Pt. 12

"Hello?" Oh man, he sounds like shit.

"Sam my man, we need to alter the schedule."

"Josh?"

"Of course."

"Is someone bleeding?" What?

"Probably, some where." What is he talking about?

"Is someone we know bleeding?"

"Um, no. Not that I'm aware of."

"Is someone we know hospitalized?"

"No. Why are you asking such weird questions?"

"Because you're not supposed to call this early if it's not an emergency!" He's yelling at me. I can't believe he's yelling at me. Him and his damn rules.

"Sam, it's 9:15."

"Subtract three, Josh."

"Ok, it's 9:12." This is fun. He's so groggy; he's easy to toy with.

"I'm hanging up now."

"No, no, no, no, no, no. I need you. We need to bump up the schedule."

"The schedule?"

"The one you gave me on Thursday." Nothing. "The Josh/Donna schedule. How could you forget?"

"I do other things Josh. You're love life isn't my whole world."

"It's not? How can that be?" I don't understand. I thought there were literally millions of people out there rooting for the two of us to get together. Am I mistaken?

He groans, which means I've won. He's too awake now to go back to sleep, so he might as well talk to me, which just pisses him off. "So you need to bump up the schedule, huh? I guess things are going well."

"I've been where no man has been before, my friend."

"We've discussed this on numerous occasions. She's had sex before." Untrue.

"Sam, don't say that. You know how I feel about that."

"Josh, she's a beautiful 31 year-old woman. She's had sex." Beautiful, true; sex, untrue.

"There's no proof, in fact, there's good evidence to the contrary."

"But that proof only exists in your sick, twisted mind." Of course.

"For the last seven years, I've spent 12-15 hours a day with her…"

"I'm aware of your efforts to stop it, and I applaud them. But you didn't succeed."

"I've never seen her have sex, therefore, she hasn't."

"You didn't see the Titanic sink, but it's at the bottom of the ocean."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying Donna's had sex. You haven't gone where no man's gone before."

"Ok, I'm not agreeing with you on the sex thing, let's be clear. But that's not what I was talking about."

"What were you talking about?"

"I'm not telling you now. I was going to, but you said mean things about Donna."

"Ok, I'm hanging up this time."

"No, no, no, no, no. We haven't altered the schedule."

"Where have you been that no man's been before?"

"Sam!"

"Tell me, or I'm hanging up."

"I don't think I can tell you. It's…well I'm sure Donna would consider it private."

"You call me, dangle juicy information in front of my face, and then you pull the private card?"

"I shouldn't have done that?"

"No!" He's yelling again. "Anyway, you don't think she's telling CJ about it right now?"

I stand up and walk to my office door. Donna isn't at her desk. She wouldn't….oh, who the hell am I kidding. "Ok. Have you ever made a woman…you know…without…you know?"

"Are you talking about oral sex Josh?"

"No. I'm talking no part of me touching or penetrating…anywhere near there."

"I'm sorry, you're telling me…"

"That I am indeed the man. Yes."

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"I had an orgasm last night," I announce as I plop down on the couch in CJ's office.

"You had sex? I thought you were waiting," she's not paying much attention to me right now, but I'm about to gain the upper hand.

"I didn't have sex." Let's see what she does with that.

"Now, Donna. Let's not have the whole 'that depends on what sex is' conversation."

"I'm telling you, CJ, I had no sex of any kind last night, but I did climax."

"Was it…" She waves her hands around in the air for a few seconds but keeps her eyes on her computer. "Self inflicted?"

Again, only with CJ can I have discussions like this. "It was not."

Ok, now she's finally stopped reading her e-mail or playing that solitaire game and I have her attention. "What am I missing?"

"So this has never happened to you?"

"Orgasm without some sort of sex, no."

"Well…"

"What? How?"

"I don't know how. I was hoping you could enlighten me."

"Ok, what was happening at the time?" She's switched into detective mode and is working on the case of the unexplained orgasm.

"Heavy making-out. Everything from the waist up was fair game."

She makes a face at me like a six year old that was just given liver for dinner. "I could be sick, but go on."

"There was kissing, there was touching, there was breast kissing and touching, and then there was an orgasm."

"Are you sure?"

"Am I sure?" What the hell kind of question is that? "I know an orgasm when I have one, CJ. And this was indeed an orgasm."

"So…"

"He's better than we thought."

"Wow."

"Yes."

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"So you're actually taking my advice?"

"Yes."

"You had the discussion?"

"Yes, and it was really easy."

"So you discussed why you waited so long, and why you're going to do about your work situation, and Jack and Amy and Colin and Amy, the sequel?"

"That's what you meant by discussion?"

"What did you think I meant?"

"Well, you know…I told her I wanted to wake up with her forever and she said ok."

"And that was your discussion?"

"Yeah."

"I see. You didn't tell her you love her, did you? Cause you'll scare the crap out of her."

"No Sam, I didn't tell her."

"What about the nice dinner?"

"She postponed it of her own free will. She doesn't like to go out too much with the walker. But I did something else."

"You ordered in from a really nice place, lit candles and had a violinist?"

What the hell? "No, I made pancakes and gave her a non-sex induced orgasm."

"So, really the only part you've followed is refraining from telling her you love her."

"Yes, and that's the part we need to bump up."

"Why can't you wait a week?"

"Well, I thought maybe I'd propose in a week."

"What?"

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"Katie thanks for coming." She walks in and sits on one of the chairs in front of my desk. I have to stop playing solitaire, but that's ok, it's in the name of love.

"No problem, what's up?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all." I stand up from my desk and walk to the door. "Carol, can you get me Josh's phone records for the week he was in Germany?" That should do it.

I come back in and sit down. "I didn't know Josh was in Germany," she says, cryptically. She's been my pawn before and she knows it.

"Oh yeah," I act nonchalant. "He was there for a week over Memorial Day." Come on Katie. What happened around Memorial Day?

"Memorial Day, huh? That's interesting. I've been meaning to ask, how was Donna's first week back at work?"

Good girl. "Great. She's happy to be back, Josh is happy to have her back and the rest of us are happy to have both of them so happy." I raise my eyebrows as I say the last part.

"Good. I'm glad she's finally…happy. It's past time if you ask me. Tell her I said hi."

"Will do."

She leaves as Carol walks in with Josh's phone records. "Thanks," I say and toss them in the trash.

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"Josh, you're looking well this morning," the President says as I walk into his office for senior staff.

"Yes, sir. I slept well last night."

"Well, I hope you're…sleeping…slowly. Broken bones take a long time to heal." Oh gross. The President just told me not to sleep with Donna. I could be sick.

Thank goodness Toby is as appalled by that statement as I am. "Josh, what the President's trying to say is don't screw it up with Donna. Obviously he doesn't know you too well." Thanks for being on my side Toby.

"Actually, Donna already knows I'm going to screw it up, and she's promised to forgive me every time."

"Why?"

"Because that's what we do."

"I'm sorry, are you saying there are times you have to forgive her?"

"Yes. Just yesterday, she sold me out to Leo, CJ and the President. But I forgave her."

"I don't believe you."

"Well thanks for your support Toby."

"How's this for support? Mr. President, I think Josh would be a good addition to the trip to Nigeria on Tuesday." He looks at me and smiles. I can't believe he sold me out like that.

"Toby!" I turn to the President. "Mr. President, I don't even know where Nigeria is. I'm not a good choice for that trip." I do not want to spend five days away from Donna right now, sue me.

"Don't worry Josh, Leo's going. I need you here." He looks over at Toby. "But I will need you Toby."

"Yes!" I say to Toby. "The President's on my side! Na na na."

"Josh," I look over at the President. "I'm on Donna's side. You can be almost certain that I'm never on your side."

"Yes Sir."

"In fact, I want to see you after this meeting. We're going to have a geography lesson."

"But…"

"Josh."

"Yes Sir."

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"C.J." Everyone's yelling my name. I love the power of my job.

"Yes, Scott."

"What is the president hoping to accomplish on his trip to Nigeria next week?"

"The summit is with Nigeria, Cameroon, Gabon, Ghan, and Benin. The main discussion will be on trade ports. The President wants better access to ship relief supplies to the inland countries in Africa and needs these five border countries to cooperate for that to happen. Also, I'd like some extra credit for saying all five of those countries correctly." I look around the room. "Katie."

"CJ, can you comment on Donna Moss' medical and emotional progress?"

"Donna's back at work this week, which is a huge relief to the rest of us. Josh Lyman is tough to take without her here. As for emotionally, she continues to be amazed at the outpouring of love the country is showing her." Katie smiles at me as I tell all the reporters, in my own sweet way, that Donna can't be messed with right now.

"And is it true that Josh Lyman spent the week of Memorial Day in Germany at her bedside?"

That's my girl. "I'd have to check my calendar, but I believe he was in Germany that week."

"Has Josh finally woken up, realized he's in love with Donna, and asked her out?" Good use of the word finally. Katie was the perfect choice for this.

"Katie, you know I can't comment on the personal lives of the staff."

"Well, CJ. If that's the case, please congratulate them for me. Six years is a long time to wait for the real thing."

I'm a genius.