Author's note: Thank you very much for all the reviews and messages, I'm quite busy these days but I'll try to reply to your messages on Sunday

Chapter Twelve:

Jane.

Of course, I didn't live it well. I was given hopes five times and it failed every single time. I'm not a very spiritual person but maybe it happened for a reason, maybe Maura and I shouldn't be mothers. We like children but that's not enough to make of us good parents. I mean... I could get fatally shot any time on duty and Maura spends her days cutting dead people open. This isn't a very positive environment for a child.

That's actually the reason why I didn't talk about adoption to Maura. Our profiles are terrible. There isn't a single adoption agency that would accept us and I don't want to have to witness, disarmed, this immense sadness invade my wife once again. I know it was our plan B but that was before we faced all these IVF failures.

Maura's stronger than what people imagine but I can read through her mind. She doesn't need to speak, she doesn't even need to move an inch. I can understand and feel what she feels. That's why these five IVFs were so hard to handle for me. I can cope with my own disappointment but I can't accept the idea Maura's devastated. The pain it causes me is terrible. I hate it.

I wish life were easy. I wish it looked like a goddamn fairytale. It wouldn't be boring, this isn't true. Nope. It'd be sweet and peaceful. Nobody would argue, nobody would cry. And nobody would fail at dreaming.

Neither I nor Maura.

"I can't believe it."

Jane winced in pain as she went to sit down on their bed. She had walked too fast on her way back to her bedroom. It wasn't her fault though. A ridiculous wave of anger had begun to boil in her lower stomach as soon as TJ and Lydia had left.

Maura's quiet laugh only made it worse.

"TJ is thirteen years old, Jane. It had to happen at some point. Besides, it's just a girlfriend. He's not engaged... It's a little fling, a mere nothing."

"Oh please. You don't know how teenagers are, these days. TJ is way too young to have a girlfriend." Jane shook her head. She sounded like her mother but she accepted the comparison, for once. Because it felt right. It felt damn right. "Way too young to date someone. Anyone."

The tension of the past few days caused by their argument had almost completely vanished now but Jane and Maura knew better than to think that their problem was solved. It wasn't. They had to do something. And the sooner the better.

Jane waited for Maura to be set on her side of the bed to come cuddle next to her. Showing affection didn't replace words but Jane was sure that it was nonetheless extremely important. She had understood and had accepted the idea that their couple was going through what was probably their first real crisis. Now she needed to make sure Maura would understand that Jshe didn't want to run away from their marriage.

"You know what, Maura? I think I hate kids actually."

"Jane!"

"I'm not done here." Jane rested a hand on her wife's forearm. She then gave a nod to nobody in particular but to herself. "I hate them 'cause they always end up growing. We should come up with kids that..."

"Who."

Jane went to sigh but she held it back. She hated it when Maura tried to make her speak like Shakespeare but the context was too fragile for a complaint, this time.

"With kids who never grow up. You know, like these small kittens who remain kittens all their life. They have little legs, little paws and all."

As Maura's eyes widened in sheer terror, Jane felt an incredible relief wrap up her heart. Their conversation was light and of very little importance but it was exactly what they needed. They had stopped sharing daily conversations that didn't have to do with chores and their respective jobs a long time ago. Talking about TJ was relaxing, and oddly comforting.

"Jane Clementine Rizzoli-Isles... You're a monster."

"Why? Childhood is great! Everybody misses it once adulthood begins."

Perplexity showed on Maura's graceful face which caused Jane to gasp. She knew that Maura wasn't your typical human being but she had to admit that the innocence of childhood was a lot more appealing than the toughness of adult life. Anyone agreed on that.

"You don't miss your childhood? Like... Really?"

Maura shook her head. She tried to give Jane a smile but only sadness showed in her eyes. Jane swallowed hard. She hated it when it happened, when Maura looked distressed and she, Jane, felt disarmed. Jane bit her lower lip as regrets invaded her. She shouldn't have talked about all this.

"You know that my childhood was... Singular."

Of course, Jane knew this.

"Too bad. I mean you'd make a cute kitten that can't grow up."

The remark was very stupid but so sweet that the two of them burst out laughing. The moment was genuine, and warm. Jane cast a glance at her wife. She then rested her head back on one of her pillows and kept on laughing loudly. But as tears began to well up in her eyes, a sudden sadness invaded her.

Then she began to cry.

She cried and didn't understand the reaction of her body. She felt happy and terribly sad at the same time. Almost empty. She enjoyed her time with Maura so much that it made her realize how dull their last months of marriage had been.

Nothing was over. If they could have a nice time together now then it meant that their couple was still alive. But they had wasted multiple occasions. Occasions they would never get again.

"Jane..."

Maura stopped laughing right away. She turned around and took her wife in her arms but what was supposed to be a hug of comfort turned into something a lot stronger. A lot more intense. And she began to cry as well.

Maybe it had just hit them. Maybe it was the wakeup call they needed. Jane tightened her grip on her wife and planted a kiss on Maura's temple.

"It's okay. We'll be alright."

...

Jane looked at the empty bedroom and thought that life wasn't helping her and Maura right now. How were they supposed to make things work again if life kept them away from each other?

The morgue had called Maura while they were still hugging, and crying. An accident had occurred on an Interstate and the presence of the chief medical examiner was required. It was an emergency. Maura had to leave.

It was how it worked. Jane knew it. Besides, Maura couldn't stay home forever. She wasn't the one who had fallen into a hole. She wasn't the one who had injured herself. Jane felt terribly guilty because her wife, her stubborn wife, suffered from her very own stupidity. Maura had put her life on pause, even her career. This wasn't how it should have been.

All the things that were now happening were her fault.

Jane picked up the bottle of water that she had previously set down on her bedside table. She took a sip of it then tried to get up.

Since she was now alone at home for the rest of the evening, taking a bath was an appealing idea. It would help her sore muscles to relax and she would take advantage of it to think about her and Maura.

They simply needed more moments like the one that they shared earlier during the day when they had talked about TJ. Nothing was forced by then. The fluidity of their conversation was perfect, and warm. Of course, they couldn't put their respective jobs aside but their couple nonetheless had to remain a priority. Perhaps it was where they had failed in the first place.

She slowly walked to the ensuite bathroom and turned the water on. There was a time when Jane hated taking baths. She saw them as a waste of time. But now that she was stuck at home with a very sore body, she loved them a lot. There was something soothing about the way the hot water wrapped her body.

Jackie O walked in the bathroom, her curiosity piqued by the foreign sound, but she carefully remained away from the tub. Her instinctive reaction caused Jane to laugh.

"You don't like water, do you?"

Jackie O had brought something new and fresh to Jane's daily life. A cat was very different from a dog but she had to admit that she enjoyed the independent temper of the feline. It matched hers in more ways than she would have imagined.

"Bass hates it too. See? You have a point in common with the tortoise you scare on a daily basis... Be nicer to him. He's a weirdo but he's not bad."

Jane got undressed. Rather slowly. She could move now but the mere movement was still very painful. She then carefully sat down in the tub and closed her eyes as she leaned her head backwards.

She smiled.

She felt a lot lighter now. She had woken up worried in the morning. Even stressed out. The past few days had been tough. But today had been sweet enough for her to relax. She simply wished Maura had been there. She would have shared this moment with her. It would have been nice. They used to take baths together. They use to do so many things together.

Then it had stopped.

"One thing at a time."

Jane's hoarse voice filled the quiet bathroom. It rose with a fragile strength then floated above her head for long minutes. It felt right.

So right.