Quite a blow at the end of this chapter, believe me … well, you don't have to believe me, you could read and find out for yourself.
Enjoy!
Wintersend 12
The start, before the blow, was fairly relaxed.
Under Cole's soothing words and gentle strokes Hawke finally had calmed down. The horrible memories and images had, well not evaporated as such, but at least subsided and slithered back into the specific corner of her brain where they belonged. That specific little space where she had locked them up and where only she was allowed to peak once in a while at their gruesome twisted and maimed forms that made her shiver. So she didn't peak that often; as a matter of fact she tried to avoid said peaking as much as possible. Only at special occasions she allowed herself to open the lock to the drawer where those memories lingered and stirred, mostly stirred at vain because she didn't allow them to trouble her peace of mind. But because there were special occasions she couldn't avoid – well, she could of course if she really wanted to, but that would have taken more effort than simply ignoring them – she would sporadically let them in to think about what had happened. To sink back into herself and contemplate. For example, every year on the day her mother had died she went to a secluded beach at the Wounded Coast to cast a bouquet of white lilies into the surf. The choice of flowers may seem morbid but it reminded her to stay vigilant and look after the ones still with her and for some strange reason it had helped her to come to terms with what had happened. Every year, even on the first tribute, yes, tribute was perhaps the best expression, she mused, because I intend to remember and honour my mother by doing this, Fenris had accompanied her without as much as a word and his silent presence had been more of a support than she could tell. At the first time he just had stood beside her; she assumed he was too much riddled with guilt about abandoning her after what she had considered a night of love and passion that had gone awfully sour because he had decided to flee, to even look at her but she respected him for putting up the courage to come with her. So she hadn't rejected him but just had accepted his being with her at that beach. To be honest she herself had taken courage and comfort from his still form standing next to her. The year after that he walked with her to the spot again. That time he had taken her hand in his but again never spoke a word. It had touched her deeply. She had admired him for his determination to stay with her despite her stubborn way of chasing everyone else away. He had been the only one she could suffer at that time. The only one, she now came to notice, who was able to handle her and in return the only one she would accept to keep her in check. She smiled bleakly and turned to the only other person – ha - spirit sitting next to her who had accomplished what only Fenris ever had could and was looking at her intently as if he was trying to gauge her deepest thoughts and feelings. She was quite sure he did it to humour her although she didn't know why or whatever she had done to deserve it. Then she remembered Varric had told her Cole was a spirit of compassion; that at least would explain a lot.
She took a deep shuddering breath and pushed the memories away; finally she was able to ignore them now the horrible voice that had told her, or better had boomed through her brain she was a failure and would bring nothing but doom to the world, had been silenced. She heaved her head and faced the boy – the spirit that looked like an innocent boy with too long too unruly hair. He had made the malice gone away, or at least had found a way to keep it at bay. He had brought her peace. She sniffed and blinked. She knew about unruly hair. The elf she loved had unruly hair but this boy took the term to a whole new level. The idiotic hat he wore covered the worst of it but nevertheless untamed wisps stuck out and lots of it covered his eyes.
Those strange eyes. She couldn't determine the colour; it hovered somewhere between pale blue and grey with a faint touch of green, but it wasn't the colour that mattered. It was the intensity that counted. The rate of compassion it radiated. The consolation it not only promised but even more gave. At least it gave her the space to breathe again. And so she did, deeply and she felt the last remainder of her anxiety dissolve.
With a heavy heart Cullen watched his loved one enter Adamant Fortress through the gate his troops had forced open. It was harder than he had feared up forehand to let her venture into the stronghold without him to watch over her safety. His fingers twitched and he had to ball his hands into fists to prevent himself running after her. He wanted to be at her side but knew he had to stay with his soldiers; they needed their Commander harder than Evelyn needed him right now. This was an alien feeling; he recognised he had never been in love before, not in the strong way he felt for Evelyn. It was frightening, he found he could hardly breathe and had difficulties with steering his thoughts and keep his emotions in check. Wanting to watch over her safety … knowing her it sounded ridiculous; she was perfectly well capable not only to defend herself but also eliminate her opponents.
He was surrounded by the deafening noise and the chaos the battle brought about. Occasionally chumps of bricks came crushing down and thumped heavily on the ground. So far he had managed to avoid them hitting him. It made him springy and nervous but at the same time determined to win this battle. After he had witnessed Evelyn and the companions that where with her entering Adamant to make an attempt to reach the battlements he on his turn strode to the front of his army and took the lead in trying to fight a way to get to the heart of the evil that tried to overtake not only the fortress but, even more important, the whole of Thedras. And with that he finally managed to shut out his fears and just fight. He still wanted to follow the example of Fenris who frantically had thrown himself into the turmoil to find his woman, regardless the peril he countered. But at the same time he realised he wasn't as free as the elf was, he carried a grave responsibility that went beyond the worries he felt for Evelyn. He was the Commander, the Inquisition army relied on him, he couldn't just give in on the whim to chase after his love to keep her save. He clenched his jaw and steeled his feelings. They were fighting for the future of the world. At this moment that was all that counted.
Hawke puffed out a little sigh and looked at Cole with more attention than she had before. The attention was mixed whit some anxiety. 'You did not enter the Fade because you're dreaming, did you? You're here in, er, person, I presume..? How did you manage that? You're not a spirit anymore. Or have you also been sent?'
'I am a spirit,' said Cole, sounding a little hurt.
'I was under the impression you became a human,' Hawke reacted, 'though I have to admit you still have some significant spirity qualities about you.' She still floated somewhere in the cloud Cole had spun for her and tried to get her wits together.
'I still am a spirit,' Cole insisted.
'At least you used to be one,' Hawke admitted, 'and if I'm not mistaken you were a spirit of Compassion.'
Cole heaved himself up. 'I still remember I was a spirit.' Hesitation crept in. 'I cannot make myself invisible anymore,' he said regretfully, 'I cannot make people forget any longer.' He looked at her with large eyes behind his unruly bangs. Those adorable unruly bangs. 'But I still want to help. That's why I'm here. I felt your pain.' He stood on the brink of translating her feelings, or at least telling how he could see how they flashed and wriggled like bright ribbons in her mind, but just on time remembered how unnerving that had been for other people and shut his already opened mouth. He hadn't pulled her out of her deep misery to remind her what for exactly he had done that. He allowed himself a small inward smile. Yes, he was growing. 'And I am still spirit enough to enter the Fade when I wish to.'
Hawke leaned back and regarded him with interest. She realised very well he was the one who had pulled it off to set her mind at ease once more and she wasn't exactly doing him a service by reacting as she did right now. But she still was on edge and she more or less hoped this one effort to cope with this next extreme encounter – strange encounter, she corrected herself, strange, not extreme – would help to let her regain her nerve. 'You know,' she said conversationally as if they had all the time in the world – which was more or less true because time didn't exist in the Fade, at least not in the way it worked in the real world – 'most people think the Fade is inhabited by only growling and ill-intentioned and ugly looking demons.' Involuntarily her thoughts swivelled to Merrill who stubbornly had kept calling the demon she had summoned a spirit, had talked about it as some kind of pet spirit no less. Until everything had gone terribly awry of course and the small elf's eyes had been opened in the harshest way thinkable. Then again, Hawke mused, Keeper Marethari hadn't been exactly the classic example of Elvhen wisdom either at that time. She shook her head to get away from the gruesome memory of how the whole tribe had come to their unsavoury end and turned her attention back to Cole. 'I'm sorry,' she murmured, 'I didn't mean to offend you.'
Cole cocked his head. 'You didn't,' he said, 'I never was a demon.' He added pensively, 'Although Vivienne still thinks I am one.' It earned him a sudden splash of laughter.
'I bet she does,' Hawke grinned.
'Varric helps me to understand more of humans,' Cole said.
'That doesn't surprise me either,' said Hawke, 'he has always been more the helping kind than he is willing to admit. Dear Varric.' She smiled affectionately. 'But you still haven't explained why and how you suddenly popped up at my side. In the Fade.'
Like he had done when he was still a spirit lost in a world he didn't understand, Cole crossed his legs and started to rock himself. At first it had brought him some kind of comfort, now he did it to concentrate. He thought it wouldn't help anyone if he blurted out what he knew about Solas. No one would comprehend, there would only be a lot of anger and hurt. He understood this because he had grown. He nodded satisfied to himself. But the woman people called the Champion had asked a question and he had to come up with an answer. Pensively he bit his thumb. 'I felt your pain and I reacted.'
Nonplussed Hawke wrinkled her brow. 'That doesn't explain why you ended up in the Fade.'
No, it didn't. The unsavoury row with Solas had done that but he could impossibly tell her that. He fell back on his old knowledge, or perhaps behaviour, disregarding his earlier contemplations. He closed his eyes and began some kind of intonation, the crushing of bones, the screams of desperation, this is all my fault, all my fault, she still could have been here if I acted sooner … he stopped abruptly when he felt the woman's face turn grey. 'I read it in your thoughts, that's why I'm here,' he said apologetically.
Hawke nodded wordlessly. It was a good thing she could still feel his fingers brushing away all the sorrows. A Spirit of Compassion. Justice could learn a lesson or two, she thought grimly. She took a deep breath.
'You love the elf that came after you and he loves you and it pains you you got separated once again,' Cole went on.
'And you probably know I want his child,' Hawke mocked.
'And the demon told you there will be none,' Cole completed.
Hawke mused this was going to turn into some kind of game of hide and seek nobody could win. She decided to change the subject. 'Have you seen the Dragon Lady? She was the one who hurled me into this place. Told me I had to teach the others to conquer their fears. I don't have a clue what she was talking about.'
Cole sucked in a considerable amount of air. Figuratively. Air, as time, was a matter of speaking in the Fade. 'The Lady,' he murmured, 'I know the Lady. Did she bring you here?'
Hawke nodded frantically. 'Damn well she did. She snared me back in Skyhold and the next thing I know is I ended up here.'
The moment Cole opened his mouth to reply another voice interfered.
'I thought I could find you here. I felt your presence.'
Hawke stiffened.
Fenris was fighting frantically and at the same time methodically through the throng of Grey Wardens and the demons their mages had conjured up to sweep the battlements of Adamant Fortress clean of enemies. Up till now he hadn't felt even a short sign of Marian's presence but he kept stubbornly going on. She had to be here. Somewhere. She had to. He followed the Inquisitor's lead because it was the only lead he had. She had succeeded in getting the Grey Warden warriors getting on her side and now, after they had managed to free the battlements of resistance, they entered the main courtyard. His breath hitched. Here they found the true source of evil, it sickened him and his hands ached to end it. He almost had to vomit. It didn't help hearing the Grey Warden called Blackwall plead for the assistance of what remained of the sane part of the order to choose the Inquisition's side. With itching fingers he heard the Inquisitor trying to interfere and even to parley and the inevitable battle came almost as a relief. The reply was complete chaos.
After that things became blurry.
'What the fuck are you doing here?' Hawke breathed exasperated.
Anders spread his hands in a peaceful gesture. 'There's much to explain,' he said soothingly which only helped to kindle her fury, 'please hear me out.'
'You have ten seconds,' Hawke hissed, 'starting from now.' Her eyes were ablaze. 'Just ten seconds before I kill you. So be very careful with what you want to say. And choose your words carefully. My patience runs very thin. You're warned.'
I know Cole changed only after all the events at Adamant Fortress and the journey through the Fade but I took the liberty to change him before that. Sorry for that.
Nevertheless. Thanks for reading!
