserved someone that could take care of her right. That's why she went to Sam. Don't you see?
SNAP!
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
Yes. I see.
You didn't take care of Sammy either.
The voice changed to my father's.
WHAT DID I TELL YOU, BOY?!
SNAP!
WATCH OUT FOR YOUR BROTHER!
SNAP!
WATCH OUT FOR SAMMY!
SNAP!
YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!
SNAP!
"Please! Alastair, I'm begging you…stop."
SNAP!
My legs stopped working. I hung there, supported by chafing metal. The bloodied whip came toward me again.
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Somebody help me.
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life
SNAP!
Anybody.
SNAP!
Please.
I've been here all night. And today. I can't take anymore. Please…
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
I leaned my head against the wall behind me, leaving my throat vulnerable to take the next blow.
"Oh, god…" I moaned.
"God's not here."
With a broken heart
That's still beating
SNAP!
"Please…" Blood flows past my lips. Unbridled tears leak from my eyes.
SNAP!
"I think thirty's good." Alastair grinned. He dropped the whip, which was drenched in my blood. I sobbed, uncaring that he could hear me.
In the pain
Is there healing
In your name
Is there meaning
"Just take the deal, Dean," Alastair said. "You did it once, why can't you do it again?" I looked up at him, tearing away from my shame.
So I'm holding on, I'm holding on, I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
"I'm n-not a mon-monster l-like you." I tried to sound strong, defiant. But my voice was a quiet whimper.
He grabbed my face. I cringed away from him but he held me fast.
I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging onto the words you say
"Yes you are."
"N-no!"
You said that I would be okay
Broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
"You sliced into those people with a big ass grin on your face," He drew my face terrifyingly close to his. His eyes rolled back and turned white. "You liked it."
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home
"No, no I didn't! I didn't want to-"
"Oh yes you did," He chortled. "Admit it."
The door at the other end of the room opened.
Alastair spun around, dropping my face. I let my head hang, exhausted.
I'm falling apart
"You." The demon spat.
"Let him go."
"No."
"Let him go, or Sam gets to deal with you."
"What makes you think I'll believe that?"
I heard paper rustling. I hardly paid attention to what was being said. God, it hurt so much to inhale.
I'm barely breathing
"Take him." Alastair's voice was dangerously quiet.
Footsteps approached me. I didn't have the strength to look up at this person. A soft hand lifted my chin.
"Baby!" I breathed.
With a broken heart
"I'm so sorry, Dean. God, I'm so sorry. It didn't mean anything, I swear." Lauren assured. I leaned into her hand, swallowing the large lump in my throat.
"I forgive you. I never blamed you." I said softly.
That's still beating
The shackles came off of my wrists and dropped me into her arms.
I sobbed against her, hugging her.
"Thank you," I whispered. "Thank you, thank you…"
"For what?"
"Saving me…Fr-from another Hell."
In the pain
I could feel her eyes looking me over, seeing the damage Alastair had done.
"You mother fucker!" She screamed.
"D-don't!" I pleaded. She was alive, and I wanted to keep it that way.
Is there meaning
I gasped when a gray wave of pain hit me.
"Shh…" Her soothing voice. "I have to take you to Sam," I looked up at her. "But I won't let him do anything to you. I promise."
So I'm holding on, I'm holding on, I'm holding on
She touched my cheek, catching a tear. I lunged at her, kissing her deeply.
"Shh…" She whispered once we broke apart. "Let's go." I gripped her tighter.
I'm barely holding on to you
"He can't hurt you, Baby. I swear to you I won't let him." I kissed her again.
"You were dead." I croaked. She smiled knowingly and kissed me.
"Sam stopped the blade before it could kill me."
She hauled me up as carefully as she could, and I tried hard to support at least some of my weight.
So I'm holding on, I'm holding on, I'm holding on
"I won't let anyone else hurt you, Dean." She said quietly.
She didn't know what Sam was going to do.
And I didn't know fully. But I had an idea. But at least I knew it was coming.
I held her tighter, closing my eyes and focusing on her warmth. She would keep me strong. For now.
I'm barely holding on to you
