A/N: I'm sorry it's been a couple of days guys but here I present to you a long and well awaited chapter that I actually quite like! I certainly enjoyed writing it a lot! I hope you guys enjoy reading it! Thank you so so so much for all the reviews they honestly mean the world to me!

Just a quick little note I wanted to say that this fic is rated M for good reason! This is going to be fairly graphic in terms of sexual content, language (as I'm sure you've noticed), abuse and some others things. Just a heads up! Stay safe my little beauties xx

Enjoy!

~O~

Maddy loved events. She loved holidays. She loved birthdays and Halloween and Valentines Day and Pentecost, but most of all she loved Christmas. The decorations and the lights, the snow and the presents. Everything. The annual Christmas Party at her apartment complex was one of her favourite events, although she had only attended it one other time, the year previous. She loved the people in the building and Harold always let her help with the decorations and do them however she wanted. It was held in the large basement down the bottom of the building, swept out and cleared of any boxes. Maddy always made it look beautiful. But that year, she wasn't quite feeling her usual Christmas cheer. Ellie was annoyed at her for hooking up with Luke, because apparently he and Ellie's friend Allison had a 'thing' (which Maddy didn't really see how it was her fault considering she had no idea about it and Luke had conveniently not mentioned it, but Maddy felt bad all the same. Allison was a nice girl). She still wasn't speaking to her father and she wasn't sure how she was going to cope with that, having never spent a Christmas without him. And, lastly, she still hadn't spoken to Bucky. Not a single word. She'd seen him, once, as he was entering his apartment just as she was exiting hers. She'd smiled at him and opened her mouth to say something, but, for once, no words had come out and he'd simply walked by with a small, polite nod before closing his door behind him. The encounter left her with tears in her eyes and a weight in her stomach.

Nonetheless, she put on a smile and organised Secret Santa at her work. She decorated her apartment and forced Gabe and Marcus to put up decorations as well. She bought Julie's cat, Polly, a little Christmas bell for her collar and she helped Harold shop for the decorations for the party. Eventually, Ellie showed up on her doorstep and before Maddy could say a word, her best friend was hugging her and kissing her cheek and saying that she was sorry. They made up, easily, and went shopping for hours. Maddy told her everything that had happened with Bucky and Ellie looked suitably furious at him, saying all the things best friends were supposed to say, like Maddy deserved better and he wasn't that hot anyway ("Ok, that's a lie, but it doesn't matter," Ellie had admitted.) and that if he didn't want her that was his problem. It didn't feel like his problem, but Maddy smiled at her nonetheless. Then Maddy went to the manor and told her father that she loved him, although they would have to sort out the issue of his occupation eventually because Maddy was sick and tired of being in danger. Henry hugged his daughter tightly and promised her that they would discuss it after Christmas and come to an agreement (Maddy knew it was false hope, she knew he was too far in the drug industry to ever really get out, but she wanted to have a good Christmas, so she let herself pretend for a little while).

With her best friend and father back on side, there was only one issue left, only one thing preventing her from having a happy, worry free Christmas; Bucky. She still hadn't spoken to him and she was beginning to register that only in having lost him and his presence, did she realise how big a part of her life he had become. He was always there after a long day at work and their training sessions together always made her laugh and sweat and feel funny in her stomach from his hands on her body.

She missed him. Agonisingly so. She missed his soft jokes and the way she could talk to him about near anything and the way he looked at her, like she was everything good in the world. Part of her wished she could just rewind time and take back her attempt to kiss him, but mostly she just wished things were simpler. If he didn't like her in that way, if he just wanted to be friends and nothing more, she could live with that. It would hurt, but she could live with it. But the way he looked at her, the way he ran his hands over her and his pupils blew wide with lust whenever he saw her in something revealing….It made it clear to her that he didn't want to just be friends. And that was the hard part - knowing that he wanted more, knowing that she wanted more, and not being able to have more despite it.

The day of the building Christmas Party, exactly one week before Christmas itself, Maddy was busy setting up decorations. Julie was making most of the food - puddings and cookies and turkeys. Maddy helped her carry it all down and set it up on the tables and by the time she was done, she realised she only had half an hour to get ready. Hurrying up to her apartment, she threw on her emerald green dress and pulled on a low pair of heels - it was supposed to be fairly casual after all. For a finishing touch, she grabbed her Santa hat, which she would adamantly wear from then till Christmas and walked out of her apartment. She hesitated, looking at Bucky's closed door. She worried her bottom lip - was he coming? Harold usually forced everyone to come, said it was mandatory.

Abruptly, Bucky's door swung open and he stepped out, his hands stuffed in his hoodie pockets. Her face lit up, but nerves were swirling in her stomach. He noticed her and froze. He looked tired and he hadn't shaved in a fair while. His cheeks were sunken in a bit and it made Maddy's chest ache with worry.

"Hey," she chirped, taking a step toward him before hesitating and stopping, leaving a large amount of distance between them, a distance that felt near infinite, impenetrable.

"Hey," his voice was gravelly and he was still frozen to the spot, staring at her like he wasn't quite sure what to do with her. She played with the material of her dress nervously.

"You're coming to the party right? The basement looks amazing, twinkly lights and all. And the food looks so good too - Julie cooked most of it," she smiled.

"I was just heading down," he confirmed.

"Great," she said and there was a moment of tense silence. Her smile slipped a little and she wanted to hug him, to kiss his cheek and his jaw and tell him she was sorry, sorry that there was so much distance between them, that she could hardly breathe because he wasn't close enough. She didn't do any of that though, of course. She simply stood there until he stepped forward cautiously before motioning for her to go down the steps first.

She let out a small breath, her lips pulling up at the sides. Ever the gentlemen. She walked down the staircase and he followed, at a safe distance behind.

When they reached the basement it was full to the brim with people - Bucky and Maddy were a few minutes late. Bucky looked somewhat startled, perhaps he hadn't expected everyone in the building to show up. Maddy gave him an encouraging smile and they walked into the room side by side. Within minutes Maddy was swept away by Elena and Maria, two middle aged women who thought the world of young Madelyn.

Bucky was quickly caught up in a conversation with Julie and a young couple who were introduced as Ana and Andrew. Bucky couldn't help his eyes constantly seeking out Maddy every few moments, looking around the room until he spotted her and then resting his gaze on her for longer than was probably socially acceptable. She was laughing with two women, her silly Santa hat hiding a majority of her hair, that was tucked up underneath it. He could feel his body aching to be near her own and had to physically force himself to stay put each time his feet, of their own accord, nearly walked straight over to her.

Maddy was, of course, feeling the exact same. She wanted to check on him, make sure he was alright and not too overwhelmed. She had to remind herself that he didn't want her to do that, didn't want her at all. It was like a punch to the gut.

More than halfway into the party, Harold stood on the table and made a speech, as he did every year. He gushed about the building's history and got teary eyed as he spoke about how much he loved everyone.

Maddy glanced over to where Bucky stood, a few people to her right. He was looking at Harold like he was the craziest and weirdest thing in the entire world (And that was including the aliens that had come to light in 2012). Maddy had to slap a hand across her mouth to keep from bursting out laughing and, as if Bucky could sense her gaze, he turned his head to look at her as well. As soon as he saw her giggling form, his own eyes lit up in amusement and she saw him bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing as Harold blundered on.

When, after a seemingly eternity long speech, Harold jumped down from the table and the room exploded back into chatter, Maddy burst out laughing, not being able to hold it in for a second longer. She looked up to see Bucky, still a few feet away, was chuckling hard as well. He came toward her and they continued to laugh for a solid minute. She hadn't seen him laugh that much since she'd met him.

"Does he always do that?" Bucky asked between fits of amusement.

"Last year he had to excuse himself because he started sobbing," Maddy managed to reply. This caused Bucky to burst out laughing once more and they stood together, cackling until finally the hilarity died down and they were left, small smiles still on their faces, staring at each other.

Bucky's smile slowly slipped and he gulped. "Maddy.." He murmured.

"Please talk to me," she burst out. "You not talking to me is killing me. I didn't realise how much- I didn't know that it would mean so much, that you would mean so much, but now you're not here and you're not talking to me and I-I miss you Bucky and-"

"Shh, shh," he hushed her, wrapping his hands around her arms and stepping closer. "I know. It's just-"

"Hey Maddy!" Marcus's loud voice interrupted him and she peered over to where he stood with Gabe and a few other tenants, looking decidedly unimpressed.

Maddy glared at him and turned back to Bucky. "Just one minute," she promised him and hurried over to Marcus and his boyfriend. "What?" She hissed, knowing what words were going to come out of his mouth before he even said them.

"Why are you talking to him?" Marcus demanded in a quiet voice.

"You know damn well why I'm talking to him," Maddy said, although not meanly. "He's my friend."

"He made you cry," Marcus retorted.

"He did not! When did I cry?" Maddy protested. Marcus raised an eyebrow disbelievingly.

"You're telling me you haven't cried over him?" Marcus shot back. Maddy opened her mouth to say, yes damn straight that's what I'm telling you, but she couldn't bring herself to lie. She had cried, more than once, sobbing in a heap on her cold, tiled shower floor, letting the water wash away the mascara on her cheeks. But it wasn't like that was a rare occurrence, fight with Bucky or not. "He put you through hell and then as soon as it suits him, he comes running back? That's manipulative."

"It's not like that!" Maddy hissed. "He's not a manipulative person. Back off." She spun on her heel and marched off, back toward where Bucky was now hunched over against a wall, staring at her intently. She already felt bad for snapping at Marcus, who she knew was just trying to look out for her. But she wouldn't let anyone bad mouth her Bucky, her broken, beautiful, kind Bucky. She had opened her mouth to say to Bucky that they should go find somewhere to talk, but he beat her to it.

"I made you cry?" He had a horrible, pained look on his face, like the idea was so harrowing to him that he might just fall over and die. How had he heard their conversation? What, did he have super hearing or something?

She gulped. "A lot of things make me cry," she offered. He gave her a disbelieving look. "I just don't do it in front of other people…well, not usually."

"I fucked up," he muttered. He let his head fall into his hands and he scrubbed at his eyes rather violently. "I fucked up really bad, Maddy."

"Buck, hey," she cooed, enclosing his glove clad hands in her own, pulling them away from his face and wishing they were alone so that she could take the stupid gloves off and feel his skin, run her fingers over the smooth metal. "It's going to be ok. I'm not mad at you."

"You should be," he immediately said. "You should be furious. It's not fair on you. None of this is."

She laughed a little and he stared up at her like she was crazy. "You're so dramatic," she pointed out.

"I don't deserve you," he muttered.

"Drama queen," she countered, stepping closer to him. He sighed, but it was a fairly happy sigh. He threaded his fingers through hers.

"I miss you," he said, very quietly. She smiled, happy and wide, shining brightly.

"You don't need to," she said. "I'm right here."

Yeah, he thought idly, for how long? But at that moment Bucky didn't care. He had his Maddy back and that was what was important to him. Christmas music was playing softly and she looked ridiculously adorable in her Santa hat.

"C'mon," he murmured and pulled her toward the centre of the room, where a few of the younger kids were dancing and playing.

"What are you-?" She was cut off when he, swiftly, spun her under his arm with practiced ease and she was flung right back into his chest, her hands instinctually landing on his shoulders. She looked up at him with wide, round eyes and a grin plastered on her open mouth, like he was some amazing mystery that she wanted to devote her life to solving. He smiled softly, ignoring the looks they were getting, and spun them both around. He remembered this, this was familiar to him - he remembered dancing with countless numbers of girls, charming the pants right off of them. It was different with Maddy though, she mattered more than any of them ever could. He danced with her until the music slowed and she rested her head on his chest, her arms wound around his neck. He breathed in her scent and closed his eyes.

He had thought that perhaps distancing himself from her would help ease his feelings for her, maybe make himself fall out of love with her. He had never been so wrong in his life. Distance really did make the heart grow fonder and as he held her close to his body, he vowed he would never stop loving her, even if they were yanked apart, even if he was forced to flee he would beg her to come with him and if he was arrested and thrown into jail (like he often believed he deserved) he would write her letters and beg her to come visit him. He was selfish. He knew that. If he was selfless, like Steve, then he would let her go. He would leave the apartment, leave the city and she would never see him again. But he was selfish and she was all that mattered to him and he would hold her close so long as she let him. The only thing in the world that he would allow to drive them apart were her wants and desires. If she ever discovered the truth and decided that she did not want a murderer, then he would let her go (but still think of her beautiful smile every day). Other than that, he vowed that nothing would set them apart. He breathed her in, pressing her body against his own, acutely aware of all the curious gazes on them, but not caring in the least. He was in love with her and he intended on being so for the rest of his life, however long or short that was.

"Let's go upstairs," he murmured into her ear. She looked at him and nodded in agreement. He led her out of the party and she ignored Marcus's disapproving gaze on her. They jogged up the steps, hand in hand, like a bunch of stupidly love sick teenagers. He pulled her against his chest outside of his door and looked down at her. He gently tugged her Santa hat off, letting her long hair tumble out from underneath it. He pulled off his gloves and stuffed them in his pocket before running his fingers through the brown locks.

"Bucky.." she sighed in pleasure, leaning further into him. He looked into her large, round amber eyes, studying them.

"Bambi," he cooed, remembering the nickname her father had used. Her cheeks blushed delicately and she glanced down as he felt his heart swell. He gently grasped her chin and tilted it so she was looking at him.

She cupped his jaw, tracing her fingers over his sharp cheekbones, sweeping her thumbs under the dark circles under his eyes. "Have you been sleeping?" She murmured.

His expression turned more serious. "How could I?" He questioned softly. "How could I when…." He trailed off for a moment. "I shouldn't have treated you the way I have. I shouldn't have ignored you. I was just-…Maddy, I don't want you to get hurt."

"Why would I get hurt? Bucky you wouldn't hurt me," she contended.

"You don't know that.." he said, leaning down and resting his forehead against her own. "You don't know what I am….what I'm capable of."

"I don't care," she whispered back fervently. "It doesn't…What does that even mean? I know you're capable of being kind and caring, I know you're capable of making me laugh and making me happy. That's enough for me - more than enough."

He clutched her close to him. He could hear the music from downstairs, could hear the chatter and laughter, but his sole focus was on her. "I-I used to be good," he promised her. He thought about the man he used to be, all charming smiles and wooing pick up lines. He wasn't even sure Maddy would have liked the popular, outgoing person he used to be. He knew he would have liked her though, would have chased her till the ends of the earth for a dance. "I used to be…more," He gulped and squeezed his eyes closed. She threaded a hand through his hair, wetting her lips.

"You're enough now," she promised. He opened his eyes and looked into hers.

I love you. The words were on the tip of his tongue, but for fear of scaring her away, he didn't say them aloud. Instead he swooped down and pressed his lips against her own in a searing, desperate kiss that he hoped communicated everything he was feeling. Her hand tightened in his hair and he couldn't help the groan it elicited from him. She kissed him back enthusiastically, gasping into his mouth as his tongue traced her teeth. His grip on her was almost bruising but nonetheless she clung to him tighter as he ran his hands over her waist and hips.

Finally, she thought as she smoothed her hand down his hard, metal shoulder and gripped his arm. His teeth nipped at her bottom lip and she whimpered. The sound made lust and want build in him and he could hardly believe how absolutely brilliant her lips felt, all soft and plump and his.

His stubble was brushing against her delicate skin and she couldn't get enough of it, enough of him. She deepened the kiss, feeling emotions well up inside of her.

"You're so beautiful," he mumbled into her mouth and she felt tears invade her eyes, one slipping down her cheek. Bucky jerked back when he felt the wetness, looking alarmed. She opened her eyes and brushed away the tears. "Maddy…I-I didn't mean to- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to force-"

"Shh," she hushed him, kissing him hard and quick on the mouth. "I'm not sad, I'm just-…." She rested her cheek against his own, rubbing slightly and feeling his scruff. "I'm just happy," she said. "Happy like I haven't been in a long time."

He closed his eyes as he slumped against her in relief, scared there for a few moments that he'd somehow upset her. "I haven't been this happy in a really, really long time too," he whispered in her ear. He kissed her again and what was supposed to be a quick peck, turned into a drawn out movement, deep and brimming with unspoken emotions.

He reached behind him blindly, unwilling to break the kiss, and twisted the door handle to his apartment, pushing the door open. They stumbled back into the room, Maddy giggling against his lips. Once they were inside, he kicked the door closed and pressed her up against it, his arms pinning either side of her, his tongue tracing all over her mouth, his whole being encompassed in just Maddy. She pulled away, breathless and panting and rested her forehead on his shoulder. He wouldn't back off however. He moved his mouth to her jaw and kissed down her sweet skin, to her neck where he bit and made her gasp and moan as he sucked a bruise, marked her as his. Her hands slid under his shirt, grasping at smooth skin, hard muscle.

"Buck," she breathed out, pushing on him slightly. He immediately took a step back, letting his hands slide down the door to land on her waist.

"Ok?" he questioned, eyebrows pinching in slight worry. She nodded, although he could feel her small frame shaking.

"Yeah…Just…" she licked her bruised and red lips. "A bit overwhelmed," she admitted. She wasn't quite sure what she was feeling, although happy and elated were definitely in the mix, but there was something else, something stronger, something she had never felt before. And it was overwhelming. She needed a beat to process from going to not speaking at all to Bucky, to him pressing her up against things to kiss her passionately. She certainly liked the latter better.

He nodded in understanding, brushing his hand up and down her side, over her dress. She slipped her hands out from beneath his shirt and wound her arms around his neck, bringing her body back to be pressed against his once more. She slipped her face into the crook of his neck, kissing the skin there gently as he hugged her back tightly. He felt warm and safe, familiar. She finally felt at home, in a way she hadn't since her father had up and moved them to Romania over 6 years ago, leaving behind her childhood home and a lot, lot more.

She looked up and peered over Bucky's shoulder, at his dimly lit apartment. Her eyebrows furrowed and she pushed past him, breaking their hug as she frowned around the room. He watched her, confused.

"Where are your Christmas decorations?" She sounded shocked, like the bare apartment was an affront to her morals. He sighed, a small smile tugging at his lips.

"Nonexistent?" He tried. She shot him a scandalised look and marched right out of his apartment. He stood, frozen to the spot and in slight shock. Had she really just left because he didn't have any Christmas decorations up?

But he should have known her better than that, because not a minute later she was storming right back into his apartment, carrying a large box. She dropped it to the ground and then dropped onto her knees (and if Bucky thought of her doing that in a completely different scenario then he blamed it on the left over hormones raging in his body from their make out session) in front of the box and opened it. She pulled out a string of Christmas lights and a small Christmas tree that only reached Bucky's knee. He walked over to her and ran his hand over her head, massaging her scalp a little and smiling when she leaned into his touch, before dropping down beside her.

"Maddy, you don't have to-"

"Yes I do," she cut him off. "Christmas is my favourite holiday - it's the best time of the year! Everyone needs some Christmas decorations." He watched as she set up the little tree in the corner and wrapped the lights around it, plugging them into a powerpoint. He watched as her face lit up with a smile as the red and green lights lit up too.

He moved from his spot still next to the now empty box and went over to her and sat beside her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and pulling her gently into his side. "Thank you," he said quietly into her ear. He squeezed her tightly and closed his eyes, praying that he wouldn't wake and find all of this a dream. But Maddy stayed warm and real and she laughed and talked and he loved her with every beat of his broken heart.

~O~

A/N: OMG I hope you guys liked this cause I'm actually really happy with it I think ?

Anyway it would mean so so so much to me if you left A REVIEW PLEASE honestly they make my day and I think this is a pretty important chapter, so pretty please?

Thank you very much to all those who reviewed and favourited and followed so far, you all are wonderful. Until next time my lovelies xx