xii. snowdrift waltz
People, in the way they treat me, try to tell me that I'll end up alone if I don't get my act together. It's like they think they know me, like I can only attract and keep someone if I'm all smiles all the time. The truth is that I never cared about myself, or any of that. Not really. In a way I still don't, but I feel stronger, caring about you. I feel like I'm amounting to something far greater than I could've imagined, feeling the way I do about you. It makes my days brighter, gives me a reason to grow stronger.
I remember every single word I've written for you, but I can't remember the exact moment when I forgot myself. When you could look at me, and I could seriously wonder if my name had ever been Claire or not. It's like I've forgotten. Forgotten who I was, even after I became Lightning. I know who I am now, thanks to you. It's just that I have no idea how I went about my days before I felt this way about you.
The thing is, you have no idea. I try to write to you, but the words don't want to come out of my room and into your hands. I've written so many of these things and I haven't given any of them to you… When I even try to say to myself I'll send you a letter, all my resolve crumbles around me and I can't move. Nothing I write seems good enough for you. I don't know. Maybe I really am a coward and a blowhard…
Nothing…it's mysterious, unknowable, intangible. It's unique in that you can make it into what you want. It's something special you can have that no one else understands, because it's so particular to you. It's whatever you want it to be, whatever satisfies you. No one can look at it, scrutinize it; tell you that you're stupid for loving it the way you do. It's impossible to have, to a normal person. To someone normal, it's so unthinkable and unimaginable, and that's what makes it—and you—extraordinary. You're the same.
Fang…how I wish I could give you nothing.
In time with the small jerks of the speeding train moved Light's body as she sat otherwise motionless in the hushed locomotor, looking down at the paper in her gloved hands. The seats along both walls of the long vehicle were filled with soldiers as silent as her, as quietly apprehensive as her. There was only a faint light on, and no windows to look out of. They had already received their mission debriefing by the Lieutenant General who was to be the leader of their operations while in Lake Bresha.
While Lightning read over and over the months-old letter she had written to no one—for Fang—thoughts of lies consumed her. How she told her straight to her face that she wouldn't be gone for very long at all, when in fact her superior officer had made it quite clear that there was a lot to do, a lot to take care of while on this assignment—and it wasn't going to be pretty. A week or two? No, perhaps a month or two, at the earliest allowing them to be home to welcome the new year.
From the infectious insipidness about the rest of her elite regiment members, she likely was not the only one who had given her loved ones a false estimate of her safe return. The likeness was heavy, like a rain cloud. Dark as night, unsteady as the handwriting of the letter in her hands under her stoic gaze. Zack was next to her—she saw his curious eyes wandering, first to the date at the top of the paper, before reading its contents. Captain Agrias Oaks—the blonde interrogator from the other day—was also next to her, too caught up in her own thoughts to notice anything else. Lightning almost envied her.
Lieutenant General Delacour walked in the cabin suddenly, but of course startling no one. Those not asleep or dead to the world looked up before bowing their heads to her, but they were few. She looked displeased while she spoke loudly to the group, "Well aren't you all the lively crew? I'll be damned if you show any enthusiasm about this operation. Show some spirit already!"
Lightning calmly directed her attention to the General, as did the rest of the elites. Their leader began a slow pace down the aisle with her arms folded, looking to her left and right at everyone individually, "Granted enthusiasm and spirit is for enlisted recruits, not highly-trained officers, but you can't blame me for trying. I can't send you old cynics off without making sure you at least smile before leaving."
Many spared her a few chuckles, actually making her smile. Light nearly felt the mood of the entire cabin lift even more from her expression alone. "Look sharp, officers! We're to arrive soon. Once this is over, we'll have settled an ecological struggle that would've threatened the lives of all of Bodhum's citizens. We'll go home proud. Until then, I expect nothing less than your best effort. If I or Colonel Tingel see any slack from anyone, we'll arrange a train back home for you straightaway. Don't say I didn't warn you."
The cabin erupted in a synchronous "Sir!", from Light included, though she felt unfocused for the first time while on a mission. All she wanted to do was go back. Even if it was only to tell Fang the truth and be slapped by her for lying before returning to her duty, she harbored an aching need to see her—it was showing in her face, badly.
"Lieutenant Farron?" Her superior was looking down at her with a small scowl of concern. Light slowly returned her regard, now appearing hard as stone. Delacour gestured with her hand beckoningly, looking disheveled for a ghost of a second, "A word. Follow me."
Lightning stood with her letter, her boots sounding eerie in her ears while she followed after the General to the smaller, empty cabin at the far end of the train. She kept up with her military pace well enough, though she had no recollection of actually walking anywhere. It was a while before she realized she had stopped where her superior had led her, standing there like a dispassionate fool.
"So I see you love to read," Delacour began evenly before her tone grew scathing, "it's astounding! I think should've delegated you to office work in my absence instead of bringing you here!" Lightning didn't have the energy to do or say anything—she merely stood and took the grit of her superior's sneer right in her face, "You're distracted! I thought you said you were up for the job? Or did I mishear you?"
When Light couldn't even respond, the General's sneer vanished. She sobered, sounding sympathetic all of a sudden while she took the paper from the Lieutenant's flaccid hand, "What's the matter with you? You've gone and wilted on me…"
Her eyes moved down to the letter, reading it properly for the first time. Lightning could only wonder of the time, and if Fang had gone to bed yet or not, even while her superior read. Pride, embarrassment—what was it to her but two emotions she could never feel when it came to her proclivity? Everyone knew she felt something, yet only Zack—and now the General—knew a little more. They had learned so without her permission and without her negation. She understood well why it couldn't bother her.
Chanel finished reading. She turned and walked a little ways a way, standing there with her arms folded, holding the letter over the black sleeves of her bicep. "Lightning." The soft sound of her name brought her back to reality, made her regard her superior's backside in surprise, "Tell me why you're here."
"I'm here to do my job, to fulfill my duties as First Lieutenant in the Bodhum Security Regiment of the Guardian Corps. I'm here because this is an operation that calls for my skills in combat and espionage."
"And are you here because you want to be?"
"I want to protect the town, sir."
"But you don't physically want to be here." She faced Light once more, both of them appearing unemotional and unreadable. "Away from…your girlfriend. Do you?"
Lightning was still frightfully unconcerned while she said plainly, "No, General. I don't."
Delacour ran a hand through her long hair, ruffling it impatiently, "Did you not hear my speech earlier? If you don't want to be here you might as well stay on board to go back home!"
"I can't return home without ensuring that this operation is finished successfully, sir."
"Oh, so am I supposed to be the one who breaks the news to your family?" She was scowling again, very deeply at that, "Am I supposed to tell them that you lost yourself to the demons out there because you were an unfocused, lovesick fool while on the battlefield?"
"I think the General should have more faith in her subordinate who's willing to die for—"
"Will you stop that already, Farron! Do you understand the position I have? I don't allow myself to get close to any of you, because any day at any moment's notice, they might die, possibly even at my command! But when I read something like this, I have to wonder if you've ever let anyone in at all."
Light could not lie, "No, sir, I don't think I have. I can't. Not yet."
"Are you using this as an excuse not to? A reason to run away?"
She almost wanted to laugh—to her, that was a funny way of putting things. "General Delacour, I have nothing to run away from. I have nothing to return to either, not until this mission is over. My duties lie in Lake Bresha, under your command. I'll do whatever it takes to be able to return home, to make my family proud." Chanel looked unconvinced, and Lightning added: "To keep Fang protected."
"She hunts for a living, Lieutenant." She narrowed her eyes dangerously, "That's a sign that she can certainly do without your protection, especially at the risk of your life. You're being careless, and dare I say cocky." She waved the letter about her face, "Do you know what this tells me? You bottle things up, you can't let anyone in, and you're still green when it comes to your emotions. You're not used to feeling the way you do. I don't want her to be a distraction in any way."
"Fang is my biggest motivation," was all she could respond with. The General scowled and shook her head. Light nodded to the sizable diamond wedding ring on her finger, "You forgot to remove that, sir."
Chanel relaxed her face and used her thumb to turn the ring upside-down, returning the letter to Light. She too seemed oddly compliant to change the subject, "It's quite durable, I assure you. It hasn't failed me. I know I use my fists more than anything but I can never bring myself to take it off, no matter what."
Lightning felt the train slow down with her heartbeats. "That's funny, sir," A chilling surge overtook her, and she felt ironically empowered by it, knowing whole-heartedly the source. It was the same that made her speak proudly, "because neither can I…so, please, don't try and make me."
"Our objective is simple—search and seize any and all bioweapon manufacturers. We have Intel leading us to believe that they are all former members of PSICOM, with several bases possibly built underground. There are no remaining civilian survivors of the Purge. Destroy all bioweapons you come across. Attempt to arrest PSICOM members. If they resist, you have permission to kill. Return to camp when you can no longer go on without proper rest. With that said, I hope not to see most of you for several days."
Lightning's squad was simple and predictable—she was with Zack, under Captain Oaks' lead. She was but one rank lower than Agrias, and two higher than Zack, so the they knew each other quite well in their work and their combat skills. They had been together on smaller missions before, and they worked well—better than most—as the three youngest officers in the Bodhum Security Regiment. Light was still the only one of the three allowed a gunblade—the other two had their respective, unique swords.
Predictable was not correct in describing the operation thus far. Several days had indeed passed, and Light was sitting with her Captain at their temporary camp while Zack kept watch nearby. Atop a precipice they were, overlooking Lake Bresha's iridescently blue and white expanse. Since the saving of Cocoon, Lake Bresha had evolved from a mere lake of arcing riptides and old Pulse armaments turned to crystal, into a snowy expanse of unpredictable inclines and hidden pitfalls.
She and Agrias were literally sitting in crystal dust as cold as snow, as fine as grains of sand. Neither woman had exchanged a word, nor had Zack spoken up—they were merely in retreat as instructed by the Lieutenant General, waiting for their next orders. Lightning had her Ultima Weapon on her lap, gripping the handle impatiently every so often while they continued to wait and wait. She had tried to insist on keeping watch, mostly to keep herself busy, but the Captain had swiftly told her no.
What felt like hours ago, the three had been demolishing their way through several large, aquatic bioweapons in what felt like fruitless search for at least one underground base. The reason for the estimated length of the operation was due to the elusiveness of the manufacturers themselves. They had not come across not one PSICOM soldier. Lightning was growing tired of fighting deformed fish.
Y'know, it's nice when all you need to do is fight, and win. Nothin' else to worry about. It's simple!
Zack groaned loudly in irritation not too far from her. She looked up at him in his black body suit, watching him rub his bare muscular arms rapidly for warmth. Their breaths were coming out in vapor. He jumped up and down a little, his dark work boots causing grains of dust to float about. The huge sword on his back nearly pierced the ground he walked on while he approached, giving a salute.
"Something wrong?" Lightning asked, about to stand but the Captain placed a gloved hand on her bare shoulder. She regarded Agrias through her falls of blonde over her deep-set eyes while she stared straight ahead as though concentrating on something. "Or should I be asking you the same, Captain?"
Oh don't even start! Y'can't ignore me! Ignorin' what you need—who does that? Don't try and turn me into all the days you choose to ignore…you made me seem so much better than that.
Her no-nonsense tone was straightforward, "You should worry about yourself, Lieutenant. It's quite easy to tell when you're trying to avoid your thoughts. They show in your face instead." Light blanched, unable to say anything in response. She merely nodded to the woman in her elegant blue and white uniform. "Officer Fair, I implore you—if you cannot stand guard then I will have to take your place. I won't forgive you if the enemy ambushes us while you're trying to keep warm."
"But Captain," sighed Zack, tapping his finger over the teal stripes of his shoulder plate, "it's so cold here that my lights've been flickering on and off! I'm not saying I can't stand guard, that's not it!"
"Then what are you saying, Officer?" The luminous royal blue lines of her own plate went off and on momentarily. The blue of Lightning's followed suit. Oaks noticed the activity. "You're saying it's cold. I understand this. But the Lieutenant General has asked us to remain at this exact location. All we have to do is wait for the call, and we'll move out."
"My wireless hasn't been working," he went on, frowning sadly. Lightning's had been devoid of a signal since she'd stepped on the train. "You sure yours is? What if she called us but couldn't get through?"
It's like I can't even get through to you sometimes! Yeah, yeah you can try and keep me lyin' in the reeds all you want. Don't let me stop you. 'S all right, Lightning…even if it's all wrong. But am I wrong for bein' with a stoic? No. You're the one who needs to get your act together, not me!
Agrias pursed her lips, reaching in her pocket to retrieve her Guardian Corps wireless. Lightning had turned her head away, looking over at the Lake in all it's dreariness. There were small ambushes of Corps officers against bioweapons here and there, others excavating; all of it seemingly never-ending.
There was no source of light but for the brightness of the dust itself, casting a somber shadow about their forms while the Captain phoned in to her superior Colonel Tingel easily enough. They exchanged brief conversation about the state of Zack's wireless and the squad's still-paused operations before hanging up.
"So I guess I'm just outta luck, huh?" lamented Zack. Lightning scoffed quietly to herself, not looking at him. The Captain shook her head, making no comment. "Alright…guess I'll head back over there…"
After another salute he was off again, looking like a distressed puppy. Lightning was still looking away when Agrias chuckled and spoke to her above the biting breeze, "You know, we've been on many missions before, but never have I gotten the impression that you hate being where you are."
Lightning spoke curtly, "I don't like the uncertainty, Captain. This is ridiculous. No one even knows where they are." She watched a few bright specks of dust flitter by her line of sight before focusing out to a large explosion in the distance. Smoke billowed the air quickly by the second, and she could hear faint sounds of cheering. "Then again, maybe not."
"Let the other squadrons do as they're assigned. We don't know what's in those bases or exactly how many there are."
"And how will we find out?"
"Let them do as they're assigned." Agrias almost sounded pompous in her reiteration. Light continued to observe the Lake, watching several more explosions go off intermittently. "There are motion sensors everywhere out there, Lieutenant. They're able to sense movement deeper and deeper underground by the day, and the information is relayed back to camp instantaneously. All we can do is wait and respond accordingly." A thick moment went by, unsettling her slightly. "You feel as though you're wasting your time, don't you? You didn't leave home on good terms, I take it. Are you sure you want to be here?"
Lightning turned and faced her Captain, wearing a look that asked why everyone thought it best to question her intentions and desires for being present on the battlefield. Her patience and her insides were being as damaged as the landscape all around them. She soon looked away and out to another small battle, noticing another spear specialist, fighting as though she was having the time of her life. It was in the way she moved.
The squadron remained in silence, not speaking unless absolutely necessary.
Made me change my plans, walking a different space. Loving you is all I seem to think about. Would you let me go if I turned around and walked the other way? Or would you haunt my heart for the rest of my life? Is it healthy to be so caught up in you? So much to the point where I can't focus on anything else?
Breathe…keep breathin'. Don't lose your nerve, Light… Breathe…I can't do this on my own, no matter how strong you say I am.
If she breathed too loudly, they would hear her. If she stepped too boldly, they would see her. If she thought too hardly, they would give her something painful to think about. A base, a manufacturing building that had once roared with its creations and psychotic creators. Arresting former PSICOM soldiers proved to be impossible after several more weeks of attempts. Killing had been necessary—they all put up too much of a fight to stay still, to be taken all the way back to camp. Their weapons had defended them, and died with them.
Lightning had lost track long ago of how many frozen-looking men she had killed. She was hardened to it, immune to its aftereffects. She cared not about how many more she needed to kill so that she could go home. She needed to go back home. Needed to kill more, needed to clear the underground base entirely. She needed to go back home. She had to.
I want to see your smile again, like diamonds in the dust. The day the sound of the killing hordes comforts me more than your warmth is the day the sky collapses on us. I'm not crazy. Not yet.
Her squad were to secure the building and ascertain that it had been cleared completely. Pulsian armaments made up the walls and halls and support of the freezing metallic base underground. They were shallow, but wide, long, dark labyrinths with rooms upon rooms that had once housed people and monsters alike. The holes in the walls were few, but they were large, evidence of impatient bazookas having been fired about the building.
Crystal dust coated the floors, but that still didn't stop Lightning from needing to step carefully. The dank halls echoed every movement, even that of her hair whenever it moved over her shoulder. Such stillness kept her hyperaware of the possibility of a trap.
Looks like a great place for enemy ambushes! …what? What d'you mean why do I sound excited about it? Gran Pulse is my home! Can't I appreciate the place for what it's worth? You're no fun, Lightning…
The Captain stopped in front of Lightning while they walked closely about the walls. She had her wireless out in a second and flipped it open, listening to whomever was on the other line, not saying a word. Light glanced through her eyelashes at Zack holding up the rear behind her; he was preoccupied with looking around in cautious concentration.
"There's no one here," Agrias said suddenly, closing her wireless. Zack snapped his gaze to her while Light was much more leisurely in regarding their leader. Yet another waste of time? "General Delacour's regiment is leaving the area but she's still here. There's just one problem."
"What?" Zack piped up eagerly, "What problem, Captain? You said there's no one here."
"I'm aware of what I said," she snapped back, "but she found the source of the problem. There seems to be an underground tunnel nearby. We have reason to believe that that's how those soldiers made it to Bodhum."
We have reason to believe. We have reason. Reason? What the hell was reason anymore? Lightning gripped the handle of her gunblade, relaxed her grip; tightened it and relaxed it again over and over while she kept listening and fuming quietly.
You sure you didn't have patience for nothin' before me? It's like we hate everyone now…or, more like we never want to be around no one else. That a bad thing? They just don't understand…they can't.
"Ohh I see…" His vapid tone made a vein twitch somewhere near Lightning's aching temples, "but how's that the source?"
"The tunnel is made of crystal, and it's freezing, but completely dry. Like dry ice. Their weapons were able to smell precipitation all the way on the other ends. One end leads to Bodhum, one to the Sunleth Waterscape. No human could have carved them. It must have been the bioweapons that did the work."
"So all we had to do was close that and be off?"
"It looks like it, yes—"
Lightning had enough of this, "So you mean to tell us that all we needed to do was find this base, shut it down, and close off this tunnel? Are you serious, Captain?"
"Lieutenant Farron," Agrias warned, clearly noticing Light's patience had snapped, "mind your tone with me. And to answer your question, yes, that's all we needed to do. But you fail to see that everything we've done led us to this point. It's fruitless to try and close it off now. The mission is complete."
"No it isn't," Lightning bit back, unmindful of the Captain's superior rank in her annoyance, "if that's what caused everything, why not finish things and close it off?"
"Because that's what the Lieutenant General ordered! The mission is complete, aren't you satisfied now?" Agrias too had lost her patience and began going back from whence they came, "I don't care how long we've known each other, Lightning—you don't talk back to a superior that way, nor do you question the General's orders!" She gestured impatiently to Zack's meek form, "Let's go, Zack. Let her do what she wants. I'm not her leader anymore; I have no obligation to stay here and listen to this."
Lightning glowered, looking down at her boots while Zack hesitatingly followed after Agrias. The moment they turned around the bend she felt completely isolated, alone. She was miles away from any sort of comfort. It was cold and dark and dank and she was tired of being led into rabbit holes.
Since her promotion, whenever she had been on smaller missions she had always been in charge of her own squad. She worked closer to the General, allowed to give her own input. Now that the chains of command had been all mixed up to allow other people a chance, they ended up taking far too long than necessary with their operation—two months was completely asinine.
It was also asinine that she had grown to enjoy killing so much during her time there. It had beaten the endless sitting around, waiting for orders, and listening to Zack's whining both passive-aggressive or otherwise. It had been better than trying to stop apologizing to Fang in her mind, trying to stop picturing scenarios where she would return home and inevitably be on the receiving end of her girlfriend's rage.
Perhaps it was idiocy that led her feet deeper into the base in search of that tunnel. She would close it off whether she was ordered to or not. The mission was over. No one was her leader anymore except for the Lieutenant General. And even still, it was the unmistakable sounds of the General's footsteps and grunting while she ran through the underground ravine that lead her to where she needed to be.
It's like I'm wastin' my time when I'm not with you…it's a damn shame. The hell's wrong with me…?
Two months of wasted time, when she knew well enough that if she had been of a higher rank and had more authority, things would have gone much more smoothly and swiftly. If she had been in charge, she would have done so much more to be able to go back home much, much sooner. It shouldn't have been this way, she shouldn't have had to lie to Fang. She thought there would have been more to do, but from her brief conversations with other squad members, she had learned that her team had been on the low end of assignments.
Was it her fault? Fang's fault for not getting out of her head, no matter how hard she tried to rid her? Was it still only her fault for being unable to hide her distracting emotions? She had no idea.
A last ditch effort at repentance, to make sure she could go home proud was what kept her running after Chanel as discreetly as possible. She could already see the wide icy opening of the alleged tunnel along a rocky wall. If she could help close it off, then maybe her superior would forgive her.
Just as they reached the large aperture, the length of which was tinted blue, the General assumed a readying stance and inhaled deeply. There was an eerie conglomeration of steam coming from the span of the opening that steadily curled upwards. Lightning had stopped some paces behind her, and she was nearly startled when Delacour stopped and turned unexpectedly, looking at her in shock.
Her voice echoed dangerously about the chasm deep in the ground, "Lieutenant Farron! Just what do you think you're doing here? You were supposed to return to camp with the others!"
There was no turning back now. Light's tone made her mindset quite clear, "The mission isn't entirely complete, sir. There's still the matter of this tunnel. I'm here to help you."
"Help me? I gave no order for anyone to help me!" She paused for a bit, looking vexed. It wasn't long before she understood that no matter what she said, Lightning was not going anywhere until this was taken care of. "You're serious, aren't you? Then again, when are you not? How stupid of me to ask."
Lightning got straight to the point, "So how will we do this, General?"
"Simple." She reached in her trench coat and procured several grenades. A few were tossed to Lightning and she retrieved more still. "We'll throw a few up there and bolt out of here. My squadron is still waiting above so we can demolish this entire base. I'd rather take precautions with this first, to be sure."
We're gonna go dancin' together one of these nights, Lightning. We'll start simple at first. You'll see.
After the real conclusion of the mission, Lightning walked with the Lieutenant General through the crystal dust back to the train tracks. Chanel's sizable team was walking a ways behind them while they spoke, Light having just inquired further of the tunnel they had just destroyed.
"Well, common sense tells me the opening in Bodhum is in that rainforest. The other is of course in the Waterscape. It takes the train an hour to go all the way through the Hanging Edge and back to the city. It takes an hour to fly to the Sunleth Waterscape. So we have to make a trip once this is over."
She narrowed her eyes momentarily, watching Lightning carefully. Light was unfazed by the scrutiny. "I'll take an airship to the Sunleth Waterscape and find the opening there. I want you to take care of the one in Bodhum, but you can only do so on three conditions."
"Anything, sir," Lightning replied willingly.
She smirked, "First…tell me why you helped me. And please, spare me the same answer as before."
Again, Lightning couldn't lie, "I'm disappointed with the operation, how it went. You gave us the impression that there would be much more to do. Killing mediocre bioweapons and PSICOM grunts was all my squadron did. All of the excavation explosions were automated. From what I've heard, my team sat around and did nothing compared to others. So I want a chance to redeem myself."
Chanel laughed shortly, "Are you only saying that because I wasn't in charge of everything?"
"I didn't know you weren't, sir."
"You've got some nerve then, Farron," she grinned widely. Light gave a sheepish chuckle. "My superior was calling the shots—I was just the messenger. But it as my decision to place you under Captain Oaks. I knew you'd be unchallenged during this operation; hell, even I was. You can be as pissed and bored as you'd like if you're only taking orders. Maybe you should've gone home when you had the chance."
"Maybe," she mused, "but I think I needed this. This won't be the first time I'll be away from home for this long. I realize I was being childish about a lot of things…"
Delacour lowered her head for a moment, not quite nodding in agreement, but it wasn't a gesture of disagreement either. Lightning noticed her turn her ring right-side up, "Second condition: you swear never to act without an order again. You know better, Farron." She nodded acquiescently; that was easy enough. "Third: the minute we're back in Bodhum, you're on extended leave for talking back to your squadron leader and questioning authority. Even though you were right."
Lightning wasn't even going to bother asking for how long. She wasn't exactly proud, or glad for the time off. This just hadn't been her mission. Not all of them could go perfectly, after all… She was unable to ruminate much; the General clapped her back amiably, "Consider this your promotion. I appreciate you telling me the truth. Congratulations, Captain Farron. Make sure you tell Captain Oaks of the news."
She might have smiled; she didn't know. Light was sure she thanked her superior, told her a few more words to a thankful effect, but there was still another terrible problem: she hadn't spoken to Fang in nearly two months. It was New Year's Eve. Of course she'd written to her every chance she had; several times, in fact. Each one was some shape of an apology for lying, some kind of an explanation for what she did; excuses about her wireless having no signal. Did she ever receive any letters in return?
No.
The Captain couldn't remember ever seeing a train and feeling so nauseously nervous; she had no one to blame but herself. Boarding the Purge train couldn't even compare to what she felt now.
