Chapter 12: Speaking to Pain
Byakuya woke to find himself in his own darkened room, undressed and wrapped warmly in Tohma's strong embrace. The restraints that had been present the first time he woke had been removed and hot tea and food waited at their bedside. The prince loosed an arm and took the teacup in his hand.
"Drink," he said quietly, "You have been asleep for nearly two days and have become depleted.
Byakuya kept his eyes on Tohma and sipped at the tea, almost hating it for warming him inside.
"You'll need to eat too," the prince added, in the same calm, expectant tone.
Byakuya obeyed more just to keep himself calm and focused, than because of any hunger he might have felt. Indeed, nothing seemed to exist inside him but emptiness…an emptiness that encompassed body, mind and heart.
"Good," Tohma said, stroking his back and threading his fingers through the noble's hair, "I know you don't taste it right now, but even so, you need it."
Byakuya didn't answer, but continued to eat quietly, his eyes studying the shadows all around the room. As he did, Tohma continued the light physical contact and kept his voice low.
"You may not realize this, Byakuya, but of all of the people you know…of all the ones you've ever met…minds and hearts, great and small, I am the one who knows what you need most right now. You probably wonder how I can think such a thing…how a man filled with such uncontrolled emotion, such wicked venom can understand any of what you are feeling. But know this, my lover…I have been a slave to pain since I was very small. In fact, I know more about pain than most people ever will."
He rested his head on the noble's shoulder, accepting an offered sip of tea from his spouse's cup, a mouthful of bread, a cautious glance.
"The reasons for our pain may be different, but the pain itself works through us in much the same way. At first, it is an all over shock to the system, harsh and furious in it's initial stages. At first, pain rips and tears…and leaves us breathless. It's like a bomb detonated inside that obliterates. But that is only the beginning, ne? And you have already experienced what comes next."
He turned brushed his lips against Byakuya's.
"Raw emotion…emotion that our fathers and grandfathers told us we must always bear in silence. I don't have to have known you for a day to know that Ginrei drilled into you the importance of keeping your emotions tightly under control. And, like me, you took those words to heart without questioning. You trusted those words. How could you not? They came from a man you loved dearly, ne? A man who took the place of his son, your father, in raising you…a man who was older and seemed so much wiser than you. So the hurt was doubled when the pain overwhelmed you and made you shed tears. As your spirit tried to release that pain inside, you punished yourself for your weakness, making more pain swell inside you. You cursed yourself for each tear that escaped you and made the hurt increase the weight on your heart until it shattered. Then…the pain poured out and you could not stop it."
He paused for a moment, closing his eyes, as though remembering…
"Do you wonder why I simply held you and did not tell you to stop? Why I never once dried your tears, but let them run freely? It isn't the way we were taught, ne? No, we were taught to keep everything inside…to bottle it up and push the emotions down. We were taught to tighten our lips against pain and overcome it without surrendering to tears. But you and I are first hand witnesses to the poison that pain becomes if left inside. It crawls through your body, infects your thoughts and robs the strength from your heart. It roils the darker emotions, forcing them up from the depths inside and turning you into a monster like me. It makes you a prisoner…"
Byakuya's fingers touched his lips gently and he yielded them a soft kiss.
"You can see it as it happens…as it steals you away from yourself and makes you lash out at everyone around you. And even though you hate that you are inflicting your pain on others, tearing at them…infecting them too, you can't stop yourself. And if you are too powerful…no one can stop you."
He met the noble's dark eyes longingly.
"Do you know that, deep down…I want to be stopped? I want a stronger hand to take mine and hold it and tell me that my pain has been felt…sensed…accepted. I want someone to open the doors to my heart, to tell me it's okay to let the pain pour out, that no matter how many tears must fall, there will be an end to them. And this darkness around us will fade…and morning will come again. But there is no one strong enough…not even you, though you do try."
The prince smiled at Byakuya sadly and kissed him warmly on the mouth.
"That's why I wanted so much to help you. I didn't want to see your pain infect you the way mine has infected me. Because when the pain is left to fester for too long, it becomes a part of the soul. It is odd, that. It becomes part of the very soul it devours. The soul loses hope as the poison overwhelms it…and eventually, the soul dies, Byakuya. All that is left is a shell of a person…all that is left is a hollow. Look into my eyes. You see it, don't you? When my death finds me, I won't be taken back into the cycle of birth and rebirth, but will be shunted off into that place where it is always dark and cold. I will wear a bony mask on my face and have a hole where my heart once existed. But that is where someone like me belongs."
Tears came to his eyes and he took Byakuya's face in his hands.
"That is not what I want to have happen to you. There was no one to protect my heart when I was suffering. Now, the pain's poison has strengthened me with hatred and rage. I cannot go back and change that. But I can be there for you. I can give you a place to let out the hurt…to drain away the sorrow, so that your soul will not have such a burden to carry. Let your tears fall here and be absorbed. Let the pain out before it eats you away inside…Do not let it destroy you as it has destroyed me…"
Byakuya set his tea on the nightstand, then turned and knelt beside Tohma. The prince rose to his knees and faced the noble, observing him silently now. Byakuya's eyes were dry, having shed the tears until he could shed no more, and he was so empty inside, he might have been a hollow, himself. But as much as he hurt inside, the prince's words had somehow reached inside him…and had comforted him, even in the grip of such grief. He touched Tohma's face and brushed away a tear. Slowly, he moved forward and settled onto the prince's lap, meeting the dark, tormented eyes and lowering his lips to meet the ones that had offered him solace. Tohma sat very still, nearly holding his breath as the noble kissed him once and pulled away slightly.
"You are wrong," he whispered, "You are lost, but you are not without hope. You are in pain…but you have not been made hollow inside…Tohma."
Their eyes locked and a shiver went through the prince's body. Byakuya lifted himself and descended slowly onto the prince's length, moving carefully until it was fully inside him. He brought his face close to the other's and kissed him again.
"Let me heal you…as you healed me."
Tohma's eyes looked stricken and the hands that held Byakuya tightened in surprise. He wrapped his arms around the noble, sliding his hands down the long, slender back and capturing the fine, slim hips, pulling on them as they rose and fell.
"Byakuya!" he half-whispered and half-sobbed, "Byakuya, it's too late…you can't save me. I am beyond hope…"
"No…" Byakuya whispered back, "Only open your heart and let it find you."
The noble's mouth fastened on his, the pink tongue sliding into his mouth and stopping his objections. And oddly, despite having his powers sealed away, healing green light glowed around the two.
Tohma fought down the urge to take over, to dominate, to control. He let the noble's body move as it chose and dropped his head forward, resting it against Byakuya's chest as flames of pleasure licked at his senses. He ran his tongue gently up the long white throat and tasted an earlobe, then tightened his arms and encouraged the noble's body in it's movement, thrusting upward as the slender, beautiful form fell. Byakuya's breath shortened and his head dipped forward. His mouth found Tohma's again as they reached climax together. Their bodies shuddered feverishly and their fingers laced together. Tohma lowered the noble onto his back and kissed his way down the graceful torso, licking away the remains of their lovemaking and then returning to Byakuya's mouth to mingle their tastes and scents together.
"Byakuya," he murmured, his eyes uncharacteristically vulnerable, "You know…I can almost believe it when you say there is hope…but do not be fooled. That emotion and I parted ways a long time ago. But enough of this. Rest…eat…heal. You and I have important work ahead of us. Tomorrow, it begins. Tomorrow, you will return to work at your division."
"What?" Byakuya asked, frowning, "I thought you said that…"
"Yes…well, I was being paranoid, I think. You have quite proven that I can have faith in you. I trust you now, Byakuya…even around Abarai Renji…"
XXXXXXXXXX
"So…are you two going over to the manor now?" Renji asked, leaning back in his chair.
"We're actually going to stop in the fourth division," said Rukia, "to let Unohana taichou know what we are doing. She may have some ideas of either things we should do to help Byakuya or instructions about handling our interactions with Prince Tohma. He's not likely to welcome us there. And Byakuya may be sensitive about it. He may not appreciate us barging in and trying to sneak around. We are going to have to be careful."
"Well," answered Renji, "I don't know that even being careful is going to protect you from that guy. He's a piece of work, that's for sure…"
"That's why we're asking for help beforehand," said Ichigo, "Unohana taichou has known Byakuya for a long time…since he was a child. If anyone can help him, then she can."
"Yeah," agreed Renji, "You're probably right about that…"
The door opened suddenly and Rukia gasped as Byakuya walked into the sixth division office, dressed in his uniform.
"Good morning, Taichou," Renji said quickly, "I wasn't expecting to see you today…"
"Good morning, Nii-sama," Rukia said.
"I wasn't expecting to see you," Byakuya said to Rukia, "I thought your mission would take longer…"
"Well, Ukitake taichou had me relieved for a while, so I will be home as of today."
"Very well, I will see you at the manor," the noble said, sitting down at his desk.
"Ichigo is here on special assignment, Nii-sama," Rukia went on, "I was hoping…"
"Of course…just inform our cook that we will need extra settings at dinner."
"Oh…" said Rukia, "Of course, Nii-sama."
Rukia and Ichigo exchanged confused glances and left the building. Byakuya turned to his paperwork and Renji left to make tea. He returned several minutes later and set the mug of hot tea on the noble's desk. He paused a moment as Byakuya took a sip, then sat down next to him.
"Taichou…"
"I have a great deal to catch up on, Renji," Byakuya said, cutting him off, "Would you please bring me the troop status report and the requisitions to sign off on?"
"Ah…sure thing, just…Byakuya…"
The noble met his eye sternly.
"Sorry…Taichou. Look, it's only been a few days since…"
"And…"
"And you don't look like you feel so well. Let me turn down your bed for you. You can rest, but be…"
"Abarai fukutaichou," Byakuya said calmly, "I have passed the requirements to return to work and I have done so. I do not need you telling me what I am and am not fit to do."
"But you and I…"
"Be careful, Renji…"
Renji let out a short breath.
"You just lost a baby…"
"I am aware of that. It was painful, of course. But Tohma and I are handling it. And I trust your friends are a comfort to you?"
"Yes, of course, but…"
"Then I would say that things are getting on as they must."
Renji stared at him sadly for a moment.
"Hai, Taichou."
He turned back to his desk.
"Renji…"
"Taichou?"
"I appreciate your concern for me, but it is not necessary."
Renji shook his head and sat down at his desk. The two passed the morning in a mostly normal fashion, with Renji just stealing a few cautious glances, but as the day wore on, Byakuya had a worn look about him and Renji sensed his energy was flagging.
"Taichou, why don't you take a little rest in your quarters? I can bring things I to you. I'm not saying don't work, just don't work so hard."
He fully expected the noble to brush him off, but to Renji's surprise, Byakuya simply nodded and stood.
"I will be in my quarters," he said quietly, "Let me know when you are finished with the training schedule."
Renji nodded and watched him leave, then went back to his work. When the schedule was finished, he took it in hand and left the squad room. He stepped into the hallway and knocked lightly on Byakuya's door. He opened the door and walked in, closing it behind him.
Byakuya lay, sleeping peacefully in his bed. Renji turned out the lights and started to leave.
"Abarai…" said Byakuya softly, "May I speak to you for a moment."
Renji smiled at him and returned to his bedside.
"Sure," he replied, "What do you need, Taichou?"
Byakuya looked up at him quietly and reached out to touch his face lightly. Renji held still, looking back at him uncertainly.
"I am sorry if I was brusque with you before," he said, apologetically, "I was simply trying to get myself moving, thinking that to remain busy was best."
"Yeah, I kind of figured that."
"Renji," Byakuya said, looking up at him, "are you coping all right?"
Renji's smile faded somewhat, but he nodded.
"I'm okay, Taichou. I'm really sad about it, of course, but…I didn't even know until after he was gone. I didn't have the connection with him yet that you did."
Byakuya's eyes fell and a sad look came over his face.
"I am sorry I didn't tell you, Renji. Truly, I am. I didn't…"
"I know," Renji assured him, "Tohma wouldn't allow you to tell me…"
"I am glad I could tell you then," Byakuya said softly, "It helped to have you hold me for a bit, Renji. I…"
He shook his head slightly and frowned.
"Taichou? Something wrong?"
"N-no," Byakuya said quietly, "but…I think I would like to rest now."
"Oh…no problem. I'll come back in a bit with some tea…"
Renji went silent as Byakuya's hand captured his face and pulled him in for a kiss.
