Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin.

This was originally a three chapter stand alone story, but it's pretty short so I decided to include it in the oneshots instead. Tw implied suicidal ideation.

When Merlin pushes open the door to Gauis' chambers, arms filled with empty jars to be filled with remedies, he's surprised to see the Lady Morgana already there. With her back to him, she's half bent over a table, as though her stomach hurts.

"Hello," Merlin says cautiously, moving into the room and clinking his jars loudly to alert her to his presence. Morgana spins around, looking startled and drops a small bottle onto the table beside her. "Merlin," she says, attempting a smile which doesn't meet her eyes.

Merlin puts down his load and approaches her. The Lady Morgana is beautiful, but despite her beauty, today she looks tired and wan. Her pale skin almost glows transparent, and is pulled tight across her collar bone, as though she hasn't eaten anything for a long time. The grey shadows under her eyes verge on purple. When he thinks about it, Merlin realises she's looked like this for days, weeks even. Merlin clocks the bottle she's dropped, moving to the table and picking it up.

Morgana clears her throat, "Is Gauis here?"

"He's still out, should be back in a couple of hours...Morgana, you know this is hemlock? It's poison."

Morgana doesn't look at him, says, "I was just playing with the bottle while I was waiting. You'll ask Gauis to come to me, when he gets back?"

"It wasn't out, Gauis always keeps it in the cupboard. Did you get it out Morgana?" He looks at Morgana curiously, wondering what use she'd have for such a deadly poison.

She walks away, towards the door. "Please tell him to come and see me."

Something seems wrong about the whole scene to Merlin. Morgana doesn't look alright, and he knows her well enough by now that he knows this hollow, empty voice isn't hers. "Morgana, are you okay?" he asks.

She stops in the doorway but doesn't turn around. "I'm fine." Her voice, thick with unshed tears, sets alarm bells ringing in Merlin's mind.

"Are you sure? You don't look fine. Come back, I know a few of Gauis' remedies..."

"I said, I'm fine, Merlin," she replies, but she turns and re-enters the room, stepping to the opposite side of the table where Merlin stands.

"What's wrong?" Merlin asks gently, longing to lay a finger on her face and wipe away the tears that have begun to spill down it.

Morgana lifts a hand and wipes them angrily. "It's just the nightmares," she says, "I've tried everything Gauis has said, but they won't go away."

Merlin rummages through the remedies laid out on the table, until he finds a purple glass bottle labeled 'Lady Morgana - sleep medicine.' "This is the one you've been using?"

Morgana nods. "It's not just the sleeping. I can sleep, at first, usually, but then the nightmares wake me up and I can't go back to sleep. I haven't slept more than a couple of hours a night for weeks. I'm so tired," she confides, tears still in her voice. Quietly, she adds, "I'm too afraid to fall back to sleep."

Merlin nods in sympathy. "Must be hard."

They make eye contact. Morgana looks away, as though frightened of what Merlin might see in her irises.

"The dreams didn't used to be this bad, did they?" Merlin certainly doesn't remember her looking this exhausted before.

Morgana lifts a slow hand to her head, as though by cradling it she might stop it hurting. She looks hunted. She whispers, "Something bad's going to happen. I can feel it."

They are both quiet for a moment, digesting the vague enormity of the statement.

Merlin clears his throat, and suggests, "It might help if someone stayed with you at night, to wake you up during the nightmares and give you something so you could fall asleep again."

"Perhaps, but Gauis is an old man, I wouldn't ask that of him."

"I'll do it," says Merlin eagerly, perhaps too eagerly, "I'll stay with you."

"You're offering to stay with me? In my chambers? At night?"

"Yes. I mean, ah, no, not in that - I just meant -" he says, scratching his neck awkwardly. Of course he's attracted to the Lady Morgana (literally who isn't?), but that's not what he's thinking about. Sometimes magic works better than herbs, and right now Merlin would do anything to put a smile back on Morgana's face.

"I know what you meant," Morgana says. Sexual misinterpretation takes energy she just doesn't have. "That's very sweet of you, Merlin, but Gwen is with me most nights."

Merlin smiles winningly. "Gwen doesn't have the medical expertise that I do."

I'll do anything, thinks Morgana, anything if I can sleep again. Surely this is worth a try? She voices this, saying, "I'd try anything to get a good night's sleep at this point. If you really don't mind..."

"I don't," Merlin reassures her.

Morgana tries another smile, and this one almost reaches to her eyes. "Thank you, Merlin. You're always such a good friend."

"I'll see you tonight, then," Merlin's still worried about her, and he asks cautiously, "Will you be alright until then?"

Morgana nods, turns and makes her way out of the room. She takes her time down the hall, feeling unsteady and ill.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

"Merlin, what are you doing?" Arthur looks suspiciously at Merlin, who's walking down the hall carrying a large cloth covered basket.

"Nothing!" Merlin's first instinct is to hide the basket behind his back but it's too big.

"That looks like a picnic basket."

"Well, it's not," Merlin gestures to the twilight outside the window, "It's nighttime."

"To be quite honest, having a picnic at night is the kind of idiotic thing that I wouldn't put past you, Merlin."

Merlin pulls back the cloth on his basket. "It's lavender. I'm taking it to Gauis."

"Ah, to Gauis. Which would explain why you're walking in the opposite direction to Gauis' chambers?"

"It would."

They both wait, then begin to talk at the same time.

"Merlin, what are you -"

"I'm just delivering some to - "

Arthur gives a sarcastic bow. "By all means, continue."

"I'm just delivering some to somebody."

"To whom?"

"The Lady...er...the Lady Catriona," Merlin says, pulling the name from his memory with relief.

Arthur nods slowly. "I see. Well, don't let me stop you, go ahead."

"Right." Merlin disappears around the corner, leaving Arthur to shake his head in disbelief at his servant's stupidity. The Lady Catriona died a year ago.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

Merlin knocks on Morgana's door, softly, so as not to alarm her. When she opens it, Merlin sees with relief that she looks slightly less ill than she had done earlier in the day.

She gives him a tired half smile, then says, "Merlin. Come in. Gwen's just left," she adds, as they move simultaneously into the room. She sinks down on the edge of the bed, "I told her she'd be no good to me if she didn't get some sleep."

"Won't she be worried about you?" Merlin asks, putting his basket on the table at the side of the chamber and lifting bottles of remedies from underneath the lavender.

"She doesn't know quite how bad it's gotten. The not sleeping."

Another knock on the door makes them both jump, glancing nervously at each other. Although strictly speaking they're not doing anything wrong, they're both aware of how this could look to others. Morgana rises slowly, as though it hurts to stand up. She opens the door enough to poke her head through, but not enough for anyone outside to see in. It's Arthur.

"Morgana," he smiles, "Have you seen Merlin?"

"No."

"Are you sure? I'm sure I saw him coming this way."

"I haven't seen him."

Arthur nods slowly. It's his signature move. "Morgana, I know you like to think I'm stupid, but I do have eyes. I can see what's going on."

Then look at me, thinks Morgana incredulously. Can't you see that I don't have the energy to do this? Please, please, just go away.

"Perhaps you should ask Gauis to get them checked," she says, and despite her tart words, her voice is flat.

Arthur nods again. "So if there's nobody in there, why aren't you letting me see into your chambers?"

Please go away. I hurt too much for this. "Gwen's trying on an old gown of mine. I think she'd rather the prince of Camelot didn't see her in a state of undress," she invents. It's a good excuse. Arthur look embarrassed as he backs away.

"Of course not. If you see Merlin, send him along, won't you, Morgana?"

She closes the door instead of answering. When she turns back into the room, her first thought is that lack of her sleep is making her see things. The room seems to have turned purple. Merlin sees her looking.

"They're flowers. Lavender. It's to help you sleep."

So not seeing things. Morgana is relieved. "I see. It's a lot of lavender."

"I know. It might help."

Morgana nods, stepping behind her dressing screen. She'd planned to be in her nightgown and in bed before Merlin arrived, but her plan hadn't quite worked out. She'll just have to ask him not to look.

"I still need to get changed," she says.

"Oh!" Merlin gestures towards the door. "I'll just go outside...?"

Morgana glances at the door, too. "Better not, I think Arthur's still around. Just don't look?"

"Yeah." He turns awkwardly away from her and busies himself turning down her sheets, placing another vase of lavender on the table beside her bed. Morgana's gown has a row of buttons down the back; usually she'd be able to manage enough of them alone to get the dress off, but tonight her fingers seem to slip loosely off the loops, unable to grip the buttons tightly enough to slide them out. She lifts her hands to her face, frustrated at her weakness. Of course you're weak, you haven't slept more than two or three hours a night for five weeks. And eating barely anything, too, because it's too hard to maintain a conversation and lift a knife at the same time, she tries to excuse herself. But the fact remains that she can't manage the dress alone. "Merlin?" she asks.

Merlin spins around, alert to the waterfall sound of tears that has returned to her voice. "Yes?"

"I can't do it. The dress. Can you help me?"

"Of course," Merlin says, thinking that if he doesn't do this fast, she's going to collapse where she stands. He moves to her, lifting her long hair gently and placing it over one shoulder, trying to undo the buttons without touching her. His hand grazes her shoulder and he sees her flinch. His ears burn red. "Sorry," he mutters.

"It's fine. That's enough, I can get it off now," Morgana wants him to touch her again. He's already retreated to the other side of the dressing screen.

Morgana falls into her bed gratefully. If there's a god, she thinks, please let let me sleep. Please don't wake me up again. "Did you put lavender in my bed?" she asks, looking up at Merlin as her feet find a bundle under the sheets.

Merlin smiles. "I told you. It'll help."

"So just to be clear, when you said you had medical expertise, you meant you knew lavender is good for sleeping."

"Pretty much."

Morgana manages a weak smile to meet his as she places her head on the pillow, trying to ignore the danger signals her body is flashing her at the suggestion of sleep, of more dreams. Merlin's cheerfulness is oddly comforting. Like always, Morgana can feel her hands begin shaking, sweat beading on her forehead. It's hard to breathe, and her heart's beating too fast. She hates losing control of herself like this, but it comes every night without fail. She curls her body tightly to the side to stop the shaking, tries to focus on her breathing. Merlin has settled himself down on the floor beside her bed, hands underneath his head, silent. He keeps his breathing calm and steady, like a charm to send her to sleep. Morgana tries to copy it, to listen to nighttime sounds instead of her own thoughts. In. Out. In. Out.

Merlin's steady motions are like a light, guiding Morgana towards sleep. Although she'd expected the smell of lavender to be overwhelming, it's really quite soothing. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out...

Merlin hears Morgana fall into sleep and hopes for a miracle, for a night without nightmares. He stands up and sits down on the edge of the window, with no intention of sleeping - he doesn't want to risk not waking up if the dreams get too terrible.

Despite his resolve, he's half asleep when a sound from Morgana alerts him. Sitting down on the edge of her bed, he can see that's she's agitated, tossing and turning without waking, the sheets becoming twisted around her body. She's murmuring words too distorted for him to catch.

"Wake up, Morgana," he taps her shoulder lightly. "Wake up."

Her movements are becoming more distressed. A high pitched cry comes from her mouth, and she lifts her hands, raking her fingernails across her face, murmuring in pain. "Wake up!" Merlin lifts her shoulders from the pillow and shakes her gently, then harder. Her shoulder bones are impossibly fragile. Morgana's eyes half open and he can see the whites, eyes rolled far back in her head. But she doesn't wake up.

"Bialtere," Merlin tries, holding his hands over her inert body. "Bialtere." A spell to wake, but it's not working. Merlin stands, untwisting the sheets from her body; he's too concerned by her distress to worry about touching her now. He pushes the heavy blankets to the end of the bed and sits back down on the white sheet, grasping her wrists and holding them by her sides so she can't scratch her face. Her expression bends into pain and fear, as though she's seeing things he can't even imagine. He still can't wake her. Merlin can do nothing but watch, tears dripping from his eyes, as she lives through her nightmare.

It seems to take forever before Morgana wakes, although it's only ten minutes. For a moment, she stills and becomes calm and Merlin thinks that maybe she'll sleep deeply now.

Then she pushes herself up, a scream pulsing from her lips, eyes wide and terrified and golden. Three vases full of flowers shatter and the broken pieces clatter to the ground as Morgana sobs. Merlin tries to reach for her, but she pulls away, clasping her hand to her body. Eyes full of fever and fear.

'No," she sobs, "No no no no no no no no," as though it is a chant to keep away the demons. "Help me please help me please no no no no no," as Merlin reaches for her wrists to calm her, she jacknifes at the waist, keening.

"Morgana, sshh. Look at me. Morgana, look at me," Merlin tells her. Morgana looks up, disoriented and confused.

"Breathe with me, Morgana," Merlin says calmly. "In. Out. In. Out." She gulps breath in, gradually calming. Merlin doesn't stop his steady march of words until the fire in her eyes has abated. She falls against him and he holds her, rubbing her back in gentle circles, trying not to think about how close their bodies are. The press of her chest against his.

"I was so scared, Merlin," she says, muffled by his collar.

"I know. You're safe now." It's all he can think of to say. When Morgana pulls away, Merlin hands her the goblet of water he's prepared with a calming draught. She sips it, lying back against the pillows. She looks limp, as though she's been flung there, rags of damp black hair hanging like shadows around her pale face.

Merlin begins to sing, softly, in an old language. It's a spell to give dreamless sleep; he hadn't sung it to begin with for a reason - he knew that the magic of the song could interact badly with the magic of the dreams, and he wasn't willing to risk it. But now the dreams are over, it should be fine. Morgana's eyes begin closing almost at once.

"What are you singing?" she murmurs.

"A lullaby. Sshh."

Merlin sits on the edge of the bed, singing until Morgana's breathing is regular and deep. His voice won't allow Morgana's panic to take hold of her again, and without it, she's able to push aside her fear of the dreams. He covers her, gently, with the blankets then slips from the room.

When Morgana wakes the next morning, she feels more rested and peaceful than she has in months. When she looks to the side of her bed, Merlin is gone.