disclaimer: PoT is not mine
note: Absolute zero is the temperature at which nothing could be colder and no heat energy remains in a substance. -there is more to this but this is the part that inspired this chapter
Absolute Zero
How many days now? How long since everything had started crumbling down on him? On them? He'd lost count by now, not that he ever tried. But things like these had a way of sticking to you whether you liked it or not. It wasn't a matter of forgetting because they couldn't be forgotten; it was simply a matter of your ability to ignore them. It's cowardly, but when you're all broken it was all you could think to do. All you could manage to do, and even then it could grind you broken self down so much that your existence no longer had any meaning. That was if it had any meaning to it in the first place.
And you would be too weak to do anything else; too weak to even want to do anything else.
You would have hated yourself, but you would also realize that you're too tired to even think about it now.
Weak and helpless and tired; that's what you would be, and that's what he was feeling now. But that was okay for him, since he had been feeling like this for a long while now. It was very easy to get used to feelings like these. All you needed to do was to not try anything and it would come naturally. It was that simple. And besides, Niou Masaharu was highly adaptable; he got used to things pretty quickly even though it didn't mean that he had to like them.
He didn't like them most of the time, the things he had gotten used to over the years. But it made his life much easier so he was fine with it.
Niou Masaharu never was one to ask for much in life. Therefore it was only understandable that Yagyuu Hiroshi had never been his anyway; he was too much for someone like him to ask for.
Someone like him didn't deserve to ask for many things. Especially someone as good, as perfect, as Yagyuu Hiroshi; it had been preposterous from the very start for him to even think that he could ever have the luxury of loving Yagyuu.
Wryly, he tried to laugh the thought off but no sound came no matter how hard he tried. And it hurt; his throat that was. It burned, and he could feel a lump there, and it just wouldn't go away.
In the distance, the bell that signaled the end of school started to ring. Flexing his shoulders unconsciously, Niou racked a hand through his hair as he watched Marui complete his last lap for the day. His legs were shaking by the time he came to a rest beside Niou, grabbing onto the fence so hard his knuckles were a deathly white. Niou doubted if he could even sit up if he were to let go.
"Tennis practice in half an hour," he said offhandedly as he tossed a towel to his redheaded companion. The smaller boy grunted almost inaudibly in acknowledgement as he swiped at his face with the towel. A small frown crossed Niou's face as Marui suddenly fell to the ground in a most undignified manner. "You alright? Here, drink up," he said gruffly as he shoved a water bottle in his companion's face. He did not miss the slight tremble in the hand that reached for the bottle, nor did he miss the barest grimace on Marui's face as he guzzled down the bottle's contents in a blink.
"Thanks," Marui gasped as he drew a hand over his mouth after downing the whole bottle. His voice was raspy and it was clear that it hurt for him to even speak. Niou rolled his eyes as he too lowered himself to the ground so that he was level with the redhead.
"Want some cake?" he asked, patting the lunchbox sitting beside him, already knowing the answer before Marui tried to shake his head. He watched as lilac eyes turn glassy with pain and exhaustion with the composed ease of someone who had been through this time and time again. "You know, you could just say no rather than have your head swim more than necessary. I thought you'd have known this by now…" Niou grumbled loudly as he stretched his legs out before him.
"Sorry… forgot." The redhead put a hand to the side of his head sluggishly; his head was so groggy it felt like it would burst any moment soon. Then Marui yelped suddenly as a strong arm wrapped itself around him, gently pulling him downwards. The world was whirling about him and for a while he thought he was going to be sick. Until his head was laid tenderly against something warm and comfortingly familiar. He let out a little mewl as the nauseating sensations start to ebb away.
"Sleep. You have twenty-five minutes," he said gruffly as he shifted Marui's head lightly in his lap, making sure that he was comfortable with his position. He was used to this motion, and not because he had started to look after Marui either; there was a time when another commented that his favourite sleeping place was in his lap. But that was a while ago, a time which had started to fade into a dull ache that tore at him every waking moment.
"Thanks…" Marui barely managed to mumble before falling into a deep slumber. He grunted and watched as his friend began to loosen up visibly in his lap, snuggling against him. He patted him lightly on the head tentatively and heard a breathed name escape Marui's lips.
Jackal.
A smile found its way across Niou's lips as he started to smooth some errant strands from the forehead of the smaller boy. Marui often talked in his sleep, but they were mostly gibberish that no one could have understood. Sometimes he would go on and on muttering nothings that Niou doubted if he would have understood himself if he ever heard them, others sounded no more than a mere buzz. But there would always be one single word that would be so filled with clarity that it often led Niou to the mistaken conclusion that he was awake.
In fact, Niou doubted if there was any other word that Marui ever spoke with such surety even when he was awake.
Jackal.
To Niou, there was no way, absolutely no way, that there could be meaning to someone's life without having something that you could be entirely sure of. And Marui was lucky that way. He was sure that he loved Jackal and he was sure that Jackal loved him back too. All he was unsure of was himself, and once he had gotten over that, he would be one of the happiest people in the world.
In the beginning Niou used to wonder if he should be jealous of Marui, for having things that he could never have, for having the potential to be something he could never be. But he knew now that he needn't be. If Marui could be everything that he couldn't be even though they had so much in common, then Marui could become his dream. And when Marui succeeded, his dream would have come true too.
It was illogical, but when you're all the way at the bottom, you wouldn't care even if your only hope was no more than an illusion.
When you had nothing left, all the reason and logic in the world wouldn't be able to save you at all.
Then Marui started to whimper softly as he shifted his head fitfully. With a ghost of a smile about his lips, Niou leaned down and hugged his friend gently, making soft, hushing sounds like a mother would when her child had nightmares. And as he placed a chaste kiss on Marui's forehead, he felt the frown ease away.
And it was in this way that Niou let go of himself and felt the promise of peaceful sleep slowly overcome him, knowing full well that he would be up again just in time to make it to tennis practice with Marui in tow.
"Move away, you're heavy."
He took no notice of the comment as he shifted his head about till he was comfortable.
"It's kind of nice here, Niou-kun. Would you please let me rest here for a bare five minutes? I really need the sleep and the mats in the student council room aren't exactly the most comfortable place in the world…" He reached a hand up to remove his glasses, rubbing his eyes surreptitiously in the process.
Niou scowled as he felt his face become very warm from something that was most definitely not the afternoon sun.
"Just shut up and go to sleep already. Five minutes only."
"How about ten?" A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he tucked his glasses carefully into his shirt pocket.
"You said five." There was something snappish about his voice, but the heat in his face was becoming harder and harder to ignore.
"But that's because I thought you're going to, you know, put up more resistance. And if truth be told, I haven't slept a wink in days because of the upcoming Culture Fest…" He reached for Niou's hand and ever so gently laced their fingers together.
"Ten minutes then. Starting now. Now go to sleep; I'm timing." He couldn't help but tighten the hold the other had on his hand.
"Thank you, Niou-kun. Please wake me up in half an hour's time then."
"What?" He was spluttering, and would have jumped up in outrage- really, he would- if not for the fact that the other was already drifting to sleep peacefully in his lap. He swallowed hard as his face burned. "Fine, whatever, you jerk."
The truth was that he didn't really mind the other being there, not at all, and he wasn't all that heavy either. The other knew this as well; it was a game they liked to play, denying the other something that one wanted desperately to give freely whether or not it was asked, pushing for something that the other would have been given freely anyway.
He would have asked for forever if he could, and he would have given it without even blinking.
But when he, in his slumber, brought their joined hands to his lips and tucked them against his cheek where he could feel their combined warmth, Niou was content.
It wasn't anywhere near as long as forever, but it was enough.
Aoyagi Tetsuko leaned against the wall outside the class, waiting for the class within to be dismissed by their long-winded Literature teacher. The bell had rung almost five minutes ago, but from the fragments of the lesson she had heard from outside, the teacher wasn't likely to be done anytime soon. Absently, she tapped her left foot lightly against the floor as she continued to wait patiently, letting out a small sigh now and then.
"Ne, Tetsuko, are you really going to wait for them to be dismissed? I mean, Kuwahara-kun didn't really say that…" Niwa Chitose commented halfheartedly from where she stood beside Tetsuko.
"Chi-chan! I promised!" Tetsuko chided her best friend lightly as a pout started to form on her face.
"I know I know. Sometimes I wonder if you aren't a little too nice to Kuwahara-kun," Chitose grumbled as she tapped Tetsuko lightly on the cheek.
Tetsuko smiled as she rested her head against her friend's shoulder. "He's a friend, Chi-chan, a very good friend. Friends should help one another in times of trouble, but there's so little I can do for him, so I'll do whatever I can even if it's something this small." She let her eyes flutter close for a little while, enjoying the closeness between them.
"I get it. It's just a message, right?" Chitose looked sideways at Tetsuko who nodded. "Then I'll wait for you by the gate, okay? Don't be too long; I'll give you half an hour," she quipped as she stepped away.
Tetsuko smiled as she watched her best friend disappear around the turn in the corridor. She knew that Chitose would still be waiting by the gate at her usual spot even if she took more than half an hour. She also knew that she would make sure that she was there by the end of thirty minutes whether or not she carried out her errand.
As she fell back against the wall she heard the noise of chairs scraping against the floor coming through the door.
Maybe Chi-chan wouldn't have to wait that long after all.
Mentally, Tetsuko arranged her thoughts once more as she waited for the door to slide open. After all, it was Sanada Genichirou she had to talk to, and even though she wasn't all that afraid of the tall stern fukubuchou who commanded respect even from their teachers, it was still wise to organize her thoughts beforehand if she didn't want to get tongue-tied halfway through her message. By the time the door finally slid open, she was ready. The teacher was the first to leave. Tetsuko bowed as the infamous Kurokawa-sensei passed by, wrinkling her nose just a little at the memory of his endless tirades of which she had a taste last year. Then the students started to pour out of the room and Tetsuko slipped into the class, looking around for the tall unmistakable figure she had been told to pass her message to.
"Are you looking for someone?"
Tetsuko started a little at the polite voice directed at her; she hadn't expected anyone to notice her at all, since everyone seemed to be in a hurry to be anywhere else besides the classroom. "Ah, yes." She turned to find herself staring into a blank face masked by a pair of spectacles. "I would like to speak to Sanada Genichirou, please."
"He's right there at the back," the tall boy answered quietly, gesturing to the back of the class where the subject of their exchange was putting his things away meticulously.
"Thank you."
"Don't mention it." The bespectacled boy started towards the blackboard and, picking up the duster, began to wipe the scribbles on the board away.
Tetsuko then made her way to the back of the class, ignoring the strange looks the other students still in the class were giving her.
"Ano, Sanada-kun?" A pair of deep-set eyes was raised to meet hers.
"Yes?"
"I have a message from Kuwahara-san. I'm Aoyagi Tetsuko from his class."
Sanada did not reply, continuing to regard her silently, waiting for the message to come.
"Apparently Yanagi-kun from your class has fallen ill and Kuwahara-san is currently with him at the infirmary. He says to tell you that he will stay with Yanagi-kun until his family comes for him, so he might be a little late for practice."
"Noted. Thank you," Sanada said with a slight incline of his head. It was clear that he was expecting her to leave now, but she wasn't done yet. And this was the most difficult part of it all.
Instead of turning to leave, she leaned forward and placed her hands on Sanada's table. She thought she saw the boy's brow crease a little but she didn't really care; she might be wary of him, but she wasn't scared. It would take much more than a scary face to have her trembling in fear.
"Ano, I know it isn't really my place to interfere with internal affairs of the tennis club, but I'm concerned for my friend." She stared straight into the black depths, not even flinching at the evident coldness in those eyes. "Things seemed to have happened in the club, and whatever they are, they're hurting Kuwahara-san a lot. And I'm sure it's not just him who's suffering. Yanagi-kun fell sick from exhaustion and slight depression and self-starvation. And if you, as the leader of the club, don't do anything about it, your club may fall apart soon."
"Thank you," Sanada said again as he got to his feet. Something flashed in his eyes just before he turned to leave. Tetsuko chewed on her lower lip a little nervously, wondering if she had just made things worse than they were.
"He's trying very hard to pull the club together, but he has his own problems too. Everyone does." The boy from earlier on had finished cleaning the board and was presently right beside her, packing his bag. "There are some things that just can't be helped. And there are other things that others just can't help you with," he said in that quiet manner of his, hefting his bag onto his shoulder.
"But it wouldn't hurt to try, would it?" she returned. "If you don't try at all, you'll have nothing left at the end of the day."
"And if you have nothing at all to begin with?" His voice was a little colder now.
She wasn't very sure where this conversation was going, but it was obvious that there was something that this boy before him was seriously missing. "Then you can make something of your own. That's why you have to try. If you admit defeat before even trying then you'll really have nothing at all."
"That's very idealistic. Life doesn't work that way."
"What would you know about life when you're only fifteen?"
"I do believe that I know enough about life…"
"Then I think you'll have a very sorry life indeed. You really will have nothing at all." She wasn't very sure why she was angry, but she was. No one should be as pessimistic as this; it wasn't right. Life had its obstacles, some were harder, much harder, to overcome than others. But if you never once tried to scale its height then you'd always be stuck in a sorry state of nowhere; you'd be neither here nor there.
Life is a creation of Nature and Nature requires balance. Without balance there wouldn't be any meaning to anything.
"Thank you for your comment," he replied stiffly before turning to leave.
"You know there's a point in temperature where no state of matter exists at all? It's called 'absolute zero', but it really can be defined as −273.15°C or −459.67°F."
The boy did not stop walking.
"Sometimes you may like to believe there's an absolute to everything. But in life, there is no such thing; limits are set by people. You can go as far as you wish to go, even though there is still the question of whether you can ever reach it. But if you lock yourself behind your limit and not even take the first step, then you'll never know."
She thought she saw him pause just barely at the doorway before disappearing down the corridor.
When Akaya arrived back in school, ten minutes late to practice, he was shocked to find that Niou-senpai was the only regular around. Marui-senpai was there too, and they were warming up together. There was incessant whispering among the other club members and he wondered what they were talking about.
"You're late, Kirihara!" Niou announced as he pounced onto him, appearing out of nowhere. Akaya yelped at the sudden movement. "Gee you're lucky today. The rest aren't even here yet; I wonder what Sanada would do if he found out about you being late though…" Niou slowly let his voice trail off into unspoken possibilities that made Akaya whimper in fear, an evil smirk plastered across his face. From where he was, Marui started grinning and Akaya groaned.
With a laugh, Niou released his kohai and gave him a light shove in the direction of the locker room. "Go change before they get here," he said, smirk still firmly in place, before returning to where Marui was waiting.
"Ano, Niou-senpai."
"Huh?" Niou looked over his shoulder at him.
"What's going on? Those non-regulars can't seem to stop whispering about something, and it isn't normal for Sanada fukubuchou to be late either." He tilted his head slightly to one side in puzzlement.
"Oh that." Niou waved a hand dismissively. "Yanagi fainted and somehow they found it absolutely necessary to be with him at all times until he gets home, like he would die halfway or something." He shrugged nonchalantly as he turned a little more to face Akaya. "You want to go see him? I doubt if they would mind. You're his favourite kohai after all," he remarked offhandedly.
"Oh." Akaya wasn't very sure of what to say in response; his mind had gone exceptionally empty at this precise moment and he couldn't think very well.
"I guess I'd better go change now, then."
Something flashed in Niou's eyes but it was gone before it could be noticed. "Yeah you go do that." Then he shoved Akaya again, as gently as he could. "They'll be here soon."
Akaya nodded mutely as he made his way to the locker room.
Behind him Niou heaved a sigh and resumed his warm-up with Marui.
"You think that kid will be alright?" Marui asked softly, eyes trained on the door of the locker room.
"The same answer I would give if you ask me whether we would be alright." Niou shrugged again. Marui did not ask anymore, choosing to focus on the task at hand instead. It wasn't because he was afraid of hearing the answer, but because he already knew it.
They both did and it hung in the air between them.
I don't know.
The warm-up soon gave way to practice matches; it was a long time before any of the others arrived to practice. And even then, there wasn't much to say to one another. They set into the newest training pattern that had become so normal to them that they had learned to forget what practice sessions used to be like.
It was strangely chilly, that certain afternoon, even though winter had not set in yet.
A/N: I'm so sorry for updating this late!!! It's been three months- almost four- and I wonder if anyone still remembers this fic... School turned out to be much more hectic than I thought it would be even though my end-of-years were over. Then I had to have writer's block, which was HORRIBLE cos it left me very bewildered as to what I was going to do with where all of my characters were going... cries. It was a problem that happened to ALL of my fics and I was terribly distraught for a while... But I'm back now! And I know exactly where all of them are going, so I guess everything will be fine. lolx.
Tetsuko is an oc and I hope that she's turned out to be rather likeable??? I think there's been too much pessimism going around and they badly need someone to give them a reality check. xD. I revised her little speech a few times cos she sounded just a tad too unreasonable, you know, like those uprighteous self-important girls that are so rampant everywhere... gahhhh. I hope she doesnt come across as too pushy. lolx.
About 'absolute zero'. Ah. I must confess here that I love Physics very very much. laughs. It fascinates me tremendously. I just had to put it in... somewhere. And 'absolute zero' is such a neat little concept that I just HAD to use it. -Physics geek in me acting up...-
And I'm terribly sorry for being a bad writer, cos not only do I not adhere to deadlines I set for myself, I also tend to forget to acknowledge my anonymous reviewers. I'm so sorry... I hope it isn't to late to post some quick replies here.
kaze: yes, Renji fainted, and it's of utmost importance that he faints, being a major turning point in the plot and all. and yes, everything will work out eventually. in fact, it would reach a resolution soon. xD
sm1: i'm glad you like this story. thank you very much. as to why everyone is so depressed, well, it's because of the usual things: insecurity, hormones, and oh, writer's whim. lolx. i'm sorry if i got you confused; i guess the angst got a little out of hand... -giggles-
And lastly, a big thank you to the Anonymous person who asked for an update on my LJ not too long ago. It means a lot to me to know that there is someone who is still waiting for an update...
To everyone who's currently still reading this: thank you for reading this story and I hope you enjoyed it. -hugs-
