BPOV
CHAPTER TWELVE
I don't think I have ever been more upset with Edward then I was after I saw the way he treated people now. Not even the kidnapping or finding out that he was my secret admirer because I could justify all of those actions as being from the heart.
However seeing how he would yell at his employees and growl at them made me horribly sadden by what he has turned into. How could my best friend be…some kind of monster? I think back to all the times in high school when he was so dear to me and so thoughtful and respectful to others. I used to think that his parents had done a great job especially after looking around at the male population of the student body and how poorly they had turned out.
But he apologized and I sincerely believed every word he said to me. I wondered if both Edward and I had been damaged so greatly by our days in school and the bullies that we faced. I couldn't help but think on Rosalie's words to me…
Edward turned to anger as a way to deal with our past. I wasn't angry but maybe I wasn't strong either. What if Rosalie had been right? What if I couldn't allow myself to fathom what Jacob did to me because I wasn't ready?
I laid there in the bed Edward provided me and stared up at the ceiling thinking back to my lunch from earlier that day.
"Uh…Bella, I really hope you don't kill me." Alice cringed as she drove on toward the restaurant.
"Alice, I'm not going to kill you. What's up?"
"Well, I kinda sorta maybe invited Rosalie to join us." She continued cringing.
"That's okay, Alice. I owe her an apology." I sighed.
"Well, she feels awful. I really hope you two can work this out." Alice added.
"I'm sure we will."
Alice pulled the car into a parking lot of a cute little Mexican restaurant. We both got out of the car and went inside where Rosalie was already holding down a table for us. She stood up as we came over.
"I hope you don't mind if I join you. I just really wanted to tell you how sorry I am for the other night. I never should have come at you like that. I know better."
"Rosalie, I'm sorry. I just…you were so nice to me and I acted ungrateful. I'm sorry." I replied.
"No Bella, you have nothing to apologize for." She took a hold of my hands.
"That's not true…"
"Okay, you're both sorry. Now can we margarita this shit up?" Alice huffed.
We all three sat down with a laugh.
"Damn Alice, what got into you?" Rosalie asked.
"Well….Edward…." Alice stopped herself and looked over to me.
"Alice, you can say it. I don't care. Edward was an asshole today." I stated. I could tell that Alice for the first time seemed nervous complaining over Edward. I didn't want her to think I would just run off and tell him. I wasn't that kind of person.
"What's new?" Rosalie said waving her hand up in the air to get the waiter's attention.
"Although, I really did think he would try to tone it down for…well you." She added looking at me.
"No. It doesn't matter how long you know someone apparently he's an asshole to all kinds but it does bother me. Edward was never like this before. I mean don't get me wrong he was rather impatient back in the day and of course he had bad days but he was always kind and respectful. I just don't know what happened to him." I confided.
"What did he do today?" Rosalie inquired.
Alice and I looked between one another.
"Well, mostly it was his arrogance that bothered me. He…made me feel…like a bottom dweller." I sighed and picked up a tortilla chip.
"Bella, don't be sad. I love that you stood up to him. I'm really proud of you." Alice squeezed my hand.
"I know but I feel just awful calling him Jacob. Did you see his face? I knew that he hated Jacob and I think I said that because I wanted to hurt him…what kind of horrible person am I?"
"I don't think you're a horrible person. Edward needs to understand that he can't treat people the way he does. There's no excuse for it and maybe you are the best thing that could ever happen to him because you just might be the person who can reach him." Alice replied.
"Bella, did…Jacob ever hit you?" Rosalie cringed asking the question.
I stared at the salsa not really knowing if or how I should answer that. "He…"
"You don't have to answer…but do you think Edward would ever…hit you?" Rosalie asked.
"What? No! I mean he has told me that he would never even though he probably should. I have wronged Edward in so many ways. I could never earn his forgiveness."
"But that's what I'm trying to tell you, Bella. There is nothing you could ever do on this planet that would justify a person abusing you. I don't care if you have robbed a bank or killed a person…there are ways to be punished that are far more humane. If you committed a crime you would go to jail…not be beaten up by a person. And I highly doubt you committed a crime."
"I did something far worse. I took advantage of Edward." I closed my eyes trying to keep my tears locked up inside. "I killed his baby." I whispered.
I finally was able to open my eyes and look upon Rosalie and Alice who sat there with tears in their own eyes.
"I had an abortion…I was in high school and I wanted better for him. Edward was incredible. He was smart and charismatic if you could believe. I truly believed that he was going to be someone. If I kept that baby, he would have been tied down to me and our life in Forks and over one silly drunken night."
"Does he know?" Alice asked softly.
"Yeah…apparently he's known for quite some time even after all my efforts of keeping it from him."
"Was he mad?" Rosalie asked.
"I…I don't know. He said he was more upset that I didn't tell him. I should have told him instead of just breaking off our friendship. I killed something so innocent. I deserve every punishment god has for me."
"Bella, please come back to My Sister's Helper. I know that we can help you. I have been where you have been. It took me a long time and lot of friends and family to help me get where I am today. I know how you feel. I promise if you come back, I won't pressure you to tell your story, when you're ready then you're ready." Rosalie said.
"Thank you but I told Edward I would stay with him as long as he said it was okay. I…I owe him a lot and I miss my friendship with him. I know that you see Edward as this overbearing tyrant but I know what Edward is capable of and I have to believe that there is still goodness there. He just…I just have to have patience."
"Okay, if you think that's best but you are still welcome at the house anytime you need us, we'll be there. Even if you have questions or just need someone to talk to, everyone who lives at the house can relate to you and just being around women who understand me has helped me so much. But you're not ready. I understand that. When you're ready to face your past, we'll be there. Please just promise me…that you won't go back. Please don't ever think that going back to Jacob is a good idea."
"I don't ever want to go back to Jacob. I didn't love him. He needs to find someone who will love him and that he will love in return. I just want to move on with my life and figure out what's best for me."
Would I ever truly be able to move on from the past nine years? Since I have been in Los Angeles, it seems my past is all anyone wants to talk about. How could I move on if people kept dredging it up?
I turned over and saw that the clock on my bedside table read a little past one in the morning. I felt like sleep would never come. I had enough. I needed to figure out some way for me to get my mind off things so that I could finally find sleep. I climbed out of bed and turned on the light.
Maybe I could manage a successful trip to the kitchen for a glass of milk. I wrapped a blanket around me and started on the path that I had managed to memorize. It was one of the only rooms I succeeded in remembering where it was.
The house was mighty creepy at this time. Hardly any light and I was afraid to turn on one for fear of waking Edward so I had to feel my way down the stairs which I did more accurately this time around since I didn't stub my toes or ram my arm into a wall. As I reached the kitchen I could hear something. It was faint but it was there. It sounded like grunting and groaning.
It became louder and louder as I abandoned my thoughts of warm milk and walked on slowly searching for the sound. A door with just a small crack of light coming from it was were I ended up; it was the gym. I couldn't help myself as I peeked through the crack and saw Edward sparing with a sturdy punching bag.
It was amazing watching him. His strong broad shoulders glistening with a nice sheen of sweat. The way his feet gracefully danced around as he would go from punching the bag to kicking it. The muscles in his legs and arms had me in awe. He was in a zone. He looked like nothing could touch him and for a moment I was positively envious. I wished I could be like that, untouchable.
Suddenly Edward reached back and using all his might he slammed into the bag with his fist letting off a guttural roar. It scared me for an instant and I think I must have yelped slightly because Edward's head snapped toward the door and I managed to back away quickly and quietly trying to place as much distance from myself and that door.
I hauled ass back to the kitchen and practically slid right into the refrigerator trying to put myself back on task, hoping that Edward didn't see me. My heart was racing, partly from Edward's display of athleticism and partly because I was worried that he caught me peeking in on him.
I pulled open the door to the refrigerator and took a moment to feel how nice the coolness filled me. I hadn't even realized that I worked up a small sweat. Finally I pulled the milk jug out and closed the refrigerator door. As I shut it, Edward was right there.
I gasped and clutched my chest as the milk jug went crashing to the floor.
"Holy mother of penguins. Dammit Edward, you scared the shit out of me." I yelled.
The milk was all over the kitchen tile mixed with the glass from the jug.
"Don't move. Why don't you have shoes on?" Edward spat as he went to grab a mop and bucket.
"Why would I wear shoes to come to the kitchen? Besides you're not wearing shoes." I started to tippy toe my way around.
"I said don't move, Bella. I don't want you cutting your feet. I can handle it if I cut my feet."
"Why would you have a glass jug anyway? What are we in the nineteen fifties? Does a milk man still deliver this?" I huffed.
"Why are you yelling at me? I like the way it tastes when it's in a glass jug. It tastes better." He retorted mopping around me.
I was embarrassed and embarrassingly enough, misdirection was something I was famous for when I was embarrassed. I think Edward was used to my arguments I would inflict upon him.
"Well…you shouldn't sneak up on people. It's rude." I argued.
"Okay, pot." He smirked using a nickname I hated.
"Don't call me that!" I started to stomp my foot.
"Don't do that." Edward reprimanded me. "I'm still not finished." He sighed and dropped the mop and came over to me.
"What are you doing?" I asked as he got closer.
"I can't clean up properly knowing that you are going to step on a piece of glass any moment." He replied and then picked me up with ease.
"Ugh, more with the picking up." I rolled my eyes trying to not be impressed with Edward's strength.
"Well then stop putting yourself in dangerous situations." He replied setting me down over at the entrance to the kitchen on the carpet.
He went back to finish moping.
"So, why were you spying on me?" he asked.
"I wasn't spying on you. I heard a noise so I was just trying to figure out what it was." I defended.
"Bella, how many horror movies have we watched over the years? And how many start off with a person hearing a noise and then going and investigating said noise?"
"And here I thought all that money you put into such a high-tech security system would keep me safe." I sassed.
"Whatever, you were spying and you know it. I mean once you saw it was me…why didn't you just come in?" he raised an eyebrow.
Damn he had me.
"I didn't want to disturb…you looked very intense."
"You could have interrupted. It wasn't like I was practicing weapon training."
"Weapon training?" I asked.
"Yeah…wanna see?" Edward asked with a gleam in his eye.
"I don't know. I don't want to get hurt." I replied uneasy.
"Bella, do you really think I would ever put you in any kind of danger?"
"No..but…I mean this is me we're talking about. Danger finds me."
"Come on. That's bull shit. You just need work on your core. Find your balance. You will find that is all in your head."
He took my hand and pulled me along back to his gym. He left me in the center of the room and went over to the wall to press a code into his panel. Suddenly the wall rose up and a light panel came on to display his massive collection of weapons.
Everything from swords to throwing stars to…well things I didn't even know what they were or what they did. I was almost in a trance of all the shiny sharp objects in front of me. I was compelled to move toward them to get a closer look.
"Hold it right there." Edward voice woke me. "You see the matt. You don't leave the matt while the panel is down. I don't want you anywhere near them until you've been trained properly."
I rolled my eyes. "Like I will ever be trained properly."
"I mean it Bella. Your pretty little toes aren't to leave that matt." Edward picked up a couple of knives and went to stand in front of his target. With ease he hit every single mark.
"How did you do that? How could you possibly learn that in the short time we were apart?" I asked fascinated.
"The time wasn't short and I had absolutely nothing better to do with what free time I did have." He answered with a shrug.
"Don't you have any friends? Girl friends? I mean you must have had some sort of social life."
"I never really wanted any…I…you were my only friend. Girls?" he shook his head. "That was a disaster, so eventually I gave that up too."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Edward who had money by the boat loads was lonely. I was lonely too but I hadn't changed much from high school. Edward had changed quite a bit. He had changed into a rather attractive, strong and rich man. Things that made it rather easy to be surrounded by friends a plenty.
"Do you…ever wish you were in high school what you are today?" I asked. It was a stupid question. I know if I were him, I would want that."
"No." he answered instantly.
"Why? I would…if I were you of course."
Edward sighed and walked over to put his knives back.
He turned back to me. "Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes even the shittiest things happen but it's for a reason. If I had been rich or powerful when I was back in high school or even athletic then I probably would have never met you. I would take every single torturous thing I have been through all over again as long as I met you."
I couldn't understand why he would say that.
"Me? But…why? I…was a loser. A nerd. A geek. I couldn't dress myself. I never wore makeup. I don't even know if you could call me a girl."
Edward stared at me. I could see his eyes almost shake. It was kind of weird.
"Would you go back to high school, being what you are today?" he finally asked.
"Well…not much has changed for me. Still a nerd or geek who can't really dress themselves except with the help from you or Alice and I'm pretty sure if my breasts hadn't come in I probably would barely pass for a girl." I laughed.
"GOD! WHAT? Just…" Edward threw his hands up in the air and started to walk away. "WHAT?" he bellowed toward the ceiling.
"What…what?" I asked confused.
He turned back to me and he looked upset.
"What happened to you? You used to be so intelligent. Hell, you were top of your class. What happened to you?"
"Well, first off…you were top of our class. I don't really understand why you're getting so upset."
"Bella, you…." He paused and came over to me. "Even when we were bullied as kids, you never talked about yourself the way you do now. You're smarter than this. I hate when you put yourself down. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you…you're not a loser and yes you are a woman…an amazingly beautiful one at that. The only thing I would change about you is I want to pull your head out of your ass."
He let out a loud sound of frustration and turned to storm out of the room.
What happened? One minute everything was fine and the next he's yelling at me. I just don't understand how Edward could really think those things about me. I walked over to the mirror and stood in front of it.
"Amazingly beautiful." I scoffed.
There was nothing beautiful about me. My hair was stringy and flat. My body had absolutely no curves. My face was pale and practically lifeless. The more I looked in the mirror the more upset I became. Why couldn't I have changed physically the way Edward did. But Edward didn't change all that much…I mean he was always handsome. He may have bulked up a bit but I could still see my friend very much alive in him.
Again why did I still look the same? Why couldn't I have turned into a bombshell over the past nine years? I imagine people like Lauren getting sexier and hotter every year while I, plain Jane Bella Swan stayed exactly the same.
I looked at Edward's wall of weapons. The years he must have put in to train on all these. The time and effort. I wanted to be good at something. Maybe if I could be good at something then the physical part of me wouldn't matter any longer.
I walked over and picked up one of the knives that Edward had thrown and walked over toward the target. I took a stance, copying what I had seen Edward do and gripped the knife in my hand. I pulled back my arm, ready to try my best.
"What the fuck are you doing? Have you lost your damn mind?" Edward's booming voice caused me to drop the knife to the ground.
"I was just going to try…"
Edward snatched the knife from off the ground. "Try what? Kill yourself? FUCK!" he walked over and placed the knife back in its spot. "I don't want you ever touching anything on this wall ever again. Do you understand me, Bella?"
His voice got louder every word he spoke. I squeezed my hands in to fists and then took off running to my room. I was practically out of breath by the time I reached it. I really needed to start jogging or something. This was pathetic.
I collapsed on my bed and curled up with my pillow. I hated that Edward yelled at me. But I hated myself more for doing something so stupid in the first place. He was right. I shouldn't have touched his things.
It was a couple of minutes after that Edward knocked on my door.
"Can I come in?" he asked.
"Your house." I replied with a sniffle.
I heard him sigh and walk over to the bed.
"I'm sorry I yelled at you. You asked me not to yell at you and I did it again…but what were you thinking? God, do you even realize how dangerous that was? You shouldn't ever handle a weapon you aren't trained in."
"I'm sorry." I whispered. "I shouldn't have touched your things."
"Bella, you can touch whatever you want to in the house, just not the weapons unless I teach you how to use them properly. But never by yourself."
I sniffled and tightened my grip on the pillow.
"Come on, Bella. Please don't cry." He whispered and laid down beside me. "Hey, sorry I'm an asshole…see not much has changed since high school."
That's the problem. Not much has changed for me since high school. I didn't even achieve higher learning. I stayed exactly the same. That thought brought out more tears.
Edward pulled me over to him and I finally allowed myself to cry in his arms. I felt safe. It was wrong. I shouldn't be touching Edward like this. It was so intimate but I couldn't help it.
"Please tell me what you were thinking? I had just gotten through making it perfectly clear that I didn't want you touching anything on that wall." Edward asked softly.
My tears started to slow and I took a small breath. "I…I don't know."
"Did you do it to spite me? Because you knew I didn't want you touching them?"
"No. I…I just wanted to be good at something. Stupid I know. But…" I sat up pulling myself out of his arms. "It's not fair." I wailed.
"What…"
"You got to change. You became stronger and more intelligent, more attractive, more competent in every single way. I'm jealous of you. Are you happy? I wished that I had grown as a human being the past nine years but being here and seeing you makes me realize that nothing has changed for me. I didn't even finish community college which is a joke I know. You looked down on community college and the people like me who went and I don't blame you because I didn't even finish it. I hate that I am stuck in this body with absolutely no evolving. I wasted nine years of my life and I have nothing to show for it. You took those nine years and went to Dartmouth which was my dream school. You didn't even want to go to Dartmouth. You created a supremely successful multi-billion dollar company and in your down time apparently became a master of martial arts and weapons. You evolved and… I'm just…nothing."
Once again my tears had come and exhausted I fell back into the pillow placing as much distance I could from Edward. I shouldn't have gone off on him.
"I'm sorry. It's not your fault. This is what I wanted for you and I'm glad you got everything you could ever want. You deserve it." I sniffled.
"Everything I could ever want?" he said to himself.
"Bella, I didn't get anything I wanted. I didn't want to go to Dartmouth but I did because stupidly part of me hoped that one day you would come. I went to Dartmouth because I thought in some small way I could be closer to you. I walked down those damn halls every single day and imagine you were right beside me like it should have been. My company? I didn't want that. I just wanted to be successful because I had visions of seeing you again someday and using my successes to woo you. The martial arts and weapon training was something I did because I never wanted to be helpless again. I failed you in high school. I should have protected you better but I was such a weakling that I could barely pick you up, maybe that's why I pick you up all the time now, it's because I can. I never wanted all this. I would have been perfectly happy having just this small amount of space as long as you were in it. You were my friend. All I have wanted was for us to be together. This past week was what I have been striving for, for the past nine years."
I had moved an inch closer. "I don't know what I did to ever deserve such a good friend."
"I'll always be here for you, Bella." Edward scooted towards me. "If you're really unhappy about not evolving like you said then I will do everything I can to help you."
"Alice said I should look into night courses…maybe just at a local Jr. College." I replied.
"What about Dartmouth? I'm sure you could still go. You were accepted." Edward offered.
"I…I don't know. I don't think I want to go far away again on my own. Coming to California was hard in the beginning. I was lucky I met the right people."
"I'll go to New Hampshire with you." Edward replied.
"What? No. You can't leave your company. I'll be fine at a community college here. I hear Los Angeles has some good schools. Maybe someday…"
"Bella, Dartmouth is your dream. I don't care about the company. I can pick the company up and move it to New York if I want. I don…"
"No, Edward. No." I interrupted. "Thank you but…no. You have already given me so much. No." I laid back down and Edward didn't reply.
"Hey, come here." Edward pulled me to him after a couple of moments. Once again I laid my head back down on his chest and his arms wrapped around me.
I shouldn't.
But I did.
AN: hope everyone had a good holiday! THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ AND REVIEW!
