Chapter 12: It was My Fault

Disclaimer: I do not own Vampire Academy

So sorry for the delay. Been a hectic week for the Thanksgiving holiday, but since it's the Christmas season, I know you'll forgive me for my tardiness=)

RPOV

"What the hell?" I uttered as I tried on not one but all three of my sweaters I'd brought from home. Not one of them made it past my bust. I glanced in the mirror to make sure I wasn't crazy. They looked like Barbie clothes. As I pulled the last of them over my head, I inhaled an unfamiliar scent. As I held it to my nose again I realized it was laundry detergent. My eyes widened as I went through the rest of my things.

"He didn't," I groaned noticing that the rest of my clothing was folded neatly in piles inside my bag. I hadn't done that. I had left everything strewn in disarray which meant Dimitri had attempted to do my laundry and instead shrunk all of my clothes. I should be furious with him, but he was trying so hard and I felt really bad for him. He was the one that was going to end up with the broken heart in all of this, so I decided to let it go at least for now.

I tossed my now ruined designer clothes into the trash and pulled out one of the sweaters I'd bought yesterday with Vika. I brushed my hair and instead of blowing it out, I left it loose and curly. One thing I did enjoy about being back here was that there weren't cameras flashing in my face everywhere I went. That meant I didn't have to look impeccable at all times. I could let my hair down and skip the make-up if I wanted to. I had to admit that it was very relaxing. I decided to enjoy these last few days of peace before it was back to the exhausting pace of the New York lifestyle.

"Dimitri, can I borrow the truck?" I asked as I emerged from the bedroom. He was sitting at the kitchen table looking through some papers. He looked up at me with a curious expression on his face.

"What's mine is yours Roza, you know that," he said holding out the keys for me.

"Thanks," I said taking them from his outstretched hand.

"I've invited them for five if that is okay. Your Aunt Oksana and Uncle Mark will be joining us as well."

"Sounds good," I told him grabbing my winter coat and bundling up so I didn't freeze to death walking to the truck. He didn't inquire as to where I was going. Maybe that meant that he trusted me to come back. I guess we were making progress. Better late than never, I supposed.

My first stop was to the grocery store where this Tasha girl supposedly worked. I wanted to get a look at her and feel her out. Maybe I could coax her into going to the party tomorrow and see how she and Dimitri reacted around each other. I grabbed a few necessary items, placed them in my cart and headed over to the checkout. There were two checkers, but only one was female. I wheeled my cart up to her belt and began to unload my things. I squinted to read her name tag and indeed it said Tasha. I sized her up for a minute nonchalantly. She was very pretty. Tall and slender with long straight dark hair and piercing blue eyes. She had a faint scar on the left side of her face, but it didn't at all detract from her beauty. She looked to be a little older than Dimitri. I'd say she was around thirty.

"Hello, welcome to the corner market. Will this be all for you today Miss?" she asked politely.

"Yes, it will thank you," I responded.

"You're new in town aren't you? Are you visiting?" she asked as she began scanning my items.

"You could say that," I told her thankful that wearing my hair like this and without make up she hadn't recognized me from my magazine spreads.

"Well if you need any help navigating the town, I'd be more than happy to show you around," she offered.

"That's really very kind of you, but I have a friend that is helping me out while I'm visiting. You might know her. Vicktoria Belikova," I said studying her face.

"Oh yes, I know the Belikov's well," she said.

"You do, well then I'll probably see you at their Christmas party tomorrow evening right?" I asked hoping she was invited.

"Yes, you will. I'm actually closer to Dimka, Viktoria's brother," she said, a dreamy look crossing her face as she mentioned Dimitri.

"Oh, so you're the Tasha Dimitri has been talking about," I said giving her a once over as I set my plan into motion.

"Dimka talks about me?" she asked beaming.

"Oh yes, your name has come up more than once," I said laying it on real thick.

"Well we have been seeing each other on and off, you know. He's just real cautious because of his bitch of an ex wife. She left him you know and he's always been a little shy after that, but I think we're getting somewhere. Just the other day he came in on my shift," she said giddily tossing her hair over her shoulder.

"I'd take that as a good sign," I said winking at her "I guess I'll see you tomorrow. It was nice meeting you Tasha," I said giving her a bright smile.

"You too," she called as I exited.

"That was almost too easy," I said smiling slyly to myself.

I stopped at the post office, the drug store, the florist and the bakery to pick up some of my father's favorite sweets for after dinner and by now it was nearly four o'clock. I had one last stop on my agenda, but it took me a long while to get out of the car once I was there.

I unhooked my seatbelt and slowly pulled myself out of the truck. I hadn't been here in seven years and even then I had only been here once although the path I needed to take was ingrained in my memory quite well.

"Hey baby boy," I said tears creeping down my cheeks as I reached the small plot where my son, Alexandr Ibrahim Belikov was buried. I dropped to my knees clutching the bouquet of white roses I'd picked out for him at the florist.

"I'm so sorry it's been so long my love," I whispered tracing my hand over the cold, hard stone.

Flashback

I watched through blurry tears as the priest gave his final blessings as we laid our son to rest. It took both my brother and Dimitri to hold me upright as they began to lower his tiny coffin into the ground.

"Noooooooo, I wailed breaking free of their grasp and rushing forward falling to my knees as I reached the open grave. The ground was wet and muddy, but I didn't care. That was my son, my seven month old baby they were putting in there and I wasn't ready to let him go.

"Please don't leave me baby. I'm so sorry," I cried clutching the grass between my fingers.

"Rosemarie, he's gone. You have to let him go," my father said pulling me into his arms as I shook and shivered despite the heat of the bright August day.

"He can't be gone, he's just a baby," I cried.

"Belikov, get over here and help me," Baba demanded. Dimitri who was holding it together far better than I was came to his aid and they carried me to the car.

The ride back to our house was silent save for my choked sobs as Dimitri cradled me in his arms in the back seat of my father's car.

"Are you sure you're going to be alright alone tonight?" Olena asked as the guests who had come to pay their respects to our son had begun to disperse.

"We'll manage Mama," Dimitri told her. She gathered her things, gave him one last hug and embraced me as well even though I was too numb to return it. Then we were alone.

I listened to the sounds of Dimitri putting away the rest of the food people had left us as I sat on the couch. I'm not sure how much time had passed, but the sun had set and it had become night. I hadn't bothered to turn on a light so I sat in the dark staring blankly out the window until Dimitri's voice snapped me back to reality. He flipped on the lamp and I shut my eyes as they burned at the intrusion of light.

"Roza, you haven't eaten anything and the doctor says your medication shouldn't be taken on an empty stomach," he said kneeling in front of me holding out a glass of water.

I turned my head away not having the energy to respond. I didn't want food or medicine or to be comforted. My son, my seven month old baby was lying in a coffin in the ground and it was my fault. I had no desire to go through the motions of my life. Nothing mattered right now. I just wanted to shut out the world.

"Roza," he called again trying to get me to respond.

"I said no!" I cried smacking his hand away causing the glass of water and bottle of pills to fly out of his hand spilling all over the floor.

He sighed taking my hand in his. "Roza, I don't know what to do. I need you to help me," he pleaded.

I looked into his beautiful brown eyes which were puffy and rimmed with red from crying and I felt utterly helpless. I knew he needed me, but I was too far gone. My psyche was weak and it had cracked like a brittle bone. I had nothing to give him right now. I was drowning in despair and I couldn't pull myself out long enough to be there for someone else.

End Flashback

I sat in the cemetery on the frozen ground weeping for everything I'd lost that day. I'd thought I'd lost my innocence when I gave birth at seventeen, but I was wrong. No parent however young should have to bury their child. That wasn't the way the world was supposed to work. I was supposed to raise him and take care of him and then one day long after he was married with children of his own, it would be his turn to do the same for us. If I'd learned anything from my experiences was that life was cruel and no one was safe from heartache.

DPOV

It was half past five and Mason and Jill had arrived along with Abe, Oksana and Mark. It was dark and I was beginning to worry about Rose.

"Is Rose still getting ready?" Mason asked rolling his eyes. He knew how long it took her in the bathroom.

I pulled at the collar on my flannel shirt. "Not exactly," I told him.

"She isn't here," he snorted. "It figures. I thought things were going to be different this time especially after she went to see Baba the other day, but I guess I was wrong."

I thought back to what had transpired between us this morning. She had asked me to borrow the truck instead of just taking it and she hadn't reamed me out for ruining her clothes, which I know she noticed. No, something was different about her. She was relaxed and calm almost happy. She wouldn't have just taken off on a day I'd invited her family over. She was hard headed, stubborn and snippy, but she wasn't cruel.

"If you'll excuse me a moment," I said setting down the bowl of chips I'd brought out on the table before heading to the bedroom to make a call. Her cell of course sent me straight to voicemail so I dialed the next best thing.

"Hey Christian, you on duty?" I asked.

"Yep, why?"

"I need eyes on Rose. Has anyone seen her?"

"Let me check with my deputies," he said and I heard radio static in the background.

"Your truck is parked outside Old Oaks," he told me. "You want me to go check on her?"

"No, just wait from a distance. I'm going to head over there now, thanks."

I grabbed my coat and headed for the door.

"Where are you going?" Mason asked.

"To get Rose, she's had a little trouble with my truck. It's a short walk. I'll be back soon," I said not wanting to upset anyone.

It was a short walk to the old cemetery, but it was freezing as hell so I quickened my pace. Sure enough the truck was parked right outside the entrance and Christian's police cruiser was idling behind it. I waved to him letting him know it was okay to take off.

I walked the short path to where I knew I'd find her. It was a place I had come to know well over the last seven years. I tried to come at least once a week. I wished she would have waited for me instead of facing this alone, but that was my wife always jumping in head first.

"Roza," I called seeing her slumped over in the snow. I rushed to her side shaking her to make sure she was awake.

"Roza, can you hear me?" I asked. I forced her to look at me. Her pupils focused slowly and I realized she was conscious, but wasn't bundled up tight enough to withstand the cold without getting hypothermia.

"He was so young," she sobbed through chattering teeth clutching my jacket. Frozen tears stained her overly roughed cheeks. I took her into my arms and carried her back to the truck.

"You silly girl, you're going to freeze to death," I scolded her once I turned the heat on full blast taking off my own coat and wrapping it around her shivering body.

"You should have left me there to freeze to death. All this time I've spent hating you for not being there, when it was really my fault," she sobbed.

"Roza, it wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault."

"I put him to bed that night and I fell asleep. He was probably crying for me and I didn't wake up!" Her voice cracked as the sobs continued to wrack her body.

"You were exhausted and I wasn't home to help you. Even if you had been awake, there's no guarantee he would have survived. The doctors said that he had a massive grand mal seizure due to an undetected cerebral nerve condition. There isn't any way you could have predicted that it would happen Roza. You have to stop blaming yourself!" I nearly shouted at her.

"I was his mother, I should have known something was wrong," she whispered. All these years the guilt had been eating her alive and I knew it was only a matter of time before she broke down completely. She needed professional help to sort out her feelings, but was too stubborn to admit it.

"Roza, for so long you've masked your grief and pain with anger. You ran away hoping to leave your problems behind, only you can't do that. They will always catch up with you. I want to help you, but you have to let me," I said desperate to get through to her.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she cried. "You have to forgive me. I loved him. No matter what I said and how unhappy I was, I loved him. He was my baby."

"Shh, Roza, I know. I know you loved him. You were a good mother. You have to know that. You gave up everything for him and he loved you too," I reassured her. She was too young to realize it at the time, but she had given up everything to have him: her reputation, high school graduation, being with her friends, going to college. She had stayed home with him so I could go to work and support our family. Those first few months, I would come home after a long day and she'd have fallen asleep next to his basinet with her hand still clutching his tiny foot. She was tired, worn out, entirely overwhelmed and far too young, but she had done her best to give him the life he deserved. She was a good mother. I was a neglectful husband and an absentee father being at work twelve hours a day. I should have found a way to get a better job so I could be home more. I would always regret the past, but what I wanted was a second chance. I wanted to make her mine again and I wanted to have more children with her. We could do it right this time and we could be happy if only she'd give me a chance.

"Do you want me to call and tell everyone to go home?" I asked as we continued to sit in the warm truck in front of the cemetery.

"No, I don't want them to know about this," she said swiping at the tears that were still coming down her cheeks.

I sighed, she was back to her usual denial. Her walls had come down for a brief minute and I thought just for a second that I might have a shot at getting through to her, but as she pulled her compact out of her purse and began furiously working to make it look like she hadn't been crying, I knew I'd lost her again at least for the time being.

"So Dimitri tells us you're leaving on Monday for New York," Jill said directing her question to Rose who had just finished pouring a cup of coffee for her father.

"Yes, I have to work on Wednesday and I have a fiancé to get back to."

"Does that mean you signed the papers?" Mason whispered in my ear.

I shook my head. "Not exactly," I muttered. He raised his eyebrow at me, but didn't comment further.

"I had so hoped you would stay longer," Abe said latching onto his daughter's hand.

"Don't worry Baba, I promise I will be back," she said kissing his cheek softly. I really hoped she would be back, sooner rather than later. I would do anything to be with her including moving to New York if I had to, but I had high hopes of convincing her to move back here with me. I wanted to stay close to our families, but I also knew that being here would give us a chance to truly reconnect.

"It was nice of you to invite my family over for dinner," she said yawning as we stood side by side in the kitchen finishing up what was left of the dishes.

"They're my family too," I told her. "Besides I've had dinner with them at least once a month for the past seven years."

She stopped washing the dish she was holding and looked at me in awe.

"You did?" she gulped.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I? I told you they're my family too. Don't you think of Mama and Vika that way?" I asked.

She nodded. "Of course I do."

No more words were exchanged as we finished the chore and I flipped off the light.

I woke early the next morning to the sounds of pots and pans being banged around in the kitchen. I pulled on a pair of sweat pants and wandered into the kitchen ready to scold one of my sisters for breaking in to steal my pans. I was shocked instead to find Rose in the kitchen wearing an apron standing over the stove.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Making Baba Romovaya cake," she answered as she lit the burner. "Where do you keep the good rum?" she asked opening up what used to be the liquor cabinet.

"Uh, it's in the living room cabinet," I said watching as she deftly measured out the ingredients.

"Well don't just stand there. Go and get it,"she ordered shooing me out of the kitchen.

"And don't even think about sampling the kutya," she scolded as I put my finger in the bowl that was sitting on the counter.
"How did you?"

"I have eyes in the back of my head," she said without turning around. "Besides I know you can't resist homemade kutya."

"You're right, it's delicious," I said pulling out a spoon and filling it.
"You should taste it," I said coming up behind her placing one hand on her hip pulling her close to my body and the other dangling the spoonful in front of her face.

"Come on you know you want to," I breathed caressing the side of her neck sensually with my lips.

She moaned sexily as she relaxed into my arms.

"Come on Milaya, it tastes so good," I enticed her lifting the spoon to my lips and taking a small amount.

"Let me give you a taste," I said turning her around, brushing my lips against hers.

"You're evil," she moaned licking the kutya off of my lips. I took this golden opportunity to lay one on her grabbing her around the waist, pinning her up against the cabinets as I assaulted her lips. She fisted my hair in her hands wrapping her legs around my waist as I moved my hands along the length of her body tugging at the buttons on the flannel shirt she was wearing. I knew she liked the way my shirts smelled because when given the opportunity to buy night clothes, she had forgone it and instead chose to continue wearing my shirts.

The oven timer dinged and she pulled away sharply her eyes wild and her chest heaving.

"How many times do I have to tell you? Keep your hands off of me!" she scolded.

"I don't know Roza, I'm awfully slow. You might have to keep reminding me," I said smirking at her as I walked over to take the black bread out of the oven.

Okay what a rollercoaster of a chapter. Sorry I didn't include the party, but things are going to happen with Tasha and I needed a whole chapter for it. Any predictions on what happens at the party? I've had an especially hard week with the Thanksgiving holiday reviews are appreciated to keep me going=)